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Pages: (7) « First ... 2 3 [4] 5 6 ... Last » ( Go to first unread post )

 Grano's grades!, Let's add another to the mix
Bloody_Freak
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 09:55 PM


Fiction God


Group: Members
Posts: 2,623
Member No.: 33
Joined: 12-March 08



QUOTE (wernidthe19 @ Jan 23 2009, 12:12 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 23 2009, 02:36 PM)
Grammar ain't my thing.  happy.gif

Got that right. laugh.gif

Shut up you! tongue.gif


--------------------
Points:
Top
darkender
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 10:01 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (wernidthe19 @ Jan 23 2009, 04:12 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 23 2009, 02:36 PM)
Grammar ain't my thing.  happy.gif

Got that right. laugh.gif

Aint is in the dictionary.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 10:15 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 23 2009, 10:01 PM)
QUOTE (wernidthe19 @ Jan 23 2009, 04:12 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 23 2009, 02:36 PM)
Grammar ain't my thing.   happy.gif

Got that right. laugh.gif

Aint is in the dictionary.

Aint is not in the dictionary... but ain't is tongue.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
darkender
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 10:17 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 23 2009, 10:15 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 23 2009, 10:01 PM)
QUOTE (wernidthe19 @ Jan 23 2009, 04:12 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 23 2009, 02:36 PM)
Grammar ain't my thing.   happy.gif

Got that right. laugh.gif

Aint is in the dictionary.

Aint is not in the dictionary... but ain't is tongue.gif

Same thing


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 24 2009, 06:56 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



Grano!! Your turn to grade me. This is just the beginning of a new one. This is just the beginning.

Punch and Judy!!


Biography

In an upscale condo somewhere in populous uptown, a young Asian woman clicks on a video recording device…

“Uh…hello. Yeah. Hi!” The beautiful brunette tosses her short hair out of her eyes and nervously continues. “So, this is my audition video for Our World: Uptown. By the way, love the show! Uh anyway, my name is Judy and I’m a bounty hunter. I know, this is Khazan and everybody here is a bounty hunter, superhero or some such. But, as you can see…” She turns on a techno track and begins to dance. “…none of them are as hot as me!” She dances around some more, tosses her hair out of her eyes and then returns to the video.

Personality

Abruptly, the door to her room burst off the hinges as a glowing fist follows. A striking blond enters. She is accompanied by blaring rap music as she quickly jumps in front of the video screen. Startled, Judy falls backwards. The blond begins to beat box. “Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years. Rockin’ my peers and putting suckas in fear.” The blond dances around and shakes her rear in front of the camera seductively. “Punch says knock you out! HUH! ” She begins screaming. “I’M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! HUH!” She then smiles and folds her arms in a dramatized hip hop pose. Kicking over the video camera onto the bed, she then turns to Judy. “…and I will.”

“Will what?” Judy says.

Knock you out! Ya dumb female dog. Now get off the floor and get yourself together. We’s got’s villains to catch!” She says as she over exaggerates a hillbilly accent. Judy picks herself up and straightens her hair. “You don’t have to be so rude you know.” The blond turns her head towards Judy and twists her face in a punk rock-like fashion. “Yes, I do. I’M PUNCH…BIIITCH! Now, have you seen baby? Where the Sexual Intercourse is baby?” As Judy checks the downed camera for breakage, Punch rummages through her room. “I haven’t seen her Punch. Could you please just…?” Judy jolts as the door slams and then falls to the ground wrecked.

Peacefully, Judy continues to set up her camera and fix her hair. As if Punch never entered, she continues to record. “That…was my disorderly partner, Punch. She’s a little abrasive, but I love her. Together, we are Punch and Judy: Bounty Hunters for Hire. I know it’s a little corny. Punch came up with it after one of our visits to some backward planet called Earth. She said it fit us well. I don’t get it, but whatever. So…uh…Oh. I know! You wanna hear about our trip to Earth.” She shakes the camera to nod in an agreeing fashion. “Cool, we were in a small town called New York after a villain by the name of Groovius Maximus…”




--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 24 2009, 11:35 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 24 2009, 06:56 PM)
Punch and Judy!!


