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|Haven Of Wiidom > Members' Zones > Grano's grades!|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 03:38 AM|
| Throw me some writing my way for a good ol' fassion constructive criticism and an overall grade.
I review based on:
Grammar and spelling: 20%
Entertainment value: 45%
It's a simple grading system so bring on the writing!
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 20 2009, 03:44 AM|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 03:45 AM|
You coppied treach first
We can be the three musketeers of the review threads
|Posted by: The Ripper Jan 20 2009, 03:57 AM|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 04:03 AM|
Wow, that's too much to review at one time. How's about you post a section here and there and I'll review them one at a time
|Posted by: The Ripper Jan 20 2009, 04:04 AM|
How about my first one: Blood Edge?
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 04:18 AM|
Flow: 18% The most of the story was of Sigmund fighting one opponent after another. The flow was lacking in that it was very repetitive. Throw some newer challanges for Sigmund and it'll be far better.
Grammar and spelling: 15% When there is dialogue, a new paragraph is to be started upon the next person's speach. There were whole paragraphs with dialogue mixed in. Seperate the paragraphs and the grammar will be perfect. I didn't notice any spelling errors.
Entertainment value: 30% As I said in the flow, the repeditive nature of this piece made it lack in entertainment. Break that up and it will be far improved.
Total score: 63%
Over all; not bad. Needs some work but it has a good shot at being something great.
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 20 2009, 04:40 AM|
I like the sound of that. Even though treach's was for constructive criticism mine is just for a flat out grade. Like a report card.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 04:44 AM|
And mine's got a little of both
After all, we're here to help others. Now we can give everyone all the help they could possibly want.
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 20 2009, 04:51 AM|
|Posted by: The Ripper Jan 20 2009, 05:26 AM|
|http://issac-the-irate.deviantart.com/art/Blood-Edge-108395094 I included some elements. Aigmund had to dodge traps and the two had to hike a steep mountain. The story itself it like a video game. GO VIDEO GAMES!!!|
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 20 2009, 03:18 PM|
|Posted by: Street Fighter vs DBZ Jan 20 2009, 05:45 PM|
| Deathstroke and Deadpool vs. Lobo:
The Marvel Universe...
Deadpool was battling T-Ray, as T-Ray had teleported into his house and killed Blind Al.
Deadpool: "I don't really give a damn about Blind Al, BUT NO ONE GOES INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
T-Ray through a punch at him but Deadpool teleported on top of him and stabbed him in the face with his Katana.
T-Ray punched Deadpool in the belt. It broke Deadpool's teleporter.
Deadpool: "Now T-Ray, how many times have I told you not to touch Daddy's belts?!"
Deadpool pulled out a gun and shot T-Ray in the eye. He then cut off T-Ray's head with the katana.
Deadpool: "I win! I win! Ner ner ne ner ner!"
Deadpool picked up T-Ray's head and through it in the garbage. Then he took T-Ray and Blind Al's bodies and dumped them in the Hellhouse. Then he pushed the button on his teleporter to see if it still worked. He teleported, but reappeared in a city he had never seen before.
Deadpool: "Oh goody, it still works! Hurray! Hurra- Wait, where in the name of cheesy puffs am I?! Oh well, I'll just teleport back."
He pressed the button on his belt. Nothing happened.
Deadpool: "Aw, shi-"
But then someone kicked him in the back of the head. Deadpool fell to the ground and rolled over to see who had kicked him. A man dressed up like a bat was standing there.
Batman: "I'd heard rumors that you were operating in Gotham, Deathstroke. Now I can finally bring you to justice! I see you changed your costume. But you can still see that it's you from a mile away."
Deadpool: "Deathstroke?! Who the hell is Deathstroke? Does he like cheesy puffs?"
Batman: "Nice try Deathstroke. But I'm not falling for it."
Batman prepared to kick Deadpool in the face and knock him out, but suddenly there was a gunshot and Batman fell over, dead.
Deadpool: "Wow, I must be really good! I killed that guy without even tryin'!"
But then Deadpool saw another man emerge from the shadows. The man was almost identical to him.
Deadpool: "Who the hell are you?! I've never seen you in a comic before... anyway, thanks for saving my ass. I owe you one."
Man: "I'm Deathstroke. Why are you dressed like me?"
Deadpool: "Uh... I dunno. You like cheesy puffs?"
Deathstroke: "Who are you?!"
Deadpool: "I'm Deadpool. I don't think I'm... y'know... from this universe. I teleported here by mistake. Oh my god, Your my long lost brother aren't you!"
Deathstroke: "No you idiot! You must be some kind of parallel universe version of me..."
Deadpool: "Oh... I'll have to keep searching for my long lost brother then."
Deathstroke: "What's your real name?"
Deadpool: "Wilson. Wade Wilson.
Deathstroke: "Yeah, you’re definitely an alternate universe version of me. My name is Slade Wilson."
Before either of them could say another word, a figure jumped down from a building. The figure was dressed in biker gear and had Dreadlocks.
Deadpool: "D-Dirty Wolff?! (Note: Dirty Wolff was a parody of Lobo in Deadpool #41 )
Deathstroke: "His name is Lobo, Deadpool."
Lobo: "Damn straight. That's L as in "lacerate," O as in "obliterate," B as in "disembowel," and O as in, uh... well, I guess I can use "obliterate" twice. You got a hell of a lotta enemies, Deathstroke, and one of 'em's gonna pay big bucks if I bring you back alive. He said He wanted ta' finish you off himself. And looky here, I got me two Deathstrokes! I wonder if I'll get paid double."
Lobo took out a gun and jumped at Deathstroke and Deadpool. They both dodged and fired their guns at Lobo.
Deadpool is armed with 4 mini-machineguns, 2 Katanas, 2 handguns and 20 grenades.
Deathstroke is armed with everything that Deadpool has, plus a teleporter. Both Deadpool and Deathstroke are at their absolute peak.
Lobo has one handgun. Just to make it fair, this is the weak version of Lobo (The one that can barely pick up a car).
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 07:28 PM|
Flow:30% It's a little choppy in there in that it moves a little too fast in the beginning. A little more detail would do the beginning nicely. Other than that, the story flows very well.
Grammar and spelling: 5% There are some big mistakes. For instance, "through" should be spelled "Threw" in the context in which it was used. Also, beginning consecutive sentenses the same way repetedly makes for too much repitition. Try to revise that if you can. Be original and use different words. Use a thesaurus if you have one or go to Thesaurus.com. That should help.
Entertainment value: 40% I though it was very entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. I would liked to have read a little more detail into the death of Batman and perhaps a little more into the fight scenes but the character personalities were flawless.
Overall: 75% Nice job!
|Posted by: Street Fighter vs DBZ Jan 20 2009, 07:29 PM|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 07:30 PM|
I hope that helps
|Posted by: darkender Jan 21 2009, 06:27 PM|
| "Isn't Mr. Chaplin such a fag!" said Jeremy after leaving Mr. Chaplin's science class.
"All I did was miss a shot into the garbage can, and he started talking about how I'll never be a basketball player, and how I shouldn't have even made the team." He said.
"I know what you mean man." John said as he turned towards his locker opening it and taking his lunch bag out.
"I'm telling you man. If he was to get fired or just disappear one day. I don't think anybody would miss him." He said as they walked into the school cafeteria.
