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 CBUB or FPL ideas, this is criticism corner
darkender
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 09:22 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



Yea, I'm in the major league...


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Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 09:27 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



You are.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
darkender
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 09:41 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 13 2009, 09:27 PM)
You are.

So are you...


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Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now. (Powers and stats come to me last.) I'll post here when it's done.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 11:38 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM)
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now. (Powers and stats come to me last.) I'll post here when it's done.

Pooooost it.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 11:42 PM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 13 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM)
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now.  (Powers and stats come to me last.)  I'll post here when it's done.

Pooooost it.

You can't rush art. I rushed the last two and look what happened. It'll be up by the end of tonight.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
Top
darkender
Posted: Jan 13 2009, 11:42 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



Wait we wlready have this in the Chit Chat section.


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Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 06:42 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 13 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM)
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now.  (Powers and stats come to me last.)  I'll post here when it's done.

Pooooost it.

You can't rush art. I rushed the last two and look what happened. It'll be up by the end of tonight.

Here it is, have a hayday:

Character Name: Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer

“Morshan, it’s time for your lessons.” called an elderly voice.. Morshan, brushed the dirt black hair out of his amber eyes and stood. up.

“I’ll be right there Master Naruhan!” Morshan sprinted through the stainless steel complex he called home. He looked rather sickly in the fluorescent lighting but that was merely because it made him look even paler than he was, if that were possible. Morshan, as well as the rest of his people rarely saw sunlight; it just wasn’t safe with the Avatars out there.

Morshan shuddered when he thought of the Avatars, not out of fear but out of hatred. They were the sworn enemies of his people; they were the reason he, his parents, his grandparents and so many others before them were forced to live on the run or as shut-ins in the complex. Just the thought of Avatars made him sick.

Finally Morshan reached his destination, a room that looked far more ancient than any part of his home: the Chamber of the Elders. The door slammed behind him as he walked in. The room was covered in blue padded mats and was completely lightless except for a torch mounted on each wall. In the center of the room a bald man who looked to be in his eighties, his entire body, tanned and wrinkled in a relaxed meditative pose.

“So you finally arrive Morshan.” The man said without opening his eyes. Morshan tensed, how had his teacher known he was there?

“Master Naruhan, how did you-” Morshan was cut off by Naruhan.

“I could sense the electrical impulses radiating from your body. This is just one of the many abilities of a Technomancer. I covered it in the last lesson.” Naruhan opened his eyes, they were a deep ocean blue. Much was held in those eyes, they were strong yet gentle. Those eyes held great wisdom and the energy of a toddler at the same time. Those were powerful eyes; they held a power only matched by the Elder’s voice.

“I humbly apologize Master Naruhan, Morshan whispered, giving a small bow, my mind has tendency to wander.”

“I can see that, you forgot to change into your robes Morshan. Another late night with Hecklow, the Elder inquired. Morshan once again hung his head, this time both in shame and in an effort to hide the deep crimson blush that now graced his cheeks. Naruhan laughed a hearty laugh, There is nothing to be ashamed of Morshan, Hecklow is a fine and beautiful young woman and you’re both nearly seventeen. “

“I fear we may be taking it to fast Master.” Morshan confided. Naruhan laughed so hard his entire body shook and he could hardly breathe. After a few minutes of gasping and a prolonged glare from his student, the sage-like Technomancer was able to compose himself.
“I’m sorry, Naruhan told him, that was rather inappropriate of me. Morshan you needn’t worry about taking things to fast with Hecklow, if you ask this old man you’re taking it to slow. Why your parents were married when the were fifteen.” Morshan got a far off look in his eyes, as if he was sinking deep into his own soul or more accurately, his nightmares. Morshan’s parents died when he was seven. They died fighting Avatars. In all the years he lived Morshan would never forget the day the corpses of his only family were brought home…

Flashback:

A squadron of Avatars had been spotted ten miles due East the compound. Having Avatars skulk around was something every one was used to, it had been that way since long before they were born but the war had never been this close to home. Not wanting anyone in a panic Naruhan ordered a preemptive strike.

“Who will go ward of this threat to our home?” Naruhan inquired. Morshan’s mother stood up.

“I will go Lord Naruhan.” she declared.

“Are you sure, Morgana? After all, Morshan needs a mother as well as a father.” Naruhan questioned.

“She will be fine because I’m going too. It would look bad if I let my wife show me up.” Morshan’s father let his manly need to be the protector take over.

“There’s no need to be so macho, Terorojack, I’m one of the best female Technomancers in history.” Morgana reminded him.

“I’m just as good as you, why should you get to have all the fun?” Terorojack asked rhetorically, puffing out his chest. Morgana rolled her eyes and looked down as she felt a tug on her skirt.

“What’s wrong Morshan?” she asked in a kind voice.

“Please don’t go Mommy, I don’t like to be alone. begged a seven year old Morshan.

“We won’t be gone long sweetie, I promise.” That was the last promise she would ever make before she died. The next day Morshan’s parents, as well as three other Technomancers clad in the traditional carbon steel armor went off in search of the enemy Avatars. As Morgana had promised they weren’t gone long but when they came back two were in death shrouds. The two fallen warriors were Morgana and Terorojack: Morshan’s parents. He cried for a month after that. His parents had been declared heroes for dying to complete an important mission but Morshan didn’t care; over time his sadness gave birth to a thirst for vengeance. He would make the Avatars pay; He Morshan Sakru would be the greatest Technomancer the world had ever seen. He swore it on the very blood that ran through his veins.

End Flashback

Tears rolled freely from Morshan’s eyes, It’s not fair, he muttered, why did they have to die? WHY?!”

