Introduction

[Augustine Vanburen]

[Augustine Vanburen]

[Augustine Vanburen]

NOV 22, 12:51 AM

Woah. I have a friend. Noah White, since when did you transform from a worthless fucktard to such a sweetheart? I love you like family. Come and live with me forever?

Jack Killganon, I hate you. I love you. Why can't you just get out of my life? I'm trying to be happy now, and am finally moving on, yet you're keeping me wrapped around your finger. You moved on so quickly to Mahone, so why can't I have my own happiness?
oh, p.s. - if you keep wearing those shorts around me, you're not going to be stayin' faithful for very long. Just saying.
p. s. s. - not that you were faithful in the first place.
p. s. s. s. - oh look. You inspired me to write a song.

Started off as a one night stand. Lingered to a fling.
The sirens and the surgeons didn't seem to mean a thing.
Hide your fangs all you want, you still need the blood.
Tell us that it's different now, you're up to no good.

Take my hand, show me the way, we are the children that fell from grace.
Take my hand, show me the way, we are the children who can't be saved.

One more nail in the coffin.
One more foot in the grave.
One more time I'm on my knees, as I try to walk away.
How has it come to this?

I've said it once. I've said it twice.
I've said it a thousand fucking times.
That I'm ok, that I'm fine.
That it's all just in my mind.
But this has got the best of me.
And I can't seem to sleep.
It's not because you're not with me. It's because you never leave.

You say this is suicide?
I say this is a war.
And I'm losing the battle.
Man down.

Is this what you call love?
This is a war I can't win.

One more nail in the coffin.
One more foot in the grave.
One more time I'm on my knees, as I try to walk away.
Everything I loved, became everything I lost.

I've said it once. I've said it twice.
I've said it a thousand fucking times.
That I'm ok, that I'm fine.
That it's all just in my mind.
But this has got the best of me.
And I can't seem to sleep.
It's not because you're not with me. It's because you never leave.

Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Every day.
It never ends. It never ends.
Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Every day.
It never ends. It never ends.
Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Every day.
It never ends. It never ends.
Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Every day.
It never ends. It never ends.


Let's see, teachers?

Father Damian. Oh, how I love to hate you. Mind bending me over your desk and spanking me until my ass is bright red again? That was fucking awesome. That is, if you're not too busy being made into Mr. Stadler's bitch.

Mr. King, you have my respect. Not many people have the ability to be sickeningly adorable and secretly bad ass at the same time. Also, if you keep playing electric violin around me, I might quite possibly cream my pants. Just a heads up.

Mr. Stadler...you are fucking hot, but even more terrifying. Despite all of that, I just love bugging the shit out of you. Too bad you're not into punishment fucking, eh? That'd be hot as shit.

Mr. Butler. Just...wow. Wow. Good job. Maybe a bit more lube next time.

Mr. Vane, it's about damn time. You keep being a princess and with Mr. King, you two were meant for each other. Oh, and keep up being pretty. I like staring at you in class.

Last but not least, Mr. Alchester...mm. Dorian. Dorian, Dorian, Dorian. I never tire of you. Oh, and you're right, I do knock things over on your desk on purpose.


Also, I had an emotional break down the other day.
I'm staring to feel better.
Maybe people won't hate me so much soon.

[Augustine Vanburen]

FEB 12, 3:19 AM

God fucking damnit, I'm in love again. Mischa Aleksandrovich...just. Wow.
I've been in love before, but it was nothing like this. Just hearing her name makes me feel like I'm falling through the sky...yet floating. I've never seen anything as gorgeous as her. She make me feel like a innocent, virgin little boy. I'd do anything to make her happy.
With her, it's like I WANT to be a better man.
And just.
sdfiugbsldifugbsldifugsdfgsdfgsdf ♥
That is what goes through my mind when I'm with her.
.....
This could be a problem.