Jeremy got on line to get his lunch, and John accompanied him even though he already had his lunch. As they waited on the unusually long line Mr. Chaplin walked into the cafeteria. Both of the boys watched him enter as he made his way across the room towards the line. Without a hello Chaplin walked past them and up to the front of the line to get his food.
"That isn't even fair!" Jeremy exclaimed.
"Calm down Jeremy." John chuckled "It's not even that serious."
Later both of the boys got their food and sat down with their friends. They ate their food and when they were finished they headed out to their next class. They rest of the day went as usual, until the final bell rang. All of the kids flooded out of their classrooms and into the halls. Jeremy and John were anxious to get out to the front of the school after a rumor they had heard about a fight.
"Did you hear about the fight?" John asked they walked down the hall way.
"Yeah, I can't wait to see it. Josh is gonna jump Devin." He said excitedly.
"Yea, this is gonna be a good." He said as he pushed the door open leading outside.
By the time the boys got out there the fight had already begun. The other kids had formed a circle around the two fighters as they chanted and yelled for the fight. The two fighters began throwing punches and the fight was beginning to get brutal. Teachers began to run out but the female teachers were unable to even make it through the circle that had been made around the fight. The teachers beginning to panic tried to go get another teacher to get through to the boys. The closet male teacher near was Chaplin and he quickly got through. Moving kids out of the way, he got a hold of one of the boys and began to split them up to cease the fight.
"Both of you, To the Principal's office!" he demanded to both of the fighters.
"Who else is going to mess up good fight other than Chaplin." Jeremy said as they both turned around and began heading to their buses.
The next day they both arrived at school and went through their regular morning ritual of hanging with their crew and then heading to their first period class. The day went by rather fast for some unknown reason and before they knew it they both in Mr. Chaplin's class again. Mr. Chaplin had continued where they left off before and restarted his lecture on stars. Half way through his lecture gun shots could be heard down the hall way. All of the kids in the class beginning to Mr. Chaplin went to his desk and pulled out his cell phone and keys. He went to the door and looked down the hall. He saw three figures in the hall way standing in long coats with rifles in each of their hands. Chaplin locked the door and began to call 911. Unfortunately, there was no service in his classroom. He looked at his students and quickly asked if anybody had service. After all of them shaking their head no he continued went towards the class phone. It was disconnected as he thought before. He ran up to the door and looked out the window. The figures were making their way up the hall causing carnage in each class room on the way down.
He continued to watch the figures as he went into deep thought. He wasn't sure what to do. He looked out again and saw that they were getting closer and closer to the room by the second. He quickly turned the lights off and put his back towards the door. He instructed his students to hide under their desks, and as they did he flung open the door.
Armor Skin supreme
The first shooter turned around to see the teacher running towards him and began firing. Emptying his clip into the teacher he was surprised to see no damage dealt to him except holes in his shirt. Chaplin then walked up to the shooter grabbing him by him arms, and throwing him through the lockers and landing him into another classroom. After seeing this, the other shooters began to run down the hall in an attempt to escape the super powered teacher.
Chaplin seeing this reached out his arm towards one of the shooters. Stopping in his tracks the shooter began to lift in the air dropping his guns. The shooter realizing he was in mid air began to panic and look towards his fellow shooter. The third shooter in another attempt to stop the teacher shot again. Losing concentration Chaplin dropped the shooter and as soon as his feet hit the floor he began running again. Chaplin realizing they were on the verge of getting away and could possibly hurt others could not let this happen. He began running after them and before long his feet lifted off the floor and he began flying. Turning around the shooters could not believe their eyes. Chaplin grabbing both of them by their shirts lifted them into the air and threw them into the ceiling. Both of the shooters hit the ceiling with a loud thump and then fall to the ground.
Struggling to get up one of the shooters began to reach for his gun.
"If you take out that gun, I'll fry you alive" He said as his eyes began to turn red.
The shooter dropped his gun and began to realize that all of them were going in for the death sentence for what they've done.
Later the police had finally arrived and began to put the shooters into hand cuffs. The news reporters crowded around Mr. Chaplin asking, how he stopped them and what happened. He couldn't hold his secret anymore and was found out once more. There came more and more crowds of reporters as more people arrived on the interesting and mysterious case. Chaplin couldn't take the attention and flew off into the air to never be seen again, until now
Tell me what you think.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 21 2009, 06:38 PM|
Flow: 30% I thought the flow was rather good. The beginning had some useless stuff, such as the fight, that had no bearing on the story itself and that's why I docked a few points. Other than that, nice flow.
Grammar and spelling: 19% A few minor grammar errors but nothing worth docking more than one percent. Very good.
Entertainment value: 30% I thought the story itself was just okay. My main beef was that it was highly predictable. I would have liked to have seen some twist that was unexpected. I would have also liked to have read a little more focus on Mr Chaplin himself. The most of the story focused on the two kids with out hardly any character build up for Mr. Chaplin.
Overall: 79% All in all it was pretty good but not great. I'd have to say that you're stories are improving as a whole though and it's only a matter of time before you're pumping out masterpieces. Keep the characters coming because I do enjoy reading them on the FPL.
|Posted by: darkender Jan 21 2009, 06:50 PM|
Thanks. I was planning on making a whole story on it including the rest of Mr. Chaplan's story in it, and a new character, but I doubt it would happen. I'm not that devoted to put in that much time into this.
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM|
|Do you accept poems?|
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM|
The End of Sin
The twisted tongue of a serpent, set forth the anguish of sin
Engulfed by the fire of hatetred, and repented for deaths twin
Distrust sweeping cross the land, changing destinies persecution
Darkness retreating into the abyss, a lights resurection
Slithering forth for impeeding doom, treachery is here once more
Life's burning flame extinguished, gone in the hearts of thee
Replaced with a lie, from the kingdom of ember
shaped by the words of deceit, truth comes moaning within me
Led to the end of dreams, and to hopes dismember
Sent forth within the isles of evermore
Shaken by the hand of divinity No more
Grapes of Wrath go rotten
For he hath been forgotten
Turned away from the creator
The eye becomes blind not seeing later
A spark of hope flickers amongst the dark
A voice...a song of peace leaving a mark;
upon it's vessel of hate, and forgotten dreams
The light of the one reaches out
dispelling the uncertainty of doubt
Peace hath cometh from above
The lies of a serpent replaced by love.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM|
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM|
What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM|
I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 02:04 AM|
Ya got anything in mind?
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 02:05 AM|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 02:06 AM|
Somehow I missed that post
I'll check it out right now
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 02:13 AM|
Flow:30% I generally liked the flow of the poem. It felt like a portion of it was forced, but it's hard work doing poetry and nearly impossible to be creative within its limitations without forcing a little.
Grammar and spelling: 15% I saw no spelling errors to speak of but what I didn't like was that in some areas you used punctuation while it was completely abscent for the rest. I think if you were going one way or the other for style you should have kept it uniform throughout the poem.
Entertainment value: 40% I liked the word usage and the way it actually made sense. Some poetry doesn't make any sense unless you read far too much into it and then it doesn't become entertaining any more. Yours is of an age old conflict and I liked it a lot.
Overall: 85% Very nice poetry and a very high grade for such a difficult task.
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 02:32 AM|
Wow, thanks man.
|Posted by: ND4 Jan 22 2009, 03:10 AM|
| Deadpool meets The Undead.
