Twisting Psyche [Music Challenge Thread], Breath of Life [04-01-13]

[T'Rae]

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Florence and the Machine

01. [Heavy In Your Arms] - Garron and Kalina
02. [My Best Dress] - Nightmares
03. [Hardest of Hearts] - T'Rae's Date with Geoffrey
04. [Rabbit Heart] - Ruvaiath's passing.
05. [Cosmic Love] - Discovering Gatsby's Death
06. [What The Water Gave Me] - Coping with Gatsby's Death
07. [Breath of Life] - The USS Synapta returns.
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[T'Rae]

OOC: 2027 words

[Heavy In Your Arms Link]

Garron and Kalina help their bond cope with her loss of balance while themselves adjusting. Takes place between Don't Lose Your Head and Getting To Know You.

---

When T'Rae returned home, she slept.

She slept as though she could sleep it all away. She slept as though she could wake up several days ago and never slip into that meditation. She would have gone crazy anyway, but it would have been gradual. She wouldn't have noticed. Perhaps that would have been a better alternative.

And as she slept, they watched.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down

She has changed. Kalina whispered, perched on the branches stretching out from beneath T'Rae's window. Just inside sat Garron, watching his Bonded just as intently. His grey eyes taking in the tense sleeping form. She hadn't changed when she came home, still wrapped in that stolen lab coat. He didn't like the way it smelled. It smelled of metal and death. It smelled of blood of creatures he didn't recognize. It smelled of fear and abject terror.

It smelled of corruption.

It smelled of Geoffrey.

I know. The words were darker than they sounded.

My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

The weyrd flew by beneath them, so many miles below. It could never match the feeling of orbit, suspended in a vacuum floating around a planet that, though you knew it was tens of thousands of miles around, was no bigger than your thumb. It was something to be in the air at least, something she could use to clear her head. Her fingers gripped the warm feathers that carried her tightly, probably much tighter than was comfortable for the South, but Kalina didn't stop her.

A strangled sigh floated to the Arathlial's ears.

I am proud of you, you know. Kalina finally spoke up as it became obvious that T'Rae wanted to talk, but wasn't willing to broach the subject. You stopped trying to find concrete reason where there was none to be found, you followed your emotions and you found something that made you happy. The motherly south looked over her outstretched wings to see her Vulcan bond twiddling with her hair and staring off into the distance.

"Did I?" Her voice was hoarse and disused, they were the first words she had spoken in days. It killed the motherly South to see her Bonded so disheartened by something that also made her happy. She looked back down to the weyrd, circling back by the clocktower.

Let's go home. Kalina had said her piece, she knew better than to push it on her Bond. It always took her longer to process her emotions than it did hard facts. The woman would return to her when she was ready. She always had.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground

Focus. Garron snapped, his teeth barred in frustration and his eyes looking across to her with angry disappointment.

"I'm trying, Garrron. I am." Her voice was weak, he knew she wasn't trying. Not as hard as she should be, not as hard as she could be. He knew that and yet she insisted on lying to him. His tail lashed back and forth in frustration.

You asked for this and yet you refuse to work for it. The disciplined words were acid to her. He knew it even as he said them. And yet he spoke them anyway, for he knew not what else to say. Even here in the garden she had built to center herself she could not cut out the unnecessary garbage cluttering her mind. She had asked for his help centering herself, but as he sat across the sand from her, he knew it was a waste of time.

T'Rae winced visibly at his words, and though the action shamed him he didn't back off his hard gaze. "You can't hear him. Feel him. It's distracting." The words were a weak excuse carried to him in a weak voice. Garron shook his head and stood up.

Yes I can. The words were cold fact, but she could see in the way he tensed that this bothered him greatly. His head was bold and high, but his tail trailed behind him in disappointment and frustration as he walked away from her, off into the forest.

"Garron." He didn't turn around.

He could feel it. He could feel Geoffrey vaguely and he could feel the way it affected T'Rae. He didn't know what to do about it.

And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

The South hummed softly to the night air. It was crisp and clean this evening, not so mightily humid as it had been. The threat of rain had finally faded to allow the sun a chance to burn away the moisture. T'Rae w as conflicted, yes, and though some of it was Geoffrey's the South knew it was something her Bond needed to work through. It was hard for her, but she was trying. The scene in the garden that morning with Garron made that exceptionally clear.

If only Garron could see how hard T'Rae was trying. She would have to talk to the familiar later, when he returned.

But for now she watched the dark world and hummed her tune to the nocturnal creatures creeping about. She would not be sleeping. Not tonight. Someone had to keep the nightmares at bay, T'Rae needed her rest. Rest she had so long sought.

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

He was her Guardian.

He had failed her.

And now he didn't know what to do.

So he ran. As soon as he reached the trees he ran. He ran until his lungs were burning, his paws were aching, his vision was blurring. And then he ran some more. He ran until the shade of night wrapped itself around the forest and shielded it from his piercing eyes. He ran until he couldn't feel her pain, couldn't feel her shame, couldn't feel her frustration. He ran until he couldn't feel his bitterness, his disappointment, his purposeslessness.

What was he if he could not protect her? If his rage only fed her fear and conflict.

With more than a little hatred in his heart and eyes he looked up the house of the devil that felled his angel. In this hell she had changed. She had signed the devil's contract with her heart, she had permitted the beast into her mind. And where did that leave him? A guard with nothing to protect. A defender of a twisted demon.

No.

T'Rae was still his. He could not protect her from the past. He may not like it, but it was done and gone. Now she needed him to protect her from herself. To protect her from the consequences that she couldn't handle. To get her back on her feet when she couldn't find her own balance.

Garron threw back his head and howled. More than victory. More than hatred. More than revenge.

Determination.

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

T'Rae groaned as the sun reached through the blinds and prodded at her closed eyelids. She did her best to deny its existence, but eventually even the warm cocoon of her blankets grew uncomfortable. With a sigh she pushed them aside and pulled herself from her bed. Much more steady on her feet now than she had been in days, she only wished she could be as steady in her mind. Leaving the house had brought down the full repercussions of what had happened down on her.

Hollow eyes stared at the ghost in the mirror. Cool water dripped from her hair and ran down her cheekbones. Or perhaps they were tears. She would not be surprised. How did humans live like this? Thousands of years with no control, no direction, no balance. Thousands of years of confusion, of torment, of conflict.

With a weak sigh she pulled her hair back, a pale seafoam green that belied her raging emotions. She supposed this was how they did it. Pulling out of bed each day despite the weight in their stomach, staring at hollow eyes in the mirror and telling themselves things will get better. Mechanically working through their duties each day, waiting for a light they knew wouldn't come.

There was only one question to be done, how would she occupy herself today?

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Garron stared up at his Bonded, she was oblivious to his presence. Absorbed by the mirror staring back at her. It was fairly apparent his behavior had left her even more lost than she had been when she first came home.

Surak once said 'Time is a path from the past to the future and back again.' Did he not? Garron finally spoke up, unable to watch her any longer. T'Rae looked down at where he sat, but her eyes never focused on him. They seemed to stare through him to the floor behind and around the calum.

"He also said 'Eik-veshtaya to'ovau kau - lu veshtaya ri glazhau goh na'kastorilaya t'kashan.*' Now I understand why." At least she was acknowledging him now. But still she still refused to look at him.

There is no wisdom and no other hope for us but that we grow wise.

"Nam-tor Ozhika kluterek t'sha'sutenivaya - k'ish she-tor etek s'nezhak - isan utvau vah sha'kakhartayek.**"

Change is the essential process of all existence. Meet me outside. He stood and left.

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

From her elevated perch Kalina watched as Garron guided T'Rae through her own mind. A guardian could protect from more than just the physical after all. Their Bond had lost her balance, the balance that Garron embodied. And though the familiar fed off her emotions more than he would like to admit to, he was still the embodiment of her logic and reasoning.

Right now T'Rae was feeling twice the emotion than she was used to. Yes, Geoffrey was better at keeping it to himself than most humans, but he didn't have near her training or thousands of years of tradition to pull from. He was only human.

He talks peace if it is the only way to live.

She could feel the center of her Bonded coming back into balance. When he set his mind to something Garron was efficient, calm, quick in his work. Kalina would safeguard the Vulcan's heart, and she trusted Garron would safeguard the Vulcan's mind.

Geoffrey was a part of their equation now, there was no way to change that. But that didn't mean they had to give up everything for it. Balance can be achieved only if one is willing to work for it after all.

They would all have to work for it. It was the sacrifice they made for their Bonded.

And if that was all she asked from them, then Kalina knew they would be more than willing to give.

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing

The wind sighed past the trio as they sat on the upper balcony of the treehouse. The sun was reaching for the ground, showing them a dark silhouette of the weyrd. It was not an oppressive sigh this time. But instead an accepting one. Accepting the changes that passed between them. Accepting the work that lied before them.

Garron still didn't approve.

Kalina approved probably too much.

