Literary Aspirations

[Fionnghuala Ramsay]

Date: Saturday 26th April 2008
Time: Starts at around 8:30am. No-one else to enter until after 10:30am.
ISO: Jackson (and anyone else approved by PM.)
Music: It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Celine Dion

It was now late April, and Fionnghuala hadn't spoken to Jackson since the time where she had had some unpleasant business to discuss. It was at that time that she had had to tell Jackson that she couldn't go out with him any longer. There were reasons for this. They weren't the real reasons, but after seeing him, she couldn't burden him with that kind of worry. Instead, what she had said was that it was her own fault. She wasn't ready to be in a relationship, she was finding it a strain. It wasn't the relationship, in reality, that was causing her strain and stress - it was the act that she had been involved in; breaking it off with him.

Now, though, new events had unfurled, and she had to tell him everything. Draconis was gone; she was safe. Theoretically, that was. She would tell Jackson how she felt and what she had been through, but first, she had to make sure that feelings wouldn't get in the way. Did he hate her for what she had had to do to him that day? She didn't know, and, in truth, she didn't really want to find out, but she had to. It was unavoidable. Since that day, she hadn't stopped thinking about him. Everything reminded her of him, and at times, she would spontaneously laugh or cry, when she was alone, without really knowing why.

To find out his feelings, she had to write a letter. She had to explain herself. So she sat, on a surprisingly warm Saturday (the last of the month, in fact), in her room, at her desk, with paper and pens in front of her. But how to start? What to say?

She cleared her mind, and touched pen to paper. Then the words seemed to flow.

Jackson,

I cannot begin to describe how sorry I am for doing what I did. I had no choice.... You see, I get the best feeling in the world when you say 'hi' or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind, but there were things happening.... Dangerous things... I couldn't let you be a part of them, I couldn't tell you what I went through, but now it's over. He's gone, and he's never coming back.

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.

That has happened to me before, and now there are dark secrets to my past that no-one has ever tried to uncover, but now that I've met you, I want to move on....

Forever I told myself this about you:

He's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish...

But then, for a short while I had everything that I wanted. I had you. The sad thing was, just weeks after I finally had everything that I ever dreamed of, I had to turn you away. It broke my heart to do it, but afterwards, I hoarded your love away like the selfish girl I know I am. Every day, I caught myself smiling for no reason, only to realize that I was thinking about you. It's only after someone's gone you realize how much you miss them, and Jackson, I missed you more than you could ever imagine. I never stopped loving you, but I had to carry on without you for your sake.

I know it may not seem like it, but I did it to save you. I did it to protect you, and if the need arose, I would do it again, though it would probably kill me to see you walk away and never look back.

My heart aches completely, every hour, every day, and only when I'm with you does the pain go away.

The pain is worse now than it ever was, and all because of the pain that I have caused you. I can't apologise enough for what I've done, and I can only hope that you can forgive me for what I've done.

I need to see you, and soon, Jackson. I count the moments until I catch a glimpse of you, and it would be all that my heart desired to be alone with you for just a moment.

Please, [i]please forgive me. If you think you can, I'll be outside in the clearing.

Fionnghuala[/i]

She didn't dare read the letter over, not that it would be a simple feat, with all of the tears in her eyes and running down her cheeks. Instead, she just rolled it up without a second look, and sealed it, writing on the outside who it was for, and quickly casting a charm on it so he would be the only one able to open it.

There was a surprising lack of owls when she hung out of the window in an attempt to find one, and so, scowling, she put it back on her dresser. She'd send it later. First, she should get dressed. After all, it was only 9:17am. And who in their right minds would be up at that time on a Saturday?! She was only awake because of all the thoughts buzzing around in her mind.

She went through her normal routine, and about half an hour later, she had a deep purple towel wrapped around her, and a smaller one twisted into a turban type shape on top of her head, to dry her hair faster. She didn't go straight to her wardrobe, as she would normally have done, but instead went back to the window. STILL no owls! What was going on?! Rolling her eyes in annoyance, she closed her window for the second time, and walked over to her wardrobe, picking up her wand along the way.

Waving it quickly, she dried her skin so she could dress. Bare minutes later, she was dressed in a white long top, cropped jeans, and white cork wedge sandals. ( http://coquette.blogs.com/coquette/juicydress.jpg ) She didn't know why she was in such a bright mood - maybe it had something to do with the sunny weather, though she knew she wouldn't tan.

