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Pages: (7) 1 [2] 3 4 ... Last » ( Go to first unread post )

 Grano's grades!, Let's add another to the mix
granobulax
Posted: Jan 20 2009, 07:30 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 07:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 07:28 PM)
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 05:45 PM)
Deathstroke and Deadpool vs. Lobo:

Flow:30% It's a little choppy in there in that it moves a little too fast in the beginning. A little more detail would do the beginning nicely. Other than that, the story flows very well.

Grammar and spelling: 5% There are some big mistakes. For instance, "through" should be spelled "Threw" in the context in which it was used. Also, beginning consecutive sentenses the same way repetedly makes for too much repitition. Try to revise that if you can. Be original and use different words. Use a thesaurus if you have one or go to Thesaurus.com. That should help.

Entertainment value: 40% I though it was very entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. I would liked to have read a little more detail into the death of Batman and perhaps a little more into the fight scenes but the character personalities were flawless.

Overall: 75% Nice job!

cool cool.gif

I hope that helps wink.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
darkender
Posted: Jan 21 2009, 06:27 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



"Isn't Mr. Chaplin such a fag!" said Jeremy after leaving Mr. Chaplin's science class.

"All I did was miss a shot into the garbage can, and he started talking about how I'll never be a basketball player, and how I shouldn't have even made the team." He said.

"I know what you mean man." John said as he turned towards his locker opening it and taking his lunch bag out.

"I'm telling you man. If he was to get fired or just disappear one day. I don't think anybody would miss him." He said as they walked into the school cafeteria.

Jeremy got on line to get his lunch, and John accompanied him even though he already had his lunch. As they waited on the unusually long line Mr. Chaplin walked into the cafeteria. Both of the boys watched him enter as he made his way across the room towards the line. Without a hello Chaplin walked past them and up to the front of the line to get his food.

"That isn't even fair!" Jeremy exclaimed.

"Calm down Jeremy." John chuckled "It's not even that serious."

Later both of the boys got their food and sat down with their friends. They ate their food and when they were finished they headed out to their next class. They rest of the day went as usual, until the final bell rang. All of the kids flooded out of their classrooms and into the halls. Jeremy and John were anxious to get out to the front of the school after a rumor they had heard about a fight.

"Did you hear about the fight?" John asked they walked down the hall way.

"Yeah, I can't wait to see it. Josh is gonna jump Devin." He said excitedly.

"Yea, this is gonna be a good." He said as he pushed the door open leading outside.

By the time the boys got out there the fight had already begun. The other kids had formed a circle around the two fighters as they chanted and yelled for the fight. The two fighters began throwing punches and the fight was beginning to get brutal. Teachers began to run out but the female teachers were unable to even make it through the circle that had been made around the fight. The teachers beginning to panic tried to go get another teacher to get through to the boys. The closet male teacher near was Chaplin and he quickly got through. Moving kids out of the way, he got a hold of one of the boys and began to split them up to cease the fight.

"Both of you, To the Principal's office!" he demanded to both of the fighters.

"Who else is going to mess up good fight other than Chaplin." Jeremy said as they both turned around and began heading to their buses.

Personality

The next day they both arrived at school and went through their regular morning ritual of hanging with their crew and then heading to their first period class. The day went by rather fast for some unknown reason and before they knew it they both in Mr. Chaplin's class again. Mr. Chaplin had continued where they left off before and restarted his lecture on stars. Half way through his lecture gun shots could be heard down the hall way. All of the kids in the class beginning to Mr. Chaplin went to his desk and pulled out his cell phone and keys. He went to the door and looked down the hall. He saw three figures in the hall way standing in long coats with rifles in each of their hands. Chaplin locked the door and began to call 911. Unfortunately, there was no service in his classroom. He looked at his students and quickly asked if anybody had service. After all of them shaking their head no he continued went towards the class phone. It was disconnected as he thought before. He ran up to the door and looked out the window. The figures were making their way up the hall causing carnage in each class room on the way down.

He continued to watch the figures as he went into deep thought. He wasn't sure what to do. He looked out again and saw that they were getting closer and closer to the room by the second. He quickly turned the lights off and put his back towards the door. He instructed his students to hide under their desks, and as they did he flung open the door.

Powers
Armor Skin supreme
The first shooter turned around to see the teacher running towards him and began firing. Emptying his clip into the teacher he was surprised to see no damage dealt to him except holes in his shirt. Chaplin then walked up to the shooter grabbing him by him arms, and throwing him through the lockers and landing him into another classroom. After seeing this, the other shooters began to run down the hall in an attempt to escape the super powered teacher.

Telekinesis Supreme
Chaplin seeing this reached out his arm towards one of the shooters. Stopping in his tracks the shooter began to lift in the air dropping his guns. The shooter realizing he was in mid air began to panic and look towards his fellow shooter. The third shooter in another attempt to stop the teacher shot again. Losing concentration Chaplin dropped the shooter and as soon as his feet hit the floor he began running again. Chaplin realizing they were on the verge of getting away and could possibly hurt others could not let this happen. He began running after them and before long his feet lifted off the floor and he began flying. Turning around the shooters could not believe their eyes. Chaplin grabbing both of them by their shirts lifted them into the air and threw them into the ceiling. Both of the shooters hit the ceiling with a loud thump and then fall to the ground.

Fire Supreme
Struggling to get up one of the shooters began to reach for his gun.