One dark and spooky day Wade Wlison or as he likes to be called Deadpool was just back from kiling Hannha Montana when he saw someone or something eating
Weasle. Dp:"Omg!! Its Nicole Richie!!" The something was then relveled as a zombie .Dp:"Ahha!! A zombie!! Thats even worse!!" The zombie then lunged at Deadpool who just pulled out a pistol and instead of quickly killing the zombie with a headshot Wade beat the zombie with the gun.
Wade was done reducing the first zombie's face to red paste when suddenly he heard moaning in the background. Dp:"Oh man did Nerdy leave my porn video on before Nicol- I mean this zombie killed him?" The moaning then showed it self coming from the now undead Weasel. Dp:"Hey Nerdy were you having a orgs ahhh!" Weasel yelled as he tried biting Wade. Wade:"Man I wonder what nerd's brains look like?" Bamm!! Weasel's brains were splattered all over Wade's kitchen.
Wade:"Glad thats done.Now back to ahhh!!Its its! Undead Britney Spears clones!!"
In reality the "Clones" were really more zombies. Wade:"Well I better get rid of them .But I got to make some popcorn first!"Wade then rushed to the kitchen .
Wade:"Cant have a good zombie fight without popcorn!" Wade then winks and the screen fades to black.
Well how did you like it dad?
|Posted by: ND4 Jan 22 2009, 03:31 AM|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 03:34 AM|
Well, it looks as if you wrote it in about five minutes. Do you really want me to review this? I really don't want to hurt your feelings if I don't need to...
|Posted by: ND4 Jan 22 2009, 03:36 AM|
Nah it took me 20 .I had to keep deleting and deleting before I got it right and sorry if its short.I dont have much time on my hands.Oh and yeah Its okay if you hurt my feelings.So go ahead and review.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 03:43 AM|
Okay, here it goes.
Flow: 10% I thought it was all over the place. I couldn't really tell what exactly was happening with out reading a sentence twice. You need to have understandable transitions from sentence to sentence, not random actions.
Spelling and Grammar: 5% There were abbreviations, spelling errors and grammar errors galore. I can't even begin to start naming any one thing because the whole thing was mistake after mistake.
Entertainment: 20% There was a funny spot here and there but it wasn't anything to cause me to actually laugh. The random celebrities made me go "huh?" Like I said, I liked some of it, but most was confusing and therefor not entertaining.
Overall: 35% I've seen far better than this from you. I would like to see you give me something that you've put more effort into. I know you have it in you to be better than what you've posted here because I've seen it. I hope this review helps you to see where you're lacking and where you can improve so we all can see the best of ND4.
|Posted by: ND4 Jan 22 2009, 03:45 AM|
Cool.Thanks.Well Dad if you really want to see the great genuis of Nd4 check my Solid Snake fight on CBUB .
|Posted by: ND4 Jan 22 2009, 03:50 AM|
|I take it Dad didnt like my new match .|
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 22 2009, 04:39 AM|
Poetry! Blegh. I don't accept poetry. Blegh.
|Posted by: Solomon Jan 22 2009, 11:11 AM|
Exactly why this isn't in your section wise guy.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 22 2009, 01:07 PM|
I didn't get a chance to check it out yet is all.
|Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 22 2009, 05:57 PM|
| Did ya ever grade Zant vs Mario?
Go grade that please, it's 2 big 2 post here....
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 23 2009, 04:29 AM|
| Zant vs Mario
Flow: 32% Excellent flow. It stumbled for an instant or two but near perfect flow to the story.
Spelling/Grammar: 15% I noticed quite a few spelling errors and some grammar problems. This was a long story however making them far and few between.
Entertainment: 40% I liked the story a lot. I thought it was quite original in concept and kept me reading with out boring too quickly. I thought it was quite entertaining.
Overall: 87% Very well written and thought out. A little long but good for being that long. Keep up the great writing!
|Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 23 2009, 02:36 PM|
My problem with spelling is word confusion. There are no spelling mistakes, just words used in wrong places.
I write "of" instead of "over" allot.... Don't know why....
Grammar ain't my thing.
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 23 2009, 03:11 PM|
Oh yeah. Good call.
|Posted by: wernidthe19 Jan 23 2009, 04:12 PM|
Got that right.
|Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 23 2009, 09:55 PM|
Shut up you!
|Posted by: darkender Jan 23 2009, 10:01 PM|
Aint is in the dictionary.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 23 2009, 10:15 PM|
Aint is not in the dictionary... but ain't is
|Posted by: darkender Jan 23 2009, 10:17 PM|
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 24 2009, 06:56 PM|
| Grano!! Your turn to grade me. This is just the beginning of a new one. This is just the beginning.
Punch and Judy!!
In an upscale condo somewhere in populous uptown, a young Asian woman clicks on a video recording device…
“Uh…hello. Yeah. Hi!” The beautiful brunette tosses her short hair out of her eyes and nervously continues. “So, this is my audition video for Our World: Uptown. By the way, love the show! Uh anyway, my name is Judy and I’m a bounty hunter. I know, this is Khazan and everybody here is a bounty hunter, superhero or some such. But, as you can see…” She turns on a techno track and begins to dance. “…none of them are as hot as me!” She dances around some more, tosses her hair out of her eyes and then returns to the video.
Abruptly, the door to her room burst off the hinges as a glowing fist follows. A striking blond enters. She is accompanied by blaring rap music as she quickly jumps in front of the video screen. Startled, Judy falls backwards. The blond begins to beat box. “Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years. Rockin’ my peers and putting suckas in fear.” The blond dances around and shakes her rear in front of the camera seductively. “Punch says knock you out! HUH! ” She begins screaming. “I’M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! HUH!” She then smiles and folds her arms in a dramatized hip hop pose. Kicking over the video camera onto the bed, she then turns to Judy. “…and I will.”
“Will what?” Judy says.
Knock you out! Ya dumb female dog. Now get off the floor and get yourself together. We’s got’s villains to catch!” She says as she over exaggerates a hillbilly accent. Judy picks herself up and straightens her hair. “You don’t have to be so rude you know.” The blond turns her head towards Judy and twists her face in a punk rock-like fashion. “Yes, I do. I’M PUNCH…BIIITCH! Now, have you seen baby? Where the Sexual Intercourse is baby?” As Judy checks the downed camera for breakage, Punch rummages through her room. “I haven’t seen her Punch. Could you please just…?” Judy jolts as the door slams and then falls to the ground wrecked.
Peacefully, Judy continues to set up her camera and fix her hair. As if Punch never entered, she continues to record. “That…was my disorderly partner, Punch. She’s a little abrasive, but I love her. Together, we are Punch and Judy: Bounty Hunters for Hire. I know it’s a little corny. Punch came up with it after one of our visits to some backward planet called Earth. She said it fit us well. I don’t get it, but whatever. So…uh…Oh. I know! You wanna hear about our trip to Earth.” She shakes the camera to nod in an agreeing fashion. “Cool, we were in a small town called New York after a villain by the name of Groovius Maximus…”
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 24 2009, 11:35 PM|
Flow: 29% I don't know, I thought it was choppy at times so far. I think it's just because it's so rough though.
Grammar/spelling: 19% You missed a quotation mark lol
Entertainment: 37% It had a funny part or two in there but other than that it's rather bland so far.
