View Full Version: Grano's grades!

Haven Of Wiidom > Members' Zones > Grano's grades!

Pages: [1] 2 3

Title: Grano's grades!
Description: Let's add another to the mix


granobulax - January 20, 2009 03:38 AM (GMT)
Throw me some writing my way for a good ol' fassion constructive criticism and an overall grade.

I review based on:

Flow:35%
Grammar and spelling: 20%
Entertainment value: 45%

It's a simple grading system so bring on the writing!

Solomon - January 20, 2009 03:44 AM (GMT)
Copier.

granobulax - January 20, 2009 03:45 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 03:44 AM)
Copier.

You coppied treach first :P

We can be the three musketeers of the review threads :lol:

The Ripper - January 20, 2009 03:57 AM (GMT)

granobulax - January 20, 2009 04:03 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (The Ripper @ Jan 20 2009, 03:57 AM)
My WHOLE Blood Series!

Wow, that's too much to review at one time. How's about you post a section here and there and I'll review them one at a time ;)

The Ripper - January 20, 2009 04:04 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 09:03 PM)
QUOTE (The Ripper @ Jan 20 2009, 03:57 AM)
My WHOLE Blood Series!

Wow, that's too much to review at one time. How's about you post a section here and there and I'll review them one at a time ;)

granobulax - January 20, 2009 04:18 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (The Ripper @ Jan 20 2009, 04:04 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 19 2009, 09:03 PM)
QUOTE (The Ripper @ Jan 20 2009, 03:57 AM)
My WHOLE Blood Series!

Wow, that's too much to review at one time. How's about you post a section here and there and I'll review them one at a time ;)

Flow: 18% The most of the story was of Sigmund fighting one opponent after another. The flow was lacking in that it was very repetitive. Throw some newer challanges for Sigmund and it'll be far better.

Grammar and spelling: 15% When there is dialogue, a new paragraph is to be started upon the next person's speach. There were whole paragraphs with dialogue mixed in. Seperate the paragraphs and the grammar will be perfect. I didn't notice any spelling errors.

Entertainment value: 30% As I said in the flow, the repeditive nature of this piece made it lack in entertainment. Break that up and it will be far improved.

Total score: 63%

Over all; not bad. Needs some work but it has a good shot at being something great.

Solomon - January 20, 2009 04:40 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 03:45 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 03:44 AM)
Copier.

You coppied treach first :P

We can be the three musketeers of the review threads :lol:

I like the sound of that. Even though treach's was for constructive criticism mine is just for a flat out grade. Like a report card.

granobulax - January 20, 2009 04:44 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 04:40 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 03:45 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 03:44 AM)
Copier.

You coppied treach first :P

We can be the three musketeers of the review threads :lol:

I like the sound of that. Even though treach's was for constructive criticism mine is just for a flat out grade. Like a report card.

And mine's got a little of both :D

After all, we're here to help others. Now we can give everyone all the help they could possibly want.

Solomon - January 20, 2009 04:51 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 04:44 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 04:40 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 03:45 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 03:44 AM)
Copier.

You coppied treach first :P

We can be the three musketeers of the review threads :lol:

I like the sound of that. Even though treach's was for constructive criticism mine is just for a flat out grade. Like a report card.

And mine's got a little of both :D

After all, we're here to help others. Now we can give everyone all the help they could possibly want.

True dat.

The Ripper - January 20, 2009 05:26 AM (GMT)
Better? I included some elements. Aigmund had to dodge traps and the two had to hike a steep mountain. The story itself it like a video game. GO VIDEO GAMES!!!

treacherous - January 20, 2009 03:18 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 04:51 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 04:44 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 04:40 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 03:45 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 20 2009, 03:44 AM)
Copier.

You coppied treach first :P

We can be the three musketeers of the review threads :lol:

I like the sound of that. Even though treach's was for constructive criticism mine is just for a flat out grade. Like a report card.