She was sat on her bed, thinking about what she would do with her hair, when an owl pecked at the window. She jumped slightly, having been in a world of her own, but pushed the window open so the owl could fly inside. It looked around the room, and saw that Vanessa was still awake, so, though the letter was for her, it held its leg out to Fionnghuala. She removed the letter, and placed a coin in its' pouch, and then said, "Oh, wait a second. I have a letter that needs to be sent to the boy's dormitories. I'm in enough trouble, I don't want to be caught in there again."

She grabbed the letter off her dresser, and tied it on the owl's leg before going over to Vanessa's dresser and placing the owl's letter there. "It's to be given to Jackson Turner." She informed the owl, before it hooted, ruffled its' feathers, then flew away. She watched the owl for a second, then removed the towel from her hair. Her hair was dry, and it was very loosely curly. That didn't bother her, so she left it as it was, brushing it very quickly before grabbing her bag and walking out of the room, not bothering to dim the sound of the slamming door.

Minutes later, and she still hadn't encountered a soul on her travels. She didn't expect Jackson to be up until about noon - after all, it was a weekend - so she still had a bit of time to herself. In fact, about 3 hours. But what to do? She hated dueling on her own now, since that time with Neferure and Ali on the field hadn't gone according to plan, so that was out.... She could hardly just wander around for hours on end. That would make her even more bored than she was already!

Fionnghuala found herself pacing around the pavilion that boasted doors into the main school building, the girl's dorm, and the boy's dorm. She didn't want to go back to her room, and Phee would probably still be asleep, and she wasn't allowed into the boy's dorm under any circumstances... And there was no reason for her to go into the school building so, in effect, she was stranded outside without a thing to do.

She went back to the clearing. Perhaps that was expected; it had become something of a haunt of hers and, more often than not, she was there doing her homework or just thinking about stuff. As was almost routine with her, she scoffed at the lack of seating in the area, as she always got rid of her bench, and no-one else seemed to care about sitting. She then conjured up a bench, and scouted the area for other people. As was normal, there were none, and she sat.

She had probably been sitting there for about an hour when she got a sudden urge. She had never really had the literary inspiration that some others had a lot of, and so she was somewhat pleasantly surprised by this occurrence. She pulled a pad and pen out of her bag, and began to write. The words just seemed to flow. So much so that she wasn't even aware of what she was writing.

When she had finished writing, though, she read over her poem, wondering where exactly all these emotions and thoughts had come from. On the page, her looping and italic handwriting read

There were nights when I missed you
There were days when I thought of you
Mornings and evenings I wept for you
And yet, I kept my distance.

I wanted what was best for you
I wanted you to be happy
I wanted you to live your life well
And so, I kept my distance.

I told myself you'd be fine
I told myself I'd survive
I told myself we'd both move on
And so, I kept my distance.

When I looked, you seemed happy
When I looked, you had moved on
When I looked, you were surviving
And so, I kept my distance.

I saw you were progressing
I saw you were improving
I saw I was existing
And so, I kept my distance.

On the outside, you looked happy
On the outside, so did I
On the outside, things were wonderful
And so, I kept my distance.

On the inside, I was breaking
On the inside, I was bleeding
On the inside, I was dying
But still, I kept my distance.

I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to harm you
I didn't want to break you
I should have kept my distance.

There's nothing that I'd take back
There's nothing that I'd change
Save the fact I hurt you
Why didn't I keep my distance?

Now, it's far too late
Now, I've turned the wheel
Now, I've blown my chance
I promise I'll keep my distance.

Never again will I suffer this
Never again will I pine
Never again will you call yourself mine
But I'm glad I kept my distance.

I'm glad I kept my distance
I'm glad you'll live your life
I'm glad that you'll be happy
I must, MUST, keep my distance.

[Jackson Turner]

8:58am.

Jackson frowned at the clock, certain it had to be lying to him, somehow. He prodded it with the end of his pencil, and while that managed to change the clock’s mind, it didn’t go in his favor. He could not, as it happened, turn back time. The second eight, apparently enraged at being prodded, dropped off one of it’s lines and became a nine. This prompted a frustrated and slightly hoarse groan from Jack, who flopped back onto his bed clutching a few pieces of paper to his chest. God, but he hated mornings.

On April 1st, when the school had first heard of the body found in the stadium, Jackson had fled the auditorium to vomit in the hallway. From there, he’d found himself quarantined in the infirmary for no less than twenty days. Apparently, whatever had made him retch hadn’t a thing to do with the imagery of a flayed body but, instead, had everything to do with a stubborn magical virus that he’d picked up. For twenty days, he was left vomiting and delirious with fever while a slow course of medicine worked it’s way through his body. During the time he was quarantined, his teachers were made to know where he was and left with the decision of whether to share it with other students. The matter was to be discreet; if word got around about the bug he’d caught, panic might spread and no doubt the hypochondriacs would rear their ugly heads. (Not to mention the slackers looking for an excuse to get out of class.)

