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Introduction
Welcome to St. Gabrielles Catholic Boarding School located in Bangor, Maine. At St. Gabrielles we promote a supportive and diverse atmosphere that encourages all of our young men to recognize their potential and to appreciate the qualities that make each of them unique.

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 The Pillow Book of Noah White, You WISH I was talking about you...
Noah White
Posted: Oct 8 2010, 11:08 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Pretty damn perky considering Iím in GODFORSAKEN MAINE.
Listening to: Yeah Yeah Yeah by New Politics
Reading: 1776 by David McCullough
Drinking: Midori Sour

New school, new people to fuck withóI mean ďmeet.Ē I have to be honest, I wasnít expecting much from fucking MAINE. On a list of all the lamest states in the lower forty-eight, I kinda thought Maine would be in top ten at least. Hereís my current list of Whoís Who for St. Gabeís. If they ainít worth my time then theyíre not on here.

Jack Killganon Ah, my little JackieÖ my first fuck at St. Gabeís. And my second. And my third. So much drama in such a little package and quite the delicate slut too but donít let him catch you calling him any of that. The boy has no sense of style either, he NEEDS me. He makes me feel like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman without all the romantic shit on the side, except Iím not a prematurely gray closet gay and heís not some colorblind prostitute with a mouth the size of Manhattan. Though they do have a commonality in their preferences for footwear.

Oliver Basset You know whatís even more entertaining than fucking the nympho? NOT fucking him instead. Donít get me wrong, I will hit that someday itís just that right now itís so much more hilarious watching him walk around knowing I have slept with or want to sleep all these other people and seeing him doubt his abilities as a porn star to seduce me. Heís freaking out, doubting himself and trying seduce me at every turn. I LOVE it, that alone could get me off, not that I ever have that problem. No worries Ollie, I adore you and your time is coming but first I have to get you were I want you.

AND fuck your so-called boyfriend a few more times.

Isaac Alchester On that note, letís discuss my newest obsession. His attitude was such a turn off at first but thanks to Mr. Basset I fucked him twice the other day (without him knowing it at first) and Iím pretty sure I can convince him of a few more before the Ice Queen returns. He gave me a shiner the first week I was here just because Iíd done a some reconnaissance on his background, the little prick. Unfortunately for him that only gave me a little taste, enough to get his blood in the water, and now that I have my teeth in him heís doomed.

Father Damian What a waste of space. Hereís a guy who has the looks to kill (and the hands and manners to make me think he already has) and then lets them all go to waste by being a complete pussy. What kind of simpleton screams for his equally pussified boyfriend to save him when two sixteen year old boys are in his lap, desperate for him to have his way with them? Donít think too hard on that one because here he is. You're in for a fall from grace, Father, and it is not gonna be pretty. Iím so over him but not beyond making his life miserable.

Starting tomorrow.

Neil Hall I am pretty much convinced that Neil is actually a woman. A woman who can grow facial hair. If some day he surprises us all and his testicles finally drop then maybe Iíd do him. But not until then, fuck.

Teller Nieves What exactly does one write about Teller Nieves that hasnít already been said or screamed or scribbled on the bathroom walls? And thatís exactly why I love him. People in this school give him no credit but that boy is a work of art from the way he walks, talks, and acts all the way down to the very beautiful tattoos that grace his skin. Pretty sure he has an undying desire to sleep with Mr. King though, but Iím willing to overlook that one fault out of the fact that I think Teller just gets off on attempting the impossible. And fucking Mr. King IS impossible, that boyfriend of his is a goddamn tank. Seriously, I still canít walk right after PE on Wednesday and not for the reasons Iíd like.

Mahone Quinn Violent. Misanthrope. Barely out of the closet. Grease monkey, Jackass. How does someone like Jack Killganon end up with a guy like THIS? I hope Augustine takes him down a peg or two.

Or six, knowing Augustine.

Ray Larking This guy is a beautiful, beautiful man. Possibly the most gorgeous (and the blackest) person I have ever seen walking the halls of any private Iíve ever attended. We havenít even spoken yet and already Iím intrigued. I heard heís from New OrleansÖ I need to know more, it must happen. Iíll set Oliver on it, heís good at getting me information that I want.