And mine's got a little of both :D

After all, we're here to help others. Now we can give everyone all the help they could possibly want.

True dat.

Word.

Street Fighter vs DBZ - January 20, 2009 05:45 PM (GMT)
Deathstroke and Deadpool vs. Lobo:

The Marvel Universe...
Deadpool was battling T-Ray, as T-Ray had teleported into his house and killed Blind Al.

Deadpool: "I don't really give a damn about Blind Al, BUT NO ONE GOES INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

T-Ray through a punch at him but Deadpool teleported on top of him and stabbed him in the face with his Katana.

T-Ray: "AAARGH!!!"

T-Ray punched Deadpool in the belt. It broke Deadpool's teleporter.

Deadpool: "Now T-Ray, how many times have I told you not to touch Daddy's belts?!"

Deadpool pulled out a gun and shot T-Ray in the eye. He then cut off T-Ray's head with the katana.

Deadpool: "I win! I win! Ner ner ne ner ner!"

Deadpool picked up T-Ray's head and through it in the garbage. Then he took T-Ray and Blind Al's bodies and dumped them in the Hellhouse. Then he pushed the button on his teleporter to see if it still worked. He teleported, but reappeared in a city he had never seen before.

Deadpool: "Oh goody, it still works! Hurray! Hurra- Wait, where in the name of cheesy puffs am I?! Oh well, I'll just teleport back."

He pressed the button on his belt. Nothing happened.

Deadpool: "Aw, shi-"

But then someone kicked him in the back of the head. Deadpool fell to the ground and rolled over to see who had kicked him. A man dressed up like a bat was standing there.

Batman: "I'd heard rumors that you were operating in Gotham, Deathstroke. Now I can finally bring you to justice! I see you changed your costume. But you can still see that it's you from a mile away."

Deadpool: "Deathstroke?! Who the hell is Deathstroke? Does he like cheesy puffs?"

Batman: "Nice try Deathstroke. But I'm not falling for it."

Batman prepared to kick Deadpool in the face and knock him out, but suddenly there was a gunshot and Batman fell over, dead.

Deadpool: "Wow, I must be really good! I killed that guy without even tryin'!"

But then Deadpool saw another man emerge from the shadows. The man was almost identical to him.

Deadpool: "Who the hell are you?! I've never seen you in a comic before... anyway, thanks for saving my ass. I owe you one."

Man: "I'm Deathstroke. Why are you dressed like me?"

Deadpool: "Uh... I dunno. You like cheesy puffs?"

Deathstroke: "Who are you?!"

Deadpool: "I'm Deadpool. I don't think I'm... y'know... from this universe. I teleported here by mistake. Oh my god, Your my long lost brother aren't you!"

Deathstroke: "No you idiot! You must be some kind of parallel universe version of me..."

Deadpool: "Oh... I'll have to keep searching for my long lost brother then."

Deathstroke: "What's your real name?"

Deadpool: "Wilson. Wade Wilson.

Deathstroke: "Yeah, you’re definitely an alternate universe version of me. My name is Slade Wilson."

Before either of them could say another word, a figure jumped down from a building. The figure was dressed in biker gear and had Dreadlocks.

Deadpool: "D-Dirty Wolff?! (Note: Dirty Wolff was a parody of Lobo in Deadpool #41 )

Deathstroke: "His name is Lobo, Deadpool."

Lobo: "Damn straight. That's L as in "lacerate," O as in "obliterate," B as in "disembowel," and O as in, uh... well, I guess I can use "obliterate" twice. You got a hell of a lotta enemies, Deathstroke, and one of 'em's gonna pay big bucks if I bring you back alive. He said He wanted ta' finish you off himself. And looky here, I got me two Deathstrokes! I wonder if I'll get paid double."

Lobo took out a gun and jumped at Deathstroke and Deadpool. They both dodged and fired their guns at Lobo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deadpool is armed with 4 mini-machineguns, 2 Katanas, 2 handguns and 20 grenades.

