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 The Fairon Chronicles: Review Topic, A BIONICLE Epic
TheSlicer
Posted: Apr 19 2011, 08:17 PM


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 11
Member No.: 5
Joined: 17-April 11



Here you can review my new epic, The Fairon Chronicles. Any and all constructive criticism will be appreciated.
Top
CAT
Posted: Apr 20 2011, 11:24 AM


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Group: Admin
Posts: 226
Member No.: 1
Joined: 12-April 11



Great beginning's for the epics forum! :) I've only read the first chapter so far, but already there's a buildup to a great story. There's only a couple of spelling/grammar errors I found,

QUOTE
Still, he was still certain that he had the upper hand


and

QUOTE
...closed his eyes before the next one could struck


But those are the only ones I caught. The only other thing I'd add is, because you and I are probably the only Bionicle fans in the forum right now, define some of the terms used in the story, like Toa, Matoran, Kanohi, bio, Vortixx, etc.


--------------------
QUOTE (Seer)
In a world of predictability, it is the insane that give one the last glimmers of entertainment.
Top
TheSlicer
Posted: Apr 21 2011, 07:33 PM


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 11
Member No.: 5
Joined: 17-April 11



QUOTE (CAT @ Apr 20 2011, 11:24 AM)
Great beginning's for the epics forum! :) I've only read the first chapter so far, but already there's a buildup to a great story. There's only a couple of spelling/grammar errors I found,

QUOTE
Still, he was still certain that he had the upper hand


and

QUOTE
...closed his eyes before the next one could struck


But those are the only ones I caught. The only other thing I'd add is, because you and I are probably the only Bionicle fans in the forum right now, define some of the terms used in the story, like Toa, Matoran, Kanohi, bio, Vortixx, etc.

Thanks, I hadn't noticed those. I'll go fix 'em now. Also, you misused the apostrophe in the first paragraph... :P
Top
CAT
Posted: Apr 21 2011, 08:03 PM


Mentat


Group: Admin
Posts: 226
Member No.: 1
Joined: 12-April 11



QUOTE (TheSlicer @ Apr 22 2011, 12:33 AM)
QUOTE (CAT @ Apr 20 2011, 11:24 AM)
Great beginning's for the epics forum! :) I've only read the first chapter so far, but already there's a buildup to a great story. There's only a couple of spelling/grammar errors I found,

QUOTE
Still, he was still certain that he had the upper hand


and

QUOTE
...closed his eyes before the next one could struck


But those are the only ones I caught. The only other thing I'd add is, because you and I are probably the only Bionicle fans in the forum right now, define some of the terms used in the story, like Toa, Matoran, Kanohi, bio, Vortixx, etc.

Thanks, I hadn't noticed those. I'll go fix 'em now. Also, you misused the apostrophe in the first paragraph... :P

D'oh! :P


--------------------
QUOTE (Seer)
In a world of predictability, it is the insane that give one the last glimmers of entertainment.
Top
CAT
Posted: May 19 2011, 09:09 PM


Mentat


Group: Admin
Posts: 226
Member No.: 1
Joined: 12-April 11



Finally got around to reading the first chapter. I must say, you're quite the writer ;) I could only find one grammatical err:

QUOTE
A pair of precise but powerful slashes that came inches from Dorex's face, which was already half burned away to form a smoking, unrecognizable visage


The sentence isn't overall too bad, but I'd make it a bit more clear, since as it is it's a bit fragmented. I'd add a "There came a" or something like that to the beginning.

Also, I wanted to ask: is the story based in the official Bionicle canon, only in the future? Or is it an alternate universe?


--------------------
QUOTE (Seer)
In a world of predictability, it is the insane that give one the last glimmers of entertainment.
Top
TheSlicer
Posted: May 23 2011, 12:02 AM


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 11
Member No.: 5
Joined: 17-April 11



QUOTE (CAT @ May 19 2011, 09:09 PM)
Finally got around to reading the first chapter. I must say, you're quite the writer ;) I could only find one grammatical err:

QUOTE
A pair of precise but powerful slashes that came inches from Dorex's face, which was already half burned away to form a smoking, unrecognizable visage


The sentence isn't overall too bad, but I'd make it a bit more clear, since as it is it's a bit fragmented. I'd add a "There came a" or something like that to the beginning.