On a lighter note, I've been expelled. Pretty normal for me.
Messian offered me a home, a job, and extra support. It was pretty weird. No one has ever cared enough about me to actually help me like that.I accepted his offer, but ended up not going through with it.
I'm on tour with the band now, and I brought Viktor's boy toy with me. When I'm not playing a gig or talking to Mischa on the phone, I'm usually busy trying not to kill myself and take the crazy fucker down with me.

I miss Cas. I miss watching Disney movies together and ignoring his constant rambling about History and things of the such. I also miss cuddling with him on nights that I can't be with Mischa.

I miss Noah. He has problems of his own, but never fails to make me smile. I've always loved him for that. He's such a little bitch too, but I can't help but love it. I'm going to tackle him to the ground in the biggest hug of his life when I get back.

Hell, I even miss Seth. When he's not busy hating me and wishing for me to die, he's pretty sweet. Stupid, but sweet. I suppose it's the Vanburen genes in him.

But most of all, I miss FUCKING MY GOD DAMN GIRLFRIEND.

My dick is going to fall off, I swear.

[Augustine Vanburen]

MARCH 25, 5:10 PM

Ugh, So much shit has happened, I don't even know where to start.


I know I said my heart beats for you; I was lying girl, it beats for two.
Because I've got your love and I've got these vices.


I feel like dying. Not death, really, just the idea of it. The idea of being nothing. Feeling nothing. I want that emptiness when you're asleep; you're not hungry, you're not tired, you're not sad, happy, horny - you're nothing. Absolutely nothing. But you're still alive.
I would just sleep forever, but the only problem with sleeping is that it's limited. You can't sleep forever, you have to wake up sooner or later. I don't want to wake up. Waking up means you have the face the real world, and I just don't think I can handle that.
Call it weak if you wish. I'm a dreamer. Always have been.


Everything I touch turns to stone.
So wrap your arms around me and leave me on my own.


To keep things simple, I'm leaving the school for a while. Zoe's mother is sick and she has to go take care of her at her home in New York, but she is unable to take care of Mae as well. I'll be staying at her house and taking care of my daughter until things clear up with Zoe's mother. Not sure how long it will take, but I'm not sure I care.
I'll be doing my school work through email and things of the such, so that should be fun. I'm sure the teachers will be throwing a hardcore party now that I'll be gone for a while.
Can't say I don't blame them.


Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.






To Noah, Cas, Teller, Dorian and Mischa - I'll miss you. Stay safe.

[Augustine Vanburen]

MAY 5, 6:55 PM

This is the only thing I will be able to open myself up to on. I suppose it’s not all that bad; my own blog can’t judge me. Or maybe it can. Who knows.

Guess I’ll start with saying that I am fucking psychotic. Well, I know I am, because of all the terrible things I did to Jack when we were dating, and often enjoyed doing such things. I have to say, I really did enjoy carving my name into his flesh. He bleeds beautifully, and sexier than ever when his eyes are burning with tears and pure fear. He knows how to handle and take the monster inside of me and feed it. As much as Jack fights me, I know how much he enjoys my abuse, for he has expressed it to me many times over. Raping him those few times, along with the most recent incident, I’ll admit was uncalled for and out of line of me. In all honesty, however, I feel no regret or remorse for the things I have done to him. I’m not sure why. All I know is that I enjoy abusing him until he can barely stand and have cried all the tears his body can produce. I’m not sure what that makes me. A psychopath? A rapist, maybe? Perhaps just an asshole? Honestly, I don’t find myself caring anymore. I think that’s the most terrifying bit of it all; that I feel nothing afterwords, except for the need to do it again, and do something worse. I can’t stop, won’t stop. I don’t know what it will take to return me to a normal human being again. I wonder what it’s like to kill a man. Hm.

