Inside the newly opened Bar, Felix Dzerzhinsky is labouring over a flaming grill. Burgers, bratwursts and other sausages are being charred to perfection while nearby a hot griddle is being used to prepare grilled cheese sammiches, fried eggs, hash browns and assorted other pub delicacies. Two nearby deep-fryers contain french fries and tater tots. A stove holds two enormous pots containing Felix's speciality: boiled cabbage and carp.

In the corner of the bar, on a small stage, a band of Destructor Bunnies dressed in cowboy hats and Nudie Suits plays a lively little tune.

Felix turns to a nearby Destructor Bunny that has apparently been designated to serve as bartender.

"Comrade Bunny, are you sure you placed enough sawdust on the floor? It looks a bit thin. I expect our patrons to become rowdy at times as they fill themselves with vodka and cabbages."

"CAG!" the Destructor Bunny exclaims.

"What's that? These people prefer beer and whiskey to vodka? And grilled meats to cabbages and carp? Yes, I suppose they are nekulturny but one would think they would know what to consume in a bar. Nevertheless, we must serve what our customers like. Be sure to suggest the cabbages and carp though. I'm sure they will like it if they try it.

Felix looks around the bar.

"Ah, well, it looks like everything is ready. The beer signs are hung, The chicken wire cage surrounds the stage nicely and the wagon-wheel light fixtures are a nice touch. I particularly like the painting of Stalin and Gene Autry side-by-side on horseback behind the bar."

Just then the first customers, a pair of Kennyites, walk in.

"Yee Ha, comrades! Yee ha! Welcome to Felix's Good Ole Downhome Bar and Grill Collective! Come in and make yourselves at home. What can I get for you?"

"Since you recommend it so highly, I'll give your vodka a try," Nikolas says as he approaches the bar. "However, I'm going to have to steer clear of the cabbage for the time being."

"It gives me gas," he admits in a quiet undertone, hoping that no one else is around to hear that confession.

"Tater tots would be excellent, though," he finishes with a smile. "I don't see anyone else around here quite yet, but I'm sure they're all coming. Right?"

The Emperor of Zarquon Froods, The Great Prophet Zarquon along with the Blasted Pirates Foreign Ambassador to Zarquon Froods and former WA Ambassador, Captain, Henry Dawson, pushed open the wooden swing doors where they were immediately greeted by the overwhelming smell of cabbage and carp which made Zarquon faint.

"Arg, Ah've nawt smelled such a wonderful thing in a fortnight." Said Dawson taking in a long whiff of the pungent aroma.

"Can't say as I've ever smelt if b'fore." Zarquon said as he pulled himself up off the floor dusting the sawdust off himself and searching frantically for any piece of cloth that he could cover his nose with.

The two made their way over to the cushioned stools which lined the bar. Dawson elbowed Zarquon and pointed out a tag on one of the cushions that said, "Made in Yelda." They both nodded approvingly at this. As they took their seats at the bar, they looked over at the stage to see the glistening chicken wire which surrounded it, and were amazed at how the Destructor Bunnies could make such jaunty music without so much as moving their hips. Typical of the old style musicians where they were not trying to play.

"CAG!!" Exclaimed the Bunny Bartender while the two were looking the other way, which caused them both to fall to the floor and Dawson to reach for his flintlock and shoot a hole through the bar which did not seem to amuse the bunny.

"Will you put that away!" Shouted Zarquon as he pulled Dawson up off the floor. "You have enough enemies as it is, don't need to be making any more."

"CAG!" The bunny once again demanded.

"Rum." Answered Dawson.

"CAG!"

"Pineapple." He responded. "Don't judge me." He added as Zarquon gave him despondent glance.

"CAG!" The bunny shouted looking at Zarquon.

"Vodka I suppose, do us a favor and throw a spot of tea in there as well. Now there's a good lad."

The bunny went off to fetch the drinks, and the two sat quietly for a moment. Just as Zarquon was about to strike up a conversation a loud noise came from behind them.

"CAG!" The bunny had snuck up behind them with their drinks and upon shouting caused them to once more fall off their stools while Dawson drew his pistol and aimed it at the bunny's head.

'Now now, none of that. Just take the drink and we'll be fine." Zarquon spoke calmy trying to keep from creating an international incident.

"CAG!"

"Ah'll be 'avin' whatever be in that pot that thar scarecrow be stirrin'!" Answered Dawson licking his lips in anticipation.

"CAG!"

"I suppose I'll have a burger. No bun, just smother it with gravy and bury it under fries." Responded Zarquon as Dawson gave him a look similar to the one Zarquon had given him earlier.

"CAG!"

"Medium"

The bunny set off to get the food. Henry and Zarquon eventually settled down. But, every time they would try to start a conversation they would frantically look about them to check and make sure the bunny wasn't trying to sneak up on them. When they finally felt that they were being overly paranoid, Zarquon finally attempted to break the silence.

