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BEYOND ELECTRIC DREAMS! > ARCHIVES > A Day in the Life


Title: A Day in the Life
Description: Months before that fateful day...


ectoBiologist - June 6, 2011 02:18 AM (GMT)
Your name is JOHN EGBERT. It is JUNE 12TH, 2008. In truly META FASHION, your mun has decided that it is important to put up a topic in your room in order to PRACTICE HIS WRITING SKILLS AS YOU. You cannot see a problem with this. It is important to note that by this point, SCHOOL HAS ENDED. You are pretty much free to do anything you like. It is a nice and sunny Friday morning, and you have just woken up an hour ago. You are dressed in your favorite CON-AIR PAJAMAS and you are looking rather UNKEMPT at the moment. You note that you have still not MADE YOUR BED, although since it's SUMMER, you could honestly care less. The windows are open and letting in a particularly warm BREEZE, and you note that your FASHIONABLE SPECTACLES seem to have FALLEN UNDER THE BED AGAIN. You remind yourself to get an end table at some point in time for this GLARING PROBLEM. What will you do?

>Enter a command.

tentacleTherapist - June 6, 2011 02:20 AM (GMT)
> John: Examine room.

cuttlefishCuller - June 6, 2011 03:07 AM (GMT)
> John: Look for glasses. Forget looking for your glasses, WHERE'S YOUR BUNNY?

ectoBiologist - June 6, 2011 08:37 PM (GMT)
>John: Examine room.

You examine your room with some passing interest to spot anything out of the ordinary. Aside from the normal objects, which include your MAGIC CHEST, your BED, the odd CAKE, your favorite POSTERS OF BAD MOVIES, and the all important COMPUTER, which you plan to use at some point in time today to replay through PROBLEM SLEUTH once more whenever you find the patience late at night. You notice that your favorite SPADE SHIRT is hanging up on your doorknob along with a fresh pair of SHORTS. It seems your Dad is being sneaky again. That, or he just wanted to let you sleep in again. You don't really know. What else is there to do, you wonder?

>John: Look for glasses. Forget looking for your glasses, WHERE'S YOUR BUNNY?

You realize something horrible. Something absolutely terrible. Something that may or may not be completely and utterly hilarious. In your half-awake stupor, you had lost your BUNNY! You drop to your knees in sheer and utter panic for a few moments, then begin to tear up your room in search for your beloved CON-AIRTIFACT. Your dreams can't be complete without it! Your sheets go flying all across the room and the contents of your magic chest are dumped out in search for the FABLED BUNNY IN A BOX. You then realize something incredibly important. The first is that this entire search, while motivating and tear-wrenching, is wholly IMPOSSIBLE TO SUCCEED IN. Your BEST IRONIC BRO hasn't even sent out the package yet! Oh, man, you can't wait until it arrives. You seem to have made quite a mess, however. Your room is now in complete disarray. Welp. Nice job, Zoosmell Pooplord. You really messed it up this time.

cuttlefishCuller - June 7, 2011 06:38 AM (GMT)
> John: Check magic chest for a fancy disguise.

ectoBiologist - June 7, 2011 11:37 AM (GMT)
>John: Check magic chest for a fancy disguise.

You dig into the old magicchest and pull out the finest magical disguisewears known to man. Reverently, you hold them up into the air, glorying in their divine and humorous light. These are pranking, humor, and possibly magic at its finest. You're not sure which. Of course, the object you retrieved is your faithful BEAGLEPUSS. You are not sure what you would do without it. Oh, you also claim your wizard hat, you guess. Finally, you grab your sheets as impromptu magic robes. All of these combine to form a TOTALLY SWEET WIZARD DISGUISE THAT DEFINITELY AND TOTALLY WORKS. You can't wait to sneak past your father in this classy disguise.

Doc Scratch - June 7, 2011 02:45 PM (GMT)
>John: Casually exit room and casually make your way downstairs. Casually pay no mind to the harlequins. Casually.

ectoBiologist - June 7, 2011 08:27 PM (GMT)
>John: Casually exit room and casually make your way downstairs. Casually pay no mind to the harlequins. Casually.