Thatís it for now, no one else worth mentioning yet.
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Noah White
Posted: Oct 16 2010, 07:57 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Thoughtful
Listening to: Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
Reading: Burmese Days George Orwell
Drinking: Irish Trash Can

Hello boys and girls. Today I would like to discuss with you the themes of irony and lust that seem to be the driving force behind St. Gabrielleís Catholic Boarding School.

I am certain that first we can all agree with the concept that the human heart wants most that which it cannot have, undoubtedly most individuals have witnessed this phenomena or even experienced it firsthand. Knowing this fact and knowing as well the pervasive nature of the inhabitants of his establishment to fuck any and everything that moves, I am constantly perplexed by the growing ideals of monogamy that some individuals in this school choose to thrust upon their partners, willing or otherwise.

Take for example, Mr. Leo Butler. Here is a creature who is a known sexual deviant, he certainly is not about to take the prize for being most loyal when it comes to his bedmates by a long shot. He manages to land himself one of the most willing andóinexplicably, I might addósought after pieces of ass in the adult population of St. Gabeís as his main squeeze. And yet, despite the fact that sex is presented any time he wants, both willingly and otherwise, he still seeks out other potential mates knowing full well that Mr. King values commitment and monogamy. Potential mates such as the young and naÔve Mr. Robin Cunningham, who I know Mr. Butler had his way with on our latest outing with the swim team. The irony in this? Mr. Cunningham himself was once a monogamy seeker, though one questions his level of intelligence when considering the partner he wanted to lay claim to was our darling Teller Nieves. (Further proof that ďbook smartĒ doesnít always translate to ďstreet smart.Ē)

But whatís that you say? How am I privy to such sensitive information pertaining to student and teacher sexual relations? Darlings please, need I remind you that I am the one and only Noah White? Information always comes at a price but the returns from knowing such details are always worth threefold what you pay. And now of course I am faced with the OH so difficult task of deciding who to tell first.

Who am I kidding, of course it will be Oliver. xoxo

Oh and a final note, if that bastard Seth lays one more finger on Ray Larking, I swear to GOD I will break it off and feed it to him.
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Noah White
Posted: Oct 27 2010, 06:27 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Bitchy.
Listening to: Canned Heat by Jamiroquai
Reading: Frankenstein by Mary Shelly
Drinking: Lemon Drop

Jack Killganon ĖWhat the FUCK has gotten into Jackie lately? He threw some lame ďI was using you all alongĒ bullshit at me last night, like I even believed that for a second. But then he spit on me and you just canít let an offense like that slide. Bitches start getting ideas that itís ok to spit on you and voice their opinions and next thing you know you have another 19th Amendment on your hands. So I grabbed him by the hair and threw him out of my room. Jack isnít a USER, heís someone who GETS USED. Donít get me wrong, Iím enjoying the revival tour of ďIím Not A Whore,Ē but unlike the Stones this shit gets old after a while. I need a new bottom bitchÖmaybe I should hold auditions.

Teller Neives ĖTo quote the great Katy Perry, this bitch changes his mind like a girl changes clothes. A colorblind girl. Who used to be a stripper. Pink hair? Who thought THAT was a good idea? Even Pink went blonde after a while and sheís fucking CALLED Pink. I swear he gets more and more androgynous as the days go by and he's bipolar as hell on top of it. Get this, he MAKES me join his little dance team, plays like weíre BFFs one minute, then turns around and acts like heíd rather kill me than look at me? Get over yourself, Rainbow Brite, and get some pills for that PMS, shit. You make my daddy issues look like a Sunday stroll in a park with the five hundred layers of crazy you bring to the couch every week.

