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 Grano's grades!, Let's add another to the mix
granobulax
Posted: Feb 18 2009, 05:51 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Feb 18 2009, 01:29 AM)
The Tragedy of Bruce Thompson (Bio, Personality, and First Power):

“Sir I can assure you that our services are well worth your contributions. Yes sir, I believe so sir. No sir, you will receive only the finest from us. Yes sir Thank you sir.”
With that last statement Bruce set the phone down with a gentle click. He let out a long sigh as he rubbed his weathered hands over the wiry gray hairs of his shaved head. His scratched, and beaten hardhat rested on a tower of unfinished paper work, sprinkled with a weeks worth of dust, and grime. The office wasn’t much to look at, the dull unfinished wooden floor creaked with every step, and there was room for anything but, a small rickety desk that could have been made by the careless of builders. Bruce didn’t seem to mind though it was the only way that he could finish his job, without having it take the next twelve years of his life.
A few days ago, Bruce met with a very powerful, and perhaps the most dangerous being in Khazan, Mr. Graves. He had heard stories of Mr. Graves’ ventures; how he slaughtered hundreds for the HCE, or his supposed conquest throughout Khazan. However Bruce didn’t have time to follow the advice of old storytellers, and children’s rhymes , there was a multi-billion dollar profit to be made. It had been a very one-sided meeting as Bruce recalls, where Mr. Graves made all of the choices, while he just assured him that investing in Thompson Construction was a smart move.
Prior to the meeting, Bruce wasn’t expecting much. He simply figured that it would be the same type of project as it was with any wealthy individual: a small summer home in the mountains, or another office building. Unfortunately, the build had caused him countless headaches over the past six months. Mr. Graves had demanded a multi-billion dollar military compound. Why? It didn’t matter. Bruce knew better than to question the motives of someone who was willing to pay such a large sum of money.
It wasn’t the size of the build, nor the required secrecy from the Khazanian government that had caused him so much stressed, but the constant interruptions made by Mr. Graves, and those under his jurisdiction. It seemed like whenever his men would get a job done, Graves was there to implement a change, he was a perfectionist in all it’s forms. Nothing seemed to please him; he could always see a mistake…a flaw in their build. Six months, and they had only completed two weeks worth of work. Bruce had lost over a dozen men in that time, and the company was suffering. He couldn’t really blame them for leaving, seeing as that he hadn’t paid them in a month. How could he? The company had been bankrupt for nearly 3 months. Bruce just promised them triple pay whenever someone would ask. At the moment it seemed to be keeping people happy, but he knew that would come back to get him.


Personality:

Bruce stood up slowly, and let out a long yawn as he stretched his sore arms. He took a look around the office; it had been his home for the past half-year. Bruce hadn’t seen his family, in a long time. That’s what hurt him the most; he missed Haylie, and the girls. He missed the late nights watching movies; he missed the laughter… he missed the hugs…the love. This was for them though. Every time he put on his hard hat, or hammered in a nail he imagined how happy his girls would be when he brought home more money than their little heads could imagine. When he finished, the girls would come running to him with big smiles, and tell him how much he loved him. Then Haylie would hold him in her arms, and everything would be all right. They would watch the girls play as they sipped lemonade from the porch of their mansion. They’d grow old together forever walking hand in hand.



Powers:

Sayash (Environmental Awareness)
Bruce took out a reddish-brown bowl from a drawer, and placed it in front of him. The pot was filled with round golden leaves. Bruce paused for a moment as he slowly traced the door to his office, before reaching into his desk for a second time. “Just a bit, then I’ll get rid of it,” he mumbled as he pulled out a small white stone. Taking the stone he began to grind the leaves until they were a pile a pile of golden flakes. Bruce stopped for a moment, as a grin began to form on his lips. “Sayash.” He had spoken under his breath, barely even a whisper. It was doubtful that any mortal being could have heard the ancient word he had heard years ago on the Amazon River. For a few seconds nothing happened, and then a small streak of smoke rose up above the grinded leaves. Bruce slid closer to the bowl, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply. It wasn’t long before the entire room was filled with purple-tinted smoke, and his mind began to free itself. The walls began to pulse, as he felt his muscles relax. A feeling of calmness came over him; his head was slowly rocky drifting from side to side. Then his senses began to intensify. He could smell the scent of coffee that had been spilled weeks ago, he could taste the stench of his work boots, he could see the breath of his men as they told him that it was all over.