For the most part, those who bothered to ask about Jackson would find out that he was very ill and would be returning to the school when he was up to it – never mind that he was actually still on the grounds. No one was allowed to visit him, anyway.

When Jack finally felt better, he assumed he’d been laid up for a week, max. When the nurse told him how long he’d been out…

Six days ago, he’d met with each of his teachers and received his back assignments. He wouldn’t be back in classes for another week, they told him, which would give him enough time to catch up. Well, it was Saturday, and he was still behind. He couldn’t help but be frustrated; the year that he finally busted his ass to catch up and the year that his grades would actually matter to him, he had to go and get for twenty days – and this close to graduation!

The first thing Jackson had wanted to do when he’d emerged from the infirmary was see his girlfriend and his friends, but after six days, he hadn’t gotten the chance. He was so determined to get back up to speed in every one of his classes that he hardly left his dorm, except for a daily run and visit to the gym. (He looked atrocious, after twenty days of wasting away. He was thin and gaunt and with the intention of entering the auror training program after he graduated, he was desperately trying to bulk back up.)

It turned out that Jack wasn’t meant to be all work and no play. He was dying for a break, but every time he went to set his books down, he thought about the mountain of work he had left to do and just couldn’t walk away. He longed for Phoebe or Caleb to come bursting into his room and drag him out by his arm, but he’d sent everyone he thought might do that a brief letter before delving into his schoolwork. Something along the lines of… ‘was sick, better now, am busy, will catch up later.’

9:00am.

Having wasted two minutes with his mini-tantrum, Jackson was set to go back to work when an owl came soaring in through his open window. It settled on his shoulder and nipped at his hair almost affectionately. Ridiculously grateful for the distraction, Jack fawned over the owl a moment before taking the letter and casting some books aside to lay down and read it.

The last thing he would have expected at that point was an apology from Fionnghuala. It was more than an apology, at that. The letter expressed how deeply she felt for him, and Jack’s head swam trying to wrap around it. He felt a little sick, because he’d never had to break someone’s heart before and as he was reading the letter, it seemed more that, that was exactly what he was going to have to do. He adored Fionnghuala, really, and he thought she was a great person, but… he was with Phoebe now, who he undeniably loved. Perhaps, had things not been interrupted, he might have come to love Fionnghuala as he did Phoebe, but things had never gotten to that point.

He almost considered not going to meet her, but the idea of blowing off the letter or playing it off like he hadn’t received it made him feel even sicker. There were things he wanted to say to Fionnghuala – he wanted her to know what an impact she’d made on his life, so much so that he’d decided to dedicate his life to helping people who were in situations like she had been. But he wanted to say them in the capacity of a friend. Imagining her reaction to being told that…

Jackson took his time getting ready. Previously, he’d just rolled over and started doing homework so, now, he got out of bed and showered. He took a long, luxurious sort of shower before finally getting dressed. From being sick and losing weight, all of his clothing fit awkwardly. He was bound and determined to put some muscle on, so he hadn’t sent home for more clothes. Instead, he put new holes on his belts to tighten them and just dealt with his shirts being a bit baggy. He wore dark jeans, now, and a plain white T-shirt, not feeling like anything more elaborate. After tugging on his tennis shoes and running his fingers through his still damp hair, he made his way outside.

On his way down the stairs, though, Jack’s stomach gave a brutal and demanding growl. Thoughtfully, he stopped off for some breakfast. The cafeteria was emptying out, so he sat alone, collecting his thoughts and trying to plan what to say to Fionnghuala. He knew first hand that there really wasn’t such a thing as being let down gently…

By the time Jack made it out to the clearing, it was after ten but well before his expected arrival time of noon. He found Fionnghuala easily, as there really wasn’t anyone out this early who didn’t have some extracurricular reason to be. Coming from behind her, he saw that she was writing and paused, curiously to read over her shoulder.

Frowning to himself at the sentiments she’d expressed, Jackson almost thought to turn and leave without a word. “It’s nice,” he commented softly and sincerely. He sat down on the bench next to her, feeling like a bundle of bad nerves. “So was this,” he added, indicating the letter she’d written that he was holding onto. He thought to crack a joke, something about how eloquent she was and what a clod he was, but he couldn't properly string the words together in his mind. He looked down at the letter a moment as he tried, then finally mustered the courage to look her in the eye.