Deathstroke is armed with everything that Deadpool has, plus a teleporter. Both Deadpool and Deathstroke are at their absolute peak.

Lobo has one handgun. Just to make it fair, this is the weak version of Lobo (The one that can barely pick up a car).

FIGHT!

granobulax - January 20, 2009 07:28 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 05:45 PM)
Deathstroke and Deadpool vs. Lobo:

Flow:30% It's a little choppy in there in that it moves a little too fast in the beginning. A little more detail would do the beginning nicely. Other than that, the story flows very well.

Grammar and spelling: 5% There are some big mistakes. For instance, "through" should be spelled "Threw" in the context in which it was used. Also, beginning consecutive sentenses the same way repetedly makes for too much repitition. Try to revise that if you can. Be original and use different words. Use a thesaurus if you have one or go to Thesaurus.com. That should help.

Entertainment value: 40% I though it was very entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. I would liked to have read a little more detail into the death of Batman and perhaps a little more into the fight scenes but the character personalities were flawless.

Overall: 75% Nice job!

Street Fighter vs DBZ - January 20, 2009 07:29 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 07:28 PM)
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 05:45 PM)
Deathstroke and Deadpool vs. Lobo:

Flow:30% It's a little choppy in there in that it moves a little too fast in the beginning. A little more detail would do the beginning nicely. Other than that, the story flows very well.

Grammar and spelling: 5% There are some big mistakes. For instance, "through" should be spelled "Threw" in the context in which it was used. Also, beginning consecutive sentenses the same way repetedly makes for too much repitition. Try to revise that if you can. Be original and use different words. Use a thesaurus if you have one or go to Thesaurus.com. That should help.

Entertainment value: 40% I though it was very entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. I would liked to have read a little more detail into the death of Batman and perhaps a little more into the fight scenes but the character personalities were flawless.

Overall: 75% Nice job!

cool B)

granobulax - January 20, 2009 07:30 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 07:29 PM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 20 2009, 07:28 PM)
QUOTE (Street Fighter vs DBZ @ Jan 20 2009, 05:45 PM)
Deathstroke and Deadpool vs. Lobo:

Flow:30% It's a little choppy in there in that it moves a little too fast in the beginning. A little more detail would do the beginning nicely. Other than that, the story flows very well.

Grammar and spelling: 5% There are some big mistakes. For instance, "through" should be spelled "Threw" in the context in which it was used. Also, beginning consecutive sentenses the same way repetedly makes for too much repitition. Try to revise that if you can. Be original and use different words. Use a thesaurus if you have one or go to Thesaurus.com. That should help.

Entertainment value: 40% I though it was very entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. I would liked to have read a little more detail into the death of Batman and perhaps a little more into the fight scenes but the character personalities were flawless.

Overall: 75% Nice job!

cool B)

I hope that helps ;)

darkender - January 21, 2009 06:27 PM (GMT)
"Isn't Mr. Chaplin such a fag!" said Jeremy after leaving Mr. Chaplin's science class.

"All I did was miss a shot into the garbage can, and he started talking about how I'll never be a basketball player, and how I shouldn't have even made the team." He said.

"I know what you mean man." John said as he turned towards his locker opening it and taking his lunch bag out.

"I'm telling you man. If he was to get fired or just disappear one day. I don't think anybody would miss him." He said as they walked into the school cafeteria.

Jeremy got on line to get his lunch, and John accompanied him even though he already had his lunch. As they waited on the unusually long line Mr. Chaplin walked into the cafeteria. Both of the boys watched him enter as he made his way across the room towards the line. Without a hello Chaplin walked past them and up to the front of the line to get his food.

"That isn't even fair!" Jeremy exclaimed.

"Calm down Jeremy." John chuckled "It's not even that serious."

