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Pages: (7) « First ... 5 6 [7]  ( Go to first unread post )

 Inner workings.
granobulax
Posted: Oct 9 2008, 08:34 AM


He's even got his hand over where I live...


Group: Admin
Posts: 7,880
Member No.: 35
Joined: 31-May 08



QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 8 2008, 10:04 PM)
Heres the first chapter. Tell me what you think, if you think things should be added or changed or if you think it needs to be longer:
Scientist: What is this? (He says putting his hand to the wall of seemed to be about 20Ē in height and width)
Artifact expert: Well it seems to be a door that leads to what I would think would be an underground pyramid.
Worker: Underground?
Artifact: Well, yes they made underground pyramids also in some parts for different reason I canít call to mind. (He said while feeling the doors)
Worker: So how are we supposed to get in?
Artifact expert: With patients. (He says as his hand went over a huge stone on the wall and the doors slowly begin to open.
Worker: Wow, are you sure nothings gonna jump out of there and tear us to shreds? (He said with a smirk on his face)
Expert: Sir, you watch too much television.
They begin to walk into the pyramid admiring the art and writings all over the wall.
Worker: You know what this all means guy?
Expert: Well lets have a look shall we. Iím not sure what this says but I donít think its Egyptian.
Worker: Well that doesnít sound good.
They walk on until they get into the center of the pyramid. A huge room that some how light has seemed to find its way into.
Expert: I donít understand, thereís no gold or silver here.
Worker: So.
Scientist: Maybe some raiders got to it before we did?
Expert: Maybe
They all begin to spread out into the room looking at other stone carvings and art on the wall. Until there here a scream from afarÖ
Worker; Aaahhhh ( Bullets fire)
Expert: Oh noÖ
They all run towards the screams with other workers.
Expert: What is it?!
Worker: The statue it scared the living hell out of me. (He says while wiping the sweat off his forehead)
Expert: Lets not destroy our exhibit!
Worker: Sorry nearly crapped myself.
(The worker begins to turn around to bump into something)
Worker: Not again ( He turns to try to make the statue when he sees eyes glowing standing in front of him.
Shadowing Creature: Leave now!
Worker: What the hell?
The Expert turns the corner to see the man cowering in fear of the shadowing creature.
Expert: What the hell? (He begins to clean off his glasses to get a better look not believing what heís seeing and realizes a crack. He looks up)
The eyes turn to him and immediately he is frozen with fear.
Shadowing creature: Get out now!
The whole pyramids begin to shake. The other workers and scientists start running out of the cavern.
The Expert however stands frozen with fear as the creature begins walking towards him and touches him on his forehead.
Immediately he begins to collapse with his last vision seeing other creatures behind himÖ
The next morning the man jumps up in his bed looking around and feeling his forehead. As soon as he feels everything in place he slams himself back on the bed assuming it was all a dream. Until he reaches over to his nightstand to get his glasses and sees a crack in them.

I like it, but where is it leading to?


--------------------
Points:


I scare little kids.
user posted image

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)
RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!...  Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Solomon and I may be gangsta, but treach is the gangsta of the year!
Top
darkender
Posted: Oct 9 2008, 08:43 PM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



Well I wanted to call this chapter the awakening. This id leading up them actually meeting the character I will just add the family( which by the way we need a name for them) talking to each other. About leaving there tavern to come back to the world.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
Guardian of Nesh
Posted: Oct 9 2008, 10:45 PM


A mole of legendarinesss


Group: Admin
Posts: 3,682
Member No.: 68
Joined: 31-July 08



QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 8 2008, 05:04 PM)
Heres the first chapter. Tell me what you think, if you think things should be added or changed or if you think it needs to be longer:
Scientist: What is this? (He says putting his hand to the wall of seemed to be about 20Ē in height and width)
Artifact expert: Well it seems to be a door that leads to what I would think would be an underground pyramid.
Worker: Underground?
Artifact: Well, yes they made underground pyramids also in some parts for different reason I canít call to mind. (He said while feeling the doors)
Worker: So how are we supposed to get in?
Artifact expert: With patients. (He says as his hand went over a huge stone on the wall and the doors slowly begin to open.
Worker: Wow, are you sure nothings gonna jump out of there and tear us to shreds? (He said with a smirk on his face)
Expert: Sir, you watch too much television.
They begin to walk into the pyramid admiring the art and writings all over the wall.
Worker: You know what this all means guy?
Expert: Well lets have a look shall we. Iím not sure what this says but I donít think its Egyptian.
Worker: Well that doesnít sound good.
They walk on until they get into the center of the pyramid. A huge room that some how light has seemed to find its way into.
Expert: I donít understand, thereís no gold or silver here.
Worker: So.
Scientist: Maybe some raiders got to it before we did?
Expert: Maybe
They all begin to spread out into the room looking at other stone carvings and art on the wall. Until there here a scream from afarÖ
Worker; Aaahhhh ( Bullets fire)
Expert: Oh noÖ
They all run towards the screams with other workers.
Expert: What is it?!
Worker: The statue it scared the living hell out of me. (He says while wiping the sweat off his forehead)
Expert: Lets not destroy our exhibit!
Worker: Sorry nearly crapped myself.
(The worker begins to turn around to bump into something)
Worker: Not again ( He turns to try to make the statue when he sees eyes glowing standing in front of him.
Shadowing Creature: Leave now!
Worker: What the hell?
The Expert turns the corner to see the man cowering in fear of the shadowing creature.
Expert: What the hell? (He begins to clean off his glasses to get a better look not believing what heís seeing and realizes a crack. He looks up)
The eyes turn to him and immediately he is frozen with fear.
Shadowing creature: Get out now!
The whole pyramids begin to shake. The other workers and scientists start running out of the cavern.
The Expert however stands frozen with fear as the creature begins walking towards him and touches him on his forehead.
Immediately he begins to collapse with his last vision seeing other creatures behind himÖ
The next morning the man jumps up in his bed looking around and feeling his forehead. As soon as he feels everything in place he slams himself back on the bed assuming it was all a dream. Until he reaches over to his nightstand to get his glasses and sees a crack in them.

looks good.


--------------------
Points:


'I'm going to die; if this wasteland doesn't kill me the Avatars will. I'm the last Technomancer; as I go so goes my culture.' The thought was serene, not fearful at all. If he was going to die, he'd die fighting; he'd make sure that the Technomancers were never forgotten. Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer would be a name all Avatar would shutter at the thought of for etenity. Morshan now knew what happened to a man who had nothing left to live for but vengence: he became a monster.
Top
darkender
Posted: Oct 10 2008, 02:01 AM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



Now we need to get ionkid to draw it up.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
darkender
Posted: Oct 10 2008, 02:01 AM


Mr. Ego


Group: Members
Posts: 7,693
Member No.: 10
Joined: 10-January 08



Now we need to get ionkid to draw it up.


--------------------
Points:A Gazillion almost as much as my swagga
Top
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