"I.."

"CAG!" Yelled the bunny from above as it parachuted down from the ceiling with their food in hand. Shocked and amazed, the two looked on somewhat dazed until the bunny dropped the food in front of them. They hadn't eaten in a good while and were ready to devour everything in front of them.

Henry tore in to the plate of cabbage and carp Felix had prepared for him. He was even kind enough to throw in one of the carp heads used for seasoning. Zarquon had grabbed a knife and fork to cut into the mound that encased his burger, but was being distracted by the slurping noised his colleague was making. Once he glanced over and caught sight of the fish head, he'd lost his appetite completely and pushed the plate to the side. Desperately wishing someone else would enter the bar so he wouldn't have to endure this torment alone, he looked to the door as the next patron entered.

Just then the doors swung open and HIH Empress Jhessan Spaulding, and her bodyguard Major Clarissa Gunns walked into the saloon. Major Gunns had her hand on the butt of her CZ-75 pistol as she scanned the patrons. Seeing no threat she gave a brief nod to Her Hottness. Jhessan whispered something to the Major who walked over to the Destructor bunny band, while her Hottness strode to the Bar.

"CAG?!"

"I'd like a Wild Turkey on the rocks.", HIH said to the bunny Bartender.

The bunny band began to play a livey rendition of Bob Wills' San Antonio Rose. Smiling sweetly at Emperor Zaquon and the other patrons, Her Hottness asked,
"Would any of you gentlemen care to dance?"

Susa walked into the newly refurbished saloon, and instantly froze. How the hell had his old nemesis tracked him all the way here? And who did he think he was fooling, masquerading as a cowboy barman? Felix, the most notorious ex-commie in the multiverse? Steady man, steady, he calmly reminded himself. If he was to get out of this one, he'd have to keep his wits about him. He'd also need a disguise.

Quickly he seized one of the bunny waiter's cowboy hats and slipped it onto his own head, adjusting the brim so that it shaded his eyes. "Howdy-howdy, fucking partners!" he greeted one and all in his best mock-Western accent. Beside Susa, his companion for the evening, one of Karmicaria's finest, clung placidly to his arm, smiling politely whenever he cracked a joke, and checking her watch every few minutes. She was being paid by the hour, after all.

"Whyn't you go find us a table?" Susa whispered to her. "I'll deal with this asshole--er, order us some drinks. I'll be right back!" He snuck a glance after her as she walked away.

Cautiously, Susa made his way toward the bar, confident his clever disguise was enough to fool Big Red, but still wary of whatever tricks he might try to pull. "Two Arrogant Bastard Ales, my good man," he whispered lowly, trying to disguise his voice. He thought he caught a suspicious glance out of the corner of Felix's eye, but he wouldn't have much time to think about that, for just then Major Gunns and her rather appetizing rack appeared at his side to order drinks for herself and her charge.

Just moments earlier, Susa had made possibly the wisest decision he'd ever made in his life: he'd avoided an incredibly tempting offer from Empress Jhessan to dance, sparing himself an inevitable walloping from Manuelo Fernanda later. But now, he was about to do something even more stupid.

Deftly he draped his arm over the Major's shoulder and cooed in her ear: "Hey sexy mama, wanna kill all federalists?"

As Zarquon was about to respond to the Empress' request, Henry Dawson broke strayed his concentration from the plate of cabbage and carp to see where the voice had come from. At first sight, he dropped the carp head he had been sucking on from his mouth and ran over Zarquon in a flash to grab a hold of HIH's many assets.

"Dya'know how ta tango?" Dawson asked sweeping the lass of her feet and beating across the room.

"Come back here!" Shouted Zarquon pulling himself to his feet. "We've got pressing matters to discuss about the cooperative efforts of our two nations. Don't make me call the Commodore!" He added but Dawson was lost in HIH's many curvatures.

Felix fetched the Arrogant Bastard Ales for Susa, then went back to polishing the same glass he had been polishing for the past 20 minutes. He watched as the Kennyite walked away and thought to himself "I know that man". He summoned a nearby Destructor Bunny and whispered instructions while keeping one eye on Susa.

"Comrade Bunny, I cannot be certain, but I believe that is the terrorist Susa Batko-Yovino. Leave quietly, without drawing attention to yourself. Go unchain Mister Jones and bring him here. I am not sure if it really is Susa, but Jonesey will know. He never forgets a smell."

Being Jhessan's bodygaurd had given Major Gunns many experiences over the years. unfortunely most of the unpleasent ones dealt with Kennyites. From Ace and Rico's reefer madness, to Manuelo and Jhessan's notorious incident in the WA's 18th floor Women's bathroom, to now being hit on by a X-Tap wannabe jihadist. Sighing, she turned her head to Susa, and gave him a glare that spoke eloquently of impending doom as she said coldly,

"You know, the last person who put their arm around me like that is now wearing orthopedic shirts."