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Board RulesThis board is not...
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This board is..
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App Crit, Pretty Please?
, The deadline is close, I'm so nervous.
Member No.: 13,175
Joined: 19-March 12
So I'm applying for Kythre the UC Faerie Kougra!
This is my second UC app - the first being Mioru and I think I've improved a lot.
I'd REALLY appreciate any and all critique/feedback/ideas/tips etc before the 20th so I can get to work :3
There's a few things I still need to do and have listed at the beginning (you'll probably see them).
I've proof read once, and will do so probably another 5 times, but it's always helpful when there's a second set who are more helpful and experienced ^^
I also warn you, I'm not the best at writing - so my story probably isn't the best, but apart from that I'm hoping that it's decent, app-wise.
You'll find the application at Upholding's Petpage
I will check back anxiously and often
Thank you for your time
Group: Site Admins
Member No.: 1,148
Joined: 31-July 06
I'm not one that is good at critiquing apps seriously. So I'll just simply write out my thoughts.
I have read through the whole thing and no typos are jumping out at me.
First, your art is amazing. Throughout the whole app it really brings Kythre and his personality, stories, etc. to life! His different forms all tie in together really well. I remember seeing his bipedal form on DA when you first uploaded it and I really like it then too. But learning more about him as a character makes it even better.
The flowering theme of the app is quite peaceful. And the music you picked starts out so peaceful and simple and then turns into a pretty epic song (a bit like Kythre maybe?). I can imagine Kythre walking through the burnt forest with new life bursting up behind each step while I listen to that track!
Did you create all that coding yourself, or tweak someone elses? If it is original, it is brilliant! If not, the graphic work is still really amazing. It looks nice on my 27" iMac.
The story you have written for Kythre is amazing. I love his transformation. It reminded me of a lion x panther character I had once and his parents died in a fire too. XD Maybe that's why I had a particular connection with the story.
I love that all of your characters live on an Island and they all mix in with each other at some point. (Can Omequia come live there too? Haha, jokes.) But that being said, if you want another example of your Kougra adoptables feel free to do one of Omequia, my Kougra. There are refs of her here: linky link
You have achieved quite a few goals, so it is obvious to the fosterer that your plans for Kythre will be achieved and I'm sure that's a great comfort to them and a super advantage to you. I'm not sure who else is applying for him but I have no doubts that you will be chosen. (At least I really hope so!) I'm sorry I couldn't be more constructive or helpful, but I just really wanted to compliment your great work. :)
Pssst... is it bad that I want an UC Kougra as well now? I loved them when I first started playing Neopets back in 2001. Now I've fallen in love with them again. Haha.
Gust gust gust gust SANDATTACK
Member No.: 11,303
Joined: 9-June 09
I have only skimmed it so far, and I'm really not someone to refer to for app critique, but I've picked up on a few issues with typos, sentence structure, and grammar. There are a lot of small errors, but they're very common mistakes, so I hope you don't take these corrections personally!
If I ever manage a pet to be in the pet spotlight, well It'll be a huge achievement for me.
"If I ever manage to get a pet into the pet spotlight, well, it'll be a huge achievement for me."
The first half of the sentence uses improper grammar, and the second half had an improperly capitalized word. I left the "well" in there to maintain the colloquial style, but it can be omitted if you want it to look a little more formal.
Nickname(s): Ky or "The Forest Spirit
Missing second quotation; also, while I'm at it, replacing dialogue with coding instead of quotes is a common thing because quotes are so finicky on petpages, so don't stress about having to use italics on your dialogue. Not sure if you want to leave or remove the notes about how you had to use italics, though, I guess that would be up to you. I have no clue how much the foster knows about that issue.
Also, a couple of the lines on the profile have periods at the end, consistency is probably best.
In his quadruped form he's slim, agile and fast - darting through the tree's at an almost break-neck pace.
"Trees" doesn't need an apostrophe here.
guiding the weary travellers out of the living maze
which is one of the reasons he's never reached out to any travellers,
These are the only instances I caught, but "travelers" only has one L (that one always gets me too).
As a Kougra, he has a natural born curiosity for all things around him, he's also quite inquisitive and will sometimes sticky beaks out at what's going on outside of the forest by hiding in the high treetops.
Run-on sentence, and I'm not sure what is meant by the "sticky beaks" part. For the run-on, you might consider:
As a Kougra, he has a natural-born curiosity for all things around him; he's quite inquisitive, and will sometimes... etc.
Upon Kythre's chest sits a bright, beautiful, purple gem that he's named his "Soul Gem".
"Soul Gem." Punctuation almost always goes inside quotations.
Kythre's two main use for the gem though, is when a tree or plant is dying, he'll relieve it of it's worldly form and collect it's life force in the gem. The second use is when he travels through the forest, he leaves behind a trail of sparkling dust that almost immediately springs up new seedlings and fertilizes the ground with the life forces that were in the gem (which are now rejuvenating plants and trees all around).
This part is awkward to me. First, let me get the punctuation -- two it's in a row are improper. It's is a confusing one:
It's = it is
Its = possession
Just check to see if "it is" works in place of the it's. If it does not work, then no apostrophe is needed.
