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 Jokes, LOL
Gamer709
Posted: Mar 27 2008, 09:25 PM


Advanced Administrator


Group: Members
Posts: 401
Member No.: 16
Joined: 11-January 08



Come on, how long has it been scince we've heard a good joke around here?
Well, anyway i thought i'd start a thread on jokes, i only have 1 rule-

NO Preverted Jokes

I mean, some jokes may be nasty, but to an extent, just know when to stop; Don't cross the line

Soooo, now that we're all clear i'll start us off. tongue.gif

The Sherlock Homes Camping Trip Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"


And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” laugh.gif

Three Old Men

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday." ... laugh.gif

Hitman Joke

Once there was a man whose name was Arty. Arty was a hitman, but was very bad at his job. one day his boss called him in for a meeting. “Arty,”he said,”you have not been very good for us, and i think it is time for you to leave.” He was going to fire Arty. But the young, inexperienced mercenary begged his boss to give him just one more job. “I’ll even do it for a dollar, a simple dollar!” he said. So, upon hearing his wishes, his boss gave him a picture of a man and told Arti that he was his new victim. Arti, being Arti, was thrilled to have another job. The next day, Arti just happened to run across his victim, and began to stalk him. Unfortunately for Arti, the man went into a Supermarket, which he followed him into. for a long time, the hitman followed his victim as he put food items in his cart. finally, the man entered an aisle that had no one it it, and Arti made a move. He reached for his gun, but- he must have left it at home! he did not have it! of course, this is never good for a mercenary. Arti was left with only one choice: choking the man to death. so that he did, but right as he finished, another man had entered the aisle, and Arti was forced to choke him, too. by that time, a third man had run off and alerted the manager who had called the police, who had come and arrested Arti. The next day, the paper came out, broadcasting Arti’s crime. Arti himself was pleased because he got the frontpage story. but little did he know that very little people read his tragic story because, accidenly, the headline read; “Artichokes Two For a Dollar at Supermarket”

Execution Joke

There are 3 people who commited a crime, now they're to be executed by a gun.
The first guy comes to the stage. "Any last words?", the executioner asks "Tornado!!" The first guy cries. Everybody turns around and he gets away.
The 2nd guy comes to the stage. "any last words?" the executioner asks "Hurricane!!!" the second guy cries. Everyone turns around and the guy gets away. The 3rd guy comes to the stage "Any last words?" The executioner asks
The guy replies "Fire!!"

Lawyer Joke

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.”

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.”

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

The Model and the Economic

An economist and a model are sitting next to each other on a long flight from VAN to TOR. The economist leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The model just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The economist persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The economist, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!" figuring that since she is a model that he will easily win the match.

This catches the model's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The economist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The model doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the economist.

Now, it's the model's turn. She asks the economist "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The economist looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the model and hands her $500. The model politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The economist, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the model and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the model reaches into her purse, hands the economist $5, and goes back to sleep.



--------------------
Points:

user posted image
"I will go" by Starfield

The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
Top
Wingman
Posted: Mar 28 2008, 03:28 PM


I'm better than you. That's all I know.


Group: Admin
Posts: 2,439
Member No.: 14
Joined: 11-January 08



That Sherlock Holmes one is great. I've heard it before. OK, my turn:

A Japanese, a Mexican, and an American were on a plane that was in flight, and they open the door. The Japanese man takes a pair of chopsticks and throws them out of the plane, saying, "We have too many of these in my country!". The Mexican takes a pair of maracas and throws them out of the plane, saying, "We have too many of these in my country!". The American grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane, saying, "We have too many of these in my country!"

A recent poll showed that 95% of Americans said "Oh crap" when they were about to hit a deer. The other 5% were Pennsylvanians, and they said, "Oh crap, hold my beer."

Pennsylvanians, you gotta love us.


--------------------
"Never in the course of human history has so much been owed by so many to so few."- Winston Churchill, commenting on the heroic struggles of the RAF against the German Luftwaffe.

----
I don't smoke, I don't chew... and I don't date girls who do.

----

War produces classic remarks by military commanders; on February 26, 1991, the US 1st Armored Division, the famous Big Red One, encountered the allegedly elite Iraqi Republican Guard. The divisional commander, Major General Ronald Griffiths, radioed his deputy, who was riding with the armored spearhead. "I understand we are engaging the Medina Division?" he said, referring to one of the crack Iraqi Guard divisions. "Negative, sir," came the reply. "We are destroying the Medina Division."
Great proof that despite their quantity, the Soviet tanks that NATO planners feared above all else could be shredded by the M1 Abrams, Challenger 2, Leopard 2, LeClerc, Ariete, and Merkava with ease. Patton would be proud.

