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Well my two good days in a row just went down the toilet. Warning: Some if not all may find this a petty, bitchy narcissist rant. The Miss Almighty God Of Everything that is my mother seems to have given it that label so it MUUUUST be right since she's so HIGGGH AND MIGHTYYYY, huh? WARNING THAT LONG RANT IS LONG.
This is one of those times when I wish I could fly away and leave the whole damn world behind. I don't even remember the time I felt THIS fucked-up.
I woke up in a bad mood today. Not a good sign. The reason: My dad said he would take me to get the material I need to fix my Songstress Dressphere, which I messed up on waaaay back in late October. This sphere would have been done by now if both parental units but mostly my mother hadn't been so stubborn, for we were already set to go get said materials waaaaay back on November 9, but my parents decided we didn't need to go that day. Well, an unfinished, un-worked-on Songstress sphere was finally driving my brain wild, so on Tuesday I asked my dad if we could please, PLEASE go get the material for that today. And he said it was fine.
Well, Dad caught a cold which got worse, and so therefore no Songstress sphere fixings for me. Now I cannot blame my dad for it...it's not his fault he got a cold. But I have every right to still be quite sad over the fact that this whole FF cosplay dream is NOT turning out the way I hoped it would. So feeling hopeless, I go downstairs to get breakfast.
Mom yells to me about "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A WARMER SHIRT IT'S WINTERTIME." Now....I am despairing here, and my mom will NOT shut up, and I am getting quite aggravated...so I cannot help but say
"I will get a warmer shirt when I FIX my FF OUTFITS." (Hey, some of those things look dead warm. Look at the White Mage sphere for Gods sake)
Now, I am expecting mom to yell at me for being a bit of a smartass, but she doesn't yell at me for that: she yells at me because I mentioned the FF outfits.
She starts yelling at me about how I'm too obsessed, and how I'm crazy and selfish, and not listening to my side of the story, and butchering my roots and my bonds, and generally making me look like the piece of dirt I probably look like to everyone else. She even said "I'm going to take you to a mental institution so you can see what it's going to be like."...
Well my microwave is beeping, I'm tired of yelling at her, I retrieve my food and go upstairs pissed as all fuck and ranting at Elena, who suggests finding a cheap Songstress sphere on the Internet that maybe I could buy after all this other buying is out of the way (I have been making my parents spend far too much money @_@), so I look, and the only one I can find would tower over a hundred dollars, and after all the spending I've been doing I really can't chance anything of that price for a LONG time, and I do wish to have my Songstress sphere for the talent show at school.
I go downstairs to put my dishes in the sink, and when I pour my milk out it EXPLODES. Now, though I wouldn't have accepted this at the time, I do realize that it was in fact an accident. But after all that'd happened this morning, I also do realize that at the time, I was completely satisfied with the results of my accident.
Mom starts calling me a bitch, and starts yelling at me again like I am dirt. And quite frankly I am starting to fucking agree with her.
What Mom said this morning made me wonder some things, like why it made me just....BURN....when I heard her talk about how I'm crazy and too obsessed and going to end up in the loony bin and all that. And why it made me just....BURN...that my cosplay isn't turning out the way I hoped it would. And it still makes me BURN, but I keep thinking: should I really be BURNing? Over cosplay?
I really, really had such big dreams with this cosplay thing, but if I can't even finish a simple Songstress sphere, what's gonna happen when it's time to move on to that intricate white fluffy thing from FFX? Or those wild color swirls in that Black Mage Dressphere? Secondly, why is it so IMPORTANT to me that I do this? Somehow it gives me a sense of belonging. A sense of knowing who I am. A sense of purpose in my existence. A sense of being...not dirt. But it really makes me wonder...is all this really worth all this....aggravation?
Thanks for listening, despite my pettiness and the length. It's okay if you think I'm a selfish bitch for ranting about this, or if you think I'm abusing my title. It's pretty much what I'm thinking about myself right now either. Even Tifa is wondering why I am getting so worked-up over this. *sigh*
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 Jill <3 ~THE FF AND KH FAN EXTRAORDINAIRE~Avatar is kinda how I feel right now. STARRY LOVES HER GUARDIANS WITH ALL HER HEART <3 "Some things can only be conveyed through battle"-Talim, Soul Calibur III Why did I still have the thing about the gap up here? xD ~Believe in my Zanarkand~
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