They agreed that Geoffrey was a bad influence on their Bonded. And that T'Rae would be leaning on them more until she could hold herself up on her own two feet.

They agreed T'Rae had not made the best choice in her life in Geoffrey. But there was nothing they could do about it now. The Vulcan's fate was sealed, and whatever future was coming was going to come whether they faced it together or stood divided.

It was in all their best interests to stand together.

T'Rae strove for an ever-elusive perfect balance. And no matter what the rest of them thought she would work for it always. It was an illogical devotion, a destructive one at times. A replacement for her ambition, for her bloodlust, for her nightmares, for her obsessions, for her devotion to scientific progress.

Thirty years of teaching and careful self control had kept the beast asleep. Now Geoffrey Rand had awakened a monster he didn't know existed

Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Now it was their job to keep the beast caged. To hold out against the nightmares. To keep their Vulcan in balance.

It was not an easy job, but it was a job they were willing to fulfill. She had given up her career for them, the career she had devoted her entire life too, they could do this for her.

And T'Rae would live. She would continue trying to find balance. It was all she knew how to do anymore.

I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms.
Heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms.

Ma etek natyan teretuhr lau etek shetau weh-lo'uk do tom t'on.***

---

* Wide experience increases wisom, provided the experience is not sought purely for the stimulation of sensation.
** Logic is the cement of our civilization with which we ascend from chaos, using reason as our guide.
*** We have differences. May we, together, become greater than the sum of both of us.

[T'Rae]

OOC: 2544 words

[Hardest of Hearts Link]

Covering the time between the date set up in Getting To Know You and the much anticipated date set up there-in. Zombies also occurs during this time span. T'Rae's continued conflict between Logic and Emotion after her balance is upset by Geoffrey.

---

Days had gone by in whirls of emotion since that day. Since moment zero, since that first connection between minds. She had lost track of time and, for awhile there, lost track of herself. It was overwhelming at times, feeling him hurt. But she didn't know how to act, what to do, what to say. She wanted to go to him but she was in no better state herself. For several days she struggled to get herself under control, she wouldn't have managed without her shinies. For a time they were the only thing holding her together.

There is love in your body but you can't hold it in
It pours from your eyes and spills from your skin

[continue]

[T'Rae]

OOC: 2292 words

[My Best Dress Link]

T'Rae suffers from chronic nightmares. After Geoffrey's infection during the Zombie Apocalypse she returns home and is haunted by dreams of his funeral. Takes place between Zombies and Much Anticipated.

---

She wore a red dress.

The halter straps showed off the scars along her shoulders and down her back. All but the first one. She could feel where the straps pressed against her neck, hiding the semi-circle from view. That scar was hers, and hers alone. Precious. Precious as he had been.

When your life is over
I won't be sad or blue

She must have looked the worse for wear because beside her Gatsby reached over and squeezed her upper arm. Or perhaps he was in need of comfort. He didn't seem quite so put together today, or perhaps that had been his goal. He had been crying, she could see the evidence on his face.

At least someone would shed tears for him. She tried to cry, she couldn't find the tears within her. Slowly she reached over and squeezed his arm in return.

I'll put on my fancy hat
And lie down next to you

It was a brief, small enough funeral. Key members of the weyrd had come, of course, some of which she was sure he would be less than pleased about. Maeko, she noted, was present. She thought about talking to the vampire, though in the end she opted not to. It certainly wouldn't have pleased him at all and she had no doubt it was far too late for that now anyway. Glancing around at the people dressed in dark clothes in the hard folding chairs she nodded once to herself. At least he would get a proper funeral, a body to bury, she had seen to that.

I'll kiss you once for love
I'll kiss you twice for death
I'll hold you close for comfort
Wearing my best dress

When she leaned over the coffin for a final farewell it struck her how calm he looked, body gone limp as it had. It didn't seem right. Her hand reached down and traced over the still ice cold optic, trailing down to his arm where the chill leaked through the labcoat. Just this once she and Gatsby had agreed it would be wrong to change him, let alone that either of them could bring themselves to do it. She forced a sigh as she brought her hand back to the twin mark on his neck, the memories bubbling back to the surface. She watched them as an impassioned observer as she leaned down to kiss him farewell. "Rom-halan, aitlun t'nash-veh.*"

You look so angry
When you sleep
Your face a troubled frown

When the coffin was lowered into the ground she stayed to watch as the grave was filled in. She had watched her desire die. She would watch him buried. Gatsby stayed with her for a little bit as everyone else departed.

"He's gone." There werewolf's voice was strained and raw. She reached over and wrapped an arm around his waist, he didn't pull away. She didn't think he had the strength.

So I will smooth your furrowed brow
As I lay you in the ground.

"Yes." She stared down at the raw dirt covering the coffin below. Gatsby whimpered, his head falling against her shoulder, she could feel the warm tears dropping against her skin. Someone would cry for him.

"It hurts." Ever like him to state the obvious. She brought her hand up from his waist to squeeze his shoulder in some attempt at comforting. She didn't know what else she could possible do to help him. She didn't even know what to do with herself. "How can you not hurt?" He seemed almost insulted now.

I'll kiss you once for life
I'll kiss you twice for death
I'll hold you close for comfort
Wearing my best dress

"I died with him." She whispered, a cold fact offered to the night air, "There's nothing left in me that could feel pain." Only a raw loss in the back of her mind. A hole in her head where she knew something should be, but it was gone forever, letting the rest of her mind leak out in an awful, numb slush.

And as the mourners pass me
I will smile and wave
Thank them for their sympathy
And tell them I'll be brave

The Wake was even smaller, several people offered herself and Gatsby their condolences. Mostly she stuck with the werewolf, later she wouldn't even remember who was there. Her husband was dead, there was nothing they could say. Gatsby offered her to dance, she let him take her. It gave her body something to do while her mind was blank and cold. It seemed to make him feel better, at least it did something for one of them.

And once the wake is over
And I'm drunk and feeling fine
I'll go out there and find me
Another boy to pass the time

She slept with him. An attempt to find some remnant of him left behind, some remnant of her desire. It was meaningless. She found nothing and she was fairly certain it only made Gatsby feel worse. She repeated the encounter anyway. Eventually the werewolf pulled away from her, threw her out of his house. She let him go, she didn't care. She retreated back into her house for the first time in days. Though the occupancy had increased it seemed colder and emptier than it ever had. She had taken in the less intelligent of his shinies, someone needed to care for them after all. The more intelligent ones would do as they pleased, she still saw some of them from time to time. She assumed it to be mostly because they did not know what to do with themselves.

Odrath was gone. She could still hear the dragons cry in her sleep at night. It was that keen that broke her focus when she tried to save his katra. A pity she hadn't been able to. He knew so much, and now all of it was lost. All she had were the notes and words and drawings recovered from his study. Naturally she had taken them, who else would? Who else would have the interest in them?

They were some fragment left of his vision. They were in a careful stack in the shuttlecraft, she didn't have it in her to hang them up yet.

And as we're dancing cheek to cheek
And the lights are laying low
I'll request this song for you
Laying in the ground below

She started drinking. Daiquiris mostly, easy to make and full of sugar. It didn't really change anything. She thought maybe it would awaken the rage she was familiar with when she drank. It didn't. All it did was slur her mind a bit, she still felt as numb ever. When he died it seemed he took her emotions with him. Her mind was dead, scarred and abused and broken. She knew it wouldn't heal. She had thought about undergoing the kolinahr but she had never gone through with it. It seemed Geoffrey had forced her hand in that regard. Perhaps this time she would have gone through with it if it hadn't been done for her. She had felt Gatsby's unimaginable pain when they were in contact. She couldn't imagine undergoing that herself. Geoffrey had put her through enough emotional turmoil during the course of their relationship. She had loved every minute of it, of course, but without him there to feed and control the desire burning within her and give it direction it would eat her alive. Mind and flesh and katra would burn away and leave her ravaged and empty anyway. Perhaps she would rather be numbed. She would never know without the choice presented to her.

Pretty Lady miss Santa?

T'Rae sighed into her drink, it was all the answer he needed.

So does Blitz. The Animula snuggled down in her lap. She was surprised that it was comforting. She was surprised that she felt anything. She stroked the pyokit in her lap, running her fingers across his soft and warm fur. From that moment Blitzen rarely left her. They drew comfort from each other, support and structure in their memories.

Once the song is over
And it's time to go to bed
I'll leave him on the dance floor
And return to you instead

It was nearly a month before she made it back to the grave site. The tombstone was simple and un extravagant like the rest of the things in his life had been. His name carved simply into the granite, Geoffrey Rand A-13. Simple words could never contain everything he had been. With Blitzen as her only company she sat in front of the gravestone, staring empty at the granite. The normally mischievous pyokit was shaking in her lap.

