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Title: Solomons Grades


Solomon - April 10, 2009 03:38 PM (GMT)
Back by popular demand. It's Solomons grades. That's right folks were back. Remember you can submit any kind of ficitonal writing (perhaps a cbub match, an FPL character, or even a story you wrote) for grading. However I am making one change, you must seek permission from via PM. I withold the right to deny a grade to anyone, on any story.

Solomon - April 11, 2009 04:38 PM (GMT)
To DYGW

Entertainment- 6
-So far it's pretty good. Nothing really spectacular, it was just ok. However, I must admit I want to know what happens next you kind of left me hanging.

Originality-6
-I can't say this is very original. It has certain pieces that haven't been seen yet, but their so similar to other X-men story lines it kind of gives it an unoriginal feeling.

Fluency-8
-For the most part it was pretty smooth. There were times when you seemed to have a filler in between your sentences. What I mean by this is it seemed like you had trouble flwing to the next part of your story, and you tried to compensate by inputting a filler that was a bit out of place.

Plot-6
-Like I said before it's nothing that spectacular. You had a few unexpected events but it's the sort of unexpected events that you would see on a saturday morning cartoon.

Charcters-3
-You didn't make any of the characters sound like they really were, nor did you make them act like they do in the comics. I didn't really feel any sort of connection to any of the characters, it was like they were for the most part robots reacting to the events of the story.

Distinction of Voice-5
-Kind of a boring way to tell a story. You didn't tell it any sort of way that was unique or interesting.

Enhancers-5
-You definitely had a few. Off the top of my head I saw irony, plot twists, and maybe even a similie or two. Anyways the way you used them were straight forward, boring, and didn't any sort of craft to your writing.

Grammar/Spelling- 10
-I didn't notice anything, but if I were you I'd go back and double check it just to be safe.


Description- 5
- The description of the danger room scene was medicore at best, but after that you seemed to have forgotten description all together.


Theme- N/A



Based on your Theme grade your score will be in the range of:

48-58

Well Below Average to Below average.


Granobulax - April 12, 2009 03:14 PM (GMT)
Do I need to post my character on here, send you a PM, or do you already have it?

treacherous - April 12, 2009 03:30 PM (GMT)
W00T!!

Granobulax - April 12, 2009 03:56 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 12 2009, 03:30 PM)
W00T!!

What does "WOOT" stand for anyway? :huh:

Solomon - April 12, 2009 04:43 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Granobulax @ Apr 12 2009, 03:14 PM)
Do I need to post my character on here, send you a PM, or do you already have it?

Is it still in the electric ferret database?

Granobulax - April 12, 2009 04:44 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Apr 12 2009, 04:43 PM)
Is it still in the electric ferret database?

Yes. It's in the Lower Division right now.

Solomon - April 12, 2009 04:44 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Granobulax @ Apr 12 2009, 04:44 PM)
Yes. It's in the Lower Division right now.

Cool. I'll grade it tommorow.

Granobulax - April 12, 2009 04:45 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Apr 12 2009, 04:44 PM)
Cool. I'll grade it tommorow.

Sweet ^_^

treacherous - April 12, 2009 05:07 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 12 2009, 03:30 PM)
W00T!!

I don't know.

Solomon - April 12, 2009 05:09 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 12 2009, 05:07 PM)
I don't know.

:lol:

Solomon - April 13, 2009 03:58 PM (GMT)
For Granobulax :

Entertainment-6
-A multiversal basketball game with powers....meh. It was alright it wasn't outstanding it didn't real grasp my attention though. It just seemed a bit cliched, like something you'd see on a scooby doo special.

Originality-7
-It wasn't that original, but it wasn't overdone either. It was along the lines of unoriginal, and slightly creative.

Fluency-9
-This seems to be a strong point in your character. The announcer style write-up went well with the character, and using that method it allowed this to flow quite nicely. Just one complaint you change tempos quite a bit which made it slightly confusing in certain places, but other than that I have no complaints.