There is Mischa, who is…fucking stupid. I wish there was a more poetic way for me to put that, but nothing quite comes to mind. I’ve never met someone who can manipulate the feelings of so many people at once. It’s brilliant, but terrifying. I, however, feel no sympathy for the shit dear Grayson and innocent Collin are going through because of her. They wanted Mischa away from me? Congratulations, motherfuckers, you have her. I’m having a lot of fun watching you two pathetic twats get broken over her. I now understand the people that would make fun of the pain I was in when I was moping over her, because honestly, it’s fucking hilarious. Hey Grayson, how’d you like it when I fucked her? I can tell you, we both had a blast. You should’ve heard her. I wish you could have seen it; it would’ve done wonders for you.
…I’m obviously bitter. I should probably be more mature about the situation than I am being. So here it is the ‘mature’ version:
I absolutely loathe and despise Grayson McArdie and Collin Augerman. I want to gut them and hang them with their own intestines, then have passionate sex with Mischa in their blood.
Hm. The psychopath point I made earlier is starting to get more obvious.
As for my feelings for Mischa, I still love her. She just has great ways of pissing me off. I suppose everyone pisses me off, but I’m going to ignore that point. Whatever. You said you wouldn’t give up on me, if I didn’t give up on you, and I haven’t. But god fucking damnit, baby girl, stop making it so hard.
I’m under the impression that she still loves me. It may be a crazy theory, but then again, I’m more than likely crazy. The certain twinkle she has in her eye when we’re together keeps that hope in me alive. It’s just a bit discouraging when it’s so easy to believe that she gets that same twinkle with Grayson or Collin. I know I’m easily replaceable, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

There is also someone I am growing to hate with every fiber of my being. No name needs to be mentioned, he knows who he is. I honestly believe that the world would be a much better and happier place without him in it, and I know I’m not the only one that thinks that. He causes nothing but trouble and problems, and to be honest, I don’t think many people would remorse over his death. Doesn’t he realize that he’s unwanted here? Whatever. I hope someone ends him soon. I had told myself when he first arrived here that I wouldn’t go through the trouble of ending him, but with each and every day I have to live with knowing he’s still out there, breathing and living life, the more I want his worthless blood on my hands.
Let’s just hope that someone gets to him before I do. I won’t be as kind as everyone else would about it. Go big or go home.

Alright, I’m done bitching now. Here’s a picture of me in a silly hat to outweigh the general depression and anger I never seem to shut up about.



Maybe I should wear that hat next time I go on a date.

[Augustine Vanburen]

JUNE 23, 6:22 AM

Can’t sleep. Might as well blog my thoughts. Mostly about Mischa, I’m having one of those ‘missing her’ nights. And I swear I just heard most of you sigh in annoyance. Fuck all of y’all, no one is making you read this.

I don’t even know where to start, to be honest. I love her. I don’t know how to put it in any other words than that. I’m sure many other men could make that more romantic, but whatever. I’ll admit that I’ve tried not to love her. I tried to convince myself that she was nothing but a crush to me and someone I will get over. Honestly, who was I kidding? I think about her every minute of every day. When I shut my eyes, I can see her beautiful smile. When I see her, even if it’s just passing her in the hallways, my throat closes up and my chest gets tight, like it’s about to burst. One word from her, even if it’s just a simple ‘hello’, puts me in a good mood for hours. I may not be the expert on relationships or the most caring person in the world, but I know what love is. No one can convince me otherwise.

I just wish she would give me another chance, even thought I don’t deserve it. I wish she would be with me again, and if she was still unhappy with me, then I would leave her alone for good. But for some reason that I can’t explain, I feel like I can be the man that she needs, the man that no one else can be. I don’t know what she went through back in Russia, but whatever it was, it had to of been terrible. I can see it in her eyes. Her eyes are so cold, so dark and…lifeless. What ever happened to her, what ever she went through; it took her life. She’s dead inside, a walking corpse. I mean, God, she’s only seventeen. She’s too young to be so broken. There’s a chance that I’m wrong, but I feel like when she’s with me, she’s alive in a way that no one else can make her. I may never understand her past, but that doesn’t matter to me. The honest truth is that I’m glad about what ever happened in Russia. It may have been horrible, but if it hadn’t happened, I would have never of met Mischa. I would rather die than go a lifetime without loving her.