Later both of the boys got their food and sat down with their friends. They ate their food and when they were finished they headed out to their next class. They rest of the day went as usual, until the final bell rang. All of the kids flooded out of their classrooms and into the halls. Jeremy and John were anxious to get out to the front of the school after a rumor they had heard about a fight.

"Did you hear about the fight?" John asked they walked down the hall way.

"Yeah, I can't wait to see it. Josh is gonna jump Devin." He said excitedly.

"Yea, this is gonna be a good." He said as he pushed the door open leading outside.

By the time the boys got out there the fight had already begun. The other kids had formed a circle around the two fighters as they chanted and yelled for the fight. The two fighters began throwing punches and the fight was beginning to get brutal. Teachers began to run out but the female teachers were unable to even make it through the circle that had been made around the fight. The teachers beginning to panic tried to go get another teacher to get through to the boys. The closet male teacher near was Chaplin and he quickly got through. Moving kids out of the way, he got a hold of one of the boys and began to split them up to cease the fight.

"Both of you, To the Principal's office!" he demanded to both of the fighters.

"Who else is going to mess up good fight other than Chaplin." Jeremy said as they both turned around and began heading to their buses.

Personality

The next day they both arrived at school and went through their regular morning ritual of hanging with their crew and then heading to their first period class. The day went by rather fast for some unknown reason and before they knew it they both in Mr. Chaplin's class again. Mr. Chaplin had continued where they left off before and restarted his lecture on stars. Half way through his lecture gun shots could be heard down the hall way. All of the kids in the class beginning to Mr. Chaplin went to his desk and pulled out his cell phone and keys. He went to the door and looked down the hall. He saw three figures in the hall way standing in long coats with rifles in each of their hands. Chaplin locked the door and began to call 911. Unfortunately, there was no service in his classroom. He looked at his students and quickly asked if anybody had service. After all of them shaking their head no he continued went towards the class phone. It was disconnected as he thought before. He ran up to the door and looked out the window. The figures were making their way up the hall causing carnage in each class room on the way down.

He continued to watch the figures as he went into deep thought. He wasn't sure what to do. He looked out again and saw that they were getting closer and closer to the room by the second. He quickly turned the lights off and put his back towards the door. He instructed his students to hide under their desks, and as they did he flung open the door.

Powers
Armor Skin supreme
The first shooter turned around to see the teacher running towards him and began firing. Emptying his clip into the teacher he was surprised to see no damage dealt to him except holes in his shirt. Chaplin then walked up to the shooter grabbing him by him arms, and throwing him through the lockers and landing him into another classroom. After seeing this, the other shooters began to run down the hall in an attempt to escape the super powered teacher.

Telekinesis Supreme
Chaplin seeing this reached out his arm towards one of the shooters. Stopping in his tracks the shooter began to lift in the air dropping his guns. The shooter realizing he was in mid air began to panic and look towards his fellow shooter. The third shooter in another attempt to stop the teacher shot again. Losing concentration Chaplin dropped the shooter and as soon as his feet hit the floor he began running again. Chaplin realizing they were on the verge of getting away and could possibly hurt others could not let this happen. He began running after them and before long his feet lifted off the floor and he began flying. Turning around the shooters could not believe their eyes. Chaplin grabbing both of them by their shirts lifted them into the air and threw them into the ceiling. Both of the shooters hit the ceiling with a loud thump and then fall to the ground.

Fire Supreme
Struggling to get up one of the shooters began to reach for his gun.

"If you take out that gun, I'll fry you alive" He said as his eyes began to turn red.

The shooter dropped his gun and began to realize that all of them were going in for the death sentence for what they've done.