With your SWEET DISGUISE, no HARLEQUIN SHENANIGANS can break past the impeccable BEAGLE AEGIS! Nothing! You stroll right down, keeping your eyes specifically away from any harlequin-related mischief. Your father be damned if the harlequins actually manage to penetrate such a defense. GROUCHO MARX would roll over in his grave if he knew that you had failed him while wearing some of his classy wears. You simply would not be able to take the shame. Besides, you feel like a rebel today. Who cares about dressing up for the day's activities? Your REBELLION FLASK has filled by approximately ONE ANARCHIC SIGN for disregarding the daily routine. You feel almost as cool as Dave already.

tentacleTherapist - June 8, 2011 10:25 PM (GMT)
> John: Have a crisis of confidence pertaining to your rebellious attitudes and your father's approval.

ectoBiologist - June 8, 2011 10:35 PM (GMT)
>John: Have a crisis of confidence pertaining to your rebellious attitudes and your father's approval.

You realize that your boost in rebellious wiles would likely go against the righteous and upstanding symbol of citizenship that your father has drilled into you endlessly through training and forced cake-baking regimens. Your knees begin to shake. Oh god. You're becoming the bad guy. What will Dad think? This is a bad path. This is a really bad path. You get so unrebellious that your REBELLION FLASK forms a hole. Nice going. You'll never be THE GUY. It's okay, though, girls like nice guys, right? You hurry yourself back upstairs and get SHOWERED AND CLEAN. You are now DRESSED FOR TODAY.

Marquise Spinneret Mindfang - June 17, 2011 07:18 PM (GMT)
> John: Flip through your worn copy of Colonel Sassacre's in an attempt to find something you can do that is more silly and not as outright rebellious.

ectoBiologist - June 17, 2011 11:29 PM (GMT)
>John: Flip through your worn copy of Colonel Sassacre's in an attempt to find something you can do that is more silly and not as outright rebellious.

Of course! The COLONEL and his HOLY BIBLE OF INSANELY HILARIOUS ANTICS should get you through those first few morning hours! It's genius! It's nutty! It's completely hilarious! You scurry right back up into your room and throw open your magic chest, carefully putting your MAGICAL ERUDITE DISGUISEWEARS aside so you can see better. You dig out the following items; two FAKE ARMS, a pair of TRICK HANDCUFFS, a PLASTIC YELLOW BUCKET, some SMOKE PELLETS, a couple of CLASSIC WIZARD WANDS, a DECK OF TRICK CARDS, and a DECK OF NORMAL CARDS before hitting the jackpot. There it is. Your copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY.

After a bit of struggling, you manage to set the text carefully down and throw the front cover and first half of the book to your favorite section of CLASSIC AND TIMELESS PRANKS. You notice two in particular. The first is the QUITE AMUSING AND OLD AS HASH JAPERY INCLUDING A BUCKET FULL OF WATER AND A STRATEGIC PERCHING UPON A DOORFRAME, and the EVER SO WELL EXECUTED PIE TO THE FACE FOLLOWED BY A GRAND AND DARING ESCAPE USING A BOMB THAT WHEN EXPLODED EMANATES SMOKE. On further inspection, you see a last prank that is TIMELESS AND HARMLESS JOKE WHEREUPON A JESTER UNDER MY TEACHINGS SUCH AS THE READER TAKES A DECK OF CARDS AND SCATTERS THE CONTENTS ACROSS THE FLOOR TO LEAVE AN UNWITTING VICTIM TO PICK UP.

You can't wait. This is going to be awesome.

Marquise Spinneret Mindfang - June 20, 2011 06:26 PM (GMT)
> John: Locate Dad, so you can get started on your pranks!

ectoBiologist - June 20, 2011 06:50 PM (GMT)
>John: Locate Dad, so you can get started on your pranks!

Oh man. This is perfect. You'll pull the ultimate PRANK TRIFECTA using the instructions detailed in Sassacre's book. You've got this. First, you'll set up the bucket on the kitchen doorframe, balanced carefully with a stick as a support. Next, you'll run into the kitchen, and pull out the 52 pickup prank. Then, when he least expects it, you'll abscond using your smoke pellets, making sure not to hit the door that the stick is positioned in front of. When your dad exits the kitchen, the stick will be hit by the bucket and fall right onto him! Genius! You've got this. You sneak right up to that kitchen door and set up the bucket trap. With cards in hand, you burst in.

