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Haven Of Wiidom > Chit-Chat > FPL CHARACTERS


Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 6 2008, 07:21 PM
Show off your new FPL character.

Posted by: darkender Oct 6 2008, 08:24 PM
dry.gif You guys are really trying to mimic those forums aren't you...

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 6 2008, 09:21 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 08:24 PM)
dry.gif You guys are really trying to mimic those forums aren't you...

laugh.gif Well it seems that a lot of people are trying to make a name for themselves in the FPL. So I thought why not?

Posted by: darkender Oct 6 2008, 09:30 PM
dry.gif See now I feel that I must make a character to show off....but still you guys are like copying the place....

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 6 2008, 09:38 PM
What do you expect, every member on here has been a member of that site at least some time in their life. Also, many still feel a certain connection back to that site.

Posted by: darkender Oct 6 2008, 09:39 PM
dry.gif Thats what I think is wrong with the site. Its just a mini CBUB forum with some of the members. I dont think theres nobody here thats not from CBUB.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 6 2008, 10:02 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 09:39 PM)
dry.gif Thats what I think is wrong with the site. Its just a mini CBUB forum with some of the members. I dont think theres nobody here thats not from CBUB.

There isn't tongue.gif

Posted by: darkender Oct 6 2008, 10:04 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 6 2008, 10:02 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 09:39 PM)
dry.gif Thats what I think is wrong with the site. Its just a mini CBUB forum with some of the members. I dont think theres nobody here thats not from CBUB.

There isn't tongue.gif

dry.gif See...I want new blood....

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 6 2008, 10:05 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 10:04 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 6 2008, 10:02 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 09:39 PM)
dry.gif Thats what I think is wrong with the site. Its just a mini CBUB forum with some of the members. I dont think theres nobody here thats not from CBUB.

There isn't tongue.gif

dry.gif See...I want new blood....

Go find some.

Posted by: darkender Oct 6 2008, 10:24 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 6 2008, 10:05 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 10:04 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 6 2008, 10:02 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 6 2008, 09:39 PM)
dry.gif Thats what I think is wrong with the site. Its just a mini CBUB forum with some of the members. I dont think theres nobody here thats not from CBUB.

There isn't tongue.gif

dry.gif See...I want new blood....

Go find some.

dry.gif Fine I think I will....

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 9 2008, 07:03 PM
Just wanted to show you a new character of mine. It's still in the extremely early process of writing, so don't expect much.




ORIGINS:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. Sometimes I feel alone. Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. The people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Today there was an attempted assassination attempt on my life. Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. It seems that a band of ninjas from my own clan have committed an act of treachery. They revealed our secluded temple to several rival clans. I don’t have much time to write. Currently, we are waging a battle that has already claimed to many lives. The feeling of--

May 7th 1126


The battle continues within my home. Rival clans all across Japan are now vying for control. The mashasaki clan is struggling, and many members have all ready been killed or, captured. In an attempt to save the clan it seems that I must join with the Botakata clan of the north. Unfortunately, I must go alone.



Personality

May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.






I have done any power descriptions yet, apparently my brain refuses to let me write.
biggrin.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 9 2008, 11:59 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 9 2008, 07:03 PM)
Just wanted to show you a new character of mine. It's still in the extremely early process of writing, so don't expect much.




ORIGINS:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. Sometimes I feel alone. Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. The people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Today there was an attempted assassination attempt on my life. Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. It seems that a band of ninjas from my own clan have committed an act of treachery. They revealed our secluded temple to several rival clans. I don’t have much time to write. Currently, we are waging a battle that has already claimed to many lives. The feeling of--

May 7th 1126


The battle continues within my home. Rival clans all across Japan are now vying for control. The mashasaki clan is struggling, and many members have all ready been killed or, captured. In an attempt to save the clan it seems that I must join with the Botakata clan of the north. Unfortunately, I must go alone.



Personality

May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.






I have done any power descriptions yet, apparently my brain refuses to let me write.
biggrin.gif

Hello?!?! Anyone out there?

Posted by: treacherous Oct 10 2008, 01:46 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 9 2008, 11:59 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 9 2008, 07:03 PM)
Just wanted to show you a new character of mine. It's still in the extremely early process of writing, so don't expect much.




ORIGINS:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. Sometimes I feel alone.  Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. The people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Today there was an attempted assassination attempt on my life.  Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. It seems that a band of ninjas from my own clan have committed an act of treachery. They revealed our secluded temple to several rival clans. I don’t have much time to write. Currently, we are waging a battle that has already claimed to many lives. The feeling of--

May 7th 1126


The battle continues within my home. Rival clans all across Japan are now vying for control. The mashasaki clan is struggling, and many members have all ready been killed or, captured. In an attempt to save the clan it seems that I must join with the Botakata clan of the north. Unfortunately, I must go alone.



Personality

May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.






I have done any power descriptions yet, apparently my brain refuses to let me write.
biggrin.gif

Hello?!?! Anyone out there?

Reading things like that takes time. Precious time. I'll get to it. I promise.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 11 2008, 03:52 AM
I think my FPL buzz is coming down. Don't get me wrong I still love the idea of it, but my overwhelming faliure at it is a little discomforting. I am in the middle of another character, but I think I'll let my others die off first. SWman, have you posted this character yet? I still haven't read it. I promise I will. One day. Soon. blink.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 11 2008, 05:30 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 11 2008, 03:52 AM)
I think my FPL buzz is coming down. Don't get me wrong I still love the idea of it, but my overwhelming faliure at it is a little discomforting. I am in the middle of another character, but I think I'll let my others die off first. SWman, have you posted this character yet? I still haven't read it. I promise I will. One day. Soon. blink.gif

No not yet. happy.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 16 2008, 12:18 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 11 2008, 03:52 AM)
I think my FPL buzz is coming down. Don't get me wrong I still love the idea of it, but my overwhelming faliure at it is a little discomforting. I am in the middle of another character, but I think I'll let my others die off first. SWman, have you posted this character yet? I still haven't read it. I promise I will. One day. Soon. blink.gif

Well come on treach we couldn't have picked a worse time to enter. Look at all the potential hall of famers floating around. I mean with Marjus Voyce, Painkiller, Crow is of death Crow is of Doom, Clements... The list just goes on and on. Keep your head up man, your going to make it.

Posted by: Bassetman Oct 16 2008, 12:21 AM
I like reading the Hall of famers. biggrin.gif

Posted by: treacherous Oct 16 2008, 12:54 AM
These guys have light years of experience. It's going to take a while to bridge the gap. I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site. They were good then.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

Posted by: The Ripper Oct 16 2008, 03:07 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 05:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience. It's going to take a while to bridge the gap. I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site. They were good then.

Older than I thought!

Posted by: granobulax Oct 16 2008, 06:08 AM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 16 2008, 10:03 AM
Dont you mean 03 and 04?

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Posted by: granobulax Oct 16 2008, 04:14 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Oct 16 2008, 04:29 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 12:14 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Behind Trech and.......... huh.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 16 2008, 07:08 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 04:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 12:14 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Behind Trech and.......... huh.gif

1. Treacherous
2. Darth Pool
....?
Grano

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Oct 16 2008, 07:29 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 16 2008, 03:08 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 04:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 12:14 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Behind Trech and.......... huh.gif

1. Treacherous
2. Darth Pool
....?
Grano

Bengal! ohmy.gif

Ha, I win! tongue.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 16 2008, 07:36 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 07:29 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 16 2008, 03:08 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 04:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 12:14 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Behind Trech and.......... huh.gif

1. Treacherous
2. Darth Pool
....?
Grano

Bengal! ohmy.gif

Ha, I win! tongue.gif

You can't trust the years they put in on this site.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Oct 16 2008, 07:46 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 16 2008, 03:36 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 07:29 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 16 2008, 03:08 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 04:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 12:14 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Behind Trech and.......... huh.gif

1. Treacherous
2. Darth Pool
....?
Grano

Bengal! ohmy.gif

Ha, I win! tongue.gif

You can't trust the years they put in on this site.

You don't believe he's that old? huh.gif

Trech said he was.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 16 2008, 07:57 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 07:46 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 16 2008, 03:36 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 07:29 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 16 2008, 03:08 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 04:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 12:14 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 16 2008, 02:08 AM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Oct 16 2008, 03:03 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 15 2008, 08:54 PM)
These guys have light years of experience.  It's going to take a while to bridge the gap.  I remember reading these guys write back in 93 and 94 when I first found the site.  They were good then.

You read their writings before I was born? blink.gif

You have to remember, we were around your age when you were born... wink.gif

You were my age when I was born! Your 28, right? huh.gif

Close. I'm 27 and am currintly the 4th oldest member of this site.

Behind Trech and.......... huh.gif

1. Treacherous
2. Darth Pool
....?
Grano

Bengal! ohmy.gif

Ha, I win! tongue.gif

You can't trust the years they put in on this site.

You don't believe he's that old? huh.gif

Trech said he was.

I don't know either way.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 17 2008, 01:28 AM
I actually meant 03 and 04. Sorry, but that brought up the who's oldest thread. I am the oldest here. On the Electric Ferret, almost all the admins are Grano and my age. I grew up with these guys and they didn't even know it. I was a lurker.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 17 2008, 01:42 AM
I remember checking out the Cbub in the 2002 or 2003. For some strange reason I didnt sign up until 2007. Darn.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 17 2008, 09:52 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 17 2008, 01:28 AM)
I actually meant 03 and 04. Sorry, but that brought up the who's oldest thread. I am the oldest here. On the Electric Ferret, almost all the admins are Grano and my age. I grew up with these guys and they didn't even know it. I was a lurker.

You never know, Wolvie might be older than you... laugh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Oct 17 2008, 11:54 AM
I believe we fought in the Civil War together. He gave me an extra musket. He smelled like moonshine!!

psmiley22.gif

Posted by: granobulax Oct 17 2008, 02:38 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 17 2008, 11:54 AM)
I believe we fought in the Civil War together. He gave me an extra musket. He smelled like moonshine!!

psmiley22.gif

Was that you two I saw at the battle of Gettysburg? huh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Oct 17 2008, 06:06 PM
In the flesh.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 18 2008, 02:40 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 17 2008, 06:06 PM)
In the flesh.

I thought I killed you!

... damn yanks... tongue.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 18 2008, 03:04 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 18 2008, 02:40 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 17 2008, 06:06 PM)
In the flesh.

I thought I killed you!

... damn yanks... tongue.gif

Grano's a crazed country rebel.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 18 2008, 03:42 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 18 2008, 03:04 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 18 2008, 02:40 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 17 2008, 06:06 PM)
In the flesh.

I thought I killed you!

... damn yanks... tongue.gif

Grano's a crazed country rebel.

In the flesh! lmao! laugh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Oct 18 2008, 11:02 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 18 2008, 03:42 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 18 2008, 03:04 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 18 2008, 02:40 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 17 2008, 06:06 PM)
In the flesh.

I thought I killed you!

... damn yanks... tongue.gif

Grano's a crazed country rebel.

In the flesh! lmao! laugh.gif

Wolvies was way ahead of his time. Blood transfusion. Healing factor. I got better.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 21 2008, 03:11 AM
Hey, who's bored. Check out Chef Rocko!! http://www.electricferret.com/fpl/underfights/1018-17304.htm

SWman. I just can't understand the FPL. I tied a character on there with my Toyman character and then fight another character that was beaten by the character I tied. I should win against the character that was beaten by the character I tied. Right? No. I'm losing to the character that got beat by the character I tied. Does any of that make sense? It doesn't make sense to me either. Oh well. You live and you learn.

Posted by: The Ripper Oct 21 2008, 03:17 AM
I'm hungry.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 21 2008, 03:18 AM
The deviled eggs recipe at the end is a real recipe. Go make some and be fed.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 23 2008, 11:56 AM
Okay, SWman. I don't know about you, but I'm no longer caring if my characters win or lose on the FPL. It seems they are all made of lose. I am going to still create them, but only for my own enjoyment and need to free my creative side. However, I have lost complete interest in the voting process.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 23 2008, 06:49 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 23 2008, 11:56 AM)
I am going to still create them, but only for my own enjoyment and need to free my creative side.

Exactly, the advice I gave you a few weeks ago. wink.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 23 2008, 06:51 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 21 2008, 03:11 AM)
Hey, who's bored. Check out Chef Rocko!! http://www.electricferret.com/fpl/underfights/1018-17304.htm

SWman. I just can't understand the FPL. I tied a character on there with my Toyman character and then fight another character that was beaten by the character I tied. I should win against the character that was beaten by the character I tied. Right? No. I'm losing to the character that got beat by the character I tied. Does any of that make sense? It doesn't make sense to me either. Oh well. You live and you learn.

Not neccesarily. Your saying because this happened, THIS has to happen. Which, doesn't neccesarily imply here. I understand how you feel though.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 24 2008, 12:10 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 23 2008, 06:49 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 23 2008, 11:56 AM)
I am going to still create them, but only for my own enjoyment and need to free my creative side.

Exactly, the advice I gave you a few weeks ago. wink.gif

I don't listen. I have to figure things out on my own.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 24 2008, 02:42 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 24 2008, 12:10 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 23 2008, 06:49 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 23 2008, 11:56 AM)
I am going to still create them, but only for my own enjoyment and need to free my creative side.

Exactly, the advice I gave you a few weeks ago. wink.gif

I don't listen. I have to figure things out on my own.

That's because you're stubborn! rolleyes.gif laugh.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: treacherous Oct 24 2008, 10:14 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 24 2008, 02:42 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 24 2008, 12:10 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 23 2008, 06:49 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 23 2008, 11:56 AM)
I am going to still create them, but only for my own enjoyment and need to free my creative side.

Exactly, the advice I gave you a few weeks ago. wink.gif

I don't listen. I have to figure things out on my own.

That's because you're stubborn! rolleyes.gif laugh.gif tongue.gif

I'd like to call it a high level of will power. I could own a lantern ring.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 25 2008, 06:03 PM
REVISED VERSION:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. It seems that it has been this way ever since my father was exiled. I think about it almost everyday. He had killed a member of the Shukai clan, during a time of peace. My people were quick to dispel him from the land. If that wasn’t unfortunate enough, by right of inheritance I was made leader of the Mashasaki Clan. They don’t trust me. I can see it in their eyes… I feel alone. Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. I feel as if a great burden has been laid upon my life, all due to the actions of my father. There’s nowhere to run. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. I once again have the feeling that they consider me a traitor. These people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Even as her stomach begins to grow to accommodate our child, she still personifies the word beauty. Not only in the physical sense, her shape makes even the most honorable men fill with lust; she is also graceful in the field of battle. Her quick circular movements, as her nimble bodies flows about like a river is something that artist should aspire to recreate. She brings a feeling of harmony within my life. Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Too many times have there been attempts on my life. Today was no different; once again someone attempted to cut my life short, and yet again had failed. He attacked me during my time of morning meditation. I have to say that his blade was quick, but he made about as much noise as an elephant. I had little problem decapitating him, with a simple wave of the sword. Without turning I knew that my adversary had fallen. After doing this for so long, and so often it no longer fazes me in any way. Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. I felt as if they were taking me away from my only shield from adversity. Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. I was right. A conspiracy created amongst my own clan has caused it to split. My own people have gone from not trusting me to despising me. It’s gotten progressively worse over time, and today it erupted in a furious battle. As I have mentioned before my clan, my very own people are divided. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the sole cause of all of this. You see a group of the clan has created an alliance with our rivals, the Shukai clan. We have been at constant war with the Shukai’s, ever since my great-great-great grand father broke away from the Shukais to create the Mashasaki clan. Now it seems that the events have come full circle.
The morning began with a scream, of terror and it was over when that scream was suddenly silenced. Pandemonium had already engulfed my people when I awoke. Children yelled out for their mothers, as the watched their homes burn, and their fathers murdered by those that had been friends only a few hours ago. My mind was racing, trying to figure what I could do. Something…anything. I quickly unsheathed my sword, and sliced a nearby attacker’s arms off. Over in the distance I could see that my people were struggling to mount a resistance. For some strange reason the symbol of the Mashasaki engraved into their arm, seemed to be calling me. It’s difficult to describe unless you’ve ever witnessed such an occurrence. It seemed to be sending me a message, or some type of signal to alert me of…what? I frantically searched my mind for the answer. I couldn’t ignore my surroundings for much longer; doing so would cause me to loose my life. Then it seems some outside force, directed my gaze downwards. There on my victim’s sleeve was the symbol of the Mashasaki. It was clear to me now. My own people had caused all of this. How was I to know who my enemy was, and who was my ally. How could I spare any of them, when they could very well stab me in the back when I turned? Yet was I really to take innocent lives, just to benefit myself? I had no choice. As I write this I feel a sense of remorse over what I’ve done. I silently sheathed my sword, and walked away. The only thing that matters to me is Hanako. The Mashasaki clan has brought me nothing but strife within my life. However, it is becoming increasingly obvious that, even if I severed all ties with the Mashasaki Clan, I would still be the focal point of this chaos.



May 7th 1126

My internal battle continues. The Mashasaki clan has been all but destroyed. Do I feel resentment for neglecting my own people? Of course I do. Do I feel as if I have become the very thing that I have grown to despise? Perhaps, but I’ll let history decide my fate. Still, There is Hanako. I would not live peacefully if I did not do everything in my power to ensure that she has a peaceful life. How could I doom my child to a life of misery, and bloodshed? That is why I am heading north. The Botataka clan seems to be my vessel to a peaceful existence with my betrothed. The trip will be long, and brutal. People who would see the end of my life wait around every corner. I must be cautious. I cannot allow my mind to drift off, without hopes of having it return. As I ready myself, I can’t keep from thinking about Hanako. Please let her be safe. It seemed like it years ago that I took her to the safe house deep in the woods, but I know deep down that it was not that long. I keep trying to convince myself that she would be safe, secluded from all harm. Yet, something keeps getting under my skin. Can I honestly believe that no conflict will come to her in this raging war that has swept across the land. However, I realize that I must stay motivated. Hanako is all that I am living for. If I were to destroy my bond with her, through fear of losing her I would become less like a man, and more like a beast. I won’t allow that to happen. Everything will be at peace, once my child is born, and that is why I begin my journey north, to the Botataka.

May 14th 1126

I’ve been traveling on foot for a week now. My body aches with every movement that I make. I’ve neglected my journal this whole time. Surely, scholars of later ages will scorn me for being so lethargic… I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I have to find a safe place to rest. Has my struggle no end!


PERSONALITY


May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.


Powers

Violent Expression- (Martial Arts)

May 23rd 1126

I cannot accurately portray my emotions as I laid my eyes on the Botataka clan hideout. It was like a wave finally returning back to shore. There is a sense of relief, maybe even a flicker of hope inside of me. I’m slowly starting to gain my sense of confidence and pride back. Yet, deep down I know that the worse is yet to come. I realize that in a land of chaos, that death can come for me at anytime. When my mind seems to optimistic, my conscience brings it back to a more reasonable level, as I realize that the next moment could be my last. However, I cannot dwell completely on such a pessimistic attitude, for I may never see my love again.
After all those days of travel, it hasn’t really occurred to me how much of my training I’ve neglected. I’ve always counted on the movements of my body to accurately express myself. I’ve noticed this even more profoundly, in these past few days. My strikes are much more aggressive than what they usually are. I’m able to perfectly duplicate my feelings and emotions through my body. I’m very passionate about the way I fight. I have what some may call emotional content to it’s extreme. Now that I am with the Botataka clan, this talent is slowly beginning to return to me.

Your own way (Martial Supremacy)

May 26th 1126

I feel even more at home now. I must admit that I was worried how I would be received by, the Botataka clan in times such as these, but I have been received rather graciously by them. I gladly extend my gratitude to them. Sadly, we cannot allow ourselves such pleasures as massive war approaches. I’ve spent last days, doing nothing, but preparing myself for battle.
I’ve Studied Martial Arts my entire life, and I’ve come to the realization that one needs all that is within him to survive, a confrontation. Another thing that I have come to notice is that following any style is denying yourself of your own creativity. It is like an artist painting the picture of another artist. That is why my style is, no style. I go with my own creativity, and my own mindset. My enemies will soon realize this is why I am truly so deadly.





Structure of my soul
May 27th 1126

There is talk of an upcoming battle amongst the Botatakans. More than not, I feel my fingers reach senselessly for my sword. My weapon has been my constant companion in times of struggle. How can such crude metal posses such beauty and grace as that of my own blade. We are one. When in battle, I feel as if my blade is like a shaping…a weapon of my very soul. My movements are done not by arm, or any muscle for that matter, but by something deep within my being. I’ve often wondered about the source of this connection. I wonder how a man, and a flat piece of metal can be in such perfect union. I guess such things are not important; all that matters is that my blade will allow me one step closer to being with Hanako once again.


For my Love (Iron Will)

May 30th 1126

The battle nears. I can see it in their eyes. The clouds of war are finally upon us. As I sit here, in solitude in this darkened cave I have to wonder if this will be my last drink. Nothing like a bit of wine to calm the spirit. With every breath I take my heart yearns for Hanako; she is my everlasting energy. Could battle be so cruel as to take me away from her? My only source of light is fading quickly. Is this an omen? Will the claws of fate rip from that of my love? No! I will deny heaven itself if I must do so. Hanako, if your out there I’ll be with you one day. One day we will live peacefully with each other. We will watch our son play happily on our farm. (Sigh) Yes, Hanako when the dust of these bloody battlefields finally part, I will be yours forever.


Meanwhile in the great forest west of the Mashasaki training grounds.

Hanako sits quietly amongst the giant trees of the forest. The twinkling light of the moon brightens her sweet face, as she cradles a child in her arms. She smiles sweetly at the little bundle of joy, as the sweet baby coos with joy. Then like a flame that has been extinguished. It’s all gone. Hanako looks down to see a blade protruding from her chest. A red veil creeps over her eyes, and her breath is cut short. The bond has been broken.





Posted by: darkender Oct 25 2008, 06:06 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 25 2008, 06:03 PM)
REVISED VERSION:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. It seems that it has been this way ever since my father was exiled. I think about it almost everyday. He had killed a member of the Shukai clan, during a time of peace. My people were quick to dispel him from the land. If that wasn’t unfortunate enough, by right of inheritance I was made leader of the Mashasaki Clan. They don’t trust me. I can see it in their eyes… I feel alone. Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. I feel as if a great burden has been laid upon my life, all due to the actions of my father. There’s nowhere to run. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. I once again have the feeling that they consider me a traitor. These people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Even as her stomach begins to grow to accommodate our child, she still personifies the word beauty. Not only in the physical sense, her shape makes even the most honorable men fill with lust; she is also graceful in the field of battle. Her quick circular movements, as her nimble bodies flows about like a river is something that artist should aspire to recreate. She brings a feeling of harmony within my life. Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Too many times have there been attempts on my life. Today was no different; once again someone attempted to cut my life short, and yet again had failed. He attacked me during my time of morning meditation. I have to say that his blade was quick, but he made about as much noise as an elephant. I had little problem decapitating him, with a simple wave of the sword. Without turning I knew that my adversary had fallen. After doing this for so long, and so often it no longer fazes me in any way. Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. I felt as if they were taking me away from my only shield from adversity. Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. I was right. A conspiracy created amongst my own clan has caused it to split. My own people have gone from not trusting me to despising me. It’s gotten progressively worse over time, and today it erupted in a furious battle. As I have mentioned before my clan, my very own people are divided. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the sole cause of all of this. You see a group of the clan has created an alliance with our rivals, the Shukai clan. We have been at constant war with the Shukai’s, ever since my great-great-great grand father broke away from the Shukais to create the Mashasaki clan. Now it seems that the events have come full circle.
The morning began with a scream, of terror and it was over when that scream was suddenly silenced. Pandemonium had already engulfed my people when I awoke. Children yelled out for their mothers, as the watched their homes burn, and their fathers murdered by those that had been friends only a few hours ago. My mind was racing, trying to figure what I could do. Something…anything. I quickly unsheathed my sword, and sliced a nearby attacker’s arms off. Over in the distance I could see that my people were struggling to mount a resistance. For some strange reason the symbol of the Mashasaki engraved into their arm, seemed to be calling me. It’s difficult to describe unless you’ve ever witnessed such an occurrence. It seemed to be sending me a message, or some type of signal to alert me of…what? I frantically searched my mind for the answer. I couldn’t ignore my surroundings for much longer; doing so would cause me to loose my life. Then it seems some outside force, directed my gaze downwards. There on my victim’s sleeve was the symbol of the Mashasaki. It was clear to me now. My own people had caused all of this. How was I to know who my enemy was, and who was my ally. How could I spare any of them, when they could very well stab me in the back when I turned? Yet was I really to take innocent lives, just to benefit myself? I had no choice. As I write this I feel a sense of remorse over what I’ve done. I silently sheathed my sword, and walked away. The only thing that matters to me is Hanako. The Mashasaki clan has brought me nothing but strife within my life. However, it is becoming increasingly obvious that, even if I severed all ties with the Mashasaki Clan, I would still be the focal point of this chaos.



May 7th 1126

My internal battle continues. The Mashasaki clan has been all but destroyed. Do I feel resentment for neglecting my own people? Of course I do. Do I feel as if I have become the very thing that I have grown to despise? Perhaps, but I’ll let history decide my fate. Still, There is Hanako. I would not live peacefully if I did not do everything in my power to ensure that she has a peaceful life. How could I doom my child to a life of misery, and bloodshed? That is why I am heading north. The Botataka clan seems to be my vessel to a peaceful existence with my betrothed. The trip will be long, and brutal. People who would see the end of my life wait around every corner. I must be cautious. I cannot allow my mind to drift off, without hopes of having it return. As I ready myself, I can’t keep from thinking about Hanako. Please let her be safe. It seemed like it years ago that I took her to the safe house deep in the woods, but I know deep down that it was not that long. I keep trying to convince myself that she would be safe, secluded from all harm. Yet, something keeps getting under my skin. Can I honestly believe that no conflict will come to her in this raging war that has swept across the land. However, I realize that I must stay motivated. Hanako is all that I am living for. If I were to destroy my bond with her, through fear of losing her I would become less like a man, and more like a beast. I won’t allow that to happen. Everything will be at peace, once my child is born, and that is why I begin my journey north, to the Botataka.

May 14th 1126

I’ve been traveling on foot for a week now. My body aches with every movement that I make. I’ve neglected my journal this whole time. Surely, scholars of later ages will scorn me for being so lethargic… I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I have to find a safe place to rest. Has my struggle no end!


PERSONALITY


May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.


Powers

Violent Expression- (Martial Arts)

May 23rd 1126

I cannot accurately portray my emotions as I laid my eyes on the Botataka clan hideout. It was like a wave finally returning back to shore. There is a sense of relief, maybe even a flicker of hope inside of me. I’m slowly starting to gain my sense of confidence and pride back. Yet, deep down I know that the worse is yet to come. I realize that in a land of chaos, that death can come for me at anytime. When my mind seems to optimistic, my conscience brings it back to a more reasonable level, as I realize that the next moment could be my last. However, I cannot dwell completely on such a pessimistic attitude, for I may never see my love again.
After all those days of travel, it hasn’t really occurred to me how much of my training I’ve neglected. I’ve always counted on the movements of my body to accurately express myself. I’ve noticed this even more profoundly, in these past few days. My strikes are much more aggressive than what they usually are. I’m able to perfectly duplicate my feelings and emotions through my body. I’m very passionate about the way I fight. I have what some may call emotional content to it’s extreme. Now that I am with the Botataka clan, this talent is slowly beginning to return to me.

Your own way (Martial Supremacy)

May 26th 1126

I feel even more at home now. I must admit that I was worried how I would be received by, the Botataka clan in times such as these, but I have been received rather graciously by them. I gladly extend my gratitude to them. Sadly, we cannot allow ourselves such pleasures as massive war approaches. I’ve spent last days, doing nothing, but preparing myself for battle.
I’ve Studied Martial Arts my entire life, and I’ve come to the realization that one needs all that is within him to survive, a confrontation. Another thing that I have come to notice is that following any style is denying yourself of your own creativity. It is like an artist painting the picture of another artist. That is why my style is, no style. I go with my own creativity, and my own mindset. My enemies will soon realize this is why I am truly so deadly.





Structure of my soul
May 27th 1126

There is talk of an upcoming battle amongst the Botatakans. More than not, I feel my fingers reach senselessly for my sword. My weapon has been my constant companion in times of struggle. How can such crude metal posses such beauty and grace as that of my own blade. We are one. When in battle, I feel as if my blade is like a shaping…a weapon of my very soul. My movements are done not by arm, or any muscle for that matter, but by something deep within my being. I’ve often wondered about the source of this connection. I wonder how a man, and a flat piece of metal can be in such perfect union. I guess such things are not important; all that matters is that my blade will allow me one step closer to being with Hanako once again.


For my Love (Iron Will)

May 30th 1126

The battle nears. I can see it in their eyes. The clouds of war are finally upon us. As I sit here, in solitude in this darkened cave I have to wonder if this will be my last drink. Nothing like a bit of wine to calm the spirit. With every breath I take my heart yearns for Hanako; she is my everlasting energy. Could battle be so cruel as to take me away from her? My only source of light is fading quickly. Is this an omen? Will the claws of fate rip from that of my love? No! I will deny heaven itself if I must do so. Hanako, if your out there I’ll be with you one day. One day we will live peacefully with each other. We will watch our son play happily on our farm. (Sigh) Yes, Hanako when the dust of these bloody battlefields finally part, I will be yours forever.


Meanwhile in the great forest west of the Mashasaki training grounds.

