Group: RETURNING
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Member No.: 333
Joined: 29-April 12
Robby wasn't all that proud of how things got left between himself and Toby. He'd spent hours, days, weeks, in South America trying to work but mostly thinking about Toby and all the things he either didn't say or shouldn't have said. They hadn't necessarily had a blow out fight, and Robby didn't say anything nasty... but he could have been different. He could have left well enough alone. He could have relaxed about Toby's choices and let Toby do what he wanted to do free of insistence that he was making terrible judgment calls. In sum, Robby should have been more of a boyfriend and less of a father. But that's the way it went, then then Robby had to leave for a new piece. Work called and in all these years, Robby had been married to her work.
But in the time he was gone and had to think, Robby figured out what he wanted and needed. If you couldn't stop thinking about somebody the way he thought about Toby, then that person deserved to have you make an effort for them to change things. Robby had returned back to Chicago two days ago, spent them mostly asleep from the jet lag and now... well, tonight he was going to find Toby and tell him everything that needed telling.
He knew where to find him. He was nervous, but he was here alright. Malice. And he was going to find Toby, and he was going to get him to listen. In fact, shortly, he was waiting on Toby.
He was gone, and he’d accepted it. Or at least he told himself he had. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back, and no matter how upset he got about it that wasn’t going to change. So what was the point in changing himself? He was gone and his life had carried on down the same path as beforehand. Only whatever emotional breakthrough he’d had beforehand had been left behind entirely. Toby had never been broken up with before. It had always been the other way around, or someone else had driven the stake between them. But this time he’d heard the words. He’d heard the words and watched him go. But the worst part wasn’t watching him go, it was seeing him everywhere afterwards.
The calmer mornings had been the worst. The mornings where he’d spent the night in a nicer bed that had brought with it dreams and memories of another, more familiar one. The hardest part was waking up and expecting to open his eyes to see someone that wasn’t there, and would never be again. Then the silence came afterwards. Many a time had the color washed from his face and the pain tightened in his chest. It was just a dream. He was only dreaming. Time to be a man about it and move on. But even that was hard enough. He could play pretend as long as he wanted to, but deep deep down beneath the blank expression and artificial smiles, it still hurt. And he was angry. Angry at himself, angry at Robby, angry at every last television in Chicago that reminded him that wherever he was, he was somewhere without him. Angry, hurt, but surviving.
Life wasn’t going to get better if he didn’t keep going. So he did, he kept going. He kept working not to think about him, kept smoking, kept shooting up. Whatever it took to stop it. Just to make everything else leave him the fuck alone. He was a Carlisle. Carlisles weren’t supposed to feel like this.
But there he was.
He’d walked in to room 14, second hallway, third to the left, having zero expectations as to what he was going to see. But this, this was nowhere on his radar. Even when they were together he’d never set foot in the club. He was a celebrity for christ’s sake. His career could have been at risk here. Then again when you were fucking someone half your age when wasn’t it? Toby’s expression, if he’d even had one before, dropped entirely. His eyes softened and his brows furrowed, and whatever heart he had was aching. No. No why the fuck was he here? What kind of sick joke was this? His hand went for the doorknob and stopped. Silence.
“This isn’t okay.” He shook his head, trying his hardest to push everything back down and keep it from rising to the surface, “This isn’t okay.” There was a shake in his voice when he repeated it. You’re a Carlisle Toby, a Carlisle. Where were these tears when you needed them? Where were they? You’re a Carlisle. You can’t let them see you cry. He locked the door behind him and stepped forward, tilting his head with rage, pain, and sadness stirring in his eyes all together. “What part of this did you think was okay?!” He tried to keep his voice steady but it wasn’t working as well as he intended. He had no idea. He had no idea, and this was a joke. A sick game. He had no idea...
Group: NATIVE
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Robby truthfully hadn't expected that. He hadn't expected that look in Toby's eyes. He looked so... furious, and upset. Such angry eyes were so beautiful, though. It made Robby a little sick, mostly from guilt and shock. He straightened up, standing and swallowing. He was speechless, just staring at Toby there, looking so wounded and angry. Robby's mouth opened a closed a few times like some kind of handsome fish before he spoke. "No, I don't... this isn't... I'm not actually here to... you know, this." He gestured around the room, and was probably sticking his foot in his mouth right now. "I'm not actually here for you to work, Toby. I just wanted some of your time. I'm only here to talk to you. That's it."
