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Haven Of Wiidom > Members' Zones > CBUB or FPL ideas


Posted by: treacherous Jan 9 2009, 03:46 AM
Want to make a CBUB match or an FPL character? Want it reviewed before you do? Afraid of having the EF guys bash your FPL character to death (I'll bash it, but I'll pick you back up)? Want your CBUB match to rock? Throw it here first. I (and others I'm sure) will give you criticism. Anytime you're not sure about grammar, concept, originality, stupidity or whatever, just drop it here.

BY THE WAY, ANYBODY CAN REVIEW ANYBODY ELSE HERE. It's an open review section.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 04:04 AM
This made cuz of me? huh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 03:37 PM
No, I get those request a lot. Just thought I'd make it public.

Posted by: darkender Jan 10 2009, 04:43 PM
I would put my grade up here and embarrass you Trech, but I'm not that mean.

Thats why I don't make matches anymore. Going around and saying people suck and then attempting to do a match doesn't leave you with a good grade.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 05:04 PM
Hey, I wrote this one a month or two ago, who wants to take a crack at it... There were so many mistakes that I just gave up. >.<

Also, August is going to rip me apart on the length. >.<

..........................................

[After Link Vs Kefka]

Zelda’s blood stained quarters exploded in an epic battle of swordplay, neither side giving any footing. The dark clown Kefka leaped around the room like a drunken banshee, his blade flashed through the wind in a gleaming streak of light. The hero of time did his best holding off the insane clown, and with his shield he battered the strikes aside. Balls of fire flew from Kefka’s palm, all of which were deflected against the master sword and thrown into various parts of the room - the room was aflame in moments. The smoke caused Link’s eyes to burn, and he coughed as his lunges were filled with it. Kefka stepped out from the flames and threw Link against the wall, his knife followed as it flew from his open hand. Link howled in agony as the kitchen knife plunged into his chest, narrowly missing his heart. The hero of time pulled himself away from the wall, Zelda’s gift giving him the extra push he needed. Kefka sneered and leaped on Link before he could withdraw the defiant blade, their swords colliding, and sending sparks into the air.

Outside the castle, the war raged on. Ganon’s minions stormed the town - they were met with Hyrulians and Gorons alike. Neither party held the advance. That is, until Ganon entered the fight. His immense form pushed through the lines and his blade hued the hyrulian soldiers apart. Ganon’s generals entered the fight at this moment. King Bulblin and his boar riders came crashing through the lines on their fierce beasts – soldiers were left gored and beaten along the pavements. Zant flew through the chaos firing energy blasts like mad - each blast powerful enough to pierce through the soldier’s armor, effectively killing them. Argorok, the dragon lord flew overhead, his fire blasts making short work of the hyrulian soldiers - their armor making excellent heat conductors. Armogohma, the giant Tarantula, came leaping into the fray, crawling along the building tops, only to drop down and devour a helpless hyrulian. Ganon’s army pushed forward and the generals led way.

Gorons - as strong and durable as they were, could still be killed. Ganon was the first to test this theory as he stood before the Goron Chieftain, Darbus. The two brutes circled each other in a death ring, each side’s army waiting at the ready. The lord of darkness sheathed his blade - he wouldn’t need it. Without further delay, the two combatants charged forward, their fists collided sending an echo of breaking bones throughout the air - Ganon stood unharmed. Although, Darbus’s punishment did not stop there, Ganon shot his left hand forward grabbing hold of the Goron’s throat and lifted him into the air. Darbus growled at the dark lord, he was silenced as a warlock punch sent him though a building and his body was buried in a massive pile of debris. The Goron army cried out in rage as they watched their chieftain fall, at once they leaped on the minions of darkness, spears were thrust into their plummeting bodies and the minions crushed under the weight. Ganondorf lifted his blade and cleaved off the head of a charging goron, only to look up at the tower of Hyrule castle - a chaotic explosion of lights hovered overhead.

Link lifted his shield as a ball of energy sorrowed toward him, he screamed out in agony as it blew apart before his very eyes and the splinters ripped into his face. The master sword caught the dark clown’s blade seconds before it cleaved through Link’s scalp. Kefka sneered and lifted his hand into the air - a meteor came rocketing in from orbit. Kefka grinned wildly and leaped out the window, he was jolted to a stop as the clawshot snagged his ankle and he slammed into the wall abruptly. The meteor crashed into the tower seconds later.

The armies turned toward the castle tower, only to watch the meteor obliterated it and the rubble crash to the earth below. Ganon laughed manically and sped up his assault, his blade ripped through the gut of the Goron elder, Gor Coron, only to fling his lifeless corpse aside and move on. As night drew in, the armies clashed one final time. The hyrulians fell back to the castle when all seemed lost, leaving the gorons to be slaughter by the advancing Darknuts. The gorons were exterminated in a matter of moments.

The hyrulian soldiers reached the castle - Zelda’s personal guards were already at work searching through the wreckage - Zelda was not found. Link surfaced on the far side of the crash, the chain of the clawshot had been broken and the clown was absent from its clutches. The hero of time hunched over and blood flew from his open mouth. He wiped the remains off his face and scanned the battlefield – a group of soldiers ran toward him. “Master Link! Are you alright!?” The captain of the guards barely finished his sentence as Kefka ran him though with his jagged blade. Link gasped and his eyes darted for the master sword - it was gone. Kefka was hurt, but he dare not show it. With amazing resilience, the dark clown back-flipped and beheaded a charging soldier, only to removed another’s leg with a single slice. The three remaining soldiers attempted to guard their fallen brethren, but even with the clown injured, they were no match for his fury. All of them died a quick death, except for one. The one-legged soldier crawled away from his attacker, only to grab hold of a fallen sword and block the attack from the vicious clown - the blade was kicked from his grasps shortly after. Kefka wasted no time in hacking down in attempt to redeem the failed death blow, but the very same sword that thwarted his attack the last time, now hovered between the face of the courageous soldier and the dark clown’s blade. Link stood before the dark clown, his hair flowed against the wind, free from the confinement of his missing cap. A deep gash in his left cheek was visible along the once elegant face of the hyrulian and blood streamed gruesomely from his forehead. Link’s arms shook under the strength of the evil minion of darkness, his entire body was exhausted, yet he fought on. The evil clown unleashed a blinding flurry on Link. Astoundingly, Link held on, his left shoulder barely scathed. Kefka’s patience faltered as the battle continued – he wouldn’t hold back any longer. The hero of time would die.

King Bulblin and his riders were the first to reach Hyrule castle - they were caught off guard by Impa’s archers lying in wait. “Fall back!!” King Bulblin ordered, seconds before taking an arrow though his throat. He fell to the ground writhing in pain as blood gushed rapidly from his neck. His men would perish before blood lose took its toll. Ganon sneered at his general’s stupidity. “Take out those archers! Let them burn!” As soon as these words left his lips, Argorok sped forward. Impa and her archers opened fire on the massive dragon, but his armor was too strong. Hyrule castle was ignited in flames as Argorok unleashed his attack into the open widows - every soul inside the fortress died an agonizing and gruesome death. As their castle burned, the last remnants of Hyrule’s army drew their swords and charged the darkness - each soldier willing to give his life for the next. Ganon looked off to the distance – two men were engaged in swordplay, the sparks of their blades colliding could be seen through the fog of war, and even though all that was visible was their silhouettes, Ganon knew who it was.

“Ultima!” Shouted Kefka as he opened his palm and the dark magic blast hit its mark. Link skidded back - Zelda’s dying gift taking the majority of the blow. Sweat and blood blended as one as it rolled down the face of the young hero. They had been fighting for far too long, his arms cried out in agony and he panted heavily before his opponent. Kefka simply licked his lips, he knew he had won. “What now child!? Ganon’s army is but moments from victory and your death is imminent! Why do you fight on? Do you still mourn the loss of that hoer? Oh, you should have seen what fun we had before she gave in. Memories - that’s definitely something I’m saving for the grandkids! Mwee, hee, hee, hee!” Link gritted his teeth and leaped into the air, performing a helm-splitter on the childish clown. Kefka blocked the attack with ease and as Link landed and came at him with a frenzy of attacks, he continued the defensive, laughing like mad. As Link’s assault began to waver, Kefka threw his blade to the side, blasting the hero of time to his back with an energy blast. Kefka stretched out his right hand and the fallen sword hovered into the air, only to explode into dust seconds later. Link lay their weaponless, his head turned to the side only to see the one-legged soldier’s cold face staring back. Link closed his eyes for a moment before turning back to meet the sinister clown’s grin. “Say goodnight pretty boy!” Link lifted himself slightly but was halted as Kefka’s blade plunged though his chest and sunk into the earth. The hylian’s eyes widened for an instant, but as the evil clown withdrew his blade, the hero of time crumbled to the ground, his eyes closing peacefully.

The last 20 hyrulians gathered together as the armies of evil surrounded them, Ganon stepped forward from the masses and looked over the survivors. After a brief scan, Ganon turned and muttered a single order under his breath. “Kill them all.” The minions of darkness grinned gleefully and began to move forward - their advance was interrupted as a roar of vengeance echoed though out the mountains. The massive brute Darbus leaped into the army and began to kill all in his way. Arrows, spears, and even swords were broken against the goron’s thick hide. Ganon’s minions scattered as the onslaught continued and Armogohma’s body lay broken beneath the bloodied fists of the Goron chieftain. Argorok came sorrowing toward the massive goron, his fire breath being fully unleashed. “Monsters killed my brothers! Monsters will DIE!!!” Darbus ran forward, using the chest of a Moblin Warrior to propel himself at the huge dragon – the Moblin’s spine snapping instantaneously. Darbus took the full force of the flames, only to grab a hold of the dragon’s throat and slam his other fist into its jaw. They both plummeted to the ground, crushing many minions beneath the behemoth. After a brief struggle, Darbus stood on top, relentlessly pounding his fists into the skull of the dragon lord. “ENOUGH!!!” Ganon’s fearsome voice boomed over the chaos and Darbus turned away from the lifeless dragon, only to glare at the man responsible for his brethrens’ deaths. All seemed quiet as Ganon lifted his hand and gave the signal. Zant nodded and began to charge a ball of twilight - Darbus did not notice. “Tell me Goron. Do you feel pain?” Ganon smirked as he witnessed Darbus’ reaction. “RAAAAAAAAAA! You puny human not know pain! Darbus crush you! DARBUS SHOW YOU PAIN!!!” Darbus leaped through the air and came down on the lord of darkness like a crazed beast – the twilight blast consumed him without warning and he was reduced to stone. Ganon’s army stood in wonder at this spectacle, but it did not last – Ganon blew it to pieces with but one punch. The Goron chieftain was dead.

The dark clown chuckled as he looked over the motionless corpse of the fallen hero, only to turn away and throw his arms into the air in victory. Link could see the darkness growing - it was nearly upon him and he did not wish to fight it any longer. Ganon approached the clown from afar, a deceptive grin spread across his face. Kefka’s job was done – his usefulness complete.

“Link…” A sweet voice whispered though the darkness. Link struggled to ignore it - he dare not look upon the face of his love in his time of defeat. “Link, save Hyrule… Save it for me.” Zelda’s voice repeated. Tears rolled down the face of the young hero, “Why? Why did you give me this impossible task? A task you knew I would never be able to complete? I HAVE FAILED YOU!!!” Link sobbed. Suddenly, a hand rested on his shoulder and his tear filled eyes looked up to meet that of Hyrule’s princess. “No.” Zelda said solemnly. “You are the hero of time. Your destiny lies within the fate of Hyrule - if you fall, Hyrule falls, and if Hyrule falls, you will fall as well. Don’t blame yourself for the path destiny takes – You, nor I, shall live forever.” Zelda knelt down beside the fallen hero and caressed his cheek. “Wake now Link, your time here is nearly complete.” Zelda faded away as the darkness turned to light, and Link’s eyes burst open abruptly.

Link’s ghostly white hands shook as life once again filled his body - love and hatred fueling the fire. His eyes glistened with a fire hotter than brimstone as he pushed himself to his feet. His cold finger’s dug into the rumbled around him and retrieved the clawshot’s disembodied head, only to grip it tightly and make his way toward the dark clown Kefka – one objective on his mind.

Kefka’s grin of treachery matched Gannon’s equally. The dark lord Ganondorf made his way toward the clown, his blade swaying menacingly by his side. Kefka’s mind worked fast, he already had his blade firmly grasped and Ganon’s minions under his allegiance, but what was he forgetting? “Crunch!” The brilliant mind of the sick man wearing the clown outfit stopped in an instant, his eyes permanently fixed with terror and disbelieve as Link’s clawshot punctured through his brain cavity. Kefka’s corpse crumbled to the side, only to reveal the blood bathed hylian boy, his crimson red hands lay empty and blood seeped through his clothing. The young hero gulped down the last ounce of fear staining his breath, then, in one mighty cry he sent a chill down the very spines of every fiendish creature within Ganon’s ranks. “FOR HYRULE!!!!! FOR ZELDAA!!!!!!!!!!” The hero of time took off full haste toward the massive army, grasping hold of the lifeless clown’s jagged blade with such intensity that his knuckles ripped through his skin. Ganon raised his hand and signaled for his archers. The Bulblin archers pushed forward and drew their bows, only to notch an arrow as they took sight of the defiant hero. Ganon grinned with pleasure - Hyrule would finally be his. With a flick from Ganon wrist, the Bulblin archers unleashed their vicious attack. Link knew what was about to unfold, but with his last ounce of energy, he threw the jagged blade and watched as it soared past the deadly wall of arrows and plunged into the dark lord’s chest. Ganon looked down to see the jagged blade produced from his chest, he then looked up to see the body of Link mere feet from him – a triumphant smile sealed across his lifeless mug. Ganon merely reached down and removed the blade, only to toss it aside lazily. “Hmph, poor boy, you of all people should know that only the master sword can harm me.” Ganon walked over to Link’s corpse and observed his grin. “Or perhaps… You did not wish to know it?” Ganon lifted Link into the air, only to snap his spine – as the body went fully limp, Link once again stood beside Zelda and together they left in harmony.

Ganondorf gazed upon the destruction before him, not even a fraction of his army had been depleted on this assault and now Hyrule lay in ruins. “Zant.” Ganon grunted coldly as he looked upon the master sword. “What is it my liege?” Zant hissed as he touched down in front of the dark lord. Ganon lifted up his fist and pointed to the holy blade. “Break the spell. That blade has been my enemy for too long, now it must be mine.” Zant sighed and turned to the blade. Slowly he pushed his hands through his sleeves and exposed a shard of twilight, only to throw it at the sword with great force. The blade remained unscathed as the mist cleared, but something had changed. Zant walked forward and lifted the sword – the magic protecting it had been removed. “Good!” King Ganondorf chuckled as he pushed himself off his thrown, only to stroll over to the soccer. “Now, go to mushroom kingdom and prepare my arrival. I would prefer a warmer welcome this time.” Zant inspected the blade before presenting it to the dark lord, but Ganon simply pushed it back. “No. Use it to install fear into their pathetic heats. I wish them to know the true power of darkness!” Zant nodded and sheathed the blade. Ganondorf whirled around dramatically, his cape whipping through the wind – additionally throwing his hand into the air and signaled for Zant to leave. “Now begone!” Zant obeyed without question - disappearing in the blink of an eye. Ganondorf once again found he was seated in Hyrule’s thrown room - the rest of the castle in ruins around him. A dark, dismal, mist hovered above the land of Hyrule, and Ganon’s army awaited their next command.

Meanwhile…

Mushroom Kingdom was at peace, and Bowser again was defeated. The land was joyous and jubilant as Toads and Yoshis frolicked about, free from worry as their hero, Mario, once again saved the princess, Peach. Inside the castle, Mario and his brother, Luigi, stood before the steward, Toadsworth, and princess Peach. A medal was placed over the necks of both the brothers as a symbol of thanks for saving their kingdom. “Thank-a you, princess!” Mario exclaimed as the golden sphere dangle about his chest. Luigi gazed at it dumfounded as it rested in his palm. He snapped out of it and saluted the princess awkwardly. “Neva mind-a him princess! We best be going.” Mario grabbed Luigi by the back of his overalls and dragged him out of the castle. Princess Peach held her hand to her mouth as she giggled at the duo. “They’re so cute, aren’t they Toadsworth?” Toadsworth simply shook his head in wonderment.
Far off in the mysterious mountain tops, the koopa king plotted. “BAH!” He yelled. “Those meddling plumbers foiled me once again! The nerve of those fools! Kamek!” The magikoopa came flying in on broomstick at the sound of his name. “Yes lord Bowser?” Kamek bowed and awaited his orders. “I need a warship! A big warship! NO! An army of koopas! Or a robot replica of Godzilla! Get me my crown! I want my crown!!!” Bowser began to get teary eyed as he awaited Kamek’s return. “Settle down your highness. It was only a minor setback, you are still king.” Kamek patted the overgrown turtle on the back in an attempt to comfort him. “BAH!!!” Bowser boomed, sending the frightened magikoopa into a wall. A dark figure stood in the corner of Bowser’s thrown room, his silhouette finally noticed. “Greetings.” Sneered the man, his face blanked with a mask of shadows. The koopa king roared in anger at the intrusion. “GRAAAA! You will pay for this! Kamek, kill it!” The magikoopa sped forward and raised his staff, but before he could utter a word, the mystery figure had fired an energy blast from his palm and obliterated the koopa’s head. Kamek’s corpse fell to the floor with a thud- his brain matter splashing against Bowser’s face. Bowser opened his jaw and gazed upon the shadow figure with wide eyes. “What do you want!?” Bowser coward in terror as the man moved forward. “What do I want?... I want you.” Bowser looked down at the eerie blade gliding through the air, he raised his hands in defense but is attempts were soured as the blade slid through his grasps and plunged through his chest. Darkness consumed the koopa king, and in a matter of moments, Bowser was gone – and a shadow was born.

Zant stood over the swirling vortex of shadows as they feasted upon the body of the recently deceased. Then, the koopa king rose to his feet - his body and mind, but a shadow of what they once were. Suddenly, Bowser howled in agony as his limbs grew abruptly, ripping through his flesh with ease. Zant grinned with pleasure as the monster before continued his metamorphose. The green skin of the koopa was no more, now his flesh was shredded, bloodied, and black. The former king hunched over as a shock ripped through his spine, he unleashed a bloodcurdling scream as wings sprouted out from beneath his shell. His eyes bulged and his face twisted, then, with a “POP”, his eyes exploded before Zant’s watching gaze. The servant of darkness walked up to the creature before him. The being once known as Bowser now stood 30 feet tall, his massive head and wings hunched over to avoid the throne room’s ceiling. A glowing yellow light visible inside his open eye sockets, symbolizing nothing but evil. Zant’s helmet opened, revealing his maniacal face, and as the shadow Bowser unleashed an arsenal of flames, he made his insanity known, laughing uncontrollably.

The chief guard of the Mushroom Retainers, Toad, stood on top of a lush hill, his eyes widened in wonder as darkness approached him. “Wa?” He gasped. From out of the shadows, Zant’s army emerged. Various shadow creatures consisting of what were formerly Bowser’s minions marched toward the lone Toad. “AH! I must warn Master Mario!” The toad took off full haste down the hill and towards the castle.

Mario and Luigi stood just outside the main palace - Professor E. Gadd and Yoshi beside them. “What-a is it Professor?” Mario questioned as he looked upon E. Gadd’s newest invention. “I call it the Master Blade!” E. Gadd exclaimed. “Haven’t I-a heard that before?” Mario scratched his head in confusion. “OOF!” E. Gadd slammed his cane on Mario’s head. “Preposterous! It is completely original!” Mario swayed back and forth and stars hovered above his head. “MASTER MARIO!!!!” Toad yelled running into view. By instinct, Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi all jumped into action, landing directly in front of the breathless Toad. “What is-a wrong?!” Mario yelled concerned. Toad couldn’t speak, but he didn’t need to, he simply pointed toward the approaching darkness. Mario and Luigi jumped in shock, and by the time they touched the ground, all of Mushroom Kingdom was at arms. Mario and Luigi were separated in the disorder, and Toad picked up a spear and ran to the front of the lines. Disoriented, Mario made is way over to E. Gadd’s shop, there he found the professor still holding the Master Blade. “Professor! We need to get to the princess!” Mario blurted out once he recovered. Without delay, E. Gadd leaped into his garage and came flying out in a saucer-like ship. Mario nodded and leaped into the craft and together they rocketed toward Peach’s castle.

Toads and Yoshis came crashing into the lines of Twilight creatures, both lines falling to the others attacks. The twilight creatures could still think, but not in the same way as before, now there only objective was to serve Zant and kill anyone who opposed him – by any means necessary. The chief guard now stood in the center of the battlefield, his brow was wet with the sweat of combat and his spear stained with the blood of his enemies. As his Yoshi was killed beneath him and he rolled to his feet, he thrust his spear forward and impaled Roy Koopa - or what used to be him. The twilight creature simply pulled himself along the spear and grew closer to the young toad, who in his terror, dropped the weapon and fell to his back. Roy Koopa moved forward, the spear still skewered though his torso, and as his hand turned into a mace, he slammed it down on the helpless Toad – the spiked ball connecting with his head, effectively knocking him unconscious. As the chief guard layout of commission, the battle raged on regardless around his unmoving corpse.

Mario leaped out from the vehicle as it docked next to the castle, E. Gadd shortly behind him. Quickly, they burst through the doorway and looked on to see Peach and Toadsworth standing before a shadowy figure. “Princess!” Mario yelled, and with that, Zant lifted his hand to the old steward and he exploded instantaneously – his insides painted Peach’s dress gruesomely. “No!” Peach cried out before grabbing a spear and charging toward Zant. The servant of darkness simply beheaded the spear and threw the princess to the ground, but before he could deal the final blow, something struck his head and sent him flying. “MARIO!!” Luigi yelled as he stood weaponless before the dark soccer; having thrown his hammer to defend the princess. Mario leaped across the room in one mighty “super jump” before ricocheting a dark magic blast about to strike his brother with the Master Blade. As this occurred, E. Gadd grabbed the princess and together they sprinted out of the castle. Zant watched them leave before turning to the brothers. “You’re going to regret that… I’ll make sure of it!” Zant threw his hands above his head and slammed them together – as he did so, the left wall burst open and a horrifying best emerged – his yellow eyes could be seen through the mist. “BWAHAHAHAHA!” The monster laughed, revealing but an ounce of his former persona. “Bowser?” Mario exclaimed, surprised to see his rival in such a condition. The rotting flesh of the Koopa King dangled about him as he entered into the castle; his wings only opening when he was fully inside. Mario leaped back and narrowed his eyes in defiance, only to draw forth his own hammer and throw it to his brother. “Ready Luigi!?” Mario asked turning to his brother. “Ready Mario!” His now armed brother replied as he looked back. “FOR THE PRINCESS!” The brothers yelled in union as they leaped toward their foes.

……………………

Mario has an exact replica of the Master Sword called the Master Blade (just don’t tell E. Gadd.) And Luigi has Mario’s signature Hammer. They are fighting Zant who has the master sword - it is now reversed, being able to repel good instead of evil. His twilight Monster, Bowser is now standing at 30 feet and has wings, longer arms, more durability, far greater strength, stronger fire breathe, and sharper claws. He is the perfect Twilight creature. The health bar is not present, this is realistic mode. Of course, Mario’s unrealistic attacks still work; he just can die like a normal human would.