Flow: 29% I don't know, I thought it was choppy at times so far. I think it's just because it's so rough though.

Grammar/spelling: 19% You missed a quotation mark lol

Entertainment: 37% It had a funny part or two in there but other than that it's rather bland so far.

Overall: 85% Pretty good for a rough draft. It has plenty of potential and I'm looking foward to seeing what you do with this.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Ethan
Posted: Jan 24 2009, 11:41 PM


The Gorram Hypocyte™


Group: Members
Posts: 3,659
Member No.: 82
Joined: 8-September 08



hey, grano, could you check out something I'm working........

The demon rose out of the shadows, the dark sky streaking with furious lightning, it growled at the unknown swordsman. Blades at the ready, the samurai shifts into his usual stance, ready for combat with his new advesary. The demon stares at the man standing before him, wondering why he draws his sword instead of fleeing for his life. Before the swordsman could make his move, the demon howl, charging with its massive claws at the ready to rend the man limb from limb. Untaken by surprise, the swordsman shifted his balance and weight towards the front of his body and raised his twin blades up to meet the rampaging beast. As they clashed into each other, the sky claps with thunder, they do battle. As the demon swiped at the swordsman, he blocks with one blade, thrusting the other at the creature. The demon not easily tricked, dodges the attempt, it then grips the blade in one deft swift movement. Acting quickly, the blade is torn from its user's hand and thrown aside. The captured blade still beholden by the monster's other hand, the sword master releases it, pushing it forward, sending the enemy toppling onto the ground. The warrior quickly jumps to the deposited katana, rolling as he lands grabbing it, he twists around to face his foe.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 24 2009, 11:49 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Ethan @ Jan 24 2009, 11:41 PM)
hey, grano, could you check out something I'm working........

The demon rose out of the shadows, the dark sky streaking with furious lightning, it growled at the unknown swordsman. Blades at the ready, the samurai shifts into his usual stance, ready for combat with his new advesary. The demon stares at the man standing before him, wondering why he draws his sword instead of fleeing for his life. Before the swordsman could make his move, the demon howl, charging with its massive claws at the ready to rend the man limb from limb. Untaken by surprise, the swordsman shifted his balance and weight towards the front of his body and raised his twin blades up to meet the rampaging beast. As they clashed into each other, the sky claps with thunder, they do battle. As the demon swiped at the swordsman, he blocks with one blade, thrusting the other at the creature. The demon not easily tricked, dodges the attempt, it then grips the blade in one deft swift movement. Acting quickly, the blade is torn from its user's hand and thrown aside. The captured blade still beholden by the monster's other hand, the sword master releases it, pushing it forward, sending the enemy toppling onto the ground. The warrior quickly jumps to the deposited katana, rolling as he lands grabbing it, he twists around to face his foe.

I'm not going to grade this in my usual fassion because it's so short. However, I will comment that I loved it's imagery. There was an awkward word or two but overall, this has great potential. Lets see you run with it wink.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Ethan
Posted: Jan 25 2009, 12:07 AM


The Gorram Hypocyte™


Group: Members
Posts: 3,659
Member No.: 82
Joined: 8-September 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 24 2009, 11:49 PM)
QUOTE (Ethan @ Jan 24 2009, 11:41 PM)
hey, grano, could you check out something I'm working........