[Fionnghuala Ramsay]

Fionnghuala read over her poem, unknowingly at the same time as Jackson. Absorbed as she was in her poetry, she didn't hear anyone come up behind her, and she didn't notice that anyone was behind her at all, even when he stopped there to read what she had written. She was sat in a position where all shadows fell behind her, and so she wasn't surprised by any shadows, because she didn't see them.

She didn't really expect anyone to be around at the time, much less Jackson. It was past ten, sure, but it was also a Saturday, and it was very rare for people to venture out before 11 on a Saturday, never mind to come to a secluded clearing. Suffice it to say, Fionnghuala jumped when Jackson first spoke.

“It’s nice,”

Immediately, Fionnghuala jumped to her feet, upsetting her bag in the process, and slammed the book shut. It didn't matter that Jackson had spoken softly - it was the fact that he had been there in the first place, and had spoken at all, from behind her. "Fuck." She muttered, under her breath. She put a hand over her heart and took a deep breath. "Bloody hell, Jackson! Give a girl a bit of warning next time!" She exclaimed, kneeling on the floor as she picked up all of the things that had fallen out of her bag, replacing the book in the process.

Before she could say anything else, Jackson spoke up again. This time, though, she was more prepared, because she actually knew that he was there. As she rose again, Jackson was already sat on the bench. She left her bag on the floor as she sat back up on the bench, a few feet away from Jackson.

"So was this."

As he added something to his last comment, he held up the letter that she had sent. In all honesty, she hadn't expected him to bring it with him, though there was no reason for him to have left it behind, really. All of a sudden, she felt a little embarrassed, and almost as if she wished she hadn't written the letter in the first place. Despite this, Fionnghuala opened her mouth again. "I wasn't expecting you for another couple of hours at least!" Perhaps it was a bit judgemental to do something like that, but old habits die hard, and he was very rarely out of his room before noon.

There was a little bit of tension in the air, though, as was to be expected, but this felt different. It felt as if there was something wrong, something wasn't going according to plan. Just as Jackson couldn't look at her, Fionnghuala found it difficult to muster up the strength to look at him. Finally, though, she did so, just a bare second before Jackson himself looked up. "I'm glad you came..." She commented, quietly. "I was worried that you weren't going to..."

[Jackson Turner]

"Bloody hell, Jackson! Give a girl a bit of warning next time!"

Normally, Jackson would have grinned delightedly and laughed at how he’d scared Fionnghuala, but he was too busy mentally preparing to break the poor girl’s heart to joke around. It had been a stupid way to approach her, in retrospect, especially given what he’d learned about her the last time they’d talked. He honestly hadn’t meant to startle her.

"I wasn't expecting you for another couple of hours at least!"

Despite the situation, he had to crack a smile at that, and he even gave a little chuckle. Under usual circumstances, he’d have been tucked away in his bed for at least another hour or two. God, he wished he was! The stress of returning to classes on Monday was keeping him, temporarily, from his habits.

“I still have a lot of catch up work to finish for Monday,” he offered in way of an explanation. “I’ll have time to sleep in next weekend.” He frowned. “God, I hope, anyway.”

The tension, which had eased for the moment that they discussed his sleeping habits, snapped taut again as they both fell awkwardly silent.

"I was worried that you weren't going to..."

Jack frowned softly at that. “Hey, no…” he took her hand, giving her a small smile. “Fionnghuala, even if we’re not together any more, I still care about you. I’m always going to come if you ask me to.”

The smile was short-lived as he realized the statement was rather tell-tale. He had no way of knowing how much Fionn knew about his current situation, so he didn’t know if this was going to be news to her or not. He did know that he and Phoebe had been keeping somewhat of a low profile about their relationship. At first, things had just been awkward because they hadn’t wanted Lance to happen on them in the hallways or anything like that, and then, with Jack having been sick for a month…

He sucked in a little breath, meeting her gaze steadily. “Look, I have to just come out and say all of this because I don’t know how else to do it. I care about you and seeing you again really means a lot to me and I don’t want to ever have to walk out of your life again. But, the thing is… I just… I can’t date you again.” He had to drop his eyes from hers, then. “I’m with Phoebe now and it’s…” He shook his head, forcing himself to look up. “I do care about you, Fionnghuala. I really do, and I’ll always be here for you, just… as a friend. I’m… I’m sorry.”

[Fionnghuala Ramsay]

Obviously, something that Fionnghuala said had to make Jackson laugh. Very little didn't. This time, it was a veiled crack at how late he generally stayed in bed. Fionnghuala was genuinely surprised, though, to see him up and about before noon. Sure, it was a pleasant surprise, but the cause wasn't all that good. She had heard that Jackson had been ill, but had also heard that he was now recovering and getting ready to go back to classes. Having that in mind, she didn't feel it unreasonable to send her letter, not that she'd thought much before sending it.