He had to fight his urge to just lurch forward and wrap his arms around Toby. He knew that wouldn't go well. It wouldn't surprise him if Toby were to coldcock him for trying to get anywhere near him. But Gods, did he want to just hold him so badly for a moment. "I just want to talk." He whispered now.
Toby felt his fists curl up and the heat rise to his cheeks. He needed to calm down. Deep breathing, relaxing his shoulders, and closing his eyes... he managed to bottle things back up enough to converse. If it had been anyone else he wouldn’t have hesitated. Then again, if it had been anyone else, this wouldn’t be happening. He looked down at the cuffs of his shirt and messed with them in some attempt to keep himself busy. He couldn’t look at him right now. At this point he couldn’t determine whether or not he was going to kill him or hold him tight and refuse to let go, so it was better just to plant himself there. “You said you weren’t coming back.” Once more tried to keep his voice as still as possible, but the emotions were still there. “Robby,” He couldn’t help it. Just as quickly as they’d looked away, he found his eyes looking desperately up at him. Still the same. A little tanner, but still just as he’d left him. He shook his head, the anger gradually simmering down into a concoction shit he hadn’t felt in a long time, “What the fuck else could you possibly say?”
Group: RETURNING
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Member No.: 333
Joined: 29-April 12
"I didn't say I was never coming back, I just said that I wasn't sure where things were going to take me when I finished in Machu Picchu. And I wasn't, at the time." He defended his statements a little, but wasn't very rough. He spoke softly still, watching Toby trying to handle himself. He hadn't seen Toby looking so emotional before. Or like he really wanted to be emotional. Now part of Robby wished he'd just let it go. Like maybe if Toby flipped out for a moment and shoved him and yelled at him a bit, they'd really be able to talk about things. But Robby wasn't sure it could go like that, and so he just tried to stay as relaxed and approachable as possible. He had things to say.
"I have... a lot more to say actually. Starting with tell you that I was wrong about almost everything." He sighed and slowly sat back down, hands on his knees. "I should have been more respectful of your thought process and your decisions about your life. I shouldn't have stuck my nose in like I was your father or something... because the very LAST thing on my mind is being a father for you."
It didn’t matter what Robby had said beforehand. Toby knew what had sat beneath the statements. In all honesty they could have been done for good. Toby didn’t have a stable address, cell phone, and even he had said some... not nice things the last time they’d spoken. But he regretted it so quickly afterwards, after they’d parted ways to go on with their lives. He didn’t really regret a lot of things, but he had then. Toby was silent as he spoke, watching him motionlessly as he moved away to sit down.
There was a twitch at the tips of his fingers when he put himself there in his seat. Toby didn’t want him sitting there. He didn’t want him anywhere near this shit hole. Okay, it was far from that. But Toby had done things on that chair. Dirty, filthy, horrible people had sat there before and he didn’t want him anywhere near that category. But he said nothing. He was speaking. It would have been rude, and as much as Robby didn’t want to be an authority figure, his manners had rubbed off on him. His words filtered rapidly through his mind. Then there was silence, his eyes finding their place at his hands again.
“I’m sorry.” He blurted out immediately after Robby spoke his last word. Sorry. When was the last time Toby Carlisle said ‘sorry’ without having a knife to his throat ten seconds beforehand? “I’m sorry about what I said. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to.... How to be in a normal relationship with anybody regardless of the sexual activity between us. I’m sorry I’m not exactly normal myself.” He sniffed and cleared his throat, wiping his face with his sleeve in some attempt to man up, but the mask was cracking, “And I’m sorry I didn’t call.” His voice faltered in pitch now. “Because I knew your number. I still do, know... and I could have called you. I could have called you and said sorry but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I didn’t know how. When you walked away that was supposed to be it but it wasn’t. It wasn’t it and no matter how hard I tried I just. couldn’t. forget.” He wanted to be angry now. He wanted the fury back. But it had turned into this weird sappy feeling and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all.
Group: RETURNING
Posts: 14
Member No.: 333
Joined: 29-April 12
Robby held his breath while Toby started spilling what he had to say. He held still until Toby was done, and then upon exhaling he stood right up, not even hesitating now to come to him and wrap his arms around him, squeezing. "Hey, hey, no tears," he said quietly. "You don't need to be sorry, because I'm not mad at you. I understand if you're mad at me, but I'm not mad at you. I don't think you really did anything wrong... you're an adult, Toby. I should have been treating you like one. If this is what you do, this is what you do. If you don't want to stop it, I have no right to come into your life and try asking you to. I guess I just thought I was doing the right thing trying to sway you into better options... but that line of thinking was predicated on my own perception of what a good option is." He took a breath, standing back. "I didn't have much signal down there anyway."