"He let out a long sigh as he rubbed his weathered hands over the wiry gray hairs of his shaved head."

If his head is shaved, how is his hair wiry?

"His scratched, and beaten hardhat rested on a tower of unfinished paper work, sprinkled with a weeks worth of dust, and grime."

Unnecessary coma usage. In fact, I'm noticing a lot of unnecessary coma's. I don't have the time to list them all.

"It wasn’t the size of the build, nor the required secrecy from the Khazanian government that had caused him so much stressed, but the constant interruptions made by Mr. Graves, and those under his jurisdiction."

Caused him so much stress? Caused him to become so stressed? Needs to be re-worded.

There were other minor errors, but I think you'll be fixing these small problems when you revise this rough draft.

As far as the idea goes, I'd have to say it started off kinda... meh... I don't know where this story is going and it's kind of on the boring side. You're already to the powers, well into the powers, and there has been no action whatsoever.

Here's my grades:

Flow: 25. It needs better direction in my opinion. More focus.
Grammar and Spelling: 15. Lots of coma's that weren't needed as well as other grammar errors.
Entertainment value: 25. Like I said, needs some action. Kinda boring so far.

Total: 65. So-so

I hope it picks up a little bit. You seemed quite rushed while writing this one. I want to see the finished product so I can do this again after you've done another draft or two.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Solomon
Posted: Feb 18 2009, 11:18 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



Alright, thanks for the criticism. I'll get to work on it.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
Solomon
Posted: Feb 18 2009, 08:00 PM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



I realized my problem. I was basing the concept of the character off of his powers not his actual story....

TRASH!!


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
Jailer411
Posted: Mar 1 2009, 04:17 AM


The one and only.


Group: Members
Posts: 2,320
Member No.: 175
Joined: 17-January 09



Mind: Supreme
Body:Superior
Strength:Standard
Agility: Weak

Origin:


The night was like any other in this small desolate desert. The sky was dark, the moon glowed alit, but the winds, the winds were the worst part. The usual gusts of the night moved the sand, blowing it, making it dance in different directions, leaping through the air as graceful as any dancer, but it always seemed to find away to reach your face, to sting your eyes. Every inhabitant of the desert would eventually learn of ways to avoid it, if there were any left. Marique was the only one left, as intended on his behalf. He stood outside, waiting, waiting for something that would never come, until the winds got strong enough to pick him off the ground, as if it had the essence of a tornado. He silently made his way back to quarters, thinking to himself, about the fact that the emptiness of his heart could only be, and only ever will be, rivaled by the emptiness of the desert itself, but not for the trivial reasons that only the uncreative could think of, such as heart break.

To put it simply, Marique wasn’t exactly alive, but he was in a sense. There was no blood running through his veins, and yet there was. If you cut him, he wouldn’t feel pain, but yet he would. It was a tragic life, and an often misunderstood one, to live in the body of the very personification of evil, bound to the desert by some unknown force, vey tragic indeed.

As he sat, he thought, and the more he thought, the more he cried. Even if the tears weren’t falling from his eyes, he still found a way to release them. Bit by bit, piece by piece, he would fall deeper and deeper into the heavenly trance of sleep. The peacefulness of the beginning stages of sleep somewhat soothed him, but the actual land of slumber, was a living hell. He had no control, no affect as he did in reality. This was his own personal hell, the fact that nothing he could do would amount to anything. Of course, this was also true for the physical realm, but the truth was easier to avoid their by not thinking of it. Dreams were different for him; they were filled with thinking, making it impossible for him to not avoid the truth. It might as well of been literally tearing him inside out. “Why?” you might ask. Well, Marique wasn't sure himself.

Personality: He could not be understood, for the fact that he didn’t want to be understood. There was no point of it, simply because he was alone. In fact, even when he was around others, he was the only one who ever understood him self. Eventually, it turned into a game for him. One by one, everybody that supposedly “knew him”, managed to prove how much they didn’t know about him, and with every inaccurate guess, he found more reason to detach himself from society.


