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Pages: (13) « First ... 11 12 [13]  ( Go to first unread post )

 CBUB or FPL ideas, this is criticism corner
granobulax
Posted: Mar 18 2009, 10:09 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



user posted image
Khazan All-Stars

Master Training Kit

Mind: Standard
Body: Superior
Strength: Superior
Agility: Supreme

[I]Background

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Multiversal Championship game between the Khazan All-Stars and the Nexus Troop. I’m the Great Gus Johnson, former member of the Khazan All-Stars and joining me is the Hall of Famer and former Nexus Troop player, Todd ‘the God’ Parker.”

“Thanks for the introduction Gus. We have one hell of a match-up here today. This is going to be a battle of epic proportions.”

“Yes it is Todd. For the home team, we have the Khazan All-Stars. This team comes in with the leagues best record at 72-10 while the visitors, the Nexus Troop come in boasting the leagues best defense and the second best record in the league at 66-16.”

“The key match ups will be the center play between the teams. Khazan’s Tank Thompson will have a hard time delivering against the leading blocker in the league, Chad Franklin.”

“So true, Todd. One thing that the Tank has going for him though is his resourcefulness. He is the leagues leading scorer after all.”

“Well, it looks like they’re about to introduce the Khazan All-Stars to this ravenous home crowd. I can hardly hear a thing, Gus. Someone obviously has a super voice amongst the crowd. Okay, lets hear from the home announcer and meet the home team.”


Personality
“And heeeeeeeere they are! Your Khazan All-Stars! Introducing number 32, your starting point guard, hailing from the planet of Vaagar! He led the league in assists and steals each of the last 33 seasons. Entering his 150th season, Raaklof Scheetz is just entering his prime! Let’s hear it for Raaklof!”

“Next, introducing number 23, your starting shooting guard! He was bred right here in Khazan. A five time league All-Star and capping off his 7th season, heeeeeeeeeeere’s Stan ‘the Man’ Ooooooooooo’Brian!”

“At small forward, number 33, he is a man amongst men! Traded to us this year from the Andromeda Capitals and bringing versatility our team needed and entering his 12th season, please welcome the Nameless One!”

“Next up at power forward, number 44, he also comes from the greatest of places, Khazan! This will be only his second season, but don’t let that fool you folks. He plays like a veteran in this league. And here he comes! Drake Voinovich!”

“And now, the one you’ve been waiting for! At center, he led the league in scoring and was this years MVP! From the small planet of MX143 and entering his 14th season, heeeeeeeeeeere’s Tank Thompson!!!

Tough Cookie Armor Skin: (Kit Power-Up) Superior
“The ref is getting set to throw up the ball. Centers Tank and Chad are squared off with each other. The ball is in the air… OH! Tank tipped the ball, but Chad slammed hard into Tank when he came back down! Yup, a technical foul has been given right off the bat and Tank gets right back up off the floor.”

“That’s right Todd, any normal man would have been leaving here on a stretcher because Chad has a charge move that has sent the majority of the league running. Not so in this case. Tank isn’t called ‘Tank’ for nothing ya know. He’s from the planet MX143, a place with a violent atmosphere and unstable tectonics. His species evolved a natural toughness that only few ever get to experience.”

“Tank hits the free throw and jogs down court as if nothing ever happened. Good grief, that man’s tough.”

Sky High! Leaping: Standard
“And we’re back. We’re six minutes into the first quarter and there has been some rough play so far. The Nexus players are renowned for their rough play, but are on record-breaking pace for technical fouls. The score is 18-15 Troop with Vander on the Troop team ready to shoot his second foul shot. It’s good. Tank to inbound the ball to Stan who sees a wide-open Drake! Only one defender to beat… Oooooh! He leapt strait over the top of Vander who tried valiantly to get back on D and dunked the ball with fury!”

“Wow Gus, you won’t see anyone else in this league with that sort of jumping ability. He must have easily jumped twice as high as the basket itself! Let’s see Drake Voinovich dunk that again in slow motion…”

He's Getting Angry... Berserker: Standard
“It’s almost half time with the score 55-54 Khazan. We’ve seen one hell of a game thus far, eh Todd?”