Augustine Vanburen ĖMmm, my newest fascination. Iíll probably get burned and I donít really care because the ride alone is going to be worth it. This kid is never the same way twice in the same minute, plus he could use a makeover. HmÖ

Robin Cunningham ĖGrow up, Peter Pan. The ďnice boyĒ faÁade is just that, a fake, and I know Iím not the only one getting tired of it. Youíre a goddamn slut and you know it so stop trying to hide behind your good grades and your honor roll, capice? You got fucked up the ass once or twice by Mr. Butler and now you think youíre hot shit Ďcause you got to play with the big boys? PUH-LEASE.

Damian ĖÖActually, Iíve got nothing to say on this one yet, nothing that wouldnít sound like a bad rewording of ďI just canít quit you.Ē ÖOh god, Damian in nothing but jeans and a cowboy hat. Öholy fuck, am I gay or what?? I will say this, that man can kiss and those hands know their way around a body. I actually look forward to confession now, and not just for the reason youíd think. Heís helped me get perspective on the White Family as a whole and I am grateful for that. No one gives him credit for it but Damian can be a good man if the mood strikes him and heís the best problem solver. I had to work really hard to hide how worried I was when he was in the hospital this last week, but now that heís back itís a relief. Stopping by this evening to say hi, wish me luck!
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Noah White
Posted: Dec 23 2010, 08:10 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Feisty
Listening to: ĒRaise Your GlassĒ by Pink
Reading: The Complete Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle.
Drinking: Hot buttered rum.

Dear GOD Iíve been slacking lately. Fuck me.
Shall we?

Mr. Butler. ĖWho the fuck makes their swim team practice in the winter?! A fucking SADIST, thatís who. He and Mr. Stadler should get together and have it out. Best case scenario: they both kill each other in combat and we are free to go back to enjoying doing the minimum to barely scrape by at this school. Acceptable scenario: one dies and we can use the time spent killing ourselves in his class to focus on slowly poisoning the other to death with sodium azide in his coffee. I hope Mr. Butler kicks it first. Heís been a ray of sunshine ever since Mr. King left him. /end sarcasm. It canít be all about the sexóI SWEAR TO GOD heís had every student in this school including the straight ones and about half the teachers as wellóso that means he has to have had REAL feelings for that kike... probably still does, how fucking sad is that, especially now that Mr. King and Mr. Vane are playing house. At any rate, he can stop taking it out on us any day now.

Mahone Quinn ĖOH MY GOD I LOVE YOU. Letís get married TOMORROW. Iím hopeless with cars, I know, and your boyfriend is a slut and mine is probably a serial killer who makes lamps out of fat girl skin BUT WE COULD MAKE IT WORK. In all seriousness, you have a lot to offer the world in your own simple way. Thanks for being patient with me.

Ilan Vidal ĖOh goodie, another Jew. And a crazy one at that. Letís hope you set a better example of your people than the whore of a music teacher we have now.

Oliver Basset ĖOllie, I love you but if you put one more animal in our room and then leave to have another sleep over with The Ice Queen... I will NOT be held responsible for my actions. And on that note...

Isaac Alchester ĖYOU. Make up your mind. Youíre so fucking shallow and I truly believe that you are impossible of having an original thought in your head. If youíre gonna date my best friend then stop flirting with Mr. Butler or I swear to god I will fucking kill you with my bare hands. Everyone knows that this ďopen relationshipĒ shit is all just a cover to hide the fact that you canít get over how hard you get when someone treats you like the easy slut that you are. WAKE. UP. Why do you think Oliver isnít sleeping around even though you give him every reason to run for the hills? Because he loves you, you stupid cunt. Why should YOU be the only one benefitting from this arrangement? If you hurt him again, I will ruin you, Alchester.

Seth Van de Kirk ĖYou are so simplistic and so complicated all at once. I give up trying to figure you out. You say ďusĒ and ďweĒ when you talk about the future... Iím still not 100% convinced yet Iím going to make it there with you. But for now I donít care. All I want to do is enjoy the ride and if at the end of the day you still want me by your side then I suppose that means there really is a God because He brought me you. Love you, babe.
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Noah White
Posted: Feb 27 2011, 07:53 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Pissed off.
Listening to: P!nk- So What.
Reading: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
Drinking: Everything within reach.

