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[the nikki]

Name or nickname: Nikki

Age: 20

Referred by: Surly I believe

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Sample:

I don’t know how to say goodbye- A Ryan/Isabelle fanfic.

Dedicated to Dino.
I couldn’t sleep last night, after our talk. I have so many emotions that I can’t express. I wanted to write some of it down. I hope I do a good job of it. I love you more then I love my own brother, I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. On the other hand you make me crazy. I guess I can’t win aye?


Ryan was never mine. Not the ‘his and her’ love for the rest of your life mine anyway. And I was okay with that. I never wanted him to be mine in that way. At times I thought I might but no. He never gave me the same kind of tingles in the pit of my stomach Oliver gave me (And still does give me.). There was a time I could have made Ryan become mine. I was eighteen and pregnant with his child. I could have made him marry me. Save my honour so to speak. I didn’t though. I never really even considered marrying Ryan. Even when I would be looked down upon for being so young and pregnant. Who wanted a loveless marriage anyway?

Well. There would have been love. God. I loved… I love him. I never know what tense to use now. My heart does not stop loving him because he is gone. I love Ryan Stamford and even death cannot shake that. I’m not even sure I could begin to explain the nature of the love I feel for him. I have known him just as long as Jase or Markie. He and I have always had this.. love hate thing happening. The stuff passion is made out of. Yeah, if only he wasn’t gay.

I still remember the day he told me he was gay. We were at the park after school. I knew there was something wrong and wanted to find out what. He claims I weaselled it out of him. No Weaselling though. I swear. It didn’t take very long for him to tell me. He probably wanted to tell someone. I mean it couldn’t have been easy on the boy. Hiding a secret like that. At first I was too shocked for words. Ryan.. Gay. I mean this was fairy huge. I was expecting it to be something smaller and not so…. Well huge. It didn’t take me long though to slip back into comfort mode and tell him that I still loved him no matter who he sleeps with. Maybe not in those exact words. You get the idea though.

I’d be lying if I said it was all roses and puppies after that. We both went through a lot… together and personally. I’m not exactly sure how the bond grew and why it was forged deeper then my other friends. Most of the time we didn’t even like each other. Fighting with Ry was hell. I hated every moment we were arguing yet I just couldn’t help myself. He drove me so crazy sometimes. That all seems a little futile now. All the fighting. Now that he is gone none of the anger is there. The love is though. If I could go back, I’d probably take back all the fights we had. Only we’d have just found something else to fight over.

I even fought with him when he was sick. I feel terrible to admit that. However it wouldn’t be fair to his memory if I didn’t. Two days before he died I went to see him. He was in a particularly unpleasant mood that morning. I had brought him a bag of skittles.

“I don’t like skittles.” He grunted, eyeing the bag.
I tried to take this in my stride. He had a right to be in a shit mood. He was sick.. Dying. So I pushed a grin to my features and sat on the chair beside his bed. “More for me then.” I said brightly. I knew better then to ask Ryan how he was feeling. I’d seen him snap at nurses till they cried for asking that question.

“You come alone..” He commented. He always felt the need to point out the absence of my fiancé, Ollie.

This annoyed me really. I couldn’t understand why neither of them could just get over it and move on. Ryan reacted hostile because Oliver acted Hostile and Oliver couldn’t forgive Ryan for what happened between us, Ry and I. I mean, not that it wouldn’t have been easy for Oliver. The man was dying though, he could have let go of the past. However, this isn’t Oliver we are talking about..

Still with the fake smile on my features I gave off a small shrug. “He had to work.” The standard excuse I always used.

Ryan gritted his teeth and mumbled a smart-ass response. “Right. It’s hard work avoiding me.”

Oh great. Emo Ryan.

“Ryan, drop it okay.” I begged, my patience already wearing thin.

“No pep talks about how little ollie still cares about his friends today? Jesus Isabelle he hasn’t spoken to Jase or I since he almost killed me at your eighteenth.”

“He did not almost kill you.” I stated, trying to stay calm. Clearly it wasn’t working because Ryan sensed my stress.

“Why do you keep coming to see me Isabelle?”

“You are my friend.”

“Right… Sure.”

Fun, sarcasm.

“Holy hell Ryan if you are going to go emo on my I will just leave!” I snapped.

“I am not being fucking emo.” Was the equally as snappy response.

“Could have fooled me! I am getting so sick and tired of putting up with this crap Ryan.” I hadn’t meant to have it come out so harsh.

Ryan paused for a moment. His voice lowered greatly. “Then don’t come and see me anymore.”

That had hit me like a tone of bricks. I faltered for a moment before standing. “You don’t mean that..?” Phrased like a statement, however nothing about my voice was sure.

“Yes… I do..” His voice broke in the middle of that statement.

I took a long time to reply. Staring at him with tears threatening to pass my lids. “Too bad.” I said at last. “You are stuck with me.”

In a huff, he snatched the bag of skittles and started shoving them moodily into his mouth. I knew he loved skittles.

I don’t think I will ever forget the day he died. I have seen a lot of loss in my life but it did not make the loss of Ryan any easier. It had come as a surprise. Well, as much as a surprise as it could have been… Considering his illness. I had seen him just the night before. Jase and I had hung out in Ryan’s room for a lot of the night. We had watched an old movie we used to love as children then played poker. I took it as my que to leave when Jase suggested they turn the game into strip poker. The love-birds deserve some time alone. Not to mention the fact I had my own lover to go home too. I kissed them both goodnight and left. I might have said more if I knew it would be the last time I saw him. However apart from being somewhat pale he showed no signs of slowing down.

I was in the middle cooking Oliver blue-berry pancakes, to make up for spending so much time with Ryan, when I got the call from Jase. His voice was quiet and I knew it from the way he said my name when I answered. Ryan had died. Only two hours after Jase had left him. It was horrible. I could barely say goodbye to Jase due to the large lump rising up into my throat. I let the phone fall from my hand and crash open onto the bench. By that stage Oliver had registered what was going on. He sprang from his spot on the table, reading the paper. His arms moved around me but I barely felt a thing. I felt cold, then hot. Then just really numb. Soothing words were whispered into my ear but I payed them no attention.

Ryan Stamford was gone. Dead.

Anyone that knows me well would have expected me to cry. Only I couldn’t. I didn’t know why but tears could not come. It was like I could not except Ryan was gone. He couldn’t be. He had been such a strong presence in my life. I couldn’t even cry at the funeral. Jase was a mess of tears and I couldn’t shed a tear as I read the eulogy. Everyone seemed really worried. Like it wasn’t normal for me to keep composed in times of sorrow.. I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready for a long time. I tried to visit his grave several times but I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye.

One afternoon, at my father’s house, about a month after Ryan’s death I was busy doing what my father had been begging me to do for ages. Going through my old bed-room and boxing up stuff I didn’t plan on taking to my apartment. He wanted to have the room cleaned and ready for my elderly grandma who was coming to live with him. I was sitting on my bed going through my large array of soft-toys when I found the small blue bear Ryan had given me when we found out we would be having a boy.

A wave of sorrow washed over me. At first I thought it was just one of those waves of emotion that hits me when I think of the child I lost. However it wasn’t. It didn’t take long for my eyes to sting with tears. My finger traced the smile stitched into the blue fur. Hot salty droplets leaked from my eyes and dribbled down my cheeks.

“Goodbye Ryan.”

[Surly]

Accepted! Absolutely fantastic! You portrayed their relationship perfectly. I'm going to put you in hearts, because of the wonderful detail in your post.

Welcome, and feel free to introduce yourself, or start/join a roleplay =)

[the nikki]

Why am I now in diamonds?