“We most certainly have. The Nameless One inbounds the basketball to Raaklof who pushes the ball down the floor. What have you thought of the play so far by Raaklof?”

Well Gus, I think he’s been rather timid so far. He’s definitely a player that you don’t want to get mad…”

“Raaklof gets the ball stolen from him for an easy bucket for Chad on the other end.”

“See? Things like that will get him angry and statistically, he’s far better when he’s playing mad. This season, after he’s been flagrantly fouled, his stats increased dramatically.”

“Speak of the devil, Raaklof just had an easy lay up when ‘Scar’ Scarring flagrantly fouled him from behind. Raaklof will shoot two and is not looking happy about it.”

Catch Up! Running: Standard
“With only two minutes to go in the third quarter, Nexus seems to be pulling away. They lead 88-74 and… Oh my, Chad just dunked the ball using his charge technique to scare away his defender. It’s 90-74 folks. What can the Khazan players hope to do to catch up to this large deficit?”

“It looks like the answer is walking out onto the floor right now Gus! The Nameless one has had a relatively quiet game so far, but if one man has the ability to dig them out of that hole, it’s him.”

“He’s off in a blur! I’ve seen him do this a hundred times and I still get goose bumps when I see him do this. He’s running circles around the entire Nexus team. Oh, a bucket… a steal… and another bucket… I can’t hardly keep up with him!”

“Yes Gus, this truly is the ace up Khazan’s sleeve. 90-80… 90-82… 90-84… I often wonder why the league allows this to happen.”

“Well, Todd, In an official league statement upon the Nameless one entering the league, he is allowed to use this speedy power because he can only sustain it for less than a minute. See? He’s already running out of steam. Just in time to tie the game up at 90. Wow, what a frantic finish to the quarter!”

Alley-Oop Elongation: Standard
“Here we are again, tied up for the 26th time this game at 112-112. Only three and a half minutes to go with Khazan inbounding the ball. The Nameless One dribbles the ball up court… Oh dear god! He’s been enveloped in a ball of flames! Scar just shot a wave of flames at the helpless Nameless One. He’s down on the floor, trying to escape from the horror!”

“A ref just found an extinguisher and put out the fire. Scar just got ejected from the game. Wow, what dirty play by the Nexus team.”

“When I was on this team years ago, things like this never happened Gus. I’m disappointed to be associated with the Nexus Troop after that debacle.”

“Raaklof will shoot the technical foul shots… and they’re both good. Raaklof sets to inbound the ball. Inbound pass goes to the Tank who passes it to Drake. Drake spots Stan ‘the Man’ cutting to the basket and throws up the alley-oop… Damn! Oops, pardon my choice of words there but oh my god! Let’s see that again on replay.”

“Okay, here’s where you can see Drake notice Stan cutting towards the basket. Drake threw the ball… here… so that no defender could reach the ball except for Stan. Stan elevates, but isn’t quite tall enough to reach where the ball was passed to. Right… here is where his special ability comes to life. His arm stretches out at least five feet and grabbed the ball for a dunk that will surely be on KSPN top plays tonight.”

Buzzer Beater Lucky: (Kit Power-Up) Superior
“In all my years, I have never seen a game with as much excitement as tonight’s game. Here we are coming out of a time out by Khazan with only five seconds left on the clock. Nexus leads the game 122-121. The crowd is on it’s feet.”

“Yes Gus, I must agree. This game has had everything and it all comes down to this last five seconds. Drake inbounds the ball from half court to Tank down on the low post but he’s triple teamed. Two seconds. He passes the rock quickly to Raaklof on the wing… It’s good!!! It’s good!!! Khazan wins! Khazan wins!”

“This has been the most amazing game this league has ever witnessed! Simply amazing!”

“Well, that does it for this season. Up next on Khazan Broadcast Network, two men and a lady duke it out over their new living space on an all new episode of KCIS: SVU. See you next season!”