Outside we have Toads and Yoshis vs the result of if Twilight Princess was a Mario game. All the Goombas, Koopas, and other Mario enemies are now twilight creature and much more deadly. Bowser’s children are leading the charge.

So, who wins? Will darkness rule over Mushroom Kingdom? Will Ganondorf receive his warm welcome? Or will Mario defend his homeland and save the princess once more? You decide!

Posted by: darkender Jan 10 2009, 05:21 PM
I can see why, that is really long!

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 05:44 PM
Eight pages on word. tongue.gif

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 06:08 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 10 2009, 05:44 PM)
Eight pages on word. tongue.gif

Um guys would it be okay if I post my match that I am way too scared to put on CBUB?

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 06:29 PM
Well I made this but was to scared to put it on Cbub.

Roy Burns vs Freddy Kruger.


Roy Burns had just disposed of the Hills have eyes mutants with ease and he then took the ax from one of them.
"Hey cant hurt to take a souvenir." With that Roy got into his pickup and drove away to a motel in Elm Street.

But I bet the readers are thinking Roy is getting soft because he hasn't run over anyone with his truck. Lets change that shall we Roy?
Some random guy named Super Wolverine man was just minding his own business and crossing the street. Too bad for him Roy didnt give a feces the light was red. Swm sees the truck too late but utters his last word." Trech continue my gahhh! " Swm yelled as he was ran over like a bug by Roy's pickup truck.


Roy:'Hmm.Coulda sworn I just heard something crunch under my wheels."Swm's arm pops up from under the truck and onto the front of Roy's truck.
Roy:'Shi! Ahhh!!!" Gahssh!! Goes Roy's truck as it crashes into a nearby tree .The truck was broken beyond repair but Roy was way worse. Half of Roy's skin on his face was burned off and his arm was twisted backwards .

Roy would have died from his wounds had this blond haired teen and what appeared to be her boyfriend came and saved Roy. Roy was about to slice them but then he just cursed to himself but then everything went black.


One day later.Roy woke up with his arm in casket and the burnt half of his face covered in bandages. The blond lady that had saved Roy then hugged Roy and exclaimed with joy." Oh boy your better.Me and Tommy found you in the wood ."
Roy then pushed her away." Dont.Ever. Touch.Me again Blondie."
This made the girl cry and she then said ." I hope you get better Roy."
Roy:"Wait how do you know my name!?"

The girl then walked into the kitchen and gave Roy the bird .Roy sat their shocked and found his mask laying next to him.Roy used his not broken arm to get his mask back on but he then felt very sleepy at the moment and after a short couple of attempts to stay up Roy finally fell asleep.

When Roy awoke or so he thought he was in a boiler room. But in here only Roy's face was still covered in bandages but his arm was fine .Roy:"What the Sexual Intercourse in a basket?" Roy then heard what he couldn't believe." Tom is is that you?"
Roy's dead son then walked up to Roy and hugged him. "Hi daddy."
Roy:"Son .Its really you.Listen I am sorry - Roy's sentence was interrupted when his son then called him a real big dickhead and claws appeared on his right hand.
" Say goodnight daddy! Hahhaha!" Roy saw this and manged to kick his fake son towards the ground .

Roy:"I I know you.Your that Freddy guy. With that Roy grabbed Freddy and was then awoken up by the blonde's boyfriend.Show Wok Went Roy's fist as it collied with Blondie's boyfriend's jaw.Freddy came out as well and threw Roy though the window.Freddy:"Yo copycat Jason." Roy then looked up apparently pissed off at this comment and charged at Freddy who did the same.

_ Okay it is Roy super pissed off with his ax and his Macthe vs Freddy with his claws in real world.

Who wins? Vote ,Rate,Comment.



Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 06:33 PM
Dark,Bloody,Boratz,you threre?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 07:52 PM
Darkender, please don't embarrass me with your super grade.

Bloody, that's long as crap.

ND4, I'm reading yours first because Bloody's is long as crap.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 07:59 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 07:52 PM)
Darkender, please don't embarrass me with your super grade.

Bloody, that's long as crap.

ND4, I'm reading yours first because Bloody's is long as crap.

Okay.You are gonna like it.Oh and I read Bloody's in five mintunes.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 08:01 PM
ND4, I'm not sure why you're afraid to post that. It's as good as any on the CBUB. It captures the concept of the characters pretty well. I'm not sure what SWman and myself had to do with it, but the story played out well enough.

Your grammar although much improved is still seriously lacking. It is very hard to read. A bunch of sentence fragments, run ons and other issues. I type like that, but I don't write like that. However, you are young and still have a lot of schooling to do in that area.

Roy is a little nice for his character. Freddy is way too friendly and should joke a little more. Freddy always made corny jokes.

I think it needs a little more action. It's a little boring. Um. I guess that's it except Roy doesn't stand a chance in this fight.

Honestly I'd give you a C or a D, but the CBUB crowd is much nicer than I and will probably score you higher. I don't grade if I don't like a fight, unless I really just don't want to see that person write anymore.

Now, on to Bloody's.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:05 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 08:01 PM)
ND4, I'm not sure why you're afraid to post that. It's as good as any on the CBUB. It captures the concept of the characters pretty well. I'm not sure what SWman and myself had to do with it, but the story played out well enough.

Your grammar although much improved is still seriously lacking. It is very hard to read. A bunch of sentence fragments, run ons and other issues. I type like that, but I don't write like that. However, you are young and still have a lot of schooling to do in that area.

Roy is a little nice for his character. Freddy is way too friendly and should joke a little more. Freddy always made corny jokes.

I think it needs a little more action. It's a little boring. Um. I guess that's it except Roy doesn't stand a chance in this fight.

Honestly I'd give you a C or a D, but the CBUB crowd is much nicer than I and will probably score you higher. I don't grade if I don't like a fight, unless I really just don't want to see that person write anymore.

Now, on to Bloody's.

Thanks dude. Well I couldnt think of any good jokes that Freddy hadnt already said to Jason.But this is in the real world.Not Dreamy.

I am afraid to post it because I thought users would f bomb it for making Roy a human fight vs Freddy .

Um I am confused by what you mean thier concept.
Oh and I just like killing members.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:10 PM
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 10 2009, 08:05 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 08:01 PM)
ND4, I'm not sure why you're afraid to post that.  It's as good as any on the CBUB.  It captures the concept of the characters pretty well.  I'm not sure what SWman and myself had to do with it, but the story played out well enough. 

Your grammar although much improved is still seriously lacking.  It is very hard to read.  A bunch of sentence fragments, run ons and other issues.  I type like that, but I don't write like that.  However, you are young and still have a lot of schooling to do in that area.

Roy is a little nice for his character.  Freddy is way too friendly and should joke a little more.  Freddy always made corny jokes.

I think it needs a little more action.  It's a little boring.  Um.  I guess that's it except Roy doesn't stand a chance in this fight. 

Honestly I'd give you a C or a D, but the CBUB crowd is much nicer than I and will probably score you higher.  I don't grade if I don't like a fight, unless I really just don't want to see that person write anymore.

Now, on to Bloody's.

Thanks dude. Well I couldnt think of any good jokes that Freddy hadnt already said to Jason.But this is in the real world.Not Dreamy.

I am afraid to post it because I thought users would f bomb it for making Roy a human fight vs Freddy .

Um I am confused by what you mean thier concept.
Oh and I just like killing members.

Oh and I have more matches I want you to review Master Trech.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 08:13 PM
Again, following the story line was a bit hard. If they are in the real world then it's a decent fight. However, Freddy seemed to be a pretty good fighter in Jason Vs. Freddy.

I don't mind you killing us.

You have the concept.
Concept: The basic idea of the characters.

But, you are lacking the characterizations.
Characterizations: Depictions.

To explain. You know the basic story and idea of how the characters work, but you are not depicting their attitudes and emotions correctly. You are a little with Freddy, but not as much with Roy. This may be a little too much. It's just a CBUB match, but you know...I'm just saying.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:14 PM
Oh and Trech even though I know it is way to early.

But on my birthday April 21 2009 could could you do a Roy match just for me?

Eyes get big and puffy.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:17 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 08:13 PM)
Again, following the story line was a bit hard. If they are in the real world then it's a decent fight. However, Freddy seemed to be a pretty good fighter in Jason Vs. Freddy.

I don't mind you killing us.

You have the concept.
Concept: The basic idea of the characters.

But, you are lacking the characterizations.
Characterizations: Depictions.

To explain. You know the basic story and idea of how the characters work, but you are not depicting their attitudes and emotions correctly. You are a little with Freddy, but not as much with Roy. This may be a little too much. It's just a CBUB match, but you know...I'm just saying.

Thanks dude.

Well ever since I watched Friday the 13 The New begining which Roy is in I always thought of him talking like he does in my matches with him.
Oh thanks for explaing what a concept was Trech.



Oh and Wolvie before Roy ran him over was gonna say :" Trech contuine my FPl legacy!"

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 08:18 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 03:52 PM)
Darkender, please don't embarrass me with your super grade.

Bloody, that's long as crap.

ND4, I'm reading yours first because Bloody's is long as crap.

lol. I know, right! Eh, I got carried away. XD


Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:18 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 10 2009, 08:18 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 03:52 PM)
Darkender, please don't embarrass me with your super grade.

Bloody, that's long as crap.

ND4, I'm reading yours first because Bloody's is long as crap.

lol. I know, right! Eh, I got carried away. XD

Yeah.But hey it wasnt THAT long .I mean I read it in five mintunes .

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 08:20 PM
My birthday is April 6th. rolleyes.gif Oh man. You did the poofy eyes. Maybe between then and now.

Bloody, that crap is long. Extremely long. It better be really REALLY good for me to take a chunk out of my life to read it. I know without even looking at it that you need to work on your paragraphs, such as when to use them. Everytime the unifying theme (or main point) of the paragraph changes, a new paragraph should start. I'll read it, but geez that's long.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:22 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 08:20 PM)
My birthday is April 6th. rolleyes.gif Oh man. You did the poofy eyes. Maybe between then and now.

Bloody, that crap is long. Extremely long. It better be really REALLY good for me to take a chunk out of my life to read it. I know without even looking at it that you need to work on your paragraphs, such as when to use them. Everytime the unifying theme (or main point) of the paragraph changes, a new paragraph should start. I'll read it, but geez that's long.

Yeahhhh! Wow. Roy with Trech.Ehh. Sudders at the thought.Hey Trech ya still mad at Roy for in his first match beating you to death with a brach?Then you become a zombie and Roy kills you there too.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 08:25 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 04:20 PM)
My birthday is April 6th.  rolleyes.gif  Oh man.  You did the poofy eyes.  Maybe between then and now. 

Bloody, that crap is long.  Extremely long.  It better be really REALLY good for me to take a chunk out of my life to read it.  I know without even looking at it that you need to work on your paragraphs, such as when to use them.  Everytime the unifying theme (or main point) of the paragraph changes, a new paragraph should start.  I'll read it, but geez that's long.

lol. I tried to use the paragraphs as such... Guess I just haven't grasped the concept yet. I'll keep trying. Also, when I posted it on here the paragraphs got erase for some reason, so I tried to put them back, maybe that's the case for some of the mistakes.... Or maybe not.

It ain't that good man, if your busy forget about it. I feel like just trashing it cuz no one on CBUB would EVER read it anyway. tongue.gif

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:26 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 10 2009, 08:25 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 04:20 PM)
My birthday is April 6th.  rolleyes.gif  Oh man.  You did the poofy eyes.  Maybe between then and now. 

Bloody, that crap is long.  Extremely long.  It better be really REALLY good for me to take a chunk out of my life to read it.  I know without even looking at it that you need to work on your paragraphs, such as when to use them.  Everytime the unifying theme (or main point) of the paragraph changes, a new paragraph should start.  I'll read it, but geez that's long.

lol. I tried to use the paragraphs as such... Guess I just haven't grasped the concept yet. I'll keep trying. Also, when I posted it on here the paragraphs got erase for some reason, so I tried to put them back, maybe that's the case for some of the mistakes.... Or maybe not.

It ain't that good man, if your busy forget about it. I feel like just trashing it cuz no one on CBUB would EVER read it anyone. tongue.gif

If you want I I could reivew it.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 08:39 PM
Anybody can review here. This is open review area.

Anyway, since ND4 said it was not that long. dry.gif I'll read it.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 08:55 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 10 2009, 05:04 PM)
Hey, I wrote this one a month or two ago, who wants to take a crack at it... There were so many mistakes that I just gave up. >.<

Also, August is going to rip me apart on the length. >.<

..........................................

[After Link Vs Kefka]

Zelda’s blood stained quarters exploded in an epic battle of swordplay, neither side giving any footing. The dark clown Kefka leaped around the room like a drunken banshee, his blade flashed through the wind in a gleaming streak of light. The hero of time did his best holding off the insane clown, and with his shield he battered the strikes aside. Balls of fire flew from Kefka’s palm, all of which were deflected against the master sword and thrown into various parts of the room - the room was aflame in moments. The smoke caused Link’s eyes to burn, and he coughed as his lunges were filled with it. Kefka stepped out from the flames and threw Link against the wall, his knife followed as it flew from his open hand. Link howled in agony as the kitchen knife plunged into his chest, narrowly missing his heart. The hero of time pulled himself away from the wall, Zelda’s gift giving him the extra push he needed. Kefka sneered and leaped on Link before he could withdraw the defiant blade, their swords colliding, and sending sparks into the air.

Outside the castle, the war raged on. Ganon’s minions stormed the town - they were met with Hyrulians and Gorons alike. Neither party held the advance. That is, until Ganon entered the fight. His immense form pushed through the lines and his blade hued the hyrulian soldiers apart. Ganon’s generals entered the fight at this moment. King Bulblin and his boar riders came crashing through the lines on their fierce beasts – soldiers were left gored and beaten along the pavements. Zant flew through the chaos firing energy blasts like mad - each blast powerful enough to pierce through the soldier’s armor, effectively killing them. Argorok, the dragon lord flew overhead, his fire blasts making short work of the hyrulian soldiers - their armor making excellent heat conductors. Armogohma, the giant Tarantula, came leaping into the fray, crawling along the building tops, only to drop down and devour a helpless hyrulian. Ganon’s army pushed forward and the generals led way.

Gorons - as strong and durable as they were, could still be killed. Ganon was the first to test this theory as he stood before the Goron Chieftain, Darbus. The two brutes circled each other in a death ring, each side’s army waiting at the ready. The lord of darkness sheathed his blade - he wouldn’t need it. Without further delay, the two combatants charged forward, their fists collided sending an echo of breaking bones throughout the air - Ganon stood unharmed. Although, Darbus’s punishment did not stop there, Ganon shot his left hand forward grabbing hold of the Goron’s throat and lifted him into the air. Darbus growled at the dark lord, he was silenced as a warlock punch sent him though a building and his body was buried in a massive pile of debris. The Goron army cried out in rage as they watched their chieftain fall, at once they leaped on the minions of darkness, spears were thrust into their plummeting bodies and the minions crushed under the weight. Ganondorf lifted his blade and cleaved off the head of a charging goron, only to look up at the tower of Hyrule castle - a chaotic explosion of lights hovered overhead.

Link lifted his shield as a ball of energy sorrowed toward him, he screamed out in agony as it blew apart before his very eyes and the splinters ripped into his face. The master sword caught the dark clown’s blade seconds before it cleaved through Link’s scalp. Kefka sneered and lifted his hand into the air - a meteor came rocketing in from orbit. Kefka grinned wildly and leaped out the window, he was jolted to a stop as the clawshot snagged his ankle and he slammed into the wall abruptly. The meteor crashed into the tower seconds later.

The armies turned toward the castle tower, only to watch the meteor obliterated it and the rubble crash to the earth below. Ganon laughed manically and sped up his assault, his blade ripped through the gut of the Goron elder, Gor Coron, only to fling his lifeless corpse aside and move on. As night drew in, the armies clashed one final time. The hyrulians fell back to the castle when all seemed lost, leaving the gorons to be slaughter by the advancing Darknuts. The gorons were exterminated in a matter of moments.

The hyrulian soldiers reached the castle - Zelda’s personal guards were already at work searching through the wreckage - Zelda was not found. Link surfaced on the far side of the crash, the chain of the clawshot had been broken and the clown was absent from its clutches. The hero of time hunched over and blood flew from his open mouth. He wiped the remains off his face and scanned the battlefield – a group of soldiers ran toward him. “Master Link! Are you alright!?” The captain of the guards barely finished his sentence as Kefka ran him though with his jagged blade. Link gasped and his eyes darted for the master sword - it was gone. Kefka was hurt, but he dare not show it. With amazing resilience, the dark clown back-flipped and beheaded a charging soldier, only to removed another’s leg with a single slice. The three remaining soldiers attempted to guard their fallen brethren, but even with the clown injured, they were no match for his fury. All of them died a quick death, except for one. The one-legged soldier crawled away from his attacker, only to grab hold of a fallen sword and block the attack from the vicious clown - the blade was kicked from his grasps shortly after. Kefka wasted no time in hacking down in attempt to redeem the failed death blow, but the very same sword that thwarted his attack the last time, now hovered between the face of the courageous soldier and the dark clown’s blade. Link stood before the dark clown, his hair flowed against the wind, free from the confinement of his missing cap. A deep gash in his left cheek was visible along the once elegant face of the hyrulian and blood streamed gruesomely from his forehead. Link’s arms shook under the strength of the evil minion of darkness, his entire body was exhausted, yet he fought on. The evil clown unleashed a blinding flurry on Link. Astoundingly, Link held on, his left shoulder barely scathed. Kefka’s patience faltered as the battle continued – he wouldn’t hold back any longer. The hero of time would die.

King Bulblin and his riders were the first to reach Hyrule castle - they were caught off guard by Impa’s archers lying in wait. “Fall back!!” King Bulblin ordered, seconds before taking an arrow though his throat. He fell to the ground writhing in pain as blood gushed rapidly from his neck. His men would perish before blood lose took its toll. Ganon sneered at his general’s stupidity. “Take out those archers! Let them burn!” As soon as these words left his lips, Argorok sped forward. Impa and her archers opened fire on the massive dragon, but his armor was too strong. Hyrule castle was ignited in flames as Argorok unleashed his attack into the open widows - every soul inside the fortress died an agonizing and gruesome death. As their castle burned, the last remnants of Hyrule’s army drew their swords and charged the darkness - each soldier willing to give his life for the next. Ganon looked off to the distance – two men were engaged in swordplay, the sparks of their blades colliding could be seen through the fog of war, and even though all that was visible was their silhouettes, Ganon knew who it was.

“Ultima!” Shouted Kefka as he opened his palm and the dark magic blast hit its mark. Link skidded back - Zelda’s dying gift taking the majority of the blow. Sweat and blood blended as one as it rolled down the face of the young hero. They had been fighting for far too long, his arms cried out in agony and he panted heavily before his opponent. Kefka simply licked his lips, he knew he had won. “What now child!? Ganon’s army is but moments from victory and your death is imminent! Why do you fight on? Do you still mourn the loss of that hoer? Oh, you should have seen what fun we had before she gave in. Memories - that’s definitely something I’m saving for the grandkids! Mwee, hee, hee, hee!” Link gritted his teeth and leaped into the air, performing a helm-splitter on the childish clown. Kefka blocked the attack with ease and as Link landed and came at him with a frenzy of attacks, he continued the defensive, laughing like mad. As Link’s assault began to waver, Kefka threw his blade to the side, blasting the hero of time to his back with an energy blast. Kefka stretched out his right hand and the fallen sword hovered into the air, only to explode into dust seconds later. Link lay their weaponless, his head turned to the side only to see the one-legged soldier’s cold face staring back. Link closed his eyes for a moment before turning back to meet the sinister clown’s grin. “Say goodnight pretty boy!” Link lifted himself slightly but was halted as Kefka’s blade plunged though his chest and sunk into the earth. The hylian’s eyes widened for an instant, but as the evil clown withdrew his blade, the hero of time crumbled to the ground, his eyes closing peacefully.

The last 20 hyrulians gathered together as the armies of evil surrounded them, Ganon stepped forward from the masses and looked over the survivors. After a brief scan, Ganon turned and muttered a single order under his breath. “Kill them all.” The minions of darkness grinned gleefully and began to move forward - their advance was interrupted as a roar of vengeance echoed though out the mountains. The massive brute Darbus leaped into the army and began to kill all in his way. Arrows, spears, and even swords were broken against the goron’s thick hide. Ganon’s minions scattered as the onslaught continued and Armogohma’s body lay broken beneath the bloodied fists of the Goron chieftain. Argorok came sorrowing toward the massive goron, his fire breath being fully unleashed. “Monsters killed my brothers! Monsters will DIE!!!” Darbus ran forward, using the chest of a Moblin Warrior to propel himself at the huge dragon – the Moblin’s spine snapping instantaneously. Darbus took the full force of the flames, only to grab a hold of the dragon’s throat and slam his other fist into its jaw. They both plummeted to the ground, crushing many minions beneath the behemoth. After a brief struggle, Darbus stood on top, relentlessly pounding his fists into the skull of the dragon lord. “ENOUGH!!!” Ganon’s fearsome voice boomed over the chaos and Darbus turned away from the lifeless dragon, only to glare at the man responsible for his brethrens’ deaths. All seemed quiet as Ganon lifted his hand and gave the signal. Zant nodded and began to charge a ball of twilight - Darbus did not notice. “Tell me Goron. Do you feel pain?” Ganon smirked as he witnessed Darbus’ reaction. “RAAAAAAAAAA! You puny human not know pain! Darbus crush you! DARBUS SHOW YOU PAIN!!!” Darbus leaped through the air and came down on the lord of darkness like a crazed beast – the twilight blast consumed him without warning and he was reduced to stone. Ganon’s army stood in wonder at this spectacle, but it did not last – Ganon blew it to pieces with but one punch. The Goron chieftain was dead.

The dark clown chuckled as he looked over the motionless corpse of the fallen hero, only to turn away and throw his arms into the air in victory. Link could see the darkness growing - it was nearly upon him and he did not wish to fight it any longer. Ganon approached the clown from afar, a deceptive grin spread across his face. Kefka’s job was done – his usefulness complete.

“Link…” A sweet voice whispered though the darkness. Link struggled to ignore it - he dare not look upon the face of his love in his time of defeat. “Link, save Hyrule… Save it for me.” Zelda’s voice repeated. Tears rolled down the face of the young hero, “Why? Why did you give me this impossible task? A task you knew I would never be able to complete? I HAVE FAILED YOU!!!” Link sobbed. Suddenly, a hand rested on his shoulder and his tear filled eyes looked up to meet that of Hyrule’s princess. “No.” Zelda said solemnly. “You are the hero of time. Your destiny lies within the fate of Hyrule - if you fall, Hyrule falls, and if Hyrule falls, you will fall as well. Don’t blame yourself for the path destiny takes – You, nor I, shall live forever.” Zelda knelt down beside the fallen hero and caressed his cheek. “Wake now Link, your time here is nearly complete.” Zelda faded away as the darkness turned to light, and Link’s eyes burst open abruptly.