Plot-5
-It was a basketball game...The ending was expected, and the events of the game weren't really all that special. You definitely could have added more to the story, because where it stands it's pretty basic, like a burger without any toppings.


Characters-2
-I hardly felt any sort of connection to any of the characters, except maybe the announcers. :lol:

Yeah this was definitely a low point in your character.


Distinction of Voice-7
-The way you told the story wasn't very unique, but it was believeable. I guess that's what I liked about it. The commentary made it feel like I was listening to the game on the radio. I liked that because it kind of imposed the story on my personal experiences so you get points for that.

Enhancers- 1
- Maybe one or two minor ones. Plot twists? Maybe. They didn't do anything for the story, and the way you used them was an eye sore, unoriginal, and boring.

Grammar/Spelling- 10
-I didn't notice anything, but if I were you I'd go back and double check it just to be safe.

Description-3
-Very little use of below average description.

Theme-5
-Never give up? Like the rest of the character it's friendly, and believeable but at the same time cliched, and didn't have any sort of X-factor to it.


Overall-53

Below Average.

Granobulax - April 13, 2009 04:12 PM (GMT)
Wow, that's the lowest score I've gotten from you yet. I see your points, but this character wasn't supposed to be a masterpiece. I just did this one for fun so I suppose the 53 is warrented.

Funny though, it's about to go for it's fifth straight win on the FPL :lol:

Honestly, I didn't really expect it to even reach the elims.






Oh yes, do you still have that war character of yours? You never submitted it, did you? If not, you should get it on the FPL. Treacherous has his war character on there right now and it would be interesting to see you two go up against one another.

Solomon - April 13, 2009 04:13 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Granobulax @ Apr 13 2009, 04:12 PM)
Wow, that's the lowest score I've gotten from you yet. I see your points, but this character wasn't supposed to be a masterpiece. I just did this one for fun so I suppose the 53 is warrented.

Funny though, it's about to go for it's fifth straight win on the FPL :lol:

Honestly, I didn't really expect it to even reach the elims.






Oh yes, do you still have that war character of yours? You never submitted it, did you? If not, you should get it on the FPL. Treacherous has his war character on there right now and it would be interesting to see you two go up against one another.

Maybe, someday.

Granobulax - April 13, 2009 04:14 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Apr 13 2009, 04:13 PM)
QUOTE (Granobulax @ Apr 13 2009, 04:12 PM)
Wow, that's the lowest score I've gotten from you yet. I see your points, but this character wasn't supposed to be a masterpiece. I just did this one for fun so I suppose the 53 is warrented.

Funny though, it's about to go for it's fifth straight win on the FPL :lol:

Honestly, I didn't really expect it to even reach the elims.






Oh yes, do you still have that war character of yours? You never submitted it, did you? If not, you should get it on the FPL. Treacherous has his war character on there right now and it would be interesting to see you two go up against one another.

Maybe, someday.

But if you've got it, why not post it? :huh:

Solomon - April 13, 2009 04:14 PM (GMT)
Because I never finished it.

Granobulax - April 13, 2009 04:44 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Apr 13 2009, 04:14 PM)
Because I never finished it.

FINISH IT!!!

Solomon - April 13, 2009 06:52 PM (GMT)
I'm not going to be doing any writing for awhile. I'm working on a big project.

treacherous - April 17, 2009 02:22 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Granobulax @ Apr 13 2009, 04:44 PM)
FINISH IT!!!

That only works when I or Jesse Custer do it. It's called the voice.

Props to anybody who gets the reference.

nicker - April 17, 2009 02:28 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 17 2009, 02:22 AM)
That only works when I or Jesse Custer do it. It's called the voice.

Props to anybody who gets the reference.

I do! I do! ;)

Bassetman - April 17, 2009 02:39 AM (GMT)
I use grey.

It's just so me.


Also blue was considered.

treacherous - April 17, 2009 06:40 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 17 2009, 02:28 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 17 2009, 02:22 AM)
That only works when I or Jesse Custer do it.  It's called the voice.

Props to anybody who gets the reference.