Hanako sits quietly amongst the giant trees of the forest. The twinkling light of the moon brightens her sweet face, as she cradles a child in her arms. She smiles sweetly at the little bundle of joy, as the sweet baby coos with joy. Then like a flame that has been extinguished. It’s all gone. Hanako looks down to see a blade protruding from her chest. A red veil creeps over her eyes, and her breath is cut short. The bond has been broken.

dry.gif OMG SWM

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 25 2008, 06:07 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 25 2008, 06:06 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 25 2008, 06:03 PM)
REVISED VERSION:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. It seems that it has been this way ever since my father was exiled. I think about it almost everyday. He had killed a member of the Shukai clan, during a time of peace. My people were quick to dispel him from the land. If that wasn’t unfortunate enough, by right of inheritance I was made leader of the Mashasaki Clan. They don’t trust me. I can see it in their eyes… I feel alone.  Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. I feel as if a great burden has been laid upon my life, all due to the actions of my father. There’s nowhere to run. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. I once again have the feeling that they consider me a traitor.  These people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Even as her stomach begins to grow to accommodate our child, she still personifies the word beauty. Not only in the physical sense, her shape makes even the most honorable men fill with lust; she is also graceful in the field of battle. Her quick circular movements, as her nimble bodies flows about like a river is something that artist should aspire to recreate. She brings a feeling of harmony within my life.  Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Too many times have there been attempts on my life. Today was no different; once again someone attempted to cut my life short, and yet again had failed. He attacked me during my time of morning meditation. I have to say that his blade was quick, but he made about as much noise as an elephant. I had little problem decapitating him, with a simple wave of the sword. Without turning I knew that my adversary had fallen. After doing this for so long, and so often it no longer fazes me in any way.  Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. I felt as if they were taking me away from my only shield from adversity.  Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. I was right. A conspiracy created amongst my own clan has caused it to split. My own people have gone from not trusting me to despising me. It’s gotten progressively worse over time, and today it erupted in a furious battle. As I have mentioned before my clan, my very own people are divided. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the sole cause of all of this. You see a group of the clan has created an alliance with our rivals, the Shukai clan. We have been at constant war with the Shukai’s, ever since my great-great-great grand father broke away from the Shukais to create the Mashasaki clan. Now it seems that the events have come full circle.
The morning began with a scream, of terror and it was over when that scream was suddenly silenced. Pandemonium had already engulfed my people when I awoke. Children yelled out for their mothers, as the watched their homes burn, and their fathers murdered by those that had been friends only a few hours ago. My mind was racing, trying to figure what I could do. Something…anything. I quickly unsheathed my sword, and sliced a nearby attacker’s arms off. Over in the distance I could see that my people were struggling to mount a resistance. For some strange reason the symbol of the Mashasaki engraved into their arm, seemed to be calling me. It’s difficult to describe unless you’ve ever witnessed such an occurrence. It seemed to be sending me a message, or some type of signal to alert me of…what? I frantically searched my mind for the answer. I couldn’t ignore my surroundings for much longer; doing so would cause me to loose my life. Then it seems some outside force, directed my gaze downwards. There on my victim’s sleeve was the symbol of the Mashasaki. It was clear to me now. My own people had caused all of this. How was I to know who my enemy was, and who was my ally. How could I spare any of them, when they could very well stab me in the back when I turned? Yet was I really to take innocent lives, just to benefit myself? I had no choice. As I write this I feel a sense of remorse over what I’ve done. I silently sheathed my sword, and walked away. The only thing that matters to me is Hanako. The Mashasaki clan has brought me nothing but strife within my life. However, it is becoming increasingly obvious that, even if I severed all ties with the Mashasaki Clan, I would still be the focal point of this chaos.



May 7th 1126

My internal battle continues. The Mashasaki clan has been all but destroyed. Do I feel resentment for neglecting my own people? Of course I do. Do I feel as if I have become the very thing that I have grown to despise? Perhaps, but I’ll let history decide my fate. Still, There is Hanako. I would not live peacefully if I did not do everything in my power to ensure that she has a peaceful life. How could I doom my child to a life of misery, and bloodshed? That is why I am heading north. The Botataka clan seems to be my vessel to a peaceful existence with my betrothed. The trip will be long, and brutal. People who would see the end of my life wait around every corner. I must be cautious. I cannot allow my mind to drift off, without hopes of having it return. As I ready myself, I can’t keep from thinking about Hanako. Please let her be safe. It seemed like it years ago that I took her to the safe house deep in the woods, but I know deep down that it was not that long. I keep trying to convince myself that she would be safe, secluded from all harm. Yet, something keeps getting under my skin. Can I honestly believe that no conflict will come to her in this raging war that has swept across the land. However, I realize that I must stay motivated. Hanako is all that I am living for. If I were to destroy my bond with her, through fear of losing her I would become less like a man, and more like a beast. I won’t allow that to happen. Everything will be at peace, once my child is born, and that is why I begin my journey north, to the Botataka.

May 14th 1126

I’ve been traveling on foot for a week now. My body aches with every movement that I make. I’ve neglected my journal this whole time. Surely, scholars of later ages will scorn me for being so lethargic… I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I have to find a safe place to rest.  Has my struggle no end!


PERSONALITY


May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.


Powers

Violent Expression- (Martial Arts)

May 23rd 1126

I cannot accurately portray my emotions as I laid my eyes on the Botataka clan hideout. It was like a wave finally returning back to shore. There is a sense of relief, maybe even a flicker of hope inside of me. I’m slowly starting to gain my sense of confidence and pride back. Yet, deep down I know that the worse is yet to come. I realize that in a land of chaos, that death can come for me at anytime. When my mind seems to optimistic, my conscience brings it back to a more reasonable level, as I realize that the next moment could be my last. However, I cannot dwell completely on such a pessimistic attitude, for I may never see my love again.
After all those days of travel, it hasn’t really occurred to me how much of my training I’ve neglected.  I’ve always counted on the movements of my body to accurately express myself. I’ve noticed this even more profoundly, in these past few days. My strikes are much more aggressive than what they usually are. I’m able to perfectly duplicate my feelings and emotions through my body. I’m very passionate about the way I fight. I have what some may call emotional content to it’s extreme. Now that I am with the Botataka clan, this talent is slowly beginning to return to me.

Your own way (Martial Supremacy)

May 26th 1126

I feel even more at home now. I must admit that I was worried how I would be received by, the Botataka clan in times such as these, but I have been received rather graciously by them. I gladly extend my gratitude to them. Sadly, we cannot allow ourselves such pleasures as massive war approaches. I’ve spent last days, doing nothing, but preparing myself for battle.
I’ve Studied Martial Arts my entire life, and I’ve come to the realization that one needs all that is within him to survive, a confrontation. Another thing that I have come to notice is that following any style is denying yourself of your own creativity. It is like an artist painting the picture of another artist. That is why my style is, no style. I go with my own creativity, and my own mindset. My enemies will soon realize this is why I am truly so deadly.


 


            Structure of my soul
            May 27th 1126

There is talk of an upcoming battle amongst the Botatakans. More than not, I feel my fingers reach senselessly for my sword. My weapon has been my constant companion in times of struggle. How can such crude metal posses such beauty and grace as that of my own blade. We are one. When in battle, I feel as if my blade is like a shaping…a weapon of my very soul. My movements are done not by arm, or any muscle for that matter, but by something deep within my being. I’ve often wondered about the source of this connection. I wonder how a man, and a flat piece of metal can be in such perfect union. I guess such things are not important; all that matters is that my blade will allow me one step closer to being with Hanako once again.


For my Love  (Iron Will)

May 30th 1126

The battle nears. I can see it in their eyes. The clouds of war are finally upon us. As I sit here, in solitude in this darkened cave I have to wonder if this will be my last drink. Nothing like a bit of wine to calm the spirit. With every breath I take my heart yearns for Hanako; she is my everlasting energy. Could battle be so cruel as to take me away from her? My only source of light is fading quickly. Is this an omen? Will the claws of fate rip from that of my love? No! I will deny heaven itself if I must do so. Hanako, if your out there I’ll be with you one day. One day we will live peacefully with each other. We will watch our son play happily on our farm. (Sigh) Yes, Hanako when the dust of these bloody battlefields finally part, I will be yours forever.


Meanwhile in the great forest west of the Mashasaki training grounds.

Hanako sits quietly amongst the giant trees of the forest. The twinkling light of the moon brightens her sweet face, as she cradles a child in her arms. She smiles sweetly at the little bundle of joy, as the sweet baby coos with joy. Then like a flame that has been extinguished. It’s all gone. Hanako looks down to see a blade protruding from her chest. A red veil creeps over her eyes, and her breath is cut short. The bond has been broken.

dry.gif OMG SWM

What? unsure.gif

Posted by: darkender Oct 25 2008, 06:08 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 25 2008, 06:07 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 25 2008, 06:06 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 25 2008, 06:03 PM)
REVISED VERSION:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It’s a dark time for the Mashasaki clan. Never in history have we been so surrounded by so much adversity, and corruption. It seems that it has been this way ever since my father was exiled. I think about it almost everyday. He had killed a member of the Shukai clan, during a time of peace. My people were quick to dispel him from the land. If that wasn’t unfortunate enough, by right of inheritance I was made leader of the Mashasaki Clan. They don’t trust me. I can see it in their eyes… I feel alone.  Great shadows swarm about my being. I feel trapped. Though my prison has no bars, chains, and it doesn’t have a key. There’s no escape for me. I feel as if a great burden has been laid upon my life, all due to the actions of my father. There’s nowhere to run. Yet there is one that keeps me going. One that allows me to continue on my journey day after day after day. She’s the most beautiful gift I could have hoped for. Her touch seems to bring a certain peace within me. As her lips press against mine, my worries…my constant struggle seem very miniscule compared to our undying bond.

April 25th, 1126

There seems to be growing tensions among the clan. I once again have the feeling that they consider me a traitor.  These people, who I should be able to trust with my life, are now a constant burden in my everyday life. All honors that have been brought down from generation to generation have diminished. I know not what to do. However, I can’t allow these shadows to overcome my happiness. I have to keep going for the sake of Hanako. Destiny not only has left with unending struggle within, it has also given me great gifts…A beautiful wife, and soon I will be a father. The joy that comes with knowing this also gives me a sense of dread. For I am bringing my only son into a world of chaos.

April 31st, 1126

My time is now completely occupied with caring for Hanako as she readies to give birth to our child. Even as her stomach begins to grow to accommodate our child, she still personifies the word beauty. Not only in the physical sense, her shape makes even the most honorable men fill with lust; she is also graceful in the field of battle. Her quick circular movements, as her nimble bodies flows about like a river is something that artist should aspire to recreate. She brings a feeling of harmony within my life.   Yet, it seems whenever I find a sense of peace, and tranquility there seems to be more trouble waiting at my doorstep. Too many times have there been attempts on my life. Today was no different; once again someone attempted to cut my life short, and yet again had failed. He attacked me during my time of morning meditation. I have to say that his blade was quick, but he made about as much noise as an elephant. I had little problem decapitating him, with a simple wave of the sword. Without turning I knew that my adversary had fallen. After doing this for so long, and so often it no longer fazes me in any way.  Being the leader of clan that is hated by so many of the region, I am used to such things. However, the feeling was different this time. It felt like I was killing a member of my own family rather than an enemy. Perhaps it is because I felt like they were trying to take me away from my one escape from trouble. I felt as if they were taking me away from my only shield from adversity.  Sadly, the more I think about it the more I wish he had ended my suffering. Then I look at her face, and imagine the happiness that will be brought to us when our child is brought into the world.

May 3rd, 1126

Chaos. That’s all I can say about these events. I was right. A conspiracy created amongst my own clan has caused it to split. My own people have gone from not trusting me to despising me. It’s gotten progressively worse over time, and today it erupted in a furious battle. As I have mentioned before my clan, my very own people are divided. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the sole cause of all of this. You see a group of the clan has created an alliance with our rivals, the Shukai clan. We have been at constant war with the Shukai’s, ever since my great-great-great grand father broke away from the Shukais to create the Mashasaki clan. Now it seems that the events have come full circle.
The morning began with a scream, of terror and it was over when that scream was suddenly silenced. Pandemonium had already engulfed my people when I awoke. Children yelled out for their mothers, as the watched their homes burn, and their fathers murdered by those that had been friends only a few hours ago. My mind was racing, trying to figure what I could do. Something…anything. I quickly unsheathed my sword, and sliced a nearby attacker’s arms off. Over in the distance I could see that my people were struggling to mount a resistance. For some strange reason the symbol of the Mashasaki engraved into their arm, seemed to be calling me. It’s difficult to describe unless you’ve ever witnessed such an occurrence. It seemed to be sending me a message, or some type of signal to alert me of…what? I frantically searched my mind for the answer. I couldn’t ignore my surroundings for much longer; doing so would cause me to loose my life. Then it seems some outside force, directed my gaze downwards. There on my victim’s sleeve was the symbol of the Mashasaki. It was clear to me now. My own people had caused all of this. How was I to know who my enemy was, and who was my ally. How could I spare any of them, when they could very well stab me in the back when I turned? Yet was I really to take innocent lives, just to benefit myself? I had no choice. As I write this I feel a sense of remorse over what I’ve done. I silently sheathed my sword, and walked away. The only thing that matters to me is Hanako. The Mashasaki clan has brought me nothing but strife within my life. However, it is becoming increasingly obvious that, even if I severed all ties with the Mashasaki Clan, I would still be the focal point of this chaos.



May 7th 1126

My internal battle continues. The Mashasaki clan has been all but destroyed. Do I feel resentment for neglecting my own people? Of course I do. Do I feel as if I have become the very thing that I have grown to despise? Perhaps, but I’ll let history decide my fate. Still, There is Hanako. I would not live peacefully if I did not do everything in my power to ensure that she has a peaceful life. How could I doom my child to a life of misery, and bloodshed? That is why I am heading north. The Botataka clan seems to be my vessel to a peaceful existence with my betrothed. The trip will be long, and brutal. People who would see the end of my life wait around every corner. I must be cautious. I cannot allow my mind to drift off, without hopes of having it return. As I ready myself, I can’t keep from thinking about Hanako. Please let her be safe. It seemed like it years ago that I took her to the safe house deep in the woods, but I know deep down that it was not that long. I keep trying to convince myself that she would be safe, secluded from all harm. Yet, something keeps getting under my skin. Can I honestly believe that no conflict will come to her in this raging war that has swept across the land. However, I realize that I must stay motivated. Hanako is all that I am living for. If I were to destroy my bond with her, through fear of losing her I would become less like a man, and more like a beast. I won’t allow that to happen. Everything will be at peace, once my child is born, and that is why I begin my journey north, to the Botataka.

May 14th 1126

I’ve been traveling on foot for a week now. My body aches with every movement that I make. I’ve neglected my journal this whole time. Surely, scholars of later ages will scorn me for being so lethargic… I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I have to find a safe place to rest.  Has my struggle no end!


PERSONALITY


May 16th 1126
Curse my ancestors. They have damned me to a life of no meaning. Foolish imbeciles! I don’t even know why I bother; the Mashasaki clan means nothing to me!
As I look towards the sun, I realize that the only way to end my suffering is to do it myself.

May 17th 1126

I should be dead right now. I was so certain that I wanted to end my constant burden. I was so certain that I wanted to end my life… my pain! Oh, I wish I could have plunged my sword straight into my heart. How I wish that my breath would be cut short, and I could rest peacefully… Hanako, she is my life. my very being. She is the essence of my very soul. I dare not leave her in the land of the living as I succumb to the rivers of death! She has what has kept me going for all this time, yet I now realize that she has also been the reason that I choose to endure such hardships. All my life I’ve living for the sole reason that one day I could have a child. A child would allow me to live on forever through endless generations. Hanako is my path to achieving this. She is the key to the door of my dreams. I’m so close. Someone please help me… I’m so close.


Powers

Violent Expression- (Martial Arts)

May 23rd 1126

I cannot accurately portray my emotions as I laid my eyes on the Botataka clan hideout. It was like a wave finally returning back to shore. There is a sense of relief, maybe even a flicker of hope inside of me. I’m slowly starting to gain my sense of confidence and pride back. Yet, deep down I know that the worse is yet to come. I realize that in a land of chaos, that death can come for me at anytime. When my mind seems to optimistic, my conscience brings it back to a more reasonable level, as I realize that the next moment could be my last. However, I cannot dwell completely on such a pessimistic attitude, for I may never see my love again.
After all those days of travel, it hasn’t really occurred to me how much of my training I’ve neglected.   I’ve always counted on the movements of my body to accurately express myself. I’ve noticed this even more profoundly, in these past few days. My strikes are much more aggressive than what they usually are. I’m able to perfectly duplicate my feelings and emotions through my body. I’m very passionate about the way I fight. I have what some may call emotional content to it’s extreme. Now that I am with the Botataka clan, this talent is slowly beginning to return to me.

Your own way (Martial Supremacy)

May 26th 1126

I feel even more at home now. I must admit that I was worried how I would be received by, the Botataka clan in times such as these, but I have been received rather graciously by them. I gladly extend my gratitude to them. Sadly, we cannot allow ourselves such pleasures as massive war approaches. I’ve spent last days, doing nothing, but preparing myself for battle.
I’ve Studied Martial Arts my entire life, and I’ve come to the realization that one needs all that is within him to survive, a confrontation. Another thing that I have come to notice is that following any style is denying yourself of your own creativity. It is like an artist painting the picture of another artist. That is why my style is, no style. I go with my own creativity, and my own mindset. My enemies will soon realize this is why I am truly so deadly.


 


             Structure of my soul
             May 27th 1126

There is talk of an upcoming battle amongst the Botatakans. More than not, I feel my fingers reach senselessly for my sword. My weapon has been my constant companion in times of struggle. How can such crude metal posses such beauty and grace as that of my own blade. We are one. When in battle, I feel as if my blade is like a shaping…a weapon of my very soul. My movements are done not by arm, or any muscle for that matter, but by something deep within my being. I’ve often wondered about the source of this connection. I wonder how a man, and a flat piece of metal can be in such perfect union. I guess such things are not important; all that matters is that my blade will allow me one step closer to being with Hanako once again.


For my Love  (Iron Will)

May 30th 1126

The battle nears. I can see it in their eyes. The clouds of war are finally upon us. As I sit here, in solitude in this darkened cave I have to wonder if this will be my last drink. Nothing like a bit of wine to calm the spirit. With every breath I take my heart yearns for Hanako; she is my everlasting energy. Could battle be so cruel as to take me away from her? My only source of light is fading quickly. Is this an omen? Will the claws of fate rip from that of my love? No! I will deny heaven itself if I must do so. Hanako, if your out there I’ll be with you one day. One day we will live peacefully with each other. We will watch our son play happily on our farm. (Sigh) Yes, Hanako when the dust of these bloody battlefields finally part, I will be yours forever.


Meanwhile in the great forest west of the Mashasaki training grounds.

Hanako sits quietly amongst the giant trees of the forest. The twinkling light of the moon brightens her sweet face, as she cradles a child in her arms. She smiles sweetly at the little bundle of joy, as the sweet baby coos with joy. Then like a flame that has been extinguished. It’s all gone. Hanako looks down to see a blade protruding from her chest. A red veil creeps over her eyes, and her breath is cut short. The bond has been broken.

dry.gif OMG SWM

What? unsure.gif

Thats sooo long!!!!

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 25 2008, 06:10 PM
Not really. Smolak was way longer. There are characters in the Hall of fame that hit around 8,000.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 26 2008, 03:46 PM
Anyone have some kind of reaction to my character?

Posted by: treacherous Oct 28 2008, 02:37 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 26 2008, 03:46 PM)
Anyone have some kind of reaction to my character?

You know I'll look at it and give it a decent critique. It will just take me a week or so. I've got that EF lazy thing going.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 28 2008, 02:38 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 28 2008, 02:37 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 26 2008, 03:46 PM)
Anyone have some kind of reaction to my character?

You know I'll look at it and give it a decent critique. It will just take me a week or so. I've got that EF lazy thing going.

No rush

Posted by: granobulax Oct 28 2008, 03:31 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 25 2008, 06:03 PM)
REVISED VERSION:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It

That was truely amazing. Some of the best stuff I've seen so far on these sites.

The good:

1. Great character development. I felt like I really got to know the character.

2. I enjoyed getting into the characters thought process. Goes along with the character development.

3. The story moved along at a good pace. No stagnant periods where the story gets stale.

4. His internal conflict was what made this story. He really felt human, real. I can relate to him best with this style of writing.

The bad:

1. At the beginning, there were a lot of short sentences. It seemed a little fragmented and didn't flow as well as the rest of the story.

2. He cut BOTH arms off of his foe at the same time? It seemed awkward right there. I would suggest revising just a little.

3. The ending of the story was a bit expected. The way you built up his love for her and her bearing his child, lead exactly where I thought you were going.


All in all, great work! I'm very glad to have read it. (Although it did take a while lol)

Posted by: darkender Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme: As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard: As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city" He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard: He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen. Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.



Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 28 2008, 06:59 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme: As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard: As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city" He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard: He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen. Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

Once again post it on electric ferret.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 28 2008, 07:02 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 28 2008, 03:31 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 25 2008, 06:03 PM)
REVISED VERSION:

[Translated from Japanese]

April 23rd, 1126


It

That was truely amazing. Some of the best stuff I've seen so far on these sites.

The good:

1. Great character development. I felt like I really got to know the character.

2. I enjoyed getting into the characters thought process. Goes along with the character development.

3. The story moved along at a good pace. No stagnant periods where the story gets stale.

4. His internal conflict was what made this story. He really felt human, real. I can relate to him best with this style of writing.

The bad:

1. At the beginning, there were a lot of short sentences. It seemed a little fragmented and didn't flow as well as the rest of the story.

2. He cut BOTH arms off of his foe at the same time? It seemed awkward right there. I would suggest revising just a little.

3. The ending of the story was a bit expected. The way you built up his love for her and her bearing his child, lead exactly where I thought you were going.


All in all, great work! I'm very glad to have read it. (Although it did take a while lol)

Thanks grano!

1. Hmmmmm Didn't really notice that. I'll have to work on that on my next revision.

2. Grammar mistake. I have a ton of those.

3. Yeah, I'm going to figure out a way for it to be more... plot-twisty huh.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme: As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard: As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city" He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard: He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen. Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.


Here's my advice:

To simplistic. Your story sounds more like a shopping list, than an actual story. You need to add more to your character. Instead of saying: "This happened, then that happened." Talk about the transition from this to that








Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM
happy.gif It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Posted by: darkender Oct 29 2008, 04:04 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.


Here's my advice:

To simplistic. Your story sounds more like a shopping list, than an actual story. You need to add more to your character. Instead of saying: "This happened, then that happened." Talk about the transition from this to that

A Shopping list? Okay? Thanks for the help anyway though I'll add some more stuff.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 29 2008, 10:35 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A B-!? That's kinda rough...

Posted by: darkender Oct 29 2008, 10:37 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 10:35 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A B-!? That's kinda rough...

Dont tell him that and ruin his good mood.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 30 2008, 12:06 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 10:35 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A B-!? That's kinda rough...

No that's a really good grade coming from him.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 30 2008, 02:43 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 30 2008, 12:06 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 10:35 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A B-!? That's kinda rough...

No that's a really good grade coming from him.

Well, in that case, congradulations. I would have given it an A, but I guess I'm not THAT tough a grader lol

Posted by: treacherous Oct 30 2008, 03:34 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A rule you probably already know.

Rule #1: Never take an admin's grade of your character as a likelihood your character will do well.

I've received a lot of pretty good praise for Toyman of Nhazak. I've received a B from an admin and a C from Landon (who is immensely hard to impress). Take everything they say into consideration, but don't get those hopes up. You know better. Like I told you, I'm not creating another character until I know I've got it right. I want to really compete a little.

Posted by: granobulax Oct 30 2008, 05:40 AM
Ya know, the more I listen to how the FPL works, the less I want to try it in December...

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Oct 30 2008, 10:21 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 03:34 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A rule you probably already know.

Rule #1: Never take an admin's grade of your character as a likelihood your character will do well.

I've received a lot of pretty good praise for Toyman of Nhazak. I've received a B from an admin and a C from Landon (who is immensely hard to impress). Take everything they say into consideration, but don't get those hopes up. You know better. Like I told you, I'm not creating another character until I know I've got it right. I want to really compete a little.

Treach treach treach. I don't care about winning or losing matches. All I care about is improving myself as a writer. If thepoet gives me that kind of praise, I'm a happy camper. I don't compare myself to other peoples work, because I'll end up never wanting to write again.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 30 2008, 04:59 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 30 2008, 10:21 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 03:34 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 29 2008, 07:42 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Oct 29 2008, 02:03 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Oct 28 2008, 07:18 PM)
happy.gif  It seems The Poet, gave me a B- for my character.

Which character are you talking about?

Mashasaki.

A rule you probably already know.

Rule #1: Never take an admin's grade of your character as a likelihood your character will do well.

I've received a lot of pretty good praise for Toyman of Nhazak. I've received a B from an admin and a C from Landon (who is immensely hard to impress). Take everything they say into consideration, but don't get those hopes up. You know better. Like I told you, I'm not creating another character until I know I've got it right. I want to really compete a little.

Treach treach treach. I don't care about winning or losing matches. All I care about is improving myself as a writer. If thepoet gives me that kind of praise, I'm a happy camper. I don't compare myself to other peoples work, because I'll end up never wanting to write again.

Ah, young padawan. Someday save the galaxy you will.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme: As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard: As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city" He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard: He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen. Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 31 2008, 08:13 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Alright, read it. Extremely long winded. However, Interesting and overall well written. Meh, towards the cliche' love brings them together even though they are far apart thing. Yet, I really love the "oops, killed her" thing at the end. That's messed up. I didn't see it coming. I agree with Poet's grade. If this were a CBUB set up, it would be an A+++. When are you submitting him. I almost want to do the villain to this guy. I want to create the guy who killed his girl. It wouldn't be anytime soon though. You'd have to stay alive long enough for me to do it.

Posted by: darkender Oct 31 2008, 08:18 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Crap, I always forget that part that the characters live in that place. I have a tendacy to make my own enviorment for my characters. Thanks for the help anything else you might find in it.

Posted by: treacherous Oct 31 2008, 08:21 PM
He doesn't have to live in Khazan, but if he doesn't specify where he lives. It doesn't make since for him to get arrested as a vigilante in Khazan, however in your neighborhood. Yes. Also, SWman is right. You are getting critique-lite over here. You want a serious once over go to EF forums.

Posted by: darkender Oct 31 2008, 09:16 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 08:21 PM)
He doesn't have to live in Khazan, but if he doesn't specify where he lives. It doesn't make since for him to get arrested as a vigilante in Khazan, however in your neighborhood. Yes. Also, SWman is right. You are getting critique-lite over here. You want a serious once over go to EF forums.

Yea I plan on takeing my characters over there soon.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Nov 1 2008, 05:08 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Alright, read it. Extremely long winded. However, Interesting and overall well written. Meh, towards the cliche' love brings them together even though they are far apart thing. Yet, I really love the "oops, killed her" thing at the end. That's messed up. I didn't see it coming. I agree with Poet's grade. If this were a CBUB set up, it would be an A+++. When are you submitting him. I almost want to do the villain to this guy. I want to create the guy who killed his girl. It wouldn't be anytime soon though. You'd have to stay alive long enough for me to do it.

Wow! Thanks man, I really apperciate it. However, I still want to do one last revision before I post it.

I would be honored if you created that character.

Posted by: granobulax Nov 1 2008, 02:42 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 05:08 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Alright, read it. Extremely long winded. However, Interesting and overall well written. Meh, towards the cliche' love brings them together even though they are far apart thing. Yet, I really love the "oops, killed her" thing at the end. That's messed up. I didn't see it coming. I agree with Poet's grade. If this were a CBUB set up, it would be an A+++. When are you submitting him. I almost want to do the villain to this guy. I want to create the guy who killed his girl. It wouldn't be anytime soon though. You'd have to stay alive long enough for me to do it.

Wow! Thanks man, I really apperciate it. However, I still want to do one last revision before I post it.

I would be honored if you created that character.

Could you post the revision here before you submit it?

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Nov 1 2008, 02:46 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Nov 1 2008, 02:42 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 05:08 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Alright, read it. Extremely long winded. However, Interesting and overall well written. Meh, towards the cliche' love brings them together even though they are far apart thing. Yet, I really love the "oops, killed her" thing at the end. That's messed up. I didn't see it coming. I agree with Poet's grade. If this were a CBUB set up, it would be an A+++. When are you submitting him. I almost want to do the villain to this guy. I want to create the guy who killed his girl. It wouldn't be anytime soon though. You'd have to stay alive long enough for me to do it.

Wow! Thanks man, I really apperciate it. However, I still want to do one last revision before I post it.

I would be honored if you created that character.

Could you post the revision here before you submit it?

Yeah, but dont expect it for a while. Recently I haven't been in the writing mood.

Posted by: granobulax Nov 1 2008, 02:47 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 02:46 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Nov 1 2008, 02:42 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 05:08 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 31 2008, 05:14 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Oct 30 2008, 05:01 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Oct 28 2008, 02:22 PM)
YEA!!!! I decided to join you guys in making charcters!!!!! Look at my first character in a while!!!! Tell me what you think!!!!!!

Name: Ken
Solo Villain

Origin: I try to do good, but dont we all. Being bad is a lot easy than you would think. Doing whatever you want and having close to no consequences. I do remember having some fun being a "Good Guy" though. I can even remember how I became to be a hero in the first place. It wasn't long ago.
When I first discovered my powers I had the same thought pattern of most of those heroes with powers. I thought to myself I could change the world to make it a better place, but little of the world I knew. I tried at first to just scan the rooftops and stop whatever crimes I saw from being committed. Littering, purse grabbing and all of that I would stop, but the cops didn't care. They just viewed me as a viligante that wanted to take their jobs. So they began to chase me and try to run me out of town. At first I looked at it as a sign of how good I was doing, because all of the other superheroes had problems with the police. So I didn't hurt them I just left them alone, and kept on doing what I thought was the right thing to do. They didn't share the same feelings and decided I was too radical for their city. Eventually they caught me and thats why I'm sitting in this cell now. Isn't it wonderful that they made it just for me. I've been here for over a month now and I'm sick of it, being locked up with common criminals. The good thing is it really shined the light on what the world is really like and I don't like it. Its time the world learned the the power of a true super being.

Personality: I tried to convince them it would best to let me out but they didn't listen. They decided to follow their own just as I will learn to do. I tried to be nice before, I even sat in this jail cell as they plotted against me, all of them. With all I did for this city they locked me, and for that this city doesn't deserve to stand. When I'm done with this city there will nothing left but my rule.
Powers:

Eldrich Blast Supreme:
Ken began to raise his eyes towards the sky as they began to shine with orange light. He started talking to himself, chanting and muttering his plans for the city. With that his eyes turned red, he turned his head towards the camera and raising one finger a blast of energy destroyed the camera, and with that sirens began to go off. He then turned he head towards the cieling just staring for some time untill the door began to open as officers tried to flood in. With a yell of rage ken let off a terriffying blast bringing the cieling down on top of the officers. He began to lift off the ground as he flew off into the sky.