Overall: 85% Pretty good for a rough draft. It has plenty of potential and I'm looking foward to seeing what you do with this.
|Posted by: Ethan Jan 24 2009, 11:41 PM|
| hey, grano, could you check out something I'm working........
The demon rose out of the shadows, the dark sky streaking with furious lightning, it growled at the unknown swordsman. Blades at the ready, the samurai shifts into his usual stance, ready for combat with his new advesary. The demon stares at the man standing before him, wondering why he draws his sword instead of fleeing for his life. Before the swordsman could make his move, the demon howl, charging with its massive claws at the ready to rend the man limb from limb. Untaken by surprise, the swordsman shifted his balance and weight towards the front of his body and raised his twin blades up to meet the rampaging beast. As they clashed into each other, the sky claps with thunder, they do battle. As the demon swiped at the swordsman, he blocks with one blade, thrusting the other at the creature. The demon not easily tricked, dodges the attempt, it then grips the blade in one deft swift movement. Acting quickly, the blade is torn from its user's hand and thrown aside. The captured blade still beholden by the monster's other hand, the sword master releases it, pushing it forward, sending the enemy toppling onto the ground. The warrior quickly jumps to the deposited katana, rolling as he lands grabbing it, he twists around to face his foe.
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 24 2009, 11:49 PM|
I'm not going to grade this in my usual fassion because it's so short. However, I will comment that I loved it's imagery. There was an awkward word or two but overall, this has great potential. Lets see you run with it
|Posted by: Ethan Jan 25 2009, 12:07 AM|
alright, thanks, I just wanted to see if it was any good....and um, could you tell me which words were awkward, please?
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 25 2009, 01:20 AM|
I think the majority of the problems was the use of past and present tense in sentences. You need to stick to one or the other to avoid an awkward sentence.
Hope that helps
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 25 2009, 03:30 AM|
I'm hoping to up the entertainment value in the powers section. So, I'll post the rest soon. Thanks Grano.
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 25 2009, 03:17 PM|
| Here's the rest. It's pretty long and it's still got a paragraph or two before I'm finished. I don't know if I like it. It's kinda different for me. Anyway, curse words are censored. I'm thinking about changing their powers from being natural to giving them some sort of powered suits. Making them Cyberware kits. Tell me what you think. Be honest.
In an upscale condo somewhere in populous uptown, a young Asian woman clicks on a video recording device…
“Uh…hello. Yeah. Hi!” The beautiful brunette tosses her short hair out of her eyes and nervously continues. “So, this is my audition video for Our World: Uptown. By the way, love the show! Uh anyway, my name is Judi Nekketsu. Nekketsu means hot-blooded, but which is totally not me. However, I am a bounty hunter. I know, this is Khazan and everybody here is a bounty hunter, superhero or some such. But, as you can see…” She turns on a techno track and begins to dance. “…none of them are as hot as me!” She dances around some more, tosses her hair out of her eyes and then returns to the video.
Abruptly, the door to her room burst off the hinges and a fist follows. A striking blond enters. She is accompanied by blaring rap music as she quickly jumps in front of the video screen. Startled, Judi falls backwards. The blond begins to beat box. “Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years. Rockin’ my peers and putting suckas in fear.” The blond dances around and shakes her rear in front of the camera seductively. “Punch says knock you out! HUH! ” She begins screaming. “I’M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! HUH!” She then smiles and folds her arms in a dramatized hip hop pose. Kicking over the video camera onto the bed, she then turns to Judy. “…and I will.”
“Will what?” Judy says.
Knock you out! Ya dumb female dog. Now get off the floor and get yourself together. We’s got’s villains to catch!” She says as she over exaggerates a hillbilly accent. Judi picks herself up and straightens her hair. “You’re the devil. You don’t have to be so rude you know.” The blond turns her head towards Judi and twists her face in a punk rock-like fashion. “Yes, I do. I’M PUNCH…BIIITCH! Now get the baby and get ready? Where the Sexual Intercourse is the baby?” As Judy checks the downed camera for breakage, Punch rummages through her room. “I haven’t seen her Punch, but I’ll get her. Could you please just…?” Judy jolts as the door slams and then falls to the ground wrecked.
Peacefully, Judi continues to set up her camera and fix her hair. As if Punch never entered, she continues to record. “That…was my disorderly partner, Punch. She’s a little abrasive, but I love her. Together, we are Punch and Judy: Bounty Hunters for Hire. I know it’s a little corny. Punch came up with it after one of our visits to some backward planet called Earth. She said it fits us well. I don’t get it, but whatever. So…uh…Oh. I know! You wanna hear about our trip to Earth.” She shakes the camera to nod in an agreeing fashion. “Cool, glad you agree.”
Energy Absorption (Standard):
New York: the distant past.
It’s a cold windy night. It’s the kind of wind that chills to the bone. Outside one of the many nightclubs, Punch and Judi wait impatiently in line to enter…
“HURRY UP!!” Punch screams loudly at the doorman. Next to the sound of the club music and the commotion of the crowd, even Punch’s booming voice is quieted. “Hey big boy, you got nuts and I know how to kick…HURRY UP! I’m freezing my V-J J off out here.” Judi grabs her shoulder and tries to pacify the angered woman. “You’re a real devil. Settle down. Don’t you want to get in.” Punch continues yelling profanities. “Punch! Punch! Calm down. Here read over the dossier again; we must be ready for this guy when we get in there.” Punch yanks the holographic monitor from Judi and types in an access code. A file comes up for Groovius Maximus. Punch looks bewildered. “What a stupid name?” She says and continues reading…
Reavers file Log A4:
Name: Groovius Maximus
File 0010: Groovious Maximus is a dimensionally famous DJ. His legions of followers have made him a household name. However, there is much more to this DJ than just music. Wherever Groovius performs a trail of missing people soon appear. Among these missing people is the son of Khazanian business man, Mr. Clatue. Therefore, you are being hired to find Clatue’s son. He was last seen visiting Earth city-state New York. Please see File 0015 for further details.
“Okay, that’s about enough of that! My heads starting to hurt from all that reading.” Judi looks confused. “What are you doing? We can’t go in unprepared. What are his powers? Who’s Mister Clatue? Wha…?” Punch responds by smacking Judi in the head. Finally, the girls make it to the doorman. The steady thump of a hypnotic bassline can be heard inside the club. Judi starts swaying to the beat completely forgetting her past disenchantment. “Next.” Says the doorman. CRACK! With one punch the doorman is out. “Next time hurry up! It’s freezing out here ya pansy!” Punch steps over the doorman. A spellbinded Judi follows, still dancing. A crowd of people take advantage of the situation and storm through the doorway.
Once inside, Punch and Judi are amazed at what they see. An entire sea of people all dancing in one accord. Everyone is on the same beat influenced by the sound. One solitary DJ plays above the crowd. With headphones on, he seems unconscious to everything but the call of the music. Judi can’t help herself. She becomes pulled into the sound and leaps into the mob. Seemingly unaffected, Punch grumbles as she watches her partner disappear in the masses. “Oh what the Sexual Intercourse! Seriously Judi? Come on? What the hell is that noise anyway?” She shouts. From somewhere in the crowd. “It’s trance. Isn’t it great!” Punch walks off and shakes her head in disgust. “No.”
