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Pages: (13) « First ... 9 10 [11] 12 13  ( Go to first unread post )

 CBUB or FPL ideas, this is criticism corner
darkender
Posted: Jan 21 2009, 11:20 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 21 2009, 10:52 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:22 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 21 2009, 06:20 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:16 PM)
Mr. Chaplin is up. Tell me what you think of him.

Yup. I printed that so I could read it earlier today. I'll get back to ya.

I'll be waiting.

You're getting steadily better Darkender. Seriously. As far as your grammar and storytelling go. However, I think your main concern is concept. You have interesting ideas that don't flesh out. Baby Bungee = interesting. Chaplain = potential. Kejaki = interesting. But, they lack depth. They just need that Umph. You know? I haven't read your competition yet, but we'll see what your up against. You are almost there Darkender. Just need that little extra Umph. Don't know what that is, I'll know it when I see it.

The thing is I'm really impatient. So most of the characters I made, I made in like 30 mins. I have a hard time staying on one character and not losing interest in it. So I'm trying to work on my characters longer to get that "Umph" you were talking about.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 03:32 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



Well, here's what I've done so far for my newest FPL character before school started back up. I'm hoping for a critique of what I've done so far and possibly some Ideas on where I should go next with it. Heck, I haven't even thought up a name yet lol

I'm hoping that with a little advice, I might not take the entire semester to finish this one biggrin.gif



Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area near insanity yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. Probably the most notable of these select few would be Albert Einstein. The most recent people to skirt the total possibilities of the human capacity are Steven Hawking and Chris Langan. However close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none have completed the neurological circuitry to unlock total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That was, until recently…

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. This was no ordinary child, for he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish. The doctors were completely astonished and deduced that the infant must have learned to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before the singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than ninety nine percent of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Rather, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail cascading through his mailbox, he had to learn a vast number of languages. Soon, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next twenty-two years, he became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. Some of the things on his list of inventions have only been conceived in science fiction movies. The teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the mind reading device were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, little did he know that the point of optimum performance was about to be reached…


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 03:41 AM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



I'll get to it.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 09:45 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 23 2009, 03:32 AM)
Well, here's what I've done so far for my newest FPL character before school started back up. I'm hoping for a critique of what I've done so far and possibly some Ideas on where I should go next with it. Heck, I haven't even thought up a name yet lol

I'm hoping that with a little advice, I might not take the entire semester to finish this one biggrin.gif



Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area near insanity yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. Probably the most notable of these select few would be Albert Einstein. The most recent people to skirt the total possibilities of the human capacity are Steven Hawking and Chris Langan. However close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none have completed the neurological circuitry to unlock total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That was, until recently…

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. This was no ordinary child, for he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish. The doctors were completely astonished and deduced that the infant must have learned to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before the singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than ninety nine percent of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Rather, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail cascading through his mailbox, he had to learn a vast number of languages. Soon, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next twenty-two years, he became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. Some of the things on his list of inventions have only been conceived in science fiction movies. The teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the mind reading device were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, little did he know that the point of optimum performance was about to be reached…

Good solid start. Hmmm. Now, where would I go with this? Too bad the Watchmen is already written. This would be a good set up for Ozymandias. Maybe you could do something like that. He taps into his minds true potential and decides to play god or maybe because he was born so smart he never got the chance to be a kid. Therefore, he develops psychic abilities and uses them to manipulate the world like his own play toys. You know he snaps a little. Like the graphic novel Domu.

Anyway, the start is fine. It's where you take it that matters.



--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 23 2009, 09:55 PM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 23 2009, 09:45 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 23 2009, 03:32 AM)
Well, here's what I've done so far for my newest FPL character before school started back up. I'm hoping for a critique of what I've done so far and possibly some Ideas on where I should go next with it. Heck, I haven't even thought up a name yet lol

I'm hoping that with a little advice, I might not take the entire semester to finish this one biggrin.gif



Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area near insanity yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. Probably the most notable of these select few would be Albert Einstein. The most recent people to skirt the total possibilities of the human capacity are Steven Hawking and Chris Langan. However close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none have completed the neurological circuitry to unlock total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That was, until recently…

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. This was no ordinary child, for he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish. The doctors were completely astonished and deduced that the infant must have learned to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before the singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than ninety nine percent of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Rather, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail cascading through his mailbox, he had to learn a vast number of languages. Soon, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next twenty-two years, he became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. Some of the things on his list of inventions have only been conceived in science fiction movies. The teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the mind reading device were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, little did he know that the point of optimum performance was about to be reached…

Good solid start. Hmmm. Now, where would I go with this? Too bad the Watchmen is already written. This would be a good set up for Ozymandias. Maybe you could do something like that. He taps into his minds true potential and decides to play god or maybe because he was born so smart he never got the chance to be a kid. Therefore, he develops psychic abilities and uses them to manipulate the world like his own play toys. You know he snaps a little. Like the graphic novel Domu.