Flight Supreme:  As he started to lift into the air his eyes began to turn back to the normal color of hazel. He began to look around as he realized he was in mid-flight an ability he had not known he had before. He stayed hovering above the cieling watching more officers run in panicing at just the fact of him being loose. He looked down at the jail house yard as the guards became to come and fire at him. With one bulet grazing his arm he realized he had to move. He began to move with incredible speed. Dodgeing and weaving through the woods area outside the prison. Unitll he made it to the outskirts of town and he suddenly stopped. He began to question himself as to why was he running. He was the one with the power they should be fleeing from him. He turned around and began to rise above the prison just hovering in mid-air.

Force Field Superior:
As he floated there he looked and watched them try to shoot at him. He realized a force field of some sort started to incase him in what looked like a bubble. He put his hand to force field as their bullets bounced off. His eyes again started to glow as he muttered to himself his next plan of action. He started to lower himself, to be closer to the ground. They all ceased firing thinking he was going to give himself up. When all of a sudden he began to raise his hand towards the guards in from of him and he began blasting energy beams from his eyes and finger tips killing all of the guards surrounding the prison. When done he went back to the sky, to make sure there was no surviving guards. Then he returned back to the prison unlocking all of the cells, and letting all of the prisoners go. As they began to flood out of the prison into the yards he yelled to them. He told them to flee to the city and cause havoc, for the city will soon be theirs. And with a cheer from the criminals they ran through the woods aiming for the city for they could cause havoc.

Martial arts Standard:  As he and the villains made their way towards the city, there was a line of heroes guarding it. As they began to approach them they called out to each other. Ken yelled at his loudest voice could go "Move aside heroes for this doesn't concern any of you." He then stood their waiting for a respone, but the heroes just stood their standing their ground. "Fine" he yelled again "You will fall with the rest of the city"  He signaled his army of vilains to charge as they began to fight the same heroes that imprisoned them in the prison they just was broken out of. Ken began himself began to fight as his eyes glowing a deep deep red. He charged at the heroes useing fighting skills he never realized he had.

Martial Supremacy Standard:  He fought with such anger as his eyes glowing with such a deep red shade. His fighting skills became even stronger. Flipping heroes over him that he himself didn't think could happen.  Soon there was no heroes of the city left to fight. As they began to cause havoc for the city. He stood at a distance in the sky as the feeble police force tried to fight back against the villains with little avail. He stared at what was starting to look like his city to own thinking to himself" I could get use to this."





Okay tell me what you think of it. I tried to not make it too long and if you have any Pics that you think would be good that would really help.

I didn't see this. I'm going to read it now and get back to you. Oh and SWman I'm reading yours now too.

Okay darkender, it needs much work. Flesh out the character more. Read over it thoroughly once more. You'll catch a few spelling and grammar errors. Where did the powers come from? Also, he was arrested for being a vigilante in Khazan!! I think he needs some greater reason for snapping. Something epic or tragic.

SWman, I still haven't read all of yours. I know. I suck. However, you've already got really good advice from the EF crowd.

Alright, read it. Extremely long winded. However, Interesting and overall well written. Meh, towards the cliche' love brings them together even though they are far apart thing. Yet, I really love the "oops, killed her" thing at the end. That's messed up. I didn't see it coming. I agree with Poet's grade. If this were a CBUB set up, it would be an A+++. When are you submitting him. I almost want to do the villain to this guy. I want to create the guy who killed his girl. It wouldn't be anytime soon though. You'd have to stay alive long enough for me to do it.

Wow! Thanks man, I really apperciate it. However, I still want to do one last revision before I post it.

I would be honored if you created that character.

Could you post the revision here before you submit it?

Yeah, but dont expect it for a while. Recently I haven't been in the writing mood.

Alright. Send me a PM when you get it up okay?

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Nov 1 2008, 02:48 PM
Cool.

Posted by: treacherous Nov 2 2008, 03:21 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 02:48 PM)
Cool.

Oh my God!! I must create a new character. I'm getting antsy.

Posted by: darkender Nov 2 2008, 03:35 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Nov 2 2008, 03:21 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 02:48 PM)
Cool.

Oh my God!! I must create a new character. I'm getting antsy.

Do it Do it!!!!

Posted by: treacherous Nov 5 2008, 05:20 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Nov 2 2008, 03:35 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Nov 2 2008, 03:21 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Nov 1 2008, 02:48 PM)
Cool.

Oh my God!! I must create a new character. I'm getting antsy.

Do it Do it!!!!

Give me your character request in the character analysis thread in EF, darkender.

Posted by: treacherous Nov 19 2008, 11:10 PM
Oooh. I think I just came up with a great idea for a character. Now, if I can just write it well enough to make it interesting. The idea is great though. To the writing desk...

Grano, you better join the FPL in December when you get done with school. I can't wait to see what you come up with. Don't be afraid of all of SWman and myselfs opinions on it. Just do it!! DO IT OR ELSE!! angry.gif Sorry, I got carried away.

Posted by: treacherous Nov 24 2008, 02:52 PM
Okay, here's my new character. I like em. Anybody got any suggestions or critique before he gets into the fights?

Bio
In a small suburban town somewhere in the west coast of the United States, a young man by the name of Steve Stewart perused the selection of his favorite video game store. Ten dollars for every A on his report card added up by the end of the year. Cash was always a great incentive for Steve. And what better way to spend cash than on video games. With one hundred and twenty dollars saved, Steve was planning a spending spree. However, this time around the selection was pretty weak. Having played and beaten every game he liked, Steve couldn't make a decision.
After about thirty minutes of quick investigation something caught his eye. Some would say it was fate, others would say... destiny. Steve would say it was, "kick ass!" No matter, Steve had stumbled on a game he had never seen before. The bright colorful package seemed to call to him. It was the only game of its kind on the shelf. Strange. Looking at the carton, Steve began to read the cover...

Personality
"Grand Theft Larceny (GTL): Khazan City. Welcome to Khazan City; the Nexus of the Multiverse. It is a world where anything can happen and will as you navigate its four sectors in search of glory. You control Samuel Hunt in a free roaming completely interactive gaming experience. Your goal: to rise from petty thief to the height of the criminal underworld. As Samuel Hunt, you will have to take down cop, robber, super hero and villain alike to achieve your goals. Either play mission mode or free reign mode to wreak utter havoc across the Khazanian terrain. Warning: Game may contain intense violence and may not be suitable for children."
"Cool!" Steve said aloud. The store clerk smiled a knowing smile in his direction.
Having seen all he needed to see, Steve quickly bought the game and a few accessories that seemed to be conveniently placed right next to the game. Speeding home on his bike, he managed to squeeze in time to call his best friend Jeremy to come over to his house to watch the game. Later that night, Steve explained the gameplay to Jeremy and the two started the game without delay. "Remember you're my wing-man Jeremy. You've got the Walkthrough we bought and all the instructions. Together we can own this Khazan." Steve said in anticipation. With a click of the power button, the game began.

Tactician - Two heads are better than one!
"Main intro...skip."
"Pick mode...Free reign...and start game."
"And here we go...action time J." Steve's eyes almost glow in eagerness.
"You always skip right to the game, man." Says Jeremy.
"...and I always win too. That's why you're here anyway. You're my wing-man. You got the instructions and you haven't failed me yet. Together we're going to beat this game senseless."
"Let's do it."

Detective - Walkthrough
As the game starts, Samuel Hunt stands at the exit of the Khazan prison facility. Steve begins to navigate Samuel down the street. He calls to his wing-man, Jeremy, "Okay J, get me into some trouble man. We don't put this on free reign for nothing. Show me some pointless violence." Although considered cheating by many, the walkthrough is Steve and Jeremy's bible. Jeremy opens up chapter one of the walkthrough that was bought with the game. Within it is a description of every nuance, every character and an answer to every puzzle in the game. Steve and Jeremy however would just like to use it to beat down a couple of prostitutes at the moment.
"Hit her, man! Hit her again!"
"Better have my money next time!"
"Crap, look out she has a knife...and here comes her pimp!"
"This Sam dude have any weapons or what...Hurry!"

Weapons Creation - Cheat code: Unlimited weapons
"All praises to the great, Jeremy!"
"What?"
"Tell me I'm great!"
"Man, what are you talking about? I'm trying to fight off pimps and prostitutes with my hands and you're flippin out on me."
"No way, I've got a cheat code. I just logged on to gamecheats.com. I've got the Unlimited Weapons cheat. It allows you to access any weapon in the game before each fight."
"Yes! Let's do it."
"Up, up, down, down, A, B, A, B!"
Steve hurriedly inputs the code and suddenly a box appears onscreen displaying the current weapon equipped on Samuel. It is a Beretta 92FS. Using the direction button to scroll through, a plethora of other weapons begin to come into view in the box. Steve runs through shotguns, submachine guns, knives, sniper rifles and finally lands on a grenade. "Eureka!" he shouts as he prompts Samuel to throw the grenade at the attackers and runs the character behind a building. "BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Now, that's how you finish a fight." He shouts. "It's almost unfair J." They both look at each other. "NAH!" and continue on playing. "Oh this rocks; he has automatic aiming too!" Steve says as he pulls out a shotgun.

Blending - Cheat Code: Costume Change
"Okay J, where to next?" Steve commands, having unleashed a bit of fury. "Let's find some more trouble." Jeremy opens up to the center of the gaming walkthrough and spots a map of all four sectors of Khazan. He instructs Steve to lead his character to various sectors in Khazan where he can fight boss battles and gain notoriety as a criminal powerhouse. Steve begins to run Samuel through the city when suddenly a siren is heard. The onscreen cop car heads toward Samuel. "Oh yeah, let's do this coppers!" Steve rages. Jeremy however stops him and insists that he input another code.
"Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, A."
"What's that, man? A code for a gun that shoots swords?"
"What? No, just do it. You'll see."
Steve inputs the code and suddenly his characters costume changes from a scraggly ex-con to a well dressed business man in shades. The police pass Samuel completely by. "Cool! What was that?" Steve questions. "Cheat code #2. Costume change. You have about 10 costume changes anytime you want them. Most of them are just palette swaps, but they'll do. Just scroll through that box onscreen like the weapons." Jeremy replies. "Wing-man...you rock." says Steve.

Closed Mind - Just a game
Meanwhile in the actual world of Khazan, a young reporter stands at the scene of a known spot for prostitution. The area is littered with blood and the street is blackened as if an explosion had gone off. She reports live to the Khazanian audience captivated in their homes...
"This is the chilling scene here in Uptown Khazan. Incidents such as this have been occurring all day across Khazan. Although police reports say the Modus operandi seems to be the same in every location, no one can seem to get a fix on who is causing the crimes. Police and eyewitnesses alike have been coming up with different physical descriptions on every occasion. Worse still, the police have brought in known mentalists from across town to investigate. None of the representatives have been able to pick up any traces of malicious thought patterns at any of the scenes. One unlucky mentalist actually ran into the perp during an attack and had this to say, "It's as if he isn't there at all. I'm trying to pry into his mind, but it's blank. Like a ghost...he just isn't there...mentally." These were his last words as he was later found dead at the scene. Whether one man or a gang of criminals this architect of destructions has stayed one step ahead of the cops all week. Going after heroes, villains and regular citizens alike, it has been whispered that a bounty has been put on this mysterious figures head by the criminal underworld.
This reporter questions the humanity of the perp. Is someone out there playing with us? Why? Why would someone do this? Are we animals? What could have happened to make this individual or individuals snap? Is mankind so far gone? What kind of humans could have the capacity for such violence? This and many questions will unfold as we follow this story for as long as it plays out. I'm Trisha Smallwood for KTV signing out."
Across space and time, in a small suburban town somewhere in the west coast of the United States, two young men continue playing quite possibly the coolest game ever created.
"This game is awesome!"
"Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Die Mr. Postman! Ooooh...a school

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 4 2008, 09:39 PM
Started writing a new character. cool.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 4 2008, 10:01 PM
Bio:

Blackened skies swarmed the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the blackened sky. The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks. Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds.
As I lay there I could here the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer. I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I was sure as hell not gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg.
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than liquid. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw my canister down, and grabbed the bullet from his hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle. They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stranglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the sound of the road cracking as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Pure animal instinct was my only reasoning. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stuck right in his side. I took a minute it to breath. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of an idea that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tales between their legs.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 4 2008, 10:17 PM
I like the idea of the FPL but the power list and rules are too limiting for me.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 4 2008, 10:26 PM
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 4 2008, 10:44 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 4 2008, 10:51 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

i give F.PL> a try when you write a book.

Posted by: darkender Dec 4 2008, 10:55 PM
Oh crap I forgot I was writing a character...I need to finish it...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 4 2008, 10:58 PM
I'm giving FPL a try! Yay!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 4 2008, 11:02 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 4 2008, 05:58 PM)
I'm giving FPL a try! Yay!!! laugh.gif

Good luck bud.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 4 2008, 11:04 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 11:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 4 2008, 05:58 PM)
I'm giving FPL a try! Yay!!! laugh.gif

Good luck bud.

I'm going to get annihilated laugh.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 4 2008, 11:05 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:51 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

i give F.PL> a try when you write a book.

Done.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 4 2008, 11:06 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 4 2008, 06:04 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 11:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 4 2008, 05:58 PM)
I'm giving FPL a try! Yay!!! laugh.gif

Good luck bud.

I'm going to get annihilated laugh.gif

Oh, ye of little faith. Besides if you get anhilated, I have zero chance of success.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 4 2008, 11:08 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 06:05 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:51 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

i give F.PL> a try when you write a book.

Done.

I'd like to see some of it as proof too.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 4 2008, 11:17 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 10:01 PM)
Bio:

Blackened skies swarmed the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the blackened sky. The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks. Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds.
As I lay there I could here the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer. I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I was sure as hell not gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg.
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than liquid. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw my canister down, and grabbed the bullet from his hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle. They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stranglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the sound of the road cracking as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Pure animal instinct was my only reasoning. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stuck right in his side. I took a minute it to breath. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of an idea that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tales between their legs.

That was well done. I could imagine every step in my head like it was a movie. One thing, I thought you used "I" a little too much. Each sentence had "I" used a couple of times there for a little while. Perhaps he could have even reminiced about home for a minute there to give him more of a human feeling. I like where this character is going and I can't wait to see how you finish this!

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 4 2008, 11:20 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 10:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

You're allowed to use more than one character, right?

Posted by: darkender Dec 4 2008, 11:25 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 10:01 PM)
Bio:

Blackened skies swarmed the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the blackened sky. The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks. Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds.
As I lay there I could here the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer. I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I was sure as hell not gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg.
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than liquid. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw my canister down, and grabbed the bullet from his hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle. They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stranglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the sound of the road cracking as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Pure animal instinct was my only reasoning. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stuck right in his side. I took a minute it to breath. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of an idea that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tales between their legs.

That...Was...Terribly...Awesome...

Good job Man...

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 5 2008, 12:58 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 4 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 10:01 PM)
Bio:

Blackened skies swarmed the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the blackened sky. The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks.  Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds.
As I lay there I could here the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
  I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer.  I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I was sure as hell not gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg. 
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than liquid. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw my canister down, and grabbed the bullet from his hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle. They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stranglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the sound of the road cracking as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Pure animal instinct was my only reasoning. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stuck right in his side.  I took a minute it to breath. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of an idea that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tales between their legs.

That...Was...Terribly...Awesome...

Good job Man...

Thanks man.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 5 2008, 01:26 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 4 2008, 11:20 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 10:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

You're allowed to use more than one character, right?

I'm pretty sure 3 active characters at a time is the limit.

Posted by: darkender Dec 5 2008, 02:25 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 5 2008, 01:26 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 4 2008, 11:20 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 10:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 4 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 4 2008, 05:26 PM)
The trick is to get creative with the powers you have. Good powers is usually what makes a great character.

Yeah but I'm the kid of guy you likes to let his imagination run wild with character devolopment, gaining strength a new powers over time, ever growing backstory and allies. You can't do that with just 250 points and a never-changing bio. The FPL just isn't for an aspiring author like me.

1. You can change the bio as many times as you like.

2. You can expand your character with other characters

3. I think you should consider giving it a try.

4. ...
5. (see number 4)

You're allowed to use more than one character, right?

I'm pretty sure 3 active characters at a time is the limit.

You can make more but they will only accept three at a time...

Posted by: treacherous Dec 5 2008, 02:51 PM
I have been throwing all types of characters into the FPL to get a feel of the place. I think I've finally figured out the routine. I am now throwing my compiled knowledge to you all. These are all my past characters and what I've learned from them. I already gave this to Grano, so the rest of you have to play catch up. From here on out, I plan on creating BEAST (WINNERS).

Characters I've created: Things I've learned from their defeats

Mr. Black: Don't think because you understand what you are saying they will understand what you are saying. Write for the audience not you.

Toyman of Nazahk: These guys want serious right now. Not kiddy stuff. Well written and imaginative doesn't matter if you are writing about kids stuff.

Abigail of the Sea: Don't go outside your comfort zone. Write true to your comfort zone, don't try to write like Shakespeare unless you are a Shakespearean writer.

Chef Rocko: This one did the best. These guys like continuity. If you tie your character into something else that's been done in the FPL, they like that.

zonbie: Be serious. Take your character seriously

Samuel Hunt: Currently losing every fight. Again, be serious. I don't think joke characters are in right now.

Again this is strictly my opinion and it is subject to scrutiny. It is based on my own experience and things I've heard the admins say or PM. But, each voter is an individual, so who knows.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 5 2008, 03:20 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 5 2008, 02:51 PM)
I have been throwing all types of characters into the FPL to get a feel of the place. I think I've finally figured out the routine. I am now throwing my compiled knowledge to you all. These are all my past characters and what I've learned from them. I already gave this to Grano, so the rest of you have to play catch up. From here on out, I plan on creating BEAST (WINNERS).

Characters I've created: Things I've learned from their defeats

Mr. Black: Don't think because you understand what you are saying they will understand what you are saying. Write for the audience not you.

Toyman of Nazahk: These guys want serious right now. Not kiddy stuff. Well written and imaginative doesn't matter if you are writing about kids stuff.

Abigail of the Sea: Don't go outside your comfort zone. Write true to your comfort zone, don't try to write like Shakespeare unless you are a Shakespearean writer.

Chef Rocko: This one did the best. These guys like continuity. If you tie your character into something else that's been done in the FPL, they like that.

zonbie: Be serious. Take your character seriously

Samuel Hunt: Currently losing every fight. Again, be serious. I don't think joke characters are in right now.

Again this is strictly my opinion and it is subject to scrutiny. It is based on my own experience and things I've heard the admins say or PM. But, each voter is an individual, so who knows.

That post is terribly familiar... Have I seen it anywhere? laugh.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 5 2008, 03:24 PM
Mr. Advice strikes again.

Posted by: darkender Dec 5 2008, 10:52 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 5 2008, 02:51 PM)
I have been throwing all types of characters into the FPL to get a feel of the place. I think I've finally figured out the routine. I am now throwing my compiled knowledge to you all. These are all my past characters and what I've learned from them. I already gave this to Grano, so the rest of you have to play catch up. From here on out, I plan on creating BEAST (WINNERS).

Characters I've created: Things I've learned from their defeats

Mr. Black: Don't think because you understand what you are saying they will understand what you are saying. Write for the audience not you.

Toyman of Nazahk: These guys want serious right now. Not kiddy stuff. Well written and imaginative doesn't matter if you are writing about kids stuff.

Abigail of the Sea: Don't go outside your comfort zone. Write true to your comfort zone, don't try to write like Shakespeare unless you are a Shakespearean writer.

Chef Rocko: This one did the best. These guys like continuity. If you tie your character into something else that's been done in the FPL, they like that.

zonbie: Be serious. Take your character seriously

Samuel Hunt: Currently losing every fight. Again, be serious. I don't think joke characters are in right now.

Again this is strictly my opinion and it is subject to scrutiny. It is based on my own experience and things I've heard the admins say or PM. But, each voter is an individual, so who knows.

Funny, my joke characters made it farther than my serious ones...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 5 2008, 10:53 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 5 2008, 10:52 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 5 2008, 02:51 PM)
I have been throwing all types of characters into the FPL to get a feel of the place.  I think I've finally figured out the routine.  I am now throwing my compiled knowledge to you all.  These are all my past characters and what I've learned from them.  I already gave this to Grano, so the rest of you have to play catch up.  From here on out, I plan on creating BEAST (WINNERS).

Characters I've created: Things I've learned from their defeats

Mr. Black: Don't think because you understand what you are saying they will understand what you are saying. Write for the audience not you.

Toyman of Nazahk: These guys want serious right now. Not kiddy stuff. Well written and imaginative doesn't matter if you are writing about kids stuff. 

Abigail of the Sea: Don't go outside your comfort zone. Write true to your comfort zone, don't try to write like Shakespeare unless you are a Shakespearean writer.

Chef Rocko: This one did the best. These guys like continuity. If you tie your character into something else that's been done in the FPL, they like that.

zonbie: Be serious. Take your character seriously

Samuel Hunt: Currently losing every fight. Again, be serious. I don't think joke characters are in right now.

Again this is strictly my opinion and it is subject to scrutiny.  It is based on my own experience and things I've heard the admins say or PM.  But, each voter is an individual, so who knows.

Funny, my joke characters made it farther than my serious ones...

There are exceptions to every rule... wink.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 6 2008, 07:57 AM
Yeah, it really depends on who's voting at the time. Then again, maybe Darkender is just funnier than me. rolleyes.gif dry.gif

But, I know for a fact that a couple of the admins are trying to take the FPL in a different direction and the silly one-liner joke characters are out.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 7 2008, 03:50 AM
Am I crazy or did I see a FPL character by our very own Canus Minoris?

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 03:52 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 03:50 AM)
Am I crazy or did I see a FPL character by our very own Canus Minoris?

Where?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 03:53 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 7 2008, 03:52 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 03:50 AM)
Am I crazy or did I see a FPL character by our very own Canus Minoris?

Where?

Yes, where?

Posted by: treacherous Dec 7 2008, 03:54 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 03:53 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 7 2008, 03:52 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 03:50 AM)
Am I crazy or did I see a FPL character by our very own Canus Minoris?

Where?

Yes, where?

My pet ninja. Go check it out.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 03:56 AM
BTW, Wolvie or treach, how long do you think it'll take for people to further review my FPL character on the EF? I'm wanting to get more done on the character, but I'm wanting somebody, anybody to tear it apart like I'm told they do on there. Am I just being too impatient?

Posted by: treacherous Dec 7 2008, 05:19 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 03:56 AM)
BTW, Wolvie or treach, how long do you think it'll take for people to further review my FPL character on the EF? I'm wanting to get more done on the character, but I'm wanting somebody, anybody to tear it apart like I'm told they do on there. Am I just being too impatient?

There is a BIG chance you won't get any more responses. The admins there keep their opinions few and fierce. You got good reviews. Give it a little longer, but don't wait forever. I promise, you got a lot of responses compared to usual.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 05:29 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 03:56 AM)
BTW, Wolvie or treach, how long do you think it'll take for people to further review my FPL character on the EF? I'm wanting to get more done on the character, but I'm wanting somebody, anybody to tear it apart like I'm told they do on there. Am I just being too impatient?

Well, it kind of depends on who you get to review your character. The admins give really really good advice without trying to take away the fact that you wrote the character. They prefer different things, but I think they all agree that you have to make the character they can't write it for you. Be paitent grano really analyze what they are saying. You have a good character going Grano, make it your own. Sure some help from the admins is nice but all and all your the one that has to decide how best to fix those errors. My advice to you is to walk away from the character for a day or two don't even think about it, then come back, and read it. You'll be suprised at how many things you can make better.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 7 2008, 05:32 AM
Good advice.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 05:36 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 05:32 AM)
Good advice.

Thanks.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 12:35 PM
Thanks guys. Perhaps I'm making too much of this, but I really want to make sure I have a fighting chance at this. I'll wait until after my last class is done on tuesday and then I'll start my final preperations to complete my character.

I know I keep saying this, but thanks so much you two. Both of you have inspired me to give this a shot in the first place.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 01:56 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 12:35 PM)
Thanks guys. Perhaps I'm making too much of this, but I really want to make sure I have a fighting chance at this. I'll wait until after my last class is done on tuesday and then I'll start my final preperations to complete my character.

I know I keep saying this, but thanks so much you two. Both of you have inspired me to give this a shot in the first place.

Your welcome.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 04:11 PM
Okay, I've made some revisions and have completed my first FPL character. Any feedback or criticism is much appreciated. I especially would like to know if I did a good job on the powers section because I went into creating the powers completely clueless. Thanks everybody!

Character Background:

Darkness… complete and total Cimmerian shade surrounded him. It was as if eternity itself had washed over him in a shower of everlasting nothingness. “Hell,” he thought to himself. “…this must be hell.” As if floating in an empty sea of blackness, he sat alone on a throne of stagnation. Only his immortal body was there to keep him company through the ages.

Fenil Greensage had lost track of time itself. Years had no further meaning to him. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years could have passed for all he knew or cared. Madness… the sheer insanity of being blinded by the dark drove him crazy. The only sliver of his former Elvin life that he had kept recessed deep in his mind was his last moments on earth. He remembered the twisted, evil spell that had been cast upon him, banishing his soul from both life and death. What remained of what could even be considered a thought process had deepened into obsession. The obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light.

He reached the crack in the dark and peered out. The light was the both the most beautiful and yet terrifying thing he had seen in his life. Patiently, Fenil waited for his deprived eyes to adjust to the light. After all, the art of patience was a skill that he had definitely improved upon. Almost hesitantly, Fenil peeked out of the hole. What he saw was ineffable to his mind. “How long have I been gone…” He thought to himself.

Full of self-doubt, yet full of determination, Fenil Greensage tore at the break in his prison. After several hours of labored clawing, the spell had been completely diminished and shattered in an explosion of light. In a haze of bewilderment, Fenil composed himself and assessed his surroundings.

The world around him had clearly passed him by. Any remnants of the world he once knew had been replaced by tall buildings and fast moving vessels. As Fenil stood there pondering the complexities of his situation, a growing realization of his estrangement crept slowly into his soul. Something inside Fenil had now completely snapped. Somehow, someway, Fenil Greensage would find the one who imprisoned him for countless years. He knew his captor was out there, still alive all of this time. He didn’t care how, even if it meant killing everyone that crossed his path, he would find the one that did this to him and when he did…

Character Personality:

From the day he was born, Fenil Greensage was different. A freak he was called by many. The energy of the Elvin village was mysteriously being drained by this… mutant child. The elders gathered and cast their most powerful spell upon the infant to suppress the devastating power in hopes of curing the innocent infant. One of the elders did not believe this was the right course of action. Rather, he believed the baby must be sacrificed to save the village from impending doom.

As Fenil was raised, he remained a loyal member of the village. The older he grew, however, the less the suppressant spells power worked. Intermediate magic draining in his teen years had left the young Elf an outcast in his own village. This tore at the very core of his being. Gradually, Fenils mind grew into a tangled and gnarled mess as the confusion of his loyalty to the village conflicted with the estrangement the village’s inhabitants made him feel.

What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him. Speaking the sacred words of the ancients, the elder cast the most devious of spells upon him. The world was now growing dark… and the madness would soon set in.

Iron Will: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

His will is strong as steel, his resolve even stronger. In this huge new world, the thought of finding one immortal elf amongst the masses would seem daunting to most, Fenil took pleasure in knowing he has an eternity to accomplish this feat. “The elder was right about one thing…” Fenil thought, “They should have killed me to save their own lives.”

Berserker: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

Rage, the eternal anger that now burned a gaping void deep within his heart. An unjust course of action that has lead to the breaking of an Elves spirit has created a new monster. Now, Fenil uses his hatred with ferocious intent. Anyone who stands in his way of accomplishing his goal shall be dealt with extreme prejudice…

Cold: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

One attribute of his Elvin heritage is that each individual elves magic reflects upon his or her state of heart. After what felt like an eternity within the confines of his magic prison, Fenil Greensage’s heart had grown as cold as ice. His only warmth was his burning desire for revenge; a dish best served cold…

Energy Absorbtion: Total Power Cost; 75 pts. Supreme Rank.

“What’s this?” Fenil said out loud. “I can feel, power… no wonder the elders wanted to keep this from me!”

Fenil was free. The initial bewilderment of the new world around him had now made way for a new feeling. With the spell that had bounded him now broken, so was the spell that suppressed his innate ability to absorb all manors of energy that surround him.

“This will help tremendously.” Fenil said with an evil smirk upon his face.

Spellcraft: Total Power Cost; 70 pts. Superior Rank. Area Effect +10 power points

Not only did Fenil gain his greatest gift and curse of power draining, but he is also a skilled magician as well. Ever the consummate student, Fenil learned much of the ways of his Elvin magic’s while he was living in his village.


Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 05:46 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 04:11 PM)
Okay, I've made some revisions and have completed my first FPL character. Any feedback or criticism is much appreciated. I especially would like to know if I did a good job on the powers section because I went into creating the powers completely clueless. Thanks everybody!

Character Background:

Darkness… complete and total Cimmerian shade surrounded him. It was as if eternity itself had washed over him in a shower of everlasting nothingness. “Hell,” he thought to himself. “…this must be hell.” As if floating in an empty sea of blackness, he sat alone on a throne of stagnation. Only his immortal body was there to keep him company through the ages.

Fenil Greensage had lost track of time itself. Years had no further meaning to him. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years could have passed for all he knew or cared. Madness… the sheer insanity of being blinded by the dark drove him crazy. The only sliver of his former Elvin life that he had kept recessed deep in his mind was his last moments on earth. He remembered the twisted, evil spell that had been cast upon him, banishing his soul from both life and death. What remained of what could even be considered a thought process had deepened into obsession. The obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light.

He reached the crack in the dark and peered out. The light was the both the most beautiful and yet terrifying thing he had seen in his life. Patiently, Fenil waited for his deprived eyes to adjust to the light. After all, the art of patience was a skill that he had definitely improved upon. Almost hesitantly, Fenil peeked out of the hole. What he saw was ineffable to his mind. “How long have I been gone…” He thought to himself.

Full of self-doubt, yet full of determination, Fenil Greensage tore at the break in his prison. After several hours of labored clawing, the spell had been completely diminished and shattered in an explosion of light. In a haze of bewilderment, Fenil composed himself and assessed his surroundings.

The world around him had clearly passed him by. Any remnants of the world he once knew had been replaced by tall buildings and fast moving vessels. As Fenil stood there pondering the complexities of his situation, a growing realization of his estrangement crept slowly into his soul. Something inside Fenil had now completely snapped. Somehow, someway, Fenil Greensage would find the one who imprisoned him for countless years. He knew his captor was out there, still alive all of this time. He didn’t care how, even if it meant killing everyone that crossed his path, he would find the one that did this to him and when he did…

Character Personality:

From the day he was born, Fenil Greensage was different. A freak he was called by many. The energy of the Elvin village was mysteriously being drained by this… mutant child. The elders gathered and cast their most powerful spell upon the infant to suppress the devastating power in hopes of curing the innocent infant. One of the elders did not believe this was the right course of action. Rather, he believed the baby must be sacrificed to save the village from impending doom.