FUCK. ME. Iím bad at this updating shit, goddammit. And itís not like I donít have plenty to bitch about, I could throw a rock and hit twelve cunts in need of skewering. Letís beginÖ

Seth Van de Kirk ĖI miss you so much it hurts. But I canít let you keep coming into my lifeórearranging the furniture and drinking all the milkóthen taking pieces of me when you go any more. I gotta save the rest of me for me now. Youíve certainly made an easy act to follow for whatever poor fucker I end up with next, if I end up with anyone that is. I mean, basically as long as they DONíT fuck their half brother and get drunk nightly and burp in my face after eating fiery cheetos theyíve got you beat. ÖDamn Iím gonna miss you. Moving on before I regret this.

Mischa Aleksandrovich ĖI think you get off on martyr-hood and frankly all it does is make you look like the weakest link in a prostitution ring whoís only choice is to lie back and take it because she doesnít have the balls or the brains to avoid the cock. You got what you wanted, Seth and I arenít together anymore, congratulations, you manipulated your way to victory once again. How does Augustine feel about losing his half brother and his ďbest friendĒ over this? Maybe the next time you choose to improve those around you, why donít you try looking in the mirror first you self righteous cunt. Let me know when you get tired of being the puppet master, I bet I can think up a couple things you can do with the strings insteadÖ like hang yourself.

Augustine Vanburen ĖNo matter how many times you say ďIím sorryĒ itís not the magical charm you want it to be. You canít click your heels together three times this time, Dorothy, and youíre always going to be a fucked up, sadistic bastard who canít control his libido no matter how many times your little Glinda the Good Witch tries to smooth things over for you. Tell me, when you were fucking my boyfriend (your brother, in case you forgot) did you even stop to recall that the only reason why you can still see Mae is because I paid off her psycho mom? Or maybe you forgot that one because you were too busy remembering that the fact that you even HAVE a girlfriend right now is because I talked your tail out from between your legs and taught you what to say to her? If this is how you treat best friends maybe Iím better off being your enemy.

Ray Larking ĖYOU. Never mind, forget it, I donít have anything to say to you. Everything is your fault. EVERYTHING. IS YOUR FAULT.

Teller Nieves ĖIíd say go to hell but Iím pretty sure youíre already there. Howís it feel to be left alone, forgotten, with no one wanting to look at you anymore or even giving two shits if they fuck your ass or their hand tonight? Enjoy.

Isaac Alchester ĖI guess youíre not that bad. Ö whatever.
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Noah White
Posted: Jun 26 2011, 06:00 AM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Whatever.
Listening to: Bulletproof by La Roux
Reading: Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn
Drinking: Copious amounts of mojitos.

My Family ĖFuck all of you, Iíll come home when Iím good and ready and not a minute before. Why do you even want me there anyway, youíre not going to pay any attention to me, you just want us to look the part for all the public appearances weíre supposed to make this summer. Fuck you, Dad, youíre gonna end up like Uncle Michael. Same goes to you, Harry. When are you gonna admit to yourself that your life is nothing but misery because you always do whatever the hell our fucktard of a father tells you? Nick, youíre a goddamn coward. Canít you see it would be better for both of us if youíd just man up? Josh, I hope you die. Seriously, I hope itís a brutally painful and drawn out death too for all the shit youíve done to me, I hate you and I will never stop hating you. EVER. Fuck you too, Mom, grow a spine. Canít you see your husband is killing your sons? GOD, I hate you people.

Seth Van de Kirk ĖWhat an anticlimactic finish. Sorta makes the whole thing seem mediocre at best. I wonder just how much of you I actually got in comparison to how much of me I gave. You know whatís sad? I almost liked you better that day you lied to my parents about your plans for the future. I finally thought you were going somewhere and going to do something. I was actually proud of you. Now Iím just thinking youíre going to end up couch surfing for the rest of your life, chasing one useless piece of ass after the other. Teller doesnít WANT to be with you, isnít it obvious? It is to the rest of us. Whatever, good luck and thanks for the ride.

Charlie Monroe ĖItís not your fault Damian is an asshole. I donít blame you. Still, you might want to not get in my way for a few weeks.