Anyway, the start is fine. It's where you take it that matters.

Thanks treach, I like the idea of using the world as his toys... perhaps I'll use a variation of that idea.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 24 2009, 12:42 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



Ok, I don't think I ever had the pleasure of having you rate my Looking Through a Cloudy Window character. If you have and I just forgot about it, this version has been revised at the bottom with some additional powers to go towards my fifth win upgrade. If anything, I hope my additions to the story also add to the character.

Looking Through a Cloudy Window

Mind: Weak
Body: Supreme
Strength: Ultimate
Agility: Superior

Character Background:
Cloudy… that’s the only way to describe the strenuous problem that has now invaded the mind of the world’s greatest superhero. An appalling wrench now grappled with his consciousness, wreaking havoc on his disposition. No longer did he know the “bad guys” from the “good guys” and neither did he care. Somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of his cognizance, he still knew right from wrong and that presently was his singular motivation any more.

The days were careening into chaos as the super villains of the world took note of our hero’s indifference towards advanced crime. The man that we once knew as our savior no longer possessed the knowhow to distinguish a mugger from a evil mastermind…

Sure, the streets were safer to walk at night. The gangs were all but gone. As he walked the streets aimlessly, anyone in any sort of distress would be dealt with and sent to jail. As the months passed however, our beloved hero stopped bringing the would be evil doers to the jail. Rather, he began to tie them up in hopes that the police would find these thugs and take him to jail for him. It wasn’t laziness that prompted him into this course of action. His cloudy mind simply would not permit him to remember where the police department was.

As the days drew on, so too did his amassing confusion. So great had his puzzlement grown, that he had now even forgotten his own name. The once amazing superhero was now no more than a common passerby on the streets of New York. People on the streets would often point at him and whisper. Any time this insufferable experience occurred…

It didn’t matter, he would soon forget anyhow. There was more to his life; a glimmer of thought would sneak through from time to time. Something not…

finished…
Character Personality:
He suddenly awoke. All cognition had returned miraculously. “Where am I?” Jonathan thought to himself. Looking around him, he realized he was in some sort of padded room. White was the prevailing color with a secured door on one wall. Reaching towards the cold steel door that confined him, he ripped the barrier clean off the hinges. Peering out into the hallway, he could hear the screams of demented people emanating from within other chambers within this building. “What is this place?” the rejuvenated hero bellowed out loud.

Two large men dressed in white scrubs rounded a corner and feebly attempted to contain Jonathan. Being a good man, Jonathan did not kill the men. Rather, he simply knocked them unconscious and continued trying to figure out where he was and how he’d gotten there.

Alarms could now be heard. Deafening inside the white hallways he tried to tune out the stentorian sound. Abruptly, the noise stopped and a single man approached…

Deadly Deterioration (Closed Mind)
The man ended up being a neurologist named Dr. Schultz. Jonathan was explained that he suffered from a condition known as Alzheimer’s disease. With a dazed and perplexed look, Jonathan listened as the doctor told him of his… problem. Occurrences of cognition were rare amongst Alzheimer’s cases, but have happened in the past. It was explained to Jonathan that there had been attempts in the past to get him to go to a facility such as this one when he was wandering the streets, but he didn’t realize the enormity of the situation. Blindly, he had roamed the city in search of something of which he knew not. It wasn’t until he was found in an alleyway in a pool of his own blood that he was brought in to this place he was in now.

Also during the explanation, the reality hit Jonathan that he would soon return to this… stammering imbecile that he did not want to be. Dr. Schwartz told Jonathan that he’d been living at this facility for nearly five years now and that the progression of the disease would be disastrous if he were to ever leave. It was all too easy to see what course of action to take next. He would willingly need to be kept on medications to sedate him for the rest of his natural life. It would be too dangerous to leave knowing that he could possibly hurt someone on the outside of these calming walls. He would…

Blind Rage (Berserker)
The haze… the damned cloudiness was returning, wiping out his memory with alarming speed. He’d better hurry if he was to…

“Where am I?” Jonathan asked to himself… Looking around, he asked “Who am I?!”, his voice echoing down the corridor as the doctor scrambled to draw up a large dose of phencyclidine to sedate the hulking hero. The last drop of his sanity had already left his mind though, and before anything could be done, the once proud hero tore through the walls of the facility to escape as fast as he could. He knew not where he would go or what he was supposed to do. The feeling of right and wrong was beginning to completely fade from his thoughts.
Time would now be his greatest enemy…

Determined Vengeance (Radiation)
Upon his escape, a fleeting thought that had seared itself into his already fried mind was that of his archenemy. Somehow, when he was told of him being beaten and left for dead in an alley, Jonathan managed to tuck that bit of hatred away. His sheer hatred left him with a singular goal. For reasons he did not remember, the one called Darkshroud, had to be eliminated.