As Fenil was raised, he remained a loyal member of the village. The older he grew, however, the less the suppressant spells power worked. Intermediate magic draining in his teen years had left the young Elf an outcast in his own village. This tore at the very core of his being. Gradually, Fenils mind grew into a tangled and gnarled mess as the confusion of his loyalty to the village conflicted with the estrangement the village’s inhabitants made him feel.

What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him. Speaking the sacred words of the ancients, the elder cast the most devious of spells upon him. The world was now growing dark… and the madness would soon set in.

Iron Will: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

His will is strong as steel, his resolve even stronger. In this huge new world, the thought of finding one immortal elf amongst the masses would seem daunting to most, Fenil took pleasure in knowing he has an eternity to accomplish this feat. “The elder was right about one thing…” Fenil thought, “They should have killed me to save their own lives.”

Berserker: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

Rage, the eternal anger that now burned a gaping void deep within his heart. An unjust course of action that has lead to the breaking of an Elves spirit has created a new monster. Now, Fenil uses his hatred with ferocious intent. Anyone who stands in his way of accomplishing his goal shall be dealt with extreme prejudice…

Cold: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

One attribute of his Elvin heritage is that each individual elves magic reflects upon his or her state of heart. After what felt like an eternity within the confines of his magic prison, Fenil Greensage’s heart had grown as cold as ice. His only warmth was his burning desire for revenge; a dish best served cold…

Energy Absorbtion: Total Power Cost; 75 pts. Supreme Rank.

“What’s this?” Fenil said out loud. “I can feel, power… no wonder the elders wanted to keep this from me!”

Fenil was free. The initial bewilderment of the new world around him had now made way for a new feeling. With the spell that had bounded him now broken, so was the spell that suppressed his innate ability to absorb all manors of energy that surround him.

“This will help tremendously.” Fenil said with an evil smirk upon his face.

Spellcraft: Total Power Cost; 70 pts. Superior Rank. Area Effect +10 power points

Not only did Fenil gain his greatest gift and curse of power draining, but he is also a skilled magician as well. Ever the consummate student, Fenil learned much of the ways of his Elvin magic’s while he was living in his village.

Like I said before, this is an extremely well done first character. You have shown your writing skills to exceptional. I especially liked how you can almost share his feeling of isolation and dread.

Couple of things that I want to point out though..

1. "the obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness."

- You used the phrase "personal hell" in consecutive sentences. I would replace it with another phrase that says the same thing, but says it in a different way.

2. "He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light."

-I'm not exactly sure what it is, but this sounds kind of akward to me.

3. "What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him."

-This is kind of well...disappointing. This is supposed to be the big climax of your character, the moment in his life where it defines who he is. I want more Grano tell me more about the most important event in this elf's life.

4. Power descriptions

-Not bad. I think you need more though. It's kind of a let down to read such a good bio, and then have a few scattered sentences for the powers. You seem to give trying to show the character what your writing about, and instead resort to telling them.

Also, you need to include power names for each power







Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 06:09 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 7 2008, 05:46 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 04:11 PM)
Okay, I've made some revisions and have completed my first FPL character. Any feedback or criticism is much appreciated. I especially would like to know if I did a good job on the powers section because I went into creating the powers completely clueless. Thanks everybody!

Character Background:

Darkness… complete and total Cimmerian shade surrounded him. It was as if eternity itself had washed over him in a shower of everlasting nothingness. “Hell,” he thought to himself. “…this must be hell.” As if floating in an empty sea of blackness, he sat alone on a throne of stagnation. Only his immortal body was there to keep him company through the ages.

Fenil Greensage had lost track of time itself. Years had no further meaning to him. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years could have passed for all he knew or cared. Madness… the sheer insanity of being blinded by the dark drove him crazy. The only sliver of his former Elvin life that he had kept recessed deep in his mind was his last moments on earth. He remembered the twisted, evil spell that had been cast upon him, banishing his soul from both life and death. What remained of what could even be considered a thought process had deepened into obsession. The obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light.

He reached the crack in the dark and peered out. The light was the both the most beautiful and yet terrifying thing he had seen in his life. Patiently, Fenil waited for his deprived eyes to adjust to the light. After all, the art of patience was a skill that he had definitely improved upon. Almost hesitantly, Fenil peeked out of the hole. What he saw was ineffable to his mind. “How long have I been gone…” He thought to himself.

Full of self-doubt, yet full of determination, Fenil Greensage tore at the break in his prison. After several hours of labored clawing, the spell had been completely diminished and shattered in an explosion of light. In a haze of bewilderment, Fenil composed himself and assessed his surroundings.

The world around him had clearly passed him by. Any remnants of the world he once knew had been replaced by tall buildings and fast moving vessels. As Fenil stood there pondering the complexities of his situation, a growing realization of his estrangement crept slowly into his soul. Something inside Fenil had now completely snapped. Somehow, someway, Fenil Greensage would find the one who imprisoned him for countless years. He knew his captor was out there, still alive all of this time. He didn’t care how, even if it meant killing everyone that crossed his path, he would find the one that did this to him and when he did…

Character Personality:

From the day he was born, Fenil Greensage was different. A freak he was called by many. The energy of the Elvin village was mysteriously being drained by this… mutant child. The elders gathered and cast their most powerful spell upon the infant to suppress the devastating power in hopes of curing the innocent infant. One of the elders did not believe this was the right course of action. Rather, he believed the baby must be sacrificed to save the village from impending doom.

As Fenil was raised, he remained a loyal member of the village. The older he grew, however, the less the suppressant spells power worked. Intermediate magic draining in his teen years had left the young Elf an outcast in his own village. This tore at the very core of his being. Gradually, Fenils mind grew into a tangled and gnarled mess as the confusion of his loyalty to the village conflicted with the estrangement the village’s inhabitants made him feel.

What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him. Speaking the sacred words of the ancients, the elder cast the most devious of spells upon him. The world was now growing dark… and the madness would soon set in.

Iron Will: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

His will is strong as steel, his resolve even stronger. In this huge new world, the thought of finding one immortal elf amongst the masses would seem daunting to most, Fenil took pleasure in knowing he has an eternity to accomplish this feat. “The elder was right about one thing…” Fenil thought, “They should have killed me to save their own lives.”

Berserker: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

Rage, the eternal anger that now burned a gaping void deep within his heart. An unjust course of action that has lead to the breaking of an Elves spirit has created a new monster. Now, Fenil uses his hatred with ferocious intent. Anyone who stands in his way of accomplishing his goal shall be dealt with extreme prejudice…

Cold: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

One attribute of his Elvin heritage is that each individual elves magic reflects upon his or her state of heart. After what felt like an eternity within the confines of his magic prison, Fenil Greensage’s heart had grown as cold as ice. His only warmth was his burning desire for revenge; a dish best served cold…

Energy Absorbtion: Total Power Cost; 75 pts. Supreme Rank.

“What’s this?” Fenil said out loud. “I can feel, power… no wonder the elders wanted to keep this from me!”

Fenil was free. The initial bewilderment of the new world around him had now made way for a new feeling. With the spell that had bounded him now broken, so was the spell that suppressed his innate ability to absorb all manors of energy that surround him.

“This will help tremendously.” Fenil said with an evil smirk upon his face.

Spellcraft: Total Power Cost; 70 pts. Superior Rank. Area Effect +10 power points

Not only did Fenil gain his greatest gift and curse of power draining, but he is also a skilled magician as well. Ever the consummate student, Fenil learned much of the ways of his Elvin magic’s while he was living in his village.

Like I said before, this is an extremely well done first character. You have shown your writing skills to exceptional. I especially liked how you can almost share his feeling of isolation and dread.

Couple of things that I want to point out though..

1. "the obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness."

- You used the phrase "personal hell" in consecutive sentences. I would replace it with another phrase that says the same thing, but says it in a different way.

2. "He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light."

-I'm not exactly sure what it is, but this sounds kind of akward to me.

3. "What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him."

-This is kind of well...disappointing. This is supposed to be the big climax of your character, the moment in his life where it defines who he is. I want more Grano tell me more about the most important event in this elf's life.

4. Power descriptions

-Not bad. I think you need more though. It's kind of a let down to read such a good bio, and then have a few scattered sentences for the powers. You seem to give trying to show the character what your writing about, and instead resort to telling them.

Also, you need to include power names for each power

Thank you for pointing those out to me. I will upgrade the character accordingly biggrin.gif

Oh, and the powers need to have their own names? Example please.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 06:15 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 06:09 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 7 2008, 05:46 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 04:11 PM)
Okay, I've made some revisions and have completed my first FPL character. Any feedback or criticism is much appreciated. I especially would like to know if I did a good job on the powers section because I went into creating the powers completely clueless. Thanks everybody!

Character Background:

Darkness… complete and total Cimmerian shade surrounded him. It was as if eternity itself had washed over him in a shower of everlasting nothingness. “Hell,” he thought to himself. “…this must be hell.” As if floating in an empty sea of blackness, he sat alone on a throne of stagnation. Only his immortal body was there to keep him company through the ages.

Fenil Greensage had lost track of time itself. Years had no further meaning to him. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years could have passed for all he knew or cared. Madness… the sheer insanity of being blinded by the dark drove him crazy. The only sliver of his former Elvin life that he had kept recessed deep in his mind was his last moments on earth. He remembered the twisted, evil spell that had been cast upon him, banishing his soul from both life and death. What remained of what could even be considered a thought process had deepened into obsession. The obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light.

He reached the crack in the dark and peered out. The light was the both the most beautiful and yet terrifying thing he had seen in his life. Patiently, Fenil waited for his deprived eyes to adjust to the light. After all, the art of patience was a skill that he had definitely improved upon. Almost hesitantly, Fenil peeked out of the hole. What he saw was ineffable to his mind. “How long have I been gone…” He thought to himself.

Full of self-doubt, yet full of determination, Fenil Greensage tore at the break in his prison. After several hours of labored clawing, the spell had been completely diminished and shattered in an explosion of light. In a haze of bewilderment, Fenil composed himself and assessed his surroundings.

The world around him had clearly passed him by. Any remnants of the world he once knew had been replaced by tall buildings and fast moving vessels. As Fenil stood there pondering the complexities of his situation, a growing realization of his estrangement crept slowly into his soul. Something inside Fenil had now completely snapped. Somehow, someway, Fenil Greensage would find the one who imprisoned him for countless years. He knew his captor was out there, still alive all of this time. He didn’t care how, even if it meant killing everyone that crossed his path, he would find the one that did this to him and when he did…

Character Personality:

From the day he was born, Fenil Greensage was different. A freak he was called by many. The energy of the Elvin village was mysteriously being drained by this… mutant child. The elders gathered and cast their most powerful spell upon the infant to suppress the devastating power in hopes of curing the innocent infant. One of the elders did not believe this was the right course of action. Rather, he believed the baby must be sacrificed to save the village from impending doom.

As Fenil was raised, he remained a loyal member of the village. The older he grew, however, the less the suppressant spells power worked. Intermediate magic draining in his teen years had left the young Elf an outcast in his own village. This tore at the very core of his being. Gradually, Fenils mind grew into a tangled and gnarled mess as the confusion of his loyalty to the village conflicted with the estrangement the village’s inhabitants made him feel.

What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him. Speaking the sacred words of the ancients, the elder cast the most devious of spells upon him. The world was now growing dark… and the madness would soon set in.

Iron Will: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

His will is strong as steel, his resolve even stronger. In this huge new world, the thought of finding one immortal elf amongst the masses would seem daunting to most, Fenil took pleasure in knowing he has an eternity to accomplish this feat. “The elder was right about one thing…” Fenil thought, “They should have killed me to save their own lives.”

Berserker: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

Rage, the eternal anger that now burned a gaping void deep within his heart. An unjust course of action that has lead to the breaking of an Elves spirit has created a new monster. Now, Fenil uses his hatred with ferocious intent. Anyone who stands in his way of accomplishing his goal shall be dealt with extreme prejudice…

Cold: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

One attribute of his Elvin heritage is that each individual elves magic reflects upon his or her state of heart. After what felt like an eternity within the confines of his magic prison, Fenil Greensage’s heart had grown as cold as ice. His only warmth was his burning desire for revenge; a dish best served cold…

Energy Absorbtion: Total Power Cost; 75 pts. Supreme Rank.

“What’s this?” Fenil said out loud. “I can feel, power… no wonder the elders wanted to keep this from me!”

Fenil was free. The initial bewilderment of the new world around him had now made way for a new feeling. With the spell that had bounded him now broken, so was the spell that suppressed his innate ability to absorb all manors of energy that surround him.

“This will help tremendously.” Fenil said with an evil smirk upon his face.

Spellcraft: Total Power Cost; 70 pts. Superior Rank. Area Effect +10 power points

Not only did Fenil gain his greatest gift and curse of power draining, but he is also a skilled magician as well. Ever the consummate student, Fenil learned much of the ways of his Elvin magic’s while he was living in his village.

Like I said before, this is an extremely well done first character. You have shown your writing skills to exceptional. I especially liked how you can almost share his feeling of isolation and dread.

Couple of things that I want to point out though..

1. "the obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness."

- You used the phrase "personal hell" in consecutive sentences. I would replace it with another phrase that says the same thing, but says it in a different way.

2. "He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light."

-I'm not exactly sure what it is, but this sounds kind of akward to me.

3. "What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him."

-This is kind of well...disappointing. This is supposed to be the big climax of your character, the moment in his life where it defines who he is. I want more Grano tell me more about the most important event in this elf's life.

4. Power descriptions

-Not bad. I think you need more though. It's kind of a let down to read such a good bio, and then have a few scattered sentences for the powers. You seem to give trying to show the character what your writing about, and instead resort to telling them.

Also, you need to include power names for each power

Thank you for pointing those out to me. I will upgrade the character accordingly biggrin.gif

Oh, and the powers need to have their own names? Example please.

Your welcome.

Example of powers...

This is from my character Mashasaki...

There is a power called "Martial Arts." However I changed the name to better suit my character to... "Violent Expression"

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 06:43 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 7 2008, 06:15 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 06:09 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 7 2008, 05:46 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 7 2008, 04:11 PM)
Okay, I've made some revisions and have completed my first FPL character. Any feedback or criticism is much appreciated. I especially would like to know if I did a good job on the powers section because I went into creating the powers completely clueless. Thanks everybody!

Character Background:

Darkness… complete and total Cimmerian shade surrounded him. It was as if eternity itself had washed over him in a shower of everlasting nothingness. “Hell,” he thought to himself. “…this must be hell.” As if floating in an empty sea of blackness, he sat alone on a throne of stagnation. Only his immortal body was there to keep him company through the ages.

Fenil Greensage had lost track of time itself. Years had no further meaning to him. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of years could have passed for all he knew or cared. Madness… the sheer insanity of being blinded by the dark drove him crazy. The only sliver of his former Elvin life that he had kept recessed deep in his mind was his last moments on earth. He remembered the twisted, evil spell that had been cast upon him, banishing his soul from both life and death. What remained of what could even be considered a thought process had deepened into obsession. The obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light.

He reached the crack in the dark and peered out. The light was the both the most beautiful and yet terrifying thing he had seen in his life. Patiently, Fenil waited for his deprived eyes to adjust to the light. After all, the art of patience was a skill that he had definitely improved upon. Almost hesitantly, Fenil peeked out of the hole. What he saw was ineffable to his mind. “How long have I been gone…” He thought to himself.

Full of self-doubt, yet full of determination, Fenil Greensage tore at the break in his prison. After several hours of labored clawing, the spell had been completely diminished and shattered in an explosion of light. In a haze of bewilderment, Fenil composed himself and assessed his surroundings.

The world around him had clearly passed him by. Any remnants of the world he once knew had been replaced by tall buildings and fast moving vessels. As Fenil stood there pondering the complexities of his situation, a growing realization of his estrangement crept slowly into his soul. Something inside Fenil had now completely snapped. Somehow, someway, Fenil Greensage would find the one who imprisoned him for countless years. He knew his captor was out there, still alive all of this time. He didn’t care how, even if it meant killing everyone that crossed his path, he would find the one that did this to him and when he did…

Character Personality:

From the day he was born, Fenil Greensage was different. A freak he was called by many. The energy of the Elvin village was mysteriously being drained by this… mutant child. The elders gathered and cast their most powerful spell upon the infant to suppress the devastating power in hopes of curing the innocent infant. One of the elders did not believe this was the right course of action. Rather, he believed the baby must be sacrificed to save the village from impending doom.

As Fenil was raised, he remained a loyal member of the village. The older he grew, however, the less the suppressant spells power worked. Intermediate magic draining in his teen years had left the young Elf an outcast in his own village. This tore at the very core of his being. Gradually, Fenils mind grew into a tangled and gnarled mess as the confusion of his loyalty to the village conflicted with the estrangement the village’s inhabitants made him feel.

What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him. Speaking the sacred words of the ancients, the elder cast the most devious of spells upon him. The world was now growing dark… and the madness would soon set in.

Iron Will: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

His will is strong as steel, his resolve even stronger. In this huge new world, the thought of finding one immortal elf amongst the masses would seem daunting to most, Fenil took pleasure in knowing he has an eternity to accomplish this feat. “The elder was right about one thing…” Fenil thought, “They should have killed me to save their own lives.”

Berserker: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

Rage, the eternal anger that now burned a gaping void deep within his heart. An unjust course of action that has lead to the breaking of an Elves spirit has created a new monster. Now, Fenil uses his hatred with ferocious intent. Anyone who stands in his way of accomplishing his goal shall be dealt with extreme prejudice…

Cold: Total Power Cost; 25 pts. Standard Rank.

One attribute of his Elvin heritage is that each individual elves magic reflects upon his or her state of heart. After what felt like an eternity within the confines of his magic prison, Fenil Greensage’s heart had grown as cold as ice. His only warmth was his burning desire for revenge; a dish best served cold…

Energy Absorbtion: Total Power Cost; 75 pts. Supreme Rank.

“What’s this?” Fenil said out loud. “I can feel, power… no wonder the elders wanted to keep this from me!”

Fenil was free. The initial bewilderment of the new world around him had now made way for a new feeling. With the spell that had bounded him now broken, so was the spell that suppressed his innate ability to absorb all manors of energy that surround him.

“This will help tremendously.” Fenil said with an evil smirk upon his face.

Spellcraft: Total Power Cost; 70 pts. Superior Rank. Area Effect +10 power points

Not only did Fenil gain his greatest gift and curse of power draining, but he is also a skilled magician as well. Ever the consummate student, Fenil learned much of the ways of his Elvin magic’s while he was living in his village.

Like I said before, this is an extremely well done first character. You have shown your writing skills to exceptional. I especially liked how you can almost share his feeling of isolation and dread.

Couple of things that I want to point out though..

1. "the obsession was to leave his personal prison… his personal hell.

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness."

- You used the phrase "personal hell" in consecutive sentences. I would replace it with another phrase that says the same thing, but says it in a different way.

2. "He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light."

-I'm not exactly sure what it is, but this sounds kind of akward to me.

3. "What happened next served as the turning point of Fenil Greensage’s life. The elder that wanted to sacrifice him all those years ago suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of him."

-This is kind of well...disappointing. This is supposed to be the big climax of your character, the moment in his life where it defines who he is. I want more Grano tell me more about the most important event in this elf's life.

4. Power descriptions

-Not bad. I think you need more though. It's kind of a let down to read such a good bio, and then have a few scattered sentences for the powers. You seem to give trying to show the character what your writing about, and instead resort to telling them.

Also, you need to include power names for each power

Thank you for pointing those out to me. I will upgrade the character accordingly biggrin.gif

Oh, and the powers need to have their own names? Example please.

Your welcome.

Example of powers...

This is from my character Mashasaki...

There is a power called "Martial Arts." However I changed the name to better suit my character to... "Violent Expression"

Oh, okay. I get it. Thanks. I'll come up with some names then.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 7 2008, 08:06 PM
Oh boy. You lost me at the powers, Grano. Think of the powers as a continuation of the story. Write this entire thing like a story, rather than a super hero trading card. Each power should exhibit a way the character used it, while progressing the storyline along. There is sooo much more to tell here. I want to know it.

Oh and this paragraph here...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light."

You used light sooo many times. I believe someone stated this before.

Check this out...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, luminosity having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the immense glare. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness towards that radiant glow."

With all this advice you're getting Grano, you might create a masterpiece.

SWman, I'm working on the ninja!!!

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 08:12 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 08:06 PM)
Oh boy. You lost me at the powers, Grano. Think of the powers as a continuation of the story. Write this entire thing like a story, rather than a super hero trading card. Each power should exhibit a way the character used it, while progressing the storyline along. There is sooo much more to tell here. I want to know it.

Oh and this paragraph here...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light."

You used light sooo many times. I believe someone stated this before.

Check this out...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, luminosity having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the immense glare. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness towards that radiant glow."

With all this advice you're getting Grano, you might create a masterpiece.

SWman, I'm working on the ninja!!!

Thanks treacherous! And I hope it will be a masterpiece. I've utilized every bit of advise so far and I will implament your advice next. I think I'll post it within the next few days after some more work on it.

You guys are freakin awsome!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 08:22 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 08:06 PM)
Oh boy. You lost me at the powers, Grano. Think of the powers as a continuation of the story. Write this entire thing like a story, rather than a super hero trading card. Each power should exhibit a way the character used it, while progressing the storyline along. There is sooo much more to tell here. I want to know it.

Oh and this paragraph here...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light."

You used light sooo many times. I believe someone stated this before.

Check this out...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, luminosity having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the immense glare. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness towards that radiant glow."

With all this advice you're getting Grano, you might create a masterpiece.

SWman, I'm working on the ninja!!!

How does this work?

As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a brilliant flash of effulgence, a crack in Fenil’s magical dungeon had appeared out of the darkness. Because the faintest of light had not graced his deprived eyes in such a long time, he was blinded by its luminescence. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the beacon of hope.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 7 2008, 08:25 PM
Wonderful. I had to look effulgence up. I had no idea what that was.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 7 2008, 08:26 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 08:25 PM)
Wonderful. I had to look effulgence up. I had no idea what that was.

Ha! laugh.gif That's funny. I'll let you know when I post on FPL

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 7 2008, 10:09 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 7 2008, 08:06 PM)
Oh boy.  You lost me at the powers, Grano.  Think of the powers as a continuation of the story.  Write this entire thing like a story, rather than a super hero trading card.  Each power should exhibit a way the character used it, while progressing the storyline along.  There is sooo much more to tell here.  I want to know it. 

Oh and this paragraph here...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, light having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the light. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness toward the light."

You used light sooo many times. I believe someone stated this before.

Check this out...

QUOTE
"As Fenil’s madness grew, the strength of the calamitous spell had now debilitated to the point of breaking. With a tremendous flash of light, a crack in Fenil’s personal prison had appeared out of the darkness. He was blinded, luminosity having not touched his corneas in such a long time. He could not see for the immense glare. Cautiously, Greensage stepped forward, trudging through the swamp of darkness towards that radiant glow."

With all this advice you're getting Grano, you might create a masterpiece.

SWman, I'm working on the ninja!!!

Yay! I can't wait for it to be done.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Dec 7 2008, 11:16 PM
I like my pet ninja the best. biggrin.gif

Posted by: darkender Dec 7 2008, 11:57 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 7 2008, 11:16 PM)
I like my pet ninja the best. biggrin.gif

Too bad nobody else does...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 8 2008, 01:30 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 7 2008, 11:57 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 7 2008, 11:16 PM)
I like my pet ninja the best.  biggrin.gif

Too bad nobody else does...

Is somebody in a bad mood today?

Posted by: darkender Dec 8 2008, 02:16 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 8 2008, 01:30 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 7 2008, 11:57 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 7 2008, 11:16 PM)
I like my pet ninja the best.  biggrin.gif

Too bad nobody else does...

Is somebody in a bad mood today?

tongue.gif laugh.gif Shut up angry.gif dry.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 8 2008, 02:19 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 8 2008, 02:16 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 8 2008, 01:30 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 7 2008, 11:57 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 7 2008, 11:16 PM)
I like my pet ninja the best.  biggrin.gif

Too bad nobody else does...

Is somebody in a bad mood today?

tongue.gif laugh.gif Shut up angry.gif dry.gif tongue.gif

That's more like it laugh.gif

Posted by: darkender Dec 8 2008, 02:20 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 8 2008, 02:19 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 8 2008, 02:16 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 8 2008, 01:30 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 7 2008, 11:57 PM)
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 7 2008, 11:16 PM)
I like my pet ninja the best.  biggrin.gif

Too bad nobody else does...

Is somebody in a bad mood today?

tongue.gif laugh.gif Shut up angry.gif dry.gif tongue.gif

That's more like it laugh.gif

dry.gif

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Dec 8 2008, 09:08 PM
One day Grano.... One day!

I swear I will be better than you.

After reading this I realize I have ALLOT of work to do. happy.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 8 2008, 09:47 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 8 2008, 09:08 PM)
One day Grano.... One day!

I swear I will be better than you.

After reading this I realize I have ALLOT of work to do. happy.gif

You're also 14 years old. At this point, when I was 14, you would absolutely obliterate my writing skills at the time.

You are further ahead of the game than you think. Like I said, you're 14 years old, and you're already better than 95% of CBUB.

Keep it up and you'll be better than all of the FPL and CBUB writers by the time you're 18 wink.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 8 2008, 10:15 PM
Bloody has a ton of potential. It's going to be interesting how he develops as a writer.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 8 2008, 10:31 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 8 2008, 10:15 PM)
Bloody has a ton of potential. It's going to be interesting how he develops as a writer.

Hopefuly, I'll be around here to watch it happen.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 8 2008, 10:46 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 8 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 8 2008, 10:15 PM)
Bloody has a ton of potential. It's going to be interesting how he develops as a writer.

Hopefuly, I'll be around here to watch it happen.

tongue.gif It's not gonna take that long you old geezer. laugh.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 8 2008, 11:23 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 8 2008, 10:46 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 8 2008, 10:31 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 8 2008, 10:15 PM)
Bloody has a ton of potential. It's going to be interesting how he develops as a writer.

Hopefuly, I'll be around here to watch it happen.

tongue.gif It's not gonna take that long you old geezer. laugh.gif

I wasn't talking about YEARS from now, I'm talking about how I'm going to be on fewer and fewer times when next semester starts up again.

... young whipper snappers these days. dry.gif

laugh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 9 2008, 03:53 AM
Actually, this isn't the villain. The powers of this character are the good part. I'm getting to it.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 9 2008, 03:55 AM
I like it..a lot! It goes perfectly with my character. I'll give a full review tommorow. Good job!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 9 2008, 03:53 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 9 2008, 03:55 AM)
I like it..a lot! It goes perfectly with my character. I'll give a full review tommorow. Good job!

Have they accepted it yet?

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 9 2008, 08:58 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 9 2008, 03:53 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 9 2008, 03:55 AM)
I like it..a lot! It goes perfectly with my character. I'll give a full review tommorow. Good job!

Have they accepted it yet?

No sad.gif

"Awaiting Admin Text Review"

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 9 2008, 09:04 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 9 2008, 03:31 AM)
Okay SWman, this is the beginning of my enemy for Mashasaki. It is only lacking the powers. I want you to give it the once over and tell me what I need to change and what I got wrong. This is the villain to your character, so only you can tell me what I am doing wrong. Anybody else is welcome to give comments as well.

The Seven Devils of Shukai

They say history is written by the victor. Therefore, I have recorded my actions towards the Mashasaki. But now as I feel the cold hand of death creep towards me; I record so someone will know what happened to me. To my clan. As those dark riders return; I record so others won’t make the same mistakes I made. This is the journal of a dead man…

[Translated from Japanese]

April 24, 1126

For years the Mashasaki have been the enemy of the Shukai. Even in times of supposed peace, our battle continued. My father was killed by them in those peace times. Why? It doesn’t really matter anymore. It never did. The Mashasaki are a plague. Blight on the social order. I wish them all death and I have vowed to expunge them from history through any means necessary. So for almost seven years, I have cursed the Mashasaki. I've never prayed to any god. So, I’ve thrown my appeals to whatever deity would listen. If they do not hear me, so be it.

For years I have planned, I have planted grass (spies) in the Mashasaki clan. My ninja grass has been living amongst them. Learning their ways. Assimilating their culture and studying exactly how to kill them from the inside out. Today is no different. Today, they have brought me good news. That boy, the killer of my father has now become the head of the clan. Now, I will become his downfall. My grass will sow seeds of discourse throughout the clan. It is time for my grass to grow and choke away the weeds.

April 26, 1126

Success! My plans are moving without fail. My grass spies have networked throughout the clan. Spreading disharmony and lies about that worthless boy. His entire clan is starting to believe his ancestry to be the cause of the turmoil within them. This will be his gutless fathers reward. His entire lineages reward.

…….

It is the middle of the night. What a disturbing dream? I’d rather not go into detail. I must rest. There is much to be done tomorrow.

April 30, 1126

It has been brought to my attention that the boy’s female companion is with child. The child cannot be allowed to live. There will be no inheritance to the clan. My men watched her train today. Even heavy with child her body moves gracefully. Her sword holds true. Both of them were always mighty swordsmen. Tomorrow my grass will smother those tangled weeds.

…….

S***! Damned nightmares.

April 31, 1126

Pathetic! Weak Grass. They have been sitting idle too long. Their swords aren’t as swift. Their skills aren’t attuned to war anymore. Today once again, one of my men, Satoshi has tried to take the life of the boy. He lost his head. I can’t even sneak a killing during his morning deliberations. I must find stronger warriors for this battle. Curse the ground he walks on. Tonight, I will pray for his death again. Surely, someone must hear me. Can heaven itself not grant me justice? Then who? Who must I pray too?

Regardless, friction will be sown by my grass with this attack. The boy will think one of his own men have tried to kill him. He will trust no one. My plan still holds true. Destruction from within.

…….

Again, with the dreams! My nights are haunted. Seven men shrouded in darkness. Riding on horses. Surely, it is some form of omen. I must check with my sage soon.