Force field: Me, Myself, and I

Level: Standard

Cost: 30

Pain, that was all Marique felt as he awoke. His house was being torn from the ground, making Marique’s body fly madly around it. “What could be happening?” that was all he was capable of thinking at the moment. Suddenly, the wall that Marique had just hit, gave away. Up he went, being carried by a storm of dust. The debris of sand and gravel were moving at speeds that could cut skin. Thinking quickly, Marique maneuvered towards a piece of wall that came off earlier. He was already hurt, and was being steadily blinded by the sand storm. Once on the wall, he held on, and setup a force field. Marique had always been able to think on his feet, but he never had any need for it. The desert was a safe place for him, but now something had happened. The only home he knew was destroyed, but that wasn’t a problem. The force field was breaking, and the sand storm was stopping, while he was still hundreds of feet in air.

Gravity: My own force

Level: Superior

Cost: 50

The fall should have killed him, but it hadn’t. He couldn’t understand, his force field had been broken, and yet he was still alive. All of this was in a relative sense though, to him, living didn’t mean having a beating heart, and death meant to not be able to make actions in the physical world. Then, he realized what was happening. This revelation was due to the fact that there he was in a, some-what large creator.

He had been able to reverse gravity, a power he didn’t have before, this lead to another startling revelation that the storm wasn’t caused by nature. “Damn him” he silently cursed to himself, but he was also smiling, a thing he hadn’t done in a long time. For you to get this, I would have to explain the source of Marique’s power. Marique lead a normal life, normal compared to what he was going through right now. When Marique was a child, he was seen as a threat to the Polemarch. The Polemarch was the leader of the territory Marique lived in, and he got that way be being surrounded by fools, but it became apparent that Marique wasn’t one of them. He realized, that when Marique grew older, he could challenge the Polemarch for supremacy, a challenge that could only be resolved by dulling, and the Polemarch didn’t like that. He couldn’t kill this little boy, so he sent him to exile.

Marique couldn't stop the Polemarch, but he wouldn’t keep quite about this, so he struck a deal with the Polemarch. He would leave willingly into the uncharted desert, only if he got the power of making force fields, and he was granted his own land there. The Polemarch agreed and so it would be.

Radar: This new land

Level: Standard

Cost: 20

It was obvious to Marique, that the Polemarch had exploited a loop hole. He was sending more people to Marique’s land, and he was compensating by sending Marique into a new land, and giving him more powers. The only reason that Marique was smiling, was because he thought that this would be interesting. That was something Marique needed, in this boring desert.

This land was new, and Marique was dreadfully lost. Even for his quickness, finding his way back would be hard. He would make the Polemarch pay for crossing him, but his first priority was going back to his land. This would have to be delayed, because the ground beneath Marique was shaking. The desert floor was tearing, and threatened to engulf Marique. It was a simple matter to doge the tears in the ground. “Is the Polemarch trying to kill me?” he thought to himself, but then it was apparent that he was getting closer to his land. This was a boundary, trying to keep him from exiting this area, but there had to be more, for this was too easy. His question had been answered when walls started to rise from the crocks in the ground. Marique had lost hope, for he was in a maze. He could try using the power of gravity that saved his life, but it wasn’t working. He suspected as much, it took a while for him to learn how to use his force fields. It seemed that the powers came and went as they pleased.

As said before, hope was lost, until his field of vision grew. “Was this a new found power?” but he already knew the answer. The Polemarch was obviously in a hurry to send more people to exile. He had given Marique the power to find his way back.

Smoke screen: You won’t leave, and you shall suffer.

Level: Standard

Cost: 25

The maze had been easy to maneuver, but it took some time. He was finally out, but still not in his land. The trek took days, and Marique had to survive with the little resources he had, such as obtaining water from cacti, but surprisingly, he had made it. His little piece of dry desert land had not changed much, if you exclude the destruction of area around his house, but nevertheless, he was home. He couldn’t stop his anger from rising, once he reached where his house once was. The Polemarch had destroyed it, all in a failed attempt to get Marique to leave.

That’s when Marique noticed a figure surveying the wreckage of Marique’s house. This person was obviously the person sent to exile. Marique had decided, he will kill this intruder. Besides, he was the only none criminal to be sent to exile. He would be doing himself a favor. All of a sudden, the stranger took notice of Marique, and pushed him back, using a power similar to Marique’s new one.

