Joke Corner

Post any joke (clean ones) here,my joke:-

An old man went to the bikers bar and saw two leather clad bikers with hairs sprouting through the seams and asked:-

Old man;- Which one of you own the doberman tied to the parking
meter orside?

Biker;- That my dog,why?
Old man;- Your dog has been killed by my dog
Biker;- Good grief,what kind of dog do you have?
Old man;- Five week old female puppy
Biker;- How the heck did your puppy killed my doberman?
Oldman;- Eerrm,your doberman may have.....choked on my puppy

Thankyou ccuuttiieex. We need a thread like this.

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Aaron !
Aaron who !
Aaron on the side of caution!

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ear !
Ear who ?
Ear you are, I've been looking for you !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ears !
Ears who ?
Ears looking at you !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Waddle !
Waddle who ?
Waddle you give me if I go away !

LOL

Penquin;- Have you seen my dad?
Bartender;- Nope.....what does he look like

*groan*



An inflatable boy goes to an inflatable school, with inflatable pupils, inflatable classrooms, inflatable furniture, even an inflatable headmaster! EVERYTHING is inflatable.

But one day, the boy was extremely naughty and took a drawing pin into school, and went around popping everything, he popped his pupils, the desks, the teachers he didn't like, even some of the classrooms! Finally a teacher caught him and took him to the inflatable headmasters office.

The inflatable headmaster was steaming mad, and gave the boy a stern telling off. 'I'm very disappointed in you', he said. 'You've let your class down, you've let your teachers down, and worst of all, you've let the school down!

grimfandango

Grandchild: Grandad, do an impression of a frog.

Grandad: Why, love?

Grandchild: Because Mum says that when you croak we're all going to Disneyland.

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage unattended on a train.

It caused a massive insecurity alert.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

Two blondes walk into a building..........
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

I went to see the doctor and I said 'it hurts when I do this' he said 'well don't do it then'

English - Chinese translations

That's not right............Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive...Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP..................Kum Hia

Small Horse..................Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach......Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into the table......Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's Very dark in here........Wao So Dim

I Thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone......No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week.....Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight.........Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his autombile ....Wa Shing Ka

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh-t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a*s*hole and a briefcase.

Question: Which Egyptian king used to lose his temper on the roads?

Answer: Toot-in-car-man.

Counting the Years

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed ...

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed ...

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again ...

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A man goes to the doctor with a hearing problem, doc asks "can you describe the symptoms" man replies "Homer is a big fat yellow man and Marge has blue hair"

Good for a laugh

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like 0umbrellas

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Thanks Rose.

ha - ha

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..

Sorry

No need to say sowwy.

The Cowboy.

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be!