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Mar 18 2009, 10:16 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



Long time no see. I'll read it and respond tonight or tomorrow morning.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 18 2009, 11:38 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 18 2009, 10:16 PM)
Long time no see. I'll read it and respond tonight or tomorrow morning.

Sweet! Oh, and if you could... convert my pic to gif.? Please? user posted image


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Ethan
Posted: Mar 18 2009, 11:44 PM


The Gorram Hypocyte™


Group: Members
Posts: 3,659
Member No.: 82
Joined: 8-September 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Mar 18 2009, 11:38 PM)
Sweet! Oh, and if you could... convert my pic to gif.? Please? user posted image

I will! If you want me to that is. smile.gif

EDIT:

user posted image
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 12:29 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Ethan @ Mar 18 2009, 11:44 PM)
I will! If you want me to that is. smile.gif

EDIT:

user posted image

Thanks Ethan!


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
Ethan
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 12:33 AM


The Gorram Hypocyte™


Group: Members
Posts: 3,659
Member No.: 82
Joined: 8-September 08



no prob, I'm just wondering, it looks a lttle different from the original in the outer areas. Is there a way to fix that? huh.gif
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 01:24 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (Ethan @ Mar 19 2009, 12:33 AM)
no prob, I'm just wondering, it looks a lttle different from the original in the outer areas. Is there a way to fix that? huh.gif

I don't see anything wrong with it.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 02:00 AM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



It's original for FPL. I don't think there are any basketball teams in the FPL. It's a pretty average storyline. Nothing too special happening. I like the superheroes playing sports thing, seems very Khazanian. The grammar is near perfect. I don't think it will be HoF. Maybe elims, but any stiff competition (and we all know the names) will beat it up. It also may be considered gimmicky by some. I personally think it's well written, fun and original, but not going all the way (maybe if a supervillain burst into the game and the team defeated it). Hope that's not too hard hitting.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
nicker
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 02:19 AM


Expert


Group: Members
Posts: 1,052
Member No.: 223
Joined: 4-February 09



QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 19 2009, 02:00 AM)
It's original for FPL. I don't think there are any basketball teams in the FPL. It's a pretty average storyline. Nothing too special happening. I like the superheroes playing sports thing, seems very Khazanian. The grammar is near perfect. I don't think it will be HoF. Maybe elims, but any stiff competition (and we all know the names) will beat it up. It also may be considered gimmicky by some. I personally think it's well written, fun and original, but not going all the way (maybe if a supervillain burst into the game and the team defeated it). Hope that's not too hard hitting.

Hey Trech want to grade my brother's stuff? He would really apprecite it.


--------------------
Points
Top
granobulax
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 03:34 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 19 2009, 02:00 AM)
It's original for FPL. I don't think there are any basketball teams in the FPL. It's a pretty average storyline. Nothing too special happening. I like the superheroes playing sports thing, seems very Khazanian. The grammar is near perfect. I don't think it will be HoF. Maybe elims, but any stiff competition (and we all know the names) will beat it up. It also may be considered gimmicky by some. I personally think it's well written, fun and original, but not going all the way (maybe if a supervillain burst into the game and the team defeated it). Hope that's not too hard hitting.

No, it wasn't too hard hitting at all. I was looking for an original story and I've got one. Thanks treach.



--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Mar 19 2009, 03:18 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 19 2009, 02:19 AM)
Hey Trech want to grade my brother's stuff? He would really apprecite it.

Was that the story you posted earlier or is it something new? And why can't your brother log on and be a member? dry.gif


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
nicker
Posted: Mar 20 2009, 01:00 AM


Expert


Group: Members
Posts: 1,052
Member No.: 223
Joined: 4-February 09



QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
Was that the story you posted earlier or is it something new? And why can't your brother log on and be a member? dry.gif

Hes lazy and besides you guys would frame me of multi accounting.


--------------------
Points
Top
treacherous
Posted: Mar 22 2009, 02:49 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 20 2009, 01:00 AM)
Hes lazy and besides you guys would frame me of multi accounting.

biggrin.gif


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
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