Meanwhile, Judi dances her way to the center of the dancefloor. Her body is completely in tune with the motion of the room. Her mind starts to draw a blank. All she knows is the sound of the rhythm, but something is wrong. Sweat begins to bead on her forehead. She knows this feeling. There is an energy in the air. Judi not only feels it, but absorbs it. Born with the ability to drain ambient energy, Judi feels an unnatural power in the room. It is part of the reason she was taken in as an orphan, trained and coupled with Punch. It is the secret to their strength, yet right now…it is too much.
“Punch!” Judi yells. “Punch!” She screams with no gain. The song is too much. The crowd is too loud. Her mind begins to swim in pain as she continues to absorb the baffling energy source. She sweats profusely, while bumping into people. Until suddenly, she bumps into a beautiful woman with dark features. The woman grabs her, smiles coyly and continues to dance. Judi dances with her in a drunken state. Suddenly, a body collapse on the floor. Another. And another. Until finally, dozens of bodies have fallen…dead. Judi notices that one of the dancers is the son of Clatue. He seems completely stupefied; caught in the mesmerizing wave. Judi’s attention is drawn away as the dark woman grabs her close.
Judi herself is barely standing when out of the blue, Punch lunges from the crowd and slams into the dancing duo. “Hands off my female dog! female dog!” The dark haired woman falls hard. The music skips and the DJ stops completely looking to the dance floor. The crowd all stumbles as if they were the sound itself. “CLEO!” He screams. She picks herself up and runs to the DJ booth. Whispering something in his ear, he continues the music with a smile. A heavier sound. The crowd leaps back into motion.
“Help me Punch.” Judi says with great effort. “You’re going to be alright, Judi. While you were over here playing Cinderella, I read the rest of the dossier. As you’ve seen for yourself, the perp has a woman. Turns out they work together. Some weirdoes by the name of Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. They kill people, Judi. With this music they kill people.” Punch looks down and Judi is nodding her head to the beat again. “It’s the music Judi…It’s causing the people…Oh nevermind.” Judi grabs Punch by the collar and pulls her close. “Shut the Sexual Intercourse up and let’s do this.” Punch smiles an evil grin. “That’s my girl. I’ve been waiting for that.”
Bashing attack (standard):
Punch picks up Judi to her feet and hands her a wooden kendo stick. “I found the baby!” Judi smiles. “Now…Spank me mama!”
Kinetic absorption (standard):
Judi still dancing, grabs the stick. The DJ and his mistress look on perplexed. In the middle of the dancefloor, Judi begins to crack the kendo stick against the back of Punch. Stranger still, Punch seems to enjoy it. Whack! “Harder female dog!” Whack! “Is that all you got!” Marc and Cleo stare in odd fascination as Judi pounds away on the back of Punch. So peculiar is it, that Marc has actually let the music play on auto in order to watch the spectacle. Unprecedented. With her last fit of strength, Judi releases all the built up energy stored within her and crumples to the floor. Punch’s fist body begins to writhe. Her fist clench tightly. She looks down at her fallen comrade, who smiles back weakly. “Huzzah, I love when I get to beat the devil. Now, go get em tiger.”
“RRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!” Muscles bulging, Punch lunges forward in pure rage. In one humongous punch, she shatters the DJ booth to splinters. Anthony and Cleo are knocked clear to the floor. Still empowered, Punch charges forward again. The duo dart away with a furious Punch in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, the enthralled assembly begins to shake the cobwebs loose. Anthony and Cleo act quick and separate into two directions. Blinded by rage, Punch follows the bigger of the two. Elsewhere, Cleo runs up to a sound room and quickly inserts a CD. One of Anthony’s many recorded sessions begins to play. The crowd is caught in the throngs of the reverberation once again. The dozens dead that previously fell begin to rise and dance again.
Simultaneously, Anthony managed to duck away from Punch and join Cleo in the booth. Still fuming with a blind frenzy, Punch tore apart everything in her path until… “Punch. Punch…Knock it off.” With a clarity, Punch turned to see her partner back up on her feet. Snapping out of her madness, she runs over and embraces her friend. “Get the Sexual Intercourse off me you female dog!” She says shoving Judi away. “WHAT!?” Judi yells. “Stop yelling. I’m right next to you.”
“WHAT? THIS IS NO TIME TO BE THINKING ABOUT SEX! WE GOTTA GET THOSE TWO!”
“What? What the hell is wrong with you? What is that in your ea…oh. I see. You stuffed your ears. Smart.”
Martial Supremacy (Standard):
“Nevermind.” Punch replies. “HOW IS THIS NOT AFFECTING YOU? HOW ARE YOU…?” Punch slaps her hands over Judi’s mouth. “This. Music. Sucks. I like it hard, but you know that.” Moving her hand, the two walk back to the dancefloor only to notice the music has changed. While the majority of the crowd continue to dance, the dozen undead dancers are all staring coldly at the pair. As they move to the music, they mimic every step of their adversaries daring them to come closer. “Looks like we got’s us a fight!” Punch says in her hillbilly voice again. “I SAID NO SEX TONIGHT!” Judi returns. Punch lowers her head in embarrassment. To best utilize her abilities, Punch was trained in various pugilist styles. She assumes a kickboxing stance.
Seeing this, Judi looks out to the masses and see the glaring faces. Finally getting it, she pulls out her kendo stick and assumes one of her many Kenjutsu stances. With the earplugs in, Judi absorbs the ambient energy at a slower rate. Her strength rises at a controllable pace. This time Punch stays close in order to provide the perfect release if the vigor of the sound becomes too great.
Martial Arts (standard):
“Follow my lead.” Punch says. Judi responds with a sudden crack on the back of her partner. “OW! What tha Sexual Intercourse?” Judi looks away sheepishly seeing the anger in Punches eyes. “Sorry, I thought you said spank me?” Punch growls and leaps forward. She begins to slam dance against the pack. She slowly absorbs the kinetic energy of the wild movement as she dodges and weaves her attackers. Judi follows suit and rallies onward. The two fight; becoming one with the tempo, rising and falling with the bassline, using the atmosphere and rhythm to their advantage to defeat their opposition. Oblivious to the fact that Marc and Cleo have long left the building. Within minutes the undead dancers have fallen. The pair look on satisfied until they notice the booth is empty.
To be continued (but it shouldn't be much longer--like two paragraphs perhaps)...
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 25 2009, 09:25 PM|
| Flow: 33% The beginning was a little slow, but it really took off from there.
Grammar/spelling: 20% Looked good to me!
Entertainment: 40% I thoroughly enjoyed the story. It definately had a different feel to it but it worked for you.
Overall; 93% Great!
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 25 2009, 10:09 PM|
|and the bad...?|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 26 2009, 12:39 AM|
The bad? I don't know...
I thought it was already more entertaining than 90% of everything on the FPL... And I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors to speak of...