It was strange to sit in complete silence. She missed the song that was once always playing in the back of her mind. She could still hear the rest of the weyrd if she so chose. She didn't want to. There was no song she wanted to hear as much as his. No song could ever sound as perfect to her. The sound of his voice. The sound of his breathing. The sound of his heartbeat. The hum of electricity and the soft swish of his writing. All things she would never hear again.

After a few hours, when the sun was starting to set and the pyokit in her lap had cried himself to sleep, she couldn't take the silence anymore. Scooping her companion in her arms as gently as she could to not disturb him she stood, the red skirt swishing about her knees.

I'll kiss you once for life
I'll kiss you twice for death

It only now occurred to her that she hadn't changed. It didn't seem important. She leaned over and kissed the headstone, ice cold against her lips. A shock of emotion woke within her, clenching her free hand into a tight fist.

"You sadistic bastard." Her voice wavered, "How could you leave me like this? Why did you die?" For the first time in the month since he had died, tears welled against her eyelids, blurring her vision. "Do you have any idea what you've done to me? What you've done to Gatsby?" Her shaking knees gave out beneath her and she collapsed into the dirt covering his grave, resting her head against the cold stone. "You died and took me with you. Why couldn't I save you? Why wouldn't you let me? Why wouldn't Odrath let me save your katra at least? Something, anything." Her fist struck the sharp edge of the tombstone, breaking open her skin and spilling copper blood down the letters engraved there. Her whole body was shaking as she struggled to find the emotional strength to keep crying. "I never could find balance with you. Turns out I can't find balance without you either." A sharp, bitter laugh broke the night and prompted Blitz to her shoulder, pressing his small furry head to her wet cheeks. Now that she had started she couldn't stop herself.

"You said I would find it. If I tried. If I stayed. I would know. I would understand. And then you went and died and left me without, taking everything with you." The tears had already faded, whatever small part of her that hadn't died with him already exhausted by the effort it took to feel anything. "You filthy, rotten liar." She didn't mean the words even as she said them. She didn't mean any of her words. Words meant nothing without feeling after all. She had no feeling left.

"I want to hate you, you know. You can't hate without love, and my love went into the grave with you. Everything did. You died and you killed Odrath and you killed me. All the parts that mattered. All the parts of me that wanted to live." It was a slow process, speaking to an unresponsive grave. But over the night it all came out. All the reasons she wanted to hate him, all the reasons she couldn't. By the time she was done talking her voice was raw and hoarse and the sun was rising. She had been here since mid-afternoon the day before, but she couldn't think about anywhere else she wanted to be. She belonged here. She belonged with him. With her face pressed to the ice cold stone and the warm Blitzen silent on her shoulder.

"I hope your god gives you the peace I never could." She kissed the cold and unresponsive stone again, though she knew it meant nothing to the corpse below. "You should know this isn't the peace I wanted. But I don't care anymore. You took that from me." On shaking legs she stood, and with a heavy, hollow, meaningless sigh she fell backwards into oblivion.

Hold you close for comfort
Wearing my best dress.

---

Cold sweat and hot tears and raw panic drove her from her bed, stumbling to the cold floor with blankets still wrapped about her arms and legs. She reached for the nightstand to pull herself up, knocking the tricorder and communicator stationed there onto the ground. The sound of their collision made her jump, stumbling sideways as she scrambled for the labcoat hanging on the back of her door. She pressed the white fabric to her face, inhaling deeply of the scent that lingered there. The silence of an empty house echoed around here, harsh and terrifying.

Horror and fear pulsed through her veins and echoed in her mind a she cast out, looking for something, anything.

Please, please, please. The word echoed around and around her mind until she brushed against his consciousness. Not so strong as when he held her in his arms, it had been so many days since she had seen him, but it was enough to bring the comforting song to the forefront of her mind. Leaning against the door she sank down in relief, still clutching the coat tightly in her fingers. He was still there. He was still alive. Alive. His heart beat and his mind ran and his body moved and he was alive.

Though tears still streamed down her face and the adrenaline was still pulled through her veins by her racing heart, she sighed in relief. He was still alive, he was still here, and she could still feel.

She feared going back to sleep, and for good reason. A dream that vivid and driving would only come back to haunt her. She would prove to be right later when she pushed her body to exhaustion and sleep became unavoidable. But for now she pulled herself back into the bed, holding the labcoat like it was the only thread holding her to life, and she listened. She listened to the song in the back of her mind until the sun rose and she pulled herself from her bed into her unproductive day. Fearing going to sleep, knowing what would haunt her when she did.

---

* Farewell, my desire.

[T'Rae]

OOC: 3290 words

[Rabbit Heart]

Taking place during The Fog of Dreams dragon bonding.

Under the realization that the Bond holding them isn't strong enough T'Rae and Ruvaiath opt to go their separate ways.

---

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades

When the klaxxon sounded T'Rae recognized the sound. Standing on the balcony staring into the distance where the sound originated. She remembered what it was like the first time she had stood on the sands, she had no doubt that day had been a catalyst in the progression of her changing mental abilities. She remembered being driven to her knees in the sand, the sensation of the bonds forming around her. It was the first time she had truly noticed something was amiss.

Ruvaiath had helped her back to her feet, steadied her mind without question. She wondered what it would be like now, to stand on those sands and hear the Bonds fall into place around her. She did not know how Dragons bonded, but she knew her mind had felt more complete with Ruvaiath. She knew it was an intense sound between Dragon and Rider. She wondered if she would be able to handle it.

You're really considering it? It was not a voice the vulcan heard often that crept up behind her, You're more the killer than I thought. There was some amount of glee in the voice. T'Rae turned, her suspicions confirmed by the lavender flamma standing behind her. She glanced for the shadows for the one Rishan was inseparable from. Sure enough, the dark shadow solidified by the pale purple light of the deer.

T'Rae gazed at the pair of them evenly, "And to what do I owe this rare sighting?" There was no sarcasm in the words, only genuine curiosity. She had been pulled from her thoughts by one who rarely sought her out, she knew this was no simple social visit.

Rishan barked a sharp laugh to the night, but before she could speak Reah nudged her shoulder, Peace Rishan. It was begrudgingly Reah had actually come to care for her bonded beyond simply the things she had to teach, but care she did, You know as well as I where her mind has been. Rishan rolled her eyes at the words, she did not understand why Reah was so attached to the woman who lived in blasphemy and grew darker each day.

She's darkened.Rishan countered sharply, They've both darkened.

T'Rae watched the exchange impassioned. She knew she was being spoken of, what concerned her was who else was being spoken of and why she was being called a killer. Vulcans did not kill, and she could think of no murders she had committed, nor deaths that could be attributed to her hands.

That is not your concern, it is their's. Reah was oddly peaceable this evening it seemed. She usually made little effort to restrain her Spina compatriot in whatever idea the Flamma got in her head. She was usually a part of the action.

Look at her, she doesn't even know. Our Lady would be displeased were she allowed to continue. We should save her now while we can. It was obvious from the bringer of death's tone that whatever saving she had in mind was not going to be a pleasant experience for the vulcan.

Then perhaps telling her would be more productive. There is no wisdom and no other hope for us but that we grow wise. Reah maintained her normal composure in the face of the flamma's dark and painful remarks.

Rishan snorted, turning away from the shadowguard and making for the stairs, You're slipping Reaper. And with that the pale lavender and yellow light was gone.

"I would like to know." T'Rae looked down at the shadow with raised eyebrows, she knew whatever it was must be important if Rishan would walk away about it. Reah shook her head.

You haven't noticed? She hasn't been with you, she hasn't said anything. Do you know why?

T'Rae still couldn't place who they were talking about, but she shook her head. Reah told her nothing inconsequentially.

You changed. She was there when you came out of your meditation. You hurt her. The words were dark, and accompanied by flashes of green blood on green hide, the sharp edge of silver stuck her in neck as she cried out in pain and fear. T'Rae's hand shot to the pendant at her neck, recognizing the shape. In her madness she had hurt her precious Ruvaiath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" When the pendant had been returned to her it had been cleaned of any indication of the incident. And of course T'Rae knew why, Ruvaiath wouldn't want her to know what had happened, the gentle emerald would have begged their silence on the matter. Scrambling T'Rae descended the balcony, cutting back through her room and down the stairs, out the front door and into the yard.

I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take?

Mentally the woman called out to her dragon, the wordless response she received was half-hearted and hollow. Now that it was pointed out to her she realized how empty her brief communications with Ruvaiath lately had been. The Emerald had hidden it well that her rider hadn’t been aware of how detached she had become. T’Rae watched with concern as slowly the half-grown dragon creeped from the shadows ringing the clearing to stand a distance from her rider. Dull blue eyes whirled slowly as Ruvaiath raised her head to look at her Vulcan bond.

T’Rae could see in her hunched posture, nervous wings, and arched neck that Ruvaiath was nervous. Slowly, easily, T’Rae crossed the space between them, holding her hand out to Ruvaiath as a sign of peace.