Link’s ghostly white hands shook as life once again filled his body - love and hatred fueling the fire. His eyes glistened with a fire hotter than brimstone as he pushed himself to his feet. His cold finger’s dug into the rumbled around him and retrieved the clawshot’s disembodied head, only to grip it tightly and make his way toward the dark clown Kefka – one objective on his mind.

Kefka’s grin of treachery matched Gannon’s equally. The dark lord Ganondorf made his way toward the clown, his blade swaying menacingly by his side. Kefka’s mind worked fast, he already had his blade firmly grasped and Ganon’s minions under his allegiance, but what was he forgetting? “Crunch!” The brilliant mind of the sick man wearing the clown outfit stopped in an instant, his eyes permanently fixed with terror and disbelieve as Link’s clawshot punctured through his brain cavity. Kefka’s corpse crumbled to the side, only to reveal the blood bathed hylian boy, his crimson red hands lay empty and blood seemed through his clothing. The young hero gulped down the last ounce of fear staining his breathe, then, in one mighty cry he sent a chill down the very spines of every fiendish creature within Ganon’s ranks. “FOR HYRULE!!!!! FOR ZELDAA!!!!!!!!!!” The hero of time took off full haste toward the massive army, grasping hold of the lifeless clown’s jagged blade with such intensity that his knuckles ripped through his skin. Ganon raised his hand and signaled for his archers. The Bulblin archers pushed forward and drew their bows, only to notch an arrow as they took sight of the defiant hero. Ganon grinned with pleasure - Hyrule would finally be his. With a flick from Ganon wrist, the Bulblin archers unleashed their vicious attack. Link knew what was about to unfold, but with his last ounce of energy, he threw the jagged blade and watched as it soared past the deadly wall of arrows and plunged into the dark lord’s chest. Ganon looked down to see the jagged blade produced from his chest, he then looked up to see the body of Link mere feet from him – a triumphant smile sealed across his lifeless mug. Ganon merely reached down and removed the blade, only to toss it aside lazily. “Hmph, poor boy, you of all people should know that only the master sword can harm me.” Ganon walked over to Link’s corpse and observed his grin. “Or perhaps… You did not wish to know it?” Ganon lifted Link into the air, only to snap his spine – as the body went fully limp, Link once again stood beside Zelda and together they left in harmony.

Ganondorf gazed upon the destruction before him, not even a fraction of his army had been depleted on this assault and now Hyrule lay in ruins. “Zant.” Ganon grunted coldly as he looked upon the master sword. “What is it my liege?” Zant hissed as he touched down in front of the dark lord. Ganon lifted up his fist and pointed to the holy blade. “Break the spell. That blade has been my enemy for too long, now it must be mine.” Zant sighed and turned to the blade. Slowly he pushed his hands through his sleeves and exposed a shard of twilight, only to throw it at the sword with great force. The blade remained unscathed as the mist cleared, but something had changed. Zant walked forward and lifted the sword – the magic protecting it had been removed. “Good!” King Ganondorf chuckled as he pushed himself off his thrown, only to stroll over to the soccer. “Now, go to mushroom kingdom and prepare my arrival. I would prefer a warmer welcome this time.” Zant inspected the blade before presenting it to the dark lord, but Ganon simply pushed it back. “No. Use it to install fear into their pathetic heats. I wish them to know the true power of darkness!” Zant nodded and sheathed the blade. Ganondorf whirled around dramatically, his cape whipping through the wind – additionally throwing his hand into the air and signaled for Zant to leave. “Now begone!” Zant obeyed without question - disappearing in the blink of an eye. Ganondorf once again found he was seated in Hyrule’s thrown room - the rest of the castle in ruins around him. A dark, dismal, mist hovered above the land of Hyrule, and Ganon’s army awaited their next command.

Meanwhile…

Mushroom Kingdom was at peace, and Bowser again was defeated. The land was joyous and jubilant as Toads and Yoshis frolicked about, free from worry as their hero, Mario, once again saved the princess, Peach. Inside the castle, Mario and his brother, Luigi, stood before the steward, Toadsworth, and princess Peach. A medal was placed over the necks of both the brothers as a symbol of thanks for saving their kingdom. “Thank-a you, princess!” Mario exclaimed as the golden sphere dangle about his chest. Luigi gazed at it dumfounded as it rested in his palm. He snapped out of it and saluted the princess awkwardly. “Neva mind-a him princess! We best be going.” Mario grabbed Luigi by the back of his overalls and dragged him out of the castle. Princess Peach held her hand to her mouth as she giggled at the duo. “They’re so cute, aren’t they Toadsworth?” Toadsworth simply shook his head in wonderment.
Far off in the mysterious mountain tops, the koopa king plotted. “BAH!” He yelled. “Those meddling plumbers foiled me once again! The nerve of those fools! Kamek!” The magikoopa came flying in on broomstick at the sound of his name. “Yes lord Bowser?” Kamek bowed and awaited his orders. “I need a warship! A big warship! NO! An army of koopas! Or a robot replica of Godzilla! Get me my crown! I want my crown!!!” Bowser began to get teary eyed as he awaited Kamek’s return. “Settle down your highness. It was only a minor setback, you are still king.” Kamek patted the overgrown turtle on the back in an attempt to comfort him. “BAH!!!” Bowser boomed, sending the frightened magikoopa into a wall. A dark figure stood in the corner of Bowser’s thrown room, his silhouette finally noticed. “Greetings.” Sneered the man, his face blanked with a mask of shadows. The koopa king roared in anger at the intrusion. “GRAAAA! You will pay for this! Kamek, kill it!” The magikoopa sped forward and raised his staff, but before he could utter a word, the mystery figure had fired an energy blast from his palm and obliterated the koopa’s head. Kamek’s corpse fell to the floor with a thud- his brain matter splashing against Bowser’s face. Bowser opened his jaw and gazed upon the shadow figure with wide eyes. “What do you want!?” Bowser coward in terror as the man moved forward. “What do I want?... I want you.” Bowser looked down at the eerie blade gliding through the air, he raised his hands in defense but is attempts were soured as the blade slid through his grasps and plunged through his chest. Darkness consumed the koopa king, and in a matter of moments, Bowser was gone – and a shadow was born.

Zant stood over the swirling vortex of shadows as they feasted upon the body of the recently deceased. Then, the koopa king rose to his feet - his body and mind, but a shadow of what they once were. Suddenly, Bowser howled in agony as his limbs grew abruptly, ripping through his flesh with ease. Zant grinned with pleasure as the monster before continued his metamorphose. The green skin of the koopa was no more, now his flesh was shredded, bloodied, and black. The former king hunched over as a shock ripped through his spine, he unleashed a bloodcurdling scream as wings sprouted out from beneath his shell. His eyes bulged and his face twisted, then, with a “POP”, his eyes exploded before Zant’s watching gaze. The servant of darkness walked up to the creature before him. The being once known as Bowser now stood 30 feet tall, his massive head and wings hunched over to avoid the throne room’s ceiling. A glowing yellow light visible inside his open eye sockets, symbolizing nothing but evil. Zant’s helmet opened, revealing his maniacal face, and as the shadow Bowser unleashed an arsenal of flames, he made his insanity known, laughing uncontrollably.

The chief guard of the Mushroom Retainers, Toad, stood on top of a lush hill, his eyes widened in wonder as darkness approached him. “Wa?” He gasped. From out of the shadows, Zant’s army emerged. Various shadow creatures consisting of what were formerly Bowser’s minions marched toward the lone Toad. “AH! I must warn Master Mario!” The toad took off full haste down the hill and towards the castle.

Mario and Luigi stood just outside the main palace - Professor E. Gadd and Yoshi beside them. “What-a is it Professor?” Mario questioned as he looked upon E. Gadd’s newest invention. “I call it the Master Blade!” E. Gadd exclaimed. “Haven’t I-a heard that before?” Mario scratched his head in confusion. “OOF!” E. Gadd slammed his cane on Mario’s head. “Preposterous! It is completely original!” Mario swayed back and forth and stars hovered above his head. “MASTER MARIO!!!!” Toad yelled running into view. By instinct, Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi all jumped into action, landing directly in front of the breathless Toad. “What is-a wrong?!” Mario yelled concerned. Toad couldn’t speak, but he didn’t need to, he simply pointed toward the approaching darkness. Mario and Luigi jumped in shock, and by the time they touched the ground, all of Mushroom Kingdom was at arms. Mario and Luigi were separated in the disorder, and Toad picked up a spear and ran to the front of the lines. Disoriented, Mario made is way over to E. Gadd’s shop, there he found the professor still holding the Master Blade. “Professor! We need to get to the princess!” Mario blurted out once he recovered. Without delay, E. Gadd leaped into his garage and came flying out in a saucer-like ship. Mario nodded and leaped into the craft and together they rocketed toward Peach’s castle.

Toads and Yoshis came crashing into the lines of Twilight creatures, both lines falling to the others attacks. The twilight creatures could still think, but not in the same way as before, now there only objective was to serve Zant and kill anyone who opposed him – by any means necessary. The chief guard now stood in the center of the battlefield, his brow was wet with the sweat of combat and his spear stained with the blood of his enemies. As his Yoshi was killed beneath him and he rolled to his feet, he thrust his spear forward and impaled Roy Koopa - or what used to be him. The twilight creature simply pulled himself along the spear and grew closer to the young toad, who in his terror, dropped the weapon and fell to his back. Roy Koopa moved forward, the spear still skewered though his torso, and as his hand turned into a mace, he slammed it down on the helpless Toad – the spiked ball connecting with his head, effectively knocking him unconscious. As the chief guard layout of commission, the battle raged on regardless around his unmoving corpse.

Mario leaped out from the vehicle as it docked next to the castle, E. Gadd shortly behind him. Quickly, they burst through the doorway and looked on to see Peach and Toadsworth standing before a shadowy figure. “Princess!” Mario yelled, and with that, Zant lifted his hand to the old steward and he exploded instantaneously – his insides painted Peach’s dress gruesomely. “No!” Peach cried out before grabbing a spear and charging toward Zant. The servant of darkness simply beheaded the spear and threw the princess to the ground, but before he could deal the final blow, something struck his head and sent him flying. “MARIO!!” Luigi yelled as he stood weaponless before the dark soccer; having thrown his hammer to defend the princess. Mario leaped across the room in one mighty “super jump” before ricocheting a dark magic blast about to strike his brother with the Master Blade. As this occurred, E. Gadd grabbed the princess and together they sprinted out of the castle. Zant watched them leave before turning to the brothers. “You’re going to regret that… I’ll make sure of it!” Zant threw his hands above his head and slammed them together – as he did so, the left wall burst open and a horrifying best emerged – his yellow eyes could be seen through the mist. “BWAHAHAHAHA!” The monster laughed, revealing but an ounce of his former persona. “Bowser?” Mario exclaimed, surprised to see his rival in such a condition. The rotting flesh of the Koopa King dangled about him as he entered into the castle; his wings only opening when he was fully inside. Mario leaped back and narrowed his eyes in defiance, only to draw forth his own hammer and throw it to his brother. “Ready Luigi!?” Mario asked turning to his brother. “Ready Mario!” His now armed brother replied as he looked back. “FOR THE PRINCESS!” The brothers yelled in union as they leaped toward their foes.

……………………

Mario has an exact replica of the Master Sword called the Master Blade (just don’t tell E. Gadd.) And Luigi has Mario’s signature Hammer. They are fighting Zant who has the master sword - it is now reversed, being able to repel good instead of evil. His twilight Monster, Bowser is now standing at 30 feet and has wings, longer arms, more durability, far greater strength, stronger fire breathe, and sharper claws. He is the perfect Twilight creature. The health bar is not present, this is realistic mode. Of course, Mario’s unrealistic attacks still work; he just can die like a normal human would.

Outside we have Toads and Yoshis vs the result of if Twilight Princess was a Mario game. All the Goombas, Koopas, and other Mario enemies are now twilight creature and much more deadly. Bowser’s children are leading the charge.

So, who wins? Will darkness rule over Mushroom Kingdom? Will Ganondorf receive his warm welcome? Or will Mario defend his homeland and save the princess once more? You decide!

As far I can see .There is nothing wrong.
Oh and Luigi aint gonna make it.But Mario will .

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 09:15 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 04:39 PM)
Anybody can review here. This is open review area.

Anyway, since ND4 said it was not that long. dry.gif I'll read it.

lol. When? You said that an hour ago. happy.gif

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 09:16 PM
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 10 2009, 04:55 PM)
As far I can see .There is nothing wrong.
Oh and Luigi aint gonna make it.But Mario will .

Thanks man. happy.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 09:52 PM
An hour ago. It has taken me that long to read the first paragraph. tongue.gif

ND4, you don't have to copy the WHOLE story to tell him. "It's okay." happy.gif Silly ND4.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 09:53 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 09:52 PM)
An hour ago. It has taken me that long to read the first paragraph. tongue.gif

ND4, you don't have to copy the WHOLE story to tell him. "It's okay." happy.gif Silly ND4.

What!??! It took you that long?! Dude I am a speed reader. I even read better then Collage kids.I can read a whole dictornary in 21 mintunes.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 10 2009, 09:54 PM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 10 2009, 09:16 PM)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 10 2009, 04:55 PM)
As far I can see .There is nothing wrong.
  Oh and Luigi aint gonna make it.But Mario will .

Thanks man. happy.gif

Hey Blod since Trech reivwed it.Could you review my Roy match?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 09:55 PM
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 10 2009, 09:53 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 09:52 PM)
An hour ago.  It has taken me that long to read the first paragraph.  tongue.gif

ND4, you don't have to copy the WHOLE story to tell him.  "It's okay."  happy.gif  Silly ND4.

What!??! It took you that long?! Dude I am a speed reader. I even read better then Collage kids.I can read a whole dictornary in 21 mintunes.

I can take a dump in 20 minutes.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 10 2009, 11:19 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 05:52 PM)
An hour ago. It has taken me that long to read the first paragraph. tongue.gif

ND4, you don't have to copy the WHOLE story to tell him. "It's okay." happy.gif Silly ND4.

lol. Come on. You didn't finish it yet?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 10 2009, 11:54 PM
Wow. That was really good. Epicness. It's so sad. So much death. Everybodys getting stabbed in the chest. There are little spelling errors and this and that, but it doesn't distract from the story. Very impressive Bloody. Very impressive. Who cares about the length really. It's good. Post it.

It is sort of like a battle for the video game universe. Mario's Kingdom is caput if Ganon can do all of that to the Zelda world. I don't know who half these characters are, but you seem to really know them well. I like it. Continue it. Post it. Go Bloody.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 11 2009, 12:32 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 07:54 PM)
Wow. That was really good. Epicness. It's so sad. So much death. Everybodys getting stabbed in the chest. There are little spelling errors and this and that, but it doesn't distract from the story. Very impressive Bloody. Very impressive. Who cares about the length really. It's good. Post it.

It is sort of like a battle for the video game universe. Mario's Kingdom is caput if Ganon can do all of that to the Zelda world. I don't know who half these characters are, but you seem to really know them well. I like it. Continue it. Post it. Go Bloody.

Awesome! Thanks man! No blatant errors I should fix before posting? huh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 11 2009, 12:43 AM
Nothing major. A few spelling errors, but nothing that is so bothersome it makes my eyes bleed.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 11 2009, 12:45 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 08:43 PM)
Nothing major. A few spelling errors, but nothing that is so bothersome it makes my eyes bleed.

No spelling errors come up on word, but I think that's cuz I used words like "seemed" instead of "seeped"..... Dang.... I don't wanna read all that.... >.<

Guess I'll post as is... Hopefully Grano will be back in time to catch it.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 11 2009, 12:52 AM
Wait, you said something about the paragraphs? huh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 11 2009, 12:53 AM
Hey, you're right? Did you go back in and fix it? Hmph. Maybe it was all those crazy names: Impas, Koopas, Gonads, Goomba, Hoopas. I don't know those guys. I say post it. I did a Word check. Flawless Victory.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 11 2009, 12:56 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 08:53 PM)
Hey, you're right? Did you go back in and fix it? Hmph. Maybe it was all those crazy names: Impas, Koopas, Gonads, Goomba, Hoopas. I don't know those guys. I say post it. I did a Word check. Flawless Victory.

Awesome! Hopefully a few people will read it.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 11 2009, 01:24 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 11:54 PM)
Wow. That was really good. Epicness. It's so sad. So much death. Everybodys getting stabbed in the chest. There are little spelling errors and this and that, but it doesn't distract from the story. Very impressive Bloody. Very impressive. Who cares about the length really. It's good. Post it.

It is sort of like a battle for the video game universe. Mario's Kingdom is caput if Ganon can do all of that to the Zelda world. I don't know who half these characters are, but you seem to really know them well. I like it. Continue it. Post it. Go Bloody.

Um Trech I have a another CBUB match that I want you to look at .

Noob and Smoke vs Sub Zero.


Sub Zero had been chased by Scorpion long enough. The Lin Kwei Grandmaster found Scorpion and challenged him to a final Mortal Kombat. Scorp started the match with a fireball which Sz ducked under.Sub Zero then froze Scorpion's feet .
Scorp noticed this and put his right hand around the hilt of his hell sword the Mugai Ruy and waited fro Sz. Sz then slid down to break Scorp's feet off.

Scorp then glared and Sz then thought he saw a little speck of remorse in the Specter's cold white eyes. But the Specter didn't care that he felt a little remorse.
"Get over here!" The specter yelled as his trademark spear punctured the armor and flesh of Sz.

Sz then tried freezing the spear and Scorpion .But the specter had seen Sz use this maneuver before so he brought his spear 1 second before Sz was gonna freeze it . The Grandmaster of the Lin Kwei then fell to his knees .Coughing blood into his mask and holding his spear wound.

Scorpion walked over the fallen grandmaster and spoke .
" Lin Kwei I am Scorpion and you killed me in cold blood.You also slaughtered my clan . But I shall get my revenge. Sz had enough .If he was gonna die he wouldn't die alone. With that Sz reached for his Kori blade .Scorpion saw this and picked up his blade .Swish!! "Aahhahhaha" Were the only sounds the now dieing Lin Kwei made after Scorpion had used his Mugai Ruy to slice his arm off.


Scorpion:'Goodbye Lin Kwei .For good!" Snap!! Went Sub Zero's neck as the specter snapped it in two. The body fell to the ground with a thud.
Scorpion:"Hmm. No it cant be .He is not the one. Noooo!! " The Specter yelled having killed the wrong person. Meanwhile in the Netherealm the recently decreased Sub Zero had came to. Sz then got to his feet but was too busy on focusing on where he was to notice a dark figure sneak up behind him.


Bammm! The dark figure had just given one swift blow to the back of Sz's neck .
Which rendered the now decreased former Lin Kwei grandmaster uncounsious.
Two hours later ....
Sz had awoke to being hovered over a pit of spikes. "What is the meaning of this!?" The dark figure which knocked Sz uncounsious then walked up from the shadows. Sz gasped at who the figure was or used to be . " Smoke .I It cant be."
Then soon after Sz had said that a dark voice then spoke up from the background.
"Hahhaha. It is or used to be your fellow Lin Kwei Smoke."
Then it was found out that the dark voice belonged to the Wraith Noob Saibot who also used to be the former Sub Zero before his death.

Sz took that it was hard to accept that the cyborg was indeed his old friend Smoke. But he just couldn't believe that his older brother had become a wraith.
"Brother what has happened to you after your death?!"
Noob:"Brother?I have no brother for I am Noob Saibot!"
Sz sighed at the ego his older brother had got when he had descended into the Netherealm.


" So what do you plan on doing brother?" Noob simply chuckled and responded to his little brother." Sigh. Are you that simple Lin Kwie? Your going to die !"
Sz's eyes got big at this comment and then noticed he had frozen the ropes that tied his arm together.But he had to keep his brother talking so he wouldn't notice.
"Brother why?" Noob just laughed again and brought out a practice dummy made out of remains of past fights. Noob:"To earn a rep in the Netherealm fool."
Noob then disappeared for a quick second and then the dummy's head fell to the floor .Noob then reappeared. Sz had seen enough .He wanted to leave at once.He broke the ropes and kicked his former big brother to the ground .
Noob :"Grrr. Smoke! Assist me in slaying him!"


The cyborg had no choice but to obey.Sz was saddened by this and brought out his Kori Blade and got ready for the fight of his well afterlife. Noob then got into his Monkey fighting stance which greatly freaked out his brother. Noob must have saw this because he barked this at Sub Zero. "Do not look at him that way peasant!!"
With that Noob and Smoke who first sighed and charged with his master.

Sz then charged as well. Okay it is Noob and Smoke vs Sub Zero on the Falling Cliff area were the combatants can fall of and get impaled on spikes.

Who wins?Rate.Comment.Oh and most important of all enjoy!

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 11 2009, 01:31 AM
WTF!? I posted it and it looks awful! There's icons with a ? in place of - and ™ instead of '.... F@%k!

Posted by: darkender Jan 11 2009, 02:01 AM
Stop making matches! The old matches aren't moving!

Posted by: ND4 Jan 11 2009, 02:08 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 11 2009, 02:01 AM)
Stop making matches! The old matches aren't moving!

What?

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 11 2009, 02:11 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 10 2009, 10:01 PM)
Stop making matches! The old matches aren't moving!

I noticed that too. Why is that?

Posted by: Bassetman Jan 11 2009, 02:20 AM
QUOTE (Bloody_Freak @ Jan 11 2009, 02:11 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 10 2009, 10:01 PM)
Stop making matches! The old matches aren't moving!

I noticed that too. Why is that?

The CBUB's dieing.

WOO!

Posted by: darkender Jan 11 2009, 02:49 AM
I told you guys I'm taking out CBUB! teu42.gif

You didn't believe me! teu42.gif

Soon it will fall! teu42.gif

Posted by: ND4 Jan 11 2009, 03:04 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 11 2009, 02:49 AM)
I told you guys I'm taking out CBUB! teu42.gif

You didn't believe me! teu42.gif

Soon it will fall! teu42.gif

Aww man.I am already writing my newest match. sad.gif smile.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 11 2009, 03:25 AM
Move this conversation to the CBUB section in rants.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 11 2009, 03:46 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 10 2009, 09:49 PM)
I told you guys I'm taking out CBUB! teu42.gif

You didn't believe me! teu42.gif

Soon it will fall! teu42.gif

Somehow I doubt it was you.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 11 2009, 04:43 AM
Thank the gods !! I did it guys!!! I finally did it!!!I made my longest setup yet!!!
Plakton vs Danny Phatom on Cbub.


Posted by: darkender Jan 11 2009, 05:50 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 11 2009, 03:46 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 10 2009, 09:49 PM)
I told you guys I'm taking out CBUB! teu42.gif

You didn't believe me! teu42.gif

Soon it will fall!  teu42.gif

Somehow I doubt it was you.

I dont give a crap what you doubt.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 12 2009, 03:41 AM
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 11 2009, 01:24 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 11:54 PM)
Wow.  That was really good.  Epicness.  It's so sad.  So much death.  Everybodys getting stabbed in the chest.  There are little spelling errors and this and that, but it doesn't distract from the story.  Very impressive Bloody.  Very impressive.  Who cares about the length really.  It's good.  Post it. 

It is sort of like a battle for the video game universe.  Mario's Kingdom is caput if Ganon can do all of that to the Zelda world.  I don't know who half these characters are, but you seem to really know them well.  I like it.  Continue it.  Post it.  Go Bloody.