"If you take out that gun, I'll fry you alive" He said as his eyes began to turn red.

The shooter dropped his gun and began to realize that all of them were going in for the death sentence for what they've done.

Later the police had finally arrived and began to put the shooters into hand cuffs. The news reporters crowded around Mr. Chaplin asking, how he stopped them and what happened. He couldn't hold his secret anymore and was found out once more. There came more and more crowds of reporters as more people arrived on the interesting and mysterious case. Chaplin couldn't take the attention and flew off into the air to never be seen again, until now


Tell me what you think.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 21 2009, 06:38 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:27 PM)
Mr. Chaplin

Flow: 30% I thought the flow was rather good. The beginning had some useless stuff, such as the fight, that had no bearing on the story itself and that's why I docked a few points. Other than that, nice flow.
Grammar and spelling: 19% A few minor grammar errors but nothing worth docking more than one percent. Very good.
Entertainment value: 30% I thought the story itself was just okay. My main beef was that it was highly predictable. I would have liked to have seen some twist that was unexpected. I would have also liked to have read a little more focus on Mr Chaplin himself. The most of the story focused on the two kids with out hardly any character build up for Mr. Chaplin.

Overall: 79% All in all it was pretty good but not great. I'd have to say that you're stories are improving as a whole though and it's only a matter of time before you're pumping out masterpieces. Keep the characters coming because I do enjoy reading them on the FPL.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
darkender
Posted: Jan 21 2009, 06:50 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 21 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:27 PM)
Mr. Chaplin

Flow: 30% I thought the flow was rather good. The beginning had some useless stuff, such as the fight, that had no bearing on the story itself and that's why I docked a few points. Other than that, nice flow.
Grammar and spelling: 19% A few minor grammar errors but nothing worth docking more than one percent. Very good.
Entertainment value: 30% I thought the story itself was just okay. My main beef was that it was highly predictable. I would have liked to have seen some twist that was unexpected. I would have also liked to have read a little more focus on Mr Chaplin himself. The most of the story focused on the two kids with out hardly any character build up for Mr. Chaplin.

Overall: 79% All in all it was pretty good but not great. I'd have to say that you're stories are improving as a whole though and it's only a matter of time before you're pumping out masterpieces. Keep the characters coming because I do enjoy reading them on the FPL.

Thanks. I was planning on making a whole story on it including the rest of Mr. Chaplan's story in it, and a new character, but I doubt it would happen. I'm not that devoted to put in that much time into this.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



Do you accept poems?


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08




The End of Sin

The twisted tongue of a serpent, set forth the anguish of sin
Engulfed by the fire of hatetred, and repented for deaths twin
Distrust sweeping cross the land, changing destinies persecution
Darkness retreating into the abyss, a lights resurection
Slithering forth for impeeding doom, treachery is here once more

Life's burning flame extinguished, gone in the hearts of thee
Replaced with a lie, from the kingdom of ember
shaped by the words of deceit, truth comes moaning within me
Led to the end of dreams, and to hopes dismember

Sent forth within the isles of evermore
Shaken by the hand of divinity No more

Grapes of Wrath go rotten
For he hath been forgotten

Turned away from the creator
The eye becomes blind not seeing later

A spark of hope flickers amongst the dark
A voice...a song of peace leaving a mark;
upon it's vessel of hate, and forgotten dreams

The light of the one reaches out
dispelling the uncertainty of doubt

Peace hath cometh from above
The lies of a serpent replaced by love.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed wink.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed wink.gif

Goody. happy.gif


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:04 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed wink.gif

Goody. happy.gif

Ya got anything in mind?


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:05 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:04 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed wink.gif

Goody. happy.gif

Ya got anything in mind?

Look up.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:06 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:05 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:04 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed wink.gif

Goody. happy.gif

Ya got anything in mind?

Look up.

Somehow I missed that post laugh.gif

I'll check it out right now wink.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:13 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM)
The End of Sin

Flow:30% I generally liked the flow of the poem. It felt like a portion of it was forced, but it's hard work doing poetry and nearly impossible to be creative within its limitations without forcing a little.

Grammar and spelling: 15% I saw no spelling errors to speak of but what I didn't like was that in some areas you used punctuation while it was completely abscent for the rest. I think if you were going one way or the other for style you should have kept it uniform throughout the poem.

Entertainment value: 40% I liked the word usage and the way it actually made sense. Some poetry doesn't make any sense unless you read far too much into it and then it doesn't become entertaining any more. Yours is of an age old conflict and I liked it a lot.

Overall: 85% Very nice poetry and a very high grade for such a difficult task.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 22 2009, 02:32 AM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:13 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM)
The End of Sin

Flow:30% I generally liked the flow of the poem. It felt like a portion of it was forced, but it's hard work doing poetry and nearly impossible to be creative within its limitations without forcing a little.

Grammar and spelling: 15% I saw no spelling errors to speak of but what I didn't like was that in some areas you used punctuation while it was completely abscent for the rest. I think if you were going one way or the other for style you should have kept it uniform throughout the poem.

Entertainment value: 40% I liked the word usage and the way it actually made sense. Some poetry doesn't make any sense unless you read far too much into it and then it doesn't become entertaining any more. Yours is of an age old conflict and I liked it a lot.

Overall: 85% Very nice poetry and a very high grade for such a difficult task.

Wow, thanks man.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
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