I didn't really see anything bad or I wouldn't have given a 92% lol
|Posted by: Ethan Jan 29 2009, 09:31 PM|
| Samurai of Chaos
The demon rose out of the shadows, the dark sky streaking with furious lightning, it growled at the unknown swordsman. Blades at the ready, the samurai shifts into his usual stance, ready for combat with his new advesary. The demon stares at the man standing before him, wondering why he draws his sword instead of fleeing for his life. Before the swordsman could make his move, the demon howled, charging with its massive claws at the ready to rend the man limb from limb. unsurprised, the swordsman shifted his balance and weight towards the front of his body and raised his twin blades up to meet the rampaging beast. As they clash into each other, the sky clapping with thunder, they do battle. As the demon swiped at the swordsman, he blocked with one blade, thrusting the other at the creature. The demon not easily tricked, dodges the attempt, it then grips the blade in one deft swift movement. Acting quickly, the blade is torn from its user's hand and thrown aside. The samurai attempts to slash the monster with his last blade, but it too is caught.The captured blade still held by the monster's other hand, the sword master releases it, pushing it forward, sending his enemy toppling onto the ground. The warrior quickly jumps to the deposited katana, rolling as he lands grabbing it, he twists around to face his foe. The demon unfazed by what had just happened to him, was impresed with the mysterious fighter. The unknown man prepared to be attacked by the evil being, holding his foreign sword up in a samurai fashion. The demon attacks with unrelenting fury, giving no quarter to the struggling sword fighter, who is desperately trying to block all strikes. As two-thirds of the relentless blows are blocked, the rest meets their target, reducing the swordsman's armor to shreds. The battle wages on for awhile, neither giving the other an inch in the fight. As the demon struck a blow against the last layer of the armor via fist, the sword master is sent careening. He lands atop of his lost katana, whereas the demon had it before being thrown aback earlier, he grabs it. Feeling a revived sense of hope, he smiles getting up, confident that he would leave the battle as the victor and alive. The entity of darkness pondered why this man would not stay down, much less roll over and die, it roared and charged once more. Fueled by his instincts of survival and his love of battle, the samurai gripped his twin katanas tighter.
Here, I added some more on, how is it so far?
|Posted by: treacherous Jan 31 2009, 07:07 AM|
|Hey, you and SW need to get on your gradings.|
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 31 2009, 03:33 PM|
Yes, I just now noticed that. Sorry Ethan.
I'll get to reading it later, after I've woken up. (Night shifter's gotta sleep )
|Posted by: granobulax Jan 31 2009, 09:57 PM|
It's improved but there is still some past/present tense conflict. I like where this story is going
|Posted by: Solomon Feb 4 2009, 09:06 PM|
|You've reviewed the first chapter of Gondra... Have you reviewed chapter two yet?|
|Posted by: Ethan Feb 10 2009, 11:15 PM|
| Samurai of Chaos
They collide, engaging in battle once more, the samurai having upped the ante with his retrieved katana. Finally having a chance to strike a wound upon this infernal beast, the warrior fights hard. He then thrusts one katana into the belly of his opponent, who parries, whilst he stabs the other through the monster's clawed hand. The demon roars, andrenaline boosting its strength, it lifts the blade still in its hand, along with the warrior hanging on to it. Taking the chance, the swordsman twists said stuck blade, inflicting more pain, and stabs the remaining free sword into the monster's right arm. Again, the beast howls in pain as it starts dancing in agony, trying to throw off the pest that stabbed it. Somehow, through pure, sheer force of will, the warrior hanged on as if it was for his life. As the furious behemoth continued raging about, the sword fighter took the oppoturnity to retrieve his sword stuck in the arm. He does so and replaces it in another area of the creature, its chest, thrusting the blade into the ribcage, barely missing vitals organs. The beast renewed with fury, starts shaking violently with such savagery, the warrior and his two blades are flunged from the body of the monster. The demon enraged at of what its foe had done to it, this being attacked with resolve that made it seem timid before. His blows upon the warrior left gashes all over his body, bleeding severely, the swordsman knew he had to finish this quick.
here, I posted the finished personality....I'll list possible powers......later.
|Posted by: granobulax Feb 11 2009, 06:26 PM|
|Sorry guys, Grano's grades will be out of service for a little while. I really only have a few minutes a day to post on here. I shall return bigger and better than ever as soon as this college stuff slows down or is over.|
|Posted by: treacherous Feb 11 2009, 06:52 PM|
|Posted by: Bloody_Freak Feb 13 2009, 01:23 AM|
Hey whoa, that was amazing! How did you come up with that?!
You should make more, or maybe an FPL character in a poem format?
I changed some of the spelling errors, there was a few... Also, some things didn't er, rhyme? So I tried to fix those as well.
Sorry if I ruined it. XD
|Posted by: Solomon Feb 13 2009, 01:30 AM|
Thanks bloody. I should've known that some of my words were mispelled.
Also, I used different rhyming patterns throughout the poem.
|Posted by: Bloody_Freak Feb 13 2009, 02:52 AM|
I like the ones that rhyme on the next line.
The other other ones confuse me.
|Posted by: Solomon Feb 18 2009, 01:29 AM|
| The Tragedy of Bruce Thompson (Bio, Personality, and First Power):
“Sir I can assure you that our services are well worth your contributions. Yes sir, I believe so sir. No sir, you will receive only the finest from us. Yes sir Thank you sir.”
With that last statement Bruce set the phone down with a gentle click. He let out a long sigh as he rubbed his weathered hands over the wiry gray hairs of his shaved head. His scratched, and beaten hardhat rested on a tower of unfinished paper work, sprinkled with a weeks worth of dust, and grime. The office wasn’t much to look at, the dull unfinished wooden floor creaked with every step, and there was room for anything but, a small rickety desk that could have been made by the careless of builders. Bruce didn’t seem to mind though it was the only way that he could finish his job, without having it take the next twelve years of his life.
A few days ago, Bruce met with a very powerful, and perhaps the most dangerous being in Khazan, Mr. Graves. He had heard stories of Mr. Graves’ ventures; how he slaughtered hundreds for the HCE, or his supposed conquest throughout Khazan. However Bruce didn’t have time to follow the advice of old storytellers, and children’s rhymes , there was a multi-billion dollar profit to be made. It had been a very one-sided meeting as Bruce recalls, where Mr. Graves made all of the choices, while he just assured him that investing in Thompson Construction was a smart move.
Prior to the meeting, Bruce wasn’t expecting much. He simply figured that it would be the same type of project as it was with any wealthy individual: a small summer home in the mountains, or another office building. Unfortunately, the build had caused him countless headaches over the past six months. Mr. Graves had demanded a multi-billion dollar military compound. Why? It didn’t matter. Bruce knew better than to question the motives of someone who was willing to pay such a large sum of money.
It wasn’t the size of the build, nor the required secrecy from the Khazanian government that had caused him so much stressed, but the constant interruptions made by Mr. Graves, and those under his jurisdiction. It seemed like whenever his men would get a job done, Graves was there to implement a change, he was a perfectionist in all it’s forms. Nothing seemed to please him; he could always see a mistake…a flaw in their build. Six months, and they had only completed two weeks worth of work. Bruce had lost over a dozen men in that time, and the company was suffering. He couldn’t really blame them for leaving, seeing as that he hadn’t paid them in a month. How could he? The company had been bankrupt for nearly 3 months. Bruce just promised them triple pay whenever someone would ask. At the moment it seemed to be keeping people happy, but he knew that would come back to get him.
Bruce stood up slowly, and let out a long yawn as he stretched his sore arms. He took a look around the office; it had been his home for the past half-year. Bruce hadn’t seen his family, in a long time. That’s what hurt him the most; he missed Haylie, and the girls. He missed the late nights watching movies; he missed the laughter… he missed the hugs…the love. This was for them though. Every time he put on his hard hat, or hammered in a nail he imagined how happy his girls would be when he brought home more money than their little heads could imagine. When he finished, the girls would come running to him with big smiles, and tell him how much he loved him. Then Haylie would hold him in her arms, and everything would be all right. They would watch the girls play as they sipped lemonade from the porch of their mansion. They’d grow old together forever walking hand in hand.