«Who are you? » Ruvaiath pulled her head away from the offered hand, pulling her wings in tighter. T’Rae pulled her hand back to her chest, hurt and confused by the way Ruvaiath had responded. She knew she shouldn’t be, she had created this distance between them and she had hurt Ruvaiath to cause her to act like this, to avoid her bonded.

“I am still T’Rae.” Even as she spoke Ruvaiath was shaking her head in disagreement.

You made a deal, and now it seems you have to offer up
But will it ever be enough?
It's not enough

«Raemine cared about people. She watched them and she helped them, she cared about their wellbeing. » Ruvaiath lashed her tail in a rare display of frustration. Ruvaiath was not the kind to let on just how deeply thing affected her, she kept to herself and she focused on the feelings and troubles of others. Ruvaiath was the most unselfish being T’Rae had ever met, and to have the dragon turn against her made her realize how much things had changed.

She cared about people, in so much as people interacted with each other and she could observe and catalogue and come to understand the relationships between them. She watched to expand her information about people and understand what drove and motivated them, and how that would ultimately grow outwards to affect the society around them. People as individuals didn’t concern her so much.

Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I've made the final sacrifice

“Ruvaiath…” The name seemed unusually awkward to her, furrowed brows and crooked mouth as she looked down at the lowered head of the gentle and timid emerald. She could see in the shifting eyes that Ruvaiath was nervous, concerned, unsure, and beyond that even hurt and confused. For a moment T’Rae couldn’t help but wish other creatures had some similar display of emotions in a simple chromatic spectrum. It would make certain things about her job far easier.

It didn’t change the fact that she had no idea what to say.

Habit dropped her into easy attention as she contemplated what it was Ruvaiath was telling her. The memory of their Bonding was strong in her mind, on her knees in the hot sand unable to think. Ruvaiath had come to her, last of the clutch, and soothed the pain in her mind. It was the first time she had started to feel the bonds of not only herself but of others. Before that time they had been merely disorienting, a moment of loss and confusion, but the dragons bonding it had been so strongly overwhelming that it felt as though her mind were on fire.

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

Ruvaiath had saved her from that and she hadn’t understood then, nor did she understand now, why. Like all bonds she assumed Ruvaiath had seen something that connected to her and acted on it, T’Rae was far too out of it at the time to really put the kind of thought into it that she should have. She was beginning to think something had gone wrong, especially seeing and feeling the interactions between Geoffrey and Odrath.

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

As her mind turned to the sapphire and his rider the purple in sweet Ruvaiath’s eyes flared into a vibrant orange. A touchy subject to the dragon it seemed. T’Rae shifted uncomfortably, and then sighed and dropped her hands to her sides, moving across the grass to stand in front of the dragon. She didn’t have any words to share as some explanation the emerald seemed to deserve, but she could try to reach out and give her the comfort the dragon had given her that day. She rested a hand on the soft hide of the dragon’s nose and gave her a gentle smile that didn’t quite reach to her eyes.

Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

Ruvaiath flinched away from the Vulcan’s touch, her mind flashing back to her Bonded, peaceful and silent as she had been for so long in the quiet garden. Snapping suddenly awake and wild, the mad scramble as T’Rae threw herself to the jungle and Ruvaiath tried to stop her, tried to pull her back. She couldn’t hear anything coherent from her bonded, couldn’t get through to the alien mind and try to hold her down and pull her back. Savage and confused T’Rae had fought back against the dragon’s attempts to comfort her, and in the process had pulled the symbol from around her neck and used it to lash out. Pain flashed through her mind as her attention turned to the wound on her neck.

Burning yellow fear and vivid orange danger as the growing dragon was trapped by the trees and had to watch her bonded escape into the wild, unable to continue the chase. Blood incredibly familiar to the Vulcan dripping slow down the warm green hide as the dragon was forced to retreat back to the treehouse. Green feathers brushed emerald hide as Kalina tried to comfort the confused and betrayed dragon, reassuring her T’Rae would be fine and that she would go make sure their bonded was okay.

I look around, but I can't find you
If only I could see your face

But Ruvaiath wasn't okay. This wasn't the woman she had bonded to. This wild, off-center, disconnected woman was not her rider. What did a dragon do when she was bonded to someone who wasn't her rider? So Ruvaiath had pulled back and remained in her isolation even after T'Rae had returned to the Treehouse and struggled to find herself again. More than the others Ruvaiath knew she wouldn't. She couldn't tell you how or why she knew, it was a dragon's instinct. T'Rae was opening doors that the emerald hadn't seen the day the bond had forged between them. Ruvaiath knew now she couldn't help T'Rae. Young and concerned and knowing the woman was in pain and needed comfort Ruvaiath had bonded her, had made T'Rae her rider. She was seeing now that wasn't what T'Rae needed.

Instead of rushing towards the skyline
I wish that I could just be brave

The emerald didn't know what her rider needed, but she knew she couldn't give it. T'Rae didn't know what Ruvaiath needed, but she knew she couldn't give it. What had happened that day on the sands had been just the start of the Vulcan's downward spiral, and young naive Ruvaiath had thought she was there in time to save the woman from destruction. There was nothing that could save T'Rae from her destruction though. In the silent night they were both beginning to realize this.

For long moments silence passed between them. Oranges and purples fading to greys as the broken pair met eyes in the clean moonlight. Ruvaiath knew. T'Rae didn't understand but Ruvaiath knew. In this knowing she pulled away from the woman that would always be her rider, the woman that shared her blood and mind. T'Rae didn't try to stop her, the Vulcan didn't pretend to understand what was going on in the dragon's mind, she never quite had from the start. She simply had to trust Ruvaiath knew what she was doing.

I must become a lion hearted girl
Ready for a fight
Before I make the final sacrifice

Though it was unspoken between them they both knew what Ruvaiath was doing. The emerald was leaving. For where or what neither of them knew, but they both knew staying here was only making things harder. T'Rae didn't know what to do for the emerald, how to take care of her. Ruvaiath was a dragon, she couldn't stay with someone that wasn't her rider. The dynamic between them was broken, they were both seeing that here and now.

So when Ruvaiath slowly pulled away from her riders hand T'Rae didn't try to stop her. When the emerald spread her wings the vulcan could do nothing but watch, standing at stiff attention. A sign of respect for the dragon's choices. "I do care." She whispered as a powerful gust launched the emerald unsteadily into the air. "Take care of yourself." She may be unable to take care of the Emerald but perhaps someone could, perhaps she could find some way to be happy. Ruvaiath was her bonded after all, and T'Rae did care if she was happy. But she knew that happiness could not be found here, and especially not after what happened.

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

So dark eyes watched as the emerald's unsteady, untrained wingbeats carried her up, silhouetted against the moon, and off over the trees towards the cliffs and mountains beyond. She had no idea what Ruvaiath was going to do, but the decisions were beyond her now. She would not take away the dragon's right to choose her life for herself. And a rudimentary knowledge of dragons meant T'Rae had no idea what happened when Ruvaiath disappeared over the trees.

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

She stood watching silently, wrists gripped at attention, for several long moments and then-

Pain.

A sharp knife severing her mind forced the Vulcan to her knees. Forced her down just like the feeling of bonds being formed had forced her to the sand previously. Only this was different, this was an empty pain of loss, a the slow cut of a dull knife through tough skin. The last, tiny threads carrying a weak and simple message.

«Take care. »

Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

T'Rae struggled to breath, fists clenching the grass as the throbbing in her mind swelled with the last final snap, the lash of elastic as the hole in her consciousness that had held on to Ruvaiath's snapped back into place, her eyes squeezed shut against the normally bright light of the moon. T'Rae didn't understand how or why or what, she knew only one thing.

Ruvaiath was gone. The link was broken and T'Rae knew, though she could not explain, that Ruvaiath was dead. Ruvaiath, the sweet and gentle Ruvaiath, the exquisite beauty even at her young and awkward age, the kind thrall to the needs of others. Emerald Ruvaiath was dead. Dead rather than live a life of lies and betrayals. T'Rae did not understand why the dragon had felt this. Nothing had changed in her but the drop of a mask she had thought was understood. But it was Ruvaiath's choice. And though the migraine was throbbing in her mind she knew it was only a fraction of what the gentle dragon had paid.

Take care. Even in her last moments the dragon had cared only for T'Rae's happiness. Slow tears leaked down her face as she fell onto her side in the grass. For several hours she lay there holding onto the last of Ruvaiath's sadness and pain and loss, and crying tears the dragon had never been able to shed. Because it simply hadn't been within the emerald's bleeding heart to be able to shed any tears for herself. It was up to T'Rae to shed them for her. And so for some time she did until the night air had dried her face and her motherly kyae brought her up to bed.

Raise it up, raise it up
Raise it up, raise it up

T'Rae was only alone for a moment before Reah had crawled up beside her, the shadowguard laying close to her vulcan bond for comfort. T'Rae put an arm around the shadow and held her tight, burying her face in the Reaper's fur.