Top
Gamer709
Posted: Apr 16 2008, 11:57 PM


Advanced Administrator


Group: Members
Posts: 401
Member No.: 16
Joined: 11-January 08



Heaven Joke

Leanardo Da Vinci dies and goes up to Heaven and says “I am Leanardo Da Vinci.” The gate keeper says “A lot of people want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you. Invent something.” Da Vinci did, and the gate keeper said “You pass.” Then Pablo Picaso dies and goes up to Heaven and says ” I am Pablo Picaso.” The gate keeper says “A lot of people want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you. Paint me a picture.” Picaso did, and the gate keeper said “You pass.” Then George Bush (our current president) dies and goes to Heaven. The gate keeper says “Some people really want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you, like I did to Pablo Picaso and Leanardo Da Vinci. Bush says, “Who are they?” and the gate keeper says “You Pass.”



--------------------
Points:

user posted image
"I will go" by Starfield

The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
Top
super_wolverine_Man
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 12:04 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



Joke with no title


there was a guy who was telling a joke...and people laughed .....really hard biggrin.gif


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
boston_celtics
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 02:13 AM


The Bobby Fischer of the CBUB


Group: Members
Posts: 233
Member No.: 22
Joined: 14-January 08



A woman died and went to heaven. When she got there, she saw billions and billions of clocks. She asked St. Peter.

Woman: Excuse me, but what are all these clocks for?

St. Peter: There is one clock here for every person on Earth. Everytime that person lies, his clock moves one second.

He shows her some clocks. Mother Teresa's clock had not moved at all, and Lincoln's clock had only moved 5 minutes.

St. Peter: Anymore questions?

The woman thought and asked.

Woman: May I see the clock of my husband?

St. Peter checks his notes and tells her,

St. Peter: I'm sorry, but God is using it as an electric fan.

NEXT.


There were three guys passing through a park (number one, number two and a third one who can be anyone you want. Let's call him, Bob) when suddenly, an angel appeared before them.

Angel: Beware! There are many ducks in this park. If you step on a duck, you shall be chained to the ugliest, dumbest, most despicable person you have ever met!

The first guy passed through and he stepped on a duck, and he got chained and he dissapeared. The second guy passed and stepped on a duck, and he too was chained.

Bob passed through the park, and he didn't step on a duck! When he reached the end, he was chained to the hottest and smartest woman he could ever have imagined.

Bob: I'm so lucky! What did I do to deserve this?

Woman: I don't know, all I did was step on a duck.

More to come if I can remember them.


--------------------
"History does nothing; it does not possess immense riches, it does not fight battles. It is men, real, living, who do all this."

-Karl Marx

Two words are enough!

BEAT L.A.
Top
Guardian Of Nesh
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 02:55 AM


Unregistered









Three guys are in a plane and they crashland in the jungle and are captured by the hostile natives. They are then brought before the chief.
Cheif: We're going to give you a test and if pass you live; go gather ten of your favorite fruit. So the first guy comes back with 10 apples. The test is then revealed to be getting those 10 fruit pieces shoved up your butt without showing emotion. The first guy gets to the third apple before he winces in pain and is killed.

The second guy comes with ten berries. Eight... nine, he's almost home free when he bursts out laughing and is killed.

The first guy meets the second guy in heaven and askes what happed.

Second guy: I saw the third guy coming down the path with ten pineappes.
Top
Wingman
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 12:38 PM


I'm better than you. That's all I know.


Group: Admin
Posts: 2,439
Member No.: 14
Joined: 11-January 08



QUOTE (Gamer709 @ Apr 16 2008, 07:57 PM)
Heaven Joke

Leanardo Da Vinci dies and goes up to Heaven and says “I am Leanardo Da Vinci.” The gate keeper says “A lot of people want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you. Invent something.” Da Vinci did, and the gate keeper said “You pass.” Then Pablo Picaso dies and goes up to Heaven and says ” I am Pablo Picaso.” The gate keeper says “A lot of people want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you. Paint me a picture.” Picaso did, and the gate keeper said “You pass.” Then George Bush (our current president) dies and goes to Heaven. The gate keeper says “Some people really want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you, like I did to Pablo Picaso and Leanardo Da Vinci. Bush says, “Who are they?” and the gate keeper says “You Pass.”