The demon rose out of the shadows, the dark sky streaking with furious lightning, it growled at the unknown swordsman. Blades at the ready, the samurai shifts into his usual stance, ready for combat with his new advesary. The demon stares at the man standing before him, wondering why he draws his sword instead of fleeing for his life. Before the swordsman could make his move, the demon howl, charging with its massive claws at the ready to rend the man limb from limb. Untaken by surprise, the swordsman shifted his balance and weight towards the front of his body and raised his twin blades up to meet the rampaging beast. As they clashed into each other, the sky claps with thunder, they do battle. As the demon swiped at the swordsman, he blocks with one blade, thrusting the other at the creature. The demon not easily tricked, dodges the attempt, it then grips the blade in one deft swift movement. Acting quickly, the blade is torn from its user's hand and thrown aside. The captured blade still beholden by the monster's other hand, the sword master releases it, pushing it forward, sending the enemy toppling onto the ground. The warrior quickly jumps to the deposited katana, rolling as he lands grabbing it, he twists around to face his foe.

I'm not going to grade this in my usual fassion because it's so short. However, I will comment that I loved it's imagery. There was an awkward word or two but overall, this has great potential. Lets see you run with it wink.gif

alright, thanks, I just wanted to see if it was any good....and um, could you tell me which words were awkward, please?
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 25 2009, 01:20 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Ethan @ Jan 24 2009, 11:41 PM)
hey, grano, could you check out something I'm working........

The demon rose out of the shadows, the dark sky streaking with furious lightning, it growled at the unknown swordsman. Blades at the ready, the samurai shifts into his usual stance, ready for combat with his new advesary. The demon stares at the man standing before him, wondering why he draws his sword instead of fleeing for his life. Before the swordsman could make his move, the demon howl, charging with its massive claws at the ready to rend the man limb from limb. Untaken by surprise, the swordsman shifted his balance and weight towards the front of his body and raised his twin blades up to meet the rampaging beast. As they clashed into each other, the sky claps with thunder, they do battle. As the demon swiped at the swordsman, he blocks with one blade, thrusting the other at the creature. The demon not easily tricked, dodges the attempt, it then grips the blade in one deft swift movement. Acting quickly, the blade is torn from its user's hand and thrown aside. The captured blade still beholden by the monster's other hand, the sword master releases it, pushing it forward, sending the enemy toppling onto the ground. The warrior quickly jumps to the deposited katana, rolling as he lands grabbing it, he twists around to face his foe.

I think the majority of the problems was the use of past and present tense in sentences. You need to stick to one or the other to avoid an awkward sentence.

Hope that helps smile.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 25 2009, 03:30 AM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 24 2009, 11:35 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 24 2009, 06:56 PM)
Punch and Judy!!


Flow: 29% I don't know, I thought it was choppy at times so far. I think it's just because it's so rough though.

Grammar/spelling: 19% You missed a quotation mark lol

Entertainment: 37% It had a funny part or two in there but other than that it's rather bland so far.

Overall: 85% Pretty good for a rough draft. It has plenty of potential and I'm looking foward to seeing what you do with this.

I'm hoping to up the entertainment value in the powers section. So, I'll post the rest soon. Thanks Grano.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 25 2009, 03:17 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



Here's the rest. It's pretty long and it's still got a paragraph or two before I'm finished. I don't know if I like it. It's kinda different for me. Anyway, curse words are censored. I'm thinking about changing their powers from being natural to giving them some sort of powered suits. Making them Cyberware kits. Tell me what you think. Be honest.

Biography


In an upscale condo somewhere in populous uptown, a young Asian woman clicks on a video recording device…

“Uh…hello. Yeah. Hi!” The beautiful brunette tosses her short hair out of her eyes and nervously continues. “So, this is my audition video for Our World: Uptown. By the way, love the show! Uh anyway, my name is Judi Nekketsu. Nekketsu means hot-blooded, but which is totally not me. However, I am a bounty hunter. I know, this is Khazan and everybody here is a bounty hunter, superhero or some such. But, as you can see…” She turns on a techno track and begins to dance. “…none of them are as hot as me!” She dances around some more, tosses her hair out of her eyes and then returns to the video.