I want the chance to fix her, help her mend her soul. Which is ironic when you consider who I am, but none of that matters to me. I would do nothing but love her. I would tell her how much she means to me as often as I could. I would never hurt her; never give her a reason to doubt me or herself. I would introduce her to things she was deprived from as a child and introduce her to new joys. I would never make her feel lonely or feel left out. I would make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, simply because in my eyes, she is. I would be near when she wanted me, and keep my distance when she wanted to be alone. I would cry with her, laugh with her. I would be her best friend, her mentor, and her lover. I would be everything that Grayson or Collin couldn’t be, simply because they don’t see her the way I do. There are times when I feel like I know her better than she knows herself. Once again, I could be wrong. I like to think that I’m not.

There’s no doubt in my mind that she still loves me. I can see it in her eyes and her smile, hear it in her voice and laugh, and feel it in her touch. She loves me in a way that she loves no one else and no one can convince me otherwise. This time, I’m going to play fair and let her figure it out on her own. I just hope she realizes it before it’s too late.

To be honest, this isn’t even close to all of how I feel, but I can’t put the rest into words. If Mischa happens to read this, I can only hope that she takes it to heart, because I am making a complete ass of myself by doing this. If she doesn’t, oh well. At least I got it out of my system.

And one final thing; To all the people that tell me that I need to get over her and move on, I have one thing to say to you:
I will never stop loving her. I will never stop caring about her. I will never get over her. I will never fully move on. I will never stop wishing for her. I will only get used to her not being around.

[Augustine Vanburen]

JULY 8, 7:00 PM

I'm lonely, depressed, and completely loathe my entire existence.

There. I said it. Now I guess I just have to wait for the part where I overcome it.

[Augustine Vanburen]

JULY 24, 6:35 AM

THIS JUST IN:
You're all fucking worthless and I hate you all. Alert the fucking media.

This school is the biggest piece of bullshit anyone could ever be forced to endure. I want to slaughter ALL of you. I'll spare Noah and Cas because I love them, but other than that, I could really kill everyone else. I'll get the knife and I'll give you all a ten second head start. It's fun watching all of you panic before I get the take the life out of your fucking eyes and end all of your pathetic existences.

I'm not going to care about my actions anymore. I hate all of you, so I couldn't give a shit if I hurt you or piss you off. Everyone is fucking dead to me and you're all going to die alone.

[Augustine Vanburen]

SEPT 13, 2:06 AM

I’m depressed. I can’t even have sex anymore. How fucking pathetic is that? I’m 20 years old and I have erectile dysfunction because of my depression. I don’t even know what’s causing it. At first I thought it was because of Mischa leaving me, but I don’t think that’s it. Then, I thought it’s because I left Jack. I don’t think that’s it either. I’m miserable when I’m alone, and I’m even worse when I’m with someone. I don’t know, maybe I should just stay alone until I can figure myself out. Or maybe I should get on some pills. If not pills, I’m sure hard drugs could be fun. Or maybe I’ll just stock up on ecstasy. Yeah. That sounds good.

Living with Noah is different to say the least. Strangely enough, we haven’t fucked yet. God knows he’s thrown himself at me enough times; I just haven’t really taken the hint. Well, I have, I just haven’t acted on them. I’m going to blame this erectile dysfunction bullshit for as long as I can, or until I can actually figure out what the fuck is going on. Besides him being frustrated that I won’t screw him, Noah and I get along for the most part. We fight at times, usually because of me, but that’s nothing new. The biggest fights so far happen when he brings Collin over and I’m a dick to him. I personally believe that if you can’t handle me that you should leave my apartment, but considering that Noah pays higher rent, I guess I’m in debt to him. It just fucking sucks. Why Noah has to have friends that I hate I’ll never know, but whatever. Huckleberry Finn stays out of my way, I’ll stay out of his. Although I said I wouldn’t call him that anymore. Hm. Maybe I’ll call him Deliverance. Or possibly Brokeback Mountain. I’ll have to brainstorm.