That's funny, but I resent how, just because he's from Texas, people think he's dumb.


--------------------
"Never in the course of human history has so much been owed by so many to so few."- Winston Churchill, commenting on the heroic struggles of the RAF against the German Luftwaffe.

----
I don't smoke, I don't chew... and I don't date girls who do.

----

War produces classic remarks by military commanders; on February 26, 1991, the US 1st Armored Division, the famous Big Red One, encountered the allegedly elite Iraqi Republican Guard. The divisional commander, Major General Ronald Griffiths, radioed his deputy, who was riding with the armored spearhead. "I understand we are engaging the Medina Division?" he said, referring to one of the crack Iraqi Guard divisions. "Negative, sir," came the reply. "We are destroying the Medina Division."
Great proof that despite their quantity, the Soviet tanks that NATO planners feared above all else could be shredded by the M1 Abrams, Challenger 2, Leopard 2, LeClerc, Ariete, and Merkava with ease. Patton would be proud.

Top
Wingman
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 12:39 PM


I'm better than you. That's all I know.


Group: Admin
Posts: 2,439
Member No.: 14
Joined: 11-January 08



QUOTE (boston_celtics @ Apr 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
A woman died and went to heaven. When she got there, she saw billions and billions of clocks. She asked St. Peter.

Woman: Excuse me, but what are all these clocks for?

St. Peter: There is one clock here for every person on Earth. Everytime that person lies, his clock moves one second.

He shows her some clocks. Mother Teresa's clock had not moved at all, and Lincoln's clock had only moved 5 minutes.

St. Peter: Anymore questions?

The woman thought and asked.

Woman: May I see the clock of my husband?

St. Peter checks his notes and tells her,

St. Peter: I'm sorry, but God is using it as an electric fan.

NEXT.


There were three guys passing through a park (number one, number two and a third one who can be anyone you want. Let's call him, Bob) when suddenly, an angel appeared before them.

Angel: Beware! There are many ducks in this park. If you step on a duck, you shall be chained to the ugliest, dumbest, most despicable person you have ever met!

The first guy passed through and he stepped on a duck, and he got chained and he dissapeared. The second guy passed and stepped on a duck, and he too was chained.

Bob passed through the park, and he didn't step on a duck! When he reached the end, he was chained to the hottest and smartest woman he could ever have imagined.

Bob: I'm so lucky! What did I do to deserve this?

Woman: I don't know, all I did was step on a duck.

More to come if I can remember them.

The first one is hilarious, the second one, meh.


--------------------
"Never in the course of human history has so much been owed by so many to so few."- Winston Churchill, commenting on the heroic struggles of the RAF against the German Luftwaffe.

----
I don't smoke, I don't chew... and I don't date girls who do.

----

War produces classic remarks by military commanders; on February 26, 1991, the US 1st Armored Division, the famous Big Red One, encountered the allegedly elite Iraqi Republican Guard. The divisional commander, Major General Ronald Griffiths, radioed his deputy, who was riding with the armored spearhead. "I understand we are engaging the Medina Division?" he said, referring to one of the crack Iraqi Guard divisions. "Negative, sir," came the reply. "We are destroying the Medina Division."
Great proof that despite their quantity, the Soviet tanks that NATO planners feared above all else could be shredded by the M1 Abrams, Challenger 2, Leopard 2, LeClerc, Ariete, and Merkava with ease. Patton would be proud.

Top
Wingman
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 12:40 PM


I'm better than you. That's all I know.


Group: Admin
Posts: 2,439
Member No.: 14
Joined: 11-January 08



QUOTE (Guardian Of Nesh @ Apr 16 2008, 10:55 PM)
Three guys are in a plane and they crashland in the jungle and are captured by the hostile natives. They are then brought before the chief.
Cheif: We're going to give you a test and if pass you live; go gather ten of your favorite fruit. So the first guy comes back with 10 apples. The test is then revealed to be getting those 10 fruit pieces shoved up your butt without showing emotion. The first guy gets to the third apple before he winces in pain and is killed.

The second guy comes with ten berries. Eight... nine, he's almost home free when he bursts out laughing and is killed.

The first guy meets the second guy in heaven and askes what happed.

Second guy: I saw the third guy coming down the path with ten pineappes.

That's perfect. Just PERFECT.