Later the police had finally arrived and began to put the shooters into hand cuffs. The news reporters crowded around Mr. Chaplin asking, how he stopped them and what happened. He couldn't hold his secret anymore and was found out once more. There came more and more crowds of reporters as more people arrived on the interesting and mysterious case. Chaplin couldn't take the attention and flew off into the air to never be seen again, until now


Tell me what you think.

granobulax - January 21, 2009 06:38 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:27 PM)
Mr. Chaplin

Flow: 30% I thought the flow was rather good. The beginning had some useless stuff, such as the fight, that had no bearing on the story itself and that's why I docked a few points. Other than that, nice flow.
Grammar and spelling: 19% A few minor grammar errors but nothing worth docking more than one percent. Very good.
Entertainment value: 30% I thought the story itself was just okay. My main beef was that it was highly predictable. I would have liked to have seen some twist that was unexpected. I would have also liked to have read a little more focus on Mr Chaplin himself. The most of the story focused on the two kids with out hardly any character build up for Mr. Chaplin.

Overall: 79% All in all it was pretty good but not great. I'd have to say that you're stories are improving as a whole though and it's only a matter of time before you're pumping out masterpieces. Keep the characters coming because I do enjoy reading them on the FPL.

darkender - January 21, 2009 06:50 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 21 2009, 06:38 PM)
QUOTE (darkender @ Jan 21 2009, 06:27 PM)
Mr. Chaplin

Flow: 30% I thought the flow was rather good. The beginning had some useless stuff, such as the fight, that had no bearing on the story itself and that's why I docked a few points. Other than that, nice flow.
Grammar and spelling: 19% A few minor grammar errors but nothing worth docking more than one percent. Very good.
Entertainment value: 30% I thought the story itself was just okay. My main beef was that it was highly predictable. I would have liked to have seen some twist that was unexpected. I would have also liked to have read a little more focus on Mr Chaplin himself. The most of the story focused on the two kids with out hardly any character build up for Mr. Chaplin.

Overall: 79% All in all it was pretty good but not great. I'd have to say that you're stories are improving as a whole though and it's only a matter of time before you're pumping out masterpieces. Keep the characters coming because I do enjoy reading them on the FPL.

Thanks. I was planning on making a whole story on it including the rest of Mr. Chaplan's story in it, and a new character, but I doubt it would happen. I'm not that devoted to put in that much time into this.

Solomon - January 22, 2009 01:33 AM (GMT)
Do you accept poems?

Solomon - January 22, 2009 01:41 AM (GMT)

The End of Sin

The twisted tongue of a serpent, set forth the anguish of sin
Engulfed by the fire of hatetred, and repented for deaths twin
Distrust sweeping cross the land, changing destinies persecution
Darkness retreating into the abyss, a lights resurection
Slithering forth for impeeding doom, treachery is here once more

Life's burning flame extinguished, gone in the hearts of thee
Replaced with a lie, from the kingdom of ember
shaped by the words of deceit, truth comes moaning within me
Led to the end of dreams, and to hopes dismember

Sent forth within the isles of evermore
Shaken by the hand of divinity No more

Grapes of Wrath go rotten
For he hath been forgotten

Turned away from the creator
The eye becomes blind not seeing later

A spark of hope flickers amongst the dark
A voice...a song of peace leaving a mark;
upon it's vessel of hate, and forgotten dreams

The light of the one reaches out
dispelling the uncertainty of doubt

Peace hath cometh from above
The lies of a serpent replaced by love.

granobulax - January 22, 2009 01:57 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

Solomon - January 22, 2009 01:59 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

granobulax - January 22, 2009 02:03 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed ;)

Solomon - January 22, 2009 02:03 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed ;)

Goody. ^_^

granobulax - January 22, 2009 02:04 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed ;)

Goody. ^_^

Ya got anything in mind?

Solomon - January 22, 2009 02:05 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:04 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed ;)

Goody. ^_^

Ya got anything in mind?

Look up.

granobulax - January 22, 2009 02:06 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:05 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:04 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:03 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:59 AM)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 01:57 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:33 AM)
Do you accept poems?

Absolutely!