Um Trech I have a another CBUB match that I want you to look at .

Noob and Smoke vs Sub Zero.


Sub Zero had been chased by Scorpion long enough. The Lin Kwei Grandmaster found Scorpion and challenged him to a final Mortal Kombat. Scorp started the match with a fireball which Sz ducked under.Sub Zero then froze Scorpion's feet .
Scorp noticed this and put his right hand around the hilt of his hell sword the Mugai Ruy and waited fro Sz. Sz then slid down to break Scorp's feet off.

Scorp then glared and Sz then thought he saw a little speck of remorse in the Specter's cold white eyes. But the Specter didn't care that he felt a little remorse.
"Get over here!" The specter yelled as his trademark spear punctured the armor and flesh of Sz.

Sz then tried freezing the spear and Scorpion .But the specter had seen Sz use this maneuver before so he brought his spear 1 second before Sz was gonna freeze it . The Grandmaster of the Lin Kwei then fell to his knees .Coughing blood into his mask and holding his spear wound.

Scorpion walked over the fallen grandmaster and spoke .
" Lin Kwei I am Scorpion and you killed me in cold blood.You also slaughtered my clan . But I shall get my revenge. Sz had enough .If he was gonna die he wouldn't die alone. With that Sz reached for his Kori blade .Scorpion saw this and picked up his blade .Swish!! "Aahhahhaha" Were the only sounds the now dieing Lin Kwei made after Scorpion had used his Mugai Ruy to slice his arm off.


Scorpion:'Goodbye Lin Kwei .For good!" Snap!! Went Sub Zero's neck as the specter snapped it in two. The body fell to the ground with a thud.
Scorpion:"Hmm. No it cant be .He is not the one. Noooo!! " The Specter yelled having killed the wrong person. Meanwhile in the Netherealm the recently decreased Sub Zero had came to. Sz then got to his feet but was too busy on focusing on where he was to notice a dark figure sneak up behind him.


Bammm! The dark figure had just given one swift blow to the back of Sz's neck .
Which rendered the now decreased former Lin Kwei grandmaster uncounsious.
Two hours later ....
Sz had awoke to being hovered over a pit of spikes. "What is the meaning of this!?" The dark figure which knocked Sz uncounsious then walked up from the shadows. Sz gasped at who the figure was or used to be . " Smoke .I It cant be."
Then soon after Sz had said that a dark voice then spoke up from the background.
"Hahhaha. It is or used to be your fellow Lin Kwei Smoke."
Then it was found out that the dark voice belonged to the Wraith Noob Saibot who also used to be the former Sub Zero before his death.

Sz took that it was hard to accept that the cyborg was indeed his old friend Smoke. But he just couldn't believe that his older brother had become a wraith.
"Brother what has happened to you after your death?!"
Noob:"Brother?I have no brother for I am Noob Saibot!"
Sz sighed at the ego his older brother had got when he had descended into the Netherealm.


" So what do you plan on doing brother?" Noob simply chuckled and responded to his little brother." Sigh. Are you that simple Lin Kwie? Your going to die !"
Sz's eyes got big at this comment and then noticed he had frozen the ropes that tied his arm together.But he had to keep his brother talking so he wouldn't notice.
"Brother why?" Noob just laughed again and brought out a practice dummy made out of remains of past fights. Noob:"To earn a rep in the Netherealm fool."
Noob then disappeared for a quick second and then the dummy's head fell to the floor .Noob then reappeared. Sz had seen enough .He wanted to leave at once.He broke the ropes and kicked his former big brother to the ground .
Noob :"Grrr. Smoke! Assist me in slaying him!"


The cyborg had no choice but to obey.Sz was saddened by this and brought out his Kori Blade and got ready for the fight of his well afterlife. Noob then got into his Monkey fighting stance which greatly freaked out his brother. Noob must have saw this because he barked this at Sub Zero. "Do not look at him that way peasant!!"
With that Noob and Smoke who first sighed and charged with his master.

Sz then charged as well. Okay it is Noob and Smoke vs Sub Zero on the Falling Cliff area were the combatants can fall of and get impaled on spikes.

Who wins?Rate.Comment.Oh and most important of all enjoy!

You know ND4, I'm going to tell you like I tell everyone. You really know these characters (Mortal Kombat, horror movies) well. I want to see you go outside the box. Try some characters you're not used to. Mix it up. Try some that aren't your usual. Okay. Okay.

Posted by: ND4 Jan 12 2009, 04:02 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 12 2009, 03:41 AM)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 11 2009, 01:24 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 10 2009, 11:54 PM)
Wow.  That was really good.  Epicness.  It's so sad.  So much death.  Everybodys getting stabbed in the chest.  There are little spelling errors and this and that, but it doesn't distract from the story.  Very impressive Bloody.  Very impressive.  Who cares about the length really.  It's good.  Post it. 

It is sort of like a battle for the video game universe.  Mario's Kingdom is caput if Ganon can do all of that to the Zelda world.  I don't know who half these characters are, but you seem to really know them well.  I like it.  Continue it.  Post it.  Go Bloody.

Um Trech I have a another CBUB match that I want you to look at .

Noob and Smoke vs Sub Zero.


Sub Zero had been chased by Scorpion long enough. The Lin Kwei Grandmaster found Scorpion and challenged him to a final Mortal Kombat. Scorp started the match with a fireball which Sz ducked under.Sub Zero then froze Scorpion's feet .
Scorp noticed this and put his right hand around the hilt of his hell sword the Mugai Ruy and waited fro Sz. Sz then slid down to break Scorp's feet off.

Scorp then glared and Sz then thought he saw a little speck of remorse in the Specter's cold white eyes. But the Specter didn't care that he felt a little remorse.
"Get over here!" The specter yelled as his trademark spear punctured the armor and flesh of Sz.

Sz then tried freezing the spear and Scorpion .But the specter had seen Sz use this maneuver before so he brought his spear 1 second before Sz was gonna freeze it . The Grandmaster of the Lin Kwei then fell to his knees .Coughing blood into his mask and holding his spear wound.

Scorpion walked over the fallen grandmaster and spoke .
" Lin Kwei I am Scorpion and you killed me in cold blood.You also slaughtered my clan . But I shall get my revenge. Sz had enough .If he was gonna die he wouldn't die alone. With that Sz reached for his Kori blade .Scorpion saw this and picked up his blade .Swish!! "Aahhahhaha" Were the only sounds the now dieing Lin Kwei made after Scorpion had used his Mugai Ruy to slice his arm off.


Scorpion:'Goodbye Lin Kwei .For good!" Snap!! Went Sub Zero's neck as the specter snapped it in two. The body fell to the ground with a thud.
Scorpion:"Hmm. No it cant be .He is not the one. Noooo!! " The Specter yelled having killed the wrong person. Meanwhile in the Netherealm the recently decreased Sub Zero had came to. Sz then got to his feet but was too busy on focusing on where he was to notice a dark figure sneak up behind him.


Bammm! The dark figure had just given one swift blow to the back of Sz's neck .
Which rendered the now decreased former Lin Kwei grandmaster uncounsious.
Two hours later ....
Sz had awoke to being hovered over a pit of spikes. "What is the meaning of this!?" The dark figure which knocked Sz uncounsious then walked up from the shadows. Sz gasped at who the figure was or used to be . " Smoke .I It cant be."
Then soon after Sz had said that a dark voice then spoke up from the background.
"Hahhaha. It is or used to be your fellow Lin Kwei Smoke."
Then it was found out that the dark voice belonged to the Wraith Noob Saibot who also used to be the former Sub Zero before his death.

Sz took that it was hard to accept that the cyborg was indeed his old friend Smoke. But he just couldn't believe that his older brother had become a wraith.
"Brother what has happened to you after your death?!"
Noob:"Brother?I have no brother for I am Noob Saibot!"
Sz sighed at the ego his older brother had got when he had descended into the Netherealm.


" So what do you plan on doing brother?" Noob simply chuckled and responded to his little brother." Sigh. Are you that simple Lin Kwie? Your going to die !"
Sz's eyes got big at this comment and then noticed he had frozen the ropes that tied his arm together.But he had to keep his brother talking so he wouldn't notice.
"Brother why?" Noob just laughed again and brought out a practice dummy made out of remains of past fights. Noob:"To earn a rep in the Netherealm fool."
Noob then disappeared for a quick second and then the dummy's head fell to the floor .Noob then reappeared. Sz had seen enough .He wanted to leave at once.He broke the ropes and kicked his former big brother to the ground .
Noob :"Grrr. Smoke! Assist me in slaying him!"


The cyborg had no choice but to obey.Sz was saddened by this and brought out his Kori Blade and got ready for the fight of his well afterlife. Noob then got into his Monkey fighting stance which greatly freaked out his brother. Noob must have saw this because he barked this at Sub Zero. "Do not look at him that way peasant!!"
With that Noob and Smoke who first sighed and charged with his master.

Sz then charged as well. Okay it is Noob and Smoke vs Sub Zero on the Falling Cliff area were the combatants can fall of and get impaled on spikes.

Who wins?Rate.Comment.Oh and most important of all enjoy!

You know ND4, I'm going to tell you like I tell everyone. You really know these characters (Mortal Kombat, horror movies) well. I want to see you go outside the box. Try some characters you're not used to. Mix it up. Try some that aren't your usual. Okay. Okay.

I am. I am using cartoons.

Posted by: greatness3045 Jan 12 2009, 03:51 PM
No CBUB mean i have nothing to live for *tries to commit suicide by jumping of car*

Posted by: treacherous Jan 12 2009, 05:40 PM
QUOTE (greatness3045 @ Jan 12 2009, 03:51 PM)
No CBUB mean i have nothing to live for *tries to commit suicide by jumping of car*

They're working on it.

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 12 2009, 05:50 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 12 2009, 01:40 PM)
QUOTE (greatness3045 @ Jan 12 2009, 03:51 PM)
No CBUB mean i have nothing to live for *tries to commit suicide by jumping of car*

They're working on it.

To late, he's dead.... Moving on. sleep.gif

Posted by: greatness3045 Jan 13 2009, 08:45 PM
Sorry but wahts FPL i dont know what it is but keep hearing about it. Is it a forum like this one or what. ANd what is the site it is on.

Posted by: darkender Jan 13 2009, 08:51 PM
QUOTE (greatness3045 @ Jan 13 2009, 08:45 PM)
Sorry but wahts FPL i dont know what it is but keep hearing about it. Is it a forum like this one or what. ANd what is the site it is on.

It's on Electric ferret. Its a site where you make a super hero/ villain and fight others creations. The catch is that its based more on Grammar and a good story, rather than powers.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 13 2009, 09:20 PM
CBUB = minor leagues
FPL = major leagues

Simple as that.

Posted by: darkender Jan 13 2009, 09:22 PM
Yea, I'm in the major league...

Posted by: treacherous Jan 13 2009, 09:27 PM
You are.

Posted by: darkender Jan 13 2009, 09:41 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 13 2009, 09:27 PM)
You are.

So are you...

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now. (Powers and stats come to me last.) I'll post here when it's done.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 13 2009, 11:38 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM)
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now. (Powers and stats come to me last.) I'll post here when it's done.

Pooooost it.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 13 2009, 11:42 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 13 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM)
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now.  (Powers and stats come to me last.)  I'll post here when it's done.

Pooooost it.

You can't rush art. I rushed the last two and look what happened. It'll be up by the end of tonight.

Posted by: darkender Jan 13 2009, 11:42 PM
Wait we wlready have this in the Chit Chat section.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 06:42 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 13 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 13 2009, 10:35 PM)
I'm working on the first draft of my new charcter's backround personality now.  (Powers and stats come to me last.)  I'll post here when it's done.

Pooooost it.

You can't rush art. I rushed the last two and look what happened. It'll be up by the end of tonight.

Here it is, have a hayday:

Character Name: Morshan Sakru: The Last Technomancer

“Morshan, it’s time for your lessons.” called an elderly voice.. Morshan, brushed the dirt black hair out of his amber eyes and stood. up.

“I’ll be right there Master Naruhan!” Morshan sprinted through the stainless steel complex he called home. He looked rather sickly in the fluorescent lighting but that was merely because it made him look even paler than he was, if that were possible. Morshan, as well as the rest of his people rarely saw sunlight; it just wasn’t safe with the Avatars out there.

Morshan shuddered when he thought of the Avatars, not out of fear but out of hatred. They were the sworn enemies of his people; they were the reason he, his parents, his grandparents and so many others before them were forced to live on the run or as shut-ins in the complex. Just the thought of Avatars made him sick.

Finally Morshan reached his destination, a room that looked far more ancient than any part of his home: the Chamber of the Elders. The door slammed behind him as he walked in. The room was covered in blue padded mats and was completely lightless except for a torch mounted on each wall. In the center of the room a bald man who looked to be in his eighties, his entire body, tanned and wrinkled in a relaxed meditative pose.

“So you finally arrive Morshan.” The man said without opening his eyes. Morshan tensed, how had his teacher known he was there?

“Master Naruhan, how did you-” Morshan was cut off by Naruhan.

“I could sense the electrical impulses radiating from your body. This is just one of the many abilities of a Technomancer. I covered it in the last lesson.” Naruhan opened his eyes, they were a deep ocean blue. Much was held in those eyes, they were strong yet gentle. Those eyes held great wisdom and the energy of a toddler at the same time. Those were powerful eyes; they held a power only matched by the Elder’s voice.

“I humbly apologize Master Naruhan, Morshan whispered, giving a small bow, my mind has tendency to wander.”

“I can see that, you forgot to change into your robes Morshan. Another late night with Hecklow, the Elder inquired. Morshan once again hung his head, this time both in shame and in an effort to hide the deep crimson blush that now graced his cheeks. Naruhan laughed a hearty laugh, There is nothing to be ashamed of Morshan, Hecklow is a fine and beautiful young woman and you’re both nearly seventeen. “

“I fear we may be taking it to fast Master.” Morshan confided. Naruhan laughed so hard his entire body shook and he could hardly breathe. After a few minutes of gasping and a prolonged glare from his student, the sage-like Technomancer was able to compose himself.
“I’m sorry, Naruhan told him, that was rather inappropriate of me. Morshan you needn’t worry about taking things to fast with Hecklow, if you ask this old man you’re taking it to slow. Why your parents were married when the were fifteen.” Morshan got a far off look in his eyes, as if he was sinking deep into his own soul or more accurately, his nightmares. Morshan’s parents died when he was seven. They died fighting Avatars. In all the years he lived Morshan would never forget the day the corpses of his only family were brought home…

Flashback:

A squadron of Avatars had been spotted ten miles due East the compound. Having Avatars skulk around was something every one was used to, it had been that way since long before they were born but the war had never been this close to home. Not wanting anyone in a panic Naruhan ordered a preemptive strike.

“Who will go ward of this threat to our home?” Naruhan inquired. Morshan’s mother stood up.

“I will go Lord Naruhan.” she declared.

“Are you sure, Morgana? After all, Morshan needs a mother as well as a father.” Naruhan questioned.

“She will be fine because I’m going too. It would look bad if I let my wife show me up.” Morshan’s father let his manly need to be the protector take over.

“There’s no need to be so macho, Terorojack, I’m one of the best female Technomancers in history.” Morgana reminded him.

“I’m just as good as you, why should you get to have all the fun?” Terorojack asked rhetorically, puffing out his chest. Morgana rolled her eyes and looked down as she felt a tug on her skirt.

“What’s wrong Morshan?” she asked in a kind voice.

“Please don’t go Mommy, I don’t like to be alone. begged a seven year old Morshan.

“We won’t be gone long sweetie, I promise.” That was the last promise she would ever make before she died. The next day Morshan’s parents, as well as three other Technomancers clad in the traditional carbon steel armor went off in search of the enemy Avatars. As Morgana had promised they weren’t gone long but when they came back two were in death shrouds. The two fallen warriors were Morgana and Terorojack: Morshan’s parents. He cried for a month after that. His parents had been declared heroes for dying to complete an important mission but Morshan didn’t care; over time his sadness gave birth to a thirst for vengeance. He would make the Avatars pay; He Morshan Sakru would be the greatest Technomancer the world had ever seen. He swore it on the very blood that ran through his veins.

End Flashback

Tears rolled freely from Morshan’s eyes, It’s not fair, he muttered, why did they have to die? WHY?!”

“Morshan, I had no idea it still hurt that much. Perhaps, it would be better if we cancelled today’s lesson?” Naruhan suggested

“NO, Morshan snapped angrily, just let me get my robe and we can have our lesson.” His teacher nodded in understanding as Morshan left the room.

Personality:

Morshan dashed back toward his room in the compound, not looking where he was going. Even for a Technomancer in training who can somewhat sense people coming, taking your eyes off the path you walk is not a good idea. For Morshan it was particularly bad because he ran strait in a very angry looking female, who jus happed to be his girlfriend Hecklow.

“Look Morshan, I know I said I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet but this is not exactly what I had in mind.” she remarked in a sarcastic tone as she stood up. Morshan laughed, it was times like these that he was reminded of why he liked Hecklow so much. It was her brains and quick wit he was attracted to not her looks, of course she wasn’t exactly lacking in that department either. Hecklow stood about five feet from the ground, an inch or two shorter tan himself, had long light brown hair and vibrant green eyes. Her lips were red as the rose and the rest of her body was… aesthetically pleasing to say the least. Not to mention that her voice was as sweet as honey and as mesmerizing as a symphony but as anyone who knew her would attest, don’t let that fool you, her tongue a serrated obsidian knife.

“You know me, I like to surprise people.” Morshan replied smirking as he got off the ground.

“Is your lesson with Master Naruhan over?” Hecklow asked trying to make polite conversation.
“No, I forgot my robe but I did learn something, he thinks we’re taking it too slow, you?” Morshan inquired.


“Sentry duty.” she replied flatly. Sentry duty was the job of the more inexperienced warriors in the compound. Morshan tried to hide the twinge of jealousy at the fact that she became a full Technomancer before him. It wasn’t that he lacked the drive or even the skill, he just lacked the attention span.

“You don’t have to be there for another half an hour.” he noted.

“I know I was going to wait for your lesson with Master Naruhan to be finished so I could tell you how good a time I had last night.” Hecklow explained. Last night the two of them left the compound in the dead of night to go walk and talk on the surrounding beach in the light of the full moon. It wasn’t much of a date but when you’re stuck indoors for all your life and your enemy doesn’t move at night you take fresh air where you can.

“Any time.” he said dumbfounded and blushing.

“Well, I’d better not stop you from getting your robes.” Hecklow declared suddenly moving away from him. Morshan finished the trek to his room and changed into a metallic blue robe that was one size too big for him. Student Technomancers wore these robes to show respect and dedication to the art. Five minutes later, he was back in the Chamber of Elders.

“Good, you’ve returned with the garb of humility, Naruhan commented, now recite the history of Technomancers. Morshan sighed, Master Naruhan always made him do this; apparently it was essential to know where you’ve been before you get where you’re going.

“On the world of Kantesh there have always been two factions, Morshan said in a dull monotone, originally these faction were called Runers and Martial Mages. Runers practiced magic using the power of runes, or magical symbols while Martial Mages channeled magic through their bodies. This increased their speed, strength and gave them strange powers. For a time these factions lived in peace, that is until the radically religious Kiwari became leader of the Martial Mages. With his convincing speeches he swayed the Martial Mages that the will of God that they wipe the Runers of the face of Kantesh. Believing that they were servants of God the Martial Mages began to call themselves Avatars and declared war on the Runers. Thus began the war we are currently fighting and have been for the last thousand years. Our ancestors the runes were highly outclassed in the beginning by the Avatar superior fighting skills and more efficient ways of using magic. So they began to look into advancing technology, inventing things like cars and guns. However the Runers quickly realized that the resources for their new weapons were limited so the used their runes to improve there effectiveness and make them more efficient. This combination of magic and technology earned them the name Technomancers.”

“Very good, Naruhan complemented, It’s amazing you could remember all that.” (He said the last part softly enough that Morshan couldn’t hear.) Suddenly Hecklow burst in, in full Technomancer armor.

“Avatars, have broken into the compound!” She screech breathlessly.

“What?!” Naruhan was flabbergasted.

“Naruhan let me help fight, if they‘re in the compound you‘ll need everyone you can get.” Morshan demanded. Naruhan nodded.

“We don‘t have time for the ceremony but I‘m promoting you to full Technomancer, the armor and weapons are in the door behind me.” Naruhan told him.

“Thank you, Master Naruhan.” Morshan said quickly. Hecklow ran over to Morshan and kissed passionately on the lips, Morshan could do nothing but sit there with a goofy grin a beet red blush on his face for the slightest of moments. It had been both their first kisses.

“If we survive this we’re getting married.” Hecklow stated as if it were fact. Morshan didn’t have time to object, not that he wanted to but they’d have to talk about the wedding when this was all over. Right now though, it was time to show those Avatar scumbags who was boss. With renewed purpose Morshan Sakru walked into the Technomancer weapons store to prepare for battle.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 05:30 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 07:44 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 12:30 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

I want to get this part near perfect before I start the powers.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:05 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 07:44 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 12:30 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

I want to get this part near perfect before I start the powers.

Nothing can ever be close to perfect so we may be here for a few centuries...

I dont have time to go into specifics, but I will grade it.

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 6
Fluency- 7
Plot- 8
Characters- 8
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 74

A 70 or higher is good.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 08:06 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:05 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 07:44 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 12:30 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 01:12 AM)
Here it is, have a hayday.............

I'll use Wolvie's formula.

Entertainment- 7
Originality- 6
Fluency- 6
Plot- 6
Characters- 7
Distinction of Voice- 8
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 70

Overall, not a bad rough draft. It didn't really 'grab' me while reading it though. Perhaps a plot twist entailed in your powers when you write them?

I'll be looking foward to seeing your completed version happy.gif

I want to get this part near perfect before I start the powers.

Nothing can ever be close to perfect so we may be here for a few centuries...

I dont have time to go into specifics, but I will grade it.

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 6
Fluency- 7
Plot- 8
Characters- 8
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 6
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 8
Theme- 7
Overall- 74

A 70 or higher is good.

Okay, I'll aim for mid 80's- low 90's then. Hopefully Treach can get specific.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:08 PM
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 08:10 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:08 PM)
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

You just said 100 is impoosible. If I can get what I have to at least an 87, I'll start the powers.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:11 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:10 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:08 PM)
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

You just said 100 is impoosible. If I can get what I have to at least an 87, I'll start the powers.

I didnt say 100 is impossible...it is the next thing below impossible teu42.gif

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:12 PM
NOTE: Stop posting FPL character ideas here. This is not what this topic is for. Please post them in the FPL characters topic which is pinned in Chit-Chat.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 08:13 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:11 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:10 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:08 PM)
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

You just said 100 is impoosible. If I can get what I have to at least an 87, I'll start the powers.

I didnt say 100 is impossible...it is the next thing below impossible teu42.gif

A 100 would be perfect, perfection is impossible.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:16 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:11 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:10 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 03:08 PM)
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

You just said 100 is impoosible. If I can get what I have to at least an 87, I'll start the powers.

I didnt say 100 is impossible...it is the next thing below impossible teu42.gif

A 100 would be perfect, perfection is impossible.

