It's not necessarily grammar that's the problem. You write just fine. P:
I am, however, a comma nazi, so feel free to ignore any comma fixes I may mention.
Skipping story for now; I'll get to that later:
|Before I start counting off my plans for Trinity, I would like say just a quick word.|
Colon (:) instead of period.
|You will not see something such as "Oh, I'll enter Trinity in the BC and win her trophies" because I cannot draw.|
Comma before as. Always put a comma before spoken word (even hypothetical).
|1. I plan on nicknaming Elektrini, "Trinity." I will also be keeping her as a female pet. |
Seeing as how you put story before plans, I think the foster knows you plan on calling her Trinity. I would probably add that note at the top of the app instead of under plans, honestly.
|The reason for her being on my side is that I believe you shouldn't put all of your eggs in one basket, if you get my drift. |
Nope, I don't get your drift! If you want to spread your rare pets around, just say that you don't want her compromised in the case that your account is... compromised.
Do you have an example lookup for Trinity? If so, I'd link to it and say something more along the lines of, "I will give Trinity a petlookup (here). It is the same coding that I use for all of my other pets, but the colors are changed..."
Just saying that you're changing up the colors of your current pets' lookups sounds weird to me. P:
For the customization, I'd just use the screenie with Trinity in it. Saves space and kills repetition.
|On the map, Mespi looks like a chair of three islands. Mespi doesn't get a lot of attention because it is so small.|
A... chair? Chain you mean?
|A lot of the natives stick to themselves and don't believe the world needs a super hero force to patrol the world.|
I know I do it for effect when casually speaking, but I don't think this is on purpose, haha. Does 'world' need to be repeated?
|They're rather old fashioned and many of their jobs revolve around the ocean. |
Get rid of 'rather'.
About the Applicant totally changes tone without word. I was expecting it with the "HIDE YO WIFE" ting, but I think you should let the reader know in a more direct manner that the tone is about to shift in your application. For majority of the page, the writing is formal and the like, then you're hit with something entirely different. (Which I understand could just be you want to be interesting during the most awkward part of the app, but please give us a warning first. xD)
|As you can probably tell, I'm quite the eccentric personality. Half the time I'm surprised I can type out a coherent sentence. Even more surprising, people talk to me. I know what you're thinking: how? I don't even think I could answer that. |
It's more a filler paragraph than anything. We could read the application without ever needing that sentence.
|BAM! Nearly full of wonderful pets I can't imagine trading away. |
INFORMAL INFORMAL. No. Stay formal throughout your application! :(
My personal preference to ordering an 'about me' is offline, online, neo, accounts. That way, you don't jump from offline back to neo in the next section. :o
Should you recommend explicit songs in your application? O: Will you get in trouble?
Cute ending with the screenie, aha.
I'll read through the story soon. P: