Daily Jokes Thread

[GiGi]

Joke of the Day

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.


His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesnīt it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on Godīs right hand!"

Daily Quip

"I can't cook. I use the smoke alarm as a timer."
- Carol Siskind

[Lisa1969]

lol good one GiGi

[peggy]

lol lol lol

I love it GIGI

[GiGi]

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...

Daily Quip
"I take my exercise acting as pallbearer at funerals of those who exercised regularly."
- Mark Twain

[spice]

lol

[spice]

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[Joan]

lol Yes Spice , That is a good one

[spice]

lol, i must remember to add to this, as i have tons of them.
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[spice]

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[spice]

Abort, Retry, Ignore

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat here doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "save" command
But got instead a reprimand: it read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion?
Some manacal type intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.

Carefully I weighed my options...
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one; choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored

Praying for some guarantee,
Finally I pressed a key.
But what on the screen did I see? Again "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard,
But luck was just not on the cards, I saw what I had seen before.

Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
By my own machine accosted
getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw an awful sight
A bold and blinding flash of light
A lightening bolt that cut the night, and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died.
"OH NO! MY DATABASE!" I cried.
I heard a distant voice reply, "You'll see your spreadsheets...nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes.
perhaps it goes to heaven, where the angels have it stored.
But as for Productivity, well,
I fear this has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell - your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

[spice]

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[spice]

Rejected Greeting Cards

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

[spice]

Wireless is Like a Cat

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein

[spice]

Yellow Teeth

Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"

Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

[spice]

Perestroika

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."