May 3rd, 1126

Centuries ago, the Shukai were the strongest clan in Japan. Our numbers swelled and our notoriety grew as well. But there was disarray in the ranks. The Mashasaki family. What hell spawned them? Even in the beginnings, they were a nuisance. They sought to break away from the Shukai. Now look at them. A civil war has spread throughout there kinfolk. The grass has done well. Though they have not killed the boy; they have created conspiracy causing the clan to split. With the civil war in full effect, the grass’ job is finished. We have even recruited many Mashasaki to our side. They will be rewarded when they return home.

My next plan of action was the assassins. Entering the clan as Mashasaki shinobi, they killed unhindered. Acting like rebels for both sides of the war, one of them actually met with the young leader. He lost his arm in that short confrontation. He returned home and died of blood loss shortly after. He told me of the look in the boys eyes when he saw that he had killed what he thought to be his own men. Foolish child. He is just that…a child. He is bewildered. Not ready for war. Confused and soon broken. Now, we must take what he loves most. Hanako.

…….

Curse the gods. Why do these demon riders haunt me? Another night and surely I will go insane. They come closer and closer during the hours of darkness. What do they want from me? Tomorrow, I meet with the sage. I must know…

May 7th, 1126

Grand victory! Though my nights haunt me, my days are splendid. From the comfort of my home, I am made aware of the destruction of Mashasaki by my faithful emissaries. The Mashasaki has all but fallen and today I receive great news. The child leader is now leaving for Botataka. He has left his most prized possession alone. Surely he has hidden her away to avoid the war. My men know every corner of their territory. We will find her. The Mashasaki lineage will be vanquished once and for all.

…….

My father. Why did he look at me in that way? I don’t know how long I can take these dreams. Why? The sage spoke of a curse. One I invoked. Could all those years of praying…? But why now?

May 14th, 1126

My men have followed the child for a full week. He is far away from home now. It is time. Today, I send in assassins to find and kill the girl.

……

The sixth dream. The sage said seven was significant. I’m scared. Never before have I known such fear. I cannot sleep.

May 23rd, 1126

The child leader has made it to Botataka. My men have scoured his homeland and have found no signs of the girl. They tell me that he spent the day training. I must send another party out soon before he returns for the girl.

May 29th, 1126

My men have failed again. Where is the girl? What must I do to secure my victory? Blast my fate! I don’t care what the sage says. Tonight, I will offer up the soul of every man and woman of Shukai for vengeance!

"My men watched her train today. Even heavy with child her body moves gracefully. "

-In mashasaki when I talked about Hanako's gracefulness, I was referring to before she was pregnant.

"S***! Damned nightmares."


"Again, with the dreams! My nights are haunted. Seven men shrouded in darkness. Riding on horses. Surely, it is some form of omen. I must check with my sage soon. "

-These didnt seem to fit in with the character. It didn't keep a consistent tone.


Posted by: treacherous Dec 9 2008, 09:20 PM
That's it?

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 9 2008, 09:31 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 9 2008, 09:20 PM)
That's it?

huh.gif I'm waiting for you to write the personality, and power descriptions.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 9 2008, 10:41 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 9 2008, 09:31 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 9 2008, 09:20 PM)
That's it?

huh.gif I'm waiting for you to write the personality, and power descriptions.

Oh. Okay. They might be up tonight.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 10 2008, 05:13 AM
The finished piece. I think this is my best one yet. Hope you guys don't mind reading? By the way, each of the names of the powers for this character can be wiki'd for further info. All the powers are standard except Necromancer. That's Ultimate.

The Seven Demons of Shukai

They say history is written by the victor. Therefore, I have recorded my actions towards the Mashasaki. But now as I feel the cold hand of death creep towards me; I record so someone will know what happened to me. To my clan. As those dark riders return; I record so others won’t make the same mistakes I made. This is the journal of a dead man…

[Translated from Japanese]

April 24, 1126

For years the Mashasaki have been the enemy of the Shukai. Even in times of supposed peace, our battle continued. My father was killed in those peace times. Why? It doesn’t really matter anymore. It never did. The Mashasaki are a plague. Blight on the social order. I wish them all death and I have vowed to expunge them from history through any means necessary. So for almost seven years, I have cursed the Mashasaki. I pray to no god. So, I’ve thrown my appeals to whatever deity would listen. If they do not hear me, so be it. I will destroy the Mashasaki myself.

For a long time I have planned, planting grass (spies) in the Mashasaki clan. My ninja grass has been living amongst them for decades now. Learning their ways. Assimilating their culture and studying exactly how to kill them from the inside out. Today is no different. Today, they have brought me good news. That boy, the killer of my father has now become the head of the clan. Now, I will become his downfall. My grass will sow seeds of discourse throughout the clan. It is time for my grass to grow and choke away the weeds.

April 26, 1126

Success! My plans are moving without fail. My grass spies have networked throughout the clan. Spreading disharmony and lies about that worthless boy. His entire clan is starting to believe his ancestry to be the cause of the turmoil within them. This will be his gutless fathers reward. His entire lineages reward.

…….

In the middle of the night….what disturbing dreams? My father. What was he trying to tell me? Why? I must rest. There is much to be done tomorrow.

April 30, 1126

It has been brought to my attention that the boy’s female companion is with child. The child cannot be allowed to live. There will be no inheritance to the clan. My men watched her train before. Her body moved gracefully. Her sword was true of a kunoichi, but with child she is useless. Both of them were mighty swordsmen, but tomorrow my grass will smother those tangled weeds.

…….

In the night again, I’ve never had such nightmarish dreams before. I must reflect on these later.

April 31, 1126

Pathetic! Weak Grass. They have been sitting idle too long. Their swords aren’t as swift. Their skills aren’t attuned to war anymore. Today once again, one of my men, Satoshi has tried to take the life of the boy. He lost his head. I can’t even sneak a killing during his morning deliberations. I must find stronger warriors for this battle. Curse the ground he walks on. Tonight, I will pray for his death again. Surely, someone must hear me. Can heaven itself not grant me justice? Then who? Who must I pray too?

In spite of this, friction will be sown by my grass with this attack. The boy will think one of his own men have tried to kill him. He will trust no one. My plan still holds true. Destruction from within.

…….

My nights are haunted. Seven men shrouded in darkness riding on horses. They ride to Shukai. Surely, it is some form of omen.

May 3rd, 1126

Centuries ago, the Shukai were the strongest clan in Japan. Our numbers swelled and our notoriety grew as well. But there was disarray in the ranks. The Mashasaki family. What hell spawned them? Even in the beginnings, they were a nuisance. They sought to break away from the Shukai. Now look at them. A civil war has spread throughout their kinfolk. The grass has done well overall. Though they have not killed the boy; they have created conspiracy causing the clan to split. With the civil war in full effect, the grass’ job is finished. We have even recruited many Mashasaki to our side. They will be rewarded when they return home.

My next plan of action was the assassins. Entering the clan as Mashasaki shinobi, they killed unhindered. Acting like rebels for both sides of the war, one of them actually met with the young leader. My ninja lost his arm in that short confrontation. He returned home and died of blood loss shortly after. I was told me of the look in the boy leaders eyes. Thinking he killed his own men broke him. Foolish child. He is just that…a child. He is bewildered. Not ready for war. Confused and soon broken. Now, we must take what he loves most. Her name is Hanako.

…….

Curse the gods. Why do these demon riders haunt me? Another night and surely I will go insane. They come closer and closer during the hours of darkness. What do they want from me? I must know…

May 7th, 1126

Grand victory! Though my nights haunt me, my days are splendid. From the comfort of my home, I am made aware of the destruction of Mashasaki by my faithful emissaries. The Mashasaki has all but fallen and today I receive great news. The child leader is now leaving for Botataka. He has left his most prized possession alone. Surely he has hidden her away to avoid the war. My men know every corner of their territory. We will find her. The Mashasaki lineage will be vanquished once and for all.

…….

I’d rather not go into detail about these visions in the night at this time. They will not disrupt my plans.

May 14th, 1126

My men have followed the child for a full week. He is far away from home now. It is time. Today, I send in assassins to find and kill the girl.

……

In the night I fear. Never before have I known such dread. I cannot sleep.

May 23rd, 1126

The child leader has made it to Botataka. My men have scoured his homeland and have found no signs of the girl. They tell me that he spent the day training. I must send another party out soon before he returns for the girl.

May 29th, 1126

My men have failed again. Where is the girl? What must I do to secure my victory? Blast my fate! Tonight, I will offer up the soul of every man and woman of Shukai for vengeance!

Personality:

June 1st, 1126

It has been days since that night. I’m sure the boy leader will die and then… It took me a few days to write this, but I must finally chronicle that night. This may be the last time I write.

For seven years, I recklessly threw my prayers to the wind. I should’ve known. A godless man would only receive godless answers to his appeals. That night, seven horsemen stood before our clan. Every able bodied man we had came to meet them in arms. Our clan was hidden, yet they found us. Our watchmen were faultless, yet here they stand. I hoped the clan could not see it in my eyes…fear. These riders were not ordinary men. My dreams now seem to haunt me in the waking world. What have I done?

Powers:

Yôkai – Martial Supremacy


Although my heart trembled, I dare not cower before my men. So I spoke, “Explain your presence or face the swords of Shukai!” I knew who these men were. They had plagued my nights. The rider in front unmasked. My clan gasped at the face of the rider. My dead father returned. He looked at me. His eyes burst into tears. When he cried, the rain began to fall. In grief he spoke, “Tomorrow, the Mashasaki will fall.” My men cheered as they thought my father had returned to lead them. I knew better. I couldn’t speak, so I nodded in approval and the horsemen rode into the downpour. Now, I should reveal the identities of the riders. My nightmares come to life…

Goryo – Weather Control

The dreams were always preceded by seven horsemen riding through a storm. Then a flash of blinding lightning and the nightmare would begin. Each night, I would meet a rider. By far, the first was the most horrible. There I stood in the blistering rain. So intense was it that I could barely see five steps ahead of me. A lone ninja stood at least ten steps ahead. His head lowered so I could not see his face. I called out to him demanding an explanation. My heart skipped a beat when his head rose. My father face was filled with mourning. Even in the rain, you could see his pain. I screamed at him for answers. “What do you want from me?” “What do you want me to do?” He never answered. With a gesture something moved behind him. At first, I couldn’t see it and then it strode forward. A dark horse beckoned me to ride. Lightning struck and I awoke.

Amanojaku – Emotion Control

The second invasion of my dreams came the night before Satoshi’s death. An indecipherable whisper in my sleep. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. However, it was the first time it had entered by force into my dreams. What could these whispers mean? What were they saying? I tossed and turned all night until the whispers became an indistinguishable roar. It was like a thousand voices which eventually woke me from my slumber.


Nukekubi – projectile attack

On the third night, the horsemen came again. The lightning flashed and before me in a forest clearing stood Satoshi. He served me well; I had cursed him for failing to kill the boy leader. Now he returns to irk my rest. Standing there, he made a motion simulating a knife cutting across the neck. Then, his eyes began to glow red. It then separated from his shoulders and flew towards me with tremendous speed. His body simply fell into a meditation position as his head assailed me. With razor sharp teeth it struck my jugular. I awoke screaming. Satoshi…

Shiryo – Sword Master

My own ninja assaulted me in the next dream. It was the young ninja who lost his arm and life in my employ. After the riders and the rain, came a flash of light. However it was not lightning, but the flash of steel meeting steel. The one armed shinobi that I trained was trying to kill me. I held him off well, but suddenly I was flanked by another swordsman. He looked exactly like the Shukai fighter, but with the clothing and markings of the Mashasaki. Both men had one arm each. Together they worked as one to overwhelm me. A graceful symphony of fighting. A waltz that would end in my death.

Gashadokuro – Natural Weaponry

The war had created many casualties. In the next dream, I was the gravedigger of those martyrs burying the bones of the dead. I tried to hide the forgotten lies, my sins. With a final heave I completed the task and packed the dirt tight. Centuries of conflict beneath my feet. Then, the ground shook. The Earth cracked. From the mound of ancient history a giant arose. Twice the size of a normal man, a skeletal figure shook himself free of his prison. I tried to run…to escape, but with a mighty swipe he lifted me off the ground. With a crunch, he bit me in two. Another night…another nightmare.

Kamaitachi – Slicing attack

The final dream. A painful night. I was being chased through our encampment. Pursued by a nimble assassin. He wore a mask like that of a weasel. Instead of hands he had blades like a mantis. I ran. It didn’t matter. He swooped in and out of the woods. Taking chunks out of me as he attacked. For every swipe, I saw a life that had died in my employ. Eventually I awoke with not a scratch on my body. However the pain still resonates today.

There was no seventh dream. At least not while I slept. On May 29th 1126, they came to our camp. The living nightmares visited Shukai. Since then my spies have reported of Hanako’s death. They also reported that the Mushasaki were being slaughtered. As much as I wanted it, I had no joy anymore. “What of the boy?” I asked them. “He leaves from Botataka to encounter the slayers. He is stronger and filled with hate. He is aware of the death of Hanako.” They told me. Soon, my prayers will be answered. But by who? I cursed the heavens for years, yet prayed blindly for vengeance. I see the irony.

Last night I dreamt of the riders again…returning to Shukai. With them was an eighth horse. It had no rider…

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 10 2008, 07:55 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 05:13 AM)
The finished piece. I think this is my best one yet. Hope you guys don't mind reading? By the way, each of the names of the powers for this character can be wiki'd for further info. All the powers are standard except Necromancer. That's Ultimate.

The Seven Demons of Shukai

They say history is written by the victor. Therefore, I have recorded my actions towards the Mashasaki. But now as I feel the cold hand of death creep towards me; I record so someone will know what happened to me. To my clan. As those dark riders return; I record so others won’t make the same mistakes I made. This is the journal of a dead man…

[Translated from Japanese]

April 24, 1126

For years the Mashasaki have been the enemy of the Shukai. Even in times of supposed peace, our battle continued. My father was killed in those peace times. Why? It doesn’t really matter anymore. It never did. The Mashasaki are a plague. Blight on the social order. I wish them all death and I have vowed to expunge them from history through any means necessary. So for almost seven years, I have cursed the Mashasaki. I pray to no god. So, I’ve thrown my appeals to whatever deity would listen. If they do not hear me, so be it. I will destroy the Mashasaki myself.

For a long time I have planned, planting grass (spies) in the Mashasaki clan. My ninja grass has been living amongst them for decades now. Learning their ways. Assimilating their culture and studying exactly how to kill them from the inside out. Today is no different. Today, they have brought me good news. That boy, the killer of my father has now become the head of the clan. Now, I will become his downfall. My grass will sow seeds of discourse throughout the clan. It is time for my grass to grow and choke away the weeds.

April 26, 1126

Success! My plans are moving without fail. My grass spies have networked throughout the clan. Spreading disharmony and lies about that worthless boy. His entire clan is starting to believe his ancestry to be the cause of the turmoil within them. This will be his gutless fathers reward. His entire lineages reward.

…….

In the middle of the night….what disturbing dreams? My father. What was he trying to tell me? Why? I must rest. There is much to be done tomorrow.

April 30, 1126

It has been brought to my attention that the boy’s female companion is with child. The child cannot be allowed to live. There will be no inheritance to the clan. My men watched her train before. Her body moved gracefully. Her sword was true of a kunoichi, but with child she is useless. Both of them were mighty swordsmen, but tomorrow my grass will smother those tangled weeds.

…….

In the night again, I’ve never had such nightmarish dreams before. I must reflect on these later.

April 31, 1126

Pathetic! Weak Grass. They have been sitting idle too long. Their swords aren’t as swift. Their skills aren’t attuned to war anymore. Today once again, one of my men, Satoshi has tried to take the life of the boy. He lost his head. I can’t even sneak a killing during his morning deliberations. I must find stronger warriors for this battle. Curse the ground he walks on. Tonight, I will pray for his death again. Surely, someone must hear me. Can heaven itself not grant me justice? Then who? Who must I pray too?

In spite of this, friction will be sown by my grass with this attack. The boy will think one of his own men have tried to kill him. He will trust no one. My plan still holds true. Destruction from within.

…….

My nights are haunted. Seven men shrouded in darkness riding on horses. They ride to Shukai. Surely, it is some form of omen.

May 3rd, 1126

Centuries ago, the Shukai were the strongest clan in Japan. Our numbers swelled and our notoriety grew as well. But there was disarray in the ranks. The Mashasaki family. What hell spawned them? Even in the beginnings, they were a nuisance. They sought to break away from the Shukai. Now look at them. A civil war has spread throughout their kinfolk. The grass has done well overall. Though they have not killed the boy; they have created conspiracy causing the clan to split. With the civil war in full effect, the grass’ job is finished. We have even recruited many Mashasaki to our side. They will be rewarded when they return home.

My next plan of action was the assassins. Entering the clan as Mashasaki shinobi, they killed unhindered. Acting like rebels for both sides of the war, one of them actually met with the young leader. My ninja lost his arm in that short confrontation. He returned home and died of blood loss shortly after. I was told me of the look in the boy leaders eyes. Thinking he killed his own men broke him. Foolish child. He is just that…a child. He is bewildered. Not ready for war. Confused and soon broken. Now, we must take what he loves most. Her name is Hanako.

…….

Curse the gods. Why do these demon riders haunt me? Another night and surely I will go insane. They come closer and closer during the hours of darkness. What do they want from me? I must know…

May 7th, 1126

Grand victory! Though my nights haunt me, my days are splendid. From the comfort of my home, I am made aware of the destruction of Mashasaki by my faithful emissaries. The Mashasaki has all but fallen and today I receive great news. The child leader is now leaving for Botataka. He has left his most prized possession alone. Surely he has hidden her away to avoid the war. My men know every corner of their territory. We will find her. The Mashasaki lineage will be vanquished once and for all.

…….

I’d rather not go into detail about these visions in the night at this time. They will not disrupt my plans.

May 14th, 1126

My men have followed the child for a full week. He is far away from home now. It is time. Today, I send in assassins to find and kill the girl.

……

In the night I fear. Never before have I known such dread. I cannot sleep.

May 23rd, 1126

The child leader has made it to Botataka. My men have scoured his homeland and have found no signs of the girl. They tell me that he spent the day training. I must send another party out soon before he returns for the girl.

May 29th, 1126

My men have failed again. Where is the girl? What must I do to secure my victory? Blast my fate! Tonight, I will offer up the soul of every man and woman of Shukai for vengeance!

Personality:

June 1st, 1126

It has been days since that night. I’m sure the boy leader will die and then… It took me a few days to write this, but I must finally chronicle that night. This may be the last time I write.

For seven years, I recklessly threw my prayers to the wind. I should’ve known. A godless man would only receive godless answers to his appeals. That night, seven horsemen stood before our clan. Every able bodied man we had came to meet them in arms. Our clan was hidden, yet they found us. Our watchmen were faultless, yet here they stand. I hoped the clan could not see it in my eyes…fear. These riders were not ordinary men. My dreams now seem to haunt me in the waking world. What have I done?

Powers:

Yôkai – Martial Supremacy


Although my heart trembled, I dare not cower before my men. So I spoke, “Explain your presence or face the swords of Shukai!” I knew who these men were. They had plagued my nights. The rider in front unmasked. My clan gasped at the face of the rider. My dead father returned. He looked at me. His eyes burst into tears. When he cried, the rain began to fall. In grief he spoke, “Tomorrow, the Mashasaki will fall.” My men cheered as they thought my father had returned to lead them. I knew better. I couldn’t speak, so I nodded in approval and the horsemen rode into the downpour. Now, I should reveal the identities of the riders. My nightmares come to life…

Goryo – Weather Control

The dreams were always preceded by seven horsemen riding through a storm. Then a flash of blinding lightning and the nightmare would begin. Each night, I would meet a rider. By far, the first was the most horrible. There I stood in the blistering rain. So intense was it that I could barely see five steps ahead of me. A lone ninja stood at least ten steps ahead. His head lowered so I could not see his face. I called out to him demanding an explanation. My heart skipped a beat when his head rose. My father face was filled with mourning. Even in the rain, you could see his pain. I screamed at him for answers. “What do you want from me?” “What do you want me to do?” He never answered. With a gesture something moved behind him. At first, I couldn’t see it and then it strode forward. A dark horse beckoned me to ride. Lightning struck and I awoke.

Amanojaku – Emotion Control

The second invasion of my dreams came the night before Satoshi’s death. An indecipherable whisper in my sleep. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. However, it was the first time it had entered by force into my dreams. What could these whispers mean? What were they saying? I tossed and turned all night until the whispers became an indistinguishable roar. It was like a thousand voices which eventually woke me from my slumber.


Nukekubi – projectile attack

On the third night, the horsemen came again. The lightning flashed and before me in a forest clearing stood Satoshi. He served me well; I had cursed him for failing to kill the boy leader. Now he returns to irk my rest. Standing there, he made a motion simulating a knife cutting across the neck. Then, his eyes began to glow red. It then separated from his shoulders and flew towards me with tremendous speed. His body simply fell into a meditation position as his head assailed me. With razor sharp teeth it struck my jugular. I awoke screaming. Satoshi…

Shiryo – Sword Master

My own ninja assaulted me in the next dream. It was the young ninja who lost his arm and life in my employ. After the riders and the rain, came a flash of light. However it was not lightning, but the flash of steel meeting steel. The one armed shinobi that I trained was trying to kill me. I held him off well, but suddenly I was flanked by another swordsman. He looked exactly like the Shukai fighter, but with the clothing and markings of the Mashasaki. Both men had one arm each. Together they worked as one to overwhelm me. A graceful symphony of fighting. A waltz that would end in my death.

Gashadokuro – Natural Weaponry

The war had created many casualties. In the next dream, I was the gravedigger of those martyrs burying the bones of the dead. I tried to hide the forgotten lies, my sins. With a final heave I completed the task and packed the dirt tight. Centuries of conflict beneath my feet. Then, the ground shook. The Earth cracked. From the mound of ancient history a giant arose. Twice the size of a normal man, a skeletal figure shook himself free of his prison. I tried to run…to escape, but with a mighty swipe he lifted me off the ground. With a crunch, he bit me in two. Another night…another nightmare.

Kamaitachi – Slicing attack

The final dream. A painful night. I was being chased through our encampment. Pursued by a nimble assassin. He wore a mask like that of a weasel. Instead of hands he had blades like a mantis. I ran. It didn’t matter. He swooped in and out of the woods. Taking chunks out of me as he attacked. For every swipe, I saw a life that had died in my employ. Eventually I awoke with not a scratch on my body. However the pain still resonates today.

There was no seventh dream. At least not while I slept. On May 29th 1126, they came to our camp. The living nightmares visited Shukai. Since then my spies have reported of Hanako’s death. They also reported that the Mushasaki were being slaughtered. As much as I wanted it, I had no joy anymore. “What of the boy?” I asked them. “He leaves from Botataka to encounter the slayers. He is stronger and filled with hate. He is aware of the death of Hanako.” They told me. Soon, my prayers will be answered. But by who? I cursed the heavens for years, yet prayed blindly for vengeance. I see the irony.

Last night I dreamt of the riders again…returning to Shukai. With them was an eighth horse. It had no rider…

I really dont know what to tell you. I enjoyed it very much, all the way through

If I were to give you any advice it would be..

1. Beef up the power descriptions a bit more

2. I think you overused the grass analogy a bit. Try replacing it with a different analogy now and then.

3. I would go into more detail about why he wishes to kill the mashasaki


That's about it... mellow.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 10 2008, 08:13 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 10 2008, 07:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 05:13 AM)
The finished piece.  I think this is my best one yet.  Hope you guys don't mind reading?  By the way, each of the names of the powers for this character can be wiki'd for further info.  All the powers are standard except Necromancer.  That's Ultimate.

The Seven Demons of Shukai

They say history is written by the victor.  Therefore, I have recorded my actions towards the Mashasaki.  But now as I feel the cold hand of death creep towards me; I record so someone will know what happened to me.  To my clan.  As those dark riders return; I record so others won’t make the same mistakes I made.  This is the journal of a dead man…

[Translated from Japanese]

April 24, 1126

For years the Mashasaki have been the enemy of the Shukai.  Even in times of supposed peace, our battle continued.  My father was killed in those peace times.  Why?  It doesn’t really matter anymore.  It never did.  The Mashasaki are a plague.  Blight on the social order.  I wish them all death and I have vowed to expunge them from history through any means necessary.  So for almost seven years, I have cursed the Mashasaki.  I pray to no god.  So, I’ve thrown my appeals to whatever deity would listen.  If they do not hear me, so be it.  I will destroy the Mashasaki myself.

For a long time I have planned, planting grass (spies) in the Mashasaki clan.  My ninja grass has been living amongst them for decades now.  Learning their ways.  Assimilating their culture and studying exactly how to kill them from the inside out.  Today is no different.  Today, they have brought me good news.  That boy, the killer of my father has now become the head of the clan.  Now, I will become his downfall.  My grass will sow seeds of discourse throughout the clan.  It is time for my grass to grow and choke away the weeds.

April 26, 1126

Success!  My plans are moving without fail.  My grass spies have networked throughout the clan.  Spreading disharmony and lies about that worthless boy.  His entire clan is starting to believe his ancestry to be the cause of the turmoil within them.  This will be his gutless fathers reward.  His entire lineages reward.   

…….

In the middle of the night….what disturbing dreams?  My father.  What was he trying to tell me?  Why?  I must rest.  There is much to be done tomorrow. 

April 30, 1126

It has been brought to my attention that the boy’s female companion is with child.  The child cannot be allowed to live.  There will be no inheritance to the clan.  My men watched her train before.  Her body moved gracefully.  Her sword was true of a kunoichi, but with child she is useless.  Both of them were mighty swordsmen, but tomorrow my grass will smother those tangled weeds.

…….

In the night again, I’ve never had such nightmarish dreams before.  I must reflect on these later. 

April 31, 1126

Pathetic!  Weak Grass.  They have been sitting idle too long.  Their swords aren’t as swift.  Their skills aren’t attuned to war anymore.  Today once again, one of my men, Satoshi has tried to take the life of the boy.  He lost his head.  I can’t even sneak a killing during his morning deliberations.  I must find stronger warriors for this battle.  Curse the ground he walks on.  Tonight, I will pray for his death again.  Surely, someone must hear me.  Can heaven itself not grant me justice?  Then who?  Who must I pray too? 

In spite of this, friction will be sown by my grass with this attack.  The boy will think one of his own men have tried to kill him.  He will trust no one.  My plan still holds true.  Destruction from within.

…….

My nights are haunted.  Seven men shrouded in darkness riding on horses.  They ride to Shukai.  Surely, it is some form of omen.     

May 3rd, 1126

Centuries ago, the Shukai were the strongest clan in Japan.  Our numbers swelled and our notoriety grew as well.  But there was disarray in the ranks.  The Mashasaki family.  What hell spawned them?  Even in the beginnings, they were a nuisance.  They sought to break away from the Shukai.  Now look at them.  A civil war has spread throughout their kinfolk.  The grass has done well overall.  Though they have not killed the boy; they have created conspiracy causing the clan to split.  With the civil war in full effect, the grass’ job is finished.  We have even recruited many Mashasaki to our side.  They will be rewarded when they return home. 

My next plan of action was the assassins.  Entering the clan as Mashasaki shinobi, they killed unhindered.  Acting like rebels for both sides of the war, one of them actually met with the young leader.  My ninja lost his arm in that short confrontation.  He returned home and died of blood loss shortly after.  I was told me of the look in the boy leaders eyes.  Thinking he killed his own men broke him.  Foolish child.  He is just that…a child.  He is bewildered.  Not ready for war.  Confused and soon broken.  Now, we must take what he loves most.  Her name is Hanako.

…….

Curse the gods.  Why do these demon riders haunt me?  Another night and surely I will go insane.  They come closer and closer during the hours of darkness.  What do they want from me?  I must know…

May 7th, 1126

Grand victory!  Though my nights haunt me, my days are splendid.  From the comfort of my home, I am made aware of the destruction of Mashasaki by my faithful emissaries.  The Mashasaki has all but fallen and today I receive great news.  The child leader is now leaving for Botataka.  He has left his most prized possession alone.  Surely he has hidden her away to avoid the war.  My men know every corner of their territory.  We will find her.  The Mashasaki lineage will be vanquished once and for all.

…….

I’d rather not go into detail about these visions in the night at this time.  They will not disrupt my plans.

May 14th, 1126

My men have followed the child for a full week.  He is far away from home now.  It is time.  Today, I send in assassins to find and kill the girl. 

……

In the night I fear.  Never before have I known such dread.  I cannot sleep. 

May 23rd, 1126

The child leader has made it to Botataka.  My men have scoured his homeland and have found no signs of the girl.  They tell me that he spent the day training.  I must send another party out soon before he returns for the girl.

May 29th, 1126

My men have failed again.  Where is the girl?  What must I do to secure my victory?  Blast my fate!  Tonight, I will offer up the soul of every man and woman of Shukai for vengeance! 

Personality:

June 1st, 1126

It has been days since that night.  I’m sure the boy leader will die and then…  It took me a few days to write this, but I must finally chronicle that night.  This may be the last time I write.

For seven years, I recklessly threw my prayers to the wind.  I should’ve known.  A godless man would only receive godless answers to his appeals.  That night, seven horsemen stood before our clan.  Every able bodied man we had came to meet them in arms.  Our clan was hidden, yet they found us.  Our watchmen were faultless, yet here they stand.  I hoped the clan could not see it in my eyes…fear.  These riders were not ordinary men.  My dreams now seem to haunt me in the waking world.  What have I done?

Powers:

Yôkai – Martial Supremacy


Although my heart trembled, I dare not cower before my men.  So I spoke, “Explain your presence or face the swords of Shukai!”  I knew who these men were.  They had plagued my nights.  The rider in front unmasked.  My clan gasped at the face of the rider.  My dead father returned.  He looked at me.  His eyes burst into tears.  When he cried, the rain began to fall.  In grief he spoke, “Tomorrow, the Mashasaki will fall.”  My men cheered as they thought my father had returned to lead them.  I knew better.  I couldn’t speak, so I nodded in approval and the horsemen rode into the downpour.  Now, I should reveal the identities of the riders.  My nightmares come to life…

Goryo – Weather Control

The dreams were always preceded by seven horsemen riding through a storm.  Then a flash of blinding lightning and the nightmare would begin.  Each night, I would meet a rider.  By far, the first was the most horrible.  There I stood in the blistering rain.  So intense was it that I could barely see five steps ahead of me.  A lone ninja stood at least ten steps ahead.  His head lowered so I could not see his face.  I called out to him demanding an explanation.  My heart skipped a beat when his head rose.  My father face was filled with mourning.  Even in the rain, you could see his pain.  I screamed at him for answers.  “What do you want from me?”  “What do you want me to do?”  He never answered.  With a gesture something moved behind him.  At first, I couldn’t see it and then it strode forward.  A dark horse beckoned me to ride.  Lightning struck and I awoke.