Marique wasn’t dumb; he had realized that the powers he had gotten, were meant for this stranger, and were accidently copied to him as well. The Polemarch had meant to completely disobey the pact he made with Marique. Marique’s anger rose, and with it, so did his body temperature. Steam was surrounding his body, and quickly enveloped his foe. Marique knew better than to wonder about this new power, he was used to it, and he took the advantage to sneak up behind this stranger. With one swift blow, Marique knew it was over, his opponent’s neck was snapped. The mist cleared, as he realized that he had killed the Polemarch.

What Marique did not know, was that a new Polemarch had taken over, and made the old Polemarch retrieve Marique, to undo the crime that was done. Marique was sent to the new land; because the new Polemarch couldn’t have two people in exile own the same land, even for a while. The new Polemarch’s plan was to get Marique back, and put the old Polemarch in Marique’s place. Marique had destroyed the thing he was waiting for, the chance to leave.


--------------------
4/24/11 8:48CMT

Signature has been changed, forum remains locked.
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granobulax
Posted: Mar 1 2009, 04:02 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



Jailer411:

Flow: 25% It started out slow and by the end the story was fast as hell. It needs to be more consistant.
Grammar and spelling: 15% There were some misspelled words and a whole lot of unnecessary comas. Try to find those when you do another draft.
Entertainment value: 20% The story was just too inconsistent with it's voice. In the beginning you made the voice sound abstract in a way and by the end you were just telling what was going on. The style of writing should be fluent throughout the piece. The ending was also very anticlimactic. Spice up the ending with perhaps a little more action. I would also like to hear into the mind of Marique a bit more to understand his feelings of being exhiled, ect.

Overall: 60% So-so

I think this one has plenty of potential. You seem to be well on your way to becoming a very good writer. Try not to over use the same words over and over again. Read your work again, you'll see them.
Give this a look over, have treach read it, and then post it on the EF under FPL analysis.
Honestly, I don't see this character having a chance at the Hall of Fame, but I think if you take the necessary steps, you might get a couple of wins under your belt with this character.
Most importantly, keep writing. You'll get better with time. I've got plenty of faith that we'll see great stories from you to come.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Jailer411
Posted: Mar 1 2009, 04:56 PM


The one and only.


Group: Members
Posts: 2,320
Member No.: 175
Joined: 17-January 09



QUOTE (granobulax @ Mar 1 2009, 10:02 AM)
Jailer411:

Flow: 25% It started out slow and by the end the story was fast as hell. It needs to be more consistant.
Grammar and spelling: 15% There were some misspelled words and a whole lot of unnecessary comas. Try to find those when you do another draft.
Entertainment value: 20% The story was just too inconsistent with it's voice. In the beginning you made the voice sound abstract in a way and by the end you were just telling what was going on. The style of writing should be fluent throughout the piece. The ending was also very anticlimactic. Spice up the ending with perhaps a little more action. I would also like to hear into the mind of Marique a bit more to understand his feelings of being exhiled, ect.

Overall: 60% So-so

I think this one has plenty of potential. You seem to be well on your way to becoming a very good writer. Try not to over use the same words over and over again. Read your work again, you'll see them.
Give this a look over, have treach read it, and then post it on the EF under FPL analysis.
Honestly, I don't see this character having a chance at the Hall of Fame, but I think if you take the necessary steps, you might get a couple of wins under your belt with this character.
Most importantly, keep writing. You'll get better with time. I've got plenty of faith that we'll see great stories from you to come.

Thanks Grano, but I won't be using this character, because Landon shot it down.
I'm working on a new one.


--------------------
4/24/11 8:48CMT

Signature has been changed, forum remains locked.
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nicker
Posted: Mar 1 2009, 05:24 PM


Expert


Group: Members
Posts: 1,052
Member No.: 223
Joined: 4-February 09



Hey Dad my big brother really wants your opioin on this story he made for me in Word.

Roy vs. Ghostface :Blood bath!

Roy Burns had been stalking though the woods waiting for his next kill to come to him but then one day
a certain women came to camp. Roy studied her name tag and found out it was Sidney. Roy didn’t know why he had taken a interest in this consoler because she was just another fool for Roy to kill but somehow something stopped Roy from killing her. Then it was night and Roy had snuck into Sidney’s room while the girl was sleeping and Roy was shocked when he found out why he didn’t kill the girl. “She she looks just like Amy!!” Roy for once in his life deiced instead of killing swore to protect Sidney at all costs. Roy then saw Sidney slowly opening her eyes so Roy disappeared.