--------------------
"Never in the course of human history has so much been owed by so many to so few."- Winston Churchill, commenting on the heroic struggles of the RAF against the German Luftwaffe.

----
I don't smoke, I don't chew... and I don't date girls who do.

----

War produces classic remarks by military commanders; on February 26, 1991, the US 1st Armored Division, the famous Big Red One, encountered the allegedly elite Iraqi Republican Guard. The divisional commander, Major General Ronald Griffiths, radioed his deputy, who was riding with the armored spearhead. "I understand we are engaging the Medina Division?" he said, referring to one of the crack Iraqi Guard divisions. "Negative, sir," came the reply. "We are destroying the Medina Division."
Great proof that despite their quantity, the Soviet tanks that NATO planners feared above all else could be shredded by the M1 Abrams, Challenger 2, Leopard 2, LeClerc, Ariete, and Merkava with ease. Patton would be proud.

Top
DataSnake
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 12:41 PM


Emperor of Mankind


Group: Members
Posts: 487
Member No.: 9
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (Wingman @ Apr 17 2008, 12:38 PM)
QUOTE (Gamer709 @ Apr 16 2008, 07:57 PM)
Heaven Joke

Leanardo Da Vinci dies and goes up to Heaven and says “I am Leanardo Da Vinci.” The gate keeper says “A lot of people want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you. Invent something.” Da Vinci did, and the gate keeper said “You pass.” Then Pablo Picaso dies and goes up to Heaven and says ” I am Pablo Picaso.” The gate keeper says “A lot of people want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you. Paint me a picture.” Picaso did, and the gate keeper said “You pass.” Then George Bush (our current president) dies and goes to Heaven. The gate keeper says “Some people really want to be you, so i’ll give you a test to see if it’s really you, like I did to Pablo Picaso and Leanardo Da Vinci. Bush says, “Who are they?” and the gate keeper says “You Pass.”

That's funny, but I resent how, just because he's from Texas, people think he's dumb.

No, it's because of how he ACTS that people think he's dumb.


--------------------
Points:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Top
Wingman
Posted: Apr 17 2008, 12:45 PM


I'm better than you. That's all I know.


Group: Admin
Posts: 2,439
Member No.: 14
Joined: 11-January 08



A pastor went to the house of an elderly member of his congregation. They discussed spiritual matters, and the pastor saw a bowl of peanuts sitting on the coffee table. "Do you mind?", asked the pastor. "Not at all", the elderly women said. So they continued to talk for quite a while, and the pastor kept unknowingly munching away at the peanuts. When they were finally done, the pastor looked down and realized, sheepishly, that he had eaten the entire bowl of peanuts! "I'm so sorry, I accidentally ate all your peanuts without thinking!", he said apologetically. The woman replied, "That's alright, I sucked the chocolate off of them days ago."


--------------------
"Never in the course of human history has so much been owed by so many to so few."- Winston Churchill, commenting on the heroic struggles of the RAF against the German Luftwaffe.

----
I don't smoke, I don't chew... and I don't date girls who do.

----

War produces classic remarks by military commanders; on February 26, 1991, the US 1st Armored Division, the famous Big Red One, encountered the allegedly elite Iraqi Republican Guard. The divisional commander, Major General Ronald Griffiths, radioed his deputy, who was riding with the armored spearhead. "I understand we are engaging the Medina Division?" he said, referring to one of the crack Iraqi Guard divisions. "Negative, sir," came the reply. "We are destroying the Medina Division."
Great proof that despite their quantity, the Soviet tanks that NATO planners feared above all else could be shredded by the M1 Abrams, Challenger 2, Leopard 2, LeClerc, Ariete, and Merkava with ease. Patton would be proud.

Top
Gamer709
Posted: Apr 18 2008, 08:28 PM


Advanced Administrator


Group: Members
Posts: 401
Member No.: 16
Joined: 11-January 08



Blond Joke

No offense to any of u blondes out there.


A blonde, a redhead and a brunette die and end up in hell.
The devil says: i'll allow all of you to go to heaven as long
as you can get up these 100 steps without laughing, as i will be telling jokes.

The redhead goes first, she gets to 50 steps and bursts out laughing and returns to hell
The brunette gets to 75 steps and bursts out laughing and returns to hell.

The blonde gets to 99 steps and bursts out laughing. The devil, in shock, says :What happened? You were so close!

To which the blonde replies: well, i just got the first joke!


--------------------
Points:

user posted image
"I will go" by Starfield

The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
user posted image
Top
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