Amanojaku – Emotion Control

The second invasion of my dreams came the night before Satoshi’s death.  An indecipherable whisper in my sleep.  This wasn’t the first time I’d heard it.  However, it was the first time it had entered by force into my dreams.  What could these whispers mean?  What were they saying?  I tossed and turned all night until the whispers became an indistinguishable roar.  It was like a thousand voices which eventually woke me from my slumber. 


Nukekubi – projectile attack

On the third night, the horsemen came again.  The lightning flashed and before me in a forest clearing stood Satoshi.  He served me well; I had cursed him for failing to kill the boy leader.  Now he returns to irk my rest.  Standing there, he made a motion simulating a knife cutting across the neck.  Then, his eyes began to glow red.  It then separated from his shoulders and flew towards me with tremendous speed.  His body simply fell into a meditation position as his head assailed me.  With razor sharp teeth it struck my jugular.  I awoke screaming.  Satoshi…

Shiryo – Sword Master

My own ninja assaulted me in the next dream.  It was the young ninja who lost his arm and life in my employ.  After the riders and the rain, came a flash of light.  However it was not lightning, but the flash of steel meeting steel.  The one armed shinobi that I trained was trying to kill me.  I held him off well, but suddenly I was flanked by another swordsman.  He looked exactly like the Shukai fighter, but with the clothing and markings of the Mashasaki.  Both men had one arm each.  Together they worked as one to overwhelm me.  A graceful symphony of fighting.  A waltz that would end in my death. 

Gashadokuro – Natural Weaponry

The war had created many casualties.  In the next dream, I was the gravedigger of those martyrs burying the bones of the dead.  I tried to hide the forgotten lies, my sins.  With a final heave I completed the task and packed the dirt tight.  Centuries of conflict beneath my feet.  Then, the ground shook.  The Earth cracked.  From the mound of ancient history a giant arose.  Twice the size of a normal man, a skeletal figure shook himself free of his prison.  I tried to run…to escape, but with a mighty swipe he lifted me off the ground.  With a crunch, he bit me in two.  Another night…another nightmare.

Kamaitachi – Slicing attack

The final dream.  A painful night.  I was being chased through our encampment.  Pursued by a nimble assassin.  He wore a mask like that of a weasel.  Instead of hands he had blades like a mantis.  I ran.  It didn’t matter.  He swooped in and out of the woods.  Taking chunks out of me as he attacked.  For every swipe, I saw a life that had died in my employ.  Eventually I awoke with not a scratch on my body.  However the pain still resonates today.

There was no seventh dream.  At least not while I slept.  On May 29th 1126, they came to our camp.  The living nightmares visited Shukai.  Since then my spies have reported of Hanako’s death.  They also reported that the Mushasaki were being slaughtered.  As much as I wanted it, I had no joy anymore.  “What of the boy?”  I asked them.  “He leaves from Botataka to encounter the slayers.  He is stronger and filled with hate.  He is aware of the death of Hanako.” They told me.  Soon, my prayers will be answered.  But by who?  I cursed the heavens for years, yet prayed blindly for vengeance.  I see the irony. 

Last night I dreamt of the riders again…returning to Shukai.  With them was an eighth horse.  It had no rider…

I really dont know what to tell you. I enjoyed it very much, all the way through

If I were to give you any advice it would be..

1. Beef up the power descriptions a bit more

2. I think you overused the grass analogy a bit. Try replacing it with a different analogy now and then.

3. I would go into more detail about why he wishes to kill the mashasaki


That's about it... mellow.gif

Hmmm. Okay. That's pretty simple stuff. Does it make sense? Is it a worthy foe?

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 10 2008, 08:17 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 10 2008, 07:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 05:13 AM)
The finished piece.  I think this is my best one yet.  Hope you guys don't mind reading?  By the way, each of the names of the powers for this character can be wiki'd for further info.  All the powers are standard except Necromancer.  That's Ultimate.

The Seven Demons of Shukai

They say history is written by the victor.  Therefore, I have recorded my actions towards the Mashasaki.  But now as I feel the cold hand of death creep towards me; I record so someone will know what happened to me.  To my clan.  As those dark riders return; I record so others won’t make the same mistakes I made.  This is the journal of a dead man…

[Translated from Japanese]

April 24, 1126

For years the Mashasaki have been the enemy of the Shukai.  Even in times of supposed peace, our battle continued.  My father was killed in those peace times.  Why?  It doesn’t really matter anymore.  It never did.  The Mashasaki are a plague.  Blight on the social order.  I wish them all death and I have vowed to expunge them from history through any means necessary.  So for almost seven years, I have cursed the Mashasaki.  I pray to no god.  So, I’ve thrown my appeals to whatever deity would listen.  If they do not hear me, so be it.  I will destroy the Mashasaki myself.

For a long time I have planned, planting grass (spies) in the Mashasaki clan.  My ninja grass has been living amongst them for decades now.  Learning their ways.  Assimilating their culture and studying exactly how to kill them from the inside out.  Today is no different.  Today, they have brought me good news.  That boy, the killer of my father has now become the head of the clan.  Now, I will become his downfall.  My grass will sow seeds of discourse throughout the clan.  It is time for my grass to grow and choke away the weeds.

April 26, 1126

Success!  My plans are moving without fail.  My grass spies have networked throughout the clan.  Spreading disharmony and lies about that worthless boy.  His entire clan is starting to believe his ancestry to be the cause of the turmoil within them.  This will be his gutless fathers reward.  His entire lineages reward.   

…….

In the middle of the night….what disturbing dreams?  My father.  What was he trying to tell me?  Why?  I must rest.  There is much to be done tomorrow. 

April 30, 1126

It has been brought to my attention that the boy’s female companion is with child.  The child cannot be allowed to live.  There will be no inheritance to the clan.  My men watched her train before.  Her body moved gracefully.  Her sword was true of a kunoichi, but with child she is useless.  Both of them were mighty swordsmen, but tomorrow my grass will smother those tangled weeds.

…….

In the night again, I’ve never had such nightmarish dreams before.  I must reflect on these later. 

April 31, 1126

Pathetic!  Weak Grass.  They have been sitting idle too long.  Their swords aren’t as swift.  Their skills aren’t attuned to war anymore.  Today once again, one of my men, Satoshi has tried to take the life of the boy.  He lost his head.  I can’t even sneak a killing during his morning deliberations.  I must find stronger warriors for this battle.  Curse the ground he walks on.  Tonight, I will pray for his death again.  Surely, someone must hear me.  Can heaven itself not grant me justice?  Then who?  Who must I pray too? 

In spite of this, friction will be sown by my grass with this attack.  The boy will think one of his own men have tried to kill him.  He will trust no one.  My plan still holds true.  Destruction from within.

…….

My nights are haunted.  Seven men shrouded in darkness riding on horses.  They ride to Shukai.  Surely, it is some form of omen.     

May 3rd, 1126

Centuries ago, the Shukai were the strongest clan in Japan.  Our numbers swelled and our notoriety grew as well.  But there was disarray in the ranks.  The Mashasaki family.  What hell spawned them?  Even in the beginnings, they were a nuisance.  They sought to break away from the Shukai.  Now look at them.  A civil war has spread throughout their kinfolk.  The grass has done well overall.  Though they have not killed the boy; they have created conspiracy causing the clan to split.  With the civil war in full effect, the grass’ job is finished.  We have even recruited many Mashasaki to our side.  They will be rewarded when they return home. 

My next plan of action was the assassins.  Entering the clan as Mashasaki shinobi, they killed unhindered.  Acting like rebels for both sides of the war, one of them actually met with the young leader.  My ninja lost his arm in that short confrontation.  He returned home and died of blood loss shortly after.  I was told me of the look in the boy leaders eyes.  Thinking he killed his own men broke him.  Foolish child.  He is just that…a child.  He is bewildered.  Not ready for war.  Confused and soon broken.  Now, we must take what he loves most.  Her name is Hanako.

…….

Curse the gods.  Why do these demon riders haunt me?  Another night and surely I will go insane.  They come closer and closer during the hours of darkness.  What do they want from me?  I must know…

May 7th, 1126

Grand victory!  Though my nights haunt me, my days are splendid.  From the comfort of my home, I am made aware of the destruction of Mashasaki by my faithful emissaries.  The Mashasaki has all but fallen and today I receive great news.  The child leader is now leaving for Botataka.  He has left his most prized possession alone.  Surely he has hidden her away to avoid the war.  My men know every corner of their territory.  We will find her.  The Mashasaki lineage will be vanquished once and for all.

…….

I’d rather not go into detail about these visions in the night at this time.  They will not disrupt my plans.

May 14th, 1126

My men have followed the child for a full week.  He is far away from home now.  It is time.  Today, I send in assassins to find and kill the girl. 

……

In the night I fear.  Never before have I known such dread.  I cannot sleep. 

May 23rd, 1126

The child leader has made it to Botataka.  My men have scoured his homeland and have found no signs of the girl.  They tell me that he spent the day training.  I must send another party out soon before he returns for the girl.

May 29th, 1126

My men have failed again.  Where is the girl?  What must I do to secure my victory?  Blast my fate!  Tonight, I will offer up the soul of every man and woman of Shukai for vengeance! 

Personality:

June 1st, 1126

It has been days since that night.  I’m sure the boy leader will die and then…  It took me a few days to write this, but I must finally chronicle that night.  This may be the last time I write.

For seven years, I recklessly threw my prayers to the wind.  I should’ve known.  A godless man would only receive godless answers to his appeals.  That night, seven horsemen stood before our clan.  Every able bodied man we had came to meet them in arms.  Our clan was hidden, yet they found us.  Our watchmen were faultless, yet here they stand.  I hoped the clan could not see it in my eyes…fear.  These riders were not ordinary men.  My dreams now seem to haunt me in the waking world.  What have I done?

Powers:

Yôkai – Martial Supremacy


Although my heart trembled, I dare not cower before my men.  So I spoke, “Explain your presence or face the swords of Shukai!”  I knew who these men were.  They had plagued my nights.  The rider in front unmasked.  My clan gasped at the face of the rider.  My dead father returned.  He looked at me.  His eyes burst into tears.  When he cried, the rain began to fall.  In grief he spoke, “Tomorrow, the Mashasaki will fall.”  My men cheered as they thought my father had returned to lead them.  I knew better.  I couldn’t speak, so I nodded in approval and the horsemen rode into the downpour.  Now, I should reveal the identities of the riders.  My nightmares come to life…

Goryo – Weather Control

The dreams were always preceded by seven horsemen riding through a storm.  Then a flash of blinding lightning and the nightmare would begin.  Each night, I would meet a rider.  By far, the first was the most horrible.  There I stood in the blistering rain.  So intense was it that I could barely see five steps ahead of me.  A lone ninja stood at least ten steps ahead.  His head lowered so I could not see his face.  I called out to him demanding an explanation.  My heart skipped a beat when his head rose.  My father face was filled with mourning.  Even in the rain, you could see his pain.  I screamed at him for answers.  “What do you want from me?”  “What do you want me to do?”  He never answered.  With a gesture something moved behind him.  At first, I couldn’t see it and then it strode forward.  A dark horse beckoned me to ride.  Lightning struck and I awoke.

Amanojaku – Emotion Control

The second invasion of my dreams came the night before Satoshi’s death.  An indecipherable whisper in my sleep.  This wasn’t the first time I’d heard it.  However, it was the first time it had entered by force into my dreams.  What could these whispers mean?  What were they saying?  I tossed and turned all night until the whispers became an indistinguishable roar.  It was like a thousand voices which eventually woke me from my slumber. 


Nukekubi – projectile attack

On the third night, the horsemen came again.  The lightning flashed and before me in a forest clearing stood Satoshi.  He served me well; I had cursed him for failing to kill the boy leader.  Now he returns to irk my rest.  Standing there, he made a motion simulating a knife cutting across the neck.  Then, his eyes began to glow red.  It then separated from his shoulders and flew towards me with tremendous speed.  His body simply fell into a meditation position as his head assailed me.  With razor sharp teeth it struck my jugular.  I awoke screaming.  Satoshi…

Shiryo – Sword Master

My own ninja assaulted me in the next dream.  It was the young ninja who lost his arm and life in my employ.  After the riders and the rain, came a flash of light.  However it was not lightning, but the flash of steel meeting steel.  The one armed shinobi that I trained was trying to kill me.  I held him off well, but suddenly I was flanked by another swordsman.  He looked exactly like the Shukai fighter, but with the clothing and markings of the Mashasaki.  Both men had one arm each.  Together they worked as one to overwhelm me.  A graceful symphony of fighting.  A waltz that would end in my death. 

Gashadokuro – Natural Weaponry

The war had created many casualties.  In the next dream, I was the gravedigger of those martyrs burying the bones of the dead.  I tried to hide the forgotten lies, my sins.  With a final heave I completed the task and packed the dirt tight.  Centuries of conflict beneath my feet.  Then, the ground shook.  The Earth cracked.  From the mound of ancient history a giant arose.  Twice the size of a normal man, a skeletal figure shook himself free of his prison.  I tried to run…to escape, but with a mighty swipe he lifted me off the ground.  With a crunch, he bit me in two.  Another night…another nightmare.

Kamaitachi – Slicing attack

The final dream.  A painful night.  I was being chased through our encampment.  Pursued by a nimble assassin.  He wore a mask like that of a weasel.  Instead of hands he had blades like a mantis.  I ran.  It didn’t matter.  He swooped in and out of the woods.  Taking chunks out of me as he attacked.  For every swipe, I saw a life that had died in my employ.  Eventually I awoke with not a scratch on my body.  However the pain still resonates today.

There was no seventh dream.  At least not while I slept.  On May 29th 1126, they came to our camp.  The living nightmares visited Shukai.  Since then my spies have reported of Hanako’s death.  They also reported that the Mushasaki were being slaughtered.  As much as I wanted it, I had no joy anymore.  “What of the boy?”  I asked them.  “He leaves from Botataka to encounter the slayers.  He is stronger and filled with hate.  He is aware of the death of Hanako.” They told me.  Soon, my prayers will be answered.  But by who?  I cursed the heavens for years, yet prayed blindly for vengeance.  I see the irony. 

Last night I dreamt of the riders again…returning to Shukai.  With them was an eighth horse.  It had no rider…

I really dont know what to tell you. I enjoyed it very much, all the way through

If I were to give you any advice it would be..

1. Beef up the power descriptions a bit more

2. I think you overused the grass analogy a bit. Try replacing it with a different analogy now and then.

3. I would go into more detail about why he wishes to kill the mashasaki


That's about it... mellow.gif

Hmmm. Okay. That's pretty simple stuff. Does it make sense? Is it a worthy foe?

It makes sense, but it might just be because I wrote Mashasaki.

I think its a worthy foe for Mashasaki, maybe a bit too worthy.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 10 2008, 08:21 PM
I don't think it will exist well without your character though. Oh well. We'll see.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 10 2008, 08:24 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 08:21 PM)
I don't think it will exist well without your character though. Oh well. We'll see.

Eh. I really think that this character is going to help both of us. Just so long as the big guns don't suddenly submit a dozen characters we should be ok.

Posted by: darkender Dec 10 2008, 08:38 PM
I finally got a charcter in!! Baby Bungee its trech's art so its awesome.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 10 2008, 08:40 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 10 2008, 08:38 PM)
I finally got a charcter in!! Baby Bungee its trech's art so its awesome.

I SAW IT! biggrin.gif

Haven't read the whole thing though... Still, it's good to see you competing.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 10 2008, 09:03 PM
Yay!! Baby Bungee!! I feel like it's my own child out there. Go get em, ya big ugly baby!!

Posted by: darkender Dec 10 2008, 09:04 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 10 2008, 08:40 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 10 2008, 08:38 PM)
I finally got a charcter in!! Baby Bungee its trech's art so its awesome.

I SAW IT! biggrin.gif

Haven't read the whole thing though... Still, it's good to see you competing.

Thnks, I hope he doesn't get taken out too quick. I plan on writing more...

Posted by: darkender Dec 10 2008, 09:05 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 09:03 PM)
Yay!! Baby Bungee!! I feel like it's my own child out there. Go get em, ya big ugly baby!!

sad.gif He's not ugly he's unique.

lol and you drew him!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 10 2008, 10:50 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 10 2008, 09:05 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 09:03 PM)
Yay!!  Baby Bungee!!  I feel like it's my own child out there.  Go get em, ya big ugly baby!!

sad.gif He's not ugly he's unique.

lol and you drew him!

Last I saw, you guys were tied.

Posted by: darkender Dec 10 2008, 11:11 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 10:50 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 10 2008, 09:05 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 09:03 PM)
Yay!!  Baby Bungee!!  I feel like it's my own child out there.  Go get em, ya big ugly baby!!

sad.gif He's not ugly he's unique.

lol and you drew him!

Last I saw, you guys were tied.

I would be really happy if he won his first fight... dry.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 01:52 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 10 2008, 05:13 AM)
The finished piece. I think this is my best one yet. Hope you guys don't mind reading? By the way, each of the names of the powers for this character can be wiki'd for further info. All the powers are standard except Necromancer. That's Ultimate.

The Seven Demons of Shukai

They say history is written by the victor. Therefore, I have recorded my actions towards the Mashasaki. But now as I feel the cold hand of death creep towards me; I record so someone will know what happened to me. To my clan. As those dark riders return; I record so others won’t make the same mistakes I made. This is the journal of a dead man…

[Translated from Japanese]

April 24, 1126

For years the Mashasaki have been the enemy of the Shukai. Even in times of supposed peace, our battle continued. My father was killed in those peace times. Why? It doesn’t really matter anymore. It never did. The Mashasaki are a plague. Blight on the social order. I wish them all death and I have vowed to expunge them from history through any means necessary. So for almost seven years, I have cursed the Mashasaki. I pray to no god. So, I’ve thrown my appeals to whatever deity would listen. If they do not hear me, so be it. I will destroy the Mashasaki myself.

For a long time I have planned, planting grass (spies) in the Mashasaki clan. My ninja grass has been living amongst them for decades now. Learning their ways. Assimilating their culture and studying exactly how to kill them from the inside out. Today is no different. Today, they have brought me good news. That boy, the killer of my father has now become the head of the clan. Now, I will become his downfall. My grass will sow seeds of discourse throughout the clan. It is time for my grass to grow and choke away the weeds.

April 26, 1126

Success! My plans are moving without fail. My grass spies have networked throughout the clan. Spreading disharmony and lies about that worthless boy. His entire clan is starting to believe his ancestry to be the cause of the turmoil within them. This will be his gutless fathers reward. His entire lineages reward.

…….

In the middle of the night….what disturbing dreams? My father. What was he trying to tell me? Why? I must rest. There is much to be done tomorrow.

April 30, 1126

It has been brought to my attention that the boy’s female companion is with child. The child cannot be allowed to live. There will be no inheritance to the clan. My men watched her train before. Her body moved gracefully. Her sword was true of a kunoichi, but with child she is useless. Both of them were mighty swordsmen, but tomorrow my grass will smother those tangled weeds.

…….

In the night again, I’ve never had such nightmarish dreams before. I must reflect on these later.

April 31, 1126

Pathetic! Weak Grass. They have been sitting idle too long. Their swords aren’t as swift. Their skills aren’t attuned to war anymore. Today once again, one of my men, Satoshi has tried to take the life of the boy. He lost his head. I can’t even sneak a killing during his morning deliberations. I must find stronger warriors for this battle. Curse the ground he walks on. Tonight, I will pray for his death again. Surely, someone must hear me. Can heaven itself not grant me justice? Then who? Who must I pray too?

In spite of this, friction will be sown by my grass with this attack. The boy will think one of his own men have tried to kill him. He will trust no one. My plan still holds true. Destruction from within.

…….

My nights are haunted. Seven men shrouded in darkness riding on horses. They ride to Shukai. Surely, it is some form of omen.

May 3rd, 1126

Centuries ago, the Shukai were the strongest clan in Japan. Our numbers swelled and our notoriety grew as well. But there was disarray in the ranks. The Mashasaki family. What hell spawned them? Even in the beginnings, they were a nuisance. They sought to break away from the Shukai. Now look at them. A civil war has spread throughout their kinfolk. The grass has done well overall. Though they have not killed the boy; they have created conspiracy causing the clan to split. With the civil war in full effect, the grass’ job is finished. We have even recruited many Mashasaki to our side. They will be rewarded when they return home.

My next plan of action was the assassins. Entering the clan as Mashasaki shinobi, they killed unhindered. Acting like rebels for both sides of the war, one of them actually met with the young leader. My ninja lost his arm in that short confrontation. He returned home and died of blood loss shortly after. I was told me of the look in the boy leaders eyes. Thinking he killed his own men broke him. Foolish child. He is just that…a child. He is bewildered. Not ready for war. Confused and soon broken. Now, we must take what he loves most. Her name is Hanako.

…….

Curse the gods. Why do these demon riders haunt me? Another night and surely I will go insane. They come closer and closer during the hours of darkness. What do they want from me? I must know…

May 7th, 1126

Grand victory! Though my nights haunt me, my days are splendid. From the comfort of my home, I am made aware of the destruction of Mashasaki by my faithful emissaries. The Mashasaki has all but fallen and today I receive great news. The child leader is now leaving for Botataka. He has left his most prized possession alone. Surely he has hidden her away to avoid the war. My men know every corner of their territory. We will find her. The Mashasaki lineage will be vanquished once and for all.

…….

I’d rather not go into detail about these visions in the night at this time. They will not disrupt my plans.

May 14th, 1126

My men have followed the child for a full week. He is far away from home now. It is time. Today, I send in assassins to find and kill the girl.

……

In the night I fear. Never before have I known such dread. I cannot sleep.

May 23rd, 1126

The child leader has made it to Botataka. My men have scoured his homeland and have found no signs of the girl. They tell me that he spent the day training. I must send another party out soon before he returns for the girl.

May 29th, 1126

My men have failed again. Where is the girl? What must I do to secure my victory? Blast my fate! Tonight, I will offer up the soul of every man and woman of Shukai for vengeance!

Personality:

June 1st, 1126

It has been days since that night. I’m sure the boy leader will die and then… It took me a few days to write this, but I must finally chronicle that night. This may be the last time I write.

For seven years, I recklessly threw my prayers to the wind. I should’ve known. A godless man would only receive godless answers to his appeals. That night, seven horsemen stood before our clan. Every able bodied man we had came to meet them in arms. Our clan was hidden, yet they found us. Our watchmen were faultless, yet here they stand. I hoped the clan could not see it in my eyes…fear. These riders were not ordinary men. My dreams now seem to haunt me in the waking world. What have I done?

Powers:

Yôkai – Martial Supremacy


Although my heart trembled, I dare not cower before my men. So I spoke, “Explain your presence or face the swords of Shukai!” I knew who these men were. They had plagued my nights. The rider in front unmasked. My clan gasped at the face of the rider. My dead father returned. He looked at me. His eyes burst into tears. When he cried, the rain began to fall. In grief he spoke, “Tomorrow, the Mashasaki will fall.” My men cheered as they thought my father had returned to lead them. I knew better. I couldn’t speak, so I nodded in approval and the horsemen rode into the downpour. Now, I should reveal the identities of the riders. My nightmares come to life…

Goryo – Weather Control

The dreams were always preceded by seven horsemen riding through a storm. Then a flash of blinding lightning and the nightmare would begin. Each night, I would meet a rider. By far, the first was the most horrible. There I stood in the blistering rain. So intense was it that I could barely see five steps ahead of me. A lone ninja stood at least ten steps ahead. His head lowered so I could not see his face. I called out to him demanding an explanation. My heart skipped a beat when his head rose. My father face was filled with mourning. Even in the rain, you could see his pain. I screamed at him for answers. “What do you want from me?” “What do you want me to do?” He never answered. With a gesture something moved behind him. At first, I couldn’t see it and then it strode forward. A dark horse beckoned me to ride. Lightning struck and I awoke.

Amanojaku – Emotion Control

The second invasion of my dreams came the night before Satoshi’s death. An indecipherable whisper in my sleep. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. However, it was the first time it had entered by force into my dreams. What could these whispers mean? What were they saying? I tossed and turned all night until the whispers became an indistinguishable roar. It was like a thousand voices which eventually woke me from my slumber.


Nukekubi – projectile attack

On the third night, the horsemen came again. The lightning flashed and before me in a forest clearing stood Satoshi. He served me well; I had cursed him for failing to kill the boy leader. Now he returns to irk my rest. Standing there, he made a motion simulating a knife cutting across the neck. Then, his eyes began to glow red. It then separated from his shoulders and flew towards me with tremendous speed. His body simply fell into a meditation position as his head assailed me. With razor sharp teeth it struck my jugular. I awoke screaming. Satoshi…

Shiryo – Sword Master

My own ninja assaulted me in the next dream. It was the young ninja who lost his arm and life in my employ. After the riders and the rain, came a flash of light. However it was not lightning, but the flash of steel meeting steel. The one armed shinobi that I trained was trying to kill me. I held him off well, but suddenly I was flanked by another swordsman. He looked exactly like the Shukai fighter, but with the clothing and markings of the Mashasaki. Both men had one arm each. Together they worked as one to overwhelm me. A graceful symphony of fighting. A waltz that would end in my death.

Gashadokuro – Natural Weaponry

The war had created many casualties. In the next dream, I was the gravedigger of those martyrs burying the bones of the dead. I tried to hide the forgotten lies, my sins. With a final heave I completed the task and packed the dirt tight. Centuries of conflict beneath my feet. Then, the ground shook. The Earth cracked. From the mound of ancient history a giant arose. Twice the size of a normal man, a skeletal figure shook himself free of his prison. I tried to run…to escape, but with a mighty swipe he lifted me off the ground. With a crunch, he bit me in two. Another night…another nightmare.

Kamaitachi – Slicing attack

The final dream. A painful night. I was being chased through our encampment. Pursued by a nimble assassin. He wore a mask like that of a weasel. Instead of hands he had blades like a mantis. I ran. It didn’t matter. He swooped in and out of the woods. Taking chunks out of me as he attacked. For every swipe, I saw a life that had died in my employ. Eventually I awoke with not a scratch on my body. However the pain still resonates today.

There was no seventh dream. At least not while I slept. On May 29th 1126, they came to our camp. The living nightmares visited Shukai. Since then my spies have reported of Hanako’s death. They also reported that the Mushasaki were being slaughtered. As much as I wanted it, I had no joy anymore. “What of the boy?” I asked them. “He leaves from Botataka to encounter the slayers. He is stronger and filled with hate. He is aware of the death of Hanako.” They told me. Soon, my prayers will be answered. But by who? I cursed the heavens for years, yet prayed blindly for vengeance. I see the irony.

Last night I dreamt of the riders again…returning to Shukai. With them was an eighth horse. It had no rider…

Ok, I only had two things that stuck out that I thought could be fixed, and that was being EXTREMELY nit picky.

"Thinking he killed his own men broke him. Foolish child. He is just that…a child. He is bewildered. Not ready for war. Confused and soon broken."

I thought that broke and broken in consecutive sentences sounded a little repititous.

"Then, his eyes began to glow red. It then separated from his shoulders and flew towards me with tremendous speed."

Another repitition of words that sounded awkward.

That is all I could find for you treach. I think it's a brilliant masterpiece that complaments Wolvies Mashasaki stroy perfectly.

I'm envious. I'm really going to have to pick it up a notch...

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 11 2008, 02:21 AM
Well here's some more of my new character. The problem is I'm not sure where to go from here.






Blackened skies obscured the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the darkened sky.
The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks. Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds. As I lay there I could hear the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer. I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg.
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than water. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw down my canister, and pried the bullet from his life less hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle.
They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stragglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the faint crackle of gravel crunching as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Rational thought had gotten me into this situation, and I was counting on pure animal instinct to get me out. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stabbed him right in his side. I took a minute it to breathe. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of a move that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tails between their legs.
After that battle, I just wanted to go home. I was tired of fighting. Tired of the smell of rotting corpses, sleeping on blood stained cots, and having blood splatter all over me. I was tired of being shot at, running through sewers like I was a rat, and eating the slop they called food. I was ready to go home. Lucky for me my tour ended in a week.
For the next seven days I spent most of my time in my tent away from the other soldiers. I liked being alone, always have. My unit was just a bunch of stuck up slobs too, the kind that smiled through their teeth before they stabbed you in the back. They were all low life cowards who would sooner throw their hands up than actually fight.
However, there was one thing I was gonna miss, the thrill of a good kill. You could say that it kept the blood flowin’. The harder it was to kill the more I enjoyed it. Sitting behind a wall 20 feet away, and killing people with just one shot was just not only cowardly but, it didn’t give me the same rush as a good hunt. In fact, that’s the only reason I joined in on this war. I wanted a good kill. I wanted a kill that would challenge my skills, and leave me with an inch of my life. It didn’t matter who I killed just so long as I could get that satisfaction of ending someone’s life. Heck, I would have joined the Germans if I had the choice. I felt very at home with war. I mean not only do you get to kill, but people praise you for being patriotic too.
Well, I’d been over here for about 2 years, and was tired of the bull I got from the higher ups. That’s probably my most profound reason for leaving. I never did like someone telling me what to do, especially how to kill somebody. It just comes natural for me, don’t freakin’ tell me how to do it you washed up piece of filth. Yeah, pretty soon I was gonna leave all this crap behind, and go back home.
It was my last night, before I was to be deported. It was a cool night; you could just barely make out a small glimpse of the moon, through the layers of fog. Dew had already begun to form on the grass. It was a very still night, the kind where the world seemed to stop moving for a moment. I had spent most of the night smokin’ my pipe in the tent. They were serving us dinner around that time, but I didn’t much care for that indigestible slop they mistook for food.
I had been puffin’ for about an hour, and the smoke had started to build up a bit, and it was getting hard to see. My vision had started to get fuzzy, and my mind started to wonder. A feeling of relaxation, and joy began to wash over me, as I swayed slightly.
I didn’t have time to react to what happened next. At the time it was just a random blur of colors, feelings, emotions, and then nothing. Seems like each time I play it over in mind, it comes out a different way. So to tell it to you now would be pointless. To put it simply, and accurately in a flash about 6 soldiers came in, stuck a needle into my arm, and I faded into darkness. Like I said before the details seem to alter themselves every time I try to replay the event in my mind, so I wont waste your time.
When I awoken I found myself strapped to a metal chair, lying flat on my back staring straight into bright light. My eyes winced at the ominous glow, as I quickly looked away. You wouldn’t believe the amount of tubes, and needles they had going through my body, doin’ who knows what. They must have been in for a while because around each needle, was a dark purple ring in my skin. For the first time I heard a voice, it was like a wild tiger grinding its claws on sand paper, “How are you feeling Mr. Stone.” My eyes darted in my head looking for the source. I looked up in time to see a figure eclipsing the bright light from view. In my stupor I could barely make out a faint figure standing over me with a needle in one hand. As my eyes slowly came into focus, I began to make out the details of my prisoner. He was wearing a white mask to cover his face, his lab coat was tightly wrapped around his body, and his glasses…to this day six decades later I still remember those glasses. You couldn’t see his eyes, staring into his lenses was like staring into an endless white pit. Now I’d never been afraid of much, and this time was no exception. I did feel uneasy though. This man, if that’s what you could call it, gave me a feeling deep down inside that to this day I can’t describe. I felt…I felt cold inside, like a shadow had passed over my heart. If it wasn’t for this new found emotion, I might have escaped in time. What happened next would define who I was for years to come.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 02:58 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 11 2008, 02:21 AM)
Well here's some more of my new character. The problem is I'm not sure where to go from here.