“Morshan, I had no idea it still hurt that much. Perhaps, it would be better if we cancelled today’s lesson?” Naruhan suggested

“NO, Morshan snapped angrily, just let me get my robe and we can have our lesson.” His teacher nodded in understanding as Morshan left the room.

Personality:

Morshan dashed back toward his room in the compound, not looking where he was going. Even for a Technomancer in training who can somewhat sense people coming, taking your eyes off the path you walk is not a good idea. For Morshan it was particularly bad because he ran strait in a very angry looking female, who jus happed to be his girlfriend Hecklow.

“Look Morshan, I know I said I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet but this is not exactly what I had in mind.” she remarked in a sarcastic tone as she stood up. Morshan laughed, it was times like these that he was reminded of why he liked Hecklow so much. It was her brains and quick wit he was attracted to not her looks, of course she wasn’t exactly lacking in that department either. Hecklow stood about five feet from the ground, an inch or two shorter tan himself, had long light brown hair and vibrant green eyes. Her lips were red as the rose and the rest of her body was… aesthetically pleasing to say the least. Not to mention that her voice was as sweet as honey and as mesmerizing as a symphony but as anyone who knew her would attest, don’t let that fool you, her tongue a serrated obsidian knife.

“You know me, I like to surprise people.” Morshan replied smirking as he got off the ground.

“Is your lesson with Master Naruhan over?” Hecklow asked trying to make polite conversation.
“No, I forgot my robe but I did learn something, he thinks we’re taking it too slow, you?” Morshan inquired.


“Sentry duty.” she replied flatly. Sentry duty was the job of the more inexperienced warriors in the compound. Morshan tried to hide the twinge of jealousy at the fact that she became a full Technomancer before him. It wasn’t that he lacked the drive or even the skill, he just lacked the attention span.

“You don’t have to be there for another half an hour.” he noted.

“I know I was going to wait for your lesson with Master Naruhan to be finished so I could tell you how good a time I had last night.” Hecklow explained. Last night the two of them left the compound in the dead of night to go walk and talk on the surrounding beach in the light of the full moon. It wasn’t much of a date but when you’re stuck indoors for all your life and your enemy doesn’t move at night you take fresh air where you can.

“Any time.” he said dumbfounded and blushing.

“Well, I’d better not stop you from getting your robes.” Hecklow declared suddenly moving away from him. Morshan finished the trek to his room and changed into a metallic blue robe that was one size too big for him. Student Technomancers wore these robes to show respect and dedication to the art. Five minutes later, he was back in the Chamber of Elders.

“Good, you’ve returned with the garb of humility, Naruhan commented, now recite the history of Technomancers. Morshan sighed, Master Naruhan always made him do this; apparently it was essential to know where you’ve been before you get where you’re going.

“On the world of Kantesh there have always been two factions, Morshan said in a dull monotone, originally these faction were called Runers and Martial Mages. Runers practiced magic using the power of runes, or magical symbols while Martial Mages channeled magic through their bodies. This increased their speed, strength and gave them strange powers. For a time these factions lived in peace, that is until the radically religious Kiwari became leader of the Martial Mages. With his convincing speeches he swayed the Martial Mages that the will of God that they wipe the Runers of the face of Kantesh. Believing that they were servants of God the Martial Mages began to call themselves Avatars and declared war on the Runers. Thus began the war we are currently fighting and have been for the last thousand years. Our ancestors the runes were highly outclassed in the beginning by the Avatar superior fighting skills and more efficient ways of using magic. So they began to look into advancing technology, inventing things like cars and guns. However the Runers quickly realized that the resources for their new weapons were limited so the used their runes to improve there effectiveness and make them more efficient. This combination of magic and technology earned them the name Technomancers.”

“Very good, Naruhan complemented, It’s amazing you could remember all that.” (He said the last part softly enough that Morshan couldn’t hear.) Suddenly Hecklow burst in, in full Technomancer armor.

“Avatars, have broken into the compound!” She screech breathlessly.

“What?!” Naruhan was flabbergasted.

“Naruhan let me help fight, if they‘re in the compound you‘ll need everyone you can get.” Morshan demanded. Naruhan nodded.

“We don‘t have time for the ceremony but I‘m promoting you to full Technomancer, the armor and weapons are in the door behind me.” Naruhan told him.

“Thank you, Master Naruhan.” Morshan said quickly. Hecklow ran over to Morshan and kissed passionately on the lips, Morshan could do nothing but sit there with a goofy grin a beet red blush on his face for the slightest of moments. It had been both their first kisses.

“If we survive this we’re getting married.” Hecklow stated as if it were fact. Morshan didn’t have time to object, not that he wanted to but they’d have to talk about the wedding when this was all over. Right now though, it was time to show those Avatar scumbags who was boss. With renewed purpose Morshan Sakru walked into the Technomancer weapons store to prepare for battle.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 05:30 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
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Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 07:44 PM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 12:30 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

I want to get this part near perfect before I start the powers.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
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Solomon
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 08:05 PM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 07:44 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 12:30 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

I want to get this part near perfect before I start the powers.

Nothing can ever be close to perfect so we may be here for a few centuries...

I dont have time to go into specifics, but I will grade it.

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 6
Fluency- 7
Plot- 8
Characters- 8
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 74

A 70 or higher is good.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 08:06 PM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:05 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 07:44 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 12:30 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

I want to get this part near perfect before I start the powers.

Nothing can ever be close to perfect so we may be here for a few centuries...

I dont have time to go into specifics, but I will grade it.

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 6
Fluency- 7
Plot- 8
Characters- 8
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 74

A 70 or higher is good.

Okay, I'll aim for mid 80's- low 90's then. Hopefully Treach can get specific.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 08:08 PM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 08:10 PM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:08 PM)
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

You just said 100 is impoosible. If I can get what I have to at least an 87, I'll start the powers.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
Top
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