Personality

Abruptly, the door to her room burst off the hinges and a fist follows. A striking blond enters. She is accompanied by blaring rap music as she quickly jumps in front of the video screen. Startled, Judi falls backwards. The blond begins to beat box. “Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years. Rockin’ my peers and putting suckas in fear.” The blond dances around and shakes her rear in front of the camera seductively. “Punch says knock you out! HUH! ” She begins screaming. “I’M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! HUH!” She then smiles and folds her arms in a dramatized hip hop pose. Kicking over the video camera onto the bed, she then turns to Judy. “…and I will.”

“Will what?” Judy says.

Knock you out! Ya dumb female dog. Now get off the floor and get yourself together. We’s got’s villains to catch!” She says as she over exaggerates a hillbilly accent. Judi picks herself up and straightens her hair. “You’re the devil. You don’t have to be so rude you know.” The blond turns her head towards Judi and twists her face in a punk rock-like fashion. “Yes, I do. I’M PUNCH…BIIITCH! Now get the baby and get ready? Where the Sexual Intercourse is the baby?” As Judy checks the downed camera for breakage, Punch rummages through her room. “I haven’t seen her Punch, but I’ll get her. Could you please just…?” Judy jolts as the door slams and then falls to the ground wrecked.

Peacefully, Judi continues to set up her camera and fix her hair. As if Punch never entered, she continues to record. “That…was my disorderly partner, Punch. She’s a little abrasive, but I love her. Together, we are Punch and Judy: Bounty Hunters for Hire. I know it’s a little corny. Punch came up with it after one of our visits to some backward planet called Earth. She said it fits us well. I don’t get it, but whatever. So…uh…Oh. I know! You wanna hear about our trip to Earth.” She shakes the camera to nod in an agreeing fashion. “Cool, glad you agree.”

Powers

Energy Absorption (Standard):

New York: the distant past.

It’s a cold windy night. It’s the kind of wind that chills to the bone. Outside one of the many nightclubs, Punch and Judi wait impatiently in line to enter…

“HURRY UP!!” Punch screams loudly at the doorman. Next to the sound of the club music and the commotion of the crowd, even Punch’s booming voice is quieted. “Hey big boy, you got nuts and I know how to kick…HURRY UP! I’m freezing my V-J J off out here.” Judi grabs her shoulder and tries to pacify the angered woman. “You’re a real devil. Settle down. Don’t you want to get in.” Punch continues yelling profanities. “Punch! Punch! Calm down. Here read over the dossier again; we must be ready for this guy when we get in there.” Punch yanks the holographic monitor from Judi and types in an access code. A file comes up for Groovius Maximus. Punch looks bewildered. “What a stupid name?” She says and continues reading…



Reavers file Log A4:
Name: Groovius Maximus
Age: Unknown
Sex: Male
File 0010: Groovious Maximus is a dimensionally famous DJ. His legions of followers have made him a household name. However, there is much more to this DJ than just music. Wherever Groovius performs a trail of missing people soon appear. Among these missing people is the son of Khazanian business man, Mr. Clatue. Therefore, you are being hired to find Clatue’s son. He was last seen visiting Earth city-state New York. Please see File 0015 for further details.
Powers: …



“Okay, that’s about enough of that! My heads starting to hurt from all that reading.” Judi looks confused. “What are you doing? We can’t go in unprepared. What are his powers? Who’s Mister Clatue? Wha…?” Punch responds by smacking Judi in the head. Finally, the girls make it to the doorman. The steady thump of a hypnotic bassline can be heard inside the club. Judi starts swaying to the beat completely forgetting her past disenchantment. “Next.” Says the doorman. CRACK! With one punch the doorman is out. “Next time hurry up! It’s freezing out here ya pansy!” Punch steps over the doorman. A spellbinded Judi follows, still dancing. A crowd of people take advantage of the situation and storm through the doorway.