Relationship wise, I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Jeff and I went down the drain, but I suppose that was going to happen sooner or later. Naturally, Jeff is convinced we broke up because I’m ‘hung up’ on Mischa. Who knows, maybe that is the reason, or maybe it isn’t. I don’t really know. Knowing Jeff, he’s probably doing some voodoo witchcraft to give her a terrible breakout or something stupid like that. Emilie likes me, probably more than I know, and I’ve tried my hardest to like her back. I don’t know why, but I just don’t see her in a romantic way. I feel like such an asshole for saying that, but I don’t know what else to do. I know that I could just suck it up and date her, but I’m afraid that if I do that, I’ll just lose interest even more and end up hurting her. I value her as a friend and I care about her, I don’t want to take the risk of losing and hurting her. Granted, I probably shouldn’t have fingered her. I’m going to blame my libido on that one. Currently, I’m crushing on Arthur. Only god knows why, he’s a pain in my fucking ass. He’s so fucking annoying, he’ll be joking around just like I do, and yet when I try to joke with him, he acts all ‘mature’. He’s a good cuddle buddy though, and he takes care of me more than I could ask for. Honestly, no matter how much I hate to admit it, I think that’s what I need. I need someone who will scold me, take care of me, deal with all of me and love me, no matter how much of a pain in the ass I am. I’m not sure if Arthur is the one for that, but I think I want to try. I have much to learn about him before I jump into wanting to be more than whatever it is we are. I think that’s what caused all my past relationships to fail; we got into it too fast. I guess I have a bad habit of taking what I want too quickly.

When it comes to Mischa and if my love for her will affect my future relationships, I honestly can’t say. Yes I love her, but I’m not the only one that does, and I’ve realized that. It’s going to be hard, but I’ve decided to give up trying to wait for her or win her back. If I was going to get her back, I think it would of happened by now. And honestly, I don’t know if I want her back. I love her more than I could ever say, but look at her. She’s so happy. No matter how much I love her, I’ll always be me, and I have this famous talent of causing unhappiness even when I try my hardest not to. If being with Collin makes her happy, then that is what I want for her. If there comes a time that she decides that she wants me, then she may have me if I am not taken, but until then I am calling it quits. I’m not saying that it won’t hurt but I’ve made it this far without her, so I’m counting on myself to be able to make it without her until I find my own happiness.

In other news:



dont cha wish ur gurlfran wuz h0t lyke mi

[Augustine Vanburen]

OCT 1, 1:50 AM

Quick update.

I'm leaving for a while, I need to get myself together again. I'm going to stay with my grandparents back in the UK, but if you need to reach me you can call or text me as usual. Not sure when I'm coming back.

Noah, Arthur, Cas, Seth, Jeff; I'll try to keep in touch as much as I can, I still love you all deeply. And Emilie, if there is any way you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'll miss you, stay safe. Hopefully you'll find it in yourself to contact me sometime in the future, but I'm not sure I deserve it.

[Augustine Vanburen]

NOV 17, 5:38 AM

America. My chest now aches with the pain of familiar faces and the all too familiar disappointment that comes with them. Adults always told me that time heals everything and that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Is that was this pain is; fondness? It couldn’t be so, fondness is the feeling one feels when that certain boy or girl walks past you and your stomach tightens, that warmness that fills you with joy that you nearly burst. This feeling, this sickening feeling of failure and numbness, couldn’t be anything close to fondness. I can’t place my finger on what it is, whatever it is, but the day that it ends couldn’t come any quicker. I would do anything to return to England, the place where there are no worries, no troubles, no pain; the place where there is happiness. The blood of another man on my hands wouldn’t be too much to ask of me if it could return me to where I belong. And yet, no matter how persistent my desperation, I cannot allow myself to leave. Am I fond of pain?

I have chased many people out of my life, although the only that instantly come to mind are Emilie and Jeff. Emilie, the girl who has desperately fallen for a demon, and Jeff, the strange boy who made the demon feel at peace. If I were a smart man, I would have brought these two souls back into my life. I am not a smart man. My blood is made of nothing but stupidity – everyone knows it. My intentions are good yet my actions prove my logic otherwise. No matter how pure my intentions are, someone is hurt because of my actions. There is no one for me to express my pain to. I have caused so much pain for other people that the thought of helping me is laughable. Why help him? Why help the man that has brought pain and suffering to so many people? He deserves this. Let the pain consume him. If I were to trade places with the countless that I have hurt, I would do the exact same. Is this what I get for the choices that I’ve made? God, please forgive me.

