Ladies don’t cry.. Don’t cry..

I felt hysteria wash over me. My heart couldn’t stop beating thunderously. The ship is about to sink! The Titanic! The unsinkable ship is about to sink!

“Breathe, honey.” I heard John soothe behind me. I turned around, and there he was, rubbing my back reassuringly. “Let’s get on a life boat. Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”

I gulped back the lump in my throat. “You are a lady, Madeleine!” I hear my mother say in my head. Why? Why can’t I just be normal? Nevertheless, I stopped myself from bursting out into tears.

“Let’s go.” My husband urged, tugging gently at my arm.

“How can you take the situation so lightly?” I cried. Despite my words, I wished that I was young again, so that I can stick my tongue out. John turned around, his hand around mine, and walked towards the life boats.

I wished I didn’t put my watch away. I wanted to know what time it was. Silly thing, really, but knowing the time calms me.

“It’s 1:12,” John commented casually, as if he had read my mind. Oh, he knows me so well. He really loves me.. I feel horrible, sick to my stomach as we waited for a vacant seat. Although I would never admit it, I knew that I’ve married John mostly for his money. Now, just as the ship I am on is about to sink, I feel guilty. He loves me. He loves me! He cares for me, understands me, he loves me when I, the monster that does not deserve one hundredths of all that, can’t do anything like that for him. A new batch of tears formed on the rims of my eyes. I blinked them back furiously.

“Mrs. Astor and maid!” Lightoller called over the panicking heads of passengers. “Over here.”
I turned frantically towards John. He’s not leaving me? John, seeing my discomfort, said, “Mrs. Astor here, sir, is in very delicate shape. She needs me right now.” John said firmly from my side. I shook violently at the thought of leaving me comforter.

“Sorry, sir. Ladies and children only.” He said, dipping his head at me.

“This is my wife!” John roared over everyone else,

“Which boat is this, sir?”

“Number 4!” He answered promptly. “Along with these young ladies, s’well.” He jerked his head back at the other women.

“Don’t worry, dear.” John said, smiling at me. “I’ll take care of it.”

I nodded as he started to walk away. My hand, though, clung on to his, unable to detach itself. John used his other hand to untangle my fingers. “I’ll see you later! In a couple of minutes.” He winked. He was so brave.. I wished I could be like him. It seems so silly that I looked up to him- my husband! –for that. He made me feel so much better, seeing his confidence.

When he was out of sight, the ship workers started to lower the life boats. I craned my neck to see if I could still see where John was. What was he doing?

Without any luck, I gave up on searching for John. Instead, I tried to take my mind off him by looking around. I recognized Mrs. Widener, Mrs. Thayer, Mrs. Ryerson and her daughters and Mrs. Carter and her daughter out of the many women on the boat. I turned to Bisty, my maid, and asked if she was alright. She nodded her head gingerly, her arms wrapped around her middle. Good thing I’m still wearing John’s jacket. Poor girl, Bisty. She was only sixteen. John had insisted to get a younger maid, so that I can have a friend when he’s away. My heart ached at the thought to John. Will I ever see him again?

The boat jolted as it hit the freezing cold water. Some of it splashed on to me. Godness, it felt like ice! My teeth chattered. I wonder what John was doing..

My insides hurt again. I knew it wasn’t because of the cold, nor because my muscles were cramping. But I didn’t know what it was. My insides just hurt..

I felt worse than any kind other kind of pain. It was almost like my heart is suffocating. Like Bitsy, my arms found its way around my waist. My teeth chattered more.

I noticed that we were moving now. away from the Titanic. I wanted to ask why, but more water hit me. But at that point, I did not care if my hair got wet. I did not care what happens to my clothes. I just want to see John.

I looked back at the Titanic. I saw the front of it sinking slowly. I watched in horror as the people on the Titanic were slipping on the wet floor. My eyes darted back and fourth, trying to find John. We weren’t that far away.. I know I can find him.

And there he was, trying to get on the last life boat. Unfortunately, it was lowered before he got on. ‘No!’ I silently cried. The boat carried my farther away from my husband, yet I could still see him, trying to escape the chaos. Suddenly, the floorboards of the middle of Titanic cracked open. The unsinkable ship was braking in half!

I prayed that John could somehow get on a life boat. What was he doing? Oh, no.. oh no!

I could practically hear the slash as John fell from the boat to the water. My heart pounded. He’s got to come up for air! He can’t give up! And as my heart became more and more suffocated, I knew from that moment, that I loved him. Not his money. Him. John Astor. Life was so unfair to the point where I only realized that I loved him after we could never see each other again. I wished I could have at least kissed him one last time..

I couldn’t tear my eyes off the spot on the dark water where I last saw his little figure. The life boat drifted farther and farther away from me. It was when I couldn’t even seethe Titanic when I realized that John wasn’t coming up. He gave up.

And with that, I burst into tears.