Also, I wanted to ask: is the story based in the official Bionicle canon, only in the future? Or is it an alternate universe?

It's set in an alternate universe. Teridax was killed in the Great Cataclysm, the mask of time lost. The Metru Nui Matoran remain on the island, though have since made a colony on the island of Mata Nui; however, Vakama is killed, leaving Dume and the rest of the Metru to lead as Turaga, though all save Matau and Whenua were killed in an "incident" some years prior to the story.

The Brotherhood of Makuta, denying any involvement in the Cataclysm, has managed to keep the universe in an uneasy peace for the last thousand years, though rival factions have been popping up left and right. Recently, tensions erupted to cause a major battle on the island of Xia, which the Order was involved in. Now certain of the presence of another major power in the universe, the Brotherhood begins to seek them out, unaware that the Order of Darkness may potentially be the greater threat.

PS: Please be advised that I'm currently in a major revision of chapters one through five, so I've taken 'em down. Sorry, guys.

PPS: Shouldn't this be moved to the fanfics section?
Top
CAT
Posted: May 23 2011, 08:57 AM


Mentat


Group: Admin
Posts: 226
Member No.: 1
Joined: 12-April 11



QUOTE (TheSlicer @ May 23 2011, 05:02 AM)
QUOTE (CAT @ May 19 2011, 09:09 PM)
Finally got around to reading the first chapter. I must say, you're quite the writer ;) I could only find one grammatical err:

QUOTE
A pair of precise but powerful slashes that came inches from Dorex's face, which was already half burned away to form a smoking, unrecognizable visage


The sentence isn't overall too bad, but I'd make it a bit more clear, since as it is it's a bit fragmented. I'd add a "There came a" or something like that to the beginning.

Also, I wanted to ask: is the story based in the official Bionicle canon, only in the future? Or is it an alternate universe?

It's set in an alternate universe. Teridax was killed in the Great Cataclysm, the mask of time lost. The Metru Nui Matoran remain on the island, though have since made a colony on the island of Mata Nui; however, Vakama is killed, leaving Dume and the rest of the Metru to lead as Turaga, though all save Matau and Whenua were killed in an "incident" some years prior to the story.

The Brotherhood of Makuta, denying any involvement in the Cataclysm, has managed to keep the universe in an uneasy peace for the last thousand years, though rival factions have been popping up left and right. Recently, tensions erupted to cause a major battle on the island of Xia, which the Order was involved in. Now certain of the presence of another major power in the universe, the Brotherhood begins to seek them out, unaware that the Order of Darkness may potentially be the greater threat.

PS: Please be advised that I'm currently in a major revision of chapters one through five, so I've taken 'em down. Sorry, guys.

PPS: Shouldn't this be moved to the fanfics section?

Ah, ok. I wasn't sure because things seemed a bit futuristic.

That's ok, too. Just remember to post them back up once you're done :P

Because of the nature of this story, it could fit in either forum. It really depends on which one you want it to be in.


--------------------
QUOTE (Seer)
In a world of predictability, it is the insane that give one the last glimmers of entertainment.
Top
TheSlicer
Posted: May 30 2011, 03:32 PM


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 11
Member No.: 5
Joined: 17-April 11



QUOTE (CAT @ May 23 2011, 08:57 AM)
QUOTE (TheSlicer @ May 23 2011, 05:02 AM)
QUOTE (CAT @ May 19 2011, 09:09 PM)
Finally got around to reading the first chapter. I must say, you're quite the writer ;) I could only find one grammatical err:

QUOTE
A pair of precise but powerful slashes that came inches from Dorex's face, which was already half burned away to form a smoking, unrecognizable visage


The sentence isn't overall too bad, but I'd make it a bit more clear, since as it is it's a bit fragmented. I'd add a "There came a" or something like that to the beginning.

Also, I wanted to ask: is the story based in the official Bionicle canon, only in the future? Or is it an alternate universe?

It's set in an alternate universe. Teridax was killed in the Great Cataclysm, the mask of time lost. The Metru Nui Matoran remain on the island, though have since made a colony on the island of Mata Nui; however, Vakama is killed, leaving Dume and the rest of the Metru to lead as Turaga, though all save Matau and Whenua were killed in an "incident" some years prior to the story.