Sidney had sworn she had heard something but she just ignored it and went back to sleep. Roy blushed as he stood in the woods. Roy then went back to the forest. Then one night Roy heard screaming coming from Sidney’s cabin and he rushed to the camp. Roy was shocked to know that there were dead bodies everywhere and it was his fault for once. Roy then heard Sidney say “No! Leave me alone! Roy!”

Roy then realized that Sidney was not asleep when he was in her room. Roy then glared at the ghost face wearing fool that was trying to hurt Sidney. Roy picked up his machete and with pure hate in his hollow eyes walked into Sidney’s cabin. Boom! Went the door as it flung off its hinges. Sidney was the floor staring at Roy with pure fear in her expression. “Well well looks like we got a goalie trying to be the ahhh!!!” Ghost face yelped as Roy punched Ghost face though a window. Sidney gave Roy a kiss on the mask and ran away to find help. Roy” Hey Ghost men get up so I can beat you back you down.”

Ghostface who had blood seeping down his mask flicked Roy off and charged at him.


So who wins?


--------------------
Points
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 1 2009, 11:26 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 1 2009, 05:24 PM)
Hey Dad my big brother really wants your opioin on this story he made for me in Word.

Roy vs. Ghostface :Blood bath!

Roy Burns had been stalking though the woods waiting for his next kill to come to him but then one day
a certain women came to camp. Roy studied her name tag and found out it was Sidney. Roy didn’t know why he had taken a interest in this consoler because she was just another fool for Roy to kill but somehow something stopped Roy from killing her. Then it was night and Roy had snuck into Sidney’s room while the girl was sleeping and Roy was shocked when he found out why he didn’t kill the girl. “She she looks just like Amy!!” Roy for once in his life deiced instead of killing swore to protect Sidney at all costs. Roy then saw Sidney slowly opening her eyes so Roy disappeared.

Sidney had sworn she had heard something but she just ignored it and went back to sleep. Roy blushed as he stood in the woods. Roy then went back to the forest. Then one night Roy heard screaming coming from Sidney’s cabin and he rushed to the camp. Roy was shocked to know that there were dead bodies everywhere and it was his fault for once. Roy then heard Sidney say “No! Leave me alone! Roy!”

Roy then realized that Sidney was not asleep when he was in her room. Roy then glared at the ghost face wearing fool that was trying to hurt Sidney. Roy picked up his machete and with pure hate in his hollow eyes walked into Sidney’s cabin. Boom! Went the door as it flung off its hinges. Sidney was the floor staring at Roy with pure fear in her expression. “Well well looks like we got a goalie trying to be the ahhh!!!” Ghost face yelped as Roy punched Ghost face though a window. Sidney gave Roy a kiss on the mask and ran away to find help. Roy” Hey Ghost men get up so I can beat you back you down.”

Ghostface who had blood seeping down his mask flicked Roy off and charged at him.


So who wins?

It's nice for the CBUB. I know you wrote it though nicker. wink.gif Anyways, there are grammar and spelling mistakes, but you're doing less of them.
I would comment on who wins, but I've never seen either movie/s.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
nicker
Posted: Mar 2 2009, 05:12 AM


Expert


Group: Members
Posts: 1,052
Member No.: 223
Joined: 4-February 09



QUOTE (granobulax @ Mar 1 2009, 11:26 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 1 2009, 05:24 PM)
Hey Dad my big brother really wants your opioin on this story he made for me in Word.

Roy vs.  Ghostface :Blood bath!

Roy Burns had been stalking though the woods waiting for his next kill to come to him but then one day
a certain women came to camp.  Roy studied her name tag and found out it was Sidney. Roy didn’t know why he had taken a interest in this consoler because she was just another fool for Roy to kill but somehow something stopped Roy from killing her. Then it was night and Roy had snuck into Sidney’s room while the girl was sleeping and Roy was shocked when he found out why he didn’t kill the girl.  “She she looks just like Amy!!” Roy for once in his life deiced instead of killing swore to protect Sidney at all costs.  Roy then saw Sidney slowly opening her eyes so Roy disappeared.

Sidney had sworn she had heard something but she just ignored it and went back to sleep. Roy blushed as he stood in the woods.  Roy then went back to the forest. Then one night Roy heard screaming coming from Sidney’s cabin and he rushed to the camp.  Roy was shocked to know that there were dead bodies everywhere and it was his fault for once. Roy then heard Sidney say “No! Leave me alone! Roy!”