I do! I do! ;)

What is it?

Darkender - April 17, 2009 08:55 PM (GMT)
You can grade Doctor Hazel if you want...

Solomon - April 17, 2009 09:29 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Darkender @ Apr 17 2009, 08:55 PM)
You can grade Doctor Hazel if you want...

Please refer to the topic opener.

Solomon - April 19, 2009 07:18 PM (GMT)
To Nicker:

Entertainment- 3
-It was boring, repitive, forgetable, and uneventful.

Originality-5
-Yet another zombie story, Nd4. I mean really? You want to try to write something that hasn't been read hundreds of times before.

Fluency-5
-This was choppy. Not as bad as you used to be, but it still didn't flow.

Plot-2
- It was straight forward, and dull. There were no suprises, intricate plot twists, or any hint of an interesting plot at all. It was too simplistic.

Charcters-5
-I'll admit I did feel a minor connection with a few of the characters, but other than that you portrayed absolutely none of the thoughts, feelings, actions, or emotions of the characters.

Distinction of Voice-2
- A lot of your sentences interuppted the flow of the story, and appears that they were thrown in there because you couldn't think of anything else to put there. Stay away from fillers. One thing I would suggest doing is write how YOU talk, not how you WANT to talk, but what you ACTUALLY sound like. Once you get good with that then you can adapt a voice, because the I'm a bad-ass tone that you've been using isn't working at all.

Enhancers-0
-I didn't see any...At all.

Grammar/Spelling- 10
-I didn't notice anything, but if I were you I'd go back and double check it just to be safe.

Ain't that suprising.


Description- 1
- You used minimal description. When you did use it was pretty mediocore.

Theme- 0
-There was no message in this story

Overall: 33

Poor.

nicker - April 21, 2009 08:46 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Apr 19 2009, 07:18 PM)
To Nicker:

Entertainment- 3
-It was boring, repitive, forgetable, and uneventful.

Originality-5
-Yet another zombie story, Nd4. I mean really? You want to try to write something that hasn't been read hundreds of times before.

Fluency-5
-This was choppy. Not as bad as you used to be, but it still didn't flow.

Plot-2
- It was straight forward, and dull. There were no suprises, intricate plot twists, or any hint of an interesting plot at all. It was too simplistic.

Charcters-5
-I'll admit I did feel a minor connection with a few of the characters, but other than that you portrayed absolutely none of the thoughts, feelings, actions, or emotions of the characters.

Distinction of Voice-2
- A lot of your sentences interuppted the flow of the story, and appears that they were thrown in there because you couldn't think of anything else to put there. Stay away from fillers. One thing I would suggest doing is write how YOU talk, not how you WANT to talk, but what you ACTUALLY sound like. Once you get good with that then you can adapt a voice, because the I'm a bad-ass tone that you've been using isn't working at all.

Enhancers-0
-I didn't see any...At all.

Grammar/Spelling- 10
-I didn't notice anything, but if I were you I'd go back and double check it just to be safe.

Ain't that suprising.


Description- 1
- You used minimal description. When you did use it was pretty mediocore.

Theme- 0
-There was no message in this story

Overall: 33

Poor.

... You forgot one... Also the zombie story isnt my work. Its my friends.

nicker - April 21, 2009 08:47 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 17 2009, 06:40 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 17 2009, 02:28 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 17 2009, 02:22 AM)
That only works when I or Jesse Custer do it.  It's called the voice.

Props to anybody who gets the reference.

I do! I do! ;)

What is it?

The voice of God. ;)

Solomon - May 6, 2009 06:09 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 21 2009, 08:46 PM)

... You forgot one... Also the zombie story isnt my work. Its my friends.

Forgot one what?

I don't really care who wrote it, the grade still stands.

nicker - May 6, 2009 07:54 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ May 6 2009, 06:09 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 21 2009, 08:46 PM)

...  You forgot one...  Also  the zombie story isnt my work. Its my friends.

Forgot one what?