The Brotherhood of Makuta, denying any involvement in the Cataclysm, has managed to keep the universe in an uneasy peace for the last thousand years, though rival factions have been popping up left and right. Recently, tensions erupted to cause a major battle on the island of Xia, which the Order was involved in. Now certain of the presence of another major power in the universe, the Brotherhood begins to seek them out, unaware that the Order of Darkness may potentially be the greater threat.

PS: Please be advised that I'm currently in a major revision of chapters one through five, so I've taken 'em down. Sorry, guys.

PPS: Shouldn't this be moved to the fanfics section?

Ah, ok. I wasn't sure because things seemed a bit futuristic.

That's ok, too. Just remember to post them back up once you're done :P

Because of the nature of this story, it could fit in either forum. It really depends on which one you want it to be in.

I'd prefer it in the fanfic section. And yes, it's meant to be rather futuristic; it's a sci-fi story after all.

BTW, I've taken down the prologue for temporary revision. I'll have the new chapters up later, so please don't delete my earlier posts.
Top
CAT
Posted: May 30 2011, 03:35 PM


Mentat


Group: Admin
Posts: 226
Member No.: 1
Joined: 12-April 11



QUOTE (TheSlicer @ May 30 2011, 08:32 PM)
QUOTE (CAT @ May 23 2011, 08:57 AM)
QUOTE (TheSlicer @ May 23 2011, 05:02 AM)
QUOTE (CAT @ May 19 2011, 09:09 PM)
Finally got around to reading the first chapter. I must say, you're quite the writer ;) I could only find one grammatical err:

QUOTE
A pair of precise but powerful slashes that came inches from Dorex's face, which was already half burned away to form a smoking, unrecognizable visage


The sentence isn't overall too bad, but I'd make it a bit more clear, since as it is it's a bit fragmented. I'd add a "There came a" or something like that to the beginning.

Also, I wanted to ask: is the story based in the official Bionicle canon, only in the future? Or is it an alternate universe?

It's set in an alternate universe. Teridax was killed in the Great Cataclysm, the mask of time lost. The Metru Nui Matoran remain on the island, though have since made a colony on the island of Mata Nui; however, Vakama is killed, leaving Dume and the rest of the Metru to lead as Turaga, though all save Matau and Whenua were killed in an "incident" some years prior to the story.

The Brotherhood of Makuta, denying any involvement in the Cataclysm, has managed to keep the universe in an uneasy peace for the last thousand years, though rival factions have been popping up left and right. Recently, tensions erupted to cause a major battle on the island of Xia, which the Order was involved in. Now certain of the presence of another major power in the universe, the Brotherhood begins to seek them out, unaware that the Order of Darkness may potentially be the greater threat.

PS: Please be advised that I'm currently in a major revision of chapters one through five, so I've taken 'em down. Sorry, guys.

PPS: Shouldn't this be moved to the fanfics section?

Ah, ok. I wasn't sure because things seemed a bit futuristic.

That's ok, too. Just remember to post them back up once you're done :P

Because of the nature of this story, it could fit in either forum. It really depends on which one you want it to be in.

I'd prefer it in the fanfic section. And yes, it's meant to be rather futuristic; it's a sci-fi story after all.

BTW, I've taken down the prologue for temporary revision. I'll have the new chapters up later, so please don't delete my earlier posts.

Oh, no problem :) If you want, I can transfer both topics to the fan fiction section right now.


--------------------
QUOTE (Seer)
In a world of predictability, it is the insane that give one the last glimmers of entertainment.
Top
TheSlicer
Posted: May 31 2011, 11:19 AM


Member


Group: Members
Posts: 11
Member No.: 5
Joined: 17-April 11



Could you do that, please? Thanks.
Top
CAT
Posted: May 31 2011, 11:27 AM


Mentat


Group: Admin
Posts: 226
Member No.: 1
Joined: 12-April 11



QUOTE (TheSlicer @ May 31 2011, 11:19 AM)
Could you do that, please? Thanks.

OK, no problem ;)


Moving...


--------------------
QUOTE (Seer)
In a world of predictability, it is the insane that give one the last glimmers of entertainment.
Top
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