Damian McArdie ĖFucker. You are an absolute fucker. I hate you so much sometimes that you make me want to set fire to something. Fuck you and your gay motorcycle and your stupid dogs and your gorgeous body. Stop looking at me, stop talking to me, stop walking by me, stop understanding me, stop caring about me, just get out of my head! Ö or fuck me. Either one? All the above?

Mahone Quinn ĖThe next time Jackie gets tired of you, you know where to find me. I still remember those 7 Minutes in HeavenÖ and the hood of your car? You have great hands, must come from all that manual labor you do. Pretty sure sleeping with you would piss off my family and right now that sounds just about fantastic. Name the time and the place and Iíll be there.

Riley Cubas ĖYou have. THE. Most amazing ass. I have ever seen. EVER. Your personality is a breath of fresh air too. And you know what the best part is? You havenít ONCE told me what to do since we met. I like that. Youíre too cute to be anything but a virgin and honestly, Iím not sure Iím ready for that just yet. Letís take it slow. Dinner, itís on me.

Iím so tired of dating, no one around here is worth the heartache and the few that ARE are already seeing someone. Can I graduate yet? I need to get the fuck out of here. Your farm better be as amazing as you make it sound, Augustine.
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Noah White
Posted: Jul 8 2011, 11:38 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Pensive.
Listening to: The Scientist by Coldplay
Reading: Meh.
Drinking: Water.

I canít decide if I miss you or if I just miss ďbeingĒ with you. Everyone says Iím better off without you, I think about all the fights and the bad times, I know theyíre right. But I still canít shake this incredible feeling of loss. Why didnít you fight for me? I donít understandÖ we used to ďbreak upĒ all the time and then weíd be back together by the end of the week. Remember when I finally forgave you for the Mischa and Augustine incident? You were so happy to be with me again that you picked me up and spun around with me. It was like you were a little kid again, Iíd never seen you so ecstatic. I thought ďhe really loves me.Ē It was the most amazing feeling in the world.

They say youíre tired of me, that you lost interest in me. How do you go from giving me a promise ring (your idea, btw) to losing interest in me in less than three months? I was so stupid to believe this time was different. I want to be angry but Iím not, I just donít have the energy anymore.

user posted image

I named her Ophelia because you were my Hamlet.
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Noah White
Posted: Sep 27 2011, 05:16 AM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Happy! Ödonít look so fucking surprised, it happens.
Listening to: My Boyfriends Back sung by Paris Benette
Reading: Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
Drinking: Scotch on the rocks with a twist

WARNING. This is going to be a gay boy squeal of delight entry so cover your ears or fuck off if you donít want to hear it. Iím dating Mahone!! Iím so ready for this, every time I remember I get all wiggly and I want to do something super gay like scream. Iíve needed this so badly, itís like finally getting that big break in show business. Heís literally the only one thatís been on my radar for at least the last three months and the waiting was starting to get to me down. Especially since Seth and Teller seem to be doing so well. Not that itís a competition or anything, itís just hard to see your ex doing so well when youíre lonely and miserable. Donít get me wrong, I AM a vindictive bitch, but that has nothing to do with it this time.

And before you ask, we havenít slept together yet. Well we have but that was a long time ago, around Christmas or so I think. We havenít slept together since then; weíve decided sort of each on our own to take it slowly. I canít even begin to tell you how much this pleases me and I think thatís why all my past relationships have gone to shit eventually. Moving so fast the passion burns out in a few months is something Iím completely over. Heís already really special to me, heís a good friend first of all, and I intend to train him into a better lover than Jack ever could.

Mischa, I wish you were here. I so badly want to squeal over this with you while we paint nails and watch bad movies. I hope youíre ok and I REALLY hope you come back soon. Collin seems like heís doing ok but I get the feeling it hasnít sunk in for him yet that your note said you might not ever come back. I know youíll never see this but I want you to know that Iím going to take care of him for you. I wonít let anyone take advantage of him and Iíll help nudge him towards a nice girl (or boy) if it looks like we really will never see you again.