Sayash (Environmental Awareness)
Bruce took out a reddish-brown bowl from a drawer, and placed it in front of him. The pot was filled with round golden leaves. Bruce paused for a moment as he slowly traced the door to his office, before reaching into his desk for a second time. “Just a bit, then I’ll get rid of it,” he mumbled as he pulled out a small white stone. Taking the stone he began to grind the leaves until they were a pile a pile of golden flakes. Bruce stopped for a moment, as a grin began to form on his lips. “Sayash.” He had spoken under his breath, barely even a whisper. It was doubtful that any mortal being could have heard the ancient word he had heard years ago on the Amazon River. For a few seconds nothing happened, and then a small streak of smoke rose up above the grinded leaves. Bruce slid closer to the bowl, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply. It wasn’t long before the entire room was filled with purple-tinted smoke, and his mind began to free itself. The walls began to pulse, as he felt his muscles relax. A feeling of calmness came over him; his head was slowly rocky drifting from side to side. Then his senses began to intensify. He could smell the scent of coffee that had been spilled weeks ago, he could taste the stench of his work boots, he could see the breath of his men as they told him that it was all over.
|Posted by: granobulax Feb 18 2009, 01:32 AM|
|Solomon, I was just about to get off here. I'll check it out when I get a few more spare minutes.|
|Posted by: Solomon Feb 18 2009, 01:47 AM|
Alright then. I'll see you in a couple of years then.
|Posted by: VG_Addict Feb 18 2009, 01:49 AM|
|Posted by: granobulax Feb 18 2009, 05:51 AM|
"He let out a long sigh as he rubbed his weathered hands over the wiry gray hairs of his shaved head."
If his head is shaved, how is his hair wiry?
"His scratched, and beaten hardhat rested on a tower of unfinished paper work, sprinkled with a weeks worth of dust, and grime."
Unnecessary coma usage. In fact, I'm noticing a lot of unnecessary coma's. I don't have the time to list them all.
"It wasn’t the size of the build, nor the required secrecy from the Khazanian government that had caused him so much stressed, but the constant interruptions made by Mr. Graves, and those under his jurisdiction."
Caused him so much stress? Caused him to become so stressed? Needs to be re-worded.
There were other minor errors, but I think you'll be fixing these small problems when you revise this rough draft.
As far as the idea goes, I'd have to say it started off kinda... meh... I don't know where this story is going and it's kind of on the boring side. You're already to the powers, well into the powers, and there has been no action whatsoever.
Here's my grades:
Flow: 25. It needs better direction in my opinion. More focus.
Grammar and Spelling: 15. Lots of coma's that weren't needed as well as other grammar errors.
Entertainment value: 25. Like I said, needs some action. Kinda boring so far.
Total: 65. So-so
I hope it picks up a little bit. You seemed quite rushed while writing this one. I want to see the finished product so I can do this again after you've done another draft or two.
|Posted by: Solomon Feb 18 2009, 11:18 AM|
|Alright, thanks for the criticism. I'll get to work on it.|
|Posted by: Solomon Feb 18 2009, 08:00 PM|
| I realized my problem. I was basing the concept of the character off of his powers not his actual story....
|Posted by: Jailer411 Mar 1 2009, 04:17 AM|
| Mind: Supreme
The night was like any other in this small desolate desert. The sky was dark, the moon glowed alit, but the winds, the winds were the worst part. The usual gusts of the night moved the sand, blowing it, making it dance in different directions, leaping through the air as graceful as any dancer, but it always seemed to find away to reach your face, to sting your eyes. Every inhabitant of the desert would eventually learn of ways to avoid it, if there were any left. Marique was the only one left, as intended on his behalf. He stood outside, waiting, waiting for something that would never come, until the winds got strong enough to pick him off the ground, as if it had the essence of a tornado. He silently made his way back to quarters, thinking to himself, about the fact that the emptiness of his heart could only be, and only ever will be, rivaled by the emptiness of the desert itself, but not for the trivial reasons that only the uncreative could think of, such as heart break.
To put it simply, Marique wasn’t exactly alive, but he was in a sense. There was no blood running through his veins, and yet there was. If you cut him, he wouldn’t feel pain, but yet he would. It was a tragic life, and an often misunderstood one, to live in the body of the very personification of evil, bound to the desert by some unknown force, vey tragic indeed.
As he sat, he thought, and the more he thought, the more he cried. Even if the tears weren’t falling from his eyes, he still found a way to release them. Bit by bit, piece by piece, he would fall deeper and deeper into the heavenly trance of sleep. The peacefulness of the beginning stages of sleep somewhat soothed him, but the actual land of slumber, was a living hell. He had no control, no affect as he did in reality. This was his own personal hell, the fact that nothing he could do would amount to anything. Of course, this was also true for the physical realm, but the truth was easier to avoid their by not thinking of it. Dreams were different for him; they were filled with thinking, making it impossible for him to not avoid the truth. It might as well of been literally tearing him inside out. “Why?” you might ask. Well, Marique wasn't sure himself.
Personality: He could not be understood, for the fact that he didn’t want to be understood. There was no point of it, simply because he was alone. In fact, even when he was around others, he was the only one who ever understood him self. Eventually, it turned into a game for him. One by one, everybody that supposedly “knew him”, managed to prove how much they didn’t know about him, and with every inaccurate guess, he found more reason to detach himself from society.
Force field: Me, Myself, and I
Pain, that was all Marique felt as he awoke. His house was being torn from the ground, making Marique’s body fly madly around it. “What could be happening?” that was all he was capable of thinking at the moment. Suddenly, the wall that Marique had just hit, gave away. Up he went, being carried by a storm of dust. The debris of sand and gravel were moving at speeds that could cut skin. Thinking quickly, Marique maneuvered towards a piece of wall that came off earlier. He was already hurt, and was being steadily blinded by the sand storm. Once on the wall, he held on, and setup a force field. Marique had always been able to think on his feet, but he never had any need for it. The desert was a safe place for him, but now something had happened. The only home he knew was destroyed, but that wasn’t a problem. The force field was breaking, and the sand storm was stopping, while he was still hundreds of feet in air.
Gravity: My own force
The fall should have killed him, but it hadn’t. He couldn’t understand, his force field had been broken, and yet he was still alive. All of this was in a relative sense though, to him, living didn’t mean having a beating heart, and death meant to not be able to make actions in the physical world. Then, he realized what was happening. This revelation was due to the fact that there he was in a, some-what large creator.
He had been able to reverse gravity, a power he didn’t have before, this lead to another startling revelation that the storm wasn’t caused by nature. “Damn him” he silently cursed to himself, but he was also smiling, a thing he hadn’t done in a long time. For you to get this, I would have to explain the source of Marique’s power. Marique lead a normal life, normal compared to what he was going through right now. When Marique was a child, he was seen as a threat to the Polemarch. The Polemarch was the leader of the territory Marique lived in, and he got that way be being surrounded by fools, but it became apparent that Marique wasn’t one of them. He realized, that when Marique grew older, he could challenge the Polemarch for supremacy, a challenge that could only be resolved by dulling, and the Polemarch didn’t like that. He couldn’t kill this little boy, so he sent him to exile.