  Roy then realized that Sidney was not asleep when he was in her room.  Roy then glared at the ghost face wearing fool that was trying to hurt Sidney.  Roy picked up his machete and with pure hate in his hollow eyes walked into Sidney’s cabin.  Boom! Went the door as it flung off its hinges. Sidney was the floor staring at Roy with pure fear in her expression.  “Well well looks like we got a goalie trying to be the ahhh!!!” Ghost face yelped as Roy punched Ghost face though a window. Sidney gave Roy a kiss on the mask and ran away to find help.  Roy” Hey Ghost men get up so I can beat you back you down.”

Ghostface who had blood seeping down his mask flicked Roy off and charged at him.


So who wins?

It's nice for the CBUB. I know you wrote it though nicker. wink.gif Anyways, there are grammar and spelling mistakes, but you're doing less of them.
I would comment on who wins, but I've never seen either movie/s.

No I didnt. sad.gif sad.gif sad.gif


--------------------
Points
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 2 2009, 02:46 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 2 2009, 05:12 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Mar 1 2009, 11:26 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 1 2009, 05:24 PM)
Hey Dad my big brother really wants your opioin on this story he made for me in Word.

Roy vs.   Ghostface :Blood bath!

Roy Burns had been stalking though the woods waiting for his next kill to come to him but then one day
a certain women came to camp.  Roy studied her name tag and found out it was Sidney. Roy didn’t know why he had taken a interest in this consoler because she was just another fool for Roy to kill but somehow something stopped Roy from killing her. Then it was night and Roy had snuck into Sidney’s room while the girl was sleeping and Roy was shocked when he found out why he didn’t kill the girl.   “She she looks just like Amy!!” Roy for once in his life deiced instead of killing swore to protect Sidney at all costs.  Roy then saw Sidney slowly opening her eyes so Roy disappeared.

Sidney had sworn she had heard something but she just ignored it and went back to sleep. Roy blushed as he stood in the woods.  Roy then went back to the forest. Then one night Roy heard screaming coming from Sidney’s cabin and he rushed to the camp.  Roy was shocked to know that there were dead bodies everywhere and it was his fault for once. Roy then heard Sidney say “No! Leave me alone! Roy!”

  Roy then realized that Sidney was not asleep when he was in her room.  Roy then glared at the ghost face wearing fool that was trying to hurt Sidney.   Roy picked up his machete and with pure hate in his hollow eyes walked into Sidney’s cabin.  Boom! Went the door as it flung off its hinges. Sidney was the floor staring at Roy with pure fear in her expression.  “Well well looks like we got a goalie trying to be the ahhh!!!” Ghost face yelped as Roy punched Ghost face though a window. Sidney gave Roy a kiss on the mask and ran away to find help.  Roy” Hey Ghost men get up so I can beat you back you down.”

Ghostface who had blood seeping down his mask flicked Roy off and charged at him.


So who wins?

It's nice for the CBUB. I know you wrote it though nicker. wink.gif Anyways, there are grammar and spelling mistakes, but you're doing less of them.
I would comment on who wins, but I've never seen either movie/s.

No I didnt. sad.gif sad.gif sad.gif

Then your brother writes exactly like you.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Mar 2 2009, 03:49 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



happy.gif


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
Solomon
Posted: Mar 2 2009, 10:43 PM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 2 2009, 03:49 PM)
happy.gif

LIAR!!!! FRYAR!!!!! TIRE!!!!!


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
Pseudonym
Posted: Mar 2 2009, 10:52 PM


FPL Failure


Group: Members
Posts: 1,219
Member No.: 203
Joined: 26-January 09



QUOTE (Solomon @ Mar 2 2009, 10:43 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 2 2009, 03:49 PM)
happy.gif

LIAR!!!! FRYAR!!!!! TIRE!!!!!

Expire, Desire, Combustion! I mean FIRE


--------------------
Points: More than Bison


Give me half.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 3 2009, 12:50 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



Since when did my grades topic become a random thread? huh.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Darkender
Posted: Mar 3 2009, 12:52 AM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Mar 2 2009, 07:50 PM)
Since when did my grades topic become a random thread? huh.gif

Oh my God, the infection is spreading...


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
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