Blackened skies obscured the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the darkened sky.
The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks. Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds. As I lay there I could hear the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer. I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg.
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than water. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw down my canister, and pried the bullet from his life less hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle.
They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stragglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the faint crackle of gravel crunching as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Rational thought had gotten me into this situation, and I was counting on pure animal instinct to get me out. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stabbed him right in his side. I took a minute it to breathe. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of a move that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tails between their legs.
After that battle, I just wanted to go home. I was tired of fighting. Tired of the smell of rotting corpses, sleeping on blood stained cots, and having blood splatter all over me. I was tired of being shot at, running through sewers like I was a rat, and eating the slop they called food. I was ready to go home. Lucky for me my tour ended in a week.
For the next seven days I spent most of my time in my tent away from the other soldiers. I liked being alone, always have. My unit was just a bunch of stuck up slobs too, the kind that smiled through their teeth before they stabbed you in the back. They were all low life cowards who would sooner throw their hands up than actually fight.
However, there was one thing I was gonna miss, the thrill of a good kill. You could say that it kept the blood flowin’. The harder it was to kill the more I enjoyed it. Sitting behind a wall 20 feet away, and killing people with just one shot was just not only cowardly but, it didn’t give me the same rush as a good hunt. In fact, that’s the only reason I joined in on this war. I wanted a good kill. I wanted a kill that would challenge my skills, and leave me with an inch of my life. It didn’t matter who I killed just so long as I could get that satisfaction of ending someone’s life. Heck, I would have joined the Germans if I had the choice. I felt very at home with war. I mean not only do you get to kill, but people praise you for being patriotic too.
Well, I’d been over here for about 2 years, and was tired of the bull I got from the higher ups. That’s probably my most profound reason for leaving. I never did like someone telling me what to do, especially how to kill somebody. It just comes natural for me, don’t freakin’ tell me how to do it you washed up piece of filth. Yeah, pretty soon I was gonna leave all this crap behind, and go back home.
It was my last night, before I was to be deported. It was a cool night; you could just barely make out a small glimpse of the moon, through the layers of fog. Dew had already begun to form on the grass. It was a very still night, the kind where the world seemed to stop moving for a moment. I had spent most of the night smokin’ my pipe in the tent. They were serving us dinner around that time, but I didn’t much care for that indigestible slop they mistook for food.
I had been puffin’ for about an hour, and the smoke had started to build up a bit, and it was getting hard to see. My vision had started to get fuzzy, and my mind started to wonder. A feeling of relaxation, and joy began to wash over me, as I swayed slightly.
I didn’t have time to react to what happened next. At the time it was just a random blur of colors, feelings, emotions, and then nothing. Seems like each time I play it over in mind, it comes out a different way. So to tell it to you now would be pointless. To put it simply, and accurately in a flash about 6 soldiers came in, stuck a needle into my arm, and I faded into darkness. Like I said before the details seem to alter themselves every time I try to replay the event in my mind, so I wont waste your time.
When I awoken I found myself strapped to a metal chair, lying flat on my back staring straight into bright light. My eyes winced at the ominous glow, as I quickly looked away. You wouldn’t believe the amount of tubes, and needles they had going through my body, doin’ who knows what. They must have been in for a while because around each needle, was a dark purple ring in my skin. For the first time I heard a voice, it was like a wild tiger grinding its claws on sand paper, “How are you feeling Mr. Stone.” My eyes darted in my head looking for the source. I looked up in time to see a figure eclipsing the bright light from view. In my stupor I could barely make out a faint figure standing over me with a needle in one hand. As my eyes slowly came into focus, I began to make out the details of my prisoner. He was wearing a white mask to cover his face, his lab coat was tightly wrapped around his body, and his glasses…to this day six decades later I still remember those glasses. You couldn’t see his eyes, staring into his lenses was like staring into an endless white pit. Now I’d never been afraid of much, and this time was no exception. I did feel uneasy though. This man, if that’s what you could call it, gave me a feeling deep down inside that to this day I can’t describe. I felt…I felt cold inside, like a shadow had passed over my heart. If it wasn’t for this new found emotion, I might have escaped in time. What happened next would define who I was for years to come.

Here's my critique...

"As I lay there I could hear the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake."

Ear canal sounds... wierd right there for some reason. The mixture of a burning match and a snake thing I didn't understand at all.

"Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet."

Sounds odd. Perhaps something like "Right there, in his freaking hand was a bullet."

"They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard."

The comma isn't needed there. It would flow better without it.

"We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road."

Once again, no need of a comma.

"I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s."

I understood the sentence, but I had to read it twice to understand it. I would concider revising.

"However, there was one thing I was gonna miss, the thrill of a good kill. You could say that it kept the blood flowin’. The harder it was to kill the more I enjoyed it. Sitting behind a wall 20 feet away, and killing people with just one shot was just not only cowardly but, it didn’t give me the same rush as a good hunt. In fact, that’s the only reason I joined in on this war. I wanted a good kill. I wanted a kill that would challenge my skills, and leave me with an inch of my life. It didn’t matter who I killed just so long as I could get that satisfaction of ending someone’s life. Heck, I would have joined the Germans if I had the choice. I felt very at home with war. I mean not only do you get to kill, but people praise you for being patriotic too."

I thought the use of the word "Kill/killed" was very much over used in this paragraph.

I was going to continue to point out comma mistakes, but there were a lot. I would suggest that you look through and get rid of any un-needed comma's.

There, it was kinda nit picky, but I know you like that. I hope this helps out.

I must say, this character is highly entertaining with minor work needed. I think this character has more of a human feel to it than do most characters that I've read on FPL. Good luck with this one and I hope you go far!

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 11 2008, 03:19 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 11 2008, 02:58 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 11 2008, 02:21 AM)
Well here's some more of my new character. The problem is I'm not sure where to go from here.






Blackened skies obscured the once pale blue sky from view. The constant pounding of explosions reverberated through my eardrums, and sent a sensation of fear through my heart. I was lying flat on my back, looking straight up into the darkened sky.
The Nazis had pushed us back a good mile, now we were sitting ducks.  Our only protection was the massive chunks of building, and scraps of steel that had been scattered throughout the battlegrounds. As I lay there I could hear the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake. You don’t know how bad I wanted to just blow them all to smithereens, but I had run out of ammo hours ago.
  I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself by focusing on the sound of my breathing, but with each breath I took the pounding of the Germans black boots came closer.  I’m not really sure why, but I checked my rifle one more time to make sure there wasn’t a lone bullet lodged in the barrel. Nothing. They were coming closer, and closer. No doubt about it I was gonna die; because I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender.
I looked around in desperation, trying to find something I could use to fight back. Luck had run out on me again, nothing could be found in the massive chunks of rubble. Well, I pretty much gave up, and looked over to my buddy Fred. Fred didn’t look much different now that he was dead, except that he had a gaping hole in the side of his neck.
People tell me all the time how a dead person gets pale when they die, not Fred. Fred’s face was a deep purple, and his veins were bulging from his forehead. I was right next to him when it happened. He had taken a shot from a German Sniper, faster than I could blink. People don’t realize how quickly things happen until they’ve fought in a war. One minute, were talking’ about drinking whiskey back home in Louisiana, and the next he’s bleeding on my leg. 
I took a look down at my canteen, there was still a bit of water left, if you could call it that. It was so cloudy that it was probably more dirt, and smoke than water. I held the canteen towards Fred, and said, “See you in--,” my words were cut off.
I looked down at his hand again. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet. Without another thought I threw down my canister, and pried the bullet from his life less hands. I sat up, and put my back up against the wall, trying to guess where the Germans were, as I loaded my rifle.
They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard. We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road. They hit us fast too. We barely had time to load our guns before they sent us heading for the hills. Now they were advancing, picking off any stragglers, and in just a few minutes they’d take us too.
Like I said before, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna surrender, it wasn’t in my blood. I pressed my ear up against the chunk of cement, waiting for something to give away their position. I barely heard it. It was the faint crackle of gravel crunching as the Germans walked over it. In a surge of adrenaline, I bolted up, and blasted one right in the middle of eyes. I wasn’t thinking. Rational thought had gotten me into this situation, and I was counting on pure animal instinct to get me out. I leapt over that piece of building faster than I could have ever dreamed. I ran straight towards two Germans who were still fondling their guns trying to load them. With a yell I jumped up and close lined them. They tried to fight back, but I’m telling you I could’ve killed a damn elephant that day. One of them had a knife on them, with one motion I took it, gutted his friend, and stabbed him right in his side.  I took a minute it to breathe. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how bone-headed of a move that was. I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s. I saw one comin’ straight towards me, his rifle was raised and he was yellin’ somethin’ awful. Remember how I said when your in a war everything seems to be on fast forward? Well, the next minute he was flat on his back, with blood pouring out of his chest. I looked behind me; the other soldiers had suddenly burst from their hiding places. They were like ants in army clothes. That one shot… that one bullet had shifted the tides of the battle, and to make a long story short we sent them back with their tails between their legs.
After that battle, I just wanted to go home. I was tired of fighting. Tired of the smell of rotting corpses, sleeping on blood stained cots, and having blood splatter all over me. I was tired of being shot at, running through sewers like I was a rat, and eating the slop they called food. I was ready to go home. Lucky for me my tour ended in a week. 
For the next seven days I spent most of my time in my tent away from the other soldiers. I liked being alone, always have. My unit was just a bunch of stuck up slobs too, the kind that smiled through their teeth before they stabbed you in the back. They were all low life cowards who would sooner throw their hands up than actually fight.
However, there was one thing I was gonna miss, the thrill of a good kill. You could say that it kept the blood flowin’.  The harder it was to kill the more I enjoyed it. Sitting behind a wall 20 feet away, and killing people with just one shot was just not only cowardly but, it didn’t give me the same rush as a good hunt. In fact, that’s the only reason I joined in on this war. I wanted a good kill. I wanted a kill that would challenge my skills, and leave me with an inch of my life. It didn’t matter who I killed just so long as I could get that satisfaction of ending someone’s life. Heck, I would have joined the Germans if I had the choice. I felt very at home with war. I mean not only do you get to kill, but people praise you for being patriotic too.
Well, I’d been over here for about 2 years, and was tired of the bull I got from the higher ups. That’s probably my most profound reason for leaving. I never did like someone telling me what to do, especially how to kill somebody. It just comes natural for me, don’t freakin’ tell me how to do it you washed up piece of filth. Yeah, pretty soon I was gonna leave all this crap behind, and go back home.
It was my last night, before I was to be deported. It was a cool night; you could just barely make out a small glimpse of the moon, through the layers of fog. Dew had already begun to form on the grass. It was a very still night, the kind where the world seemed to stop moving for a moment.  I had spent most of the night smokin’ my pipe in the tent. They were serving us dinner around that time, but I didn’t much care for that indigestible slop they mistook for food.
I had been puffin’ for about an hour, and the smoke had started to build up a bit, and it was getting hard to see. My vision had started to get fuzzy, and my mind started to wonder. A feeling of relaxation, and joy began to wash over me, as I swayed slightly.
I didn’t have time to react to what happened next. At the time it was just a random blur of colors, feelings, emotions, and then nothing. Seems like each time I play it over in mind, it comes out a different way. So to tell it to you now would be pointless. To put it simply, and accurately in a flash about 6 soldiers came in, stuck a needle into my arm, and I faded into darkness. Like I said before the details seem to alter themselves every time I try to replay the event in my mind, so I wont waste your time.
When I awoken I found myself strapped to a metal chair, lying flat on my back staring straight into bright light. My eyes winced at the ominous glow, as I quickly looked away. You wouldn’t believe the amount of tubes, and needles they had going through my body, doin’ who knows what. They must have been in for a while because around each needle, was a dark purple ring in my skin. For the first time I heard a voice, it was like a wild tiger grinding its claws on sand paper, “How are you feeling Mr. Stone.” My eyes darted in my head looking for the source. I looked up in time to see a figure eclipsing the bright light from view. In my stupor I could barely make out a faint figure standing over me with a needle in one hand. As my eyes slowly came into focus, I began to make out the details of my prisoner. He was wearing a white mask to cover his face, his lab coat was tightly wrapped around his body, and his glasses…to this day six decades later I still remember those glasses. You couldn’t see his eyes, staring into his lenses was like staring into an endless white pit. Now I’d never been afraid of much, and this time was no exception. I did feel uneasy though. This man, if that’s what you could call it, gave me a feeling deep down inside that to this day I can’t describe. I felt…I felt cold inside, like a shadow had passed over my heart. If it wasn’t for this new found emotion, I might have escaped in time. What happened next would define who I was for years to come.

Here's my critique...

"As I lay there I could hear the Germans, the sounds of their voices went through my ear canal like a strange mixture of a burning match, and a snake."

Ear canal sounds... wierd right there for some reason. The mixture of a burning match and a snake thing I didn't understand at all.

"Right there, right in his freaking hand was a bullet."

Sounds odd. Perhaps something like "Right there, in his freaking hand was a bullet."

"They’d hit us, from long range, which as you may have noticed caught us off guard."

The comma isn't needed there. It would flow better without it.

"We weren’t even expecting a battle, until 9 or 10 miles down the road."

Once again, no need of a comma.

"I must of looked like a pig right before a farmer slaughtered it to the Nazi’s."

I understood the sentence, but I had to read it twice to understand it. I would concider revising.

"However, there was one thing I was gonna miss, the thrill of a good kill. You could say that it kept the blood flowin’. The harder it was to kill the more I enjoyed it. Sitting behind a wall 20 feet away, and killing people with just one shot was just not only cowardly but, it didn’t give me the same rush as a good hunt. In fact, that’s the only reason I joined in on this war. I wanted a good kill. I wanted a kill that would challenge my skills, and leave me with an inch of my life. It didn’t matter who I killed just so long as I could get that satisfaction of ending someone’s life. Heck, I would have joined the Germans if I had the choice. I felt very at home with war. I mean not only do you get to kill, but people praise you for being patriotic too."

I thought the use of the word "Kill/killed" was very much over used in this paragraph.

I was going to continue to point out comma mistakes, but there were a lot. I would suggest that you look through and get rid of any un-needed comma's.

There, it was kinda nit picky, but I know you like that. I hope this helps out.

I must say, this character is highly entertaining with minor work needed. I think this character has more of a human feel to it than do most characters that I've read on FPL. Good luck with this one and I hope you go far!

1. I'm not even sure if this is worthy of being called a rough draft, so there are going to be a lot of grammar mistakes.

2.Hes human. So I purposely put in some of those errors, to make the character more human-like. The paragraph where I put kill 20 times was on purpose.

3. Ear canal does seem weird. The burning match, and snake thing is a bit too complicated for this character. The burning match was supposed to represent an intense pain someone feels when they hear something that makes them upset, and the snake was taken from the story of Adam, and eve. The serpent was the animal that tricked them to eat the fruit off of the tree of wisdom in the garden of Eden. So the snake stands for lies, and deceit. Mixing this with a burning match means that he is hearing sounds he doesn't wish to hear, because of the lies of men in power during that time period.

4. Regarding the pig slaughtering analogy... Yeah, I didnt really like that either. I'm planning on changing it.

Thanks for the advice Grano.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 03:27 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 11 2008, 03:19 AM)
Thanks for the advice Grano.

No problem. We help each other out right? Before you know it, Haven will be known for its great writers as well! biggrin.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 11 2008, 04:04 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 11 2008, 03:27 AM)
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 11 2008, 03:19 AM)
Thanks for the advice Grano.

No problem. We help each other out right? Before you know it, Haven will be known for its great writers as well! biggrin.gif

We hope.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 07:39 AM
How long does it take for an admin to aprove or deny a submission anyway?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 08:43 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 11 2008, 07:39 AM)
How long does it take for an admin to aprove or deny a submission anyway?

Oh, and also, how long do the matches run for? Is it 3 days like the CBUB? Longer? Shorter? Just curious...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 08:57 AM
If it reads "Lower Division [Destiny Not Attempted] Active and available", that means my character was accepted, right? I can't find him anywhere...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 10:53 AM
Nevermind. My character made it through like 8 hours later. The only question I still have is how long the matches run for. Thanks happy.gif

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 11 2008, 11:10 AM
I'm pretty sure a match takes 3 days. You probably won't see your character on the fight list for a few days though.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 11 2008, 11:48 AM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 11 2008, 11:10 AM)
I'm pretty sure a match takes 3 days. You probably won't see your character on the fight list for a few days though.

Thanks for the heads up.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 11 2008, 01:09 PM
Okay first, thanks for the once over Grano. Also, SWman answered your questions, but those times vary because sometimes the admin just aren't around to change matches or accept a character or they just don't care at that moment. The only time your character hasn't been accepted is when it is awaiting text review. Anytime after that, you can go to Characters or Gallery and search for your character. You can update your character as much as you want in Utilities as long as it's not in a match.

SWman, I can't wait to read this new one. Hopefully we can help you progress the rest of the story.

Darkender is still tied.

Posted by: darkender Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

Posted by: darkender Dec 11 2008, 06:49 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

huh.gif IDK

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 11 2008, 09:06 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 01:09 PM)
Okay first, thanks for the once over Grano. Also, SWman answered your questions, but those times vary because sometimes the admin just aren't around to change matches or accept a character or they just don't care at that moment. The only time your character hasn't been accepted is when it is awaiting text review. Anytime after that, you can go to Characters or Gallery and search for your character. You can update your character as much as you want in Utilities as long as it's not in a match.

SWman, I can't wait to read this new one. Hopefully we can help you progress the rest of the story.

Darkender is still tied.

Thanks treach, but it's really not that good yet.

Posted by: darkender Dec 11 2008, 10:11 PM
Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bungee is loseing by 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 11 2008, 11:16 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 10:11 PM)
Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bungee is loseing by 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.

Posted by: darkender Dec 11 2008, 11:19 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 11:16 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 10:11 PM)
Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bungee is loseing by 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.

sad.gif NO!!!!! dry.gif Damn...

It's ok, perhaps this will just be a motivating factor to help you improve upon your writing.

I know whenever I loose at anything, I do my best to improve and become better.

I think you've got a lot of potential and will be just fine, just stick with it and you'll win lots of matches.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 11 2008, 11:36 PM
Gahhhh! I'm losing by only one now. This is very nerve racking. Before I was loosing 7 to 3! Now it's 7 to 6. One vote just one vote!


mellow.gif

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

I'm right here. Whaddaya mean you can't see my picture?

P.S., My first FPL character:

user posted image
PET NINJA!

Posted by: darkender Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 11:19 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 11:16 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 10:11 PM)
Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bungee is loseing by 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.

sad.gif NO!!!!! dry.gif Damn...

It's ok, perhaps this will just be a motivating factor to help you improve upon your writing.

I know whenever I loose at anything, I do my best to improve and become better.

I think you've got a lot of potential and will be just fine, just stick with it and you'll win lots of matches.

Who edited my post...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 12 2008, 12:28 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 11:19 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 11:16 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 10:11 PM)
Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bungee is loseing by 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.

sad.gif NO!!!!! dry.gif Damn...

It's ok, perhaps this will just be a motivating factor to help you improve upon your writing.

I know whenever I loose at anything, I do my best to improve and become better.

I think you've got a lot of potential and will be just fine, just stick with it and you'll win lots of matches.

Who edited my post...

Ooops. I guess I accidently hit edit instead of post. My bad. sad.gif

Posted by: darkender Dec 12 2008, 12:29 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 12 2008, 12:28 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 11:19 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 11:16 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 10:11 PM)
Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby Bungee is loseing by 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.

sad.gif NO!!!!! dry.gif Damn...

It's ok, perhaps this will just be a motivating factor to help you improve upon your writing.

I know whenever I loose at anything, I do my best to improve and become better.

I think you've got a lot of potential and will be just fine, just stick with it and you'll win lots of matches.

Who edited my post...

Ooops. I guess I accidently hit edit instead of post. My bad. sad.gif

No prob. I just wanted to kno who tried to quote me.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 12 2008, 01:27 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

I'm right here. Whaddaya mean you can't see my picture?

P.S., My first FPL character:

user posted image
PET NINJA!

Am I the only one that sees this broken image?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 12 2008, 03:05 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 12 2008, 01:27 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

I'm right here. Whaddaya mean you can't see my picture?

P.S., My first FPL character:

user posted image
PET NINJA!

Am I the only one that sees this broken image?

No, I see it too.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Dec 12 2008, 04:52 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 12 2008, 11:05 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 12 2008, 01:27 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

I'm right here. Whaddaya mean you can't see my picture?

P.S., My first FPL character:

user posted image
PET NINJA!

Am I the only one that sees this broken image?

No, I see it too.

Image is fine 4 me.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 12 2008, 07:54 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Dec 12 2008, 04:52 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 12 2008, 11:05 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 12 2008, 01:27 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 11 2008, 11:37 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 11 2008, 05:31 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 11 2008, 03:47 PM)
LOL all of haven is gonna be in there!

Good. What happened to Canus' picture? What happened to Canus?

I'm right here. Whaddaya mean you can't see my picture?

P.S., My first FPL character:

user posted image
PET NINJA!

Am I the only one that sees this broken image?

No, I see it too.

Image is fine 4 me.

I dont see anything either.

Posted by: darkender Dec 12 2008, 08:49 PM
I'm blind!

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 12 2008, 08:50 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 12 2008, 08:49 PM)
I'm blind!

Apparently we're all blind.

Posted by: darkender Dec 12 2008, 09:06 PM
QUOTE (super_wolverine_Man @ Dec 12 2008, 08:50 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 12 2008, 08:49 PM)
I'm blind!

Apparently we're all blind.

Oh no...

Posted by: treacherous Dec 13 2008, 06:04 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 11 2008, 10:53 AM)
Nevermind. My character made it through like 8 hours later. The only question I still have is how long the matches run for. Thanks happy.gif

Grano, I bet anything they are going to put your character against one of us Havenites. Probably me.

Posted by: darkender Dec 13 2008, 06:08 AM
I loseing 7-9 !!!!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 13 2008, 06:46 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 13 2008, 06:08 AM)
I loseing 7-9 !!!!

I'd say the fights are about done. I don't think they are going to get anymore votes. Not horrible Darkender. SWman held his own against a character that I think will make it far.

Posted by: super_wolverine_Man Dec 13 2008, 01:51 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 13 2008, 06:46 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 13 2008, 06:08 AM)
I loseing  7-9 !!!!

I'd say the fights are about done. I don't think they are going to get anymore votes. Not horrible Darkender. SWman held his own against a character that I think will make it far.

Yeah, still I'm slightly disappointed.

Posted by: darkender Dec 13 2008, 11:29 PM
We both lost by two... dry.gif angry.gif

Posted by: Super_Wolverine_Man Dec 14 2008, 03:07 AM
well the new matches are up. I think its kind of funny that they keep putting me up against Sir Exal.

Posted by: darkender Dec 14 2008, 05:29 AM
QUOTE (Super_Wolverine_Man @ Dec 14 2008, 03:07 AM)
well the new matches are up. I think its kind of funny that they keep putting me up against Sir Exal.

lol that stinks

Posted by: Super_Wolverine_Man Dec 14 2008, 02:02 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 14 2008, 05:29 AM)
QUOTE (Super_Wolverine_Man @ Dec 14 2008, 03:07 AM)
well the new matches are up. I think its kind of funny that they keep putting me up against Sir Exal.

lol that stinks

Kind of unsure.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 14 2008, 02:48 PM
None of us have fights against each other. I was hoping to battle the Mashasaki. It's fate.

Posted by: Super_Wolverine_Man Dec 14 2008, 03:50 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 14 2008, 02:48 PM)
None of us have fights against each other. I was hoping to battle the Mashasaki. It's fate.

angry.gif You killed my wife!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 14 2008, 04:05 PM
QUOTE (Super_Wolverine_Man @ Dec 14 2008, 03:50 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 14 2008, 02:48 PM)
None of us have fights against each other.  I was hoping to battle the Mashasaki.  It's fate.

angry.gif You killed my wife!

Yes, but I shall suffer for eternity for it.

Posted by: Super_Wolverine_Man Dec 14 2008, 04:41 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 14 2008, 04:05 PM)
QUOTE (Super_Wolverine_Man @ Dec 14 2008, 03:50 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 14 2008, 02:48 PM)
None of us have fights against each other.  I was hoping to battle the Mashasaki.  It's fate.

angry.gif You killed my wife!

Yes, but I shall suffer for eternity for it.

That's what you get.

Posted by: Super_Wolverine_Man Dec 15 2008, 02:09 AM
Well I've been raking my brain trying to decide what to do with my new character, and I think its all starting to take shape. I have a pretty good feeling about this one.

Posted by: SilverSurfer092 Dec 15 2008, 03:27 AM
There's this one topic on EF called FPL Character Analysis. Use it.

Posted by: Super_Wolverine_Man Dec 15 2008, 03:35 AM
QUOTE (SilverSurfer092 @ Dec 15 2008, 03:27 AM)
There's this one topic on EF called FPL Character Analysis. Use it.

I will as soon as I have my character written.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

"Nah... it’s the same as it’s always been in my opinion. It’s all about luck. Who you go up against, the mood of the current FPL crowd, if you hit someone with resistances... whether a character gets into the elims or hits the ME is all about luck. Sure, some people have a tendency to make it there more than others, myself included, but I really to just chalk it up to luck in the end."
-LANDON

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

Posted by: treacherous Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

A brutality. If you're character is outvoted to an extremely high degree they kill it.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

I thought it was a brutuality? It's where a character gets beaten by a 3:1 ratio, and they automatically get removed after that, unless they are in the hall of fame. I think.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 02:52 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

A brutality. If you're character is outvoted to an extremely high degree they kill it.

I thought they got rid of that... huh.gif

Posted by: Solomon Dec 16 2008, 02:53 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:52 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

A brutality. If you're character is outvoted to an extremely high degree they kill it.

I thought they got rid of that... huh.gif

Did they? I have no clue.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 16 2008, 02:55 AM
No, Xaxxor was brutalitied.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 02:55 AM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 16 2008, 02:53 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:52 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

A brutality. If you're character is outvoted to an extremely high degree they kill it.

I thought they got rid of that... huh.gif

Did they? I have no clue.

I hope my next match is against you or treach. Then one of us is assured a win biggrin.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 16 2008, 07:34 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:55 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 16 2008, 02:53 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:52 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

A brutality. If you're character is outvoted to an extremely high degree they kill it.

I thought they got rid of that... huh.gif

Did they? I have no clue.

I hope my next match is against you or treach. Then one of us is assured a win biggrin.gif

That's one way to look at it. Don't forget Darkender.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 08:10 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 07:34 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:55 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 16 2008, 02:53 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:52 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:50 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:47 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 02:45 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 02:44 AM)
My character is getting KILLED right now 9-4 sad.gif

Looks like I'll just have to do better on my next character smile.gif

You! Canus' character is going to get a fatality. I don't think he even voted for it.

Fatality? What's that supposed to mean?

A brutality. If you're character is outvoted to an extremely high degree they kill it.

I thought they got rid of that... huh.gif

Did they? I have no clue.

I hope my next match is against you or treach. Then one of us is assured a win biggrin.gif

That's one way to look at it. Don't forget Darkender.

Oh yeah! Darkender's got the big baby character. It'd be cool if we all faced each other laugh.gif

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

Posted by: treacherous Dec 16 2008, 10:28 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

Yay!

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 11:42 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Was there disappearing buttons again? I'm getting really tired of that...

Anyways, if we Havenites were to all face off against each other, I would want to face treach. You can take Wolvie on.

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 11:43 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Was there disappearing buttons again? I'm getting really tired of that...

Anyways, if we Havenites were to all face off against each other, I would want to face treach. You can take Wolvie on.

Why?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 11:44 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:43 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Was there disappearing buttons again? I'm getting really tired of that...

Anyways, if we Havenites were to all face off against each other, I would want to face treach. You can take Wolvie on.

Why?

I just think it would be more fun to face off against those I know rather than people I don't have a clue about.

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 11:47 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:44 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:43 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Was there disappearing buttons again? I'm getting really tired of that...

Anyways, if we Havenites were to all face off against each other, I would want to face treach. You can take Wolvie on.

Why?

I just think it would be more fun to face off against those I know rather than people I don't have a clue about.

Why would you rather face trech?

Oh and I rather us not face off. I want to keep all of us Havenites in there.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 16 2008, 11:52 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:47 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:44 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:43 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Was there disappearing buttons again? I'm getting really tired of that...

Anyways, if we Havenites were to all face off against each other, I would want to face treach. You can take Wolvie on.

Why?

I just think it would be more fun to face off against those I know rather than people I don't have a clue about.

Why would you rather face trech?

Oh and I rather us not face off. I want to keep all of us Havenites in there.

Well, treach and I have been great friends as well as great competitors. It would make us strive to be better.

Posted by: darkender Dec 16 2008, 11:54 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:52 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:47 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:44 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:43 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:38 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 11:28 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 16 2008, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 10:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 16 2008, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 16 2008, 09:19 PM)
Baby bungee is about to die! Last time I looked he was getting slaughtered!

I don't think he'll get brutalitied, but yeah he's not faring well this time.

Yea, this is gonna be a bad loss. Going from a near tie to a devstating lost.

I'm planning on another character anyway...