100 does not equal perfection, because how the heck would I know that something is perfect. Writing can always always always be better. If I wanted to stay true to that statement I would have the make scale out of infinity not 100. 100 means that your writing was masterful.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 08:37 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:08 PM)
Aim for 100, chances are if you fail at least you can say that you give it your all.


Your next grano.

Oooh! I can't wait! biggrin.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 14 2009, 08:38 PM
Two reviews. Okay. I'll be back with reviews shortly.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:41 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM)
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 9
Fluency- 6
Plot- 8
Characters- 6
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 7
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 7
Theme- 8
Overall- 75

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 08:42 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:41 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM)
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 9
Fluency- 6
Plot- 8
Characters- 6
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 7
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 7
Theme- 8
Overall- 75

Damn, I thought it was better than a 75... what were the factors that made the score so low?

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 08:50 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:42 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:41 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM)
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 9
Fluency- 6
Plot- 8
Characters- 6
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 7
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 7
Theme- 8
Overall- 75

Damn, I thought it was better than a 75... what were the factors that made the score so low?

I only got a 74, get over it.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 08:52 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:50 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:42 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:41 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM)
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 9
Fluency- 6
Plot- 8
Characters- 6
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 7
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 7
Theme- 8
Overall- 75

Damn, I thought it was better than a 75... what were the factors that made the score so low?

I only got a 74, get over it.

You don't have to be rude... dry.gif

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:52 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:50 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:42 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:41 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM)
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 9
Fluency- 6
Plot- 8
Characters- 6
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 7
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 7
Theme- 8
Overall- 75

Damn, I thought it was better than a 75... what were the factors that made the score so low?

I only got a 74, get over it.

You don't have to be rude... dry.gif

I'm just saying; it's not that important.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 08:54 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 08:58 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 08:42 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:41 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 05:03 AM)
Ah, I see this is the spot to review characters now. Ok, here it goes...




FPL Character: Tortured Twin; the Life of Sarah Lynn

Mind: Superior
Body: Ultimate
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Avatar Kit

Character Background:


“Why won’t you tell me what we’re doing? Hell, I’d even be happy knowing where we’re going.” Sarah Lynn laughed as she asked Gretchen Lynn, her twin sister. The two were currently driving in Gretchen’s new Ford Explorer down a busy highway in the middle of the bustling city of Atlanta.


“It’s a secret. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise…” Gretchen said, her southern accent beginning to trail off into the distant recesses of Sarah’s mind. Gretchen had been building her up for this ‘huge surprise’ for the better part of six months now, and Sarah just didn’t care to hear the same speech yet again. Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day.


Over the past few years, the two had undergone a plethora of adventures and experienced the thrill of seeking these activities. The drive to live life to the fullest made the sisters all but inseparable in their recent endeavors. For example, Five years ago the two decided it would be fun to bicycle across country. It ended up a being a huge waste of time. By the time they had made it to the state line, their legs were sore, they were getting rained on, and Gretchen had gotten a flat tire. It was to them, extremely boring with no thrill so they turned back home.


Three years ago was their infamous bungee jump fiasco. During a vacation to Las Vegas to look for some excitement, Gretchen thought it would be exhilarating to go bungee jumping. Las Vegas has several places to jump from so naturally, Sarah threw caution to the wind and agreed. Unfortunately for them, the man set to go just before they did ended up being a suicide jumper. By the time the police arrived and the questioning took place, the sisters no longer felt like bungee jumping. For some reason, Sarah found herself envious of the dead man…


Last year, it was scuba diving in the Caribbean. Sarah and Gretchen hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when they realized the waters were infested with sharks. The twins hadn’t expected this to happen at all yet they continued to dive in what they thought was a dangerous, life threatening situation. As it turned out, the deadly sharks were simple reef sharks and there really wasn’t any inherent danger at all. Both sisters were thoroughly disappointed when they found out but none the less, the thrill of the dive was still one of the most exhilarating experiences of Sarah’s life. During the dive however, there was almost an instinct of sorts, longing for her demise.


These little daring trips were just one part of what was bothering her the most lately. She was far too old to…


“Sarah?” Gretchen said, pulling Sarah out of her self induced trance. “Sarah! Have you heard a word that I just said?”


Sheepishly, Sarah responded, “I’m sorry. It’s this damn motion sickness. I’m just feeling a little sick is all. Are we almost there?”


“Well, if you’d been listening you’d know that we’re only four miles away.” Gretchen said sarcastically. With the wrinkle that she always gets on her forehead when she’s upset added to the tone of her voice, it was quite apparent that Gretchen was more than slightly annoyed from being ignored.


Sarah sat up suddenly and realized what that meant. “Wait, wasn’t there a sign we just passed that said the airport was four miles away?”


Character Personality:


Ten minutes and a lot of traffic later, the sisters pulled into the William B. Hartsfield International Airport. Sarah was now thoroughly confused now. Gretchen led her into the airport and down to a private terminal. When they got there, a young gentleman greeted the ladies, “Hello, I’m Captain Harris. I’ll be piloting your jump this evening.”


Gretchen could see the shocked expression on Sarah’s face and pulled her to the side. “Surprise! We’re going skydiving today!” Gretchen said trying to hide the obvious excitement in her voice.


“I thought you had to take classes for this before you could jump out of a perfectly good plane.” Sarah said very confused.


“I know that, but the pilot doesn’t. I printed up some fake papers saying we’ve passed a skydiving class together and that we’ve both jumped many times. I just gave him some fake legal documents and he said he’d take us up.” a confident Gretchen responded.


Sarah had seen it done on T.V. and for years now had expressed her want to skydive. Oh, the thrill of plunging at break neck speeds towards the earth had enticed her so. A sudden shrill of excitement coursed through Sarah’s veins. This would be it. The ultimate thrill. Sarah realized she didn’t know all that was entailed in skydiving. Oh well, she didn’t care. Death would come to her sooner or later… she hoped…


One hour and 6,000 feet above the ground later, the two were strapped up and ready to go. Her haunting thoughts began to pierce her mind forcefully once again. Here it was, five minutes to the most exciting thing to ever happen in her life, and these damn questions were came back. It was bad enough that the motion sickness had already been with her since take off. Sarah realized that she would never be rid of this torture unless she confronted her sister yet again. When she got on safe ground…


“You ready?!” Gretchen said with a nervous smile, pulling her back from her thoughts once again.


“Ready as I’ll ever be. I just want to get this over with.” Sarah yelled back. The planes props made in near impossible to carry on a conversation when the side doors were open.


Gretchen and Sarah stepped up to the open doors on the side of the plane. Gretchen yelled, “Alright! Here goes nothing! Three! Two! One! GO!!!”


The feeling was truly exhilarating! This was definitely the rush that she’d always hoped for. The wind was lashing at her hair with intense fervor as she soared through the air. Sarah thought to herself that she could even see the curvature of the earth itself. She saw Gretchen out of the corner of her eye, clearly having as much fun as she was. If she were to die right now, she would die happy.


The ground was beginning to get close now. Reaching back, Sarah found the release chord and pulled. Nothing happened. She pulled again. Nothing. Panic stricken, she pulled with all her might and to her utter dismay, the chord pulled completely free, yet the chute still hadn’t open.


The ground was getting dreadfully close now. She could make out passing cars on the roads below. The last thing to go through her mind before the impact was a feeling of happiness knowing that her lifelong nightmare was finally at an end. Her questions would now be answered and relief of knowing final peace would ultimately ensue…


Tortured existence (Regeneration)
Total Power Cost: 85
Power Level: Ultimate


Sarah awoke in a confused stupor. What had just happened? Looking around, she tried desperately to figure everything out. About 100 yards away, Sarah could vaguely make out her sister running towards her. Visions of embracing death itself, and then letting death go flashed in her mind. What the hell was happening?


Gretchen made it over to her distraught sister and embraced her with all her might. “I thought I’d lost you!” Gretchen said with tears streaming down her face.


“What’s going on!? I should be dead! Why didn’t I die!?” Sarah shouted, obviously in total disarray.


Gretchen started to say, “It’s a miracle… that’s what it was…”


“Bullshit! I want to know what’s going on! We’re ninety two years old Gretch! I still look twenty! I just fell from an airplane, hit the ground, and I have no broken bones!!! I know you asked me to not bring this up anymore, but I think it’s time you told me! I want to know right now!!!” Sarah screamed, furious that she had to endure one more minute of her tortured existence here on earth.


Gretchen looked stricken with the thought of telling her sister what happened all those years ago. Gretchen’s eyes were welling up with tears. She simply closed her eyes, and began to tell her story.


Deathly Resistance (Lucky)
Total Power Cost: 75
Power Level: Ultimate


“Seventy two years ago, when we were both twenty years old, I got myself into a bad crowd…” Gretchen began. She went on to tell Sarah that she moved down south with her boyfriend at the time and that she was madly in love with him. “He was the worst of sorts though. Always gallivanting around, stealing from others to make money. Eventually, he did something terrible. He stole this…” she started to make weird hand gestures, “…valuable artifact from a self proclaimed ‘witch’. When the old lady caught up with him, he blamed the damn thing on me!”


Sarah inquired, “What did she do? Why is something that happened to you seventy two years ago affecting me?”

“I’m getting to that part.” Gretchen re-assured. “The witch put a curse on me…”


“A curse?” Sarah interrupted, raising one eyebrow; clearly disbelieving.


Gretchen continued, undaunted “Yes, a curse. This curse was to live for eternity. This curse is that I cannot die.”


Sarah looked confused. She said, “Well, then why am I affected?”


“I think it has to do with the fact that we share the same blood. We’re identical twins, we share many things. From what I’ve learned, some identical twins share even the same soul.” Gretchen added.


Sarah began to get furious now. In a fit of rage, she yelled at Gretchen, “You’ve known about this all this time and you never said anything about it!? That’s just wrong…”


“What’s your problem?” Gretchen interrupted. “This curse is actually a blessing! We don’t ever have to die…”


“A blessing? This is the worst of curses!” Sarah quickly interrupted right back. “I’ve been ready to die for the last twenty years. I’ve seen loved ones born and die before me. I’ve already had to watch my husband grow old before my eyes and die from cancer in my arms! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I don’t ever want to see you again!” Sarah shouted, tears streaming down her face. Sarah got to her feet and ran as fast as her legs would take her, Gretchen pleading at her as she put distance between the two…


Things were beginning to make sense now. How else had she been so lucky as to have stayed out of harms way for so long. It was only a matter of time before her so called ‘luck’ ran out. When she fell from that plane, another force entirely saved her from death and she intended on finding out what that was.


Sibling Rivalry (Detective)
Total Power Cost: 20
Power Level: Standard


Four years have passed since the tragic confrontation between the two sisters. True to her word, Sarah hadn’t so much as spoken one word to Gretchen. Sarah was too busy these last few years to make up to her deceitful sibling. She had taken it upon herself to find a way, any way, to cure herself of this wretched scourge. Her unrelenting hunt led her to an eerie little town in southern Louisiana.


In this small town was a woman Sarah had managed to track down through pain staking efforts. This was one of the descendants of the witch that cast the curse on her sister over seventy years ago. The woman was tough to find, but never the less she was a witch herself and her name was Ethel. Ethel knew exactly who Sarah was the second she laid eyes on her. Graciously, she invited Sarah into her home.


Even though Sarah appeared to be only twenty years old, Ethel knew that she was far older. Sitting down beside Ethel, Sarah accounted the entire story that Gretchen had told her. She told Ethel of her visions, her longing for death, and how she had tracked down Ethel for the past four years. Sarah even told of her of wanting to join her husband in the afterlife and never being able to do so. She spared no detail as to relay her tortured existence. Ethel listened intently as Sarah went over every aspect. Patiently, the witch waited until Sarah was completely finished before she spoke.


“I see…” Ethel paused for a moment, as if to take it all in. “… your sister has told you a great lie. Her soul is full of deceit and malice for my family. You seek the truth. You shall have it. Over seventy years ago, your sister and my grandmother were in competition over the same young man. My grandmother won the heart of that man. Your sister, in a fit of rage, stole that which mattered most to my grandmother; her false eye.”


Astonished by what she had just been told, Sarah asked “Why would that matter to your grandmother? What was so special about that glass eye?”


“I will tell you.” the young witch said. “It was a seeing eye. With this magical eye, she could see into the future. So precious this eye was to my grandmother that when she lost it, she cast the most wretched of curses upon your sister. The curse is of everlasting life here on earth. Your sister cannot pass into the next world such as everyone else can. You and your sister share a great bond that most people can never know. The two of you share the same soul and that is why you cannot pass into the next life either.”


A feeling of hopelessness washed over Sarah. This was it… she would never be able to die. One final question was burning her mind though, and she had to ask it. “Is there anything I can do to be able to die?”


“There is one way, but it would not be an easy task.” Ethel weighed her words carefully before continuing. “You, being of the same spirit as your sister, are the only person or thing that can harm your sister. If you were to kill your sister, the curse would be cast aside and your real age would catch up to you in an instant.”


As this new wave of hope sank into her brain, an almost evil smirk came across Sarah’s face. At once, she knew what must be done. Gretchen must die, and she would be more than ready to do just that when the time comes…

Entertainment- 8
Originality- 9
Fluency- 6
Plot- 8
Characters- 6
Distinction of Voice- 7
Enhancers - 7
Grammar/Spelling-9
Description- 7
Theme- 8
Overall- 75

Damn, I thought it was better than a 75... what were the factors that made the score so low?

Well for starters it's inconsistent. You go from writing like your a poet from the renissance to writing like an angry modern day teen. I'm not saying one is better than the other, but keep it consistent. In this story I would actually perfer something I bit for informal. I think it matches the story better.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 09:00 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 09:01 PM
If it helps I'm extremely hard to impress, when it comes to the FPL.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 09:02 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

It's just you've always otcalssed me and then we got the scores and revealed how long it took to write the characters. I'm just surprised

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 09:03 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:58 PM)
Well for starters it's inconsistent. You go from writing like your a poet from the renissance to writing like an angry modern day teen. I'm not saying one is better than the other, but keep it consistent. In this story I would actually perfer something I bit for informal. I think it matches the story better.

Huh, I thought I did write it informal. Perhaps I've spent too much time on it and I've altered it to a point were it wasn't as good as the first time I wrote it, before I started revising it so much. Oh well, thanks for the comments Wolvie. I've already submitted to the FPL. Perhaps I'll go in and try to simplify things before it goes on the floor.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 09:04 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

It's just you've always otcalssed me and then we got the scores and revealed how long it took to write the characters. I'm just surprised

I've often told you that you're better than you give yourself credit for. Keep it up. You'll improve even more with the more characters you write.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 09:06 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 09:03 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 08:58 PM)
Well for starters it's inconsistent. You go from writing like your a poet from the renissance to writing like an angry modern day teen. I'm not saying one is better than the other, but keep it consistent. In this story I would actually perfer something I bit for informal. I think it matches the story better.

Huh, I thought I did write it informal. Perhaps I've spent too much time on it and I've altered it to a point were it wasn't as good as the first time I wrote it, before I started revising it so much. Oh well, thanks for the comments Wolvie. I've already submitted to the FPL. Perhaps I'll go in and try to simplify things before it goes on the floor.

"Besides, the daunting plague of unanswered questions that had been haunting her for most of her life began to take over her thoughts again, making it impossible to listen to her sister…


Sarah had motion sickness her whole life and this car trip was no exception to her passenger ineptitude. Waves of nausea would ripple up from her stomach every time Gretchen hit even the smallest of bumps in the road. This Explorer had to be the worst vehicle for someone with motion sickness, Sarah thought. It rides up high and you can feel every damn bump in the damn road. Her sister’s insufferable droning only furthered the feeling of the eternal sinking she now had in her gut. On top of all of that, her persistent dire questions brought about what she felt would be a bad day. "

Any other questions?

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 09:07 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:04 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

It's just you've always otcalssed me and then we got the scores and revealed how long it took to write the characters. I'm just surprised

I've often told you that you're better than you give yourself credit for. Keep it up. You'll improve even more with the more characters you write.

I always thought Treach = Wolvie = you > me. When I read your stuff it always felt like it was step ahead of what I could put out.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 09:09 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:07 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:04 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

It's just you've always otcalssed me and then we got the scores and revealed how long it took to write the characters. I'm just surprised

I've often told you that you're better than you give yourself credit for. Keep it up. You'll improve even more with the more characters you write.

I always thought Treach = Wolvie = you > me. When I read your stuff it always felt like it was step ahead of what I could put out.

Nah, treach and Wolvie are both better than I am. You're an up and comer. The more you've been writing, the better you've been getting. This last character of yours is much better than a lot of your other writings.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 09:10 PM
I vow that someday I will finish translating my character. So far it looks something like this:

?¨?ˆØ?Ø·ÁÓØ?˜Ø°·Á¨?Ó?ˆ¨??°·Ø‡·° ØÁÓÒ—‚’¨ØÁ¨ˆ?ˆ¨?Ó??Ó¨ˆÁˆ¨?ˆ¨?ÏÇ°Ò؇ Øˆ Ó  ÓÔ ?˜ ÓÔ? ÓÓ?ˆ?ˆ¨Òˆ¨ÚˆØ?ÁÓ Ô?Ó?ÔÁØÇÁ‡ØÁ؈ÁÁ¨Á¨Á¨Á¨Á¨ÁÁÁ?¨?Á ÁÚØ·? ?Á¨?¨Ï?Ò¨¨·°·Á?‡?›???Í‹›?Ç›??‹›??‡‡°ˆÒ?ÓÒ¨ÔÔÔÓ?Ô˜ÓÔ ÓÔ?ˆ?Ú
ÆÒØÓ؈ˆÏ¨Á‰?‰´„´‰Í¨¨ÁÁÁÁ‰‰‰‰??ÏÓ???Ô¯ÔÏÔÁ??ˆ?

...except it goes on for pages.

Posted by: Solomon Jan 14 2009, 09:11 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 09:09 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:07 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:04 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

It's just you've always otcalssed me and then we got the scores and revealed how long it took to write the characters. I'm just surprised

I've often told you that you're better than you give yourself credit for. Keep it up. You'll improve even more with the more characters you write.

I always thought Treach = Wolvie = you > me. When I read your stuff it always felt like it was step ahead of what I could put out.

Nah, treach and Wolvie are both better than I am. You're an up and comer. The more you've been writing, the better you've been getting. This last character of yours is much better than a lot of your other writings.

...I dont know about that.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 09:12 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 14 2009, 09:10 PM)
I vow that someday I will finish translating my character. So far it looks something like this:

?¨?ˆØ?Ø·ÁÓØ?˜Ø°·Á¨?Ó?ˆ¨??°·Ø‡·° ØÁÓÒ—‚’¨ØÁ¨ˆ?ˆ¨?Ó??Ó¨ˆÁˆ¨?ˆ¨?ÏÇ°Ò؇ Øˆ Ó  ÓÔ ?˜ ÓÔ? ÓÓ?ˆ?ˆ¨Òˆ¨ÚˆØ?ÁÓ Ô?Ó?ÔÁØÇÁ‡ØÁ؈ÁÁ¨Á¨Á¨Á¨Á¨ÁÁÁ?¨?Á ÁÚØ·? ?Á¨?¨Ï?Ò¨¨·°·Á?‡?›???Í‹›?Ç›??‹›??‡‡°ˆÒ?ÓÒ¨ÔÔÔÓ?Ô˜ÓÔ ÓÔ?ˆ?Ú
ÆÒØÓ؈ˆÏ¨Á‰?‰´„´‰Í¨¨ÁÁÁÁ‰‰‰‰??ÏÓ???Ô¯ÔÏÔÁ??ˆ?

...except it goes on for pages.

What the hell happened? Wow, perhaps there is a translating website out there just for you biggrin.gif

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 09:12 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:09 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:07 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:04 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 09:02 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:56 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 08:53 PM)
I'm just saying; it's not that important.

I worked on it, perfecting if for almost two weeks. I'm dissapointed because I put a lot of time into it.

Wow, I only spent a few hours blink.gif wacko.gif You're supposed to be better than me!!!

I don't think of myself as better than anyone else. I was just dissapointed because of the time spent on the character. It's more of a dialoge story that I thought was sure to impress. I guess I was wrong... Oh well, it'll probably be my last character I'll be able to write for a few months.

It's just you've always otcalssed me and then we got the scores and revealed how long it took to write the characters. I'm just surprised

I've often told you that you're better than you give yourself credit for. Keep it up. You'll improve even more with the more characters you write.

I always thought Treach = Wolvie = you > me. When I read your stuff it always felt like it was step ahead of what I could put out.

Nah, treach and Wolvie are both better than I am. You're an up and comer. The more you've been writing, the better you've been getting. This last character of yours is much better than a lot of your other writings.

Now who's not giving himself enough credit. The reson this is better is because I'm treating as if I'm writing something like the Neshian Chronicles and not an FPL character.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 14 2009, 10:49 PM
Okay. Let's see. Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing. Me personally, I'd like some more action. However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers).

Nesh: Key thing--The powers better be good. It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano: Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak. Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone. I liked the story though. It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL. It forces you to improve. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 14 2009, 10:52 PM
Also, I didn't say anything about grammar. It is not an issue with these.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 14 2009, 10:54 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 05:49 PM)
Okay. Let's see. Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing. Me personally, I'd like some more action. However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers).

Nesh: Key thing--The powers better be good. It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano: Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak. Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone. I liked the story though. It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL. It forces you to improve. Keep up the good work.

Yeah the powers will have plenty of action. Any advice on how to better what I've got? I'm giving myself six months from yesterday to get this ready so I need stuff to work on.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 14 2009, 11:32 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 10:49 PM)
Okay. Let's see. Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing. Me personally, I'd like some more action. However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers).

Nesh: Key thing--The powers better be good. It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano: Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak. Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone. I liked the story though. It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL. It forces you to improve. Keep up the good work.

You say it begs for more... any ideas? I still have time to revise the character before it gets posted.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 15 2009, 12:48 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 10:54 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 05:49 PM)
Okay.  Let's see.  Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing.  Me personally, I'd like some more action.  However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers). 

Nesh:  Key thing--The powers better be good.  It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano:  Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak.  Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone.  I liked the story though.  It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL.  It forces you to improve.  Keep up the good work.

Yeah the powers will have plenty of action. Any advice on how to better what I've got? I'm giving myself six months from yesterday to get this ready so I need stuff to work on.

I just want to see some action with these Avatars. Showing a good use of powers.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 15 2009, 12:51 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 10:49 PM)
Okay.  Let's see.  Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing.  Me personally, I'd like some more action.  However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers). 

Nesh:  Key thing--The powers better be good.  It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano:  Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak.  Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone.  I liked the story though.  It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL.  It forces you to improve.  Keep up the good work.

You say it begs for more... any ideas? I still have time to revise the character before it gets posted.

Yeah I know its about the story in FPL, but what could she really do to anybody? I mean she seems harmless. I think she should be a little more devious. Sinister. All of this could be in the detective rank, since you've probably spent all your points. I don't know how you could do it now, but after she finds out that she needs to kill her sister that's when her badass should come out. However, you should alude to it always being there earlier.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 15 2009, 12:52 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 07:48 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 14 2009, 10:54 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 05:49 PM)
Okay.  Let's see.  Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing.  Me personally, I'd like some more action.  However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers). 