There is no offense where none is taken. Reah whispered quietly after some time, nosing the top of her bonded's head gently, unsure what else she could do to comfort the scar forming in T'Rae's mind. She was the bringer of death, she was not the one that stayed around after the fact to deal with the consequences. She needed to make this choice, T'Rae. This wasn't right for either of you.

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind

She was silent and moving as Reah spoke, moving the words through her mind and mulling over the meanings. "Wide experience increases wisdom." The words were stuck in her raw throat at first, but she did open her black eyes to look into Reah's grey ones.

Then learn from this. Do not make the mistake again. The shadowguard returned softly, laying her head beside her bond and settling in for the night, part as comfort and part for fear of leaving her bond alone. It was Reah after all who had guided T'Rae to the sands that day, Reah that had watched her Bond the emerald, Reah that T'Rae trusted to know these things. She could not help but feel that on some level it was her fault that her bond was dealing with this pain. But she knew Ruvaiath had only been clinging to life for fear of harming her bond, it was time that the her grip be released before the pain could grow too much for both of them.

The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

T'Rae would live. And T'Rae would learn. Not right now, it didn't seem to sink in to the Vulcan the mistake she had made and the great loss at Ruvaiath's death. The bond between them had been weak, tenuous at best, but it was something of a surprise to all of them just how weak it was. The next morning T'Rae would get up, she would have her breakfast, and she would place a single mossy rock in her meditation garden, the date carved into the surface of the stone with her own careful hands. And T'Rae would meditate.

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

It wasn't right, she would realize, to ask Ruvaiath to live in this pain just so T'Rae didn't have to suffer the migraine the breaking bond had left her with. This was the only way that they could take care of themselves. The one option, Ruvaiath had taken it and T'Rae knew she had made the right choice. It was her choice to make.

And with this conclusion T'Rae would stand and do the one thing Ruvaiath had wanted her to do. She would take care, take care of herself and take care of the bonds that still needed and relied on her. It was her way to honor Ruvaiath's memory that she do the one thing emerald had ever asked of her.

Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

But for right now, for tonight, T'Rae would bury her face in her Reaper's fur and she would dream of soft emerald hide, fearful whirling eyes, and copper blood on her hands. She would dream of fear and pain as she relived the dragons last moments.

Untrained, unskilled, Ruvaiath wasn't able to fly properly. Irregular wing beats carrying her to cliffs before she faltered, she fell for the tree tops she knew would ensnare her and shred her feeble wings, unable to steady herself, fear had driven her between. Directionless, hurt, and lost she had never emerged.

This is a gift.

[T'Rae]

OOC: 2028 words

[Cosmic Love]

Dealing with the realization of Geoffrey and Gatsby's relationship T'Rae panics when she catches glimpses of what she assumes are a nightmare. A panic increased when she arrives at Geoffrey's and realizes she has been locked out.

---

While seeing him again put some of her worry at ease it never truly went away, she never truly got comfortable with it. She just got better at hiding it was all, better at forcing herself to be alright with the way things were. As much as it felt like being lost she kept trying to find something she thought was right in the midst of it all. She assumed that over time it would get better but right now it was hard to believe in that, sometimes it was hard to convince herself that she wasn't trapped. This was her choice, what she wanted. Mostly she just forced herself to act normal, going through each day as though nothing had changed and nothing was weighing on her mind. They all realized that this wasn't true, that T'Rae was having a problem finding the right rhythm in her life again. She wouldn't get out of bed like normal, or they found her staring off, and she spent far more time devoted to her meditation than she normally did and didn't seem nearly as peaceful after the fact.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

[continue]

[T'Rae]

OOC: 3164 Words

[What The Water Gave Me Link]

Some time after I Will Follow You Into The Dark, T'Rae copes with Gatsby's death in her own way.

---

The Vulcan was tired, she was tired and lonely and her thoughts were weighing too much on her head. She didn’t think that there was anywhere she could go that could offer her any kind of relief at this point, but Geoffrey was the only place that she could go to get some kind of comfort. It wasn’t even comfort so much as it was safety, despite all the difficulty and tension for everything that had happened, but she didn’t know where else to go. She needed to be somewhere, be with someone, and Geoffrey was the only person she felt like she could actually be honest in front of. At the moment that was all she wanted, she just wanted to drop all the complexities of her job and her culture and all those kinds of expectations that she had to live up to. Geoffrey was the only person she could do that in front of.

So that was where she was going, she was going to find him and relax and recharge and get some actual sleep so she could actually deal with everything she needed to deal with. It was the closest thing she had managed to achieve to a proper meditation anymore, just trying to get some sleep. Between the noise in her head that quickly got overwhelming and impossible to deal with in the silence of her senses, and the distraction of Geoffrey’s mind and all of her household. Even if she could achieve a proper meditative state she had no proper direction, there was just so much to be dealt with that she never knew where to start or how to cope with it all. So instead of trying she was weak, she ran away, she found someone and somewhere else to dump it all on.

Time it took us
To where the water was
That’s what the water gave me

Really what other choice did she have though? If she didn’t have any kind of outlet then she would have broken down and given up long before now. Sure it wasn’t much but he tried, he did his best, she didn’t expect any more from him than that. He allowed her somewhere to be that wasn’t nearly as hard to face as the outside world. He wasn’t Johnny, oh how she missed Johnny, but he at least gave her a distraction, gave her some kind of relief.

At least in the ways that mattered. In many other ways it was harder to deal with, harder to find a way to cope when her way to cope was the person causing the problems. How could she begin to find answers for him when she had nowhere else to go to try and find answers. It was an impossible situation that she had found herself in to begin with, and with each passing day it only got more impossible.

T’Rae wasn't sure at what point that she had changed direction, but when she came out of the trees she wasn’t looking up at the warm and inviting lights of her T’hy’la’s house. T’Rae was staring out at the cold and bitter water of the ocean. Without direction the Vulcan stumbled out towards the water and fell back hard in the sand, drawing her knees up to her and just watching the waves, using the white noise to blank her thoughts. What drew him here? What did he see out in those waves? What had driven him out into the water? She held the memories in her head, reliving it as she sat here on the shore, but she didn’t believe a word of it. Lies, all of it, and worse lies that Geoffrey believed.

And time goes quicker
Between the two of us
Oh, my love, don’t forsake me
Take what the water gave me

It’s a pity. Sand crunched beneath hooves and T’Rae groaned inwardly, she didn’t want to deal with this. T’Rae never expected to have a tight relationship with the Spina but it seemed more and more that the only time she ever saw the Flamma was when something was going horribly wrong. “What is?” She rasped, relieved as the pain of her tongue eased even though she hadn’t realized she had been biting it. The sooner they got this over with, the sooner that she could go back to wallowing in her own thoughts. That you can’t see through your own impurities for Her light. The lavender Spina came to a stop and cocked her head at the Vulcan, and from the way she was looking at her T’Rae would have almost thought it was sincere.

The weak die so the strong can survive. Inky black shadows gave way to smoky grey fur as the Shadowguard rose up on the woman’s other side, the shadow never far from the light. That is how the world works. Though the words themselves were harsh the tone was not, it was not warm by any means either, but T’Rae knew that that at least it wasn't malicious. It was just the way things were, just the way that Reah had always been, T'Rae was getting sick of the way things were.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones

“If that were the case it would be my bloated corpse washed up on some shore.” She’d had half a mind to look for it but the idea of actually finding it sickened her to much that she had never actually done so. For a long time silence stretched between the trio, T’Rae trapped between two forces of Death and the waves crashing at her feet, she had never felt smaller. Why Rishan opted for the silence T’Rae couldn’t say, likely she knew that it weighed on her more than anything that she could actually say, but in the corner of her eye she could see Reah on the verge of saying something. Honestly either of them could say anything and T’Rae wouldn’t care. Her thoughts were heavy, her stomach was sick; she just wanted to be alone with the ocean.

Not that she had any real idea as to why she was out here, but now that she was here there wasn’t anywhere else she wanted to be either. She didn’t want to try and face Geoffrey and she didn’t want to go home to a houseful of bonds concerned about her and the state that she was in. T’Rae didn’t want to face any of it, she wanted to go home, curl up in a warm bed in a temperature controlled and sterile environment, she wanted black space pressing in around her with nothing but the Synapta’s hull to keep her safe, she wanted the strict, simple military hierarchy and the routine duties she had aboard the ship. She wanted life when things were simple and she didn’t have to worry about losing balance and struggling so much with her emotions and the emotions of others. She wanted her mind back.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow

No. Your task is not done. Your strength is steady. Reah said finally, jerking the Vulcan’s attention back out, she had nearly managed to forget that there was anyone with her at all. Her fists clenched and she dropped her head down against her knees and did her best to ignore them again. If she could just pretend that they weren't there for long enough then they would lose interest and go away like she wanted them to. Something about the words wouldn't let her let them go, though. They continued echoing around her head, resonating through the silence where she was trying to keep her thoughts at bay. Inevitably, and predictably for that matter, she couldn't just let it go.