You see him baking there. Perfect. With one hand, you flip out the cards, spreading them all over the ground. With the other, you throw down the smoke pellets and bring your foot down onto them, releasing a large amount of smoke! You then do a LAD SCAMPER right out of the safe door, making sure to run up the stairs just out of sight to keep an eye on the bucket trap. When your father comes rushing out... DOOF. The bucket bonks him on the head, dropping a few packets of gushers that you left out to let him know that it was all in GOOD FUN. After that TRIFECTA, the PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT swings HEAVILY IN YOUR FAVOR. That one simply cannot be topped. It's impossible.

turntechGodhead - June 28, 2011 04:35 PM (GMT)
> John: Go back upstairs to tell all your friends about your amazing pranks!

ectoBiologist - June 28, 2011 06:30 PM (GMT)
>John: Go back upstairs to tell all your friend about your amazing pranks!

Now for the pay-off. You just pulled off the sweetest of the sweet prank trifectas, the first and foremost combo listed in the TOME OF PRANKING; you just executed the CONFRUSTASION TRIPLEDIPLACEMENT. You know that you should be watching your back for a RETRIBUTION PRANK to start today's PRANK WARS, but you can't resist. You dash right back upstairs and quickly detail a message to all of your friends that goes a little something like this:

EB: hey guys.
EB: guess what.
EB: i just pulled three pranks in a row on my old man.
EB: hehehehehehe.

(if anyone wants to respond to these messages feel free!)

Making sure your door is wedged tightly shut, you crack your fingers and lay back, holed up in your room with numerous snacking supplies claimed from previous scavenging runs on the kitchens. Today is going to be a BATTLE OF ATTRITION. Currently, you have 3 BOXES OF GUSHERS, a CARTON OF APPLE JUICE (in other terms, 10 APPLE JUICES), 4 BAGS OF SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS, and two CANS OF PRINGLES, one BARBECUE FLAVORED and the other PIZZA FLAVORED. Oh, man. You are going to enjoy your time spent in your room. But, then, an important question pops up to you in your moment of triumph. WHAT SNACK SHALL YOU EAT FIRST?

tentacleTherapist - June 28, 2011 09:23 PM (GMT)
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [TT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo

TT: Boasting about pranks played on your father points to series insecurity issues.
TT: Does your household have a history of abuse?
TT: The first step to healing is admittance.

ectoBiologist - June 30, 2011 03:22 AM (GMT)

EB: gosh, i can't play a prank on my old man every once in a while?
EB: i mean, well, it's not like we don't exchange pranks every so often anyway.
EB: it's almost like, a duel between student and master.
EB: except today, the prankster's gambit is mine.
EB: all mine, hehehehe.

tentacleTherapist - July 4, 2011 09:00 PM (GMT)
TT: I know it's hard to admit, John.
TT: But with proper discussion, we can get through this.
TT: What did your father do with the cake?

ectoBiologist - July 5, 2011 06:55 AM (GMT)

EB: oh, rose, you should've seen it.
EB: it was horrible.
EB: he.
EB: one entire funfetti cake.
EB: and i feel so sick and violated now.
EB: (hehehehe)

tentacleTherapist - July 5, 2011 09:09 AM (GMT)
TT: Hold a moment while I get one of the many journals I keep for you.
TT: Publications forthcoming, I think you case will be groundbreaking.
TT: As a licensed professional, my next question will have to be "Mr. Egbert, how long has your father behaved this way with his confectionery delights.

ectoBiologist - July 7, 2011 02:29 AM (GMT)

EB: the only answer to that is
EB: FOREVER.

turntechGodhead - October 3, 2011 04:36 PM (GMT)
-- CURRENT turntechGodhead [tG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo --

tG: oh great
tG: i get added to some stupid memo and it is all about johns closet cake fetish
tG: its ok egbert you can admit it
tG: you have a thing for cake like you have a thing for cage

ectoBiologist - November 24, 2011 04:12 AM (GMT)
EB: dave what are you talking about.
EB: i do not have a closet cake fetish.
EB: i dunno about my dad, but i definitely don't!
EB: but yeah, cage is a really cool guy!
EB: you just have to, you know, appreciate the works through different eyes.
EB: it really is great stuff!

tentacleTherapist - November 24, 2011 06:59 AM (GMT)
TT: By that logic, Michelangelo's David is a greatly sculpted piece of soft-core pornography.
TT: The cakes are obviously a representation of hidden feelings.

ectoBiologist - November 25, 2011 03:58 AM (GMT)
EB: what are you talking about?
EB: i mean, the whole "son, i am proud of you" cake and the "son, perhaps we should have 'the talk'" cake kind of made sense, but...
EB: what about the 'son, kitchen, now. bring the shaving cream' cake?




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