Chewing the inside of his lip, Robby looked down at Toby and sighed. He looked around the room, and tried not to think or judge what had happened here. He knew man people really did just choose sex work, and that was okay. It was just so hard to separate from the persons he'd met forced into it. Sent to places unknown with no choice in being bought and sold and forced and hurt. And that was unimaginable for Robby when it came to Toby. He couldn't think of it.
Toby didn’t want a hug. He wanted to be angry. But when he felt those arms come closing in around him he didn’t know what to feel anymore. His instinct would have been to push him away. Physical contact in that form was something he had grown unaccustomed to. Really Robby had been one of the only people to ever really introduce that to him. Sure he was intimate with a number of people. But with Robby there was something else behind each physical action that gave it a different meaning. So as cheesy and sickeningly corny as it was, he couldn’t push him away. He brought his hands up in some attempt of a protest but was able to nothing but grab his shirt and take it. He listened to the sound of his voice and took a deep breath. He smelled like Robby. Obviously. But it was so comforting just to have him. To hold and be held. Maybe he could be angry later. He’d woken up dreaming of this moment for so long, he could take advantage of the time he had.
No one had ever called him an adult before. He’d always been ‘kid’. Kid kid kidd kidda kid kid always. But while in several ways he was still very, very young, he had grown up along time ago. When you were on your own as much as he was, it was to be expected. Not to mention being around people his age was a rarity. Osmosis had taken effect and he’d been ruined for all things and people in his age group. Maybe it was weird. Maybe it was even cliche. But age was just a number. He didn’t care to think about the future. How things would be in twenty years when he was almost forty and Robby would be pushing sixty five. Would he even live until forty? None of that was of any importance. All that mattered was right now. He didn’t want to talk about anything else. About changing, about leaving. So he didn’t.
“I don’t think I can handle something like this happening again, Robby.” And it was true. If it hurt so bad the first time, he didn’t want it to happen again. Ever. “I just-” He shifted his face into his chest as grip grew tighter. “I fookin’ hate y’, okay?” It was getting harder to make sense of his words. “I hate you,” Toby’s words spoke one thing, but his body language spoke the opposite. His arms crept further around him, holding him tighter and refusing to let go. “I hate you, I hate your face. I hate your job. I hate your house and your bed and your dog.” Clearly he meant the opposite, he was just saying all of this to make himself feel better about how much of a pussy he was on the inside right now. His fingers made there way to the back of his neck where they stroked so gently, so lovingly. This, was the opposite of hate. In Carlisle, it meant love. The ‘L’ word was just really hard to say, or even admit to right now. He lifted his head off of his chest to look at him, eyes still weak in comparison to their normal state of pacifistic aggression. “Okay,” He pressed his lips together, the kitty eyes getting a little intense, “I lied about your face, but the rest still stands.”
Group: RETURNING
Posts: 14
Member No.: 333
Joined: 29-April 12
Robby's stomach dropped some when Toby said he hated him, but then everything about this began to confuse his senses for a moment. It only took Robby a moment to move through the cognitive dissonance, and momentarily as well he was left standing and looking down at Toby's eyes. They were a little less watery, but a little less mad and still all the around the sweetest eyes he'd ever seen. "Well, I'm relieved that you don't really hate my face. I'm not sure how I'd carry on if that were true." He winked and hoped it wasn't too soon to be getting a little 'cute' with him about this. He sighed and extended his arms, touching Toby's shoulders and looking at him a moment, thinking to be sure he was going to say the right words next.
"I don't want something like that to happen again. But that's why I'm here; because I want the good part to happen again and I want it to keep happening. You're worth it to me. You should be worth it to anybody, to take a the chance and work for it. You're an adult but, no, you haven't had an adult relationship and that's okay. I have, and clearly I forgot a little bit of the details like you have to work really hard to make them work. But I remember that now, and I know that it's what I want. I want you and I'm just here hoping that you want me too and want to make this work. Despite hating me and my dog and my house."
Just as quickly as he’d come to wrap his arms around him, it felt as though he was suddenly pulling away. Toby felt the tug of his motion and his heart fluttered in momentary panic. His fingers loosened their grip upon his shirt and strayed down back to his sides. An adult, not a child. Not a child. But he felt like one sometimes, staring in such captivation up at the man double his age. But he was right. This was an adult relationship, they were adults. Toby didn’t really have much to compare it to but he was willing to listen to what he had to say. But all the while he was speaking Toby was still watching, observing.