Augustine, youíll always be my best friend. Even if you are a stupid, boorish, dumbfuck, youíre still MY dumbfuck <3 Just stop dating Jeff, I swear to GodÖ once was dumb enough but to try again and again? Shit. And try to get along with Mahone, please? I want so much for my boys to get along and I know Iím asking for the impossible but I know youíll try for me <3

Seth, Iím glad weíre still friends. Really, I mean it. You have the potential to be a great person, donít squander it. And if you could stop fucking Teller, that would be awesome too. Hey, I can dream all I want.

And JackÖ I promise Iíll take care of him, Iíll treat him better than you ever did thatís for damn sure. Iím sorry things went the way they did, but thatís what you get for fucking around. And if you grab my Armani shirt again, bitch I swear it will be the last thing you do. Iím Noah Fucking White and Iíll kill any slut who wrinkles my Armani.

OH MY GOD OPHELIA HAS GOTTEN SO BIG I LOVE HER SO MUCH ASKJDFLAS
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Noah White
Posted: Jul 6 2012, 02:26 AM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Chill
Listening to: Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros ďHomeĒ
Reading: Overdressed: The Shockingly High Cost of Cheap Fashion by Elizabeth Cline
Drinking: Pico Sour

Yeah look at that bitches, Iím not dead. So begins my final year at St. Gabrielleís. Letís recap and reinvigorate this thing, buckle your seatbelts.

Damian McArdie- What the FUCK? Clearly I was doing JUST FINE on my own in my own apartment, why do you have to be such a hater? You missed watching my fine ass walking down the hall didnít you, is that why you made ugly ass dorm rooms mandatory this year? At least you gave me a single, otherwise there would have been a justifiable homicide. Your loss though, I would have paid you triple what those single rooms cost just so I could spend less time in this hell hole than I already do, but then reasoning was never your strong suit. Clearly you need to see Mr. Salander about that stick up your ass since it seems Mr. Stadler isn't getting the job done.

Colin Augerman- Good for you babyface. Donít get me wrong, I love Mischa, she will always be the Queen Bee to my King Bitch, but itís about time you got yourself out of that there fucked up mess. There was a more poorly designed love triangle going on there than a Stephanie Meyers ďnovelĒ and both of them made me want to throw my chair out a window. Now just donít go getting yourself into something equally fucked up and maybe youíll turn out ok in the end after all.

Mahone Quinn- ♥

Viktor Griffin- Bring Bunny around more often, you two are so much fun. It almost makes me forget that I hate this town with every fiber of my being. I hope it goes first in the Zombie Apocalypse. Plus between the two of you, you can satisfy almost every fashion urge I can think of which also makes me a happy camper. Just no more drama with your daddy, that shit was ridiculous. Trust me, I know a thing or two about not getting along with your family, but at least you can still talk to yours. Tell him the truth, Zane is too good to hide for long.

Teller Nieves- Truce for now, you slant-eyed, skinny, herpes ridden midget? ;D Iím glad you were able to get out better than I did, even if it still sucks in general. Tristan seems like fun, even if he is a little flighty thoughÖ who knows, maybe you two can be just what you need for a while. Bring me something sexy back from Mexico. And by ďsexyĒ I mean something I can fix with my orange juice.

Augustine Vanburen- Iím happy for you, really I am. Now maybe you can grow the fuck up a bit? I know thatís a looooooot to ask, but hereís hoping.

Mischa Aleksandrovich- Donít go. sad.gif I need youuuuuuÖ ♥♥♥♥♥


Now everybody shut the fuck up and look at my dog! :3

user posted image
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Noah White
Posted: Aug 5 2012, 06:00 PM


Member


Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



Mood: Gayer than eight guys banging nine guys.
Listening to: Everybody Talks by Neon Trees
Reading: And a Bottle of Rum: A History of the New World in Ten Cocktails Wayne Curtis
Drinking: Peach Sangria


WARNING: EXTREMELY GAY EMO POST ABOUT FEELINGS BELOW! IF YOU WANT TO AVOID GETTING MY SELF FLAGELLATION ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS ALL OVER YOUR SHOES, SKIP TO THE **** LINE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

******BEGINNING EXCESSIVE FEELINGS RANT******

Mischa, Augustine, where are you?? I canít do this on my own, Iím in absolute crisis mode here. Heís back. Thatís right, HIM. Heís back and he wants me back, my best friends are missing, I donít trust the teachers, Ophelia doesnít talk back, and I feel so far out of my league here that I donít even know how to function.