Seeing "almost immediately" in this context looks... wrong. Sorry, I don't know how to elaborate on it more than that, but I feel like it's more than personal preference, so do with that information what you will. ;P
If I were rewriting this paragraph, I might phrase it something like this:
Kythre has two primary uses for his Soul Gem. The first comes when a tree or plant is dying; he will relieve the plant of its worldly form and collect its life force in the gem. He then uses the life forces collected to leave a trail of sparkling dust behind him as he travels the forest. The life dust fertilizes the ground it lands upon, and new saplings arise, bringing new life from old and rejuvenating the plant life nearby.
She was so tiny Ky was sure that she'd still be with her parents, he looked around...
...and the night air was settling fast, Ky knew he had to do something...
Run-ons, replace the commas with either a period or a semicolon. Either will work, but I recommend using a semicolon on one and a period on the other, since they are so close together in the text.
Picking her up gently she squirmed in protest but after being close to his warm, furry chest she stopped struggling, eventually he swore he could hear the tiniest snores.
Awkward and a run-on; maybe something like "She squirmed in protest as he gently picked her up, but after being close to his warm, furry chest she stopped struggling, and eventually Kythre swore he could hear the softest of snores."
It didn't take him too long to reach his humble abode, it was the remains of a gigantic tree - the original tree had been burnt and left a smouldering stump that (over time) became swamped with all kinds of plant life.
Another run-on here at "abode, it" -- you could use a period, semicolon, or maybe "abode, which was..."
"...had been burnt, leaving a smouldering stump that, over time, became..." sounds a bit better here to me.
Zoey had slept into the late afternoon before she woke up, startled and scared she dashed about the floor looking for a way out until two paws wrapped gently around her tummy and lifted her up.
Run-on sentence, and the phrasing could be a little bit better here too. I don't want to keep correcting everything at this point, I'd like to let you do some of it yourself. ;D If you're unsure about your corrections, you can post them in the thread before editing the petpage so I (and others?) can look over them again.
Wide eyed she stared at the carrot before she fell upon it with great gusto, obviously very, very hungry.
I like this sentence, ahaha. I commend your use of "gusto." Anyway, a comma after "Wide eyed" would be clearer.
The Eizzil surveyed the small dwelling before she turned back to Ky, giving a tiny smile, her head bobbled up and down in a nod of approval.
Her head bobbing or bobbling would be better syntax; as it is it is a run-on sentence. (If it confuses you why changing one word here changes a run-on sentence to a normal one, I can do my best to explain!)
Ky thought hard, pacing around the room staring at all sorts of objects.
"pacing around the room and staring at all sorts of objects."
He heard a rustle and tear before the little Eizzil appeared, having teared a small portion of a very old Neopian Times. Ky took the paper and noticed it was only two letters that had been chewed from the page, it formed zo.
"Teared" is not a proper word in this context, you would use "torn." However, you'd still be using the same word (though different forms) in a single sentence -- maybe replace one with rip? The second sentence is also... awkward, I'd recommend rephrasing it.
Zoey's ears perked up, they twisted a few times happily before she bounded around in glee.
"...perked up and twisted..." would work better here.
Also, I'm not sure how I feel about the layout for dialogue. I assume you know about how dialogue normally works, and have just changed the formatting to match your quotation mark issues. I've seen other petpages that use dialogue normally, as if using italics for speech is normal. Your style still looks fine, so I'd say whether or not you change it to reflect normal storytelling would be up to you. It's a toss-up to me.
As Zoey started taking a deep breath of air, the dandelion began to wiggle. Curiosity got the better of her so she leant down gently to sniff at the fluffy seeds and - before her eyes - a small strale rolled on to her nose, staring up at her sleepily.
"As Zoey took a deep breath of air, ..."
I can't explain exactly why "started taking" feels wrong here; maybe because you also have "began" later in the sentence? I think "took" works better here, regardless.
"Leant" is not a word, it would be "leaned." "Gently" is not a word to use here, I'd scrap it and not replace it. It's tempting for me to use "gently" in places it isn't needed, too; I think it's just an easy word to insert in places where we think we need more description, but in the end it's just fluff. Try to think about how necessary it is each time you use it in the future.
Also, that paragraph and the next are spaced differently than in the rest of your app.
I might go through the rest later, this is quite long already and I have stuff I need to go get done.
Gust gust gust gust SANDATTACK
Member No.: 11,303
Joined: 9-June 09
You're welcome! :3 I am happy to help and I'm really glad you appreciate it!
I don't think you're an idiot AT ALL! I really want to stress this. We all have our strong suits and yours might not be in writing -- but that's totally fine, *especially* because you acknowledge that you're not the best and you're willing to improve and listen to critique, and really that's the most important part of anything you create.
Don't worry about not using semicolons; your teacher is right, it's usually better to avoid them if you don't know what you're doing. Heck, I probably don't use them *exactly* right, I just know that it's used to connect two related sentences in a paragraph and I just have a feel for them. If you're not comfortable with 'em, don't bother~ ;D
I just checked here
and it looks like the deadline was extended to May 10th? I really hope that's correct because otherwise we're teetering on the deadline~ D: I'm going to try to get as much as I can to you tonight now that I have a few free minutes.
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