Emilie is now going after Collin. I would give anything to say that it doesn’t bring a lump in the back of my throat. I have no right to be jealous – I never wanted her in the first place. Why am I feeling this way? Is it just a painful reminder that everyone around me is together while I stand alone? I feel as if replaced. You would think I would have grown accustom to the feeling of replacement from all the lovers that have cheated on me in the past. Here’s a surprise for all of you: it hurts just as bad as the first time.

The girl whom my heart ached for, who brought me such indescribable suffering, has returned. No time could be worse. After such a long period of darkness, I had finally reached the light on the path. Mischa. Just the vibration of her name fills me with so many clashing emotions that could not be given names, not even if there were a blade to my throat. The roads I have to walk to have her warm flesh against my corpse wind wildly and the lights that are supposed to lead me are blinding. I need a hand in this blinding light to help me stay on course; I can’t do this on my own. Do I pursue the past, or do I move on to the future and keep the fond memories of happiness?

Sleep escapes me nightly. This counts as my third day without sleep. There are sleeping pills I could take, and I suppose any responsible person would take them so they could rest their minds. I am not responsible. The only liquid that will spill down my throat will burn. The only thing I will fill my lungs with will bring me to the most blissful Eden known to man. I don’t want it, I just need it. I’m like the living dead. I can’t believe how hard it’s becoming for me to feel alive. Then again, the drum in my chest would not be mourned when removed from the symphony.

Mae is now four years old. Daddy will never leave you, my angel. I will fight through the battle field for you.

[Augustine Vanburen]

MARCH 10, 12:43 AM

Going to listen to this song a few (or many) times a day so I won't become encouraged. It helps if I imagine us singing the parts to one another.

"Nothing Better"
The Postal Service

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

I feel I must interject here, you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling, I love you so...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

[Augustine Vanburen]

MARCH 16, 2:31 PM

It’s actually really difficult to get my current feelings out in words, but I suppose I can always try.

Even though I know that it is my own fault, I’ve become extremely lonely. I have no right to complain considering that I did it to myself, but I don’t know…part of me thinks I don’t deserve this, but whatever. Noah is really the only person I have right now, but even he gets sick of me rather quickly. I don’t know. There’s Jeff, but any time I even mention his name, people get annoyed with me even more. It’s like they care enough about me to judge my every action, but not enough to actually talk to me. Everything I do pisses off someone. I could literally sit and stare at a wall and I would be annoying someone. No matter what I do, I can’t get people to just tolerate me and talk to me. I know that I need to change, but I can’t do it on my own, and no one is willing to help me. Everyone just expects me to do it on my own. I don’t know. It just feels like that standing in the middle of a circle, surrounded by people who I’ve crossed, them heavily armed and equipped while I have nothing but a cardboard shield and a stick for a sword, and being told that I have to make it out of the circle alive. I don’t think it’s possible, and it’s completely unfair for people to expect it from me.

Anyways, I’ve been juggling around the idea of taking Mae and moving back to the UK permanently. I used to think that the idea was out of the question due to attachment to people here, but now that I’ve thought about it, the attachment is one sided. I need them more than they need me, so if I left, I don’t think it would bother them as much as I previously thought it would. I don’t know. I’ll make up my mind soon, but moving back to the UK is getting more appealing each day.

[Augustine Vanburen]

APRIL 30, 11:47 PM

I'm going to keep this entry short (text-wise), due to all of the pictures.
BUT!
Today I finished filming my first music video! Nikki and I took pictures, which I'm going to share with all of you because I'm so excited that I might shit myself.
There's 54 pictures in total, sorry about that.
AND THE GUTS WERE REAL ANIMAL GUTS, AUGH.