I don't really care who wrote it, the grade still stands.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs Blanka one I sent you... -_-

Solomon - May 6, 2009 08:12 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (nicker @ May 6 2009, 07:54 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ May 6 2009, 06:09 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 21 2009, 08:46 PM)

...   You forgot one...  Also  the zombie story isnt my work. Its my friends.

Forgot one what?

I don't really care who wrote it, the grade still stands.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs Blanka one I sent you... -_-

Oh. It's on my list.

nicker - May 6, 2009 08:16 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ May 6 2009, 08:12 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ May 6 2009, 07:54 PM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ May 6 2009, 06:09 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 21 2009, 08:46 PM)

...   You forgot one...  Also  the zombie story isnt my work. Its my friends.

Forgot one what?

I don't really care who wrote it, the grade still stands.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs Blanka one I sent you... -_-

Oh. It's on my list.

Few. For a second or two I thought you forgot about it. ^_^

Solomon - May 6, 2009 08:25 PM (GMT)
No I still have it.

treacherous - May 8, 2009 12:41 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 21 2009, 08:47 PM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 17 2009, 06:40 PM)
QUOTE (nicker @ Apr 17 2009, 02:28 AM)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Apr 17 2009, 02:22 AM)
That only works when I or Jesse Custer do it.  It's called the voice.

Props to anybody who gets the reference.

I do! I do! ;)

What is it?

The voice of God. ;)

Silly ND4, it was the Jesse Custer from the Preacher comics. Though it was the Voice of God that he used, so yeah, you're right.

treacherous - May 21, 2009 10:08 PM (GMT)
If any of you remember back when I had treacherous' advice, my nephew came on and answered a few questions. Well, he used to do FPL for a little while before he went to college (before me actually). He had two characters that did decent. Anyway, he's out for summer and he wants to get back in the FPL. He may be on here and he may not. I'll look out for him, but here's his latest try at the FPL. I've told him my opinion, but I wanted some of you to give a crack at it. So, here goes... (oh yeah, you can be mean, he can take it. He's a big boy)

The Sons of the Sun King, Pt. 1

Background

He looks out of a window and the sunlight drips in and warms his face. He enjoys it, it makes him smile, it is a moment in silence where it seems nature is on his side. The warmth is there to comfort him as he lays on the ground in a daze. A butterfly flies through the broken pieces of wood and rusted nails and lands in front of him. “It is time”, says the Monarch as its wings end the fluttering and rest on the man’s hand. The man soon gets a worried look on his face as he starts remembering when he thought nature was his friend. When he was a child, the plants and animals comforted him as he would lay behind bushes and sleep in trees. The grown- up’s never understood him, they tried to treat him and fix him. Stuffing their medicine down his throat and trying to analyze him. The thing he hated the most was when they would sit him in a room with no windows, no sunlight, the white walls would burn his mind because he could not get away from their blank stare, he needed color, he needed life. He now remembers the day he left, he burst out the doors in a frenzy, and the rain from the sky washed away the burning feel left on his skin, he ripped away the clothes and ran out in a fury. Then, then he could hear his friends, the bugs, the trees, the birds welcoming him home forever as he ran farther, and farther away into a nearby forest. When he felt safe, he stopped in a forest floor, a robin landed in front of him and said…. “You are needed”.

Personality

The boy was a friend of nature, they had him turn away intruders who would cut down their trees or hunt their animals, he was nature’s weapon against human forces. In turn, the boy ate the fruit that nature produced and found solace and friendship in the life of the wild. But soon, more animals and more plants called to the boy. As he grew older, the man had to do more and more tasks for nature, he was forced to kill more men and destroy more of man’s buildings. He felt overwhelmed because he could never get nature out of his head, it always spoke to him, asking more of him, moving him to do things he doesn’t want to do. Nature had finally found someone who would listen to it, and it would never stop speaking.

