Amaria : Candidate : Female

username
Lynn


Character Number
1st

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Name of Character
Amaria

Age
16

Gender
Female

Sexuality
Heterosexual

Appearance:

(just like her but the out fit is way off Amaria will never have something like that on)

Amaria is always small for her age. She has long Dark Honey Suckle color hair that she keeps up in a bun almost all the time. She is about 5’5” if not an inch or two taller. Her weight it about 118 lb .Amaria has small round color eyes. Also she has small lips, pointed chin. Amaria nose is some what smooshed in for she was hit it the nose when she was younger.


Personality:
Amaria is always happy and loves to be around people. She is ever bubbly sometimes depending on who is around. One thing that she cannot stand is being around a person who is sad or depressed, Amaria will do everything in her power to try and make that person happy. Whenever she is mad she will do her best to play it off as if nothing is wrong with her. But Amaria knows when to control herself and not be bubbly.

Around people she does not know she will be shy and quit until she knows them. Also she likes to be alone more then have people around her. Amaria watches out for her friends as best as she can. She is not afraid to speak her mind to people, but will watch how she says it to them. Amaria tries to make everyone happy.
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History:
Amaria is one only child of Daren and Hope of a Hold. They died when she was ever young from fever. The three of them traveled to Iayla Hold to be saved from their old hold Lord who was selfish. For he didn't care about the the people he was holding. He was abuvise to the men that worked in the fields. The holder took ever young girl to his bed. That was one reason why her parents fled for Iayla Hold.

A family that was in Barlyn Hold around the time that her parents died. They took her in and cared for her as if she was their child. That family were running breeder that supplied the holds with Runners. Amaria traveled to the weyr in hope of becoming a dragon rider, for she could not see her self doing what the family did.

Location: None


Status:
Fighting fit

Rank:
Candidate

Pet(s):
None at this time

This post has been edited by Lynn on Jul 5 2010, 09:38 PM

Her title should be her character name, not your username: Amaria : Candidate : Female; and at the top where you've put your username in bold, that should say Username with your username in italics below if rather then Amaria's name.

There are a few things in her appearance I don't quite get:

Many times you say she's small for her age, but then say she's taller?

The first sentence makes very little sense to me, and half the second is just a repeat of the first (I think). Could you elaborate slightly? Is she mainly leg, does she have any specific features, what is her facial structure, eye colour, etc. Her description mainly tells you that she is merely skinny.

Personality wise you use the word 'ever' in places that does make too much sense. 'Amaria is forever happy' would make more sense, and something similar in the second sentence as well.

Quite a lot of what you've written contradicts itself.

You say she loves to be around people, but then say that she'd rather be alone. You also say things like 'she's always bubbly' but then 'knows when not to be'. Does this mean she controls herself and acts quiet when she needs to?

In her history there's a couple of wording mistakes: "They dead" should be they're dead, or they died, "The three of they" the three of them, "Layla" Iayla, "The family was the running breeder that supplied the holds with Runners" The family were runner breeders that supplied the hold with runners (as Runner with a capital R is a messenger).

I also don't quite understand it. You say that the three of them travelled to the Weyr, but they lived at a Hold throughout the rest of her history. Also, how was the Lord Holder selfish? I think there was some RPing there in the past, with the Lord Holder, so it might be best to not mention that too in depth. A Iayla does not do Queen Searches as far as I am aware, if you wish for her to be a Queen only candidate, I suggest you PM Ev or Thia to discuss it over with them.

I'm terribly sorry if any of this is harsh, I really am! Let me know if you think I've gone too far.

Thank you for going over and looking back at what i typed, for i was not thinking about what i was typing.

Let me know when you've made the corrections!

There are still a couple of mistakes with the way you've worded things: "Amaria is ever small"; "Amaria is ever happy"; "She is ever bubbly" I think you mean always, rather than ever. And her nose would not be "swoosed"but "smooshed". And do you mean that the end is slightly upturned? Or that the bridge of her nose is bent in slightly, possibly broken at some point when she was hit in the face. Her her personality it would be nice to know if holding back her anger ever affects her, but you don't have to add that if you don't want to.

Again, I still think it might be better if you changed the Hold to a minor Hold, you don't have to name it, or ytou can make up a name for it. And the sentence are a little choppy, and some are worded wrong. Mainly mistakes with tenses. "They dead" should be they "died"; "abuse" should be "abusive" when used in that way.

"That family was the running breeder that supplied the holds with Runners." - this sentence in particular. "The family were runner breeders that supplied the Holds with runners" might make more sense.

It's much easier to read now, though! She's looking really nice! Get those little things fixed and she's good to go.

ok think I fixed it all