What did you think? I have to admit I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing.

I accept any writing that want's to be reviewed ;)

Goody. ^_^

Ya got anything in mind?

Look up.

Somehow I missed that post :lol:

I'll check it out right now ;)

granobulax - January 22, 2009 02:13 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM)
The End of Sin

Flow:30% I generally liked the flow of the poem. It felt like a portion of it was forced, but it's hard work doing poetry and nearly impossible to be creative within its limitations without forcing a little.

Grammar and spelling: 15% I saw no spelling errors to speak of but what I didn't like was that in some areas you used punctuation while it was completely abscent for the rest. I think if you were going one way or the other for style you should have kept it uniform throughout the poem.

Entertainment value: 40% I liked the word usage and the way it actually made sense. Some poetry doesn't make any sense unless you read far too much into it and then it doesn't become entertaining any more. Yours is of an age old conflict and I liked it a lot.

Overall: 85% Very nice poetry and a very high grade for such a difficult task.

Solomon - January 22, 2009 02:32 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 02:13 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM)
The End of Sin

Flow:30% I generally liked the flow of the poem. It felt like a portion of it was forced, but it's hard work doing poetry and nearly impossible to be creative within its limitations without forcing a little.

Grammar and spelling: 15% I saw no spelling errors to speak of but what I didn't like was that in some areas you used punctuation while it was completely abscent for the rest. I think if you were going one way or the other for style you should have kept it uniform throughout the poem.

Entertainment value: 40% I liked the word usage and the way it actually made sense. Some poetry doesn't make any sense unless you read far too much into it and then it doesn't become entertaining any more. Yours is of an age old conflict and I liked it a lot.

Overall: 85% Very nice poetry and a very high grade for such a difficult task.

Wow, thanks man.

ND4 - January 22, 2009 03:10 AM (GMT)
Deadpool meets The Undead.

One dark and spooky day Wade Wlison or as he likes to be called Deadpool was just back from kiling Hannha Montana when he saw someone or something eating
Weasle. Dp:"Omg!! Its Nicole Richie!!" The something was then relveled as a zombie .Dp:"Ahha!! A zombie!! Thats even worse!!" The zombie then lunged at Deadpool who just pulled out a pistol and instead of quickly killing the zombie with a headshot Wade beat the zombie with the gun.

Wade was done reducing the first zombie's face to red paste when suddenly he heard moaning in the background. Dp:"Oh man did Nerdy leave my porn video on before Nicol- I mean this zombie killed him?" The moaning then showed it self coming from the now undead Weasel. Dp:"Hey Nerdy were you having a orgs ahhh!" Weasel yelled as he tried biting Wade. Wade:"Man I wonder what nerd's brains look like?" Bamm!! Weasel's brains were splattered all over Wade's kitchen.


Wade:"Glad thats done.Now back to ahhh!!Its its! Undead Britney Spears clones!!"
In reality the "Clones" were really more zombies. Wade:"Well I better get rid of them .But I got to make some popcorn first!"Wade then rushed to the kitchen .
Wade:"Cant have a good zombie fight without popcorn!" Wade then winks and the screen fades to black.

Well how did you like it dad?

ND4 - January 22, 2009 03:31 AM (GMT)
.. Dad? :( :( :(

granobulax - January 22, 2009 03:34 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 22 2009, 03:10 AM)
Deadpool meets The Undead.

One dark and spooky day Wade Wlison or as he likes to be called Deadpool was just back from kiling Hannha Montana when he saw someone or something eating
Weasle. Dp:"Omg!! Its Nicole Richie!!" The something was then relveled as a zombie .Dp:"Ahha!! A zombie!! Thats even worse!!" The zombie then lunged at Deadpool who just pulled out a pistol and instead of quickly killing the zombie with a headshot Wade beat the zombie with the gun.

