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Title: Application Finished - Rate & Opinion Please


LilyRose - November 11, 2010 09:24 PM (GMT)
I am going to apply for xxJUICY_FRUITxx on Dec. 1st. I have finished the application for her. I have created a pet lookup & petpage for her. I have never adopted this way & I scoured the web & read all the help pages I could find for what to put into Adoption Application. So now I would be grateful if you all would look through it & tell me what I need to change, add, or take out.

My Disco JubJub is hosting the lookup & the Adoption Application.

Please, any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance, LilyRose

cegul - November 11, 2010 09:54 PM (GMT)
If the owner has not said specifically she will be using the pound, I would bet my bottom dollar she was planning on transferring anyhow.

I would use the word and instead of &. It seems more professional.

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I personally, don't have any side accounts

Unnecessary comma.

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one, I do have friends & they help me if I don't know something or if I need help with anything.


Period after one. Start a new sentence. I don't see how this sentence related to the paragraph.

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They are all NeoPound babies which I find very sad, but I am very happy that I got them.

Why is that sad?

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I first got Estri (Estrelli7a) by a complete lucky click.
Specify it was through the pound, if that is what you meant.

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She also things she deserves the very best

Thinks

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One of my friends found her in the NeoPound, adopted her,

I am now assuming you are referring to the pound, not the site NeoPound. If that is the case, just say pound instead of NeoPound.

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It is just his beginings that tainted him. He is very protective of his sister

Beginnings, sisters

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I don't like that & to much chance of him getting seriously hurt.

and there is too

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feel for you. Please know

for you, please know

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The only reason I battle him in the 1-Player dome is because he kept asking to fight.

You keep making the battledome out to be a bad thing when a lot of fosters think of it as something positive to do.

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I don't leave them sick or with their hit point below

Continue this sentence.

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I understand all the sadness that she has already been through, and so I will provide everything she needs to be happy. I promise to be a friend to my new Neopet and never ever ever put her through the pain of neglect or abandonment again.

Most fosters think what they are doing is nice, and not a terrible thing for their neopets to go through. I am sure they would prefer you adopted out the draik if you were to quit instead of letting her rot. But if you adopt, I suppose you could do what you liked with her.

I would scrap your first paragraph in the plans section and state you would not change her gender or color.

In the story you say the facility was not for draiks, and yet she was in a section specifically for draiks.

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Draiks, were played with, well fed,

No comma after draiks.


You have some other spelling mistakes. Run it through spell check.


LilyRose - November 11, 2010 10:17 PM (GMT)
Whoa! :o I didn't think I was that bad. Thanks a bunch. I will make those changes.

LilyRose - November 11, 2010 10:41 PM (GMT)
OK, got those changes made. Thanks again. Anyone else, wanna look? links are still the same.

kazunee - November 11, 2010 11:22 PM (GMT)
Hey there, I'm also applying for Julie. I just skimmed through it and I think it looks very good! ^^

LilyRose - November 14, 2010 12:14 AM (GMT)
Thank you again.

Jumbie - January 23, 2011 03:25 AM (GMT)
I applied as well for Sephie. Good luck :D




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