He hadn’t caught the cute little wink. His mind was elsewhere now, but his feline form of affection had certainly come to replace the sexual mind set he’d had what had to have been minutes ago now. How long at it been? How long had they been in here? His mind wasn’t back to reality just yet. Malice didn’t exist right now. This room didn’t exist. He’d burn it all down before it took his attention away. His own arm extended to touch his face and gently brush his thumb across his cheekbone. He loved everything and the face, but was this a good idea? For either of them? Could he handle that level of aching again if he was gone for good? The thoughts processed through his mind. Of all his friends, all his family, Toby was one of the few to actually think about decisions like this before making them. Quiet, contemplative, he took deep breaths. Calm, he could be calm now. Adults had to be calm, they had to make choices.
“I want you.” He finally spoke quite bluntly, “I want you. I want everything about you. I hate you sometimes but I want you, and I want to try again.” This wasn’t okay, to be this internally clingy when he’d only been back for under an hour. It wasn’t okay, it was ridiculous, and maybe some of that anger would come back later. But right now his words had wooed him like they always did. “And stop rambling,” He shook his head and crept closer to kiss the mouth he’d admired for so long just lightly, “It’ll get to be habitual.” Finally the mask seemed to rip into a lighter tone. Of course Robby won. Toby had rejected him for a number of things before (“but toby i’m working” “no” “maybe we should have asian food instead” “no”), but he could let him have this round. Just this once.
.
Group: RETURNING
Posts: 14
Member No.: 333
Joined: 29-April 12
Namely, Robby felt a huge wave of relief wash over him when Toby was upfront about wanting him. He let a breath go and smiled some, nodding and listening to his light prodding at his rambling habit... something he'd teased him for the night they met. He let his eyes close a moment as Toby kissed him and sighed, rubbing his shoulder. "Okay. We still obviously need to talk about everything more... in depth. But I think we should save that for my house that you hate." He sighs, looking around the room and pulling his loop of keys out of his pocket. "I understand that you have work, and if you can't just leave with me now, I want you to please come by afterwards. I'll give you a key."
Toby was finally starting to pull himself back to reality. He wasn’t at home. He wasn’t in that house he hated. He was at work. Robby had surprised him, yes, but he was still working. Who had let him in, anyways? They were supposed to give him a heads up when- Oh that’s right, no one knew. No one knew about them, how were they supposed to know? “Right.” He cleared his throat and looked around him. Seeing someone he actually cared about and wanted to be with made getting back to work a lot harder. He didn’t want to work the rest of the night, no, but he couldn’t really afford to take the night off.
Toby looked at the key. Did he know how much this actually meant to him? Probably not, but Toby did. That key would never be lost. Ever. He looked it over in his palm, then back at Robby. “I’ll come by as soon as I can?” He said before getting in another hug. Words couldn’t say what he wanted, so that was the best thing he could do. “And Robby?” He waited a moment, “Do me a favor. Don’t.... Don’t come back here, okay?” It wasn’t a scolding remark, but a plea. He didn’t want him to see this, he didn’t want him to be seen here. The risk was low considering how heavily guarded it was, but it was still risky and embarrassing for him nonetheless, “I know you can make your own decisions, and you’ve seen a lot worse but... There’s some things that... yeah. Not as classy here sometimes as I wish it was.” Finally Toby let go of him and backed away hesitantly, “I guess this is the part where we say goodbye again, huh?”
.
Group: RETURNING
Posts: 14
Member No.: 333
Joined: 29-April 12
Robby watched Toby's face still, not looking away. He'd missed that face so much and loved just about more than anything to watch those eyes of his change. It made him smile seeing the look in them while he turned the key over in his palm. Robby definitely thought Toby should have that. He was, after all, welcome any day and at any hour. So he exchanged another hug with him and considered his request, nodding. "If you want for me to not be back here, I won't. You don't need to be ashamed, though. I'm not ashamed of what you do." He offered him a smile and leaned some to kiss him just gently. "This is where we say see you later. My freezer is full of pizza. I'll see you in a few hours."
Truthfully, Robby just wanted to take Toby home with him. Of course he did. But, that was life, especially adulthood. You didn't always get to pick up and have things your way. He kissed Toby again, hands on his shoulders, before standing up straight. "We'll be at home waiting."