Wade was done reducing the first zombie's face to red paste when suddenly he heard moaning in the background. Dp:"Oh man did Nerdy leave my porn video on before Nicol- I mean this zombie killed him?" The moaning then showed it self coming from the now undead Weasel. Dp:"Hey Nerdy were you having a orgs ahhh!" Weasel yelled as he tried biting Wade. Wade:"Man I wonder what nerd's brains look like?" Bamm!! Weasel's brains were splattered all over Wade's kitchen.


Wade:"Glad thats done.Now back to ahhh!!Its its! Undead Britney Spears clones!!"
In reality the "Clones" were really more zombies. Wade:"Well I better get rid of them .But I got to make some popcorn first!"Wade then rushed to the kitchen .
Wade:"Cant have a good zombie fight without popcorn!" Wade then winks and the screen fades to black.

Well how did you like it dad?

Well, it looks as if you wrote it in about five minutes. Do you really want me to review this? I really don't want to hurt your feelings if I don't need to... :(

ND4 - January 22, 2009 03:36 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 03:34 AM)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 22 2009, 03:10 AM)
Deadpool meets The Undead.

One dark and spooky day Wade Wlison or as he likes to be called Deadpool was just back from kiling Hannha Montana when he saw someone or something eating
Weasle. Dp:"Omg!! Its Nicole Richie!!"  The something was then relveled as a zombie .Dp:"Ahha!! A zombie!! Thats even worse!!" The zombie then lunged at Deadpool who just pulled out a pistol and instead of quickly killing the zombie with a headshot Wade beat the zombie with the gun.

Wade was done reducing the first zombie's face to red paste when suddenly he heard moaning in the background. Dp:"Oh man did Nerdy leave my porn video on before Nicol- I mean this zombie killed him?" The moaning then showed it self coming from the now undead Weasel. Dp:"Hey Nerdy were you having a orgs ahhh!" Weasel yelled as he tried biting Wade. Wade:"Man I wonder what nerd's brains look like?" Bamm!! Weasel's brains were splattered all over Wade's kitchen.


Wade:"Glad thats done.Now back to ahhh!!Its its! Undead Britney Spears clones!!"
In reality the "Clones" were really more zombies. Wade:"Well I better get rid of them .But I got to make some popcorn first!"Wade then rushed to the kitchen .
Wade:"Cant have a good zombie fight without popcorn!" Wade then winks and the screen fades to black.

Well how did you like it dad?

Well, it looks as if you wrote it in about five minutes. Do you really want me to review this? I really don't want to hurt your feelings if I don't need to... :(

Nah it took me 20 .I had to keep deleting and deleting before I got it right and sorry if its short.I dont have much time on my hands.Oh and yeah Its okay if you hurt my feelings.So go ahead and review. -_- -_-

granobulax - January 22, 2009 03:43 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 22 2009, 03:36 AM)
Nah it took me 20 .I had to keep deleting and deleting before I got it right and sorry if its short.I dont have much time on my hands.Oh and yeah Its okay if you hurt my feelings.So go ahead and review. -_- -_-

Okay, here it goes.

Flow: 10% I thought it was all over the place. I couldn't really tell what exactly was happening with out reading a sentence twice. You need to have understandable transitions from sentence to sentence, not random actions.

Spelling and Grammar: 5% There were abbreviations, spelling errors and grammar errors galore. I can't even begin to start naming any one thing because the whole thing was mistake after mistake.

Entertainment: 20% There was a funny spot here and there but it wasn't anything to cause me to actually laugh. The random celebrities made me go "huh?" Like I said, I liked some of it, but most was confusing and therefor not entertaining.

Overall: 35% I've seen far better than this from you. I would like to see you give me something that you've put more effort into. I know you have it in you to be better than what you've posted here because I've seen it. I hope this review helps you to see where you're lacking and where you can improve so we all can see the best of ND4.