Once inside, Punch and Judi are amazed at what they see. An entire sea of people all dancing in one accord. Everyone is on the same beat influenced by the sound. One solitary DJ plays above the crowd. With headphones on, he seems unconscious to everything but the call of the music. Judi can’t help herself. She becomes pulled into the sound and leaps into the mob. Seemingly unaffected, Punch grumbles as she watches her partner disappear in the masses. “Oh what the Sexual Intercourse! Seriously Judi? Come on? What the hell is that noise anyway?” She shouts. From somewhere in the crowd. “It’s trance. Isn’t it great!” Punch walks off and shakes her head in disgust. “No.”

Meanwhile, Judi dances her way to the center of the dancefloor. Her body is completely in tune with the motion of the room. Her mind starts to draw a blank. All she knows is the sound of the rhythm, but something is wrong. Sweat begins to bead on her forehead. She knows this feeling. There is an energy in the air. Judi not only feels it, but absorbs it. Born with the ability to drain ambient energy, Judi feels an unnatural power in the room. It is part of the reason she was taken in as an orphan, trained and coupled with Punch. It is the secret to their strength, yet right now…it is too much.

“Punch!” Judi yells. “Punch!” She screams with no gain. The song is too much. The crowd is too loud. Her mind begins to swim in pain as she continues to absorb the baffling energy source. She sweats profusely, while bumping into people. Until suddenly, she bumps into a beautiful woman with dark features. The woman grabs her, smiles coyly and continues to dance. Judi dances with her in a drunken state. Suddenly, a body collapse on the floor. Another. And another. Until finally, dozens of bodies have fallen…dead. Judi notices that one of the dancers is the son of Clatue. He seems completely stupefied; caught in the mesmerizing wave. Judi’s attention is drawn away as the dark woman grabs her close.

Judi herself is barely standing when out of the blue, Punch lunges from the crowd and slams into the dancing duo. “Hands off my female dog! female dog!” The dark haired woman falls hard. The music skips and the DJ stops completely looking to the dance floor. The crowd all stumbles as if they were the sound itself. “CLEO!” He screams. She picks herself up and runs to the DJ booth. Whispering something in his ear, he continues the music with a smile. A heavier sound. The crowd leaps back into motion.

“Help me Punch.” Judi says with great effort. “You’re going to be alright, Judi. While you were over here playing Cinderella, I read the rest of the dossier. As you’ve seen for yourself, the perp has a woman. Turns out they work together. Some weirdoes by the name of Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. They kill people, Judi. With this music they kill people.” Punch looks down and Judi is nodding her head to the beat again. “It’s the music Judi…It’s causing the people…Oh nevermind.” Judi grabs Punch by the collar and pulls her close. “Shut the Sexual Intercourse up and let’s do this.” Punch smiles an evil grin. “That’s my girl. I’ve been waiting for that.”

Bashing attack (standard):

Punch picks up Judi to her feet and hands her a wooden kendo stick. “I found the baby!” Judi smiles. “Now…Spank me mama!”

Kinetic absorption (standard):

Judi still dancing, grabs the stick. The DJ and his mistress look on perplexed. In the middle of the dancefloor, Judi begins to crack the kendo stick against the back of Punch. Stranger still, Punch seems to enjoy it. Whack! “Harder female dog!” Whack! “Is that all you got!” Marc and Cleo stare in odd fascination as Judi pounds away on the back of Punch. So peculiar is it, that Marc has actually let the music play on auto in order to watch the spectacle. Unprecedented. With her last fit of strength, Judi releases all the built up energy stored within her and crumples to the floor. Punch’s fist body begins to writhe. Her fist clench tightly. She looks down at her fallen comrade, who smiles back weakly. “Huzzah, I love when I get to beat the devil. Now, go get em tiger.”