Nesh:  Key thing--The powers better be good.  It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano:  Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak.  Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone.  I liked the story though.  It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL.  It forces you to improve.  Keep up the good work.

Yeah the powers will have plenty of action. Any advice on how to better what I've got? I'm giving myself six months from yesterday to get this ready so I need stuff to work on.

I just want to see some action with these Avatars. Showing a good use of powers.

You'll see what they can do. teu42.gif

Posted by: granobulax Jan 15 2009, 01:57 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 15 2009, 12:51 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 14 2009, 11:32 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 14 2009, 10:49 PM)
Okay.  Let's see.  Nesh and Grano, I can say the same thing.  Me personally, I'd like some more action.  However, It seems like Nesh's is about to pick up with the powers and Grano's could really pick up if he gets five wins (then you can update powers). 

Nesh:  Key thing--The powers better be good.  It was getting a little slow for me.

Grano:  Interesting story, but the character seems a little weak.  Besides the fact that she is indestructible, how could she possibly hurt anyone.  I liked the story though.  It begs for more.

Regardless, this is the best thing Nesh has put in the FPL and Grano steadily improves every character.

That's one thing I like about the FPL.  It forces you to improve.  Keep up the good work.

You say it begs for more... any ideas? I still have time to revise the character before it gets posted.

Yeah I know its about the story in FPL, but what could she really do to anybody? I mean she seems harmless. I think she should be a little more devious. Sinister. All of this could be in the detective rank, since you've probably spent all your points. I don't know how you could do it now, but after she finds out that she needs to kill her sister that's when her badass should come out. However, you should alude to it always being there earlier.

Ah, I see what you mean. I only focused on the story and not about who it might face in the future. I'll try to work something in as soon as it's accepted before it hits the floor. Thanks for the valuable advice treach!

Posted by: darkender Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM
This isn't suppose to be here!!

Posted by: granobulax Jan 15 2009, 03:10 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM)
This isn't suppose to be here!!

What isn't supposed to be here? huh.gif

Posted by: darkender Jan 15 2009, 03:13 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 15 2009, 03:10 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM)
This isn't suppose to be here!!

What isn't supposed to be here? huh.gif

Theres already a FPL section.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 15 2009, 03:15 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 03:13 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 15 2009, 03:10 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM)
This isn't suppose to be here!!

What isn't supposed to be here? huh.gif

Theres already a FPL section.

So? This is specificly for criticising our stories, ideas, and characters for both FPL and CBUB. I think it makes things easier to have this thread.

Posted by: darkender Jan 15 2009, 03:17 AM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 15 2009, 03:15 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 03:13 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 15 2009, 03:10 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM)
This isn't suppose to be here!!

What isn't supposed to be here? huh.gif

Theres already a FPL section.

So? This is specificly for criticising our stories, ideas, and characters for both FPL and CBUB. I think it makes things easier to have this thread.

...Oh I see. I suppose we should be posting in places other than chit chat.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 15 2009, 03:38 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 03:17 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 15 2009, 03:15 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 03:13 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 15 2009, 03:10 AM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM)
This isn't suppose to be here!!

What isn't supposed to be here? huh.gif

Theres already a FPL section.

So? This is specificly for criticising our stories, ideas, and characters for both FPL and CBUB. I think it makes things easier to have this thread.

...Oh I see. I suppose we should be posting in places other than chit chat.

Well yeah, but none of the other topics are as interesting unfortunately... we need to find a way to spice up the other topics to make them more desirable.

I shouldn't be taking up any more unneeded space on this thread. If you want to discuss this further, PM me.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 16 2009, 04:29 AM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 15 2009, 02:42 AM)
This isn't suppose to be here!!

Hey hey hey! This is Treacherous' advice section is it not? Well, this is Treacherous giving advice on CBUB and FPL writings. The FPL section in Chat Chat is for general FPl discussion and showing off your new character. This section is for up and coming CBUBers and FPL newcomers like me to get critiques and advice. It's a perfectly legit section...thank you very much. You can get critiquing from everyone here on your FPL creation and then post the finish product on the FPL section. Or, you could say screw advice and just post it on the FPL section. Hell, I'm going to need some help soon on another upcoming character and I'm going to need your advice. SO, I better get it right here!

Rant over.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 18 2009, 03:15 AM
Now nobody wants reviews.

sad.gif

Posted by: granobulax Jan 18 2009, 02:25 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 18 2009, 03:15 AM)
Now nobody wants reviews.

sad.gif

When and if I get a chance to write anything now that my semester has started back up again, I'll send something your way to review. happy.gif

Posted by: Bloody_Freak Jan 18 2009, 04:33 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 18 2009, 10:25 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 18 2009, 03:15 AM)
Now nobody wants reviews.

sad.gif

When and if I get a chance to write anything now that my semester has started back up again, I'll send something your way to review. happy.gif

KING KONG!!!!

Posted by: greatness3045 Jan 18 2009, 05:21 PM
OKay this is me greatness. I have only been on CBUB and Haven since november of last year. I was wondering if anyone had read one of my stories and if you had what can i do to make them better?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 18 2009, 05:35 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 18 2009, 02:25 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 18 2009, 03:15 AM)
Now nobody wants reviews.

sad.gif

When and if I get a chance to write anything now that my semester has started back up again, I'll send something your way to review. happy.gif

That'll be years from now.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 18 2009, 05:36 PM
QUOTE (greatness3045 @ Jan 18 2009, 05:21 PM)
OKay this is me greatness. I have only been on CBUB and Haven since november of last year. I was wondering if anyone had read one of my stories and if you had what can i do to make them better?

Usually I'm pretty good at recalling things like this, but I can't seem to remember many of them. Sorry. However, if you would like a few of the admins or members to give a look see at your stuff...post away.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 18 2009, 11:42 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 18 2009, 05:35 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 18 2009, 02:25 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 18 2009, 03:15 AM)
Now nobody wants reviews.

sad.gif

When and if I get a chance to write anything now that my semester has started back up again, I'll send something your way to review. happy.gif

That'll be years from now.

Perhaps not. I've started on a new character already. It's going to be a project though...

Oh, I think my Sarah Lynn character is going to be knocked out on her first match. sad.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now. It even beat Miss Doe.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now. It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

Posted by: darkender Jan 19 2009, 03:34 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

You lucky dog!

Posted by: granobulax Jan 19 2009, 03:45 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 03:34 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

You lucky dog!

When's your next character coming out?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 19 2009, 03:56 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Posted by: darkender Jan 19 2009, 04:25 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:45 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 03:34 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

You lucky dog!

When's your next character coming out?

Its been waiting review forever now!

I'll tell you about him though in summary. Its an undercover school teacher that use to be and an alien/ superhero. Now a school shooting occurs and he must throw away his new life as a normal person to save the school. I unravel his powers and personality through the school shooting. I like the character over all, but it was just something to throw in until I got finished with Overseer. He's been waiting forever in the review bin!!!!

Posted by: treacherous Jan 19 2009, 04:36 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 04:25 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:45 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 03:34 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

You lucky dog!

When's your next character coming out?

Its been waiting review forever now!

I'll tell you about him though in summary. Its an undercover school teacher that use to be and an alien/ superhero. Now a school shooting occurs and he must throw away his new life as a normal person to save the school. I unravel his powers and personality through the school shooting. I like the character over all, but it was just something to throw in until I got finished with Overseer. He's been waiting forever in the review bin!!!!

They like making you wait.

Posted by: darkender Jan 19 2009, 04:40 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 04:36 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 04:25 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:45 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 03:34 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

You lucky dog!

When's your next character coming out?

Its been waiting review forever now!

I'll tell you about him though in summary. Its an undercover school teacher that use to be and an alien/ superhero. Now a school shooting occurs and he must throw away his new life as a normal person to save the school. I unravel his powers and personality through the school shooting. I like the character over all, but it was just something to throw in until I got finished with Overseer. He's been waiting forever in the review bin!!!!

They like making you wait.

Ha. Good, gives me time to get three in there at the same time...

Posted by: Ethan Jan 19 2009, 07:25 PM
what I did was keep bugging them til they finally got the damned characters in.....try that! tongue.gif

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 19 2009, 10:43 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

What's an ic? and what am I digging up an ic for?

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 19 2009, 10:48 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 05:43 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

What's an ic? and what am I digging up an ic for?

CraP! Pic man pic.

Posted by: darkender Jan 19 2009, 11:38 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

Someones full of themself.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 19 2009, 11:42 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

Someones full of themself.

No I'm just saying I won't let him pass me easily.

Posted by: darkender Jan 19 2009, 11:51 PM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

Someones full of themself.

No I'm just saying I won't let him pass me easily.

I think he already has to be honest.

Posted by: Guardian of Nesh Jan 19 2009, 11:59 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 06:51 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

Someones full of themself.

No I'm just saying I won't let him pass me easily.

I think he already has to be honest.

I used to think that too and in many respects, he has but now I'm doing what I do best. Writing, not out of anger or using someone else's idea but organzing the flow of my own thoughts and writing for the thrill it gives me and when I do that I can match Grano and just maybe push a little ahead of him.

Posted by: darkender Jan 20 2009, 12:02 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 11:59 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 06:51 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 11:42 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 19 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

Someones full of themself.

No I'm just saying I won't let him pass me easily.

I think he already has to be honest.

I used to think that too and in many respects, he has but now I'm doing what I do best. Writing, not out of anger or using someone else's idea but organzing the flow of my own thoughts and writing for the thrill it gives me and when I do that I can match Grano and just maybe push a little ahead of him.

Okay, when I see it I'll you know.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 20 2009, 03:21 AM
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 10:48 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 05:43 PM)
QUOTE (Guardian of Nesh @ Jan 19 2009, 08:55 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 10:56 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 03:20 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
She is going against probably one of the best characters going right now.  It even beat Miss Doe.

Wow! It's 4-5 now laugh.gif That's better than I'd hoped. Now I have a good shot of not being knocked out on my first match biggrin.gif

I'm glad you're going back to school. Because at this rate, you'd be better than all of us.

Not quite yet, he's still got me to compete with. Could ya dig up a ic for me?

What's an ic? and what am I digging up an ic for?

CraP! Pic man pic.

What am I digging up a Pic for?

Posted by: Street Fighter vs DBZ Jan 20 2009, 06:41 PM
Deathstroke + Deadpool vs. Lobo

****READ BEFORE VOTING****

The Marvel Universe...

Deadpool was battling T-Ray, as T-Ray had teleported into his house and killed Blind Al.

Deadpool: "I don't really give a damn about Blind Al, BUT NO ONE GOES INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

T-Ray through a punch at him but Deadpool teleported on top of him and stabbed him in the face with his Katana.

T-Ray: "AAARGH!!!"

T-Ray punched Deadpool in the belt. It broke Deadpool's teleporter.

Deadpool: "Now T-Ray, how many times have I told you not to touch Daddy's belts?!"

Deadpool pulled out a gun and shot T-Ray in the eye. He then cut off T-Ray's head with the katana.

Deadpool: "I win! I win! Ner ner ne ner ner!"

Deadpool picked up T-Ray's head and through it in the garbage. Then he took T-Ray and Blind Al's bodies and dumped them in the Hellhouse. Then he pushed the button on his teleporter to see if it still worked. He teleported, but reappeared in a city he had never seen before.

Deadpool: "Oh goody, it still works! Hurray! Hurra- Wait, where in the name of cheesy puffs am I?! Oh well, I'll just teleport back."

He pressed the button on his belt. Nothing happened.

Deadpool: "Aw, shi-"

But then someone kicked him in the back of the head. Deadpool fell to the ground and rolled over to see who had kicked him. A man dressed up like a bat was standing there.

Batman: "I'd heard rumors that you were operating in Gotham, Deathstroke. Now I can finally bring you to justice! I see you changed your costume. But you can still see that it's you from a mile away."

Deadpool: "Deathstroke?! Who the hell is Deathstroke? Does he like cheesy puffs?"

Batman: "Nice try Deathstroke. But I'm not falling for it."

Batman prepared to kick Deadpool in the face and knock him out, but suddenly there was a gunshot and Batman fell over, dead.

Deadpool: "Wow, I must be really good! I killed that guy without even tryin'!"

But then Deadpool saw another man emerge from the shadows. The man was almost identical to him.

Deadpool: "Who the hell are you?! I've never seen you in a comic before... anyway, thanks for saving my ass. I owe you one."

Man: "I'm Deathstroke. Why are you dressed like me?"

Deadpool: "Uh... I dunno. You like cheesy puffs?"

Deathstroke: "Who are you?!"

Deadpool: "I'm Deadpool. I don't think I'm... y'know... from this universe. I teleported here by mistake. Oh my god, Your my long lost brother aren't you!"

Deathstroke: "No you idiot! You must be some kind of parallel universe version of me..."

Deadpool: "Oh... I'll have to keep searching for my long lost brother then."

Deathstroke: "What's your real name?"

Deadpool: "Wilson. Wade Wilson.

Deathstroke: "Yeah, you're definitely an alternate universe version of me. My name is Slade Wilson."

Before either of them could say another word, a figure jumped down from a building. The figure was dressed in biker gear and had Dreadlocks.

Deadpool: "D-Dirty Wolff?! (Note: Dirty Wolff was a parody of Lobo in Deadpool #41 )

Deathstroke: "His name is Lobo, Deadpool."

Lobo: "Damn straight. That's L as in "lacerate," O as in "obliterate," B as in "disembowel," and O as in, uh... well, I guess I can use "obliterate" twice. You got a hell of a lotta enemies, Deathstroke, and one of 'em's gonna pay big bucks if I bring you back alive. He said He wanted ta' finish you off himself. And looky here, I got me two Deathstrokes! I wonder if I'll get paid double."

Lobo took out a gun and jumped at Deathstroke and Deadpool. They both dodged and fired their guns at Lobo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deadpool is armed with 4 mini-machineguns, 2 Katanas, 2 handguns and 20 grenades.

Deathstroke is armed with everything that Deadpool has, plus a teleporter. Both Deadpool and Deathstroke are at their absolute peak.

Lobo has one handgun. Just to make it fair, this is the weak version of Lobo (The one that can barely pick up a car).

FIGHT!

This fight posted by: AVP vs The Terminator

Posted by: treacherous Jan 20 2009, 08:26 PM
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 06:41 PM)
Deathstroke + Deadpool vs. Lobo

****READ BEFORE VOTING****

The Marvel Universe...

Deadpool was battling T-Ray, as T-Ray had teleported into his house and killed Blind Al.

Deadpool: "I don't really give a damn about Blind Al, BUT NO ONE GOES INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

T-Ray through a punch at him but Deadpool teleported on top of him and stabbed him in the face with his Katana.

T-Ray: "AAARGH!!!"

T-Ray punched Deadpool in the belt. It broke Deadpool's teleporter.

Deadpool: "Now T-Ray, how many times have I told you not to touch Daddy's belts?!"

Deadpool pulled out a gun and shot T-Ray in the eye. He then cut off T-Ray's head with the katana.

Deadpool: "I win! I win! Ner ner ne ner ner!"

Deadpool picked up T-Ray's head and through it in the garbage. Then he took T-Ray and Blind Al's bodies and dumped them in the Hellhouse. Then he pushed the button on his teleporter to see if it still worked. He teleported, but reappeared in a city he had never seen before.

Deadpool: "Oh goody, it still works! Hurray! Hurra- Wait, where in the name of cheesy puffs am I?! Oh well, I'll just teleport back."

He pressed the button on his belt. Nothing happened.

Deadpool: "Aw, shi-"

But then someone kicked him in the back of the head. Deadpool fell to the ground and rolled over to see who had kicked him. A man dressed up like a bat was standing there.

Batman: "I'd heard rumors that you were operating in Gotham, Deathstroke. Now I can finally bring you to justice! I see you changed your costume. But you can still see that it's you from a mile away."

Deadpool: "Deathstroke?! Who the hell is Deathstroke? Does he like cheesy puffs?"

Batman: "Nice try Deathstroke. But I'm not falling for it."

Batman prepared to kick Deadpool in the face and knock him out, but suddenly there was a gunshot and Batman fell over, dead.

Deadpool: "Wow, I must be really good! I killed that guy without even tryin'!"

But then Deadpool saw another man emerge from the shadows. The man was almost identical to him.

Deadpool: "Who the hell are you?! I've never seen you in a comic before... anyway, thanks for saving my ass. I owe you one."

Man: "I'm Deathstroke. Why are you dressed like me?"

Deadpool: "Uh... I dunno. You like cheesy puffs?"

Deathstroke: "Who are you?!"

Deadpool: "I'm Deadpool. I don't think I'm... y'know... from this universe. I teleported here by mistake. Oh my god, Your my long lost brother aren't you!"

Deathstroke: "No you idiot! You must be some kind of parallel universe version of me..."

Deadpool: "Oh... I'll have to keep searching for my long lost brother then."

Deathstroke: "What's your real name?"

Deadpool: "Wilson. Wade Wilson.

Deathstroke: "Yeah, you're definitely an alternate universe version of me. My name is Slade Wilson."

Before either of them could say another word, a figure jumped down from a building. The figure was dressed in biker gear and had Dreadlocks.

Deadpool: "D-Dirty Wolff?! (Note: Dirty Wolff was a parody of Lobo in Deadpool #41 )

Deathstroke: "His name is Lobo, Deadpool."

Lobo: "Damn straight. That's L as in "lacerate," O as in "obliterate," B as in "disembowel," and O as in, uh... well, I guess I can use "obliterate" twice. You got a hell of a lotta enemies, Deathstroke, and one of 'em's gonna pay big bucks if I bring you back alive. He said He wanted ta' finish you off himself. And looky here, I got me two Deathstrokes! I wonder if I'll get paid double."

Lobo took out a gun and jumped at Deathstroke and Deadpool. They both dodged and fired their guns at Lobo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deadpool is armed with 4 mini-machineguns, 2 Katanas, 2 handguns and 20 grenades.

Deathstroke is armed with everything that Deadpool has, plus a teleporter. Both Deadpool and Deathstroke are at their absolute peak.

Lobo has one handgun. Just to make it fair, this is the weak version of Lobo (The one that can barely pick up a car).

FIGHT!

This fight posted by: AVP vs The Terminator

Alright. My turn.

It's okay. I would give it a C if it were in CBUB. It's kinda funny (that's what you were going for). But, it doesn't make me fall over laughing. It's a good enough match up. I didn't know there was a weak Lobo? Um. Learn the difference between through and threw. Oh and my real problem was with the beginning. It was sporatic. It was all over the place. Introducing characters left and right without any background. Again, It was okay. If it were over the top funny, then it would've been better.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 09:05 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 20 2009, 08:26 PM)
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 06:41 PM)
Deathstroke + Deadpool vs. Lobo

****READ BEFORE VOTING****

The Marvel Universe...

Deadpool was battling T-Ray, as T-Ray had teleported into his house and killed Blind Al.

Deadpool: "I don't really give a damn about Blind Al, BUT NO ONE GOES INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

T-Ray through a punch at him but Deadpool teleported on top of him and stabbed him in the face with his Katana.

T-Ray: "AAARGH!!!"

T-Ray punched Deadpool in the belt. It broke Deadpool's teleporter.

Deadpool: "Now T-Ray, how many times have I told you not to touch Daddy's belts?!"

Deadpool pulled out a gun and shot T-Ray in the eye. He then cut off T-Ray's head with the katana.

Deadpool: "I win! I win! Ner ner ne ner ner!"

Deadpool picked up T-Ray's head and through it in the garbage. Then he took T-Ray and Blind Al's bodies and dumped them in the Hellhouse. Then he pushed the button on his teleporter to see if it still worked. He teleported, but reappeared in a city he had never seen before.

Deadpool: "Oh goody, it still works! Hurray! Hurra- Wait, where in the name of cheesy puffs am I?! Oh well, I'll just teleport back."

He pressed the button on his belt. Nothing happened.

Deadpool: "Aw, shi-"

But then someone kicked him in the back of the head. Deadpool fell to the ground and rolled over to see who had kicked him. A man dressed up like a bat was standing there.

Batman: "I'd heard rumors that you were operating in Gotham, Deathstroke. Now I can finally bring you to justice! I see you changed your costume. But you can still see that it's you from a mile away."

Deadpool: "Deathstroke?! Who the hell is Deathstroke? Does he like cheesy puffs?"

Batman: "Nice try Deathstroke. But I'm not falling for it."

Batman prepared to kick Deadpool in the face and knock him out, but suddenly there was a gunshot and Batman fell over, dead.

Deadpool: "Wow, I must be really good! I killed that guy without even tryin'!"

But then Deadpool saw another man emerge from the shadows. The man was almost identical to him.

Deadpool: "Who the hell are you?! I've never seen you in a comic before... anyway, thanks for saving my ass. I owe you one."

Man: "I'm Deathstroke. Why are you dressed like me?"

Deadpool: "Uh... I dunno. You like cheesy puffs?"

Deathstroke: "Who are you?!"

Deadpool: "I'm Deadpool. I don't think I'm... y'know... from this universe. I teleported here by mistake. Oh my god, Your my long lost brother aren't you!"

Deathstroke: "No you idiot! You must be some kind of parallel universe version of me..."

Deadpool: "Oh... I'll have to keep searching for my long lost brother then."

Deathstroke: "What's your real name?"

Deadpool: "Wilson. Wade Wilson.

Deathstroke: "Yeah, you're definitely an alternate universe version of me. My name is Slade Wilson."

Before either of them could say another word, a figure jumped down from a building. The figure was dressed in biker gear and had Dreadlocks.

Deadpool: "D-Dirty Wolff?! (Note: Dirty Wolff was a parody of Lobo in Deadpool #41 )

Deathstroke: "His name is Lobo, Deadpool."

Lobo: "Damn straight. That's L as in "lacerate," O as in "obliterate," B as in "disembowel," and O as in, uh... well, I guess I can use "obliterate" twice. You got a hell of a lotta enemies, Deathstroke, and one of 'em's gonna pay big bucks if I bring you back alive. He said He wanted ta' finish you off himself. And looky here, I got me two Deathstrokes! I wonder if I'll get paid double."

Lobo took out a gun and jumped at Deathstroke and Deadpool. They both dodged and fired their guns at Lobo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deadpool is armed with 4 mini-machineguns, 2 Katanas, 2 handguns and 20 grenades.

Deathstroke is armed with everything that Deadpool has, plus a teleporter. Both Deadpool and Deathstroke are at their absolute peak.

Lobo has one handgun. Just to make it fair, this is the weak version of Lobo (The one that can barely pick up a car).

FIGHT!

This fight posted by: AVP vs The Terminator

Alright. My turn.

It's okay. I would give it a C if it were in CBUB. It's kinda funny (that's what you were going for). But, it doesn't make me fall over laughing. It's a good enough match up. I didn't know their was a weak Lobo? Um. Learn the difference between through and threw. Oh and my real problem was with the beginning. It was sporatic. It was all over the place. Introducing characters left and right withoug any background. Again, It was okay. If it were over the top funny, then it would've been better.

Ha! You gave almost an identical review as I did laugh.gif

Posted by: treacherous Jan 20 2009, 10:46 PM
mellow.gif

I did. *goes back and looks*

......

Your right! I did.

blink.gif

We are too much alike. It's starting to worry me.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 20 2009, 11:26 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 20 2009, 10:46 PM)
mellow.gif

I did. *goes back and looks*

......