Where do I even begin? This is the man who I thought I was going to date a LEAST through the rest of high school. So much for that. Itís the sexual chemistry that I canít deny; itís so thick around us itís practically tangible, you can taste it, touch it. He makes me want to lock the doors and draw the shades, let him tear me to pieces and ravage me until I go blind. He turns me into an insane lust monster, Iím his slave when he puts his mind to it. When Iím under his spell, he becomes my world and the master of every part of my being. I spend all my waking moments wrapped around his every need and desire, and the most intoxicating part of it all is that I AM his every need and every desire. Do you know what itís like to be so wholly wanted by someone, body and soul? Itís maddeningly erotic and makes the idea of spending the rest of your life on leash at heel for them seem like the ultimate ambition. I was living a fucking 50 Shades of Grey novel!!

Iíve been down that road. Iíve done that dizzying spiral of need and obsession and itís not pretty in the slightest. It does things to you, it warps you and weakens you. For all that I loved him and for all that he loved me, we were still terrible together. Weíre both immature and selfish, irrational, contradictory, superficial humans. Is that why weíre so damn attracted to each other? Denying that I still care about him is such an obvious lie that Iím not even going to bother with. I loved him for almost a year, of course part of me still cares about him and that part wants to go running back to him and do that danse macabre all over again.

But I wonít. Iíve come so far and matured so much since I came to this school and in his own way, Seth played a part in that. I know Iím strong enough to resist him, I just have to get over the bad feelings I get knowing Iím hurting him by turning him down. Besides, how could I go back to someone who broke my heart so many times when I look at what I have beside me now. Augustine, I donít care what you say about Mahone (Gingersnap is still my favorite, by the way), you know heís so good for me. You said yourself I lost my light when I was with Seth. Well, Mahone and his own quiet, steady, genuine style of loving me has brought it back.

Iíve never been so patient when it comes to waiting for things, I courted Mahone for months before we finally, officially, got together. He makes me feel safe, and so, so loved. I never doubt his feelings for me. I never have to doubt anything with him in fact; heís reliable and beautiful and he makes the world stop spinning. Heíll always catch me when I get dizzy from it. It sounds clichť but I donít know if Iíve ever loved anyone the way I love him. I never want to stop loving him and I think that right there is the answer Iíve been looking for. I never want to fall out of love with Mahone whereas I desperately want to break this cycle with Seth. If I can do it without hurting him that would be the ideal, but Iím almost certain thatís impossible.

Why do things like this have to be so hard? Mischa, I would give any amount of money or things to talk to you right now, who better to understand this than you? I wish you could tell me the magic words I need. I've already made my decision, I just have to come to terms with it and get over how other people feel about it. I need your steel and storm, Mischa, youíd know exactly what to say to make me not doubt myself. God I hope youíre safe and coming home soon.

******END EXCESSIVE FEELINGS RANT******

Thatís enough emo gay boy rambling for now. God, I sound like SUCH a fag. I still havenít decided how much of this to tell Mahone. I know he wonít judge, he never does, but I donít want to burden him with something that he wouldnít benefit from knowing. What I WILL do is take him out to that drive in theatre. We can take the Jeep, heís got it running again, it purrs like a kitten. I helped him with the alternator and I didnít even get us electrocuted. I know, right? Shut the fuck up. xD

Viktor, letís go get some Chanel or Valentino. Retail therapy is FANTASTIC when you have shit to get off your chest. GET IN LOSER, WEíRE GOING SHOPPING. Bling me, baby. <3
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Noah White
Posted: Feb 4 2013, 02:00 PM


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Group: Senior
Posts: 42
Member No.: 262
Joined: 27-September 10



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