"And what is that?" The words sounded hollow and distant and almost as if she was listening to someone else, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was trapped outside of herself, just watching as she stumbled to her feet and wheeled on the Shadowguard. Some part of her still bent on tearing everything apart wondered if it was because she wanted to escape her own actions. If she was just as much of an observer as anyone else then she couldn't be held responsible. "What f-cking task!? What do you want from me!?" She snapped, inches from the Shadow's face, "Who are you to tell me what is done!?" Everything was shaking, rage and grief and loathing contained just beyond the surface.

And oh, poor Atlas
The world’s a beast of a burden
You’ve been holding on a long time

Reah didn't move, didn't flinch, though in the corner of her vision Rishan was on guard, ready to act if the Vulcan dared get any closer. I am the Reaper. Her grey eyes locked into the fire that burned just beyond the black, reflecting none of the emotion she found there. I am no guardian of life, I know only when it ends. Death holds no claim on you. Now the words turned cold, disappointment clear in their tone, and that was enough to send the Vulcan a few steps back, she couldn't handle any more disappointment, she couldn't face it. The Lady wouldn't want something near as corrupt as you. Rishan added with a subtle roll of her eyes, and that brought back some of the anger in full force. T'Rae turned sharply away from both of them back to the waves, watching herself as she removed her boots, the labcoat, rolled up the edge of her pants, marching with more steadiness than she felt into the surf.

And all this longing
And the ships are left to rust
That’s what the water gave us

Reenacting. Something in her whispered bitterly, and staring out at the blackness with the water dragging eagerly at her ankles she couldn't deny that. There were so many differences though. The two idols of death behind her showed no interest in trying to stop her, offered no words, they knew as well as she did that nothing would come of her show. She couldn't leave him, she couldn't hurt him like that, she shared none of Gatsby's heartlessness when it came to the cyborg. She could stand here all night and Geoffrey would never come. It was only her, the water, and her thoughts for company.

She couldn't stand her thoughts anymore. A person could only take so many questions that they couldn’t answer, so many thoughts that they knew they shouldn't be thinking, so much self-destruction and hatred for the thing they loved most."And why not." It started as a whisper, barely heard over the waves, growing with each further word, "Why does he get to run away!? Why is his cowardice acceptable and mine isn't!?" She spat angrily at the water, at the night, at the two sitting behind her, at people that weren't even there to listen, at herself. "Why do I have to stay and clean up his mess? Why do I have to fix his mistakes?" Every selfish thought that she had been trying to bury and repress bubbling through her mind and forcing their way out of her mouth, and once T'Rae started talking she never was very good at stopping herself. She was so rarely permitted to do so that she found she didn't really want to stop herself.

So lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones

"What's the point? What the f-ck did you think you could achieve in all this?" She was yelling now, screaming as loud as she could, as though he could hear her over the waves and whatever afterlife he found himself in, even if T'Rae didn't believe he would find one at all. She bent down and scooped up the sand beneath her feet, the larger rocks sifting from the tiny pebbles as she pulled the fistful through the water, flinging them one by one back out into the sea. Each dissatisfying splash only fueling her angry tirade, "What gives you the right to hurt him? Who do you think you are that you get to destroy him like this? You didn't love him at all if this is what you do to him, why he thinks you did I'll never f-cking understand!" Fed up she flung the rest of her handful into the waves at once. It didn't help in the least, attacking water was simply pointless and something in her knew that, it didn't even really help to burn the energy that finally sent her pacing up and down the edge of the water, the exhaustion that had been driving her to Geoffrey's door forgotten.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow

Slowly her pacing took her deeper into the ocean, the cold water crawling up to her knees, reaching up her thighs, "You didn't want him, you just didn't want anyone else to have him! You couldn't f-cking stand to see him happy with anyone else. Jokes on you, he's not happy with me!" She didn't even try to stop the bitter laughter, she likely couldn't have even if she wanted to, forced and angry as it turned to a coughing fit that left her doubled over the water, arms wrapped around her middle. Silence finally settled over her as she watched the black water swirling around her legs, staring at it in a combination of contemplation and disbelief, frozen still and empty. The silence didn't last long, she wasn't nearly done yet. "He wasn't lying you ass. He didn't want me, he never wanted me. I was the f-cking mistake you presumptuous son of a bitch!" T'Rae choked on the words, and for the first time the weight of it all really settled on her, standing out here alone, waist deep in the cold water, yelling into the night at a man that couldn't hear her. The sense of just how small and alone she was, how pathetic she must look out here, sent a cold chill through her body that the water couldn't achieve.

Not that it did anything to stop her, no she was too deep now to be able to back up and walk away, she wasn't nearly done enough. "You had such a problem with my existence, but could you even look at me? Even talk to me? You never even made the attempt!" At least she had played civil, she had done her best to be on some kind of tolerable terms with him, for Geoffrey's sake, he'd never made the effort. "Look at me! Look at what you've done!" She demanded angrily, pulling herself back upright to yell into the distance, for a lack of anywhere else to direct herself. Even if she knew this whole outburst was stupid, she had started now and she couldn't stop until she burned herself out. "Living in the shadow of dead man." Her voice dropped again, even and cold and bitter, "And if you're six feet under then where does that leave me?" The question was rhetorical, it had to be since she wasn't even talking to anyone, but T'Rae didn't honestly have an answer to supply for it.

‘Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you
But would you have it any other way?
Would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

"You wanted him for yourself. You didn't deserve him, you couldn't see that you already have him." Always had. It was the only thing that stopped her from severing his head like she should have, like every inch of her had told her to. "Well congratulations, he really is yours now!" Shouting again, pacing again, "You wanted between us, well you've f-cking succeeded! You took every chance of him being happy when you went and martyred yourself. You know what it's like having your own mind so far out of your reach?" Another laugh, though this time it wasn't nearly as strong, "Of course not, you never looked far enough outside of your own damn reflection." Her voice was starting to get hoarse now, from the shouting and changing, from the salt water and air, from the tears that had started down her face at some point.

She was so sick of crying. She had spent more time crying in this past year than she had ever cried in her life. She hadn't even shed tears for Charhael. Now here she was standing in the water crying for a man whose name she couldn't even bring herself to say, crying for a relationship he had taken with him, crying for the T'yh'la he had taken with him. "Well you win. That's what you wanted. You win." Broken and defeated. She wasn't done, though she was to sickened by herself and her words that she couldn't keep paying attention. The Vulcan lost track of what she was saying, though most likely a lot of it was repeated, rephrased, at some point she resorted to throwing rocks again but it still didn't help. Nothing helped. There was nothing that could help but burning the fire and the anger out of her until she was too tired and empty to continue.

‘Cause she’s a cruel mistress
And a bargain must be made
But oh, my love, don’t forget me
I let the water take me

When she did burn herself out and slowly made her way back up the beach Rishan had vanished, Reah still sat in the same spot though. Slowly the Vulcan made her way back up to the Shadowguard and collapsed beside her. "I don't feel strong." She whispered, staring up at the sky where the earliest signs of dawn were starting to show, she'd never meant to be out here this long. She wasn't even sure that it had helped at all but at least the words didn't feel like they were trying to fight their way out of her head anymore. Now she just felt empty and tired.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the over flow
Pockets full of stones

I never said you were. Similarly the Shadow didn't look at her bond, still staring off out into the water rather than the start of daylight, Only that you are not weak. T'Rae didn't try to make sense of it, she had long stopped trying to make any detailed kind of sense out of how Reah decided these things, never entirely shaking the feeling that no matter how long she was with the Shadowguard she would never really understand what went through the Reaper's head. Hooves in the sand and a weight settling beside her alerted her to the Unicorn's presence. Automatically she leaned back against Naolys, absently wondering how long he had stood back there watching her wear herself out in the waves. Absently she wondered if he would go for Geoffrey or simply let her do what she wanted, but the thought never made it into words and Naolys never answered her. Silence had settled over them all as T'Rae drifted in and out of consciousness, one hand settled on Reah's neck and her head leaned against Naolys.

When the sun itself finally started to peak up over the edge the Gold finally spoke up. Let's go home. T'Rae nodded blankly, letting him support her as she got to her feet and settled on his back, "Ashaya is probably worried." The last coherent words to escape her mouth.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow

It was hours before she could actually coax herself to sleep once she got back, the Angel perched on her headboard and the Reaper at her feet. When she did finally slip away it was far from restful, she was haunted by dreams of Toyomok, not an uncommon subject by any means. The difference was that this time she was running, feet sinking into the sand a she tried to disappear into the desert, and at some point in it all the canine chasing her stopped being Toyomok.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow

[T'Rae]

OOC: 3783 words

[Breath of Life]

T'Rae always knew the Synapta had to come back some time, that doesn't mean she was any more prepared for it.