Mind-weak
Agility – superior
Strength – standard
Body – normal

Communicate with Plants – 25 The target pt. 1

As the man listened to the butterfly, he rose up in an immediate sweat, the sun no longer comforted him, he became overwhelmed once again. He backed up against a wall and realized he was in some sort of shack. The vines poking through the wall pressed and pricked along his back as they whispered, “ This is it” and “You are the one” in some sort of green chorus. The man answered back, “No”. Then, the bush that was half in the window and the grass that came up through the floors told the man he could not refuse them, and that they were his friend. Then, as the man dropped to his knees and kept refusing, the orders from the plant life turned into pleas. The man replied “One last time.”

Communicate with Animals – 25 – The target pt. 2

The butterfly jumped from the floor and fluttered in place in front of the man as a row of ants crawled up the man’s leg. Then, the man noticed a lizard that crawled up the wall and next to the man’s ear. They said in unison, “Go to Khazan and destroy the city.” The man replied back, I want to kill whoever is responsible for my power, they claimed, “The man who drives his power from our sun lives there. He is your father, it is his fault.”

Berserker – supreme – The Untamed Beast

Then the man ran, he ran as he did before trying to find solace for the last time. As he ran, he felt his muscles grow, his body moving faster, and his clothes ripping. He felt anger, hatred, and rage as he trudged over an open road knocking cars out of his way and breaking up the road with each heavy step. He sees a large city ahead of him and only two voices stay in his head to motivate him, “This is the last time, destroy Khazan” and “Kill the man who gets his power from the sun.” His rage would never end until he has completed both of his tasks.

Danger Sense – superior – Nature has his back

Nature wants to rise up against the inhabitants of Khazan. They have polluted its air and water, cut down trees for its land developments, killed its animals for pleasure, and uses its land for their battles. It no longer has any patience and will help its weapon destroy its’ major adversary. So, when the beast attacks the Khazan the animals will alert him when man attacks back and the plants will inform him of man’s every move against him. Anyone who stands in the beasts way, has to deal with back up.

Closed Mind – supreme – Finding Solace

“This is the last time, destroy Khazan”. “Kill the man who gets his power from the sun”.

Granobulax - May 22, 2009 01:07 AM (GMT)
Not bad I'd have to say. It definately needs work however. I think it's too short. I want more backstory. Why is he in the forest? How'd he get there? The personality is lacking too. I want more of his personal thoughts. More of what's going through his mind. Is he tortured? Or is he plagued with these thoughts?

The powers are a nice line up, but it needs a lot more description. Build it up for me. Put me on the edge and make me want more. I could tell where this story was going right away.

As for the idea of attacking Khazan, it's a good idea, but it would never work. With the amount of heroes and villains that far exceed his own powers, he'd be doomed to fail. I would like to see him attack a modern city, not Khazan. These stories don't necessarily have to take place in the Khazan universe.

Other than these issues, I believe this story has promise. I would suggest that he reviews it and makes more out of it. I'd also suggest a plot twist that nobody would expect to be there.

Really though, it's not that bad. I would say it has a good chance of winning a couple of matches against the lower tier on the FPL.

Solomon - May 22, 2009 02:40 AM (GMT)
Do you look to take over my grading Grano?

Actually I may need someone to take my place for grading. Dual-admin duties are going to be tough.

treacherous - May 22, 2009 02:45 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ May 22 2009, 02:40 AM)
Do you look to take over my grading Grano?

Actually I may need someone to take my place for grading. Dual-admin duties are going to be tough.

I told you.

Anyway, as you might expect Grano, I said almost the same thing to him. I gave him the web address for Haven, so if you see an anonymous guest floating around, it might be him.

Granobulax - May 22, 2009 03:09 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ May 22 2009, 02:40 AM)
Do you look to take over my grading Grano?

Actually I may need someone to take my place for grading. Dual-admin duties are going to be tough.

I didn't take over, just helpin a friend out is all ;)

Solomon - May 22, 2009 02:55 PM (GMT)
Tell your nephew to register. I'd like to meet him.

@Grano: It's cool. I think you, or Treach are the only ones that I'd feel comfortable taking over with grading.

treacherous - May 22, 2009 04:13 PM (GMT)
I'll see what I can do.




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