Your right! I did.

blink.gif

We are too much alike. It's starting to worry me.

*Theme song from the twilight zone begins to play*

I know, scary isn't it? wacko.gif

Posted by: darkender Jan 21 2009, 06:16 PM
Mr. Chaplin is up. Tell me what you think of him.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 21 2009, 06:20 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:16 PM)
Mr. Chaplin is up. Tell me what you think of him.

Yup. I printed that so I could read it earlier today. I'll get back to ya.

Posted by: darkender Jan 21 2009, 06:22 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 21 2009, 06:20 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:16 PM)
Mr. Chaplin is up. Tell me what you think of him.

Yup. I printed that so I could read it earlier today. I'll get back to ya.

I'll be waiting.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 21 2009, 10:52 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:22 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 21 2009, 06:20 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:16 PM)
Mr. Chaplin is up. Tell me what you think of him.

Yup. I printed that so I could read it earlier today. I'll get back to ya.

I'll be waiting.

You're getting steadily better Darkender. Seriously. As far as your grammar and storytelling go. However, I think your main concern is concept. You have interesting ideas that don't flesh out. Baby Bungee = interesting. Chaplain = potential. Kejaki = interesting. But, they lack depth. They just need that Umph. You know? I haven't read your competition yet, but we'll see what your up against. You are almost there Darkender. Just need that little extra Umph. Don't know what that is, I'll know it when I see it.

Posted by: darkender Jan 21 2009, 11:20 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 21 2009, 10:52 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:22 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 21 2009, 06:20 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:16 PM)
Mr. Chaplin is up. Tell me what you think of him.

Yup. I printed that so I could read it earlier today. I'll get back to ya.

I'll be waiting.

You're getting steadily better Darkender. Seriously. As far as your grammar and storytelling go. However, I think your main concern is concept. You have interesting ideas that don't flesh out. Baby Bungee = interesting. Chaplain = potential. Kejaki = interesting. But, they lack depth. They just need that Umph. You know? I haven't read your competition yet, but we'll see what your up against. You are almost there Darkender. Just need that little extra Umph. Don't know what that is, I'll know it when I see it.

The thing is I'm really impatient. So most of the characters I made, I made in like 30 mins. I have a hard time staying on one character and not losing interest in it. So I'm trying to work on my characters longer to get that "Umph" you were talking about.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 23 2009, 03:32 AM
Well, here's what I've done so far for my newest FPL character before school started back up. I'm hoping for a critique of what I've done so far and possibly some Ideas on where I should go next with it. Heck, I haven't even thought up a name yet lol

I'm hoping that with a little advice, I might not take the entire semester to finish this one biggrin.gif



Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area near insanity yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. Probably the most notable of these select few would be Albert Einstein. The most recent people to skirt the total possibilities of the human capacity are Steven Hawking and Chris Langan. However close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none have completed the neurological circuitry to unlock total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That was, until recently…

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. This was no ordinary child, for he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish. The doctors were completely astonished and deduced that the infant must have learned to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before the singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than ninety nine percent of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Rather, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail cascading through his mailbox, he had to learn a vast number of languages. Soon, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next twenty-two years, he became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. Some of the things on his list of inventions have only been conceived in science fiction movies. The teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the mind reading device were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, little did he know that the point of optimum performance was about to be reached…

Posted by: treacherous Jan 23 2009, 03:41 AM
I'll get to it.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 23 2009, 09:45 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 23 2009, 03:32 AM)
Well, here's what I've done so far for my newest FPL character before school started back up. I'm hoping for a critique of what I've done so far and possibly some Ideas on where I should go next with it. Heck, I haven't even thought up a name yet lol

I'm hoping that with a little advice, I might not take the entire semester to finish this one biggrin.gif



Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area near insanity yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. Probably the most notable of these select few would be Albert Einstein. The most recent people to skirt the total possibilities of the human capacity are Steven Hawking and Chris Langan. However close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none have completed the neurological circuitry to unlock total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That was, until recently…

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. This was no ordinary child, for he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish. The doctors were completely astonished and deduced that the infant must have learned to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before the singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than ninety nine percent of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Rather, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail cascading through his mailbox, he had to learn a vast number of languages. Soon, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next twenty-two years, he became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. Some of the things on his list of inventions have only been conceived in science fiction movies. The teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the mind reading device were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, little did he know that the point of optimum performance was about to be reached…

Good solid start. Hmmm. Now, where would I go with this? Too bad the Watchmen is already written. This would be a good set up for Ozymandias. Maybe you could do something like that. He taps into his minds true potential and decides to play god or maybe because he was born so smart he never got the chance to be a kid. Therefore, he develops psychic abilities and uses them to manipulate the world like his own play toys. You know he snaps a little. Like the graphic novel Domu.

Anyway, the start is fine. It's where you take it that matters.


Posted by: granobulax Jan 23 2009, 09:55 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 23 2009, 09:45 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 23 2009, 03:32 AM)
Well, here's what I've done so far for my newest FPL character before school started back up. I'm hoping for a critique of what I've done so far and possibly some Ideas on where I should go next with it. Heck, I haven't even thought up a name yet lol

I'm hoping that with a little advice, I might not take the entire semester to finish this one biggrin.gif



Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area near insanity yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. Probably the most notable of these select few would be Albert Einstein. The most recent people to skirt the total possibilities of the human capacity are Steven Hawking and Chris Langan. However close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none have completed the neurological circuitry to unlock total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That was, until recently…

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. This was no ordinary child, for he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish. The doctors were completely astonished and deduced that the infant must have learned to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before the singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than ninety nine percent of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Rather, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail cascading through his mailbox, he had to learn a vast number of languages. Soon, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next twenty-two years, he became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. Some of the things on his list of inventions have only been conceived in science fiction movies. The teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the mind reading device were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, little did he know that the point of optimum performance was about to be reached…

Good solid start. Hmmm. Now, where would I go with this? Too bad the Watchmen is already written. This would be a good set up for Ozymandias. Maybe you could do something like that. He taps into his minds true potential and decides to play god or maybe because he was born so smart he never got the chance to be a kid. Therefore, he develops psychic abilities and uses them to manipulate the world like his own play toys. You know he snaps a little. Like the graphic novel Domu.

Anyway, the start is fine. It's where you take it that matters.

Thanks treach, I like the idea of using the world as his toys... perhaps I'll use a variation of that idea.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 24 2009, 12:42 AM
Ok, I don't think I ever had the pleasure of having you rate my Looking Through a Cloudy Window character. If you have and I just forgot about it, this version has been revised at the bottom with some additional powers to go towards my fifth win upgrade. If anything, I hope my additions to the story also add to the character.

Looking Through a Cloudy Window

Mind: Weak
Body: Supreme
Strength: Ultimate
Agility: Superior

Character Background:
Cloudy… that’s the only way to describe the strenuous problem that has now invaded the mind of the world’s greatest superhero. An appalling wrench now grappled with his consciousness, wreaking havoc on his disposition. No longer did he know the “bad guys” from the “good guys” and neither did he care. Somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of his cognizance, he still knew right from wrong and that presently was his singular motivation any more.

The days were careening into chaos as the super villains of the world took note of our hero’s indifference towards advanced crime. The man that we once knew as our savior no longer possessed the knowhow to distinguish a mugger from a evil mastermind…

Sure, the streets were safer to walk at night. The gangs were all but gone. As he walked the streets aimlessly, anyone in any sort of distress would be dealt with and sent to jail. As the months passed however, our beloved hero stopped bringing the would be evil doers to the jail. Rather, he began to tie them up in hopes that the police would find these thugs and take him to jail for him. It wasn’t laziness that prompted him into this course of action. His cloudy mind simply would not permit him to remember where the police department was.

As the days drew on, so too did his amassing confusion. So great had his puzzlement grown, that he had now even forgotten his own name. The once amazing superhero was now no more than a common passerby on the streets of New York. People on the streets would often point at him and whisper. Any time this insufferable experience occurred…

It didn’t matter, he would soon forget anyhow. There was more to his life; a glimmer of thought would sneak through from time to time. Something not…

finished…
Character Personality:
He suddenly awoke. All cognition had returned miraculously. “Where am I?” Jonathan thought to himself. Looking around him, he realized he was in some sort of padded room. White was the prevailing color with a secured door on one wall. Reaching towards the cold steel door that confined him, he ripped the barrier clean off the hinges. Peering out into the hallway, he could hear the screams of demented people emanating from within other chambers within this building. “What is this place?” the rejuvenated hero bellowed out loud.

Two large men dressed in white scrubs rounded a corner and feebly attempted to contain Jonathan. Being a good man, Jonathan did not kill the men. Rather, he simply knocked them unconscious and continued trying to figure out where he was and how he’d gotten there.

Alarms could now be heard. Deafening inside the white hallways he tried to tune out the stentorian sound. Abruptly, the noise stopped and a single man approached…

Deadly Deterioration (Closed Mind)
The man ended up being a neurologist named Dr. Schultz. Jonathan was explained that he suffered from a condition known as Alzheimer’s disease. With a dazed and perplexed look, Jonathan listened as the doctor told him of his… problem. Occurrences of cognition were rare amongst Alzheimer’s cases, but have happened in the past. It was explained to Jonathan that there had been attempts in the past to get him to go to a facility such as this one when he was wandering the streets, but he didn’t realize the enormity of the situation. Blindly, he had roamed the city in search of something of which he knew not. It wasn’t until he was found in an alleyway in a pool of his own blood that he was brought in to this place he was in now.

Also during the explanation, the reality hit Jonathan that he would soon return to this… stammering imbecile that he did not want to be. Dr. Schwartz told Jonathan that he’d been living at this facility for nearly five years now and that the progression of the disease would be disastrous if he were to ever leave. It was all too easy to see what course of action to take next. He would willingly need to be kept on medications to sedate him for the rest of his natural life. It would be too dangerous to leave knowing that he could possibly hurt someone on the outside of these calming walls. He would…

Blind Rage (Berserker)
The haze… the damned cloudiness was returning, wiping out his memory with alarming speed. He’d better hurry if he was to…

“Where am I?” Jonathan asked to himself… Looking around, he asked “Who am I?!”, his voice echoing down the corridor as the doctor scrambled to draw up a large dose of phencyclidine to sedate the hulking hero. The last drop of his sanity had already left his mind though, and before anything could be done, the once proud hero tore through the walls of the facility to escape as fast as he could. He knew not where he would go or what he was supposed to do. The feeling of right and wrong was beginning to completely fade from his thoughts.
Time would now be his greatest enemy…

Determined Vengeance (Radiation)
Upon his escape, a fleeting thought that had seared itself into his already fried mind was that of his archenemy. Somehow, when he was told of him being beaten and left for dead in an alley, Jonathan managed to tuck that bit of hatred away. His sheer hatred left him with a singular goal. For reasons he did not remember, the one called Darkshroud, had to be eliminated.

Wandering the streets once again, this time with but one purpose, Jonathan’s once supercharged brain had begun deteriorating even at the molecular level. The strength of his body and mind would have to manage to hold it together until his blind revenge takes place. If indeed he ever gets the opportunity…

Radiant energy spilled into the streets, causing a wave of unknown destruction in his wake. An incandescent energy glowed upon Jonathan, creating an eerie aura of deadly energy emanating with unbiased destruction. Our hero had inadvertently become the villain of the streets, as people would scatter in every direction at the very sight of him as the months passed.

Little did Jonathan know that he had become a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. Just one thing left to finish…

Unbreakable Spirit (Iron Will)

A normal man would have given up hope by now. A year has passed and still no end in sight. Whether or not his endurance was due to the Alzheimer’s disease or just an unbreakable will to finish an unknown quest before the end, nobody knows. Did it really matter? In that short year, Jonathan had managed to lay waist to the city of New York. Tragedy was abounding in the city that never sleeps. After a whole year of irradiating the metropolis, virtually no inhabitants remained. The only remnants of civilization that remained were those who were too poisoned to flee. Those poor souls lived out the remainder of their miserable lives longing for death to come.

The end was very near now. Sheer madness was finally upon Jonathan. Hallucinations were now prevalent in his thoughts. Anyone he crossed paths with, had the appearance of Darkshroud and would subsequently meet an untimely end. In these last months of life, Jonathan had become more dangerous than ever before. May god help anyone else who has the displeasure of meeting the greatest former hero the world has ever seen…

Posted by: treacherous Jan 26 2009, 09:16 PM
Just read it. That's awesome. No problems at all. Just awesome. I see why you've made it so far already. Twilight of a Superhero. That's what I would've called it. I hope Seven Demons goes against it. If he has his end, I would be honored to have it against the old timer.

Posted by: granobulax Jan 27 2009, 03:27 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 26 2009, 09:16 PM)
Just read it.  That's awesome.  No problems at all.  Just awesome.  I see why you've made it so far already.  Twilight of a Superhero.  That's what I would've called it.  I hope Seven Demons goes against it.  If he has his end, I would be honored to have it against the old timer.

The same goes for me. If my character goes out, I would prefer it against the Seven Demons of Shukai.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM
Must review something!!!

Posted by: Solomon Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

Posted by: treacherous Jan 31 2009, 07:08 AM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

What do you mean?

Posted by: Solomon Jan 31 2009, 03:39 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 31 2009, 07:08 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

What do you mean?

I mean that once you start grading you never want to stop.

Posted by: treacherous Jan 31 2009, 05:29 PM
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 31 2009, 03:39 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 31 2009, 07:08 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 30 2009, 08:13 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 30 2009, 06:57 PM)
Must review something!!!

See what I mean?

What do you mean?

I mean that once you start grading you never want to stop.

Ah...yes.

Posted by: Marvel Man Feb 1 2009, 05:54 AM
Treach, I wrote three fights called "The Tournament of DC", in the Normal Fight section.

They're far from what I want to write in my CBUB tournament, "The Tournament of Marvels", but they're just ideas I've been throwing around. It would be an honor if you could help me out. You wrote that other tournament, so you might have some experience with the matter.

In other words. Help.

Posted by: treacherous Feb 1 2009, 09:01 PM
QUOTE (Marvel Man @ Feb 1 2009, 05:54 AM)
Treach, I wrote three fights called "The Tournament of DC", in the Normal Fight section.

They're far from what I want to write in my CBUB tournament, "The Tournament of Marvels", but they're just ideas I've been throwing around. It would be an honor if you could help me out. You wrote that other tournament, so you might have some experience with the matter.

In other words. Help.

I'll have to look them over. Been busy. I'll get to it.

Posted by: Marvel Man Feb 2 2009, 12:51 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Feb 1 2009, 09:01 PM)
QUOTE (Marvel Man @ Feb 1 2009, 05:54 AM)
Treach, I wrote three fights called "The Tournament of DC", in the Normal Fight section.

They're far from what I want to write in my CBUB tournament, "The Tournament of Marvels", but they're just ideas I've been throwing around. It would be an honor if you could help me out. You wrote that other tournament, so you might have some experience with the matter.

In other words. Help.

I'll have to look them over. Been busy. I'll get to it.

*bows*

Thank you....

Posted by: darkender Feb 2 2009, 12:55 AM
QUOTE (Marvel Man @ Feb 2 2009, 12:51 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Feb 1 2009, 09:01 PM)
QUOTE (Marvel Man @ Feb 1 2009, 05:54 AM)
Treach, I wrote three fights called "The Tournament of DC", in the Normal Fight section.

They're far from what I want to write in my CBUB tournament, "The Tournament of Marvels", but they're just ideas I've been throwing around. It would be an honor if you could help me out. You wrote that other tournament, so you might have some experience with the matter.

In other words. Help.

I'll have to look them over. Been busy. I'll get to it.

*bows*

Thank you....

Your warning.

Do not Rp in non Rp sections.

Posted by: treacherous Feb 2 2009, 03:26 AM
Quit moderating in my section.

Posted by: jailer411 Feb 2 2009, 03:31 AM
The beginning of my story.

He couldn’t believe it, but he had to. His parent’s cold lifeless bodies before his very eyes were too much to deny. "Why me, Why me!!" This was all Ben could muster out of his raspy throat at the time, but it was apparent that it was to no avail. No matter how much he would scream, time would not turn back. It was a simple fact of life, too much for a twelve year old to understand. Even though he couldn’t say much right then, his mind was racing, so much that he cursed it. He didn’t want to think about how his parents were just murdered, right there and then in front of him, how he couldn’t stop it from happening, what could’ve done. No, all the poor boy wanted was to recede into the deep crevices of his mind, and to stay there, away from the cruel torment of reality. It was too much for him to bear any longer.

Suddenly, he was interrupted half way through his thoughts by John. You stupid boy, did you not know that this would happen? How long did you suppose that they could protect you? You have to learn that in this new world, there are only two truths, death and punishment for your crimes! But they didn’t do anything wrong, Ben replied timidly. You’re never going to learn, are you? Your parents where traitors to the revolution! Keeping them alive would only hinder our cause! You mean your cause!, Ben shouted back. John looked at Ben with great hate in his eyes, "I should have gotten them to kill you as well, but alas, you’re lucky that the leader has found a use for you." Ben spit at John’s face at the idea of what he just said. "How could I ever work for the people responsible for the death of my parents!"

John chuckled at the mere thought of what Ben just said, "Who said you’d be working for us? Were going to use your body for testing!" All Ben could do was to stare in horror as John took out the tranquilizer gun. "Wha…What are you going to do to me?" The fear in his voice was apparent. The last words Ben heard before John shot wasn’t the answer to his question, the last thing he heard was, “I’m going to enjoy this”. John’s face was in pure content as he saw Ben’s limp body drop to the floor. Soon after, he blankly stated into his tape recorder “The subject seems to be gaining in bravery, make note to fix this.” A while later, the helicopter came to pick John up. "Have any trouble with the boy?", remarked the pilot. "None at all", I even think that he might finally be the one to survive our experiments. What makes you say that? "I'll explain on the way back."


Posted by: darkender Feb 2 2009, 09:46 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Feb 2 2009, 03:26 AM)
Quit moderating in my section.

Sorry, I can't help it. I hate Rping in non Rp sections.

Posted by: treacherous Feb 2 2009, 10:34 PM
QUOTE (darkender @ Feb 2 2009, 09:46 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Feb 2 2009, 03:26 AM)
Quit moderating in my section.

Sorry, I can't help it. I hate Rping in non Rp sections.

It's okay. Telling people what to do is addictive.

Posted by: treacherous Feb 3 2009, 02:36 AM
QUOTE (jailer411 @ Feb 2 2009, 03:31 AM)
The beginning of my story.

He couldn’t believe it, but he had to. His parent’s cold lifeless bodies before his very eyes were too much to deny. "Why me, Why me!!" This was all Ben could muster out of his raspy throat at the time, but it was apparent that it was to no avail. No matter how much he would scream, time would not turn back. It was a simple fact of life, too much for a twelve year old to understand. Even though he couldn’t say much right then, his mind was racing, so much that he cursed it. He didn’t want to think about how his parents were just murdered, right there and then in front of him, how he couldn’t stop it from happening, what could’ve done. No, all the poor boy wanted was to recede into the deep crevices of his mind, and to stay there, away from the cruel torment of reality. It was too much for him to bear any longer.

Suddenly, he was interrupted half way through his thoughts by John. You stupid boy, did you not know that this would happen? How long did you suppose that they could protect you? You have to learn that in this new world, there are only two truths, death and punishment for your crimes! But they didn’t do anything wrong, Ben replied timidly. You’re never going to learn, are you? Your parents where traitors to the revolution! Keeping them alive would only hinder our cause! You mean your cause!, Ben shouted back. John looked at Ben with great hate in his eyes, "I should have gotten them to kill you as well, but alas, you’re lucky that the leader has found a use for you." Ben spit at John’s face at the idea of what he just said. "How could I ever work for the people responsible for the death of my parents!"

John chuckled at the mere thought of what Ben just said, "Who said you’d be working for us? Were going to use your body for testing!" All Ben could do was to stare in horror as John took out the tranquilizer gun. "Wha…What are you going to do to me?" The fear in his voice was apparent. The last words Ben heard before John shot wasn’t the answer to his question, the last thing he heard was, “I’m going to enjoy this”. John’s face was in pure content as he saw Ben’s limp body drop to the floor. Soon after, he blankly stated into his tape recorder “The subject seems to be gaining in bravery, make note to fix this.” A while later, the helicopter came to pick John up. "Have any trouble with the boy?", remarked the pilot. "None at all", I even think that he might finally be the one to survive our experiments. What makes you say that? "I'll explain on the way back."

Hey, that's not bad so far. I'm interested. Continue...

Posted by: jailer411 Feb 3 2009, 02:37 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Feb 2 2009, 08:36 PM)
QUOTE (jailer411 @ Feb 2 2009, 03:31 AM)
The beginning of my story.

He couldn’t believe it, but he had to. His parent’s cold lifeless bodies before his very eyes were too much to deny. "Why me, Why me!!" This was all Ben could muster out of his raspy throat at the time, but it was apparent that it was to no avail. No matter how much he would scream, time would not turn back. It was a simple fact of life, too much for a twelve year old to understand. Even though he couldn’t say much right then, his mind was racing, so much that he cursed it. He didn’t want to think about how his parents were just murdered, right there and then in front of him, how he couldn’t stop it from happening, what could’ve done. No, all the poor boy wanted was to recede into the deep crevices of his mind, and to stay there, away from the cruel torment of reality. It was too much for him to bear any longer.

Suddenly, he was interrupted half way through his thoughts by John. You stupid boy, did you not know that this would happen? How long did you suppose that they could protect you? You have to learn that in this new world, there are only two truths, death and punishment for your crimes! But they didn’t do anything wrong, Ben replied timidly. You’re never going to learn, are you? Your parents where traitors to the revolution! Keeping them alive would only hinder our cause! You mean your cause!, Ben shouted back. John looked at Ben with great hate in his eyes, "I should have gotten them to kill you as well, but alas, you’re lucky that the leader has found a use for you." Ben spit at John’s face at the idea of what he just said. "How could I ever work for the people responsible for the death of my parents!"

John chuckled at the mere thought of what Ben just said, "Who said you’d be working for us? Were going to use your body for testing!" All Ben could do was to stare in horror as John took out the tranquilizer gun. "Wha…What are you going to do to me?" The fear in his voice was apparent. The last words Ben heard before John shot wasn’t the answer to his question, the last thing he heard was, “I’m going to enjoy this”. John’s face was in pure content as he saw Ben’s limp body drop to the floor. Soon after, he blankly stated into his tape recorder “The subject seems to be gaining in bravery, make note to fix this.” A while later, the helicopter came to pick John up. "Have any trouble with the boy?", remarked the pilot. "None at all", I even think that he might finally be the one to survive our experiments. What makes you say that? "I'll explain on the way back."

Hey, that's not bad so far. I'm interested. Continue...

Not yet, I'm posting part 2 and 3 at the same time.

Posted by: granobulax Mar 3 2009, 02:42 AM
Here's my latest FPL character biggrin.gif

Rip it to shreds!

Intellect’s Antichrist

Inventor Kit

Mind: Ultimate
Body: Weak
Strength: Weak
Agility: Weak

Background:

There are areas of the human mind that few have ever ventured. It is an area that skirts insanity, yet exhibits spectacular brilliance. The most notable of people to court with perfection would be Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking, and Chris Langan. However, close these intellectual celebrities may have come, none has ever completed the neurological circuitry necessary to unlock the total human psychological and psychosocial possibilities. That would soon change.