---

When the device chirped T’Rae didn’t think anything about it, half asleep as she was when she reached over and flipped the lid on the thing. It didn’t even really occur to her that it might be something to be concerned about; it was the kind of situation that she had been through a couple of times in her nightmares. Curled up in her bed as she was it was entirely more likely that she was simply asleep and this was the start of another nightmare.

“T’Rae here.” She muttered, pulling the communicator back as she rolled over in her bed, just as happily prepared to go back to sleep and, with any luck, shift into some other nightmare. She didn’t like nightmares related to the Synapta, not only was it a sharp and painful reminder of just how long she had been trapped on this planet, but of the fact that she had no idea what had happened to her friends in the intervening time.

Hey! There’s a voice! The voice on the other end of the line sounded cheerful enough, and even as she was trying to resist the emotions that came with it there was a certain amount of relief that flooded through her at hearing the familiar sound. As much as she might have assumed that this was going to go bad in some way, it was still kind of nice just to hear the sound and pretend, for a second, that it really as okay.

“Why you gotta wake me up Johnny?” She grumbled, mostly good natured, pulling the blankets up over her head, maybe this wasn't a good dream but she could pretend that it was for just a little bit, surely. It had been a while since Johnny had made an appearance in her dreams.

T'Rae it's twelve-thirty in the afternoon, don't tell me you are still in bed. A combination of concerned and incredulous worked its way through the Communicator.

I was looking for a breath of a life
For a little touch of heavenly light
But all the choirs in my head sang no oh oh oh

"What, you leave me on a Planet for four years and expect I'll keep the same schedule?" Thick sarcasm lacing her words as she rolled her eyes, despite the fact that even if this had been a real conversation then he wouldn't have been able to see it. Still worth it.

And a sassy attitude, I like it. A silence as static came through the line, habit, however old it may have been, prompted T'Rae to wait. He would continue. Sorry about that by the way, you know how it is. There was a sense that he wanted to say more, but T'Rae wasn't going to interrogate him on it. So one to beam up or would you like to get dressed first? Chipper enough to give you whiplash.

"What, you're not going to tell me anyone's dead or that I've lost my job?" She questioned, halfway suspicious and deadly serious. Normally this was the part where things would go wrong, and that was entirely the reason that T'Rae hadn't crawled out of bed and gotten dressed while they were talking about it. A faint inkling of suspicion had planted a seed of doubt in her mind, beginning to grow even as Johnny's laughter filtered through the Communicator and filled her ears.

What? You haven't lost your job, you didn't ask to be stranded down there. Poor ol' Da Vinci has to run out of fuel some time. And no one's dead either… well we have a new navigator but that was more of a traumatic experience than a death, we're sure he'll recover in a couple of years, no big deal. T'Rae are still there? T'Rae was, in fact, there, but she wasn't listening to anything that the Andorian floating in orbit was saying. Her focus was down on Planet, reaching out to Naolys, Surak, Kalina, and even Naroth with a sort of hesitation, a sinking feeling in her stomach as each one came back with a confirmation that she was, in fact, awake at the moment. While she wouldn't say that it was dread that filled her, it was certainly not the elation that she had expected as the realization sank in that this wasn't a dream, that she was talking to Johnny and he was offering to beam her up. That, when she said yes, she would be transported back to her ship in seconds, the realization that somewhere above her house the USS Synapta was hovering in orbit around this ridiculous Planet with the full intention of taking her on board.

To get a dream of life again
A little vision of the start and the end
But all the choirs in my head sang, no oh oh oh

She had no idea what she was going to say.

T'Rae?

"Hmm? Yeah just… let me get dressed. I don't trust the PIF, I'll let you know when I'm outside. T'Rae out." Suddenly serious as she pushed the covers out of the way and stretched herself out, reaching for the uniform folded up at the foot of the bed.

The PIF-? But T'Rae was already flicking the communicator closed, in a rush to get dressed and straighten out her hair, how long had it been since she had actually dressed to regulation? She was certainly much slower about it than she had once been, finally stumbling downstairs where her shinies had gathered on the front lawn, or at least a good number of them. She paused there, communicator in hand, watching the way some of them eyed her nervously.

"I'll be back." She murmured quietly, "I have no choice, I have to go up there. A debriefing, a short conversation, I'll be back by this afternoon." She promised, gently stroking Miahzae's neck as the Gryphon nuzzled her side. She wasn’t the only concerned face, but T'Rae knew that putting it off wasn't going to win her any favors. This whole conversation was going to be hard enough without looking incredibly irresponsible to go along with it. With a deep, stabilizing breath, she flicked open the Communicator again. "T'Rae to Synapta, one to beam up. Synapta confirm."

Request received, prepare for boarding.

While it wasn't her favorite method of travel, not by a long shot, T'Rae would take the sensation of atomical deconstruction over the frozen feeling of Between any day. Particularly since there wasn't a whole lot of difference in the amount of time spent travelling. The sharp, chilled, sterilized air of the starship flooded over her not seconds later, both familiar and alien to her as she opened her eyes to see a very different kind of alien watching her over the console with the absolute stupidest grin she had seen in a very long time.

But I needed one more touch
Another taste of heavenly rush
And I believe, I believe it's so oh oh oh

"Wipe that grin off your face you look ridiculous." T'Rae chuckled, stepping down from the transporter and brushing off the labcoat, both attempting to look halfway presentable and realizing that was almost impossible. She'd had the same uniform for four years, even setting aside everything that she'd been through while wearing it, the poor thing wasn't exactly in perfect condition anymore. A fact that she was all the more aware of looking across the console at Johnny in his perfectly clean uniform, though now that she thought about it he was standing unusually still. "Johnny?"

That seemed to snap him out of it just a little bit. "Your hair!" He finally spluttered out, coming around the console and striding closer to get a better look at it. "It's black!" T'Rae sighed, pressing her hand to her temples, five seconds back on the ship and she was already fed up with the andorian.

"Extremely dark blue, and sometimes still a little bioluminescent. Three years and two hundred and eighty days since you last saw me, and that's the first thing you have to say? So much for a silver tongue." She jabbed, reaching forward and poking the andorian in the side. That seemed to snap him out of it, unfortunately, and before the Vulcan woman could react he was scooping her up into a hug. For a second she fought him, but barely for a second, before she gave in and hugged the stupid alien back. It had been entirely too long since she'd seen him, she'd made a lot of friends back on Planet, but not a one of them was her Johnny.

As he finally let go and stepped back he laughed, "You wound me T'Rae, such a sarcastic attitude, what has that planet done to our peaceful Vulcan!" Melodrama galore in his words, though he was struggling to keep a straight face beneath T'Rae's unimpressed glaring and quirked eyebrow. Really she was almost disappointed, acting like a five year old as he was. Of course she might have been just a little bit giddy with the prospect herself but that was for entirely different reasons. Mostly she was sad, seeing him like this, and knowing that he wasn't going to like what she had to say later.

And I needed one more touch
Another taste of divine rush
And I believe, I believe it's so oh oh oh

"Johnny, you have absolutely no idea how much has happened to me." T'Rae laughed, shaking her head, quite frankly she was pretty incredulous about all that had happened to her since she had last seen him. What with dying and being involved in a zombie apocalypse and the engagement. She had no idea how she was even going to begin to explain that to anyone on the ship. Well, she supposed of all people Johnny was as good a place as any to start. "Look Johnny, this can't get back to Caél until I've had a chance to speak with him but… telsu nash-veh." She watched keenly for his reaction, nervously picking at her sleeves as the words sunk through the translator and understanding dawned in his face.

He looked a lot happier than she would have expected him to be, quite frankly. "You what!? Who? How long? And you didn't even let me judge him first I'm wounded." A beat and a sly smirk before he added, "He any good?"

"Johnny!"

"Right he caught your attention he must be."

"Johnny!" T'Rae sighed, throwing up her hands in frustration, "His name is Geoffrey Rand. It's been, two years? Give or take. And if you absolutely must know, yes he is.” She reached up, shifting the collar of her uniform to show the scar on her neck. With a raised eyebrow Johnny leaned in, apparently all this time had taught him nothing about personal space, and traced a finger over the scar appraisingly.

After what felt like an unnecessarily long amount of time, the communications officer let out a long whistle. “No!” He breathed finally, giving her an incredulous look. “You? No way. You’re a prude. I don’t buy it.” He denied, crossing his arms and turning his nose up at the whole situation, as dramatic about his denial as he was about anything else.

“What! It’s no weirder than anything that you’ve ever done. At least I married him first… sort of.” There was all sorts of argument to be made there, and she was sure that Johnny would interrogate her about it later. Much later, like when she had the whole group together and she didn’t have to explain it six times to all of them.

“Well yeah but I’m, you kn-“

Lieutenant Wehshran, have we heard any word back from T’Rae yet? A stern, older voice came over the intercom, and Johnny gave her a sort of sheepish look, shifting uncomfortably. Right, the Captain would be waiting, of course, to hear from her. With a wave Johnny darted to the intercom by the wall, flicking the switch. “Yes sir, just finishing decontamination, should I send her with a security detail?” He questioned, all the laughter put away as he spoke to the Captain.