ND4 - January 22, 2009 03:45 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (granobulax @ Jan 22 2009, 03:43 AM)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 22 2009, 03:36 AM)
Nah it took me 20 .I had to keep deleting and deleting before I got it right and sorry if its short.I dont have much time on my hands.Oh and yeah Its okay if you hurt my feelings.So go ahead and review. -_-  -_-

Okay, here it goes.

Flow: 10% I thought it was all over the place. I couldn't really tell what exactly was happening with out reading a sentence twice. You need to have understandable transitions from sentence to sentence, not random actions.

Spelling and Grammar: 5% There were abbreviations, spelling errors and grammar errors galore. I can't even begin to start naming any one thing because the whole thing was mistake after mistake.

Entertainment: 20% There was a funny spot here and there but it wasn't anything to cause me to actually laugh. The random celebrities made me go "huh?" Like I said, I liked some of it, but most was confusing and therefor not entertaining.

Overall: 35% I've seen far better than this from you. I would like to see you give me something that you've put more effort into. I know you have it in you to be better than what you've posted here because I've seen it. I hope this review helps you to see where you're lacking and where you can improve so we all can see the best of ND4.

Cool.Thanks.Well Dad if you really want to see the great genuis of Nd4 check my Solid Snake fight on CBUB .

ND4 - January 22, 2009 03:50 AM (GMT)
I take it Dad didnt like my new match . :( B)

treacherous - January 22, 2009 04:39 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM)
The End of Sin

The twisted tongue of a serpent, set forth the anguish of sin
Engulfed by the fire of hatetred, and repented for deaths twin
Distrust sweeping cross the land, changing destinies persecution
Darkness retreating into the abyss, a lights resurection
Slithering forth for impeeding doom, treachery is here once more

Life's burning flame extinguished, gone in the hearts of thee
Replaced with a lie, from the kingdom of ember
shaped by the words of deceit, truth comes moaning within me
Led to the end of dreams, and to hopes dismember

Sent forth within the isles of evermore
Shaken by the hand of divinity No more

Grapes of Wrath go rotten
For he hath been forgotten

Turned away from the creator
The eye becomes blind not seeing later

A spark of hope flickers amongst the dark
A voice...a song of peace leaving a mark;
upon it's vessel of hate, and forgotten dreams

The light of the one reaches out
dispelling the uncertainty of doubt

Peace hath cometh from above
The lies of a serpent replaced by love.

Poetry! Blegh. I don't accept poetry. Blegh. :lol:

Solomon - January 22, 2009 11:11 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (treacherous @ Jan 22 2009, 04:39 AM)
QUOTE (Solomon @ Jan 22 2009, 01:41 AM)
The End of Sin

The twisted tongue of a serpent, set forth the anguish of sin
Engulfed by the fire of hatetred, and repented for deaths twin
Distrust sweeping cross the land, changing destinies persecution
Darkness retreating into the abyss, a lights resurection
Slithering forth for impeeding doom, treachery is here once more

Life's burning flame extinguished, gone in the hearts of thee
Replaced with a lie, from the kingdom of ember
shaped by the words of deceit, truth comes moaning within me
Led to the end of dreams, and to hopes dismember

Sent forth within the isles of evermore
Shaken by the hand of divinity No more

Grapes of Wrath go rotten
For he hath been forgotten

Turned away from the creator
The eye becomes blind not seeing later

A spark of hope flickers amongst the dark
A voice...a song of peace leaving a mark;
upon it's vessel of hate, and forgotten dreams

The light of the one reaches out
dispelling the uncertainty of doubt

Peace hath cometh from above
The lies of a serpent replaced by love.

Poetry! Blegh. I don't accept poetry. Blegh. :lol:

Exactly why this isn't in your section wise guy.

granobulax - January 22, 2009 01:07 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (ND4 @ Jan 22 2009, 03:50 AM)
I take it Dad didnt like my new match . :( B)

I didn't get a chance to check it out yet is all.




Hosted for free by zIFBoards