Teodor Lipinski was born in Wielkopolskie, Poland in August of 1987. From the onset of his first breath of air, it was apparent that he was no ordinary child. That day, a first in human history occurred; he was born with the innate ability to speak fluent Polish.

The doctors were completely astonished and logically deduced that the infant must have neurological development on an exponential level to be capable of learning to speak while being a fetus in the womb. It did not take long before this singular child made headlines though out the world. Months of feverish reporters questioned the supposedly innocent baby, torturing the sanctity of his extreme youth. Soon after, Teodor’s parents closed the door to the media and he was soon forgotten as the news hype declined and turned to other pressing matters. Truth be told, the small child rather enjoyed his constant prodding by what he thought of as the most impudent of beings, reporters. The mindless masses sending forth these foul people to see the one that, even as an infant, was already smarter than the vast majority of the world. Less attention did not detract from the baby genius’ passion for learning though. Likewise, as the years passed, so too did his lust for knowledge grow.

At the ripe old age of five, Teodor had already cracked Fermat's Last Theorem, a math problem that hadn’t been figured out for 350 years. His fame had grown again as letters from around the world were sent to his small home in Poland. In order for him to read the torrent of mail practically cascading out of his mailbox, he had to learn a capacious number of languages. In short time, Teodor became fluent in twenty-seven different languages, a repertoire befit for the most strong of intellect, let alone a five year old.

Over the next seventeen years, Teodor became the most renowned inventor the world had ever seen. He started out by making the most intricate of devices using nothing but common household materials. Some of the things on the list of his eventual inventions have only been in science fiction movies. The advanced molecular teleporter, cold fusion technology, and the antimatter weaponry were some of his most famous inventions. Before long, Teodor became a multibillionaire from the revenue of his creations. The more fame and money he gained, the more lustful his thirst for knowledge became.

As his intellect advanced further into the unknown of the human psyche, the point of optimum performance was close to being reached. He could feel a change happening, something, indescribable…

Personality:

Suddenly and without warning, it happened. Light… the brightest light conceivable filled the room. Within a fraction of a picosecond, the room was enveloped in audacious electricity. Electrolysis in its purest form was stripping the flesh away from Teodor’s body with its appalling energy. Within seconds, the entire country of Poland was in the dark. In minutes, all of Europe and western Asia went black. Shortly after that, all of the electricity on the planet surged into his new being at the speed of light.

The heat from the convergence of such energy atomized Teodor’s body, as well as the surrounding few miles of city. Charred remains of houses and families stretched into the distance as far as the eye could see under the moonlight, leaving the foul odor of burnt flesh and wood lingering heavily in the night air. Molted rubble was all that remained of Teodor’s house now. Nothing was left… except for an phosphorescent orb of light.

Weightless and free from physical harm, Teodor Lipinski had transformed himself into perfect energy. No longer did his mind have use for something as meek as the flesh. No longer did he give himself a name either. He didn’t need one. So far beneath him was the arrogant ways of human psychosocial behaviors. The people of this earth were like viruses to him now. Infecting all of which they touch with their lies and deceit. A cleansing of mankind is exactly what would be needed. The brilliant electric sphere now descended upon mankind with the determination to destroy all of those he deemed not worthy to live in his presence.

Current Tension (Electricity) Ultimate with Double Damage

Like an angel of God, the masses saw him swoop down upon them with their hopes and aspirations fulfilled with glee. Like the Devil himself, he dispatched every shred of dignity that any man that stood before him had before passing judgement. With terrible speed, he rushed the populous before word of his wrath could be spread.

If a man were deemed unworthy in the eye of his light, the insufferable human would die. The abhorrent energy he wielded was hotter than that of the sun. Anyone fortunate enough to not be disintegrated by his ferocious bolts would end up being incinerated instead by the scorching blaze surrounding the lightning. He would bring the light that only he saw to the eyes of the worthy, if there were any worthy humans that is…

Perfect Light (Phasing) Ultimate

It didn’t take long for people to find ways of communicating however, and after the gradual destruction of human kind began, governments from around the world began to make a stand. Jets using heat-seeking missiles bombarded the energy orb, unloading everything they had on him but to no avail. Attempt after attempt was made to extinguish the flame of doom that was being spread like wildfire to the people of the earth but nothing worked.

The abomination that Teodor had turned into became weary of the meaningless conflict of these ants before him. He had now deemed all of humanity unworthy to continue existing. With a mighty blast of electric hate, he destroyed all resistance around him, leaving dust where people once stood.

Replenish (Energy Absorption) Superior

Running low on energy, the god-like orb needed to replenish his power for it was being drained by the constant swatting of these gnats. For the first time in recent weeks, the world governments had him on the run. The only place that could generate the type of power he sought seeked was in a thunderstorm. As long has he didn’t ground out during consumption of his food source, he would be fine.

Attempts by the people of the earth had already been made to “Short circuit” him in recent days. All failed for the exception of one inadvertent one. A sprinkler head watering a charred lawn had touched him, sending sparks of electrical run off down into the ground. Lucky for him, none of these idiot people had noticed or he might have had an actual fight on his hands.

At last, a rainstorm was within sight. The energy created by one of these storms would be more than enough to send the rest of humanity straight strait to hell.

The atmosphere became very turbulent the closer he came within proximity to the storm. Swirls of lightning charged the atmosphere with dreadful tension. Darker and more sinister the sky grew, showing the might of nature itself. The orb thought that (double use of this? Was that on purpose?) this, this is something worthy of my presence. The power would soon be his.

Just like what happened during his transformation, a sudden supercharge of white hot electricity exploded from the heavens. The singular orb felt in awe of such power that nature held. He felt a growing determination to grow more powerful, to become something more than he already was. What felt like a lifetime of contemplation during his absorption of electrical energy, lasted only seconds.

Grasping and clawing for ever impressive power, the lustful sphere had to expand his horizons to further planes of existence. He could feel a change happening, something, indescribable…

Posted by: treacherous Mar 3 2009, 02:46 AM
What tha!? Where did this topic come from? You dredged this up for me to grade again. Darnit. Okay. Give me a second.

Posted by: granobulax Mar 3 2009, 02:47 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 3 2009, 02:46 AM)
What tha!? Where did this topic come from? You dredged this up for me to grade again. Darnit. Okay. Give me a second.

biggrin.gif

Posted by: treacherous Mar 3 2009, 03:05 AM
Okay, first that was the most well written (grammatically speaking) story I think you've done. I like your knowledge of your subject. Your schooling is paying off. I remember this character earlier and you didn't know what to do with him. You've got sort of an Ozymandias thing going with him. I like that. I suggest if you are going to use the Ultimate powers, you really go farther into detail with them. FPL rule: If you use Ultimate, you better have a good reason.

Also, I think the story needs a little more story. It all happened so quickly. It was such an abrupt transformation and transistion. Maybe if we saw a little more of the later personality in the earlier Teodor Lipinski. I've got a Polish character I'm about to unleash on the undercards soon. So, I'm liking it.

Oh and I edited your post, but I think you saw that.

Posted by: granobulax Mar 3 2009, 03:11 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 3 2009, 03:05 AM)
Okay, first that was the most well written (grammatically speaking) story I think you've done.  I like your knowledge of your subject.  Your schooling is paying off.  I remember this character earlier and you didn't know what to do with him.  You've got sort of an Ozymandias thing going with him.  I like that.  I suggest if you are going to use the Ultimate powers, you really go farther into detail with them.  FPL rule:  If you use Ultimate, you better have a good reason.

Also, I think the story needs a little more story.  It all happened so quickly.  It was such an abrupt transformation and transistion.  Maybe if we saw a little more of the later personality in the earlier Teodor Lipinski.  I've got a Polish character I'm about to unleash on the undercards soon.  So, I'm liking it.

Oh and I edited your post, but I think you saw that.

Thanks treach, I'll work on that before I post it.

Posted by: nicker Mar 3 2009, 04:09 AM
Hiya folks! Its me Kb again and here were are again with my second match. Now just sit back and enjoy Nemesis vs Robocop!

"July,21 1999 and the infection is getting worse and I think Brad is ahhh!!" That was the last noise Jill Valentine made before her former friend and college Brad Vickers ate her alive along with other zombies. All the while Nemesis was seeing the ensuring scene and realized that now Jill was dead he had no purpose.
Then as if on cue Nemesis felt something go into him. He turned around to see 20 Umbrella agents with the paralyzing guns that put the dead into a frozen state. Nemesis glared with his one good eye at the agents and fell to the floor with a loud thud.

Two years later…. Nemesis awoke and tried to arise from his fallen state but looked to see that he had metal restraints all over his body holding him down. Nemesis then saw two Umbrella agents walking in with Wesker Albert. Wesker then spoke “ Hmm. Seeing as how the S.T.A.R.S are now gone we have no use for Project Nemesis. But he could help rid us of that annoying Robocop which is stopping us from selling the T Virus.” Nemesis only managed to catch rid, Robocop, and stopping.

“Robocop…” Nemesis moaned to himself as he bided his time and went without a fight as the agents walked him to get armed. Another 2 hours later Nemesis was sent with two Crimson Heads (They are advanced zombies who can run.) to stop Robocop. Robocop:” Halt Umbrella shall not pass this section of town.” Nemesis and the Crimson Heads growled at Robocop and charged but were held back by 4 cops who each had a pistol.

Nemesis knew there was going to be blood but he knew it was going to be the human’s. Okay it is Nemesis with his sub machine gun and his tentacle and two Crimson Heads vs. Robocop with a pistol and 4 rookie cops with pistols. If Nemesis wins Umbrella gets to sell the T virus to the people in New York or whatever town Robocop takes place in. If Robocop and the cops win Umbrella is driven back.

So enjoy folks and keep on rating!

Posted by: Darkender Mar 3 2009, 04:42 AM
QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 2 2009, 11:09 PM)
Hiya folks! Its me Kb again and here were are again with my second match. Now just sit back and enjoy Nemesis vs Robocop!

"July,21 1999 and the infection is getting worse and I think Brad is ahhh!!" That was the last noise Jill Valentine made before her former friend and college Brad Vickers ate her alive along with other zombies. All the while Nemesis was seeing the ensuring scene and realized that now Jill was dead he had no purpose.
Then as if on cue Nemesis felt something go into him. He turned around to see 20 Umbrella agents with the paralyzing guns that put the dead into a frozen state. Nemesis glared with his one good eye at the agents and fell to the floor with a loud thud.

Two years later…. Nemesis awoke and tried to arise from his fallen state but looked to see that he had metal restraints all over his body holding him down. Nemesis then saw two Umbrella agents walking in with Wesker Albert. Wesker then spoke “ Hmm. Seeing as how the S.T.A.R.S are now gone we have no use for Project Nemesis. But he could help rid us of that annoying Robocop which is stopping us from selling the T Virus.” Nemesis only managed to catch rid, Robocop, and stopping.

“Robocop…” Nemesis moaned to himself as he bided his time and went without a fight as the agents walked him to get armed. Another 2 hours later Nemesis was sent with two Crimson Heads (They are advanced zombies who can run.) to stop Robocop. Robocop:” Halt Umbrella shall not pass this section of town.” Nemesis and the Crimson Heads growled at Robocop and charged but were held back by 4 cops who each had a pistol.

Nemesis knew there was going to be blood but he knew it was going to be the human’s. Okay it is Nemesis with his sub machine gun and his tentacle and two Crimson Heads vs. Robocop with a pistol and 4 rookie cops with pistols. If Nemesis wins Umbrella gets to sell the T virus to the people in New York or whatever town Robocop takes place in. If Robocop and the cops win Umbrella is driven back.

So enjoy folks and keep on rating!

Make your own account KB then we'll grade your stuff.

Posted by: granobulax Mar 18 2009, 10:09 PM
user posted image
Khazan All-Stars

Master Training Kit

Mind: Standard
Body: Superior
Strength: Superior
Agility: Supreme

[I]Background

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Multiversal Championship game between the Khazan All-Stars and the Nexus Troop. I’m the Great Gus Johnson, former member of the Khazan All-Stars and joining me is the Hall of Famer and former Nexus Troop player, Todd ‘the God’ Parker.”

“Thanks for the introduction Gus. We have one hell of a match-up here today. This is going to be a battle of epic proportions.”

“Yes it is Todd. For the home team, we have the Khazan All-Stars. This team comes in with the leagues best record at 72-10 while the visitors, the Nexus Troop come in boasting the leagues best defense and the second best record in the league at 66-16.”

“The key match ups will be the center play between the teams. Khazan’s Tank Thompson will have a hard time delivering against the leading blocker in the league, Chad Franklin.”

“So true, Todd. One thing that the Tank has going for him though is his resourcefulness. He is the leagues leading scorer after all.”

“Well, it looks like they’re about to introduce the Khazan All-Stars to this ravenous home crowd. I can hardly hear a thing, Gus. Someone obviously has a super voice amongst the crowd. Okay, lets hear from the home announcer and meet the home team.”


Personality
“And heeeeeeeere they are! Your Khazan All-Stars! Introducing number 32, your starting point guard, hailing from the planet of Vaagar! He led the league in assists and steals each of the last 33 seasons. Entering his 150th season, Raaklof Scheetz is just entering his prime! Let’s hear it for Raaklof!”

“Next, introducing number 23, your starting shooting guard! He was bred right here in Khazan. A five time league All-Star and capping off his 7th season, heeeeeeeeeeere’s Stan ‘the Man’ Ooooooooooo’Brian!”

“At small forward, number 33, he is a man amongst men! Traded to us this year from the Andromeda Capitals and bringing versatility our team needed and entering his 12th season, please welcome the Nameless One!”

“Next up at power forward, number 44, he also comes from the greatest of places, Khazan! This will be only his second season, but don’t let that fool you folks. He plays like a veteran in this league. And here he comes! Drake Voinovich!”

“And now, the one you’ve been waiting for! At center, he led the league in scoring and was this years MVP! From the small planet of MX143 and entering his 14th season, heeeeeeeeeeere’s Tank Thompson!!!

Tough Cookie Armor Skin: (Kit Power-Up) Superior
“The ref is getting set to throw up the ball. Centers Tank and Chad are squared off with each other. The ball is in the air… OH! Tank tipped the ball, but Chad slammed hard into Tank when he came back down! Yup, a technical foul has been given right off the bat and Tank gets right back up off the floor.”

“That’s right Todd, any normal man would have been leaving here on a stretcher because Chad has a charge move that has sent the majority of the league running. Not so in this case. Tank isn’t called ‘Tank’ for nothing ya know. He’s from the planet MX143, a place with a violent atmosphere and unstable tectonics. His species evolved a natural toughness that only few ever get to experience.”

“Tank hits the free throw and jogs down court as if nothing ever happened. Good grief, that man’s tough.”

Sky High! Leaping: Standard
“And we’re back. We’re six minutes into the first quarter and there has been some rough play so far. The Nexus players are renowned for their rough play, but are on record-breaking pace for technical fouls. The score is 18-15 Troop with Vander on the Troop team ready to shoot his second foul shot. It’s good. Tank to inbound the ball to Stan who sees a wide-open Drake! Only one defender to beat… Oooooh! He leapt strait over the top of Vander who tried valiantly to get back on D and dunked the ball with fury!”

“Wow Gus, you won’t see anyone else in this league with that sort of jumping ability. He must have easily jumped twice as high as the basket itself! Let’s see Drake Voinovich dunk that again in slow motion…”

He's Getting Angry... Berserker: Standard
“It’s almost half time with the score 55-54 Khazan. We’ve seen one hell of a game thus far, eh Todd?”

“We most certainly have. The Nameless One inbounds the basketball to Raaklof who pushes the ball down the floor. What have you thought of the play so far by Raaklof?”

Well Gus, I think he’s been rather timid so far. He’s definitely a player that you don’t want to get mad…”

“Raaklof gets the ball stolen from him for an easy bucket for Chad on the other end.”

“See? Things like that will get him angry and statistically, he’s far better when he’s playing mad. This season, after he’s been flagrantly fouled, his stats increased dramatically.”

“Speak of the devil, Raaklof just had an easy lay up when ‘Scar’ Scarring flagrantly fouled him from behind. Raaklof will shoot two and is not looking happy about it.”

Catch Up! Running: Standard
“With only two minutes to go in the third quarter, Nexus seems to be pulling away. They lead 88-74 and… Oh my, Chad just dunked the ball using his charge technique to scare away his defender. It’s 90-74 folks. What can the Khazan players hope to do to catch up to this large deficit?”

“It looks like the answer is walking out onto the floor right now Gus! The Nameless one has had a relatively quiet game so far, but if one man has the ability to dig them out of that hole, it’s him.”

“He’s off in a blur! I’ve seen him do this a hundred times and I still get goose bumps when I see him do this. He’s running circles around the entire Nexus team. Oh, a bucket… a steal… and another bucket… I can’t hardly keep up with him!”

“Yes Gus, this truly is the ace up Khazan’s sleeve. 90-80… 90-82… 90-84… I often wonder why the league allows this to happen.”

“Well, Todd, In an official league statement upon the Nameless one entering the league, he is allowed to use this speedy power because he can only sustain it for less than a minute. See? He’s already running out of steam. Just in time to tie the game up at 90. Wow, what a frantic finish to the quarter!”

Alley-Oop Elongation: Standard
“Here we are again, tied up for the 26th time this game at 112-112. Only three and a half minutes to go with Khazan inbounding the ball. The Nameless One dribbles the ball up court… Oh dear god! He’s been enveloped in a ball of flames! Scar just shot a wave of flames at the helpless Nameless One. He’s down on the floor, trying to escape from the horror!”

“A ref just found an extinguisher and put out the fire. Scar just got ejected from the game. Wow, what dirty play by the Nexus team.”

“When I was on this team years ago, things like this never happened Gus. I’m disappointed to be associated with the Nexus Troop after that debacle.”

“Raaklof will shoot the technical foul shots… and they’re both good. Raaklof sets to inbound the ball. Inbound pass goes to the Tank who passes it to Drake. Drake spots Stan ‘the Man’ cutting to the basket and throws up the alley-oop… Damn! Oops, pardon my choice of words there but oh my god! Let’s see that again on replay.”

“Okay, here’s where you can see Drake notice Stan cutting towards the basket. Drake threw the ball… here… so that no defender could reach the ball except for Stan. Stan elevates, but isn’t quite tall enough to reach where the ball was passed to. Right… here is where his special ability comes to life. His arm stretches out at least five feet and grabbed the ball for a dunk that will surely be on KSPN top plays tonight.”

Buzzer Beater Lucky: (Kit Power-Up) Superior
“In all my years, I have never seen a game with as much excitement as tonight’s game. Here we are coming out of a time out by Khazan with only five seconds left on the clock. Nexus leads the game 122-121. The crowd is on it’s feet.”

“Yes Gus, I must agree. This game has had everything and it all comes down to this last five seconds. Drake inbounds the ball from half court to Tank down on the low post but he’s triple teamed. Two seconds. He passes the rock quickly to Raaklof on the wing… It’s good!!! It’s good!!! Khazan wins! Khazan wins!”

“This has been the most amazing game this league has ever witnessed! Simply amazing!”

“Well, that does it for this season. Up next on Khazan Broadcast Network, two men and a lady duke it out over their new living space on an all new episode of KCIS: SVU. See you next season!”

Posted by: treacherous Mar 18 2009, 10:16 PM
Long time no see. I'll read it and respond tonight or tomorrow morning.

Posted by: granobulax Mar 18 2009, 11:38 PM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 18 2009, 10:16 PM)
Long time no see. I'll read it and respond tonight or tomorrow morning.

Sweet! Oh, and if you could... convert my pic to gif.? Please? user posted image

Posted by: Ethan Mar 18 2009, 11:44 PM
QUOTE (granobulax @ Mar 18 2009, 11:38 PM)
Sweet! Oh, and if you could... convert my pic to gif.? Please? user posted image

I will! If you want me to that is. smile.gif

EDIT:

user posted image

Posted by: granobulax Mar 19 2009, 12:29 AM
QUOTE (Ethan @ Mar 18 2009, 11:44 PM)
I will! If you want me to that is. smile.gif

EDIT:

user posted image

Thanks Ethan!

Posted by: Ethan Mar 19 2009, 12:33 AM
no prob, I'm just wondering, it looks a lttle different from the original in the outer areas. Is there a way to fix that? huh.gif

Posted by: granobulax Mar 19 2009, 01:24 AM
QUOTE (Ethan @ Mar 19 2009, 12:33 AM)
no prob, I'm just wondering, it looks a lttle different from the original in the outer areas. Is there a way to fix that? huh.gif

I don't see anything wrong with it.

Posted by: treacherous Mar 19 2009, 02:00 AM
It's original for FPL. I don't think there are any basketball teams in the FPL. It's a pretty average storyline. Nothing too special happening. I like the superheroes playing sports thing, seems very Khazanian. The grammar is near perfect. I don't think it will be HoF. Maybe elims, but any stiff competition (and we all know the names) will beat it up. It also may be considered gimmicky by some. I personally think it's well written, fun and original, but not going all the way (maybe if a supervillain burst into the game and the team defeated it). Hope that's not too hard hitting.

Posted by: nicker Mar 19 2009, 02:19 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 19 2009, 02:00 AM)
It's original for FPL. I don't think there are any basketball teams in the FPL. It's a pretty average storyline. Nothing too special happening. I like the superheroes playing sports thing, seems very Khazanian. The grammar is near perfect. I don't think it will be HoF. Maybe elims, but any stiff competition (and we all know the names) will beat it up. It also may be considered gimmicky by some. I personally think it's well written, fun and original, but not going all the way (maybe if a supervillain burst into the game and the team defeated it). Hope that's not too hard hitting.

Hey Trech want to grade my brother's stuff? He would really apprecite it.

Posted by: granobulax Mar 19 2009, 03:34 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 19 2009, 02:00 AM)
It's original for FPL. I don't think there are any basketball teams in the FPL. It's a pretty average storyline. Nothing too special happening. I like the superheroes playing sports thing, seems very Khazanian. The grammar is near perfect. I don't think it will be HoF. Maybe elims, but any stiff competition (and we all know the names) will beat it up. It also may be considered gimmicky by some. I personally think it's well written, fun and original, but not going all the way (maybe if a supervillain burst into the game and the team defeated it). Hope that's not too hard hitting.

No, it wasn't too hard hitting at all. I was looking for an original story and I've got one. Thanks treach.


Posted by: treacherous Mar 19 2009, 03:18 PM
QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 19 2009, 02:19 AM)
Hey Trech want to grade my brother's stuff? He would really apprecite it.

Was that the story you posted earlier or is it something new? And why can't your brother log on and be a member? dry.gif

Posted by: nicker Mar 20 2009, 01:00 AM
QUOTE (treacherous @ Mar 19 2009, 03:18 PM)
Was that the story you posted earlier or is it something new? And why can't your brother log on and be a member? dry.gif

Hes lazy and besides you guys would frame me of multi accounting.

Posted by: treacherous Mar 22 2009, 02:49 PM
QUOTE (nicker @ Mar 20 2009, 01:00 AM)
Hes lazy and besides you guys would frame me of multi accounting.

biggrin.gif

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