I know the feeling. I was behind 4-6 and now I'm behind 4-11. I'm getting slaughtered right there with ya.

I'm not alone! Where's the reply button?

What do you mean "Where's the reply button"? huh.gif

Nevermind its back.

Was there disappearing buttons again? I'm getting really tired of that...

Anyways, if we Havenites were to all face off against each other, I would want to face treach. You can take Wolvie on.

Why?

I just think it would be more fun to face off against those I know rather than people I don't have a clue about.

Why would you rather face trech?

Oh and I rather us not face off. I want to keep all of us Havenites in there.

Well, treach and I have been great friends as well as great competitors. It would make us strive to be better.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 02:33 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Alright! How much would you be asking for?

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 17 2008, 02:36 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:33 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Alright! How much would you be asking for?

$155.99 plus $50.00 for the special edition sword.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 02:38 AM
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:36 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:33 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Alright! How much would you be asking for?

$155.99 plus $50.00 for the special edition sword.

Well, get the money from Solomon. He owes me money anyhow. wink.gif

Posted by: Canus Minoris Dec 17 2008, 02:43 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:38 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:36 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:33 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Alright! How much would you be asking for?

$155.99 plus $50.00 for the special edition sword.

Well, get the money from Solomon. He owes me money anyhow. wink.gif

Pleasure doing business with you.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 17 2008, 03:51 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:38 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:36 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:33 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Alright! How much would you be asking for?

$155.99 plus $50.00 for the special edition sword.

Well, get the money from Solomon. He owes me money anyhow. wink.gif

My money! angry.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 03:56 AM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 17 2008, 03:51 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:38 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:36 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:33 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:30 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:29 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:23 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 02:21 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 02:20 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 01:42 AM)
QUOTE (Canus Minoris @ Dec 17 2008, 12:42 AM)
Dang it, my character is losing to a bunch of rabbits with explosives.

Which one is your character?

Pet Ninja.

I'll have to check that out.

Cool.

Sweet! I want a pet ninja! He even comes with sword skills... biggrin.gif

Unfortunately they were all removed from the black market tongue.gif.

But..and keep this quiet...I just might be able to find you one for a low, low price. smile.gif

Alright! How much would you be asking for?

$155.99 plus $50.00 for the special edition sword.

Well, get the money from Solomon. He owes me money anyhow. wink.gif

My money! angry.gif

Ha! I got the pet ninja and didn't have to pay for it biggrin.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 06:14 PM
I'm up 4-1 on my new fight biggrin.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 06:25 PM
They left my character out and put SWMan up against someone he's already battled. Not good. Divide and conquer.

Posted by: darkender Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM
I'm suprised Baby bungee lost only by two. Strangly, he only lost twice but it seems he died. Is that a new rule I wasn't aware of?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:25 PM)
They left my character out and put SWMan up against someone he's already battled. Not good. Divide and conquer.

Well, when I looked, Wolvies character was winning 3-1 so that's a good start...

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 06:32 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
I'm suprised Baby bungee lost only by two. Strangly, he only lost twice but it seems he died. Is that a new rule I wasn't aware of?

Brutality! Frikkin sucks.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 06:33 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
I'm suprised Baby bungee lost only by two. Strangly, he only lost twice but it seems he died. Is that a new rule I wasn't aware of?

Brutality! Frikkin sucks.

You can get a brutality even if you only loose by two votes? huh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 06:35 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 06:33 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:32 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
I'm suprised Baby bungee lost only by two. Strangly, he only lost twice but it seems he died. Is that a new rule I wasn't aware of?

Brutality! Frikkin sucks.

You can get a brutality even if you only loose by two votes? huh.gif

I don't know really. I just said that to scare him. laugh.gif Check the gallery, he's probably just sitting out like me. However, I don't want mine to sit out. That means I'll have to fight some toughies later. I know it.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 06:36 PM
Wait a minute!! I just checked it out!!

Khazan Undercover Defense.
-over Baby Bungee (12 to 3)

You got killed Dark. That's brutal.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 06:38 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:36 PM)
Wait a minute!! I just checked it out!!

Khazan Undercover Defense.
-over Baby Bungee (12 to 3)

You got killed Dark. That's brutal.

Yeah, well I got beat by Dozen Dead 11-4. That's a brutal loss too...

Hey treach, what's your most brutal loss you've had so far?

Posted by: darkender Dec 17 2008, 07:22 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:36 PM)
Wait a minute!! I just checked it out!!

Khazan Undercover Defense.
-over Baby Bungee (12 to 3)

You got killed Dark. That's brutal.

OMG! Thats why! lol I must've been lokking at a different loss. Well I"m gonna be needing your drawing again TRech. I'm almost done with my newest charcter.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 17 2008, 07:50 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:25 PM)
They left my character out and put SWMan up against someone he's already battled.  Not good.  Divide and conquer.

Well, when I looked, Wolvies character was winning 3-1 so that's a good start...

Wait why in the world am I fighting Jane with Cinnamon twice in a row?

Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 07:52 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 17 2008, 07:50 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:25 PM)
They left my character out and put SWMan up against someone he's already battled.  Not good.  Divide and conquer.

Well, when I looked, Wolvies character was winning 3-1 so that's a good start...

Wait why in the world am I fighting Jane with Cinnamon twice in a row?

I don't know, but you're now up 5-2 biggrin.gif

I'm now up 6-1

Team Haven is kicking some butt!

Posted by: Solomon Dec 17 2008, 07:53 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 07:52 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 17 2008, 07:50 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:25 PM)
They left my character out and put SWMan up against someone he's already battled.  Not good.  Divide and conquer.

Well, when I looked, Wolvies character was winning 3-1 so that's a good start...

Wait why in the world am I fighting Jane with Cinnamon twice in a row?

I don't know, but you're now up 5-2 biggrin.gif

I'm now up 6-1

Team Haven is kicking some butt!

Corrections:

Fenril Greensage-7
Drunk Ol Cody-2

Jane-3
Mashasaki-6


Posted by: granobulax Dec 17 2008, 07:55 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 17 2008, 07:53 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 07:52 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 17 2008, 07:50 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 06:31 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 06:25 PM)
They left my character out and put SWMan up against someone he's already battled.  Not good.  Divide and conquer.

Well, when I looked, Wolvies character was winning 3-1 so that's a good start...

Wait why in the world am I fighting Jane with Cinnamon twice in a row?

I don't know, but you're now up 5-2 biggrin.gif

I'm now up 6-1

Team Haven is kicking some butt!

Corrections:

Fenril Greensage-7
Drunk Ol Cody-2

Jane-3
Mashasaki-6

Wow, that was quick! I just checked it about 10 minutes ago... Well, together, we're winning 13-5 biggrin.gif

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 08:30 PM
Don't count on those scores staying the same. I'd say there are about 14 or 15 people voting right now. It could change dramatically. Also, I haven't had any really brutal beat downs. Most of mine have all been pretty close. That's what sucks the most. Close losses. I'm Mr. "missed it by that much."

Posted by: Solomon Dec 17 2008, 08:46 PM
6-4

Posted by: darkender Dec 17 2008, 08:48 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 08:30 PM)
Don't count on those scores staying the same. I'd say there are about 14 or 15 people voting right now. I could change dramatically. Also, I haven't had any really brutal beat downs. Most of mine have all been pretty close. That's what sucks the most. Close losses. I'm Mr. "missed it by that much."

Its better than brutality.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 09:05 PM
Yeah, maybe there should be different leagues. Starters, intermediate and Heavy weights.

Also, I do believe Grano may get his first win against Drunk Ol Cody.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 17 2008, 09:22 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 09:05 PM)
Yeah, maybe there should be different leagues. Starters, intermediate and Heavy weights.

Also, I do believe Grano may get his first win against Drunk Ol Cody.

Perhaps... Why did they have to put me up against Sir Exal...AGAIN!

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 17 2008, 10:38 PM
I'm going to try the FPL. I'll post my character here when I've got him figured out powerwise.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 17 2008, 10:40 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 10:38 PM)
I'm going to try the FPL. I'll post my character here when I've got him figured out powerwise.

Coolness.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 11:10 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 17 2008, 09:22 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 09:05 PM)
Yeah, maybe there should be different leagues.  Starters, intermediate and Heavy weights.

Also, I do believe Grano may get his first win against Drunk Ol Cody.

Perhaps... Why did they have to put me up against Sir Exal...AGAIN!

Who knows? Maybe Exal was the one who did it? Maybe he wants to prove he can beat your character without my characters interference. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Posted by: darkender Dec 17 2008, 11:12 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 10:38 PM)
I'm going to try the FPL. I'll post my character here when I've got him figured out powerwise.

Haven will run wild in FPL!

Posted by: treacherous Dec 17 2008, 11:13 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 17 2008, 11:12 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 10:38 PM)
I'm going to try the FPL.  I'll post my character here when I've got him figured out powerwise.

Haven will run wild in FPL!

They'll find a way to kill us all.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 17 2008, 11:59 PM
Character: The White Pawn

Backround: My name is Connor Stevens. By day I'm a mild mannered seventeen year old kicked out by his father and taken in by some local shopkeepers; by night I am the vigilante hero The White Pawn. I have but one goal: to destory my manipulative bastard of a father.

You woldn't know it but my father owns half of Khazan; his name is Donald Stark; the biggest buisness man/mob boss in Khazan. Well I guess I shouldn't really call him fater, seeing as I'm his genecticly enhanced clone clone and not really his son but that's the connection I choose to give him. He made me to carry on his empire when he died but I swear I'll never be like him, for my mother's sake.

My "mother", Luara Stevens married my father while I was in the early stages of devlopment and he used her as a human incubater for my fetus I don't rember much about her though she was murdered when I was five by my father. What I do remmber is that she was beautiful, blonde hair, Brown eyes, kind and gentle. She raised me while my faher used his money and power to take over Khazan.

Then it happened, I rember the day, and the time. May 11, year 4,024,345,512 A.B.B. (After Big Bang) on the Khazan calendar, 3;16 a.m. I hear a gun shot and rush out of bed to find my my father standing over my mother's body. .She bloody and lifeless I run over to her.

"G-G-Get up mommy please get up!" I beg chocking back tears.

"She won't wake." My father tells me. I look him in his cold grey eyes, he's tan, has black hair and i s by all means an imposing man but the look in those eyes will haunt me for life. They're unremorseful and not at all consoling; in that mment I realize he did this.

"Why?" I say blubering all over myself.

"She knew too much." he answerd simply. With my mother gone that scumbag raised me his way. I was locked up in a room for twelve years wit nothing but the words in textbooks and a chess set.

Ah, chess, I moderately enjoy the game dispite it's hand in my imprissonment. I mastered the statigesies and my fater would come in to test me; I'd always lost he was too good. He would mock me.

"You my boy are nothing more than a throwawy pawn and I an the king. You can't win. " He'd tell me. Then he'd send me to raid raid competitors with my abilite in order to strengthen his hold on Khazan. One month ago to the day decided enough was enough I set the assholes mansion on fire. I ran out off there like a bat out of hell. I merely smirked as the fire hit his chem lab and caused a giant explosion.

"Checkmate, I muttered but then i saw his helecopter fly off, no just check." I began to walk away when something caught my eye. A white pawn from my chess piece. It was scorched, covered in burn marks but I picked it up anyway. It was like me, a pawn of white pure and powerful. A pawn may be slow but if it can get behind enemy lines it can become any piece. A pawn is the most powerful piece.

Personality:

I stumbled on to Main Street and saw may of the buisnesses I raided going belly up. This was my fault; I helped him and now I'm going to stop him. This I swear, the pawn will take the king.

I'll put powers up later.

Posted by: darkender Dec 17 2008, 11:59 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 11:13 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Dec 17 2008, 11:12 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 10:38 PM)
I'm going to try the FPL.  I'll post my character here when I've got him figured out powerwise.

Haven will run wild in FPL!

They'll find a way to kill us all.

Tell em to bring it...

Posted by: granobulax Dec 18 2008, 01:03 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 11:59 PM)
Character: The White Pawn

Backround: My name is Connor Stevens. By day I'm a mild mannered seventeen year old kicked out by his father and taken in by some local shopkeepers; by night I am the vigilante hero The White Pawn. I have but one goal: to destory my manipulative bastard of a father.

You woldn't know it but my father owns half of Khazan; his name is Donald Stark; the biggest buisness man/mob boss in Khazan. Well I guess I shouldn't really call him fater, seeing as I'm his genecticly enhanced clone clone and not really his son but that's the connection I choose to give him. He made me to carry on his empire when he died but I swear I'll never be like him, for my mother's sake.

My "mother", Luara Stevens married my father while I was in the early stages of devlopment and he used her as a human incubater for my fetus I don't rember much about her though she was murdered when I was five by my father. What I do remmber is that she was beautiful, blonde hair, Brown eyes, kind and gentle. She raised me while my faher used his money and power to take over Khazan.

Then it happened, I rember the day, and the time. May 11, year 4,024,345,512 A.B.B. (After Big Bang) on the Khazan calendar, 3;16 a.m. I hear a gun shot and rush out of bed to find my my father standing over my mother's body. .She bloody and lifeless I run over to her.

"G-G-Get up mommy please get up!" I beg chocking back tears.

"She won't wake." My father tells me. I look him in his cold grey eyes, he's tan, has black hair and i s by all means an imposing man but the look in those eyes will haunt me for life. They're unremorseful and not at all consoling; in that mment I realize he did this.

"Why?" I say blubering all over myself.

"She knew too much." he answerd simply. With my mother gone that scumbag raised me his way. I was locked up in a room for twelve years wit nothing but the words in textbooks and a chess set.

Ah, chess, I moderately enjoy the game dispite it's hand in my imprissonment. I mastered the statigesies and my fater would come in to test me; I'd always lost he was too good. He would mock me.

"You my boy are nothing more than a throwawy pawn and I an the king. You can't win. " He'd tell me. Then he'd send me to raid raid competitors with my abilite in order to strengthen his hold on Khazan. One month ago to the day decided enough was enough I set the assholes mansion on fire. I ran out off there like a bat out of hell. I merely smirked as the fire hit his chem lab and caused a giant explosion.

"Checkmate, I muttered but then i saw his helecopter fly off, no just check." I began to walk away when something caught my eye. A white pawn from my chess piece. It was scorched, covered in burn marks but I picked it up anyway. It was like me, a pawn of white pure and powerful. A pawn may be slow but if it can get behind enemy lines it can become any piece. A pawn is the most powerful piece.

Personality:

I stumbled on to Main Street and saw may of the buisnesses I raided going belly up. This was my fault; I helped him and now I'm going to stop him. This I swear, the pawn will take the king.

I'll put powers up later.

Ok, I'm really going to pick this apart...





Character: The White Pawn

Backround: My name is Connor Stevens. By day I'm a mild mannered seventeen year old kicked out by his father and taken in by some local shopkeepers; by night I am the vigilante hero The White Pawn. I have but one goal: to destory my manipulative bastard of a father.

You woldn't (Misspelled) know it but my father owns half of Khazan; his name is Donald Stark; the (Too many semicolons) biggest buisness man/mob boss in Khazan. Well I guess I shouldn't really call him fater, seeing as I'm his genecticly enhanced clone clone and not really his son but that's the connection I choose to give him. He made me to carry on his empire when he died (This spot mentions his fathers death, but at no other time does the story have that feel. Why would the White Pawn want to destroy his father if he's dead? It just doesn't seem to fit into the story) but I swear I'll never be like him, for my mother's sake.

My "mother", Luara Stevens married my father while I was in the early stages of devlopment and he used her as a human incubater for my fetus I don't rember much about her though she (Needs a coma or a period) was murdered when I was five by my father. What I do remmber is that she was beautiful, blonde hair, Brown eyes, kind and gentle. She raised me while my faher used his money and power to take over Khazan.

Then it happened, I rember the day, and the time. May 11, year 4,024,345,512 (If this is in the year four billion after the big bang, then that would make this story take place over nine billion years ago... just thought that would be a long, long time ago...) A.B.B. (After Big Bang) on the Khazan calendar, 3;16 a.m. I hear a gun shot and rush out of bed to find my my father standing over my mother's body. .She (I don't even know what this is) bloody and lifeless I run over to her.

"G-G-Get up mommy please get up!" I beg chocking (Misspelled, it's "Choking") back tears.

"She won't wake." My father tells me. I look him in his cold grey eyes, he's tan, has black hair and i s (Did you mean "Is" or something else?) by all means an imposing man but the look in those eyes will haunt me for life. They're unremorseful and not at all consoling; in that mment (Moment?) I realize he did this.

"Why?" I say blubering all over myself.

"She knew too much." he answerd simply. With my mother gone that scumbag raised me his way. I was locked up in a room for twelve years wit (With?) nothing but the words in textbooks and a chess set.

Ah, chess, I moderately enjoy the game dispite it's hand in my imprissonment. I mastered the statigesies (Strategies?) and my fater (Father?) would come in to test me; I'd always lost he was too good. He would mock me.

"You my boy are nothing more than a throwawy (Throwaway?) pawn and I an (Did you mean "Am") the king. You can't win. " He'd tell me. Then he'd send me to raid raid (Did you mean to type "raid" twice?) competitors with my abilite (Ability or abilities?) in order to strengthen his hold on Khazan. One month ago to the day decided (Who decided it was enough?) enough was enough I set the assholes mansion on fire. I ran out off there like a bat out of hell. I merely smirked as the fire hit his chem lab and caused a giant explosion.

"Checkmate, I muttered but then i saw his helecopter fly off, no just check." I began to walk away when something caught my eye. A white pawn from my chess piece. It was scorched, covered in burn marks but I picked it up anyway. It was like me, a pawn of white pure and powerful. A pawn may be slow but if it can get behind enemy lines it can become any piece. A pawn is the most powerful piece.

Personality:

I stumbled on to Main Street and saw may of the buisnesses I raided going belly up. This was my fault; I helped him and now I'm going to stop him. This I swear, the pawn will take the king.


There were other parts but I think you were going to revise this anyway. Good start, work on a couple of drafts and this will have potential.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 18 2008, 01:06 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 08:03 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 11:59 PM)
Character: The White Pawn

Backround: My name is Connor Stevens.  By day I'm a mild mannered seventeen year old kicked out by his father and taken in by some local shopkeepers; by night I am the vigilante hero The White Pawn.  I have but one goal: to destory my manipulative bastard of a father.

You woldn't know it but my father owns half of Khazan; his name is Donald Stark; the biggest buisness man/mob boss in Khazan.  Well I guess I shouldn't really call him fater, seeing as I'm his genecticly enhanced clone clone and not really his son but that's the connection I choose to give him.  He made me to carry on his empire when he died but I swear I'll never be like him, for my mother's sake.

My "mother", Luara Stevens married my father while I was in the early stages of devlopment and he used her as a human incubater for my fetus  I don't rember much about her though she was murdered when I was five by my father.  What I do remmber is that she was beautiful, blonde hair, Brown eyes, kind and gentle.  She raised me while my faher used his money and power to take over Khazan.

Then it happened, I rember the day, and the time.  May 11, year 4,024,345,512 A.B.B. (After Big Bang) on the Khazan calendar, 3;16 a.m.  I hear a gun shot and rush out of bed to find my my father standing over my mother's body.  .She bloody and lifeless I run over to her.

"G-G-Get up mommy please get up!" I beg chocking back tears.

"She won't wake." My father tells me. I look him in his cold grey eyes, he's tan,  has black hair and i s by all means an imposing man but the look in those eyes will haunt me for life.  They're unremorseful and not at all consoling; in that mment I realize he did this.

"Why?" I say blubering all over myself.

"She knew too much." he answerd simply.  With my mother gone that scumbag raised me his way.  I was locked up in a room for twelve years wit nothing but the words in textbooks and a chess set.

Ah, chess, I moderately enjoy the game dispite it's hand in my imprissonment.  I mastered the statigesies and my fater would come in to test me; I'd always lost he was too good.  He would mock me.

"You my boy are nothing more than a throwawy pawn and I an the king.  You can't win. " He'd tell me.  Then he'd send me to raid raid competitors with my abilite in order to strengthen his hold on Khazan.  One month ago to the day decided enough was enough  I set the assholes mansion on fire.  I ran out off there like a bat out of hell.  I merely smirked as the fire hit his chem lab and caused a giant explosion.

"Checkmate, I muttered but then i saw his helecopter fly off, no just check."  I began to walk away when something caught my eye.  A white pawn from my chess piece.  It was scorched, covered in burn marks but I picked it up anyway.  It was like me, a pawn of white pure and powerful.  A pawn may be slow but if it can get behind enemy lines it can become any piece.  A pawn is the most powerful piece.

Personality:

I stumbled on to Main Street and saw may of the buisnesses I raided going belly up.  This was my fault; I helped him and now I'm going to stop him.  This I swear, the pawn will take the king.

I'll put powers up later.

Ok, I'm really going to pick this apart...





Character: The White Pawn

Backround: My name is Connor Stevens. By day I'm a mild mannered seventeen year old kicked out by his father and taken in by some local shopkeepers; by night I am the vigilante hero The White Pawn. I have but one goal: to destory my manipulative bastard of a father.

You woldn't (Misspelled) know it but my father owns half of Khazan; his name is Donald Stark; the (Too many semicolons) biggest buisness man/mob boss in Khazan. Well I guess I shouldn't really call him fater, seeing as I'm his genecticly enhanced clone clone and not really his son but that's the connection I choose to give him. He made me to carry on his empire when he died (This spot mentions his fathers death, but at no other time does the story have that feel. Why would the White Pawn want to destroy his father if he's dead? It just doesn't seem to fit into the story) but I swear I'll never be like him, for my mother's sake.

My "mother", Luara Stevens married my father while I was in the early stages of devlopment and he used her as a human incubater for my fetus I don't rember much about her though she (Needs a coma or a period) was murdered when I was five by my father. What I do remmber is that she was beautiful, blonde hair, Brown eyes, kind and gentle. She raised me while my faher used his money and power to take over Khazan.

Then it happened, I rember the day, and the time. May 11, year 4,024,345,512 (If this is in the year four billion after the big bang, then that would make this story take place over nine billion years ago... just thought that would be a long, long time ago...) A.B.B. (After Big Bang) on the Khazan calendar, 3;16 a.m. I hear a gun shot and rush out of bed to find my my father standing over my mother's body. .She (I don't even know what this is) bloody and lifeless I run over to her.

"G-G-Get up mommy please get up!" I beg chocking (Misspelled, it's "Choking") back tears.

"She won't wake." My father tells me. I look him in his cold grey eyes, he's tan, has black hair and i s (Did you mean "Is" or something else?) by all means an imposing man but the look in those eyes will haunt me for life. They're unremorseful and not at all consoling; in that mment (Moment?) I realize he did this.

"Why?" I say blubering all over myself.

"She knew too much." he answerd simply. With my mother gone that scumbag raised me his way. I was locked up in a room for twelve years wit (With?) nothing but the words in textbooks and a chess set.

Ah, chess, I moderately enjoy the game dispite it's hand in my imprissonment. I mastered the statigesies (Strategies?) and my fater (Father?) would come in to test me; I'd always lost he was too good. He would mock me.

"You my boy are nothing more than a throwawy (Throwaway?) pawn and I an (Did you mean "Am") the king. You can't win. " He'd tell me. Then he'd send me to raid raid (Did you mean to type "raid" twice?) competitors with my abilite (Ability or abilities?) in order to strengthen his hold on Khazan. One month ago to the day decided (Who decided it was enough?) enough was enough I set the assholes mansion on fire. I ran out off there like a bat out of hell. I merely smirked as the fire hit his chem lab and caused a giant explosion.

"Checkmate, I muttered but then i saw his helecopter fly off, no just check." I began to walk away when something caught my eye. A white pawn from my chess piece. It was scorched, covered in burn marks but I picked it up anyway. It was like me, a pawn of white pure and powerful. A pawn may be slow but if it can get behind enemy lines it can become any piece. A pawn is the most powerful piece.

Personality:

I stumbled on to Main Street and saw may of the buisnesses I raided going belly up. This was my fault; I helped him and now I'm going to stop him. This I swear, the pawn will take the king.


There were other parts but I think you were going to revise this anyway. Good start, work on a couple of drafts and this will have potential.

Oh well, I don't care anyway.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 18 2008, 01:21 AM
Why would you write all of that and not care? Anyway, the grammar is the main problem. NOTE TO ALL: Bad grammar will get you nowhere in the FPL. NOWHERE! That's a prerequisite.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 18 2008, 01:34 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 08:21 PM)
Why would you write all of that and not care? Anyway, the grammar is the main problem. NOTE TO ALL: Bad grammar will get you nowhere in the FPL. NOWHERE! That's a prerequisite.

Why? cause, it was just a way to kill some time. If it got accepted great.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 18 2008, 03:44 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 18 2008, 01:34 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 08:21 PM)
Why would you write all of that and not care?  Anyway, the grammar is the main problem.  NOTE TO ALL:  Bad grammar will get you nowhere in the FPL.  NOWHERE!  That's a prerequisite.

Why? cause, it was just a way to kill some time. If it got accepted great.

I wasn't trying to be mean, rather, I was trying to help you get a character to go far. I'm sorry if you think I was too rough on your character, but criticism is a great tool to help improve.

Believe me, treach and Wolvie have torn apart some of my writing and I thank them for it.

Read what your friends write. We're only trying to help. I sure hope you do care, because we care enough to help you out.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 18 2008, 03:49 AM
Torn apart? Grano what Treach, and I said to you was nothig compared to the criticism of Landon, Ivan, The Poet, The escapist etc. Etc.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 18 2008, 03:51 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 17 2008, 10:44 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 18 2008, 01:34 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Dec 17 2008, 08:21 PM)
Why would you write all of that and not care?  Anyway, the grammar is the main problem.  NOTE TO ALL:  Bad grammar will get you nowhere in the FPL.  NOWHERE!  That's a prerequisite.

Why? cause, it was just a way to kill some time. If it got accepted great.

I wasn't trying to be mean, rather, I was trying to help you get a character to go far. I'm sorry if you think I was too rough on your character, but criticism is a great tool to help improve.

Believe me, treach and Wolvie have torn apart some of my writing and I thank them for it.

Read what your friends write. We're only trying to help. I sure hope you do care, because we care enough to help you out.

You misunderstand; I did for kicks and giggles rip away.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 18 2008, 03:52 AM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 18 2008, 03:49 AM)
Torn apart? Grano what Treach, and I said to you was nothig compared to the criticism of Landon, Ivan, The Poet, The escapist etc. Etc.

I realize that. I was making an example for Guardian. In comparison with EF, it's lightweight. I was more refering to what we've come acostomed to here. wink.gif

Posted by: Solomon Dec 18 2008, 03:57 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 18 2008, 03:52 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 18 2008, 03:49 AM)
Torn apart? Grano what Treach, and I said to you was nothig compared to the criticism of Landon, Ivan, The Poet, The escapist etc. Etc.

I realize that. I was making an example for Guardian. In comparison with EF, it's lightweight. I was more refering to what we've come acostomed to here. wink.gif

Ah ha. cool.gif

Posted by: granobulax Dec 18 2008, 04:12 AM
I'm up 9-2! Perhaps my first character won't be a complete failure... biggrin.gif

Posted by: Solomon Dec 18 2008, 04:16 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 18 2008, 04:12 AM)
I'm up 9-2! Perhaps my first character won't be a complete failure... biggrin.gif

6-5. It seems sir exal, and are having a friendly rivalry going. When I submitted smolak he defeated me 8-6 with Issac Rodiownzki (spelling?). Then he beat with Miss Doe 8-6. After that we tied. Now were facing each other once more.

Posted by: granobulax Dec 18 2008, 04:26 AM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 18 2008, 04:16 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 18 2008, 04:12 AM)
I'm up 9-2! Perhaps my first character won't be a complete failure... biggrin.gif

6-5. It seems sir exal, and are having a friendly rivalry going. When I submitted smolak he defeated me 8-6 with Issac Rodiownzki (spelling?). Then he beat with Miss Doe 8-6. After that we tied. Now were facing each other once more.

Well, you're holding your own with an excellent writer. It would be nice if you faced some of the easier opponents every once in a while though... Not all of the time, but once in a while...

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 18 2008, 04:40 AM
New Character time.

Haven of Wiidom:

Backround: Once in a million Khazan years a new reality is spawned. Haven of Wiidom isuch a reality. This reality is the latest in a series of ones spwned form Khazan's family tree. From From khazan came CBR, from that CBUB and FPL and finally from CBUB came Haven of Wiidom. Haven is a near paradisical reality with only the Haven Civil War blemishing it's history. Formed in a time of great strife on CBUB by the ingenoius wizard Phalanax Blood. It was created as a safe house for astranged CBUB members and has since grown into a strong plane of exsistance. However a time must come when realities meet and in searching for new horizions the Havenites have returned to their Khazanic roots and are taking on th FPL.

PEesonality: How do you describe the personaliy of a reality. Haven has so many different people with different likes and dislikes it would be impossibe. However I will try and sum up the phenomenon that is Haven of Wiidom: Competely random insanity.

Posted by: Solomon Dec 18 2008, 11:18 AM
Well it looks like Grano is going to win this one. Current score: 10-2. On the other hand Sir Exal and I are now tied:6-6

Posted by: treacherous Dec 18 2008, 01:08 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 18 2008, 04:26 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Dec 18 2008, 04:16 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Dec 18 2008, 04:12 AM)
I'm up 9-2! Perhaps my first character won't be a complete failure... biggrin.gif

6-5. It seems sir exal, and are having a friendly rivalry going. When I submitted smolak he defeated me 8-6 with Issac Rodiownzki (spelling?). Then he beat with Miss Doe 8-6. After that we tied. Now were facing each other once more.

Well, you're holding your own with an excellent writer. It would be nice if you faced some of the easier opponents every once in a while though... Not all of the time, but once in a while...

I've tied with Exal twice. I can't seem to beat him though. I hate ties.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Dec 18 2008, 05:41 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Dec 17 2008, 05:38 PM)
I'm going to try the FPL. I'll post my character here when I've got him figured out powerwise.

Alright guys help me improve this. I was thinking of having the powers based off members.

Posted by: treacherous Dec 18 2008, 06:01 PM
I like the idea. I don't know if the FPL crowd will, but I do.
I suggest (after cleaning up that intro) we all input our own opinions of each other for the powers. This is an example.

Phalanx: Commander
Created the place

Grano: Emotion Control
Spreading niceness and joy all the friggin time and calming bad attitudes

Treacherous: Detective???
IDK?

Leo: Weapon Creation???
Pulls out random crap like a toon.

etc...





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