Berserker (Superior):

“RRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!” Muscles bulging, Punch lunges forward in pure rage. In one humongous punch, she shatters the DJ booth to splinters. Anthony and Cleo are knocked clear to the floor. Still empowered, Punch charges forward again. The duo dart away with a furious Punch in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, the enthralled assembly begins to shake the cobwebs loose. Anthony and Cleo act quick and separate into two directions. Blinded by rage, Punch follows the bigger of the two. Elsewhere, Cleo runs up to a sound room and quickly inserts a CD. One of Anthony’s many recorded sessions begins to play. The crowd is caught in the throngs of the reverberation once again. The dozens dead that previously fell begin to rise and dance again.

Simultaneously, Anthony managed to duck away from Punch and join Cleo in the booth. Still fuming with a blind frenzy, Punch tore apart everything in her path until… “Punch. Punch…Knock it off.” With a clarity, Punch turned to see her partner back up on her feet. Snapping out of her madness, she runs over and embraces her friend. “Get the Sexual Intercourse off me you female dog!” She says shoving Judi away. “WHAT!?” Judi yells. “Stop yelling. I’m right next to you.”

“WHAT? THIS IS NO TIME TO BE THINKING ABOUT SEX! WE GOTTA GET THOSE TWO!”

“What? What the hell is wrong with you? What is that in your ea…oh. I see. You stuffed your ears. Smart.”

“WHAT?”

Martial Supremacy (Standard):

“Nevermind.” Punch replies. “HOW IS THIS NOT AFFECTING YOU? HOW ARE YOU…?” Punch slaps her hands over Judi’s mouth. “This. Music. Sucks. I like it hard, but you know that.” Moving her hand, the two walk back to the dancefloor only to notice the music has changed. While the majority of the crowd continue to dance, the dozen undead dancers are all staring coldly at the pair. As they move to the music, they mimic every step of their adversaries daring them to come closer. “Looks like we got’s us a fight!” Punch says in her hillbilly voice again. “I SAID NO SEX TONIGHT!” Judi returns. Punch lowers her head in embarrassment. To best utilize her abilities, Punch was trained in various pugilist styles. She assumes a kickboxing stance.

Swordmaster (standard):

Seeing this, Judi looks out to the masses and see the glaring faces. Finally getting it, she pulls out her kendo stick and assumes one of her many Kenjutsu stances. With the earplugs in, Judi absorbs the ambient energy at a slower rate. Her strength rises at a controllable pace. This time Punch stays close in order to provide the perfect release if the vigor of the sound becomes too great.

Martial Arts (standard):

“Follow my lead.” Punch says. Judi responds with a sudden crack on the back of her partner. “OW! What tha Sexual Intercourse?” Judi looks away sheepishly seeing the anger in Punches eyes. “Sorry, I thought you said spank me?” Punch growls and leaps forward. She begins to slam dance against the pack. She slowly absorbs the kinetic energy of the wild movement as she dodges and weaves her attackers. Judi follows suit and rallies onward. The two fight; becoming one with the tempo, rising and falling with the bassline, using the atmosphere and rhythm to their advantage to defeat their opposition. Oblivious to the fact that Marc and Cleo have long left the building. Within minutes the undead dancers have fallen. The pair look on satisfied until they notice the booth is empty.

To be continued (but it shouldn't be much longer--like two paragraphs perhaps)...


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 25 2009, 09:25 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



Flow: 33% The beginning was a little slow, but it really took off from there.

Grammar/spelling: 20% Looked good to me!

Entertainment: 40% I thoroughly enjoyed the story. It definately had a different feel to it but it worked for you.

Overall; 93% Great!


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 25 2009, 10:09 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



and the bad...?


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Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
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granobulax
Posted: Jan 26 2009, 12:39 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 25 2009, 10:09 PM)
and the bad...?

The bad? I don't know...

I thought it was already more entertaining than 90% of everything on the FPL... And I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors to speak of...

I didn't really see anything bad or I wouldn't have given a 92% lol


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Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
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