Wandering the streets once again, this time with but one purpose, Jonathan’s once supercharged brain had begun deteriorating even at the molecular level. The strength of his body and mind would have to manage to hold it together until his blind revenge takes place. If indeed he ever gets the opportunity…

Radiant energy spilled into the streets, causing a wave of unknown destruction in his wake. An incandescent energy glowed upon Jonathan, creating an eerie aura of deadly energy emanating with unbiased destruction. Our hero had inadvertently become the villain of the streets, as people would scatter in every direction at the very sight of him as the months passed.

Little did Jonathan know that he had become a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. Just one thing left to finish…

Unbreakable Spirit (Iron Will)

A normal man would have given up hope by now. A year has passed and still no end in sight. Whether or not his endurance was due to the Alzheimer’s disease or just an unbreakable will to finish an unknown quest before the end, nobody knows. Did it really matter? In that short year, Jonathan had managed to lay waist to the city of New York. Tragedy was abounding in the city that never sleeps. After a whole year of irradiating the metropolis, virtually no inhabitants remained. The only remnants of civilization that remained were those who were too poisoned to flee. Those poor souls lived out the remainder of their miserable lives longing for death to come.

The end was very near now. Sheer madness was finally upon Jonathan. Hallucinations were now prevalent in his thoughts. Anyone he crossed paths with, had the appearance of Darkshroud and would subsequently meet an untimely end. In these last months of life, Jonathan had become more dangerous than ever before. May god help anyone else who has the displeasure of meeting the greatest former hero the world has ever seen…


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 26 2009, 09:16 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



Just read it. That's awesome. No problems at all. Just awesome. I see why you've made it so far already. Twilight of a Superhero. That's what I would've called it. I hope Seven Demons goes against it. If he has his end, I would be honored to have it against the old timer.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
granobulax
Posted: Jan 27 2009, 03:27 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 26 2009, 09:16 PM)
Just read it.  That's awesome.  No problems at all.  Just awesome.  I see why you've made it so far already.  Twilight of a Superhero.  That's what I would've called it.  I hope Seven Demons goes against it.  If he has his end, I would be honored to have it against the old timer.

The same goes for me. If my character goes out, I would prefer it against the Seven Demons of Shukai.


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



Must review something!!!


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 31 2009, 07:08 AM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

What do you mean?


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
Solomon
Posted: Jan 31 2009, 03:39 PM


Head Admin


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,680
Member No.: 3
Joined: 9-January 08



QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 31 2009, 07:08 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

What do you mean?

I mean that once you start grading you never want to stop.


--------------------

Points:

"The first shot rang out from somewhere and I heard a bullet wiz by my face. With my pump action shotgun ready, I shoot the first fool I see."

Grano's so gangster.
Top
treacherous
Posted: Jan 31 2009, 05:29 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 31 2009, 03:39 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 31 2009, 07:08 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

What do you mean?

I mean that once you start grading you never want to stop.

Ah...yes.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
Marvel Man
Posted: Feb 1 2009, 05:54 AM


The Marvel Crusader


Group: Members
Posts: 1,784
Member No.: 89
Joined: 28-September 08



Treach, I wrote three fights called "The Tournament of DC", in the Normal Fight section.

They're far from what I want to write in my CBUB tournament, "The Tournament of Marvels", but they're just ideas I've been throwing around. It would be an honor if you could help me out. You wrote that other tournament, so you might have some experience with the matter.

In other words. Help.


--------------------
Points


user posted image
OFFICIAL 2x HAVEN WRITING COMPETITION CHAMPION!!
OFFICIAL 2ND PLACE WRITER IN ADMIN CONTEST!!

"Do you know what happens to toads that are struck by lightning?
The same thing that happens to everything else."

-Storm
Top
treacherous
Posted: Feb 1 2009, 09:01 PM


Let Hammy have his Bison. I've got Zod.


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,499
Member No.: 37
Joined: 10-June 08



QUOTE (Marvel Man @ Feb 1 2009, 05:54 AM)
Treach, I wrote three fights called "The Tournament of DC", in the Normal Fight section.

They're far from what I want to write in my CBUB tournament, "The Tournament of Marvels", but they're just ideas I've been throwing around. It would be an honor if you could help me out. You wrote that other tournament, so you might have some experience with the matter.

In other words. Help.

I'll have to look them over. Been busy. I'll get to it.


--------------------
Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey.
General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.




QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Apr 9 2009, 03:27 AM)
WTFYES  Treacherous is full of pwnage.
Top
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