“I still have a lot of catch up work to finish for Monday,”“I’ll have time to sleep in next weekend.”

At this, Fionnghuala rolled her eyes, though she chuckled. "Seriously, I don't get this fascination with sleep! It's so boring, and it's unnecessary for people to sleep as much as they do!" She exclaimed, shaking her head. "I think most people sleep the same amount of time in a quarter as I do in the whole year!" She laughed, fiddling with the hem of her top.

Things fell eerily silent, and her hands stilled as she glanced up at Jackson. She looked somewhat tense and anxious, and her brows knitted together in a slight frown. He then took her hand, and she immediately relaxed her tense muscles, though she still looked anxious and slightly afraid.

“Fionnghuala, even if we’re not together any more, I still care about you. I’m always going to come if you ask me to.”

Fionnghuala smiled bravely at this, but she didn't feel as if Jackson was totally finished speaking. She said nothing, despite the fact that she watched Jackson's smile disappear, and saw him try to psyche himself up as if he was going to say something important. She was right.

“Look, I have to just come out and say all of this because I don’t know how else to do it. I care about you and seeing you again really means a lot to me and I don’t want to ever have to walk out of your life again. But, the thing is… I just… I can’t date you again.”

From the very first sentence, Fionnghuala knew that she had been right, and, though Jackson was attempting to meet her gaze, it was growing increasingly difficult to meet his. Eventually, when he told her that he didn't want to have to walk out of her life again, her gaze dropped to the floor as she attempted to assert some control over her tear ducts.

“I’m with Phoebe now and it’s…”

PHOEBE? Well, perhaps it was to be expected. They had been friends since they were both knee-high to a chicken, and they had so much in common.... Perhaps she just hadn't wanted to see it while she and Jackson had been together. Now, though, it was so obvious! Sadly, that didn't make her feel any better about it.

“I do care about you, Fionnghuala. I really do, and I’ll always be here for you, just… as a friend. I’m… I’m sorry.”

Fionnghuala nodded at this, forcing herself to look back up at Jackson with tear-free eyes. Unfortunately, though, they didn't last long, and she had to redirect her gaze again. Feeling worse, if possible, than she had a couple of months earlier, she slipped her hand out of Jackson's, and picked up her bag.

"I should have seen it." She said, making herself smile, though the smile held the merest hint of bitterness. "You were such great friends. It was always destined to be more..... And you know, it's funny... Phoebe said, before Christmas, that we'd be good for each other." Fionnghuala sighed and shook her head, dismissing all bitter or even slightly resentful thoughts that were harboured there. "I will be happy for you and Phoebe, Jackson.... Just not yet."

She looked at him for a few brief seconds, then stood up, turned her back on him, and walked out of the clearing.

[Jackson Turner]

Jackson had to grin at the little exchange he and Fionnghuala had over his sleeping habits. He’d missed the way they could turn anything into some dramatic play argument, and he’d missed how she always went along with his ridiculous jokes and tangents. Recalling some of the reasons he’d felt such affection for her in the first place made his face fall and brought on a tense silence as he gathered himself.

When Fionnghuala and he finally looked each other in the eye, Jack studied her expression with a look of sullen concern. She looked away and he directed his own gaze back to the ground, running his hands through his hair. He wanted to make this easy on her, somehow, but he wasn’t sure it was even possible.

"I should have seen it."

He hadn’t looked up when she’d slipped her hand away to pick up her bag. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting out of her as a reaction, but he wasn’t expecting anything like a slap in the face. He looked up, now, when she talked, frowning. He wanted to deny that he and Phoebe were together; he wished he would have given Fionnghuala another reason for not seeing her or something. He was mentally kicking himself for dragging Phee into this, although he didn’t think Fionn was the type to go and hunt her down now and beat her up.

“Phoebe said, before Christmas, that we'd be good for each other."

That bit left a bitter taste in his mouth, and he couldn’t recall a time he’d been more disgusted at himself. He knew what it felt like to be dumped, but he didn’t know what it was like to be cast aside in favor of a friend.

"I will be happy for you and Phoebe, Jackson.... Just not yet."

Jackson gave a slight nod, watching Fionnghuala as she started to walk away. Thoughtfully, he did call out after her. “I’m always going to come if you ask me to…” he repeated himself. He wanted to add more, but he decided it would be clear enough that he’d be there for Fionn when she was ready.