No, I’m sure she can still find her way to my office.

“Yes sir, she’s on her way.” A click as the channel was closed again, “Go on, we have to talk about this later though. I better get to meet him.”

Whose side am I on? Whose side am I?
Whose side am I on? Whose side am I?

“And plenty others, if this goes as planned. Wish me luck.” She waved after Johnny, hurrying through the door as the hydraulics hissed, settling into the familiar route as her boots clicked against the metal floors, so very different from sand and wood and dirt. Everything about this situation was extremely familiar, old habits bringing to the surface as she headed for the turbo lift, the cold and sterile air held none of the usual humidity or scents of foliage and ocean that she had grown used to. It felt unusually impersonal and yet, at the same time, invigorating. It was back on her starship, back on ground that was predictable and familiar, despite how long it had been it was surprising to her just how easy it was to follow into the same old stride and comfort level that she had been four years earlier. Simple greetings and sharp nods to crew members that seemed shocked and surprised to see her walking these halls again, confident and relaxed being back in the same place she had considered home for a large portion of her life.

It was refreshing and exhilarating in many ways to be back somewhere familiar and predictable and very much not Planet. There was one great problem with it though, as she entered the turbo lift and stated her destination, as the mechanical hum of the machine carried her through the bowels of the ship to the crewman's quarters. It was quiet, it was entirely too quiet. All the way up here in orbit she couldn't hear a single damn song that she had gotten so used to being surrounded by, she could only barely hear Geoffrey if she focused. She was not looking forward to trying to explain this to him; it could prove to be a real problem.

And the fever began to spread
From my heart down to my legs
But the room is so quiet, oh oh oh oh

It was wrong. It was tempting, and exhilarating, but it was too quiet, and too wrong, and while all these faces were familiar in some way, they weren't the faces that she wanted to see every day. It was good to see them again, a refreshing change of pace and a reassurance that they were still alive, but she felt like nothing more than a tourist among natives now. She could only hope this conversation with Caél went well as she paused before the doors to stable herself before stepping in.

"Captain, sir." She stepped forward, standing in front of his desk at attention, hands clasped tightly where he couldn't see them, and just a little bit of nervousness causing her voice to shake.

"Lieutenant, it's good to see that you survived down there. Healthy I presume?" Genuine concern echoed through his voice as the graying man looked up from his desk. A lot more grey than T'Rae remembered, there were only flashes of dark brown hair left on his head, and the lines had deepened around his eyes. Whatever had happened to this ship while she was missing from it, it had aged him significantly. In a way it almost made her sad to say what she needed to say, but she knew how much it would crush those back at her household if she didn't say it.

T'Rae nodded, "Yes sir, I've been seeing a doctor, I will have my medical records updated with Stevens before ship leaves." She confirmed, for the moment ignoring her fact that the doctor she was seeing and the man that tended to almost all of her medical emergencies were two completely different people. She saw Grimm plenty. Here and there. Around the weyrd.

Caél seemed relieved by that. "I understand you had to mingle with the locals then? After four years it's to be expected I suppose, as per regulation I presume?" He seemed satisfied with the sharp nod that T'Rae gave him, she had mostly followed regulation, in places that there were actually regulations to be followed and not just a whole lot of making it up as she went along because really the rulebooks did not cover some of the things she had been through. "Good. Good. Status report, Lieutenant."

T'Rae took a deep breath, she was only going to have one chance at this, she needed to be careful with her words. "A confirmed Class M Planet, sir. Designation Planet, it holds around it a force field with a very unusual purpose. While I have not confirmed it's point of origin, it took down my shuttlecraft barely hours after you departed, I have been planet-bound since. The inhabitants are fascinating; I have kept up to date biological and sociological records on the Shuttlecraft, as well as readings for the planet itself. Sir if I may," She hesitated, waiting for Caél to nod for her to continue, "It's like nothing we've ever seen before. The locals aren't… well a very small number of them are actually native. Most of them are, well, like me. Off-worlders, though unlike me most of them just… woke up there." She stopped at the disbelief that had settled itself on Caél's face.

And although I wasn't losing my mind
It was a chorus so sublime
But the room is so quiet, oh oh oh

"That's quite the story Lieutenant, but what are you trying to get at here?" The man leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled before him and giving T'Rae a rather inquisitive look. The Vulcan shifted under his gaze, as old and experienced as she was there was always something about that look of his that made her feel like a new recruit all over again. She couldn't say she entirely liked it.

"Sir if I may be so bold, this planet is an amazing scientific find, if we could find the origin of the Planetary Illogical Field and further a way to utilize it, the possibilities could very well be endless. At the very least instantaneous, unrestricted travel, even across universes. If a planet like this falls into the wrong hands," T'Rae shook her head, the results could be disastrous. Planet could be a great boon to the federation, or a very deadly weapon. She didn't want to think about the latter possibility. "I believe an ambassador, or at the very least a liaison, should be stationed. Even if it does not become a full fleged member of the Federation it's not the kind of place we should leave to its own devices." Nervously she drew her speech to a close, watching her captain mull over her words with both fear and expectation.


I was looking for a breath of a life
A little touch of heavenly light
But all the choirs in my head sang, no oh oh oh

It felt like a long time that silence stretched between them, Caél watching her with his intense consideration. She had no idea if that was supposed to be good or bad, if this was going to work out in her favor or not. "All your records are stored on the Shuttlecraft?" He questioned her finally, T'Rae nodded. "We need time, a day or two, to repair, restock, and recharge. Your records will be taken for consideration in the intervening time. After I have had a chance to look through them I will reconsider your recommendation." He stated firmly, not the acceptance that she wanted but it wasn't an outright denial either, visibly T'Rae relaxed. "You realize that given your experience with the natives that I will have to consider you for the position?" He added, a concerned and curious quirk of his eyebrows as he concluded his ruling.

She had to resist the urge to grin. "Yes sir, I would gladly volunteer for the position." She agreed, she was as closest thing to an expert on Planet that they were going to find, she was probably the best person for the job. See, she even wanted it, how convenient.

It's a harder way and it's come to claim her
And I always say, we should be together
And I can see below, 'cause there's something in here
And if you are gone, I will not belong here

"Alright Lieutenant, I'll take that into consideration. Dismissed." He waved her off with a chuckle, familiar enough with the woman even after all this time he could see some of the eagerness in her stance. He couldn't make any decision based on that alone, though, he would have to look over the data.

"Umm, sir. One more thing…" She hesitated, she couldn't just stay up here while she waited for his ruling, after all.

"Hmm?"

"Even if you opt not to place anyone on the surface, it has been four years sir. I have things that would need to be taken care of before I can leave." She tested the water tentatively; she couldn't risk angering Caél by wandering back to the surface without clearance.

"Yes alright, you may return to the surface as you need, if you can convince Gerab to let you go." Caél determined without looking back up from the paperwork on his desk, he didn't need to look to know there was a knowing grin on T'Rae's face.

And I started to hear it again
But this time it wasn't the end
And the room is so quiet, oh oh oh oh

"Thank you sir." And with that she was out, back into the cold air of the metal hallway. Again she was swept up in the pressing silence of the empty corridor, even as her boots clicked against the metal and sent the sound echoing about her. Pressing, suffocating silence. She couldn't go back to living like that, as much as part of her would always want to travel amongst the stars, she knew she couldn't do it like this. She wouldn't last, living like this. Just a little longer, a little longer and she could go back. She stopped by her old rooms, unlocking the door and entering into the stale environment, everything just as she had left it. Gently she laid her bag on the bed, pulling a larger duffle from underneath the thing and going about packing it. One thing she had missed most dearly about her room were the clothes. It was about time that she had more than one uniform.

Clothes were collected, knick-knacks, pictures, sentimental things she didn't want left behind. Everything was tucked away carefully in the bag, slinging it over her should and she was back in the hallway. As much as part of her wanted to go and hunt down the rest of her friends on the ship, Caél's words let her to believe that there would be time for that later. She had something else she needed to take care of right now. She didn't bother to lock the door behind her as she took to the hallway one last time, back to the transporter room. Even this short time the silence was maddening; the separation from her shinies and from Geoffrey was maddening. She wanted back on the surface.

And my heart is a hollow plain
For the devil to dance again
And the room is too quiet, oh oh oh oh

She was fortunate this time, an ensign manning the transporter console, no doubt having replaced Johnny when he went running off to blab everything she had said to the rest of the crew. Easily enough she was on the surface again, taking a deep breath of the heavy forest air, ignoring the barrage of questions from her shinies as she took the duffle inside, leaving it on her bed before meeting Koh-nar at the front door.

She had to tell Geoffrey, immediately.

I was looking for the breath of a life
A little touch of a heavenly light
But all the choirs in my head sang, no oh oh oh