Marique couldn't stop the Polemarch, but he wouldn’t keep quite about this, so he struck a deal with the Polemarch. He would leave willingly into the uncharted desert, only if he got the power of making force fields, and he was granted his own land there. The Polemarch agreed and so it would be.
Radar: This new land
It was obvious to Marique, that the Polemarch had exploited a loop hole. He was sending more people to Marique’s land, and he was compensating by sending Marique into a new land, and giving him more powers. The only reason that Marique was smiling, was because he thought that this would be interesting. That was something Marique needed, in this boring desert.
This land was new, and Marique was dreadfully lost. Even for his quickness, finding his way back would be hard. He would make the Polemarch pay for crossing him, but his first priority was going back to his land. This would have to be delayed, because the ground beneath Marique was shaking. The desert floor was tearing, and threatened to engulf Marique. It was a simple matter to doge the tears in the ground. “Is the Polemarch trying to kill me?” he thought to himself, but then it was apparent that he was getting closer to his land. This was a boundary, trying to keep him from exiting this area, but there had to be more, for this was too easy. His question had been answered when walls started to rise from the crocks in the ground. Marique had lost hope, for he was in a maze. He could try using the power of gravity that saved his life, but it wasn’t working. He suspected as much, it took a while for him to learn how to use his force fields. It seemed that the powers came and went as they pleased.
As said before, hope was lost, until his field of vision grew. “Was this a new found power?” but he already knew the answer. The Polemarch was obviously in a hurry to send more people to exile. He had given Marique the power to find his way back.
Smoke screen: You won’t leave, and you shall suffer.
The maze had been easy to maneuver, but it took some time. He was finally out, but still not in his land. The trek took days, and Marique had to survive with the little resources he had, such as obtaining water from cacti, but surprisingly, he had made it. His little piece of dry desert land had not changed much, if you exclude the destruction of area around his house, but nevertheless, he was home. He couldn’t stop his anger from rising, once he reached where his house once was. The Polemarch had destroyed it, all in a failed attempt to get Marique to leave.
That’s when Marique noticed a figure surveying the wreckage of Marique’s house. This person was obviously the person sent to exile. Marique had decided, he will kill this intruder. Besides, he was the only none criminal to be sent to exile. He would be doing himself a favor. All of a sudden, the stranger took notice of Marique, and pushed him back, using a power similar to Marique’s new one.
Marique wasn’t dumb; he had realized that the powers he had gotten, were meant for this stranger, and were accidently copied to him as well. The Polemarch had meant to completely disobey the pact he made with Marique. Marique’s anger rose, and with it, so did his body temperature. Steam was surrounding his body, and quickly enveloped his foe. Marique knew better than to wonder about this new power, he was used to it, and he took the advantage to sneak up behind this stranger. With one swift blow, Marique knew it was over, his opponent’s neck was snapped. The mist cleared, as he realized that he had killed the Polemarch.
What Marique did not know, was that a new Polemarch had taken over, and made the old Polemarch retrieve Marique, to undo the crime that was done. Marique was sent to the new land; because the new Polemarch couldn’t have two people in exile own the same land, even for a while. The new Polemarch’s plan was to get Marique back, and put the old Polemarch in Marique’s place. Marique had destroyed the thing he was waiting for, the chance to leave.
|Posted by: granobulax Mar 1 2009, 04:02 PM|
Flow: 25% It started out slow and by the end the story was fast as hell. It needs to be more consistant.
Grammar and spelling: 15% There were some misspelled words and a whole lot of unnecessary comas. Try to find those when you do another draft.
Entertainment value: 20% The story was just too inconsistent with it's voice. In the beginning you made the voice sound abstract in a way and by the end you were just telling what was going on. The style of writing should be fluent throughout the piece. The ending was also very anticlimactic. Spice up the ending with perhaps a little more action. I would also like to hear into the mind of Marique a bit more to understand his feelings of being exhiled, ect.
Overall: 60% So-so
I think this one has plenty of potential. You seem to be well on your way to becoming a very good writer. Try not to over use the same words over and over again. Read your work again, you'll see them.
Give this a look over, have treach read it, and then post it on the EF under FPL analysis.
Honestly, I don't see this character having a chance at the Hall of Fame, but I think if you take the necessary steps, you might get a couple of wins under your belt with this character.
Most importantly, keep writing. You'll get better with time. I've got plenty of faith that we'll see great stories from you to come.
|Posted by: Jailer411 Mar 1 2009, 04:56 PM|
Thanks Grano, but I won't be using this character, because Landon shot it down.
I'm working on a new one.
|Posted by: nicker Mar 1 2009, 05:24 PM|
| Hey Dad my big brother really wants your opioin on this story he made for me in Word.
Roy vs. Ghostface :Blood bath!
Roy Burns had been stalking though the woods waiting for his next kill to come to him but then one day
a certain women came to camp. Roy studied her name tag and found out it was Sidney. Roy didn’t know why he had taken a interest in this consoler because she was just another fool for Roy to kill but somehow something stopped Roy from killing her. Then it was night and Roy had snuck into Sidney’s room while the girl was sleeping and Roy was shocked when he found out why he didn’t kill the girl. “She she looks just like Amy!!” Roy for once in his life deiced instead of killing swore to protect Sidney at all costs. Roy then saw Sidney slowly opening her eyes so Roy disappeared.
Sidney had sworn she had heard something but she just ignored it and went back to sleep. Roy blushed as he stood in the woods. Roy then went back to the forest. Then one night Roy heard screaming coming from Sidney’s cabin and he rushed to the camp. Roy was shocked to know that there were dead bodies everywhere and it was his fault for once. Roy then heard Sidney say “No! Leave me alone! Roy!”
Roy then realized that Sidney was not asleep when he was in her room. Roy then glared at the ghost face wearing fool that was trying to hurt Sidney. Roy picked up his machete and with pure hate in his hollow eyes walked into Sidney’s cabin. Boom! Went the door as it flung off its hinges. Sidney was the floor staring at Roy with pure fear in her expression. “Well well looks like we got a goalie trying to be the ahhh!!!” Ghost face yelped as Roy punched Ghost face though a window. Sidney gave Roy a kiss on the mask and ran away to find help. Roy” Hey Ghost men get up so I can beat you back you down.”
Ghostface who had blood seeping down his mask flicked Roy off and charged at him.
So who wins?
|Posted by: granobulax Mar 1 2009, 11:26 PM|
It's nice for the CBUB. I know you wrote it though nicker. Anyways, there are grammar and spelling mistakes, but you're doing less of them.
I would comment on who wins, but I've never seen either movie/s.
|Posted by: nicker Mar 2 2009, 05:12 AM|
No I didnt.
|Posted by: granobulax Mar 2 2009, 02:46 PM|
Then your brother writes exactly like you.
|Posted by: treacherous Mar 2 2009, 03:49 PM|
|Posted by: Solomon Mar 2 2009, 10:43 PM|
LIAR!!!! FRYAR!!!!! TIRE!!!!!
|Posted by: Pseudonym Mar 2 2009, 10:52 PM|
Expire, Desire, Combustion! I mean FIRE
|Posted by: granobulax Mar 3 2009, 12:50 AM|
|Since when did my grades topic become a random thread?|
|Posted by: Darkender Mar 3 2009, 12:52 AM|
Oh my God, the infection is spreading...
|Posted by: Solomon Mar 3 2009, 01:39 AM|
I topic by you= a random thread.